Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior
by Master of the Boot
Summary: Inspired by Spike TV's awsome show, watch as the deadliest warriors in all fiction go head to head with each other. Suggestions will be accepted.
1. Judoon vs Jem'Hadar

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Disclaimer: I do not own deadliest warrior, Star Trek or Dr. Who. Those belong to their respective creators and not by me. Also, I had to make up most of the weapons for the Judoon since they're only ever shown with their blasters. And I took a few tiny liberties with the Jem'Hadar Weapons but not much. Enjoy.

Announcer: _The Jem'Hadar_

Shows a Jem'Hadar soldier in all his glory. The creature is tall, proud and brutal looking. His hide looks like it could stop a knife. The powerful alien soldier grasps a laser rifle. It looks reptilian with extremely tough grey skin and three ceratopsian protrusions on its face.

Announcer: _Deadly foot soldiers of the Dominion. These cloned berserkers devastated the Alpha Quadrant both in space and on the ground. _

The screen then becomes full of images of Jem'Hadar engaged in combat. A Jem'Hadar ducks under a Klingon's Bat'leth and drives his combat knife into the warrior alien's heart. Jem'Hadar ships bombard Deep Space Nine. Federation and Romulan ships are destroyed.

Announcer: _With the drug Ketracel White as their only sustenance, these merciless fanatics were unmatched by any Alpha Quadrant Warriors. _

The screen changes and shows a band of Sycorax terrorists standing around a holographic display in an abandoned building, plotting their takeover of the next planet. Suddenly, an alarm sounds off in their base and the Sycorax go for their weapons. All of the sudden, a massive humanoid in power armour smashes through a brick wall into the nearest Sycorax.

Announcer: _The Judoon, the primary enforcers of the Shadow Proclamation. _

More Judoon burst into the room, rapidly overwhelming the bone armoured Sycorax.

Announcer: _Policemen for hire, the Judoon are sworn to uphold the letter of the law—_

One of the Judoon grabs a Sycorax and snaps the smaller alien's spine over an armoured knee.

-_but not the spirit of the law. _

There is one Sycorax left alive. The Judoon raise their weapons to it as their leader takes off his helmet to expose his impressive rhino like head. "You have been found guilty of violating regulation 24738-AX of the Shadow Proclamation. The sentence: Death!" The Sycorax screams as Judoon energy weapons vaporize it.

Announcer: _These two warriors have never faced each other in battle—_

Simulation footage is played that shows a fully armoured Judoon wrestling with a Jem'Hadar

—_until today. _

_Ruthless mercenaries_

A Judoon uses a _Roh-Teh_ stick weapon to smash open a Sontarran's skull. Sontarran brain and blood splatters the camera.

_Or Fanatical butchers_

A Jem'Hadar lobs a subspace grenade into a group of Reman commandos, vaporizing the lot of them.

_Religious Zeal_

A troop of Jem'Hadar bow before a shape shifting Founder of the Dominion, worshipping it as a living God.

_Or Obsessive Professionalism_

A Judoon punches grabs a human female by the hair hard enough to almost rip it out. While the human screams for help, the Judoon produces a slip of paper. "You have been found guilty of jay-walking. You will be fined." The Judoon lets the woman go and leaves her to cry.

_The Question will finally be settled_

_Who _

_Is _

_DEADLIEST!_

Announcer: _Here at the fight club the air is full of excitement as we get ready for another hearty round of testing. _

The Deadliest Warrior team starts to get all their gear ready including ballistic dummies, motion trackers, pressure pads and animal carcass analogues.

Announcer:_ Our team of experts includes fight doctors, computer experts and Martial arts experts. _

Roll images of Dr. Dorian Armand, UFC fight doctor. Max Geiger, resident computer whizz. Finally there is Geoff Desmoulin, biomedical scientist. These three men make up the core of the _Deadliest Warrior Team_.

Announcer: _Also featuring in today's episode are our guest experts. One the Jem'Hadar side we have General Martok of the Klingon Empire and Captain Worf of the USS Defiant. _

Cut to two Klingon warriors. General Martok wears the standard armour of a Klingon of his rank while Worf is dressed in a Starfleet uniform. While Martok is the more wild looking of the two, there is something in Worf`s eyes that indicate he is a man to be feared.

Announcer: _Both are veterans of the Dominion war and have fought the Jem`Hadar in battle and lived to tell the tale. _

Announcer: _Vouching for the Judoon are Captain Tybo of the One Thousand and Fifth Judoon Guard and Captain Jack Harkness of the Torchwood Institute. _

Captain Tybo is a Judoon and typical of his race. He looks like a giant humanoid rhinoceros with beady red eyes. He`s naturally six and a half feet tall but his high boots make him seem even taller. By contrast Jack Harkness is a dashing human in a swishy trench coat. The Captain Harkness is famous for his insatiable sexual appetite and extraordinary competence in dealing with unfriendly or pissed off E.T.s.

Cut to a close up with Max Geiger. He starts off by telling us his who he thinks is deadliest. "Personally I think that the Judoon are going to win the day. They're ruthless, brutal and when it comes to the application of the law, they just don't care about anything else. For Pete's sake, they moved an entire hospital to the moon in order to find a single suspect."

Geoff Desmoulin had a different opinion from Max. "I gotta say that hands down the Jem'Hadar are going to take this fight. They're not paid to do what they do. They do it because they think they're serving their gods. Just look at what religious fanatics did to the Soviets in Afghanistan."

Dorian Armand takes a more neutral path. "This is going to be very interesting for us today because this is really the first time we've done a fight with non humans. It's the perfect opportunity to put all those hours watching _Deep Space Nine_ and _The Sarah Jane Smith Adventures to_ good use." He pauses and tells us uncertainly. "And for the record I just want to say that Sarah Jane Smith is still hot."

Announcer: _With all that said and done, it's time for the testing to begin. Our experts waste no time as they prepare to find out who is deadliest._

Judoon Stats: Height: 6'5''

Weight: 450 Lbs

Allegiance: Shadow Proclamation

Armour: Baltar Industries Power Armour

Weapons: Judoon Blaster, Roh-Teh Stick, Horn, Anti-Dalek Cannon

Jem'Hadar Stats: Height: 6'

Weight: 400 Lbs

Allegiance: The Founders

Armour: Dominion anti-energy armour

Weapons: Coagulation Ray, Disrupter Rifle, Combat Knife, Subspace Mine

Announcer: _First up is testing for the long range weapons. Since these weapons are too dangerous to test indoors, we've been brought to a special outdoor firing range. _

The cast is standing in a wide open field. In front the group are three dummies mounted each on a robotic platform. Geoff starts to lay the ground rules. "Okay guys, this is the test of the medium range weapons. You're going to have three moving targets to simulate the enemy. As soon as you fire your first shot we start the clock. Any questions." There are none from the men.

Announcer: _First up to bat is Captain Tybo with the Judoon Blaster. _

Geoff, Dorian and Max all huddle behind a safety force field in case things go nasty. Jack Harkness stands right next to the Judoon Captain. Max talks to Dorian, "Shouldn't he be behind the force field?"

Dorian shrugs. "Nah, he's immortal."

Geoff starts up the countdown. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . GO!"

Immediately the motorized mannequins start to spin around in random patterns. Captain Tybo rapidly raises up his weapon and takes care of the first target. A red beam of light strikes the dummy and red hot cracks appear along the side of it. In half a second, the dummy is totally vaporized, leaving behind a motorized stand that continues to amble about. Two more successive blasts finish of the other two dummies, destroying the robotic bases as well. Geoff hits his stopwatch.

The _Deadliest Warrior_ experts walk up to the sight of the carnage lefty by Captain Tybo. Geoff laughs at the carnage. Worf and General Martok are not impressed. Martok chooses to mock his adversary. "That was a fine display of shooting that could have been matched by a raw Klingon recruit with no weapons training."

Captain Tybo matches Martok's taunt. "**Foh! Scoh! Roh! Toh! Noh! Hoh!**"

General Martok sneers at the Judoon, showing off a mouth full of broken and yellow teeth.

Geoff turns to Jack Harkness. "What did he say?"

Jack shakes his handsome head. "Trust me, it's not fit for general audiences." Geoff nods.

Announcer: _the Damage is assessed by our fight doctor. _

Dorian's analysis is pretty straight forward. "You've vaporized the targets and saved their families the cost of cremation."

Max adds an observation. "On the one remaining robotic stand your weapon nearly melted the wheels, so that's collateral damage to the people standing next to him."

Dr. Armand agrees. "Definitely. That kind of heat would most likely give a human third or even fourth degree burns depending on how close they were standing to the target.

Worf also has an observation. "This weapon though dramatic requires at least a full second for complete vaporization. Jem'Hadar weapons suffer from no such limitation."

Announcer: _Team Jem'Hadar steps up to the pitch. _

Now it is General Martok's turn. In his more than large hand he carries a Jem'Hadar Disruptor Rifle. As last time, Geoff screams to begin.

Martok blasts the first target, obliterating it in a white light. The other two moving targets suffer the same fate.

Announcer: _the team analyzes the high speed footage. _

Geoff says, "Worf was definitely right, the Disrupter has a faster vaporization time."

Max also points out, "Not to mention that the Disrupter is more ergonomically designed for aiming. Martok took less time between targets trying to aim."

The Edge: Goes to the Disrupter Rifle.

Announcer: _Back at the fight club testing begins for the short range weapons_

The Combat Knife vs. the Roh-Teh Stick

Cut to a scene of a Judoon swinging around something that looks like a flattened baseball bat with a hook on the flat side.

Announcer:_ A traditional Judoon weapon. The Roh-Teh was designed both as a weapon of pacification and of war_

Jack Harkness carries a Roh-Teh stick. The weapon appears to be made out of solid steel and Jack can barely lift it. Captain Tybo then takes it, who has no problem swinging it around as if it were made of wood. Before anything else happens, Captain Tybo pulls out a cylindrical device from his belt and holds it up to Max Geiger's mouth.

Max panics. "Please don't kill me."

Captain Tybo takes the cylindrical device and plugs it into a socket in his chest plate. His words are suddenly translated. "**Language assimilated. Designation: Earth English.**"

Cut to Captain Tybo one on one with the Camera. "**The Judoon would never be beaten by the Jem'Hadar. The Jem'Hadar are guilty of war crimes and are criminals. Criminals **_**never**_** prevail.**"

In a practice ring, Captain Tybo swings around the Roh-Teh stick like a pro baseball player.

Voiceover of Captain Tybo: **The Roh-Teh! Stick is designed to break armour and bladed weapons. The twin hooks are designed to catch incoming melee weapons.**"

Announcer: _Captain Tybo and his weapon are being fitted with speedometers to measure the speed of his weapon as well as the force with which he strikes. _

It's Geoff's job to attach the sensors to the hulking Judoon. Jack Harkness stands abnormally close to Geoff. Our biomedical expert stiffens a bit and then says, "Jack, I really don't want to ask this but is that an erection pressing against my back?"

Jack Harkness steps back embarrassed. Usually he's much smoother than this. "Sorry Geoff, you're very attractive but normally I've got better control than this. Sorry."

Face pale, Geoff manoeuvres to put the big Judoon between him and the bisexual spaceman.

Captain Tybo takes his weapon and steps up to a ballistics gel dummy. Unlike other dummies, this dummy is designed to replicate the texture and toughness of Jem'Hadar anatomy. Captain Tybo readies for a strike.

Geoff gets the stop watch ready, first checking to see that Captain Jack is not invading his personal space. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Captain Tybo brings the first strike against the side of the dummy's head, shattering the skull and taking off the head. Snorting like a wild wounded animal, his nostrils flare and he swings again. The weapon lands against the ribs; the crunch is sickening. The rhinoceros like alien strikes at the ballistics dummy like an alcoholic thrashing a cheeky liquor store clerk who announced it was closing time.

When Geoff announces that it's time to stop, the dummy is in ruins. It's not a pretty sight. Our fight doctor gives us the scoop. "Well, aside from the fact that you took the head off, the skull is in no less then forty pieces. That's fatal even for a Jem'Hadar and I saw those guys shrug off some pretty severe wounds in my time." He points to what's left of the ribs. "The ribs are totally destroyed; there are pieces of them in the organs. Now, he might walk away from the pierced organs since in the Jem'Hadar they're tougher than the skin of a football but he won't walk away from this."

Cut to the rear of the dummy. Armand explains. "When Tybo ran around and hit the spine of this Jem'Hadar, he shattered no less than five vertebrae. And that's saying something since a Jem'Hadar's spine could practically get hit by a truck and he'd still walk away."

Announcer: _Next we test the Combat knife . . . with the aid of a surprise guest._

As the team of Worf and Martok get the combat knife ready. An actual Jem'Hadar materialized in front of them, shocking everyone in the room except for the three main hosts.

Cut to the new Jem'Hadar posing in front of the camera.

Announcer: _Goran'Agar was a rogue Jem'Hadar who defected prior to the start of hostilities of the Dominion war. Normally Jem'Hadar are not permitted to enter the alpha quadrant but his status as a once defector has convinced the Federation council to allow him in the alpha quadrant. _

Goran'Agar just stares impassively at the stunned Worf and Martok. Worf is clearly disturbed by the sight of an actual Jem'Hadar but Martok is livid and starts swearing in Klingon and English. Half of what Martok is saying is bleeped out. Our guest Jem'Hadar hardly seems to mind Martok's display of Klingon fury. He addresses Martok. "I see that you are shocked by my presence, Klingon." Goran's voice is extremely deep but his tone is soft.

He walks up to the weapons table and grabs the combat knife. "No doubt you would have wielded this weapon with skill but in order to use it properly, you need a Jem'Hadar to get the job done."

Cut to close-up of Goran's hand with the knife. He spins it around the palm and back of his hand with the same dexterity of a stage magician with his cards. Pan out to the weapons table. Goran gets another knife and spins it similarly. "I will take this blade. The previous one was a half gram too heavy at the hilt."

Max Geiger looks at Goran'Agar with awe. Dorian Armand looks cautious. Geoff Desmoulin is definitely looking forward to a demonstration. Jack Harkness grins at Goran; he would definitely tap that. Captain Tybo is unreadable.

Goran approaches a new ballistics dummy, this one designed to replicate the physiology of a Judoon. Goran makes a request of Geoff. "To make things more interesting, I am going to shroud. Would you start the clock when I un-shroud, as opposed to when I first strike?"

Geoff shrugs. "That's fine by me."

The Jem'Hadar shimmers and then turns nearly invisible. This is a natural ability of the Jem'Hadar and the knife is specially designed to turn invisible when the owner does. Geoff screams to GO! And things get going.

Goran un-shrouds and wastes no time. He immediately stabs the dummy in both eyes. Striking like a cobra, Goran drives the blade up where a Judoon's sensitive nostrils would be. The knife is yanked out and then its owner goes to work on the body.

Goran begins to slash up and down the dummy, starting with the neck and moving onto the chest and arm areas. The speed with which he slashes is incredible. His arm is a blur but his face is completely placid. Multiple gashes are opened up on the tough skin of the dummy. Fake blood spills down from the dummy and onto the concrete floor.

A mere thirty seconds in and the skin on the dummy looks like the skin is like a gory jigsaw puzzle. "DONE!" Geoff cries.

Everybody is laughing at the devastation wrought by the grey skinned humanoid. Blood gushes now from the multitude of wounds. General Martok sneers at the Jem'Hadar's skill. "Hah! I could have easily done that in my sleep."

Worf snorts. "No, _I_ could have done that in my sleep."

Dorian Armand is stunned by the devastation. "Well, first of all, you did cut through the Judoon's tough skin. That alone takes a great deal of strength." That he cut the skin is an understatement. "There are just too many cuts here to count. This is a surgeon's nightmare. Forget stitches, this Judoon would need a skin replacement."

Captain Tybo has little patience. "**Inform us of the level of damage and do not delay.**"

Dorian takes the Judoon's request seriously. "Well, the slashes are devastating by their sheer number." He sticks a finger into some of the stab wounds. "The stabbing attacks went in past the ribs but they failed to pierce the Judoon's massive lungs." Another stab wound is examined. "Here you hit the rib and the knife damaged the bone but didn't go through it all the way."

Then the devastated eye sockets are examined. "You blinded the guy but the knife didn't enter the brain. While he's not dead he's out of the fight."

Dorian gives his conclusion. "The combat knife did some amazing damage here. Each single cut could be easily shrugged off by the Judoon but collectively this many wounds would kill even the toughest of these alien mercenaries."

Max and Geoff discuss the data and compare the two weapons. Max gives his take. "Well, the Judoon club was devastating but I was totally blown away by how much destruction that Goran inflicted with a single ten inch knife. Not to mention that he can use it when he's invisible and kill a Judoon when he's not even looking."

Geoff has to agree with Max. "I get where you're coming from. That was the fastest knife work we've ever seen on this show. He got three hits per second. The second fastest weapon was the Zulu spear at one strike per second."

Max also points out something. "He also cut open the Judoon's throat and sliced through some of the major arteries."

This is where Geoff starts to advocate the Judoon side. "Yeah that's true but here on the footage we can see that it took Goran at least five slashes to cut the Judoon's throat. I mean, the throat and sides of the neck has got some of the thickest skin on the Judoon's body. Also the stab wound hardly even hurt the Judoon's neck."

Geoff brings up the advantage of the Roh-Teh stick. "The knife was deadly and painful but it failed to gain an instant kill even with eye and nose shots. The Roh-Teh was instant death on the first hit."

"But the Roh-Teh is much less wieldy than the combat knife."

"True," Geoff concedes, "but Captain Tybo acted like that club was light as a feather and it has greater range than the combat knife. Swinging it around a Judoon can hold off a Jem'Hadar with a knife and keep him out of striking distance."

Max still tries to hold out for the knife. "But if you take the shrouding ability into account, the knife is all the deadlier. It's a deadly silent kill."

"That's also true and the knife is deadly but we're looking for the weapon that's most deadly. A single hit from that knife won't kill a Judoon."

Edge: The Roh-Teh Stick

Announcer: _Coming up, our team of experts puts the long range weapons to the test. _

General Martok approaches with a long, sleek weapon that somewhat resembles the Dominion Disrupter Rifle. Martok explains the weapon. "This is the Coagulation Ray. It is a weapon that fires an invisible beam that prevents a life form's blood from coagulating." Martok hefts the weapon and puts on the targeting goggles for it. "When you get hit by his weapon, even the slightest bump will start to bleed uncontrollably."

To get his point across, Martok aims the ray and fires it at Jack Harkness. For a moment nothing happens. Jack jumps back in shock and starts to yell at Martok. "Hey, what was that for!" Ignoring the dashing Harkness, Martok hits Jack in the shoulder. Jack grabs his shoulder and starts to groan in pain. Suddenly he grows pale and he hits the ground.

Martok loves the feel of the weapon. Goran adds commentary. "As you can see, this is the ideal sniping weapon. It is totally undetectable to the targets and they are not aware of the damage until it is too late. A skilled user of the weapon could take out an entire Federation platoon with this and they wouldn't start dying until everyone had been hit."

Suddenly Jack Harkness jumps up. He shouts at Martok, "You bastard!" He then punches Martok with surprising force, knocking off the targeting goggles. Jack storms off angrily, but not before yelling at Worf. "Keep this fucker in line!" Jack then runs off to make out with some pretty young ladies who work for the studio.

Worf looks at Martok. He does not approve of his friend's rash action. "It is fortuitous that you choose to shoot an immortal target."

Martok is surprised. "He was immortal?"

Show scenes of Martok testing the Coagulation Ray on dummies and pig carcasses.

Announcer:_ As impressive as it may be, the Judoon have their own answer to the Jem'Hadar's deadly ray. _

Cut to Captain Jack leading Captain Tybo. Jack looks excited. Clearly this is due to the massive cannon that Tybo is carrying. The thing is huge, made out of heavy metal and has a primitive and worn look. If you dropped this thing, it would still keep working. It represents the Judoon philosophy very well: hit first and with overwhelming power to break your enemy's back.

Announcer:_ The Anti-Dalek cannon, weighing in at one hundred and fifty kilograms and powered by a Nad'aq enriched Uranium power cell, this weapon packs the power to blow right through the nigh impenetrable force fields of the merciless Daleks. _

Jack Harkness explains more about the weapon. "When the Judoon were fighting the Daleks in the Canopus system, the Judoon were not well prepared for the situation."

Announcer: _The Daleks are an artificially created race from war torn planet Skaro, whose sole mission in life is to kill anything that isn't a Dalek. _

Show a Dalek on the desert surface of Arrakis. A squad of Judoon take cover from behind jagged rocks from the Dalek's devastating energy weapon. Resembling a giant metal salt shaker with a single camera eye stalk, the Dalek fires blasts of energy while shouting in a metallic staccato, "EX-TERM-IN-ATE! EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" One of the Judoon tries to fire on it with a blaster but is killed by the Dalek in a single hit. It crumples to the ground, leaving its comrades to defend themselves.

Cut back to Jack Harkness in the fight club. "The Judoon really didn't have anything to counter the Daleks so the Judoon weapons designers came up with a solution." Jack turns around and hefts a device that looks like a less worn out, miniature version of the Judoon's anti-Dalek cannon. "This was designed by the Time Lord known as the Doctor. He first designed this after the Battle at Canary Wharf."

Cut to recreation of Battle of Arrakis. A line of Daleks are all shouting "EX-TERM-IN-ATE!" They are climbing easily up a path in the Arrakeen mountains. Suddenly a Judoon pops up behind a rock formation with an anti-Dalek cannon. Upon squeezing the trigger, a pencil thin bolt of orange green energy shoots out. The beam hits to the left of one Dalek, instantly destroying it but also fatally damaging the two Daleks left and right of it and crippling a third.

Jack finishes his explanation. "What the Judoon did was they took this weapon here and they gave it ten doses of steroids. Judoon don't like anything complex and that applies to the technology they use. It's extra big so that it can use parts that are bigger but more durable and fewer in number. It can operate at high efficiency in conditions that would severely impair other weapons of comparable power. Sandstorms, electromagnetic variations, gravity anomalies, foggy atmosphere, liquid atmosphere; nothing can stop this monster from functioning."

The test for the weapon begins. Captain Tybo stands five hundred yards away from a line of targets dressed in Jem'Hadar anti-energy armour. Geoff gives the countdown and then it's go time. Tybo raises the giant weapon and gazes down the iron sights. One squeeze of the trigger and something amazing happens.

The blast is spectacular. The targets don't even stand a chance. It's like a mini nuke was detonated in their mist. The thin bolt zips through the five hundred yards in an eye blink and blows the targets to bits. A giant fireball and enormous concussive blast are generated. The blast is so intense that one of the camera lenses cracks.

Announcer: _Upon exploring the damage, our experts find the evidence plain. _

The Deadliest warrior team is standing on a patch of scorched earth. Next to them is a deep crater. There is absolutely no sign of the targets. Geoff is stunned. "It's all gone."

Max is beside himself with glee. "That. Was. Awesome!"

Edge: The Anti-Dalek Cannon

Jack Harkness elaborates. "The Coagulation Ray was good but the Anti-Dalek Cannon is more powerful and easy to aim for a Judoon. They even use these things to shoot down small Dalek ships. That's not bad, I'd say."

Goran'Agar is not impressed. "It is a very nice weapon." He's totally cool and in control. "It's the weapon of the unskilled. One shrouded Jem'Hadar with a disrupter could kill ten soldiers armed with those cannons. It's good for shooting ships, but this show doesn't measure ship to ship combat."

Announcer: _Next up, special weapons_.

Show a recreation of Federation Marines investigating a building abandoned by the Jem'Hadar. Suddenly a circular mine materializes before the troops and explodes.

Announcer: _Anti-personal weapons deployed by the dominion in vast numbers. These devices were especially lethal since they were virtually undetectable by federation sensors. _

Goran explains holds up one of these lethal devices and explains. "The subspace mine was one of the preferred anti-personnel weapons of the dominion. Easy to manufacture and reliable, these devices could be churned out at half again the rate of the more advanced Romulan and Klingon mines."

Shows an image of a federation outpost on a desolate planet. The soldiers are worn out and on the point of breakdown, mentally and morally.

Announcer: _Part of the reason of this weapons' effectiveness is that it was nearly undetectable to any conventional methods of scanning. _

Goran elaborates on what the announcer is saying. "While all sides in the conflict had cloaked mines, these did more than just cloak. They did in the various layers of sub-space and could be programmed to randomly phase back into this level of space. So even after the allied forces took a Dominion installation, these mines would kill a few of their number every day and they would be helpless to locate them. A soldier might walk past a location a hundred times and the one day—

The powerful looking Jem'Hadar pauses and just looks at the bomb he's holding. He's gotten his point across.

Announcer: _To test this devious explosive, multiple targets will be placed at different distances. _We can see Geoff and Max applying adhesive pads to the targets, which are large pig carcasses in Judoon armour.

Announcer: _The team places biomedical sensors on the insides of the armour in order to gauge concussive force, electrical shock and subspace distortion. _

At last, everything is set up for the explosive test. The three dead pigs in Judoon armour sit inside of a makeshift structure made out of cheap concrete. Each target stands roughly ten feet from the other and arranged so that none of them will act like a shield for another. The structure is meant to simulate a Dominion base of operations.

While Martok protests his qualifications, Goran has a superior level of qualification to set up the deadly circular mine. A shout from the Jem'Hadar indicates that the weapon is primed.

Soon everybody (even Jack Harkness) is standing safely behind the safety glass from many yards away. Geoff kicks off his patented countdown. "3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . FIRE!"

A blinding explosion rips through the ad hoc concrete structure. Inside the building are the three pig carcasses, smouldering like so much good pork gone to waste.

Announcer: _The team waits excitedly as Geoff reads the data from the sensor pads. _

Geoff reads the labels with much relish. "Okay, the first guy is definitely dead. The concussion blast registers with a level fatal to Judoon physiology." He gestures to a series of puncture wounds in the armour. "On top of having his brains scrambled, he's also full of holes."

Cut to Martok grinning over the damage. He's not a man who easily lets the horrors of war let sour his spirits. On the contrary, he toasts and enjoys his enemy's good misfortune.

Geoff goes on. "The electronic and subspace damage read null. It looks like the armour nullified that."

Armand gives his two cents. "Based on what I've seen of Judoon anatomy, these shrapnel bits hit him in vital organs. He's planting daisies."

Quickly the team moves onto the second guy standing ten feet back. Geoff goes through it like routine. "Death by electronic and subspace distortion is a no go. Concussive force is fatal and seeing a lot of shrapnel wounds but a lot less than the first guy. Dorian, back me up."

The camera pans to show blood dripping through the holes in the armour. "Judging by the position of these shrapnel wounds, this guy is going to need medical attention fast but it's not instantly fatal."

The third target has fared considerably better than its brother pigs. "The concussion blast here would give our Judoon a serious headache but nothing fatal. There's one or two shrapnel wounds and once again electric and subspace are a no show."

Goran in his reserved yet brutish way boasts what he perceives to be a victory. "The Judoon may scan all that they please but they lack the intelligence necessary to locate these mines. If they value their lives they will never again challenge the Jem'Hadar."

Announcer: _But the Judoon have one last weapon up their sleeve—a naturally evolved one! Made from a substance stronger than keratin, a Judoon's horn is the first weapon that he's taught to use. _

Video footage of young Judoon appears. Hardly half the size of adults, two juvenile Judoon circle each other inside of what looks like a wrestling ring. A full grown Judoon observes the youngsters but doesn't interfere.

Announcer: _As with all Judoon training, hand to hand combat is merciless. _

The young Judoon charge and start to try and gore each other across the face with their horns.

Announcer: _Injuries during training are accepted and even encouraged. _

One of the young Judoon strikes his opponent in the eye, crushing the eye socket. His adversary bellows with pain.

Announcer: _During such training, Judoon have been known to incur crushed eye sockets, broken jaws, fractured skulls and lacerations. All of this is done with the intent to forge them into perfect mercenary soldiers. _

The camera interviews Captain Tybo: **Judoon are not concerned with pain or physical discomfort. Casualties are acceptable and and necessary in the ultimate up keeping of the law .**

Announcer: _To make this test as accurate as possible, a ballistics gel dummy replicating Jem'Hadar physiology. Also this dummy will be clad in Jem'Hadar anti-energy armour. _

Captain Tybo stands across from the dummy, his ears swivel and his beady eyes narrow. Geoff calls to Tybo. "Ready, Captain?"

Tybo nods. "**Affirmative**."

"Go!"

The effect is instantaneous. Captain Tybo bends his legs and puts a three fingered hand on the ground like an American football player. His thick legs then propel him towards the dummy. Head pointed down and horns forward, Tybo moves like a speeding semi-truck.

The Dummy is anchored with concrete to avoid being knocked over by the enthusiastic Judoon. The position of his eyes allows him to track a target even when his head is point down.

There is a wet crunch as Captain Tybo hits the target just where the Jem'Hadar's heart would be located. Grunting like metal tearing, Captain Tybo stabs his sharp horn repeatedly into the dummy's body. A human would be ripped to shreds by this savage display of fury.

To finish it off, Captain Tybo drives his horn under the dummy's chin and deliver's a powerful kick to the face with his armoured boot.

Geoff and the rest of the experts analyze the damage. Dorian Armand takes point. After peeling off the armour uniform, he gives us the what ho. "Surprisingly enough, there's no bleeding. The horn failed to penetrate the armour."

Captain Tybo growls but at the encouragement of Jack Harkness avoids sentencing Dorian to a merciless thrashing.

Dorian continues with his assessment. "Despite being primarily anti-energy armour, this stuff is also designed to provide protection against stabbing and projectile weapons. And let's not forget that Jem'Hadar skin is as tough if not tougher than Judoon skin."

He points a finger over the heart. "That's definitely two ribs broken but it looks like the heart would still be pumping."

Dorian indicates the face of the Dummy. "The horn strike under the Jaw did penetrate the flesh but the horn stopped at the roof of the mouth. A gory injury but not fatal and it would barely slow down somebody like Goran here." The Jem'Hadar nods to Dorian.

Geoff is impressed by the kick that Captain Tybo delivered. "That was one hell of a kick. You've pretty much broken every bone in his face and he won't be able to see out of one eye. Even for a Jem'Hadar, that's gotta hurt. I don't care what planet you're from."

Edge: The Subspace Mine.

Geoff gives us the reason for why the mine got the edge. "The Judoon's horn was deadly and hurt like hell, but the mine was deadlier. The Jem'Hadar are as sturdy and as durable as the Judoon so much of the horn's effectiveness was nullified. Also the mine was a powerful psychological weapon."

Announcer: _With all the data gathered, it's time to begin the main event. Our experts have done all that they can. Max Geiger inputs the information gathered into a special software program designed by Slytherin Studios. _

Our team of guest experts give their last minute opinions. Martok is his usual boisterous self. "The Judoon are nothing but lumbering _pre-Ta'Qs_ (Klingon swear word not translated for television.) Those self righteous beasts claim to show their devoutness by wearing their boots to sleep.

Cut to Worf looking quite surprised. "The Judoon wear their boots to bed? So do I. Perhaps I am on the wrong side."

Jack Harkness is easy going as always. "I'm going to go with the Judoon because for all their power, the Jem'Hadar lost the war to the Alpha Quadrant powers."

Goran'Agar is laconic to the max. "We are the Jem'Hadar. That is all you need to know."

Captain Tybo is blunt. "**The Judoon will prevail. Justice is swift.**"

Announcer: _In order to prevent victory to come from a single lucky shot, the simulation will feature a fight between teams of five. At the press of the button, let the games begin. _

Begin Fight simulation:

Somewhere on a remote planet, Jem'Hadar troops marshal for battle. Hundreds of them organize into square formation before being beamed up to ships in orbit.

Suddenly a Dominion ship full of Jem'Hadar troops explodes into flame over the planet. From the planet's surface, ships explode in the sky like fireworks. Jem'Hadar troops are no longer being teleported to the ships above. Instead, Judoon soldiers are being teleported to the planet's surface in order to exterminate this criminal breach of galactic law.

Over every communications channel as well as being blasted by loudspeakers on Judoon landing craft. "**You have violated the Joint Powers treaty of 2407. Under the laws of the Shadow Proclamation offenders will be summarily terminated.**"

Inside of a Dominion temporary shelter, a squad of five Jem'Hadar realize that this is no place to be for them. The fleet is retreating and they must find their own way off the planet. Luckily for them there is a shuttlecraft inside a nearby bunker. Unluckily for them, a squad of five Judoon teleport on the planet's surface with the intent of cutting off any escape via the shuttlecraft.

As the Jem'Hadar reach the base, their leader accesses a remote control which activates the subspace mines. The game is on.

Jem'Hadar: Five

Judoon: Five

The Judoon march down the hallway of the bunker, stomping like a military parade. Unlike the Jem'Hadar who creep stealthily and evade, the Judoon proudly show off their guns and armour in a bid to intimidate their foes.

Stomping down the hallway, a subspace mine flashes into existence just as the group of rhino aliens turns a corner. The foremost Judoon is killed by the mine. His body absorbs the shrapnel while his companions who were shielded by a corner survive.

Jem'Hadar: Five

Judoon: Four

The team of Jem'Hadar make their way down the ferocrete corridors. The five of them then reach a security door. The door is thick duranium steel reinforced by a built in energy barrier one millimetre over the metal. Two Jem'Hadar take point, aiming their weapons down the way they came. Two others take aim at the door while the senior officer goes as fast as he can for the activation code.

The team leader doesn't get far because a moment after he starts punching in the access code to the shuttle bay he's blasted into his constituent atoms. The security door designed to withstand a direct hit from a class four phaser cannon is blown apart like so much tin. With a giant smoking hole in the nearly indestructible alloy, the nearly two ton door flies down the hallway like paper in the wind.

Jem'Hadar: Four

Judoon: Four

One Jem'Hadar takes a hit from the flying door, shattering his left arm and nearly ripping it off. The other Jem'Hadar take shrapnel hits but their lightweight armour and genetically engineered toughness see to it that they are still combat effective.

The force of the detonation caused the lights in the bunker to burst. The emergency lighting goes on and the entire place is flooded with red light, colouring everything a ghastly shade of crimson.

Through the smoking wreckage of the door, a Judoon carrying an anti-Dalek cannon steps. The giant alien's head is covered by a sheer metal helmet with no visible eye holes. The creature raises its giant cannon for another shot but is cut down by the Jem'Hadar with the broken arm.

The disrupter shot goes out and strikes the Judoon in the gap between the chest plate and the shoulder armour. There's a horrible smell of burned flesh as the Judoon's power armour only partially shields its wearer from the effects of vaporization. The Judoon is dead but at least there will be a body to bury.

Jem'Hadar: Four

Judoon: Three

The Jem'Hadar start to flee. Ordinarily they would fight to the last man but their orders were to leave the planet in a timely fashion as possible. As the peel down the hallway to take an alternate route to the shuttle craft, the one with a broken arm lags slightly.

This small lag is enough for one of the Judoon. The faceless armoured space rhino charges the injured Jem'Hadar with a Roh-Teh stick. The Judoon swings at the Jem'Hadar's legs. A wet crunching is heard and the Jem'Hadar goes down.

Jem'Hadar: Three

Judoon: Three

In vain the downed Jem'Hadar tries to go for his dropped weapon. The Judoon commando towers over his crippled enemy. Without making a sound, he uses his club weapon to bust open the Jem'Hadar's head like a jar full of artichoke paste. All that alien gore looks black in the crimson lighting.

The remaining Jem'Hadar start to make for an emergency exit in one of the walls. As they all crawl through the small tube, subspace mines activate behind them, triggered by the electronic signatures in their suits. These electronic signatures also ensure that the cloned soldiers will not be harmed by the mines.

The three aliens blink as they come into the natural sunlight of the planet. Their genetically modified eyes adjust quickly to the different light levels. Speedily they start to race through a patch of sharp rocks which they have to pass through in order to reach the closest path to the shuttle.

The Jem'Hadar leap over the deadly rocks with the grace of gazelles. They are almost knocked over when an entire wall in the bunker explodes from the inside. Sure as daylight, the remainder of the Judoon squad proudly stomp through the burning debris that was created by the anti-Dalek cannon. They never had any intention of stepping through the mined escape tubes.

The Jem'Hadar know the importance of taking the massive gun out of the fight. So the sharpshooter of the group sets his Coagulation Ray to maximum. He readies himself and motions for his companions to flee. They flee because it is Jem'Hadar philosophy that states when the death of one will make the rest stronger, then that one must die.

With a squeeze of the trigger, the Judoon carrying the cannon falters, groans and then dies on the spot from internal bleeding. His corpse won't leave a mess inside the suit.

Jem'Hadar: Three

Judoon: Two

The Jem'Hadar sharp shooter doesn't last long. The remaining Judoon get him with their blasters. A red beam hits the Jem'Hadar in the chest and the anti-energy armour stops come of the damage. But another red beam hits him in the head. Heat energy spreads through his body and his corpse breaks apart into a thousand glowing embers. His weapon and lightweight fabric armour drop to the ground.

Jem'Hadar: Two

Judoon: Two

For the Jem'Hadar, their objective is almost in sight. The shuttle craft is protected by an energy field.

Behind them are the two remaining Judoon, dogged as ever. Rather than run, they decide to flank the Judoon.

The pair of Judoon charge in a straight line. To their surprise, the Jem'Hadar they are chasing appear to the sides of them.

The reptilian aliens pop up from behind two rocks. They open fire at the same time. One Judoon throws himself behind cover, his armour taking the brunt of the damage. The other Judoon is critically wounded by the attack and perishes.

Jem'Hadar: Two

Judoon: One

The remaining Judoon goes over his weapons. He's got a blaster with him that's nearly at full power, his Roh-Teh stick and his own horn. The rock that he cowers behind won't stop the Jem'Hadar for long. Popping up quickly, he manages to shoot one of his enemies in the head. It's not enough to vaporize but it's certainly enough to bake the creature's brain to a crisp.

Jem'Hadar: One

Judoon: One

The last Judoon gets back behind cover. Unfortunately for him, a subspace mine flashes into existence. He growls in anger and fear.

The blast from the subspace mine shakes the ground and the Jem'Hadar warrior to the bone. Looking from his spot of cover, the Jem'Hadar makes no assumptions. Making ready, he takes his combat knife and attaches it to the barrel of his disrupter.

He sprints over to where the Judoon was. No there is nothing but a crater. The body must have been annihilated. The Judoon is definitely dead.

The Jem'Hadar then looks to the space shuttle. The objective of the mission is so close. Now he may rejoin the rest of the Dominion fleet and take the battle to the Shadow Proclamation's mercenary army.

His huge strides take him rapidly across the ground and to the force field. A scanner flashes and deactivates the security measures. The Jem'Hadar soldier runs to the shuttle and starts to open the door—

—When suddenly he's grabbed by his ankle and dragged out. The Jem'Hadar is hauled out and thrown aside like a potato sack. Without even bothering to look at his opponent, he goes for his gun.

A booted foot comes down and smashes the durable metal of the disrupter like cheap plastic. Standing over the Jem'Hadar is a very pissed off Judoon. The creature's helmet has come off. One of his ears is shredded beyond repair and yellow blood drips down from his wounds.

The Judoon are bulky but they are quick. This one managed to sprint to the edge of the blast radius. His beady red eyes stare out with pure fury. It's not just about the law now. It's now a matter of personal revenge.

The Judoon brandishes his Roh-Teh stick. He really, really wants to use it.

The Jem'Hadar rolls out of the way as the Judoon stomps again, narrowly missing a face full of spiked iron soled boot. The impact of that foot shakes the ground in a mini-tremor.

In a controlled martial arts move, the Jem'Hadar knocks the legs from under his enemy.

The Judoon knows just what to do and he rapidly gives it as good as he gets. The Jem'Hadar is unable to dodge an armoured fist to the jaw.

The Jem'Hadar's vision is full of stars and he hits the ground hard. By the grace of his lightning reflexes he is saved as the Roh-Teh stick arcs down towards him. With a twist of his head, the heavy club weapon hits just where his head was.

The Judoon lands on top of the Jem'Hadar, spraying rhino snot all over his enemy's face and pressing the edge of the Roh-Teh into his windpipe.

The Jem'Hadar kicks and thrashes but can't get the crushing force off of his armoured trachea. Desperately he looks for something to use.

There!

To the right of him is the combat knife, still attached to the shattered energy weapon. Not letting up on his thrashing, he calculates if he can reach that bladed weapon.

The Judoon thrashes his head every which way. He attempts to drive his horn into the Jem'Hadar's eye.

At the last second, a clawed, scaly hand grabs into the Judoon's snout.

The Jem'Hadar has a first class view of the enemy's horn, only a hair's breadth from his eye. It's now or never.

In a desperate gamble, the Jem'Hadar lets go of the weapon crushing his throat. With snake like speed, that hand shoots out and grabs the front of the disrupter. The pressure on his trachea is now unbearable. His vision is going dark around the edges.

Gritting his teeth, the Jem'Hadar takes the weapon and drives the combat knife through the Judoon's wounded ear. The knife is almost destroyed as it punctures through the Judoon's strong bones, but the gambit pays off.

The Judoon's eyes go dead as the knife pierces its brain. It's dead.

Jem'Hadar: One

Judoon: Zero

_**Judoon vs. Jem'Hadar**_

_**JEM'HADAR WINS!**_

The last Jem'Hadar stands up and looks to the shuttle craft. Before departing he looks to the sky full of exploding ships and screams, "Victory is life!"

Announcer: _Over a thousand simulated battles, the Jem'Hadar won 634 and the Judoon won 366._

Max Geiger appears on screen. "The anti-Dalek cannon had easily the most kills out of any weapon but the Jem'Hadar's weapons were more well rounded and had more kills on average."

Captain Tybo curses in his native languages. The network won't allow such langage on TV. "**Foh! Toh! Scoh! Boh! Crow! Moh! Baka-dinah-Joh!**"

General Martok just laughs and he waves around a mug of blood wine to celebrate. "Max Geiger's computer program truly understands that victory goes to the warrior with _honour_!" Laughing, he brings his drink to his lips. Suddenly Martok starts to choke on his blood wine and spills half of it.

Goran'Agar schools his face into a mask of neutrality. "The Jem'Hadar won this battle. We were bred to defeat thugs like the Judoon. They are strong and brave but they are merely brigands who rely on intimidation."

As usual, Jack Harkenss is chipper and happy. "I'm a little surprised that the Judoon lost, but then again the Jem'Hadar are pretty tough. I'm just here to have fun and I did." Jack then grins. "Plus, I've got a date tonight with Max."

Cut to Max Geiger who yells at the camera. "It's not a date! Jack and I are just going for drinks!" Somewhere in Cardiff, Whales, a man named Ianto Jones starts to cry as he watches this show because he finally realizes that Jack Harkness and faithfulness are two concepts that do not go hand in hand.

Geoff rounds out the discussion. "Jem'Hadar had better designed weapons and the superior skills to use them. The fight ended up with them."

Captain Tybo is back and he's calmed down some. "**The computer program was inaccurate. This studio will be fined for criminal inaccuracy. The Judoon would simply blast the Jem'Hadar from a distance or in orbit.**"

Dorian Armand has the final say. "This was an interesting match and it was an honour to work with everyone here. Everything else has already been said."

Roll video footage of the Jem'Hadar and Judoon teams reluctantly shaking hands. Captain Tybo and Goran'Agar roughly shake hands. Jack Harkness tries to give Worf a big hug but instead takes a knee to the groin. Immortal or not, that fucking hurts.

Announcer: _Tune in next week on Fanfiction's Deadliest Warrior when superspy Solid snake goes head to head with infamous criminal menace Killer Croc._

* * *

I hope you all enjoyed this match up :D Feel free to tell me that my simulation was wrong.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	2. Solid Snake vs Killer Croc

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Disclaimer: I do not own Solid Snake, Killer Croc or Deadliest Warrior, they belong to Konami and DC comics. I'm just borrowing them for fun and not profit. No profit from this.

* * *

Announcer: _Solid Snake, infamous super spy. _

The screen flashes with an image of said super spy. He's a man of average height and a lean athletic build. Under a grey one piece suit his toned body is able to move fast and silently. Proudly, Snake ties a bandanna around his head. The look on his face is deadly serious and his brown mullet waves in the wind.

Announcer: _Created from the DNA of the world's greatest soldier, Solid Snake is the pinnacle of military prowess._

The scene cuts to a dark overhead shot of Arkham Asylum in Gotham Bay. Located on a rocky island with steep cliffs, this facility looks more like a medieval castle than a modern mental hospital. The camera swoops down into the halls of the facility. The halls are dirty and the lights are on the fritz, casting everything in shadow.

Announcer: _But Solid Snake has never faced an enemy like this before._

The camera races down the hallways of Arkham, passing brutal guards and screaming inmates. Grotesque gargoyles watch over everything like silent sentinels.

After many twists and turns through Arkham's labyrinthine interior, it reaches the maximum security wing. Here, steam leaks out of rusty pipes and wires spark. The camera stops at a massive set of steel doors, jarringly high tech compared to the dilapidated and filthy surroundings.

The steel doors smoothly open. Something massive steps out of the doors, something more beast than man. A gigantic eight foot tall monster stomps into sight. It roars, exposing rows of razor sharp teeth and splattering the camera with drool.

Announcer: _Waylon Jones, aka Killer Croc. Deadly serial killer and cannibal of Gotham City's rogues Gallery._

The screen then cuts to an image of Croc. He's massive, wide as well as tall and ripping with muscle. Draped over these powerful muscles is a skin that's totally covered in scales that are as tough as actual crocodile hide. Croc's long teeth are incredibly long and ground down to flesh ripping points.

Announcer: _These warriors are total opposites._

_Stealth_

Solid Snake moves among the shadows and gets behind an unsuspecting mercenary. Snake draws his knife and that's all you need to know.

_Versus brute power_

A gang of thugs huddle in one of Gotham's abandoned apartment buildings. A door that is reinforced with twenty locks is ripped off its hinges like it's not even there. Croc lumbers into the room and rips out the throat of the man nearest to him.

_Superior tactical ability_

Solid Snake faces down a veritable army of men with guns. All he has is a pistol. Without warning he fires at some hydrogen tanks on the back wall. The explosion knocks the men down but when they get back up, Snake is gone.

_Versus total ferocity_

Croc springs out of the shadows at one of the Joker's henchmen. He rips away the henchman's gun and then clamps his powerful jaws down on the man's neck.

_A perfect assassin _

Solid Snake has a sniper rifle. With it he decimates an entire platoon of men without breaking a sweat.

_Versus a superhuman killing machine_

Croc stands in what used to be a biker bar. All around him, bikers and their girlfriends have been torn to pieces and half eaten.

_The two will do battle_

Croc charges at Snake in a dark, damp sewer and tackles him. Writhing like the animal he's named after, Snake struggles to escape Croc's crushing grip. Croc's voice growls. "_Tick, tock, feed the croc!_" His mighty jaws seem to engulf the camera.

Announcer: _And_ _the question will finally be answered_

**_Who_**

**_Is _**

**_DEADLIEST?_**

The fight club is scurrying with activity. Today's fight will be especially exciting. Geoff Demoulin will handle the job of cataloguing biomedical data.

Geoff speaks for the camera. "This is going to be one hell of a match. In all the history of the show we've a lot of warriors but never a super villain before. I'm looking forward to it."

Computer expert Max Geiger will be handling the sophisticated software that allows the show to find out who is deadliest. "I'm going to give this fight to Solid Snake, all the way," he says. "I mean, come on; it's Solid Snake we're talking about. He can do things with a cardboard box that no other man can do."

Fight doctor Dorian Armand takes with him years of valuable emergency room experience. "I'm particularly excited about this episode because Killer Croc is something of a medical researcher's dream." As Dorian explains, we are treated to several images of the good doctor going over his medical textbooks. "He has a skin condition that normally covers a person with painful, bleeding scales but nothing to his degree. He also has a glandular disorder that causes him to be extremely muscular. And that's nothing to talk about his psychological problems."

Announcer: _A team of outside experts has been brought in to represent either side of this fight. _

Stats: Solid Snake

Height: 5'10''

Weight: 160 lbs

Allegiance: FOXHOUND special forces team

Stats: Killer Croc

Height: 8'6''

Weight: 530 lbs

Allegiance: none

Announcer: _Enter team Snake, composed of Sniper Wolf and Hal "Otacon" Emmerich._

The camera pans over said teammates. Sniper Wolf is an Iraqi Kurdish woman packing a heavy looking sniper rifle and showing some mondo cleavage. Otacon is a scientist so named for his enormous love of anime and has recently come out of a Naruto rehab clinic.

Announcer: _On team Croc we have Arkham guard Aaron Cash and the superhero Nightwing. _

Aaron Cash is a sturdy looking black man native to Gotham City. One of his hands has been replaced with a metal hook. Nightwing is a former sidekick of Batman who struck out on his own in the crime infested city of Bludhaven.

The two teams of experts size each other up. Behind his domino mask, Nightwing raises an eyebrow at Sniper Wolf and her deep cleavage. "A lady sniper, huh?"

Sniper Wolf replies with a melodious Kurdish accent. "Silly bird, didn't you know that most of the world's greatest spies and assassins are women?"

Otacon points at Cash's hook hand and attempts manly posturing. "Hey Captain Hook, how'd you lose the hand?" The sweet, geeky Otacon fails at intimidation.

Cash is not amused. "If you call me that one more time I'll kick you so hard you won't have any groin left." His threat causes Otacon to step back in fear. He turns to Nightwing. "Come on, let's go." It's time to get to work.

Announcer: _Tests will be recorded on the high speed camera. In place of actual human bodies, our experts have prepared anatomically identical ballistics gel dummies. First up is Team Snake._

Solid Snake Weapons: CQC knife, PSG-1 Sniper Rifle, Mk .23 SOCOM handgun, Stinger missile

Killer Croc Weapons: Sledge hammer, Tommy gun, Manhole cover, Lexcorp explosive charge

Team Snake goes first. To demonstrate the power of the CQC knife, or close quarter combat knife, Sniper Wolf is going to go loco on a ballistics gel dummy. Our biomedical expert Geoff straps a motion capture device to the Kurdish woman's wrist. As he does so, he gives her a little wink. She chooses not to notice it.

Sniper Wolf walks up to her target with the knife. Before starting, she gives a little rundown of the knife. "This is the CQC knife. It is made of folded steel and has a serrated edge for use as a utility tool or for a slicer of human flesh. I think you will find it quite useful against Killer Croc's tough hide." She gives a little smirk and fastens on her safety glasses in case of flying flesh chunks.

With the all green from Geoff, Sniper Wolf proves that she's not just good with a sniper rifle. Instantly she throws herself at the target. Gracefully she slashes open the throat, severing the carotid and jugular arteries and opening up the windpipe. Blood gushes from the wound by the bucket. Next, she skilfully slices the heart in half. To finish it off, she delivers a deadly liver shot.

Geoff stops the clock and now it's time to inspect the damage. Dorian Armand passes over the throat cut in favour of the liver strike. Gingerly he yanks the knife out of the dummy. "Not many people know this but a hit to the liver is very deadly. There are several major arteries in that organ." He pauses and hands back the knife to Sniper Wolf. "Also, the liver is responsible for filtering out toxins from your blood. If you impair that ability in any significant way then you're done for."

The throat cut is straight forward. Max Geiger gives the prognosis for that one. "I'm no doctor but I'm pretty sure that's an instant kill."

Nightwing and Aaron Cash are less than impressed. Cash points with his left hand. "You're going to try and attack Croc with that? That's like attacking him with a toothpick."

Nightwing agrees with the Arham guard. "Croc's skin is much tougher than an ordinary human's. Knives just tend to make him angry. Usually when people try to stab him, he just eats their hands."

Otacon's eyes widen at this utterance. Then he looks at Cash's hook. "Is that how you lost your hand?"

Cash responds angrily. "Hell yes I lost my hand that way. That animal ate my hand."

Otacon looks at Cash's missing hand with a newfound respect. "This guy sounds like one sick son of a bitch."

"He is," says Nightwing.

Announcer: _Team Croc prepares with their own deadly melee weapon. Weighing ten pounds and measuring five feet long, the sledge hammer can be found in any hardware store in Gotham City. _

Nightwing stands before a fresh ballistics gel dummy with sensors strapped to his wrists and to the shaft of the heavy hammer. "Croc is basically as dumb as this hammer, but he's been known to use weapons as long as they don't take too much technical skill to operate."

Nightwing gets into fighting stands and raises the sledge hammer over his head. Geoff gives the general order. "Alright, in 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . FIRE!"

Nightwing's first strike is devastating. The heavy hammer comes down on the collar bone of the dummy, snapping it completely in half. Nightwing swings changes his stance and swings the cumbersome weapon at the dummy's head, causing it to explode into a shower of bone and simulated brains. Each strike comes with a sick crunch and before long the test is over.

Nightwing is covered in fake blood and chunks of ballistics gel. Max Geiger is utterly staggered by the power of the sledge hammer. "Now that's impressive." Geoff concurs with Max. "You see that, that's called carnage."

Dorian gives the good news. "A broken collar bone is a bad thing because it's very hard to heal, but this is crazy. You've totally snapped the collar bone, torn muscle and ligament in ways that would require months of physical therapy to even start healing. The ribs are totally powdered from the blows that Nightwing gave them. I haven't seen damage like this since I saw a guy once get hit by a two ton hummer."

Sniper Wolf is dismissive of the sledge hammer. "By Allah, we are engaging in battle, not hammering fence posts. Did you see how unwieldy that weapon is?"

Cash challenges Sniper Wolf's claim. "Unwieldy for me, maybe; but if you've seen Croc's strength, a little ten pound sledge hammer is nothing for him. During an escape attempt I saw him drip the door off of Warden Sharp's Mercedes and use it to take somebody's head off."

Announcer: _With testing concluded, our experts sit down and view the high speed footage_

The guys watch slow motion footage of Sniper Wolf and Nightwing use their respective weapons. Max Geiger makes an observation about the sledge hammer. "It really takes Nightwing a long time between strikes."

Geoff acknowledges this but has a point of his own to make. "That's true, but Nightwing swings that hammer a lot faster than your average Joe. And this is Croc we're dealing with. To him, a little ten pound hammer is nothing."

Edge: The sledge hammer

With short range weapons taken care of, it's now time to move on to medium range. It's the Mk .23 SOCOM versus the manhole cover.

Otacon just laughs at the sight of Nightwing rolling along a manhole lid. "That thing has got to be nearly a hundred pounds of metal! What are you going to do with that?"

Announcer: _But Ocaton doesn't know how deadly this simple piece of civic engineering can be in the hands of someone like Killer Croc. _

The scene cuts to footage from a security camera outside of a Gotham City gas station. In the slightly blurry security video, Killer Croc battles Gotham's dark night. Batman deftly weaves and ducks around Croc's devastating blows. One strike manages to knock back the caped crusader and Croc uses this to his advantage. Reaching down, Croc reaches down and hooks his claws into a manhole that's barely wider than his hand. He flings his ad hoc weapon like it's a Frisbee. Batman narrowly avoids being decapitated as the flying sewer cover smashes into somebody's car.

Announcer:_ Unimpressed by this lethal weapon, Team Snake goes forth with Otacon taking point. _

The nerdy scientist is fully prepared for weapons firing; he's got safety glasses and a pair of earphones that he brought from home. His target is a manhole lid with a green crocodile painted on it. Otacon looks at Geoff, Max and Dorian. "Guys, what's going on?"

Geoff explains to Otacon. "We're having you test to see if your gun can punch through the metal of the manhole cover."

Otacon hangs his head. "Oh, I wanted to shoot a ballistics dummy," he whines.

However, Otacon is a trooper and goes through with the test. Raising his weapon, a touch of a button activates the targeting laser. The tiny red dot settles on the painted crocodile's eye. The large forty five calibre handgun is fitted with a silencer so the customary bang is reduced to a small pop. The bullet strikes with an explosive spark.

Steadily but surely, Otacon empties the twelve round magazine into the target which is steadily but surely being filled with holes. When the gun is empty, Geoff stops the clock and Otacon takes off his eye and ear protection.

The nerdy otaku now has a confident swagger to his stance. He grins and starts to praise the weapon he wielded so well. "That ladies and gentlemen is the Mk .23 SOCOM handgun, firing a .45 ACP cartridge and is threaded with an O-ring around the barrel to accommodate a silencer." His grin widens as he quotes a favourite movie of his. "That's right; shop smart, shop S-mart."

The quote is lost on Dorian Armand and Sniper Wolf but Max Geiger grins at his fellow geek.

For the experts this is an easier one to decide. "When Dick Grayson threw the manhole cover, it did a great deal of damage; rupturing the liver and breaking ribs but it's essentially a one-shot weapon," says Dorian.

Max utterly agrees with his medically trained compatriot. "Totally there. Croc could probably kill you with that big thing but Solid Snake will always kill you with his sweet handgun."

Edge: Mk .23 SOCOM handgun

Announcer: _Halfway through our show and things are already heating up. _

The experts on both sides are busy as bees. Nightwing acrobatically manoeuvres with a steel pipe while Sniper Wolf is shown hefting around a weighty anti-tank gun.

Announcer: _The two sides are taking this more seriously than ever. _

Aaron Cash stands with his arms folded. He glances offhandedly at his metal hook. "What makes Croc so deadly is that he's more animal than man. He only sees people as one thing: food. He's the only inmate at Arkham Asylum that has more security than the Joker, that's how dangerous he is.

Otacon stands to defend Solid Snake. "Yes, Croc has got brawn in this match, but Snake has brains. In my experience, smart always beats tough." The brilliant scientist is one of the few people who are close to Solid Snake. "Snake would never allow himself to be somebody's dinner."

Sniper Wolf shares her story. "Understand I am not just on this show for financial reasons. It is also deeply personal." From behind the camera, the camera operator asks Sniper Wolf what she means. "Two years ago I performed some work in Gotham City." As she speaks, her throat tightens and voice seems to waver by just one octave.

Putting up a stiff upper lip, Sniper Wolf goes on. "I had a wolf named Berthold with me. He wasn't a pet; he was a companion and a friend. And Croc . . ." her voice cracks, "Croc ate Bertie."

Something very strange happens. Sniper Wolf's body starts to shake and she covers her face with her hand. A woman who has murdered over two hundred men and women on various missions around the globe is crying. It's truly pathetic. Luckily Geoff shows up and shuts down the camera man before they can capture more footage of Sniper Wolf losing it.

Announcer: _With Sniper Wolf's crying fit done; it's time to test our long range weapons, The Tommy Gun and the PSG-1 Sniper Rifle. _

In front of the camera, Sniper Wolf hefts up said weapon. Cleavage showing and face free of tears; the buxom Kurdish babe is the picture of sexy death. Watch out, James Bond, this one will bite your dick off and eat it.

To test the ability of the Sniper rifle, we truly have to take this outside to a classified piece of land normally used for army drills and bomb testing. As the crew drives out, we can see the _Mythbusters_ carrying out their own brand of demolitions work.

Inside one of the jeeps, Geoff stands up and shouts to the duo. "YO! JAMIE AND ADAM!" Geoff proudly shows off his _Mythbusters_ t-shirt. Adam and Jamie wave back right before their bomb goes off.

As Geoff sits back down, Sniper Wolf speaks to him. "I see that there is another out there who also enjoys the antics of the _Mythbusters_." She smiles slightly at Geoff and the two start to strike up a conversation.

Cut to the firing spot. Sniper Wolf has her gun ready. Some hundreds of yards behind her are a series of dummies. Some of the dummies are partially hidden by cover and others are not. Some are mounted on mobile platforms while others are stationary. It's the perfect spot to test a sniper's power.

Announcer: _Capable of being fed from a five or twenty round box magazine and firing the revered 7.62x51mm NATO cartridge, the PSG-1 is a force to be reckoned with. _

_This weapon has been used by Solid Snake in the past to rain havoc upon his enemies._

Battle footage is shown of Solid Snake facing down a platoon of the infamous Beauty and Beast Brigade. With nerves of cold steel, the legendary soldier destroys one by one the psychic and heavily armed troops.

Sniper Wolf is ready to show why she got her nickname. Geoff holds his trusty stopwatch. "Ready, Wolf?" She calls out a Kurdish affirmative word.

"Okay! 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . FIRE!"

The motorized targets start scooting and the match is on. She brings up the heavy rifle as if it were made of plastic. The first shot strikes a dummy between the eyes; fake blood gushes from the wound. A moving dummy suffers the same fate. A dummy hiding partially behind a metal wall finds that is no safety from the eagle eye of Sniper Wolf.

The gun sends off a thunderous retort as the dummies are taken down to China town. When they've all taken a bullet to the head, Wolf moves on to taking heart shots.

The final bullet just misses and flies for a few more miles. The _Mythbusters_ are setting up their pet crash test dummy, Buster. Adam and Jamie are discussing the particulars of their latest myth when buster takes a bullet between the eyes, causing the two men to hit the deck.

Adam and Jamie's swears are edited out but Buster seems sadly resigned to his life as a crash test dummy.

Announcer: _The damage is devastating, but the members of team Croc have their own high velocity answer to the PSG-1._

Otacon eyes the Tommy gun that Cash carries with something akin to amusement. "A Tommy gun; I don't think you guys know this but we're not shooting a gangster movie."

Cash scoffs at Otacon; the scientist's attempts at riling only serve to amuse him. "Laugh it up little man. We'll wipe that smile off your face with this baby."

Announcer: _The Thompson submachine gun, originally used by cops and gangsters of the prohibition era, this weapon is still extremely common among both the criminals of Gotham and by the staff of Blackgate Prison and Arkham Asylum. _

Nightwing elaborates about the gun. "In Gotham they like to use an older model of the gun that fires eight hundred bullets per minute. While it doesn't have a lot of penetrating power, its stopping power is enormous."

Announcer: _Sniper Wolf and Otacon are sceptical._

Sniper Wolf shakes her head. "The Tommy Gun has hardly the range of a Sniper rifle. But what can we expect of the criminal scum of Gotham."

Nightwing laughs. "Yeah, it doesn't have the range, but we've got a little equalizer."

The scene flashes forward. Nightwing and Cash are sitting in a pink convertible. Otacon glances over at the flashy vehicle. Now he understands. "A drive by shooting; very GTA."

Max Geiger gives Otacon a high five for video game reference. Geoff just shakes his head at the two geeks.

At the same distance as Sniper Wolf, new dummies have been set. This time the set has been made to look like a bank in Gotham's wealthy uptown district. Nightwing takes the driver's seat and Cash takes the role of shooter.

Both Otacon and Max have their doubts about a man with a hook being able to fire a gun accurately.

Geoff gets the countdown started. "Okay, when I say 'go' you guys floor it towards the targets and fire." He gets his stopwatch all ready to go. "Ready in 3—

The moment he says "three" Nightwing just books it, spinning tires throw up dirt and dust. Geoff just looks stunned and hits the switch to start the countdown.

The pink Cadillac flies along the bumpy terrain. As soon as the car gets within range, the gun starts speaking. Despite the handicap of bumpy terrain and a missing hand, Cash's aim is true. On the first pass, the mobile dummies are peppered with holes.

Nightwing spins the wheel and the car swerves around. Cash fires the remainder of the fifty round drum into the hidden targets.

Rapidly, the main crew approach the carnage. Otacon has overcome his initial scepticism of the Tommy Gun. "I've seen a lot of things in my time but that is just amazing."

Dorian inspects the mobile dummies. "Okay, three dummies on the move and they're all dead." He inspects each dummy in depth. "This guy is dead; he took five bullets in and around the heart."

"This guy is also dead, just not instantly. He's got three bullets to the stomach and in about an hour without medical care he's dead. Until then he's in crippling pain."

"The last guy got a jaw shot, one to the trachea and four in his right shoulder. This guy's not going anywhere."

Now they must inspect the partially covered targets. One dummy behind a steel wall has been gravely injured by shrapnel where the bullets hit. Dorian elaborates. "The shrapnel damage is bad but not fatal. He'll need stitches. The other two guys are unharmed except for one bullet to the arm."

Geoff gives the rundown for the testing. "Okay, the Tommy Gun; I love it and it's deadly but it's no match for the power and accuracy of the PSG-1."

Edge: PSG-1

Announcer: _Back at the fight club, testing is reaching its final leg and tempers are running high. _

Sniper Wolf and Otacon face down Nightwing and Aaron Cash. They stand on opposite sides of a weapons table. "I don't care how good you think Solid Snake is, the only guy I'd trust to fight that animal is Batman," says Cash.

Otacon scoffs. "Trust me, I can't tell you because it's classified but Snake has tangled with people deadlier than Killer Croc. Snake is going to take himself home a new pair of croc skin boots." He smugly crosses his arms.

To demonstrate how crazy Croc is, Cash brings in sound footage from Arkham Asylum interviews with Croc. Cash hits the play button.

_Dr. Westler: What happened back in that house?_

_Croc: Just business. _

_Dr. Westler: What kind of business practices result in a house full of mutilated corpses._

_Croc: I don't like having my time wasted. Somebody doesn't pay me, they need a lesson. They owed me._

_Dr. Westler: So you killed them. Tore up their bodies. The police never found all the pieces._

_Croc: They should have looked in the sewers_

_Dr. Westler: Are you saying that you hid the bodies in the sewers?_

_Croc: After a while. It usually takes about eight or nine hours. [Croc laughs]_

_Dr. Westler: Oh my god. _

Everybody looks with shock at the video recording, except for Sniper Wolf. She just gives Geoff a subtle look which he returns.

Max is still trying to process what he heard. "Did that guy just make a poop joke?"

Announcer: _Now Team Snake comes with their special weapon, the stinger missile. _

Sniper Wolf hefts the large weapon in the testing field. Some hundreds of yards away is a target designed to simulate a prison room in Arkham Asylum. Three dummies stand inside the cheap concrete and steel structure while three stand outside.

Geoff gives Sniper Wolf the run down. "You're going to shoot that building in an effort to see how much damage we can do."

Wolf smiles impishly. "I think that can be arranged, _Geoff_." Temporarily, Geoff's heart rate spikes and you don't need a heart monitor to see it.

Behind the safety glass, Max is working with Otacon to improve the software for the sensors and for the upcoming simulation. Inside the target, Dorian finishes placing pressure sensors on the chests of various dummies. These will test to see if the dummies were wounded or killed by the shockwave.

Soon, Dorian clears the target and it's time to begin. Sniper Wolf has a finger over the trigger mechanism of the stinger missile. Geoff calls to Sniper Wolf. "Ready, baby?" The sexy Kurdish killer nods. "Okay then . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . FIRE!"

It's like poetry in motion. Wolf squeezes the trigger and the missile flies forward by the secondary propulsion mechanism. Then as soon as it's gained some distance, the main rocket motor fires and the stinger missile arcs towards the target with a bang. A concussive boom shocks the barren environment and shards of concrete are sent flying everywhere in a deadly shrapnel hail.

Soon, the experts are there to bask in the glory of the carnage. An inspection of the pressure sensors quickly reveals some interesting news. "The two guys standing outside the blast zone are dead from the shockwave. The third guy out is in some serious pain," says Geoff.

Dorian inspects the dummies inside the enclosure. "These two dummies were just riddled with cement shrapnel. It's unreal how much damage has been done." The dummies leak blood like crazy. "The third guy was crushed by a falling iron wall. The pressure sensor on these dummies reads that they're alive but disoriented. But that doesn't matter since they're all dead by shrapnel and crushing."

Announcer: _Thus Team Croc rolls out their special weapon._

Nightwing sets down something that looks like a large plastic box. "This is a Lexcorp model X-48-W explosive device. Cheap to make, these things have become a favourite of terrorist and criminals because they're dirt cheap, powerful and nearly undetectable."

Cash continues the explanation. "They're easy to use; a trained monkey can use one of these. Three years ago, Croc was working for the Joker and he used one of these to blow open a bank vault. The explosion killed half the people at the bank while the Joker finished off the rest."

Otacon just looks at the yellow box unimpressed. "Uh guys, it's a box."

Cash just pats Otacon on the back. "Sure it is, boy. Sure it is."

This box is rigged by Nightwing. The goal is to destroy a recreated bank vault door. The reconstruction is every bit as rugged and strong as the vault at the Gotham Main Bank.

With the bomb set, Nightwing has the detonator on hand and now it's his turn to say the countdown. "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying Bat Clan Air. In case of a bomb the exits are everywhere. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . AND KABLOOEY!"

It's not a very fiery explosion but it's the most powerful explosion that's been seen on the show so far. There is very little fire but the shockwave can be felt from far away. Against this kind of punch, the giant steel door hasn't got a chance.

High speed camera footage is telling. "Oh my God," says Max, "It blew a six ton door at least forty feet away." On Max's computer screen we can just make out the big door crumpling like a tin can through the smoke and dust.

In person, the results of the Lexcorp explosive device are mind blowing. A door that weighted six tons and was three feet thick now has a giant hole in it large enough for a man to climb through.

Otacon makes a comment. "They use these to blow open bank vaults? This thing would blow up the whole bank unless it has some kind of explosion variable setting."

Nightwing pats the scientist on the back, "And luckily, these things just happen to have that exact feature.

Announcer: _With testing completed, Otacon and Max get to work on refining and analyzing the data. The key players give their final commentary. _

Nightwing goes first. With is sleek Kevlar suit and domino mask he's the picture of cool. Paul Newman at his coolest couldn't match how Nightwing looks right now. "If they ever meet in real life, I want Solid Snake to beat Croc, I really do. It's just that when people try to kill Croc they think they're just in for a regular hunt. Croc may be dumb but he's smarter than any animal and he's hell-bent on surviving to see his next meal: you."

Sniper Wolf goes next. She's sitting atop a steel table with her weapon of voice placed across her lap. For some reason, her hair is slightly askew and her cleavage is showing just a little bit more than the last time. It looks like she's made out with somebody. "Animals like killer Croc are common on the battlefield; berserk animals with neither honour nor integrity. They kill without hesitation or fear. Against the common foot soldier they are devastating; but soldiers like Snake and I are trained to have no fear. We are trained to have no fear, to endure suffering and inflict it as well." Briefly she pops a magazine into her sniper rifle and snaps it into place. "Men like Croc fight with no regard for their safety, neither do we. Snake will bag new prey for himself."

Aaron Cash crosses his arms. "Speaking as someone who's been on the receiving end of Croc's fury, I know what he's capable of. Maybe if Solid Snake had ten of his buddies with him, then he'd win this fight."

Otacon looks pleased with himself. "I could stand here and speak my case like a sucker but I've got footage from patient tape interviews. This one will do the job at arguing my case for me."

With flourish, Otacon hits the play button on the speaker.

_Joker: So who wants to go next?_

_Croc: [Pounds his fist] Me!_

_Poison Ivy: Go ahead, Croc_

_Croc: There I was holed up in this quarry when the bat started hog nosing around. He got closer and closer and then—_

_Penguin: Yes?_

_Croc: I threw a rock at him! [Silence passes for a few seconds] It was a big rock_

Cut to Dorian standing with Cash. "I know that Croc's diet is mostly raw meat which is very tough to digest. How does he get his vitamins and such?"

Cash shrugs. "When he's free Croc likes to eat a lot of human livers; plenty of vitamins in those."

Dorian winces but his curiosity is still strong. "How does he get his fibre?"

"Croc likes this cheap maple walnut cereal. When he doesn't get he gets violent—er."

The next camera shot is one of Sniper Wolf and Geoff making out like the world is about to end. The biomedical engineer leads a dance of tongues with the foxy Kurdish soldier. They grip on each other with strength far above that of the average pair of lovers.

Suddenly they become aware that they're being filmed and Sniper Wolf lands a punch on the camera lens. The whole screen becomes filled with static.

Announcer: _Soon the simulation will began and the fight will start, no rules, no safety and no mercy. Let the deadliest warriors fight!_

_Commence Fight:_

Solid Snake runs through the sewers of Gotham City. The city has been struck by a terrorist attack worse than any attack by the so called super villains.

Terrorists calling themselves the Guns of the Patriots had launched an electromagnetic pulse bomb in the heart of Gotham. Three hundred people had been killed in the initial explosion but the real casualty was electronics. Every electronic device in Gotham was now non-functioning and the city was in chaos.

Snake's objective is the new Metal Gear built by Wayne enterprises. A Metal Gear is a large legged machine designed to launch nuclear warheads. This new Metal Gear is different because it is entirely non-lethal. The machine is designed to destroy other Metal Gears and shoot down nuclear missiles without loss of human life.

Metal Gear Wayne is hidden in a vault deep beneath Wayne Tower, shielding it from the EMP blast. It's Snake's job to get to that Metal Gear before it's stolen by Lex Luthor's mercenaries, by the Guns of the Patriots and the Joker. All of these groups want their hands on that Metal Gear and Snake needs to hurry. The sewers offer the most direct route to the Metal Gear Wayne.

Snake suddenly reaches a heavy steel door. Snake grabs at the opening mechanism but finds that it is rusted shut. Out of curiosity, he looks through a glass porthole in the door. All of the sudden, a giant monster shoots from the shadows on the other side of the door.

Howling like a demon, the monster on the other side of the door throws a punch at the porthole. A giant scaly fist smashes through the porthole made of three inches of

Jumping back, Snake pulls out his SOCCOM pistol and fires three bullets through the glass. Seconds pass and the silence is deafening. Snake isn't sure if his shots killed the monster behind the door.

Suddenly he can hear it; a deep inhaling noise. It dawns on him; the beast is sniffing the air. After a few more sniffs, a chilling, rasping voice issues from the darkness. "_I've got your scent," _it warns.

Snake can hear a bit of splashing and then silence. The sewers are more direct but this is Gotham; there are no safe places.

Gun drawn, Snake takes an alternate route. The lighting is bad in these sewers, one of every three lights are working and those that work are on their last legs. It's like a modern day version of Paris's catacombs. These watery tunnels are nothing but massive graves where human remains lie buried in mud and shit. In the darkness, homeless people knife each other over a scrap of bread or a single cigarette. Graffiti of the most obscene order marks the chronicles of the denizens of this underground hell.

As Snake runs, he can hear something. Periodically he can hear the sound of water being disturbed and he can hear that deep sniffing. He's not being chased; he's being hunted. Quickly, his path takes him across deep water which can only be crossed by a series of old floating platforms.

The sniffing stops but Snake is still on high alert. Here the lighting is worse and the sound of dripping is oppressive. The air is so cold and muggy that you might feel that you could suffocate.

Suddenly, Snake stumbles on a man who's walking on water and it's not Jesus Christ. It's Vamp, the Romanian knife expert. The pale, shirtless man looks right at home in this crypt like environment. Vamp doesn't even move when Snake shoots him in the head.

To Snake's surprise, Vamp shrugs off the round to the brain and the wound instantly heals. The other man grins vampishly. "I have been given a gift, my friend. Now, I am afraid that I've been sent to stop you. It's a pity you have to die."

Snake isn't worried about fighting an enemy that's immune to bullets and can walk on water; it's all part of his job. But as Vamp got ready to throw some sharp, shiny steel, Snake saw something move in the murky water.

Exploding with the speed of a crocodile, two massive arms as thick as some people's entire bodies shoot from the water and sharp claws dig into Vamp's flesh. Stunned and shocked Vamp stabs at one of those scaly hands before he is dragged into the water with a splash.

Reigning in his panic, Snake takes his pistol and fires into the murky water. The bullets penetrate the water but no blood stains that stygian black.

Snake realizes that his gun is empty. Suddenly, the wooden platform that he stands on begins to shake and it isn't long before the super spy is sprinting like lighting to the next platform.

Not a moment too soon, because as soon as Snake's feet leave the rotted wood that it splinters into a million pieces. As Snake runs, each platform behind him is shattered by his underwater attacker.

At the final platform, Snake takes a flying leap and onto solid ground. With lightning speed far above the reflexes of an average human, the magazine in his gun in ejected and a fresh one popped in. If that monster so much as set foot in front of Snake, it'll find its brain full of .45 calibre slugs.

Snake waits patiently but there is no sign of the monster. Hopefully it will eat Vamp and then take a long nap. He's late as it is and Solid Snake can afford no more distractions.

The smell is killing him; it's only gotten worse since he got here. He has no idea how the crocodile man can stand it down here. In one of the well lit spots, Snake spots an object; it is Vamp's head.

Killer Croc dragged Vamp into the water and ripped off his head before dumping it here. There is no sign of the rest of Vamp's body.

As Snake gets closer to the grisly item, Vamp's eyes fly open. Agony is etched across his features, tempered by great weakness. The nano-machines that give him his incredible abilities are keeping him alive but only just. The pain he's experiencing must be incredible. Slowly he opens his mouth in a kind of noiseless scream. Pleadingly, Vamp mouths for Snakes to help him.

Snake is not so accommodating. "There is no way I'm helping a living head. Go join a sideshow." He then kicks the head into the shadows. Let the bastard rot.

No sooner does the head disappear then Killer Croc makes his entrance. The grotesque man smashes through a flimsy brick wall, roaring like an animal possessed. Croc tosses a manhole cover at Solid Snake. It whizzes through the dust raised by Croc's explosive entrance.

Snake nimble avoids what could have been a bone shattering, organ splattering blow, but in the process the flying metal disc knocks his pistol out of his hand.

Looming out of the murk like a rampaging elephant, Croc runs at Snake while swinging a ten pound sledge hammer. Swinging the heavy weapon, he demolishes a thick metal pipe that would have taken Solid Snake hours to demolish.

The ruptured pipe spews steam as Croc raises his weapon for the kill. Snake rolls out of the way as the sledge hammer hits where he was with enough force to shake the poorly built ceiling.

Arm thrusting out with blurred quickness, Snake slashes at Croc with the CQC knife. The blade draws blood from Croc but the cannibal's thick hide partially negates the damage. Anyway, all that small leg wound does is infuriating Croc.

Snake's life is saved by the lightweight body armour he wears. Croc's tosses a punch at Solid Snake that sends him flying back thirty feet. The landing is painful and without his special ops training, Snake would be incapacitated.

Croc charges again and Snake realizes that the knife is going to be useless against a brute like that armed with a sledge hammer. Snake does something insane, he charges at Croc. Like an acrobat, Snake jumps into the air and lands on Croc's back.

Wrestling an actual crocodile would be easier than this and Snake hangs on with all he has while at the same time avoiding those sharp claws.

Suddenly Snake is thrown off the creature's back, but now he has enough time to get to his Sniper rifle. The weapon isn't designed for the close quarter's action of the sewers but it will have to do.

Croc's yellow eyes narrow and his ears perk at the metallic click of a weapon cocked. He may be an animal but he's an animal who knows to avoid bullets. Defiant of his size, Croc charges for cover as Solid Snake opens fire.

The sniper bullets rip through a metal bulkhead and give Croc a wound but the bestial man keeps running. And just like that, Croc has vanished into the maze of the sewers.

Snake is once more just left alone. A thin stream of smoke comes off of his sniper rifle. The stench of the sewer is mixed with burnt gunpowder.

Croc shoots out from cover and this time he's armed. In either hand is a Tommy Gun, looking absurdly small in his big mitt. Croc doesn't even bother to aim; he just empties two of the fifty round drums into the general area where Snake is.

Hot lead flies at the spec ops agent. In order to dodge the unstoppable spray of firepower, Snake is forced to drop his stinger missile. No matter how much body armour he's wearing, Snake won't survive getting hit.

The muzzle flare from the machine guns glistens off of Croc's long fangs.

Suddenly, Solid Snake does something that only he is capable of doing. He takes his Sniper rifle and fires a bullet right up one of the barrels of Killer Croc's Tommy Guns.

Croc howls in pain as his Tommy Gun explodes in his hand. He continues to fire at Snake but the prey fires a bullet that destroys the ammo drum and makes his other gun useless.

With his sniper rifle, Solid Snake draws a bead right between Croc's eyes. For a split second, he looks into Killer Croc's inhuman yellow eyes. For the span of a millisecond, both warriors can see into one another's eyes and into the other man's soul. There is Snake, a man who has chilled his soul to subzero temperatures to stunt the growth of any emotion or feeling that would interfere with the job. And then there is Croc, a man who for his whole life has experience constant pain and torment until finally it transformed him from a bad man into an outright monster.

Snake's finger tightens on the trigger and the bullet flies free, but Croc has already jumped out of the way; he can feel the hot wind off the heavy slug. Staying low to the ground, Croc charges at Snake and barrels into the other man; the impact shatters Snake's sniper rifle.

Solid Snake writhes in the grip of Killer Croc. Croc tries to get a good grip on Snake but it's like grabbing sand, the harder you try the harder it gets. This isn't easy for Snake because Croc used to be a wrestler of some skill.

Snake's entire field of view is filled with Croc's hungry maw. That stinking breath reeks of ketosis and rotten flesh. That spine chilling rasping voice issues again. "_Tick-tock, feed the croc!"_ Croc lunges with his fangs at Snake's neck—

—only to be stopped by a blow to the throat from Snake. Croc gasps and sputters, reaching for his bruised throat and allowing Snake the clearance he needs to escape.

Breathing heavily, Snake spots the stinger missile. Against Killer Croc, such a weapon would be overkill, but being unable to get his pistol, it's the only choice.

As Croc regains his breath, he sees Snake run. That's not a good thing. In Killer Croc's mind, only one thing runs: food. Getting up and ignoring the pain in his throat, the scaly skinned man charged his considerable bulk at Snake. Rage fills his damaged mind.

Snake's objective is so close, but so is Killer Croc. Ducking down, Snake causes Killer Croc to trip over him.

Croc bellows as he stumbles over Snake, arms wind milling over his head and slamming face first into a concrete wall. Croc was tough as nails but he still felt pain. Head swimming, he spat out a tooth that got knocked free. Then he remembered what happened and he ground his jaws in fury.

Reaching down, Croc grabs the stinger missile and aims it at the still disoriented Snake. The missile missed Snake because Croc had no skill with the weapon and only mediocre aim with guns in general.

The missile hit a wall and behind that wall was a Lexcorp explosive device. The compound explosion ripped through everything and for Solid Snake everything blacked out.

Snake comes too quickly. He's half hanging over a ledge. Below him is what looks like a bottomless drop into one of Gotham's many abandoned cisterns. Groaning in pain, Snake shoved rubble off of himself.

That was a powerful explosion and he's not surprised that it blew a hole in the street above. Sunlight streams through; going through the sewers will no longer be an option because all the tunnels are blocked off.

A bit of luck manifests; Snake has found his SOCCOM pistol. The gun feels good in his hand even though a few of his fingers are broken. His trigger finger is okay.

A bit of bad luck also manifests. Killer Croc explodes out of the rubble and bites down on Snake's shoulder. Blood streaks down through the torn suit of Snakes.

Desperately trying to get the teeth out of his body, Snake lunges forward but this action sends him over the edge. Wordlessly, Snake goes over the edge.

Nostrils flaring, Croc seems startled that his prey got away. Uneasily, he looks over the edge.

And just like that, two legs shoot from the abyss and wrap themselves around Croc's neck. Caught off guard, Croc is caught off balance. With is strength he could easily pry Solid Snake's legs off his neck, but he can't do that and keep his balance at the same time.

Screams of anger mixing with terror, Snake pulls Croc off the ledge and into the bottomless cistern. Croc screams until eventually his voice just fades away into the bottomless dark. If this is like any other of Gotham's abandoned cisterns, it'll be dry and Croc will face a deadly landing.

Solid Snake hangs from an out thrusting piece of rebar by one hand; his gun in the other. Killer Croc is dead, beaten by Solid Snake. Before pulling himself up, Snake screams in victory.

_Solid Snake vs Killer Croc_

_**SOLID SNAKE WINS**__! _

Announcer: _Snake defeated Croc by a staggering 720 kills to 280. _

Max Geiger sits in front of the camera. "I just want to say this : SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS! SNAKE WINS!" He gasps for air. "Okay I'm good."

Dorian Armand gives his two cents. "Croc is stronger but Snake has better weapons, that's why he won. And Solid Snake has a healthier diet than Croc."

Aaron Cash stands next to Nightwing. Cash speaks for his team. "Okay, so Snake won. Good for him, but in real life he'd better be prepared."

Otacon lounges near a computer console. "Croc's physical power is devestating, he's like a lion in the jungle, but Solid Snake is the big game hunter and the hunter has bagged his prize."

The camera cuts and Geoff is standing in front of Siper Wolf and he looks like he's going to cry. "Please, don't go. You can stay with me."

Sniper Wolf shakes her head sadly. "Geoff, you are a fine man but you know so little about me. What you see is a tempting woman, but underneath it all I am a monster. I have killed so many."

Geoff pleads with all his heart. "Please, I won't be able to leave without you."

Wolf turns around slowly. "Geoff, at first it will hurt, but eventually it will be like I never existed. And with much stealth, Sniper Wolf is gone.

Geoff collapses as if his heart has been ripped out and Dorain and Max have to hold him up.

Meanwhile, Solid Snake contacted his commanding officer.

_Aux_

_**Call**_

_Push select_

_Snake: Colonel, I was on the show Deadliest Warrior tonight._

_Colonel Roy Campbell: Snake, you mother fucker!_

_Snake: What?_

_Campbell: I know you've been taking my car for joyrides. You put the engine in neutral and revved it for hours before taking it out._

_Snake: How did you know?_

_Campbell: I took my car to a mechanic. You lied when you said that the problem was with the tires._

_Snake: Well, it can't be too bad._

_Campbell: The mechanic says that I'm lucky the engine didn't explode!_

_Snake: So what now, Colonel?_

_Campbell: Your ass is mine. _

Elsewhere in Gotham City, Killer Croc was watching the last minutes of _Deadliest Warrior_ on his seventeen inch tv while eating a huge punch bowl of maple-walnut cereal. "_Hurr,_" he growled, "_I look good_."

His good mood was shattered when he saw that he lost this episode. In a fit of rage he stood up and tried to roar. His roar was cut off and ended in a whimper of pain as his hands went to his neck _"RAAAA—oh, ow_!". Last time, Batman had beaten Croc by running him over in his car, doing a real number on old Waylon Jones. The next time that Croc met with Batman, he vowed that he was going to take the Joker and shove him up Batman's ass.

Suddenly, Croc accidently knocked over his cereal and smashed the whole thing on the cobblestone floor with the tinkle of shattered glass. Croc roared in fury and smashed his TV like a pop can. Then he moaned in frustration _"Aw, crap_." Now he had no cereal and no TV. He badly wanted to watch _Cops_ later on.

* * *

The End

I hope you've enjoyed that one. I know that I certainly did. I'd like to thank all of my faithful reviewers for telling me what you think. And don't forget that requests will be considered and taken. Next episode will be Alucard of Hellsing versus Dante of Dante's Inferno followed by Snake Plishkin versus Rambo. Take your bets now because the party is just getting started. :)

Ta

Master of the Boot


	3. Alucard vs Dante Alighieri

Deadliest Warrior: Dante Vs Alucard

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Deadliest Warrior, Dante's Inferno the Game or Hellsing. Those awesome things are owned by other people

* * *

Announcer: _Alucard, the indestructible super vampire of the Hellsing Organization. _

_Cut to Alucard. He is a freakish figure, seven feet tall with abnormally long limbs and large hands. The comical look of his massive red coat and floppy hat are offset by the murderous grin on his face. Red pentagrams glow on his white gloves. _

Announcer: _As the trump card of the fabled Hellsing vampire hunting organization, it is his job to search and destroy rogue vampires!_

Alucard is shown firing a massive pistol while cackling maniacally. A cornered vampire hits the back wall of an alleyway; Alucard's shadow spreads over the vampire. Cut to Alucard grinning at his prey, "Bad news." There is a scream and the scene cuts.

Announcer: _But Alucard will face stiff competition. _

The scene cuts to the logo of the show _Hellsing_ when suddenly it is slashed apart by a bladed weapon. The logo falls apart to reveal our other competitor today.

Announcer: _Presenting Dante, crusader and demon slayer extraordinaire. _

Dante is a young Italian man in the prime of his life. His skin is marked with battle scars and his naked chest has a large cloth cross stitched to it that acts as a chronicle of his sins. Dante's head is protected by a mail cuirass as well as a metal crown designed to simulate Christ's crown of thorns.

Announcer: _A former crusader, Dante committed unspeakable sins before being exiled to hell where he slashed, burned and hacked his way to find his beloved Beatrice. _

A giant cliff leads off into the fiery pits of hell. The devil laughs as he takes Beatrice's soul across the chasm. Dante screams the name of his wife. Fearlessly, Dante jumps off of the cliff and into hell's fires.

Announcer: _Our team of fight doctors, biomedical experts and computer wizards are assembling to answer the big question. _

Max Geiger, team computer expert appears before the camera. "I'm going to have to go with Dante on this one. Alucard always says that only a man can defeat the monster and if there is a true man out there, it's Dante."

Geoff Demoulin wears an "_I love Hellsing_" t-shirt. It's obvious which side he supports. "Alucard all the way guys. He's indestructible. He got blown up by a rocket launcher and five grenades and he came back from that in like five seconds."

Fight Doctor Armand Dorian is confused. "Who the hell are these guys? My computer had a virus so I missed the e-mail." The camera man tries to make an explanation of who the combatants are but he fails. Dorian's features strain with confusion. "I don't know who these guys are except that they're guys who apparently have the fashion sense of blind men."

The screen flashes with an image of Alucard and Dante side by side.

Announcer: _While one is a vampire and one is a crusader, these two adversaries are more alike than they are different. _

_Unyielding gluttony_

Dante sits in a fortress in Jerusalem. He gorges himself on fine food while in the city outside hundreds of refugees helplessly watch one another starve to death. Alucard sits in a room filled with the drained corpses of forty vampires. He's up to his knees in blood and he's gleefully drinking it as he wallows in it.

_Unrestricted lust_

Alucard stands in the ruins of a vampire stronghold. The vampires are dead but he rapes their human slaves, body pumping like a tireless piston. He drools as he fucks. Dante lies in bed with a dozen whores; he's tireless, an animal. One of the whores is dead, her head smashed against a wall.

_Merciless killing_

Dante runs through the streets of Jerusalem. With sword flashing, he cuts down anything that gets in his way, men, women, children and old people. Joyful fury fills his face as it's splattered with blood. Alucard rampages through a hotel in Rio. Grinning like a lunatic he butchers Rio's special police squad. To him, it's all good fun.

_Unchallanged victory!_

Alucard battles with Alexander Anderson, who is now half thorn bush. Alucard thrusts a hand through Anderson's chest and rips out his heart; killing his adversary. Dante stands over the Grim Reaper. The personification of Death begs for mercy but Dante slices his head in half with his own scythe, killing death.

_Now the question will now be decided_

_Who_

_Is _

_**Deadliest!**_

Dante Stats:

Height: 5'9''

Armour: head cuirass, metal thorn crown, armoured gloves, shin guards, shoulder guards

Weapons: Death's Scythe, Beatrice's Cross, Halberd, The Bow of Heracles.

Alucard stats:

Height: 7'

Apparel: Riding coat, duster, fedora

Weapons: Jackal, Casull, Tommy gun, Bastard Sword

Announcer: _Each fighter will be represented by a two man team of experts handpicked for this event. Representing Alucard are Seras Victoria and Walter C. Dornez of the Hellsing Organization of Protestant Knights. _

Seras and Walter are a lively pair. Walter is a sixty year old butler with a black ponytail and a monocle. He uses his monofilament wires to slice enemies to bits. Seras Victoria is a vampire, Alucard's fledgling. She is a short blond with wide hips and big boobs who is forced against her will to wear a skanky military uniform with miniskirt.

_Representing Dante we have the ghost of the poet Virgil and the ghost of Antonio, a crusader who personally fought alongside Dante. _

Virgil is a man in an ancient Roman style of clothing, complete with wooden staff and a crown of laurels. Antonio is clad in the armour he died in; he stands flat on the ground while Virgil chooses to hover.

Both sides are dressed extremely outlandishly, no matter how you slice it. Max Geiger is as excited as hell to have such special guests. "Guys," he squeals with fan boy delight. "We've got a butler, a vampire and two ghosts on the show that have returned from hell. I have to take a picture of this." Out comes the old camera phone.

With each faction introduced, it's time for testing to begin. To start off we're going with the short ranged weapons.

Team Dante goes first. Carrying in his ectoplasm hands, Antonio carries a very real halberd with him. The large weapon is essentially an axe-spear hybrid which once saw action on the Pirate vs. Knight Episode.

Seras Victoria whistles at the sight of the mean looking blade. "Oi, look at that can opener. Try to keep that away from me." Her British accent stands out as plain as the nose on her face. Walter just stands back and smirks. He's what happens to English hooligans when they grown up.

Geoff Desmoulin grins at the Halberd. "Oh yeah, we had some fun times with this baby." Cut to images of the halberd demolishing a ballistics gel dummy.

Virgil speaks, his voice refined. "Yes, the halberd. It is a good close quarter weapon. Its length provides you with a bit of reach and it's heavy enough to smash most armour. With the spike on the back, you may penetrate thick defences to get the soft target underneath."

Walter scoffs at what he perceives to be a puny weapon. "Please, that medieval contraption wouldn't slow Alucard down, even if you could hit him with it."

Virgil slowly raises an eyebrow at Walter but otherwise doesn't seem to notice the elderly butler.

With the halberd in hand, Antonio stands in front of the three hosts of the show. Behind the three men is a cloth curtain. Max takes first turn. "Okay, since we've already tested the halberd in the past we had to devise a new test for it."

Armand takes up the slack when Max is done. "We know that it's deadly but now we want to see just how deadly it can be in the hands of a skilled user."

Geoff finishes for the group. "So without further delay, we bring you _Chop-a-dummy!_"

The curtain goes down to reveal a short but extremely wide wooden box. Suddenly, gel torsos start to pop up and down like the classic game _whack-a-mole_.

Antonio nods approvingly at the elaborate display.

Geoff explains to him. "It's simple, Antonio; we start the clock and you start chopping."

Max for once is in charge of the stop watch. "Ready in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ATTACK!"

Fairground music starts to play at the _Chop-a-dummy_ is fired into action. The dummies pop up randomly with no discernable pattern. Antonio takes a swing—and gets only a glancing blow. Raising the heavy weapon, he doesn't have to wait long for another target. This one isn't as lucky and loses its head.

Seras cheers for Antonio but is quickly silenced by Walter, who wordlessly puts a hand on her shoulder and gives her a mean glare.

Antonio heaves the weapon and drives a dummy through the eye with the armour piercing spike. Another thrust gets a dummy in the cheek.

One dummy starts to descend as Antonio strikes it, causing the blade to hit the shoulder instead of the head.

In short order, the nine gel dummies are decimated and the machine is shut down. Armand Dorian inspects the damage. "This is the first guy you hit. It was a glancing blow but even so, you managed to sever the carotid artery. These two guys had their skulls split open; I've only seen this before in anime."

Antonio smirks but Virgil is a little more reserved in his enjoyment.

Armand continues. "These next three guys are questionable kills. They're severely wounded and their skulls have suffered severe cuts, but these may take hours to kill. So they're incapacitated.

The last three dummies don't need an expert. "These guys are missing their heads. What do you want me to say?"

Geoff puts a finger on one of the severed necks. "Wow, check out how clean that cut is."

Antonio is pleased with the host. "Thank you, I made special work to sharper the blade beyond its normal level."

Seras Victoria speaks out. "That was a smashing display, but just wait until you've seen this." Proudly, she holds up a massive handgun. "The Jackal Anti-Freak combat pistol, designed to take out vampires, werewolves, leprechauns, elephants, rhinos and small tanks."

The gun is giant. It's just over two feet long and made of black gunmetal. In total, the gun weights a whopping nineteen kilograms. Walter grins at the hosts. "Get your machine ready, my friends. Miss Victoria has some work to do."

Soon the dummy popping machine is filled with fresh dummies and is ready to run. This time the machine is placed outside in the desert gun testing area. Seras stands fifteen metres before the targets with protective goggles and a free Deadliest Warrior baseball cap. It suits her

Geoff has his handy stop watch on the go. The high speed cameras are all fired up and there's nothing to do except shout, "GO!"

Immediately, carnival music starts up again. The first dummy that comes up has its head blown off. The retort of the gun is so loud that the team behind the safety glass jumps. One by one, the dummies just keep having their heads blown off. Seras wields the mammoth pistol like it's made of air. While she fires, she sings along to the song _Iron Man_ by Ozzie Osborne.

By the time Seras gets to "Can he walk at all, or if he moves will he fall?" when the gun runs out. The bullets are very large; therefore the gun can only manage a six round clip. With vampire speed, Seras Victoria takes as much time reloading as some humans do pulling the trigger. A few beats of Black Sabbath later and all the dummies are headless. The guys are stunned by it.

Max, Geoff and Armand walk to the headless dummies while Virgil and Antonio drift behind them. Max is speechless. "Guys, a thousand bucks says that was the most powerful gun we've had on this show to date."

Geoff has to agree with his buddy. "Right you are, Max."

Armand stands stunned. "So you say this can pierce the armour of a small tank?"

Seras nods cheerfully. "You heard right. Master used this one time to bring down some vampires in an armoured car. Went right through to the targets inside."

Ignoring the two ghosts, Geoff makes the verdict. "Okay guys, the halberd was great but it's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. I think we all know what we have to do?" Everyone agrees.

Edge: Jackal Anti-Freak Combat pistol

Announcer: _But Team Dante isn't beaten yet. For Medium range weapons they bring a deadly instrument of mayhem. _

Cut to Virgil holding up Dante's main weapon, Death's scythe. Every bit as impressive as its name, the handle of the scythe is made from human spine. On the end is a massive blade as large as some swords and surgical sharp.

Announcer: _While in hell, Dante used this brutal weapon to mow a bloody path through the minions of Lucifer. The weapon is so named because Dante actually killed the Grim Reaper to get it. _

Armand looks across the scythe. On the bottom of the scythe is a large metal counterweight that can be used to smash skulls. The blade sits on a pivot wheel that uses a human skull as a hub cap.

Max whistles. "This thing used to belong to death?"

Virgin nods. "Indeed, Dante was condemned for his sins but was rather adamant about seeing his wife again, so he killed the personification of death. Good riddance to him too."

Seras scoffs. "Oh please, anybody can beat death. Look at me?"

Virgin disagrees. "You've not beaten death, Seras. You're merely undead and a single wooden stake will send you to your fate." Well, Seras can't argue with that.

To demonstrate the Scythe's killing power, six pig carcasses and four foam dummies have been set up with furniture and facade walls to act as obstacles. Geoff explains the obstacle course. "Virgil, this is designed to simulate a series of rooms. You'll encounter individual targets at first and then a whole group at the end. Think you can handle it?"

Virgil is cool. "Of course I can; I am a poet after all. I just need to switch from pen and paper to blade and flesh."

When the alarm goes to attack, Virgil plants his ghostly feet on the ground and charges forward. A metal door blocks its way. There is a tremendous screech as the giant scythe cuts through the steel like paper. Virgil kicks down the piece of door and flings himself at a foam dummy.

The scythe blade snaps and pivots forty five degrees upward, turning Death's Scythe into a giant spear. Virgil thrust the impromptu spear through the dummy, running it through with nearly four feet of divine steel. He yanks out the blade and fake blood gushes from the dummy.

Virgil snaps back the blade into its regular position and charges the next door, kicking it off its hinges. A pig carcass hangs sits in a swivel chair behind a steel table. The ghost of the roman poet roars and uses the spinal handle of the weapon to knock aside the table. Both pig carcass and swivel chair are sliced in half. Guts and gore spill from the pig carcass's innards. The pig should consider itself grateful.

The guys hoot and cheer on Virgil and he goes snake on a two more targets. Seras watches with rapt fascination while Walter turns up his nose snobbishly. He could easily do this with only some wire.

Virgil reaches the final room which has three pig carcasses and three dummies scattered around randomly. Screaming in fury, Virgil swings around Death's Scythe like a giant lawnmower on steroids. Everything in the room is hacked to bits as if it were inside a giant food processor. The handle of the scythe even stretches to get targets that are out of the wielder's reach.

High speed footage captures the carnage in loving detail. Armand is totally taken aback. "I've never seen anything like it," he tell the camera, "It's just insane."

Armand points to the first dummy. "This blade would have gone through his large intestine, through one of his kidneys and right through the spine." He runs a finger along the wound. "Look at how clean that cut is. The kidney alone would have killed him because there's so much blood flow there, also the intestine shot would have released shit into his system and caused him to die of infection. The spinal strike would mean that he'd need a wheel chair to fight again. This guy's dead."

Seras contributes. "While a kidney or intestine hit wouldn't harm a vampire, the spine hit is another story. If you injure a vampire's spine, it's just like in a human. They're paralyzed until the wound is healed and that won't happen until the blade is removed."

Team Hellsing's Walter C. Dornez mocks Virgil. "Go back to writing poetry, my good ghost. Leave monster killing to the professionals." Cradled in his arms is Hellsing's medium weapon, the Tommy gun.

Virgil once again raises an eye at Walter. He then decides to add a last minute demonstration to the scene.

Without warning, the scythe blade snaps into spear mode. The handle of the spear then stretches forward rapidly, just like inspector's Gadget's arm. Before Walter can even react, the handle of the weapon has extended thirty feet and sliced his Tommy gun in half.

Walter glares daggers at Virgil. It's too bad you can't kill a ghost.

Virgil treats Walter sarcastically. "Very sorry, I missed." At any rate, Walter will need a new Tommy gun.

Cut to a scene of Walter filling a bunch of pig carcasses full of holes.

Announcer: _Our team is having a hard time deciding what weapon has the edge. _

Geoff tries to go over it in a sensible way. "I want to pick the Tommy gun because it has greater range but the scythe also was great for long distances."

Max puts in his bit. "The scythe was cool, but if you miss that one shot then you failed to take out the gunner or his gun."

Armand breaks the tie. "I'd go with the gun since it is a ranged weapon."

Edge: Draw

Announcer: _Coming up, we test the long range weapons. The Casull versus the Bow of Heracles_

Antonio and Seras face each other, one with a gun and one with a bow. The Casull is much like the Jackal except that it's silvery in color and only weights fifteen kilograms. It is also the same length as the Jackal.

The Bow of Heracles is rather an interesting weapon. Its style resembles a Persian recurve bow except that instead of date wood it is made of strips of Lion bone instead of strips of date wood. An ornate silver lion sits on the handle of the weapon. Like two chivalrous knights, Seras and Antonio bow and smile at one another.

In this instance, the staff at the show has devised a test to assess the accuracy and rate of fire of each weapon. A series of wooden discs hang from wires attached to the wall and ceiling. When it's time to go, the wooden discs with red X's will start moving along the wires in order to simulate moving targets.

The ghost and the vampire take their positions at a spot indicated by a strip of tape at the floor. Max Geiger stands dramatically in front of the intricate system of pulleys and targets. "Gentlemen, and lady, I present to you Deadliest Warrior's new and improved target practice course which took three point five hours to build and more Advil for headaches and bruised fingers than any human being can safely take." Some of Max's fingers look like they've been hit with a hammer and they're all splinted up.

The rules of the test are simple. "Both of you will start firing at the same time. Seras has a fifteen bullet magazine while Antonio will be given fifteen arrows. Shoot as fast as you can and as accurately and don't shoot your opponent."

Max is yanked out of the way by Geoff and the clock starts. The wooden discs start zipping back in forth with dizzying speed. As Antonio notches his firs arrow, Seras is already firing her big gun. The barrel of the Casull is rifled whereas the Jackal is a smooth bore, allowing for much greater accuracy.

Antonio fires the bow of Heracles. The arrows instantly catch fire as they leave the bow and penetrate right through each target. It is easily the most powerful bow seen on the show. The speed with which he fires them is also unprecedented. Yet it is all no match for the Casull.

Seras fires the last of her bullets and the brass shell hits the ground with a _clink_. At the same time, Antonio fires his last two arrows.

The spent magazine falls from the big silver gun. The two adversaries turn around and spot the deadliest warrior team, now for some reason stepping into a giant hydraulic lift. The lift activates and takes the guys at least twenty feet up.

Seras makes no move to hide her confusion. She calls up to Walter, who is hanging back with the rest of the guys. "What's going on, Walter?"

Walter smiles at her in a kindly way. "It's the real test, Police Girl."

Antonio looks at Seras in a befuddled manner as he picks up the remains of the flaming arrows, which miraculously have suffered no damage. From what Seras can see, the arrows have almost as much penetrating power as bullets.

Seras and Antonio soon realize what is meant by the humans who are now safely on a platform. A hidden panel opens up on the far wall and out climbs a horde of ghouls. The groaning, zombie like creatures are the result of a vampire biting a non-virgin or a same sex human. Like zombies, the ghouls hunger for human flesh but are physically stronger and their eyes glow.

Seras and Antonio glance quickly at each other and smile quickly before snapping into action. Seras charges toward the work bench in order to get another clip. Antonio sprints like the wind to pick up as many arrows as he can before the onslaught of ghouls.

With just ten arrows, Antonio runs towards Seras who has found only one more clip. It's time for this dance to start.

Seras eyes glow red and her fangs peek out as she unleashes unholy hell on the ghouls. The silver ammo in the gun blows into the ghoul's heads and tears them to shreds. Their downed bodies fall into dust.

Aiming to impress, Antonio notches up five arrows at once. Taking a second to aim, the crusader ghost lets go. Five ghouls are instantly struck in the heart by the arrows, but instead of turning into dust like with Seras silver bullets, they burn like tissue paper. Nothing is left of the ghouls that Antonio hits except for smoke that rapidly dissipates.

Soon the tide of ghouls is reduced to ashes on the floor and smoke in the air. All of this smoke and dust has triggered the building fire alarms. Deafening noise fills the air; especially painful for Seras sensitive undead hearing. Then in short order the sprinklers start up. The guys on the platform take the worst of the water damage. Walter and Geoff curse at the top of their lungs. Virgil, who had levitated above the carnage, is merely smirking.

The camera crews have to interview everyone outside to avoid water from the sprinklers. Armand steps up first to be interviewed. "As an ER doctor, I've had to put down patients that were going to become zombies. That was a stunning display of marksmanship from both of them."

Walter comments on Seras performance. "Like all vampires, Seras has a clairvoyant third eye that she can use to aim a gun perfectly. Dante has no such advantage in the coming fight."

Geoff agrees with Walter. "Antonio had great aim with that bow, but he didn't have Seras rate of fire. Except that shooting five arrows at once was pretty awesome.

Edge: Casull

Announcer: _Entering the last phase of testing, our participants are more excited than ever. The fight club is positively thick with anticipation. _

Max stands over a computer console, trying to dry out his computer with a blow dryer. "I have to say that I'm really impressed with Team Dante so far. Given that they're from the crusades and Team Hellsing has modern weapons, they're doing great for themselves."

Armand takes a mop and tries to get rid of some of the puddles. "Things are starting to get very interesting. From what I've seen, both sides can inflict a huge amount of damage on whatever they want. The thing is that Alucard can take way more damage than Dante can."

Geoff looks at a sodden pile of magazines. "Fucking sprinklers! My _Hunters monthly_ collection is ruined!"

Virgil stares into the camera with his serene gaze. "I do believe that Dante can beat Alucard. Alucard is a weapon of shock and awe. Take away the fear and you take away a third of his power. However, to underestimate Alucard is death as so many of millions have found about this monster."

Seras is wringing water out of her cool ball cap. "I'm confident that Master can win. He says that only a man can beat a monster, but I don't believe that. To beat a monster you need a really big bomb and some luck."

Virgil and Walter show up with the special weapons for their respective teams. Walter wields a bastard sword like a pro. The three foot blade is designed for stabbing and is finely honed. Virgil however seems to be armed with a simple cross.

Walter thinks poorly of the metal cross in Virgil's hand. "I should have you know that Alucard has eaten larger crosses than that."

Once more, Walter's jabs glide off of Virgil's back like a duck on water. "Unfortunately, you fail to look beyond the obvious. This cross at its core contains one of the thorns from the crown of Christ. In addition to that, it also belonged to the late Beatrice; the women for whom Dante struck down the devil for."

Walter sneers at Virgil. "A little cross isn't going to save that love sick nonce from Alucard."

Casually, Virgil knocks Walter on the head lightly with the metal cross. The butler's hand flies to his head and he chops across Virgil, but the weapon simply passes through the ghost.

Walter gets treated to more of Virgil's dry wit. "I think you need to swing the sword harder next time." The normally cheerful butler grits his teeth.

Walter regains his composure as Geoff straps on motion sensors to his arms and weapon. The target is simple, one ballistic gel dummy with a cuirass and metal thorn crown just like Dante has. The objective of this exercise is to see if the bastard sword can get past the mail.

Walter swings back with the sword like somebody who is an expert with it. Geoff gives the go ahead and Walter strikes. The bastard sword is thrust into the Dummy's heart. Yanking out from the translucent gel, Walter grunts as he drives the blade into the stomach. When he tries to chop off the head, the sword bounces off of the mail.

To finish off the dummy, Walter drives the point of the sword into the throat. Blood spurts out from where the sword pierced the mail.

The experts approach to assess the damage. Walter doesn't show his disappointment at the results. Max points a finger at the high speed footage on his new computer. "The slashing blow from the sword is blocked by the armour. You failed to chop his head off."

Armand has already inspected the wound and gives the skinny. "I saw the dummy, he's got some bad bruising and at worst he'll be incapacitated."

"Just like karate chopping someone in the neck?" ask Geoff.

"Yep," says our fight doctor.

Announcer: _We'll see how the bastard sword fares against Beatrice's Cross. Formerly owned by Dante's wife Beatrice, this cross is used by Dante to harness immense magical powers as well as to punish or absolve the souls of hell. _

Virgil levitates in front of a gel torso wearing a replica of Alucard's floppy hat. Max remarks that he saw a hat just like it once in a ladies clothing store except that one had a big bow tie on it.

With ease, Virgil takes the metal cross and holds it facing the target. Explosively, a meter long cross shaped bolt of energy shoots from the cross and slams into the dummy. The dummy never stood a chance. High speed replay footage shows that first the dummy's hair is knocked off before flying backwards

The crew all stand around the downed dummy along with the guest experts. Walter tries to shrug off the damage done by the cross. A giant "t" shaped burn is left behind in the dummy's torso and close inspection reveals that it's burnt all through the body. Armand has never seen anything like it. "It's like you took a section of this guy's flesh and just incinerated it with a weird shaped laser. His heart, lungs and a good chunk of his intestines and liver are barbecue."

Virgil boasts the qualities of the innocuous weapon he wields. "I can also fire rapidly with this holy tool and access a wide variety of magical attacks." He points to the bottom of the cross, which is pointed instead of square. "While not meant for it, it can be used as a stabbing weapon in a tight spot."

As a final test of the cross's abilities, a pig carcass is hung from the ceiling which is meant to represent an enemy vampire.

Seras Victoria stares at the pig carcass with something akin to insult. "Is that pig wearing one of my shirts?" Indeed, the pig carcass wears the same mustard coloured shirt as Seras is.

Geoff tries to explain it. "That's not meant to look like you. It's just some old shirt we dug up out of the bin."

Seras says nothing but she gives Geoff a funny look before walking away.

Virgil prepares to fire another shot with the cross. Like Seras, he has no fear of injury to himself, thus he passes over the safety glasses. This time he tries some of the diabolical magic that the cross is capable of.

Like lightning, flaming meter long crosses fire out of Beatrice's Cross and spin towards the pig. The flaming crosses slash up the pig carcass like a meat grinder. Chunks of scorched pork fly all over the place; on the floor, the ceiling and all over the protective plexiglass protecting the team.

Announcer: _The decision is an easy one._

Edge: Beatrice's Cross

Announcer: _Now, with the testing complete, it's time to move onto the main event_.

Walter appears in front of the camera, looking extremely dignified and calm. "Alucard will win. He wouldn't allow himself to be beaten by a Catholic."

Antonio defends his champion. "Dante defeated the devil himself and cut the chains of Judecca. Compared to that, Alucard is just practice."

Seras proudly wears her ball cap. "Well, let's see how this goes." The buxom vampire gives two thumbs up. "Go master."

Announcer: _Max Geiger fires up the simulator. No rules, no safety, no mercy, only victory!_

* * *

Simulation:

Dante runs through a thick cope of trees. Seemingly this forest has no end and he truly has no recollection of how long he's been running. There is no night or day here; just one long ugly twilight. In day the sun is blocked by thick clouds and at night the same clouds seem to lighten everything while draining out all colours.

As he runs, a figure suddenly materializes from the shadows. It is a tall man with waist length, raven hair and freakishly long limbs. The figure, for it was no good to call this a man, grinned devilishly at Dante. "You have made it this far, for that you have my congratulations."

Dante holds fast before the red clad figure. There is something his enemy that raises his hackles and it's just jus the sheer power radiating off the creature. Somehow Dante can tell that this monster has a personality disorder; he's rotten to his very core. "Speak quickly, monster. My patience grows thin."

The creature laughs at Dante. "Monster, I've been called that many times. Sometimes I count the number of times I've been called a monster just to make myself feel crazy." It's also very likely that this monster more than just feels crazy.

Dante is adamant. "Stand aside, beast, or I will destroy you!"

Once more the creature laughs. It is a sneering, sardonic laugh. "Silly rabbit, don't you know that only a man may destroy a monster."

Dante has had enough of the monster's semantics. "So what happens now, creature?"

"Now," Alucard chuckled, "you die." And then it began

With lightning quickness, Alucard thrust the Casull from his jacket and took aim at the hell bound crusader. Large calibre bullets were spat from the gun's rifled barrel.

Dante avoided the vampire's aim with a nimbleness that was more than what a normal man was capable of. Simultaneously, he used the wide blade of his scythe to block oncoming bullets. The heavy silver rounds ricocheted off of Death's Scythe without even leaving a mark on that cursed steel.

Alucard grinned maniacally as his target thwarted his gun. This was already turning out to be slightly enjoyable. Suddenly, the gun told him with its telltale click that it was empty and he began to go for ammunition.

Dante was not idle and he was aware that the monster was taking a reprieve to reactivate his unfamiliar weapon. With just a flick of the wrist, the blade of the Death's Scythe pivoted up and transformed into a spear of savage proportion.

Alucard just finished reloading his gun when Dante took first blood in the fight. The handle of his scythe shot forward like the arms of Mr. Fantastic. The spinal column stretched far beyond what it seemed capable of and the blade sliced Alucard right through the heart.

An ordinary vampire, even a powerful one of a thousand years would have been instantly killed by such a slice, but not Alucard. He hadn't been an ordinary vampire for ages now. He gritted his teeth in agony, and how delicious it is.

The handle of the scythe retracts and it takes Alucard with it like some oversized mutant fish. The wind rushes through Alucard's hair as he flies at Dante. Through the pain in his bisected heart, Alucard smiles and flexes his hand into the shape of the claw. He'll rip out this fool's throat and he'll take great satisfaction in watching him die.

But Dante beats Alucard to it. Before Alucard can lash, Dante throws a punch into Alucard's face with a deep crunch sound. The blow is devastating and combined with the momentum of the scythe; Alucard is thrown backwards head over heels.

Alucard flies through the air before slamming into the dusty ground. Dante stands fast, fully expecting his foe to be dead, but his luck is not so great. To his great shock, Alucard slowly picks himself up off the earth and dusts off his person.

As if to mock Dante, Alucard puts away his gun and smirks at him. Suddenly, Alucard vanishes, melting into the shadows from whence he came.

Dante spins around while holding his weapon at the ready. Alucard flies from a tree branch and vanished behind another tree. Dante is just a hair to slow, spinning to try and track the movements of his mystical enemy.

Alucard flies from behind another tree like a flaming bird. Dante spots his enemy and launches the scythe's head at the vampire. Alucard looks over his shoulder at the speeding blade and laughs.

Dante's eyes widen as the scythes hits—

—nothing; absolutely nothing at all. The scythe's blade lies buried in a tree trunk but Alucard is gone. The only thing that gives testament to his being here is his cruel, mocking laughter as it echoes off the trees.

Deciding that a change of tactics is due, Dante puts the scythe on his back and grabs the bow of Heracles. The lion bone recurve bow feels comfortable in his hand and his notches up an arrow from the quiver at his hip. Powerful arm muscles flex as Dante draws back the bow string.

Sure as Adam and Eve sinned, Alucard goes screaming out of the tree tops like a Triassic era flying predator. His laughing and hollering are joined by the staccato belching of the Tommy gun. Bullets come down like a lethal storm.

Dante lets loose an arrow and it nearly hits. In a battle like this, nearly hit is no hit at all. The burning arrow flies past Alucard's head and just puts a smouldering hole in the brim of his hat. The crusader lunges for cover as twenty bullets hit where he was just standing.

Dante feels fury building up in his chest. He gets the feeling that he's just being toyed with. It's time to show this second rate freak in red that this isn't a game.

Alucard appears for another attack, this time flying low to the ground. The Tommy gun continues to unload its drum magazine with deadly efficiency if not accuracy.

Alucard's enemy just appears behind a badly bullet damaged tree. Alucard's weapon has half cut down the mighty oak. Dante has two arrows set in his bow.

Like the marksman that he is, Dante's two arrows find their mark.

Alucard howls in agony as he takes a flaming arrow to each eye; spoiling his John Lennon sunglasses. He loses his flight control and hits the ground once more.

Still holding his Tommy gun, he tries to rip the arrows out even as they barbecue his eyeballs into crispy nuggets. He never gets the chance because another burning arrow strikes his hand and nails it to the forest floor. A second arrow pierces his other hand, penetrating through the handle of the gun and nailing it just the same as the other one.

Alucard growls and hisses like a wounded animal. He bellows with pain as a third arrow is fired into his heart. He's in an ecstasy of agony.

Blinded, Alucard can still hear and his keen hearing does not miss the noise of Dante drawing his scythe or the sound of the air being sliced by the sharp blade.

The cut is so clean it's surgical. Dante chops off Alucard's head. It's easy for Dante, like taking the top off of a tube of toothpaste. All noise that Alucard makes is cut off and the atmosphere feels oppressive with the smell of gun smoke and blood.

Dante looks over his kill like a hunter. No, not like a hunter. He's more like an exterminator that killed an aggravating but hardy pest. Kicking Alucard's corpse with an iron shod shoe, he decides uneasily that this beast has laughed his last laugh.

As he turns and walks away, he fails to notice Alucard's head. His glasses are a burned and shattered mess. The area around the eyes is charcoal burnt. The hat has fallen off and the long hair has been rudely cut by Dante's scythe. Just like a comedian opening up with a new act to slay them dead, Alucard smiles.

Dante hears a papery rustling noise and once more he goes into battle stance, fresh adrenaline rushing into his system despite the fatigue in his muscles.

From the distance, a swarm of bats flies with more than natural speed. They fly with the power of the devil behind them. Like piranhas, they make straight for Alucard's corpse and start to devour it.

Horrified, Dante watches as Alucard is consumed; meat, bones, clothing and even the Tommy gun.

With their foul meal ingested, the bats fly into each other. Their small bodies fuse together in bloody spats like fireworks. More and more bats combine with each other. Then the bloody mass starts to take shape. Arms and legs form followed by a head.

New clothing grows from nothing and a newly reformed Alucard throws his head back and laughs. His laughter is cruel, full of rage and joy. He sounds like a football fanatic in a blizzard or a terrorist bomber before sacrificing himself to murder a hundred and fifty innocents. His hat and glasses are gone so that Dante can get a good look at his blood red eyes.

Dante is at a loss for words but Alucard is just getting warmed up. "That was fun. You've some powerful weapons, little man. But really, did you have to ruin my hair cut?"

Dante is afraid. He's staring at a fiend unlike any other. Something changes in Dante's eyes. Fear turns into anger and anger to hate. He hates Alucard for making his afraid. His breathing returns to normal.

Alucard commends him. "Normally I can dance to the beat of a man's heart, but yours is so steady. I will enjoy ripping it out."

Dante takes a big step forward, challenging Alucard's dominance. If he has his way, anger will soon turn into suffering. Alucard's suffering. "Leave now, monster. I'm giving you one last chance to surrender."

Alucard snarls at Dante. "Surrender? Nice offer, but I think I'll decline." With that statement, he pulls out the Jackal, his most powerful pistol.

Dante tries to block the bullet from the Jackal but the weapon is so powerful that it knocks the scythe out of Dante's hands. Realizing that he is exposed, the human warrior throws himself behind a thick tree. He moves like a man can only can when he's toned his body and mind to the very pinnacle of human ability.

The Jackal's heavy bullet strikes the tree and blows a giant hole in it. Dante is showered with wood splinters. He clamps his jaws together in pain but avoids yelling. Another bullet hits the tree and showers Dante with more splinters.

With his whole back bleeding from a thousand little splinters, Dante casts around for a weapon. He sees his halberd next to a tree.

Alucard prepares to fire another shot at Dante when the crusader knight fires the last of his arrows at the inglorious vampire. This just annoys Alucard. As the arrows burn his clothes, he shouts. "We did that already!"

His unprofessional outburst allows Dante to get to the halberd. He leaps like a ninja towards the weapon and then hefts it like a spear before taking a dive for his scythe.

Alucard easily catches the halberd and puts away the Jackal. It's time for a bit of hand to hand combat. He laughs maniacally and makes a chop at Dante with the halberd. Dante tries to fight back but against Alucard's superhuman strength all he can do is bounce off the other fighter's strikes like a rubber ball.

Trying to kill Dante, Alucard slaps his enemy around like a hockey puck. He taunts his foe incessantly. "Your fate is sealed! I will drink your soul and it will be my puppet!"

The blade of the halberd narrowly misses Dante's nick while the handle is not one millimetre away from crushing his throat. Struggling in vain against his enemy's superior strength, he is helpless as Alucard shoves his grim, dead face towards his prey. Dante can see rows of jagged, shark like teeth bared in a grin most hateful.

Alucard's face is the face of pure evil. It is an honest face. It wants him dead. It wants his friends dead. It wants his friend's friends dead.

Inside Dante, something unfreezes. Looking into that hellish face, his anger and hatred grow tenfold and he cannot simply lie down and die while this monster terrorizes the earth. Because in Alucard's face, Dante can see himself; all of the sins that Dante has done, so has this beast done. And there is no one that Dante hates more than himself for what he has done to Beatrice and thousands of other innocents.

One hand goes to his belt and grabs his most potent weapon. Meanwhile, Alucard's lengthy tongue flicks out and taste's Dante's neck. A trail of drool is left behind like snail slime.

Alucard is about to bite into Dante's sweaty neck when something ruptures his red eyeball. The flame within that eye is extinguished and a gush of blood issues forth from the ruptured orb. He screams in pain, but it is different. The pain he feels is equal to that of what a human would feel. Alucard jumps back and holds his damaged eye in his two hands. The pain is so intense that he curls up on the ground.

What is this? Alucard's eye will not heal. Panting like a dog, Alucard struggles to form words. He is a vampire who has laughed as he was chopped into a thousand pieces and sprayed with holy water and taken pleasure in self mutilation but he's never felt pain like this since he was human.

Behind him, it's Dante's turn to taunt his foe. "What is wrong, dog? Does your wound itch?" The bottom of Beatrice's cross is stained with Alucard's blood and eye fluids.

Alucard holds his wounded eye. The fire in his remaining eye still burns brightly, as does the indomitable spirit within his cankerous and rotted heart. Nothing will stop him. Shakily, he stands up and faces Dante.

Alucard begins to chant words that make the pentagrams on his gloves glow bright as hell's flames. "Releasing control art restrictions level 3-2-1. The Cromwell restriction has been lifted. Restrictions released until target has been eternally silenced."

Before Dante, a thousand red eyes open in the shadows and Alucard's body seems to fuse into the darkness as if soaking up the void. His clothes vanish, leaving him clad in a black leather straight jacket and his gloves. His wounded eye gushes vital fluids; it is an open, painful sore on his face. His voice is hoarse with pain. "Try this on for size."

A bundle of shadow breaks off from Alucard and starts to grow. The shadow mass grows until it is twice the size of two bears. The shadow grows fangs and a mouth; a dozen eyes fix on Dante. It is Alucard's hellhound, his prime familiar.

The beast charges for Dante without even a polite warning. Hampered by his injured eye that still won't heal, Alucard smiles as he expects his pet to make Dante into dog shit.

Time slows down for Dante. The hellhound gets closer and he can see that its jaws are big enough to devour a man in one bite. His handsome mouth curls into a disdainful sneer. Holding his cross tight, he roars in primordial fury. It's a call full of power, reminiscent of the ancient stone aged hunters and the brutal feral children who eat raw meat and are raised by wild animals. Launching himself forward, Dante makes a frontal attack on the hellhound.

He leaps directly into the mouth of the hellhound!

The hellhound screeches in agony as the blade of Death's Scythe is driven through the roof of its mouth.

Inside the familiar's mouth, Dante stands on a giant undulating tongue which threatens to buck him off at every turn. Strings of drool fall from the cavernous mouth and the stench burns Dante's senses. All of this only makes him twist the blade into the wound.

Alucard watches in amazement as streaks of white light begin to pierce through the hellhounds' skin. More and more until the hellhound explodes into a white mass of light.

The light blinds Alucard's one remaining eye and it burns his skin. Hissing like a snake, he realizes that nothing is left but Dante. Dante has killed his pet!

The remains of the hellhound form into a small orb of light that swiftly flies into Dante's chest and is absorbed.

Dante stares down at the indestructible vampire lord. So far this mortal has matched Alucard for every move.

Snarling, Alucard takes the Jackal and aims it at Dante. Dante doesn't even bat an eye at the massive gun trained on him. Instead, he looks Alucard in the eye and spits on the ground.

Alucard feels something old. For the first time in hundreds of years, he is actually insulted. Then, he starts to laugh. His chest shakes and bloody tears of joy run down his face. He screams in joy and rage at Dante. "You are worthy of my might! Truly you are a man worth killing! NOW LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!"

Alucard throws down his gun for he will not need it. He takes his hand off of his wounded eye; proudly displaying the gory edges of the wound. Pus leaks out as Alucard's undead body tries to heal the damage but has no success. He takes both his hands and uses his thumb and first two fingers on each hand to form a frame. "Releasing control art restriction zero! Hold restriction until triumph is mine!"

A giant blast of energy rockets off of Alucard. It knocks back Dante, who is able to land on his feet despite his wounds and fatigue.

The shadow gathers, not just from the clearing but for miles on end. The omnipresent clouds lift and reveal a blood red moon and a sky that is black and without life or character. Out of this otherworldly miasma, shapes start to form.

Out of the outer black, souls are taking shape. They are all the souls that Alucard has ever consumed. They are human. They are vampire, werewolf, demon and fey. All of them were drained by Alucard and now they are his slaves and toys. Their numbers run in the millions!

At the center of this millions strong army is Alucard himself. He is shorter now; his limbs have returned to a more normal length. His formerly smooth shaven face is now adorned with a beard and long handlebar moustache. He looks exactly like he did as a human warrior from a time that was forgotten; clad in a suit of iron armour and wearing a crimson cape. Adding to the ferocity of his appearance is his gaping eye socket, pouring yellow ichor and blood like a small waterfall.

In his hands is a bastard sword sharpened to razor cutting power. With a wave of his blade, an army that numbers millions attacks one man.

Dante fights without fear or hesitation. He is a true warrior. His skill is perfect and his form is flawless. All of it is futile. Against an army like this there can be no victory.

Dante swings his scythe in a mad circle. Black enslaved souls are cut down like grass for every one that he slays there are two hundred more to take their place. Their dark blood paints Dante as black as they are until there is no difference between them that can be seen by the eye.

With Beatrice's cross he unleashes devastating attacks. Flaming crosses burn a path through the hordes like paper. Cross bolts of light blast them back like mortar fire. Spikes of ice shoot up from the ground and impale them in a fashion that would have made Alucard proud when he was still called the Impaler.

They write in pain on the ice spikes before they dissipate. They shriek in torment as the flames consume them but their subservience to their master will not allow them to beg for mercy. The light from the cross bolts blind them and they stumble blindly as their bodies dissolve.

And every bit of it is futile as Dante is totally overwhelmed like a spider before army ants. They pile onto him like snow on a stone; the stone is helpless against the snow.

Alucard laughs at what he perceives to be a good victory. The day is his!

And then the tables turn. Dante is bringing his own army. Orbs of light, thousands of them are sweeping through Alucard's army of souls and cutting their down. A single touch from these orbs and the familiars instantly vanish.

These are not just orbs. They are the souls of those who Dante absolved of their sins while in hell. They were condemned to eternal damnation when Dante opened the doors to paradise for them. For that, they will do anything for Dante. And they are much more powerful than Alucard's familiars.

Darkness will always be slain by light and the free will always defeat the coerced. Dante uses the power of his cross to not only destroy Alucard's familiars, but to free them and send them to heaven. By this measure, he takes Alucard's strength and adds it to his own.

The freed souls congregate on Dante. They surround him like a force field temporarily before blasting out like a tidal wave. Dante holds the cross up high and recites a long, sincere prayer to God. God has robbed Dante of much in life, but God is still for Dante in his hour of greatest need. The Lord's Prayer hurts Alucard's ears

Alucard spreads his cape like a bat's wings and stars to fly in order to avoid being hit by the wave of light. As he looks up, he sees he has made a fatal mistake.

Soaked in the black blood of familiars, Dante is as black as the sky above. He flies on a direct collision course with Alucard in mid air. Death's Scythe is more than ready to deal a killing blow.

Alucard's one remaining eye widens. For the first time this night, fear is in the monster's heart. He raises his bastard sword to fend off the strike but Dante chops through the other weapon.

Alucard is sliced from head to crotch by Dante. The cut is so clean that the two halves slide instead of fall apart. The cut is perfectly down Alucard's middle.

Dante and the two halves of Alucard's body hit the ground with a thud. All around them, Alucard's familiars are routed by Dante's freed souls.

Dante breathes with exertion. His every muscle is on fire and his lungs can't take in nearly enough air. He feels like an aching mass of meat and bone, a man unworthy to live. Yet he stands here victorious as he tries to brush the blood, shit and sweat out of his eyes.

Around the two fighters, the darkness and light swirl like a giant tornado. Alucard's body crumbles into dust and from that dust there raises something.

It looks like a flickering fluorescent flame. In the center of that flame Dante can just barely make out a face. This is Alucard's soul. It can't be harmed with blades, bombs, spells, blessing or curses. They can destroy Alucard's body but as long as his soul remains he will always rise again.

Alucard shouts to Dante, hateful and defiant to the last. His voice is distorted as if heard through a maze of glass tubes. "GO AHEAD! DO THE DEED! END IT ALL!"

Strangely enough, Alucard doesn't sound unhappy to be defeated. He sounds like he wants Dante to kill him. Perhaps he is so evil that he can no longer live with himself. His existence is a curse and the earth that he walks is hell for him. He's only been looking for the right man to do the job.

With his enemy downed, Dante cannot hate this creature anymore. He can only pity it. He raises the cross to Alucard's soul. "I bring you not damnation, but salvation."

The cross's light shines on Alucard. Alucard sighs as the curse of unending life is lifted. Finally, he can move on. He will go straight to the most torturous pit of hell, but it will seem like heaven compared to this pitiful sham of a life he has been forced to live.

Alucard's soul passes to the next world. The familiars vanish. The clouds return and Dante is victorious.

_**Dante Wins!**_

Stats:

Dante: 503 kills

Halberd: 9 kills

Heracles Bow: 36 kills

Death's Scythe: 123 kills

Beatrice's Cross: 335 kills

Alucard: 497 kills

Casull: 47 kills

Jackal: 230 kills

Tommy gun: 123 kills

Bastard Sword: 97 kills

At the fight club, Max is as happy as a clam. "This is our closest match ever. We have a difference of six kills. In the Spetznaz vs. Green Beret, we had a difference of seven kills."

Geoff elaborates. "Alucard had overall deadlier weapons because they were more modern but Dante's scythe and cross more than picked up the slack."

Walter is a sore loser. "This is an insult to Alucard and to the good name of the Hellsing organization. I demand a rematch."

Antonio is quite pleased with how things went. "Dante fought the hordes of hell only with Virgil's direction and his own unstoppable will. When I was alive, I knew him to be truly a man without fear."

Seras Victoria holds a pouch of medical blood. "I'm a little surprised at the result but I'm glad I was wrong. It looks like a man can beat a monster." When she sips her blood, her blue eyes widen and she spits out the blood. She starts to holler and hoot like she ate something poisonous. "OH GOD! WHO SLIPPED A HABANERO PEPPER INTO MY BLOOD?" She runs away screaming, looking for some water or anything to wash her mouth.

Virgil smirks at the camera and communicates in his own dry manner. "I slipped the pepper into her drink, but don't tell her that. I'm not sure I can handle that kind of punishment."

Armand Dorian has the final word. "I guess we know who'd win. The computer has no bias."

Meanwhile, in the playboy mansion, Dante and Alucard are posing for a _Playgirl _centerfold. The two men leer at each other, unaware that it was decided who was deadliest. As they take off their bathrobes and get naked for the camera, the question will be decided—

_Who_

_Is _

_**Studliest?**_

* * *

And that's a rap folks! That was the funnest fight scene I've ever had to write. I know many of you were expecting a different outcome but frankly I wanted to find somebody who had a reasonable chance of beating Alucard, at least in my fallible opinion. I hope you had fun even if you disagreed with the results.

Next time we'll have Snake Plishkin vs. Rambo. You will want to reserve your seats in advance for that one. Also, I've got a whole new load of fight ideas.

For the next two weeks there will be a poll to decide who is studliest on my page. Vote while you can.

Thanks for R&R-ing me. I owe it all to my fans.

Ta

Master of teh Boot


	4. John Rambo vs Snake Plissken

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Disclaimer: I do not own Snake Plissken or John Rambo. Both of these characters are owned by others. I own only this computer I type on.

* * *

_John Rambo_

Shows the great hero himself. Rambo shouts and screams as he mows down hordes of enemies while dressed in camo and tank top.

_Vietnam Veteran and special forces member turned criminal who slayed many police and national guardsmen in his PTSD fuelled rampage. _

Announcer: _S.D. "Snake" Plissken_

A man sits in a bleak concrete area in darkness. He has an eye patch and a lean, sharp look. His chin rests on his fist and he appears to be pondering. Suddenly, a spotlight shines on Plissken and his eye snaps open. He stands up and the camera pans back to reveal that he's surrounded by corpses with their throats slashed, skulls crushed and necks broken.

_Former member of spec ops group Black Flight and veteran of the battle of Leningrad in World War Three. _

Announcer: _Here in Los Angeles, our team of elite doctors, scientists and computer experts have gathered to do just one thing: find out who would win between these tough as nails sons of bitches. _

Resident computer whiz Max Geiger takes the scene. "I'm going to have to go with Plissken on this one. He's got two purple hearts and he's the youngest soldier to ever be decorated by the president during the Leningrad and Siberia campaigns."

Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulin disagrees with his nerdy buddy. "No way, Rambo is going to take this match. When he fought in Vietnam, he was captured by the VC and tortured repeatedly. That baptism of fire really made Rambo a hundred times stronger. Plissken is just a greedy criminal."

Armand Dorian contrasts the two fighters. "What's interesting is that both of these men feel betrayed in some way. For Rambo, he's shocked and hurt by a civilian population that calls him baby killer and rejects him. For Plissken, he's mad about at the government itself for when the Leningrad Ruse killed a hundred thousand soldiers needlessly. If some hippy called Plissken a baby killer, he'd probably say, 'thank you."

Announcer: _Representing Rambo in today's match will be Green Beret Colonel Trautman and Sherrif Will Teasle._

Trautman was Rambo's commander. An old and stalwart solder, the Colonel taught Rambo everything he knows. Sherrif Teasle is a short, fat bastard who was Rambo's nemesis in the original book. With him he brings firsthand knowledge of what it's like to be Rambo's enemy.

Announcer: _For Team Plissken we have Hershe Las Palmas and Harold "Brain" Hellman_

Hershe is a transsexual thief formerly known as Car Jack Palmas. Hershe has the outward appearance of a rather beautiful woman of mocha coloured skin and bleached hair. In addition to grand theft auto, Hershe is guilty of twenty accounts of first degree murder, ten of drug smuggling, three of grand theft and for not paying the surgeon who did the gender change surgery.

Brain is a professional criminal. He's a tall, lanky man dressed in a dirty white trench coat and faded blue ascot. His face is gaunt and ghoulish. Brain is exactly the kind of man that you would hire in a monster movie so that you won't have to spend money on special effects makeup. Once upon a time he was a co worker of Plissken's in the league of professional crime, but he left him behind during a botched robbery of a federal bank.

Announcer: _This fight will be a battle of opposites_

_Hardened survival instincts_

Rambo cowers in the jungle like an animal. With him he's got a pistol, one clip and a knife; more than enough to kill the squad of men that are getting closer.

_Versus cold ruthlessness_

Snake Plissken is breaking out of prison. Casually, he tosses a smuggled grenade into a room full of guards. When the dust clears, he steps over and on the guard's bodies on his way to freedom.

_A patriot_

Rambo battles returns to the jungle to battle communist forces in South East Asia.

_Versus a hardened criminal_

Snake Plissken is in the act of robbing a bank. To prove to the staff that he's serious, he shoots a clerk in the knee. The look on his face says that he will tolerate no trouble.

_It's time to find out_

_Who_

_Is _

_**Deadliest!**_

Announcer: _Things are heating up as our two special forces heroes go head to head. Each team is confident that their man has what it takes. _

Hershe takes camera first. For such a beautiful woman her voice is very mannish. "I worked with Snake and I helped him escape from L.A. There's no way he won't be able to handle some half Italian pretty boy."

Sheriff Teasle is confident he's backing the winning side. "Rambo destroyed half of my fucking town! That shit kicker is damn near unstoppable. He's kicking that snake guy's ass for sure."

Stats:

Plissken: Ingram M-10, MK3A2 Concussion Grenade, PKM Machine gun, ballistics knife

Height: 5'10''

Theatre of operations: United States/Russia

Rambo: M-16 Assault Rifle, Claymore mine, M-60 Machine Gun, PSG-1, Trench Knife

Height: 6'1''

Theatre of operations: United States/Vietnam

Announcer: _As Max prepares a program developed by Slytherin Studios, our experts will get to test our explosive weapons. _

To begin our experts will test the capabilities of the MK3A2 concussion grenade. The three hosts of the show as well as the guest experts all stand out in a desolate, rocky environment in which there is nothing around for miles. Brain explains the mechanics of the explosive device. "This thing is a concussion grenade. It uses sheer explosive power to kill targets."

Geoff, who has trained with the Canadian military, nods at this fact. "That's right, most explosives try to use some form of shrapnel."

"Yeah, thank you for stating the obvious. This little number is going to win this round because it has more casualties within its effective range." Brain brushes Geoff off.

Sheriff Teasle mocks the former mate of Plissken. "Nice firecracker; is it any good."

Brain rolls his eyes at Sheriff Teasle. "Why don't you go back to marrying your sister, you greasy hillbilly." Teasle is visibly angry at this statement but nobody pays him any mind.

Colonel Trautman is sceptical of the concussion grenades. "I've trained with nearly every form of explosive known to man. Those sort of grenades are good for clearing out bunkers but no grenade known to man can match the weapon that we're bringing with us."

In a stiff way, Brain accepts Trautman's challenge. "Let's wait and see then."

In the testing zone, four dummies have been set up in a circle around a grenade attached to a wire. Each dummy is fitted with a pressure detector that will measure if the dummy is disoriented, injured or dead. Each dummy is farther away from the grenade than the last.

Behind protective glass, the crew prepare to detonate the explosive. Max Geiger holds the switch. The safety is off and the area is cleared of all save for one unlucky gopher. "3... 2... 1... FIRE!"

The explosion is powerful. It's the kind that you feel with your bones because your ear drums have burst. We're talking a glass shattering explosion from half a block away. As always, the Deadliest Warrior team never grow tired of seeing something mean and deadly go boom.

High speed footage shows the dummies being knocked back by the concussive force of the bomb. When the team finally arrives at the dummies are leaking out fake blood all over the ground.

Close inspection reveals that three of the dummies would not make it. Armand tells it with a straight face. "The first guy is dead of the shockwave. He's not just dead, his organs are jelly." He approaches the second dummy. "At ten feet, this guy is also dead. If this was a person, his brains would be coming out of his ears." They walk up to the third dummy. "I'd hate to say this but this guy is dead at twenty feet."

The fourth dummy, thirty feet out, is a change of news. "This guy is alive. He'll just have a head ache that'll need more Tylenol in a day than most people take in a week."

Max takes down the results on his little hand held computer. "Three casualties and one stunned."

Colonel Trautman points out a crucial fact. "They're all dead but you realize that this is less than half the range of a fragmentation grenade."

Geoff counters this. "That's true, most frag grenades go for fifty feet but even at this range of twenty feet most frags don't get this kind of kill count."

Brain picks his teeth with a mint scented toothpick. He looks calm and laid back in a neurotic sort of way. "What he said," pointing at Geoff.

Announcer: _Team Rambo moves in with their own explosive toy: the famous claymore mine!_

A single claymore mine has been set up with the business end facing a quartet of pig carcasses. Hershe doesn't think highly of the bulky weapon, which resembles a square shaped plate that gets planted in the ground. "Nice toy, I had a souvenir just like it one time." Her deep voice is sassy.

Trautman ignores the taunt from the transsexual. "Say what you will, this weapon was the terror of the Viet Cong and anybody who was unlucky enough to set off the trip wire."

Announcer: _The claymore mine is an explosive device which has a load of shrapnel on only one side of the bomb, allowing the bomb setter to aim this lethal weapon. _

Trautman has set up the trip mine just as he would in the deep, dark jungles of 'Nam. With the contraption ready to fire, Trautman runs for cover behind the safety glass. Being the stubborn man that he is, he won't allow anyone but him to set off the deadly weapon.

The countdown is given and at the pull of a cord, the trip wire is set off. For the barest split second nothing happens. The deadly mine explodes, showering the pig carcasses with shrapnel like a massive shotgun. The whole surrounding area is peppered with a hail of shrapnel. Four more pigs have given their lives for science.

Our experts review the destruction. Geoff goes first. "The concussion grenade was deadly, no two ways about it."

Armand goes next. "That's true, but the mine was far deadlier. We had the same number of kills at a greater distance with a much greater arc of destruction.

Brain defends his team's weapon. "Don't forget that our weapon is mobile. Snake can carry a dozen grenades with him at once, but Rambo can only take one claymore with him."

Hershe steps in to help her partner's argument. "Some Viet Cong grunt may fall for that thing, but Plissken can spot a trip wire with his eyes shut. He's got the same training as Rambo and he's smarter."

Trautman appraises Hershe coolly. "I'm prepared to debate that with you."

Announcer: _While the concussion grenade packed a lethal punch, it couldn't hold a candle to the claymore mine. _

Edge: Rambo

Now it's onto medium range weapons. Team Rambo takes the lead with the M-16 rifle, staple weapon of the American boys who battled it out in the mud in 'Nam.

In the guns testing area, three moving dummies have been set up as well as a dozen fake blood filled splatter balls. The splatter balls each are of various sizes and are designed to test a marksman's mettle. Trautman gives a quick rundown of the weapon. "Officially known as Rifle, Calibre 5.56 mm, M-16 was the standard weapon of the US army in the Vietnam War. It came to replace the earlier M-14 rifle."

Putting his goggles on, Trautman starts to take aim at the targets. "It is famous for producing devastating hydrostatic shock in targets and heavy damage by bullet fragmentation."

Max starts the clock and the Colonel does what he was trained to do. The machine gun roars and spits bullets at the largest of the splatter balls, producing a lovely splatter pattern that would look nice as a piece of abstract art. Rapid shooting leaves each of the splatter balls from largest to smallest in ruins.

Then Trautman gets to work on the dummies. With superb shooting, he loads up a new clip and unleashed holy hell on the mobile dummies. In vain the foam human surrogates try to get away from it but to no avail.

Armand analyzes the damage. "The first guy took five bullets to the chest: instant kill. Second and third guy all got neck and head shots: once again, instant kill."

Announcer: _Stepping up their game, Team Plissken goes head first into battle with their own weapon of choice. _

Hershe holds up a machine gun fitted with a lengthy suppressor fitted with a scope for accuracy. "Say hello to the Ingram Mac-10." Hershe licks her lips seductively. "It's my favourite weapon."

Geoff has some experience with the Ingram. "I used one of those before. They're light as a feather."

"Yes," says Hershe, "and has a higher rate of fire than their gun." The transsexual criminal holds the weapon close to the camera for emphasis. "This is my personal model, I call him Paul. Paul fires .45 calibre bullets, is threaded for a suppressor without losing bullet velocity and comes with a clip for a portable stock."

Max nods but is yet to be sold to the idea of the weapon. "Great, let's see what 'Paul' can do."

The same test is set up for Hershe, except this time the dummies are dressed like Rambo, with tank tops and head bands. For a change, Armand gets to get the ball rolling. "3... 2... 1... FIRE!"

Like the hardened criminal she is, Hershe lets loose. The three moving dummies are sprayed with lead. She unloads the whole clip on the mock humans, peering down the suppressor scope.

Reloading, Hershe opens up on the splatter balls, hardly aiming at all. She's just counting on the sheer volume of bullets to take care of the job. It's how she handles bank robberies and the like.

The damage is devastating and the landscape is riddled with .45 calibre bullet holes but something is amiss. Three of the smaller splatter balls have survived unscathed. Sheriff Teasle laughs at the missed targets. "Nice job sweetie, looks like you'd better go back to beautician school." He's lucky that Hershe's gun is empty.

The high speed camera compares the footage of the two guns firing. "While both guns were deadly beyond measure, the M-16 takes the cake with accuracy," Armand concludes.

Max nods. "Yeah, those missed targets didn't look too good."

Geoff addresses his comrades. "So do we all agree?"

Edge: Rambo

Announcer: _Coming up with long range weapons, Team Plissken dukes it out with a weapon that blazed during the cold war. The PKM Machine Gun_

Brain is shown holding a large Russian machine gun up for the cameras to see. "This gun is a real beauty. Snake likes these Russian weapons because they're reliable and easy to find now that the Soviet Union has fallen."

Typical, Sheriff Teasle is scornful of this weapon. "Take that Russkie piece of crap back to whatever yard sale you found it at."

For the test, Brain is going to fire the machine gun into a series of moving dummies set up in an environment designed to simulate a heavily forested region similar to the one from the first Rambo movie. Mesh nets and plastic trees obscure Brain's vision, making the shot difficult but not impossible.

As everything is set up, Brain takes the trigger while Hershe has the job of feeding him the ammo belts. The word is given and Brain's finger squeezes the trigger. Immediately, a scorching hot stream of lead is thrown at the dummies. The first dummy tries to wheel out of the way but is decapitated by the 7.62 mm weapon. The head lands on the ground amidst a rain of fake blood and starts to roll away. The second dummy takes a whole load of bullets in the center of the chest. The third and final dummy is about to take a load of justice when the gun suddenly jams.

The team are clearly disappointed by this mechanical failure and even the stoic Trautman shakes his head. In a war, a misfiring gun can spell a man's death.

Quickly, thanks to Hershe's skilled hands, the weapon is able to give the third dummy the kiss of death.

After the embarrassing mechanical failure of the weapon used by Team Plissken, Team Rambo is supremely confident that their American M-60 will kick some butt. Colonel Trautman takes the job of gunner while Teasle takes it upon himself to load the weapon and leave the good colonel to his devices.

Colonel Trautman is set to shoot on a course that replicates the urban decay of the city of New York after it has been turned into one giant supermax prison. The shells of cars and rubble block the targets from a perfect shot. It's nothing that the Green Beret colonel can't handle.

The gun roars, its pattern is as distinct from the PKM as the roar of a lion is from the howl of a wolf. The first moving dummy takes a dozen or two bullets to the head. The second dummy begins to take a few bullets before the gun unexpectedly jams.

Trautman frantically tries to get the mechanism clear again. With a bit of effort, the bullets flow again, but as he kills the second dummy the gun jams again. Things are looking down for Team Rambo. Quickly he gets the gun firing and takes out the last target but the damage is done. While both guns had comparable accuracy, the two misfires on the part of the M-60 mean that this is one round that will not go into Rambo's hands.

Edge: Team Plissken

Announcer: _Testing is entering its final leg. The odds are being formed fully and the stakes are getting higher. Between these two warriors, there is something to be considered: an X factor that can't be measured in a laboratory. _

Geoff appears on the camera. "With Rambo, his X factor is that he's got nothing left to live for. He's the last man alive in his unit living in a society that hates him. A man with nothing to live for is the most dangerous man alive."

The screen then cuts to Max who explains what's the deal with Plissken. "With Snake, he's a man fighting for revenge. The government betrayed him so he's out to screw them up big time, to that end he deliberately destroyed valuable technical information that the president badly needed. He's got a lust for life. Like an animal, he'll do whatever it takes to survive and to get his vengeance. Unlike Rambo, he's got something to live for, just one thing."

This segment of the show begins with the testing of special weapons. Team Rambo goes first.

Colonel Trautman stands up, holding a knife that looks particularly vicious. A sharp blade sticks up from an iron handle with a spiked hand guard. The colonel elaborates. "This is the trench knife. This was first issued to soldiers in the first world war."

He motions for the camera to come closer. Soon, the camera man has got a close up of the blade. "Notice the triangular shape of the blade instead of wedge shape." Everyone can see this.

Armand explains the significance behind the shape of the blade. "Yeah, with a knife like that, the wound is a lot harder to stitch and bleeds a lot more than with a regular knife."

Trautman nods at the experienced ER and fight doctor. "These were outlawed by the Geneva convention in the nineteen twenties. They're still used in many theatres of war since the hilt can also double as knuckle dusters."

To demonstrate the power of this weapon, a dummy is set up with a pressure sensor on the side of its head. First the colonel will demonstrate the power of a simple human fist.

A martial arts practice dummy glares at the colonel. Suddenly, the old man's fist flies out and strikes him in the side of the head. Geoff takes down the numbers off of Max's computer display. Colonel's got a pretty good hit for a fellow his age.

Now comes the trench knife. The measuring pad has been reset and it's time to dance. The blow strikes with spiked brass. If this were human this guy would be having a very bad day.

Max calls out the numbers. "Congratulations Colonel, you've just shattered his skull with a single hit."

Team Plissken remains unmoved by what they see as a petty toy. Hershe hefts up a utilitarian looking knife. "Try this on for size, big boy."

Announcer: _The ballistics knife, a weapon used by Special Forces in the former USSR. By pulling the pin on the handle, the blade of the knife is launched with lethal force. _

For the purpose of testing, a skull has been set up on a platform and dolled up with sun glasses and a curly red wig.

As Hershe gets ready for the test, a problem emerges. Sheriff Teasle, being a fat an obnoxious man, decides to try and goad the transsexual thief. "So what do you look like under your panties? It must be a real mess down there after the surgery." He laughs loudly at his own joke. Even Colonel Trautman seems to approve for the emotional turmoil that it's putting Hershe under.

Brain is no help to Hershe. He's laughing loudly at the Sheriff's crude remark. He freezes up when he catches a murderous glare from his partner. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh." He backs off because Hershe is still holding the ballistics knife and he doesn't like where she's pointing it.

Unexpectedly, Hershe puts down the knife and starts to walk off camera.

Ever the political correct one, Armand shares his experiences with treating transsexual patients. "I've treated some people like Hershe in the emergency room. They actually looked pretty good naked." The camera man gives Armand a funny look from behind the set. Armand frowns at the camera man. "What are you looking at?" Suddenly there is a commotion going on.

While we were interviewing Armand, Hershe took the time to grab her cigarette lighter. Evidently she used her playboy cigarette lighter to set Sheriff Teasle's cheap toupee. The bloated police officer is batting away at his flaming head as melted plastic runs down one side of his face. Hershe grins away as she puffs on a smoke.

Colonel Trautman doesn't lift a finger to help the coarse law enforcement official and just watches the show.

Teasle bellows and runs in circles like a bull in a china shop. As he runs back and forth, he knocks over weapons racks and testing equipment. Geoff starts yelling for Teasle to stop but his cries fall on deaf ears. The sheriff continues to smash up the fight club. Geoff runs for a fire extinguisher.

Geoff starts to fire extinguishing chemicals on Teasle, but the sheriff just runs away from the freezing chemical spray and runs faster. Directly, he flees from Geoff and the show's biomedical expert gives chase.

Max is collating data when Teasle runs into his desk and knocks over the computer monitor. Max screams in horror as his computer sparks and shuts down for good. "My computer! Screw you, Teasle!"

The sheriff is still running around when Max throws a white cloth over his head. He would have taken off the burning toupee but by now it's melted to his scalp.

Covered by the cloth, Max starts to hit Teasle in the head with a mop handle. Over and over again he smokes the sheriff over the head with the mop left out by the janitor.

The camera cuts to commercial break. Hopefully the money brought in through advertising will offset the losses incurred by Sheriff Teasle's lawsuit.

The commercials are over and now the sheriff is being hauled away on a stretcher by two paramedics.

The guys are back to their stations, behind the panel of testing equipment that will measure the effect of Hershe's ballistics knife.

Geoff readies the stop watch. "In 3... 2... hey, did you already shoot that knife!"

The knife blade is already sticking in-between the eyes of the skull. Hershe smirks while Brain provides the answer. "Yeah, she fired while we were on commercial break."

Announcer: _But never fear, because we'll still present a working ballistics knife test for the viewer's pleasure._

A pig carcass has been set up. The pig is placed upright while being tied up by its limbs. Brain now stands about twenty feet from the pig, knife at the ready. At his belt are two other ballistics knives, ready to demonstrate the blade's power in a user's hand.

Geoff says the magic words. "Ready in 3... 2... 1... SLICE AND DICE!"

Brain takes the knife and with his thumb, pulls out the pin on the handle. Silently, the knife blade shoots forward like an arrow and firmly embeds itself in the flank of the dead hog. Not waiting to see the blood flow, Brain takes a second knife and fires another knife blade. This one pegs the pig right in the head. The pig offers no resistance.

Charging forward with his last knife, Brain is hardly a frightening figure, but he looks like he knows what he's doing. His coat flies out as he takes the knife and jams it the diaphragm of the pig. Yanking out the blade, he slices open the side of the neck, opening what would be the carotid and jugular arteries.

Deciding that the pig has enough, Brain slices across the belly but struggles to disembowel the animal.

Blood is all over the floor and Brain's white coat is a macabre mess of red and white. Colonel Trautman is characteristically unimpressed. "That knife could barely cut through the belly of that pig. How can it be of any use to you?"

Brain shrugs and wipes blood on his pants. "I don't know; the little fact that it's a range weapon helps. All you've got is a melee weapon. Our guys pull out their knives and Snake pulls the pin; there, dead."

The experts start to analyze the data. Max reads the numbers off of the speed measuring machine. "It looks like the blade did fifty two feet per second. Fast enough for me."

Armand points out the wounds. "The first blade went right through the heart. The second blade actually went through the pig's jaw, which is far thicker than the human jaw. While it's impressive that the blade has such penetrating power, it's not a kill shot. The pig's brain is still intact." He points to the slash across the belly. "This would be painful but this isn't a kill. The intestines are still intact and a hardened soldier like Rambo or Plissken could easily stitch this up themselves."

Announcer: _With testing complete, it's time for these two action hero heavyweights to dance with the devil!_

Hershe appears before the camera. "Snake is going to take this match. He's too strong to let anybody beat him and he's too ruthless to let anyone threaten his survival."

Trautman appears next. "I trained Rambo myself. He's like a son to me and I know him better than he knows himself. I prepared him for any battlefield circumstance."

Brain stands next to a box of donuts and he's helping himself. He swallows a bite of Boston cream and says, "I've said what I wanted to. What else do you want?"

Sheriff Teasle is shown from his bed in the hospital. They still haven't removed the melted toupee from his face. He just swears and curses incoherently. Well, at least he won't be able to complain that he didn't get a chance to speak with the rest of them.

Announcer: _Coming up, the fight of action heroes will begin, created by twenty first century science and knowhow. Let the fight begin._

Simulation:

The setting is a city, dilapidated, ruined and otherwise blasted to rubble. Skyscrapers stand like men who don't realize that they're dead already. Everything looks rusted or ruined, in this whole city; there isn't a thing that isn't whole or unbroken.

In this city, which was once called Toronto, nothing is moving. There is no wind and the river cutting through the concrete jungle only inches forward and never rushes as it should.

In the entire city, under the cover of night, there is something alive. A man moves along the rubble, his mouth and nose protected by a transparent gas mask that won't inhibit his speech. He has only one eye, but that eye is sharp as a scalpel and he moves as one with the mist. You could almost imagine that if you shot him the bullets would merely pass through his ethereal flesh.

S.D. "Snake" Plissken is on a mission. Much like his last mission, he's not on this one voluntarily. Good old Uncle Sam needs a hostage rescued and nobody else has the stones or the nimble brain to take care of the job. It's a long story but unless Plissken takes back a certain hostage within twenty four hours, they'll kill a certain woman who is very dear to him and who he realizes that he can't live without.

At least they were kind enough no to threaten his life this time with some cockamamie implanted killing device or other.

Plissken checks out the locator device on his wrist. The target is not far off. It's more critical than ever to be stealthy, especially considering who's doing the hostage taking.

Snake stops before what was once a restaurant and puts his ear to the ground. Nothing; he hears absolutely nothing. There is nobody approaching on foot, no vehicles. There isn't even the telltale sound of rats here. The very vermin have quit this city.

The hostage is being held by none other than John Rambo, the only man in the world crazy enough to try and to hide in this place. What destroyed this city did it so thoroughly that not even a single weed has survived.

What destroyed this city is still here in residual amounts that wax and wane like the lunar cycle. Snake needs to leave this city before the twenty four hour mark or else he'll fall prey to what turned a six million metropolis into a graveyard.

In his base camp, John Rambo is taciturn. For months he's been a man on the run, living in conditions that would have made the deplorable conditions of the Viet Cong seem like the Four Seasons.

He camps out at the base of the CN tower, now half destroyed. Pinned to the wall is Rambo's prisoner, who just so happens to be the famous Deadpool, the Merc with the mouth.

Deadpool really isn't having a whole lot of fun. He usually doesn't have fun when he's captured by a deranged psycho and held hostage for the information he's holding. Technically he's immortal, but when Rambo says that he's going to chop up Deadpool and burn every one of the pieces, the Merc with the mouth suddenly doesn't want to think about his odds of survival.

This zany mercenary has critical technical information that could mean world domination for the United States; unfortunately it will be obsolete in twenty-five hours. Hence Plissken's job.

As Snake makes his way through Toronto's desolate streets, he hits the first of Rambo's booby traps. Plissken freezes as he spots a trip wire only millimetres away from his foot. The man's eye widens and his steady pulse quickens.

Ideally, Snake would just step back gently and take to the abandoned rooftops for cover but fate is not so kind. Rambo's dug up part of the sidewalk so that it pivots like a little seesaw. The seesaw section of crumbling concrete tilts forward and Plissken's foot hits the wire.

With less than seconds to act, Plissken throws himself acrobatically backwards as the claymore mine blows its load across the street.

Plissken peeks from behind a building. He has some burn marks on his arm and his bulletproof coat is ruined but he shouldn't need it. Cradling his Ingram's machine gun, he adjusts the gun's rate of fire to where he wants it to be and flicks off the safety catch.

Back at camp, Rambo gets up from his threadbare chair and grabs his M-16 rifle and some ammo. On the wall, Deadpool decides to showcase his lack of an ability to keep quiet. "Hey, uh, Rambo; I don't mean to bitch but technically aren't you supposed to be one of the good guys?'

Rambo's head snaps towards Deadpool's direction as he finished loading himself with weapons. He makes no reply to the madman's question.

"I'm just saying that it kind of sucks here, pinned to the wall like—GAH!" Deadpool was cut off as Rambo ripped his throat out and left. Unlike other enemies, Rambo had a habit of ripping out Deadpool's vocal cords to shut him up, rather than put up with his insane drivel. Admittedly, being silent was the worst torture that Deadpool had ever endured.

Meanwhile, Snake Plissken stalks through the back alleys, attempting to avoid spots that are good for booby traps and ambushes. He's getting very close to the foot of the tower, right into the lion's den.

Plissken's instincts are on full throttle. He's been flipped into "on" position and the off switch is broken. It is then that Plissken has a premonition of sorts.

He flies behind cover just as the bullets begin to fly. The decaying concrete is ripped to shreds by automatic fire from an M-16 assault rifle.

Snake presses himself to the wall, taking care to avoid flying concrete shrapnel and bullets. It's a familiar weapon to Snake and he knows very well the ammo count; unless this guy has got extended clips.

After what seems like less than a second, the gunfire stops. Snake rapidly peers around the corner with his gun practically itching to be let loose on this guy.

There! On the third story of an old apartment complex, Plissken can just barely make out a figure in the moonlight. Not wanting to give his enemy a chance to reload, Snake opens up with his submachine gun.

The bullets he lets loose are much quieter than those of Rambo but they're no less deadly. Up in the third story, Rambo is nearly decapitated by a spray of bullets that go through the crumbling stucco facade.

Reloading his gun, Rambo blind fires out of the window using the sound of his enemies' silenced gun. It is an impossible feat for a normal man but Rambo hasn't been an ordinary man for a very long time.

Snake pauses to reconsider his strategy. He can throw like a major league baseball pitcher. Lugging a concussion grenade into the building shouldn't be a problem. Resting his thumb inside the pin, he waits for the enemy to make his move and hopefully use up his ammo. The tarry surface of the bomb feels comforting to his skin.

Rambo begins to fire with his M-16 again, the bullets rapidly whittling away at Snake's cover. Rather than use up his ammo, John Rambo pauses and waits for his enemy to make a move.

The smell of cordite is in the air; surprisingly it's the only discernable scent in this damn city. No reply comes from Rambo's adversary. The old warrior's instincts are triggered. At the instinctive level, Rambo knows that this is far from over. He's not enough of an optimist to think that the other man is dead.

Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Rambo can see something fly through the night. His skill is enough that he could shoot it out of the air with both eyes shut but shooting a hand grenade is never a good idea, particularly when you are in its killing range. Plissken has changed position right under Rambo's nose.

Rambo makes a strategic retreat. As the grenade smashes through the window next to the one he fired from, he jumps over the guard rail and plunges three stories down the stairwell.

For a moment, Rambo is in freefall. Then he hits the steps. His training allows his body to contort in a way to minimize the damage, but damaging pain still fires up his left leg. Damn it all to hell!

Upstairs, the grenade blows, utterly devastating everything on that floor. The bomb is near enough that it has Rambo's ears ringing.

Despite the ringing, Rambo's eyes work just fine. When he sees bullet holes form in the wall with him as the intended target, he throws himself to the ground.

Snake fires a spray of lead across where a man would be if he managed to survive a concussion bomb like that. He knows that his enemy is too good to be killed just like that, so he's not taking any chances; his luck isn't that good.

Rambo fires the next strike. He's discarded his assault rifle and he's going for something a little bigger this time.

As Snake moves in with his submachine gun, he is startled as an entire wall comes down. It's not hard with the building's state of disrepair. A cloud of mouldy drywall flies up and blocks Plissken's vision. Emptying the clip first into the cloud, Snake dives to cover to reload.

Before he can dive, Rambo comes out of the dust like the terminator from the flames. In his hands is an M-60 machine gun, a veritable hungry-man of a gun if there ever was one.

Showing no mercy, Rambo lets loose a storm of all American craftsmanship. Plissken rolls to the side and doesn't stop fleeing. With an empty gun and no bulletproof armour, the local cover won't protect him for more than a few seconds.

Plissken drops the Ingram's. From his back he draws a PKM machine gun, collector's edition. Rather than turn to face Rambo, he's going to try and run directly to his enemy's camp so that he can get the hostage and get out of here.

Firing a few more bursts, Rambo makes chase after Snake. Though he's been prematurely aged by his profession, Rambo is able to physically keep up with his younger enemy.

Stopping to take aim, Rambo has Plissken dead in his sights. All of one bullet should be enough to end it.

_Click._

Rambo's gun has misfired and he loses precious seconds getting it unjammed.

Plissken's more reliable weapon then answers. Rambo throws himself down a crack in the sewers to avoid being slain.

Seeing that his enemy has vanished, Plissken realizes that Rambo has the home turf advantage and decides to get back on track. In no time at all, he's found his way to the hostage, guided by his trusty locator device.

There pinned to a wall he finds Deadpool, as annoying as ever. "Snake Plissken! I heard you caught AIDS and died. Then I heard that they threw your body in a tank of hydrofluoric acid."

Snake growls humourlessly. "Everybody keeps telling me something to that effect." Without regard to the regenerating Merc's comfort, he starts to pry out the metal spikes in Deadpool's right arm.

Deadpool groans in pain as his right arm is freed. "Okay Snake, now get the rest."

To Deadpool's displeasure, Plissken ignored him and took point. This did not tickle the mercenary's fancy. "Uh, dude, kinda stuck here."

"Free yourself," was the crude reply.

"What the fuck! For a guy who inspired the _Metal Gear_ series you're a douche bag!"

"You're just mad because you were infected in marble zombies."

Deadpool's eyes widened. "Hey, did you just break the fourth wall? I'm supposed to do that, nobody else!"

Plissken tries to ignore Deadpool's ranting. He was worried before about Rambo sneaking up on him, now he can bet for sure that Rambo is heading this way. Only the dead and the deaf would have failed to miss Deadpool's fool mouth flying off.

When Deadpool starts complaining again, this time about a lousy author using him as a hostage, Snake shoots him in the throat.

Deadpool spits up blood as the bullet nearly blows his head off. "_Bastard,_" he mouths.

Rambo enters his lair from a hidden entrance in the sewers. He's been living in this city for a while now and he's gotten to know a surprisingly large amount of it. He waves his M-60 to and fro.

He can hear a gurgling, it sounds like Deadpool. By now the madman's throat should be healed, unless somebody else showed up and gave him another injury.

From around the corner rolls a MK3A2 grenade. The pin on the device has been pulled. With the skill of a pro soccer player, Rambo kicks the bomb back where it came. The explosion rips through a wall and crushes Deadpool in concrete rubble.

Under the rubble, Deadpool grumbles, "Fuck my life."

Dazed, Rambo gets up and spins his gun in a wide arc. The guy who threw it must certainly be dead. Wait!

A second grenade was rolling towards Rambo. Again, he kicked it, farther this time. The concussive blast went off and destroyed more of the building. If this kept up the entire tower was going to fall on their heads. Rambo had to find his enemy.

He runs towards the room where he'd kept Deadpool captive. Everything is nearly destroyed.

Suddenly, Plissken swings down from the ceiling and kicks Rambo in the chest. The former Green Beret goes flying backwards and fires his gun haphazardly.

Snake brings his gun to bear on Rambo. Instinctively, the PKM is kicked out of Snake's hands by Rambo.

Rambo too tries to fire with his machine gun but Snake is on him before he can get a shot off. Powerfully, Plissken throws a punch into Rambo's face, followed up by another one.

A knee to the stomach knocks Plissken off his enemy, doubled over with pain.

Picking himself up, Rambo reaches into his belt and grabs the trench knife. He lunges for Snake but steel is blocked by Steel.

With eyes full of fury, Plissken holds back Rambo's blade with the ballistics knife; both men strain against the other, their mighty arms flexing.

Suddenly, they throw one another back and they snap up, ready to go at it again. They circle one another slowly. Like two chess masters, they visualize all possible moves before they make it.

In the background, Deadpool has gotten up. Instead of doing anything useful, like help one of the fighters, he's decided to strap one of his swords to his crotch and thrust his hips obscenely and singing about pirates.

Rambo and Plissken lunge at each other. Two men who should not be enemies are fighting to the death. It's not a question of right; it's a question of might.

Then as their blades lock again, something comes over the two men. What destroyed this city was something horrible and it strikes it cyclically. Now it seems that this awful weapon will strike Plissken and Rambo a little early.

Pupils dilate, blood vessels constrict and either man is caught in the grip of unspeakable terror. It's an awful knife twist in the gut that makes grown men want to run screaming in the night.

It's not the kind of fear that makes you run. This kind of fear makes you defend yourself at the expense of everything else. This fear turned the city of Toronto into a charnel house.

Snake and Rambo both give into the fear. They attack with their knives, but this time their motions are frenzied and lacking their earlier grace.

Rambo's eyes are wide, like those of a spooked horse. Plissken can see things. He sees a horde of venomous pekkantulas. Whatever those are.

Suddenly the two warriors wrapped in fear's tentacles collide like forces of nature. Not letting go of their blades, each man grabs the throat of the other.

Rambo and Snake look each other in the face and neither man has a single rational thought in his head. Like madmen, they foam at the mouth and shout gibberish; merely shadows of their usual selves.

The knife blades get closer to their targets. Each man is closer to mutual destruction. For longer than could be expected, Rambo survived the aftermath of the weapon but now he's been caught in the open.

As suddenly as it happened, the fear lets go. Both of the men feel their fear vanish and their higher minds return to them. They are now once again human.

Since they are soldiers, they haven't stopped trying to kill each other. Plissken, as he always does, has a little trick up his sleeve.

With his thumb he yanks out the pin on the ballistics knife. The blade shoots out and goes right through Rambo's skull. Snake is the winner.

_**SNAKE WINS!**_

Stats:

Plissken: 569 kills

Ballistics Knife: 9 kills

MK3A2 Concussion Grenade: 150 kills

PKM Machine Gun: 170 kills

Ingrams MC-10 : 240 kills

Rambo: 431 kills

Trench knife: 8 kills

Claymore Mine: 163 kills

M-60 Machine Gun: 96 kills

M-16 Assault Rifle: 164 kills

Brain gloats before the camera. "So, Plissken won. My bookie owes me two thousand." He should spend it on dry cleaning for his white overcoat that isn't so white anymore.

Colonel Trautman is disappointed but takes the results with dignity. "I'm still not convinced that Plissken is the better soldier, but all the same, congratulations." He snaps a salute to the hosts of the show.

Hershe smiles her pearly whites. "The better man has won. Snake couldn't have pulled half the shit he did if he wasn't."

Max enters to explain the cause of Snake's victory. "Snake and Rambo both had very powerful weapons. The difference lay in that Plissken's weapons were more reliable and less prone to mechanical failure."

Armand goes next. "Rambo had deadly weapons but for the most part, Plissken had deadlier weapons. No matter what, I still wouldn't want to get into a fight with Rambo."

Geoff gets the final word. "Both of these guys are badasses but the proof is in the pudding. Snake Plissken is the deadliest warrior."

* * *

Thank you for reading everybody :D I'm glad you enjoyed this and I hope that you don't disagree too badly with the results; I don't need any bricks flying through my windows from angry Rambo fans. This stuff is not an exact science.

Next time we've got a very special squad match set up. I'll be pitting the famous Mandalore warriors of the Star Wars Universe against Halo's Spartan III soldiers, inheritors to the legacy of the Spartan II's.

Like last time, place your bets.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	5. Mandalores vs Spartan IIIs

Deadliest Warrior: Mandalores vs. Spartan IIIs

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or the Halo franchise. Both of these things that have enriched our popular culture are owned by somebody else. Probably George Lucas and Bungie.

* * *

Announcer: _The Mandalores_

The camera shows an image of a Mandalore warrior, dressed in their distinct armour with their trademark "t" shaped visor. The warrior brandishes a large blaster rifle.

_The most powerful warriors in the galaxy, second only to the Jedi Knights. _

Then the camera shows images of a squad of Mandalore warriors battling a squad of Sith warriors. The Mandalores take cover before blasting the overconfident Sith to oblivion with a well placed thermal detonator.

Announcer: _The Spartan IIIs_

A Spartan III stands before the camera armed with an assault rifle. The powerful super soldier packs an assault rifle.

Cut to images of Spartan IIIs undergoing the physical augmentation process that makes them superhuman.

_Conceived as the inheritors of the Spartan IIs legacy, the III's were designed to be a more team oriented, numerically superior Spartan that was easier to produce. _

Announcer: _Using twenty first century technology, our team of experts will evaluate weapons and tactics and compare these two very different warriors. _

_Black belt and biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulin will handle the measuring of the physical prowess of the two warriors. _

Geoff stands before the camera. "This is going to be one hell of a match because these warriors are both right there at the top in their respective universes."

_Computer master Max Geiger will handle the processing of the data gathered. _

"This is going to be a battle of willpower versus willpower. The Mandalores are given from birth the kind of elite level training that was given to the likes of the Master Chief. The Spartan IIIs started much later in life and I think that's going to tilt this thing in the Mandalores favour."

_Fight doctor and former ER physician Armand Dorian will judge the lethality of the wounds dished out today. _

"I'm going to have to give the edge to the Spartans in this one. Their augmentation has made them more than human; it's increased their reflexes three hundred percent among other things" Armand says. "Also, they are all recruited from orphans of the human-covenant war so they're driven by a need for revenge."

Announcer: _Representing the Mandalores is the famous bounty hunter, Boba Fett and Jedi Knight Jaina Solo._

Boba Fett stands in front of the camera. Totally covered by his father's Mandalore armour, Fett is an enigma. Armed to the teeth and beyond with all manner of deadly gadgets, Fett has killed just about any type of creature in the galaxy at one time or another. He's the kind of man who'd look the Master Chief straight in the eye and say, "Sorry, but I'm really not impressed."

Jaina is a gorgeous female Jedi with brown hair and fair skin. The only part of her that's not beautiful is her eyes. Those eyes have seen slaughter and betrayal on a scale that could crush the sanity of lesser beings. They're large and soulful and tell that while compassionate, this Jedi knight is more than capable of taking lives.

Announcer: _Standing in for team Spartan is Chief Franklin Mendez and Spartan III Emile-A239._

Chief Mendez is the man who trained both generations of Spartan super soldiers. He's an older man with a bald head and dark skin, but he moves with the grace and power of an elite warrior of the UNSC. Emile is dressed from head to foot in the black armour of the Spartan IIIs. His face is obscured by a helmet with a skull painted across the visor. Two bandoliers of shotgun shells are crossed on his chest.

Announcer: _It will be a battle of opposites._ _A battle of an ancient warrior culture . . ._

A group of young Mandalores are shown being educated martial arts techniques used by the ancient Mandalorian crusaders.

_Versus a futuristic super soldier program_

A Spartan III coldly waits on a metal table as multiple chemicals and concoctions are injected into his blood through long, nasty needles.

_Indomitable warrior spirit_

Mandalore warriors fight against the fanatical Yuuzon Vong, outnumbered forty to one and still holding out.

_Versus insatiable need for vengeance_

A squad of Spartan IIIs deliver a bomb to the heart of a covenant ship. The bomb explodes, killing all of the covenant on board and the Spartans with them. Their mission objective has been completed.

_When the two warriors collide—_

A Spartan III aims his assault rifle at a Mandalorian, who cuts the utilitarian gun in half with a heavy bladed weapon.

_We will go all out—_

A Mandalore throws a grenade at a group of Spartan IIIs, destroying their active camouflage with the flash from the bomb.

_No rules, no safety, no mercy!_

_All in the quest to answer the question_

_Who_

_Is_

_**DEADLIEST!**_

At the fight club, things are getting heated up. Mendez is checking the status of his weapons. Emile takes a sniper rifle and aims it at the camera in a dramatic shot. Meanwhile, Boba Fett is pounding on a practice dummy with his fists. Janie wields a massive blade weapon as if it were made of plastic.

Stats:

Spartan III-weapons: MA5C Assault rifle, Spiker grenade, Sniper Rifle System 99D-S2, Flame thrower

Armour: Semi-Powered Infiltration Mark II armour

Era: 2552 CE-battle of Onyx

Mandalore-weapons: Mandalore heavy repeater, Atomic compression grenade, EE-3 Carbine rifle, Beskad

Armour: Mandalore Shock Trooper armour

Era: 28 ABY-Battle of Ebaq 9

Before testing starts, the camera talks briefly to our experts. Jaina Solo is first. "I've trained under Boba Fett and I fought with the Mandalores in both the Yuuzong Vong wars and the Second Galactic Civil War. With a bit of help from Boba, I'm five times as deadly as I was before." At the last part she doesn't sound too proud and her voice is a bit hollow.

Emile has never been one for interacting with non Spartans. "No comment," he covers the lens with his gloved hand.

Announcer: _Testing begins with short range weapons. _

The crew are once again standing outside in the outdoor gun testing range, located in the middle of a rocky desert. In front of everyone, Sergeant Mendez is showing off the MA5C assault rifle. "This fine piece of UNSC craftsmanship was first introduced after the battle of Instillation 01, otherwise known as Delta Halo."

Fett is inscrutable behind his mask and Jaina Solo is similarly unreadable.

"It's a gas operated projectile weapon with upgraded and shielded software that counts ammo, automatically maintains the weapon from structural damage and hooks up to the user's helmet to give a targeting reticule."

"It has a modified cowl to house the electronics and reduce weight, a heavier barrel with a one in seven twist and better hand grip for superior accuracy over earlier models."

Geoff, impressed by the demonstration of the blocky weapon, starts to explain the firing test. "Okay Sergeant, we've got a firing range with a single target. A pig on a motorized base will roll across your field of view. In the way are a bunch of dummies that represent civilians."

Geoff points at the dead pig hanging from a rope. "That pig represents a Mandalore and you have to kill him without harming the civilians. Can you do that?"

Mendez grins at the biomedical expert. "I could do that in my sleep."

Soon the test is set up. The pig is ready to roll and Mendez has got his weapon locked and loaded. His ammo counter reads full and his glasses feed him data about the weapon's condition.

Geoff stands with the almighty stopwatch. "Mendez, get ready in 3. 2... 1 KILL THE BASTARD!"

The pig starts rolling and almost immediately, Mendez begins to spray bullets into the pig flesh. Bullets strike the pig, punching small neat holes in the front and gaping, torn openings in the back.

As the roller takes the target behind a civilian, Mendez fires off a last shot before the target is totally hidden behind the dummy.

The pig barely starts peeking out from the blank faced dummy, the drill Sergeant begins blasting again. The pig sneaks past two more targets before the gun is empty. Mendez removes the empty magazine and the analysis can begin.

The three hosts survey the pig. Each bullet punched a grapefruit sized hole in the back of the pig, so it looks like the entire one side of the pig has been sloppily hacked away by a giant blade.

Emile formally explains. "The target has been eliminated."

Max laughs at Emile's understatement. "That's one way of putting it, skull man."

Armand examines what remains of the pig. "I used to treat wounds like this when I served on a base on Onyx. The bullets are designed to fragment and destroy a wide band of internal organs inside the body. Definitely terminated."

Geoff points to the front of the pig, where all the neat little holes are. "Nice grouping. I wouldn't want to play darts with you."

Fett then points out something. "You grazed one of the dummies over there."

Quickly, the gang realizes that the Fett man is correct. Armand points to the side of one of the dummies. "You got him; just barely a graze. This might possibly be a broken rib."

"But he's still alive," Mendez points out.

Announcer: _Now it's time for the Mandalores to take their assault weapon to battle. The Mandalore heavy repeater; first developed during the war with the Sith Empire, this weapon fires a hail of deadly blaster bolts at all who stand before it._

Boba Fett has his repeater in ready position and the targeting device on his helmet is down. The battle hardened bounty hunter is still as a statue.

Geoff gives the all-go. "Okay Boba. In 3... 2... 1... FIRE!"

The pig goes off and Fett wastes no time. A spray of red blaster bolts rains down on the pig. It doesn't take long before the pig carcass starts to smoke and the three hosts can smell roasting pork.

When the test is done, the pig no longer looks like a pig. Geoff is totally wowed by the devastation. "Look at that pig; it's like a piece of charcoal." Indeed, the ham looks like it was left to cook too long.

Max jabs a finger at where the bolts struck the body; but not too close, he can still feel the heat. "I can see that the shots are in a much tighter bunch than with the assault rifle."

Jaina then speaks up for her partner. "Also, Boba didn't hit any of the civilians."

Mendez and his silent companion try to defend themselves. "Hey, I killed the target. Also, the assault rifle is highly effective against unshielded opponents; and the Mandalores are unshielded opponents."

But the facts speak for themselves. Geoff gives the skinny to everybody. "Sorry Mendez, you're a great shot, but even with genetic augmentations Fett was still able to get better accuracy than you. The edge goes to the Mandalores on this one."

Edge: the Mandalores

Announcer: _Each warrior is renowned for their deadly skill and they show that skill brilliantly with their use of explosive weapons. _

The Camera cuts to a scene from the UNSC-Covenant War. A squad of Brutes make their way through a ruined hallway on a UNSC frigate.

_During the war with the covenant, Spartan IIIs low on ammo would not hesitate to use the weapons of their enemies. _

Suddenly, the lead brute is struck by a grenade that sticks to his armour. The leader panics before the grenade kills him and half his troops.

Announcer: _The Spiker Grenade, a deadly grenade that showers its targets with deadly crystal shrapnel. _

Emile now holds up a Brute Spiker Grenade. He is quick and clinical in his explanation. "This is the spiker grenade. When the button is depressed on the base of the handle, the bomb is armed. When thrown, it will stick to whatever surface it hits. After that, a four second count down starts. The explosion fragments the entire grenade, including the handle; so you get the increased range of a handled grenade without the reduction of killing power."

Announcer: _To make the test more accurate, the test dummies have been fitted with actual Mandalore armour. _

The three Mandalore dummies are positioned inside a prefab durasteel structure. Emile will have to pitch a grenade through a small opening replicating a door.

Max has the stop watch and is ready to get rocking. "Emile, 3... 2... 1... THROW IT!"

Wasting no time, the skull masked Spartan III presses the activation button and throws the brutal looking grenade like a pro.

The bomb flies right through the opening and sticks to the far wall. Four seconds pass by and the thing explodes. A hail of crystal shrapnel tear through the dummies and it paints the entire room in fake blood.

The guys laugh at the carnage as they inspect the damage. Max reads over the shock pads. "The pads aren't tripped. There's no concussive blast."

Emile nods. "That's right; the bomb uses a magnetic burst instead of a chemical explosion to generate destructive force. So not only is it much stealthier than a regular grenade, it also has a bad effect on electromagnetic equipment."

Armand points out the shrapnel damage. "If you'll notice here, the Mandalore Iron was strong enough that none of the metal plates were penetrated. The only reason they're dead is that there's so much shrapnel every joint in the armour was pierced, especially the neck area."

Announcer: _Now comes time to test the Mandalores explosive of choice. _

Jaina Solo holds up a silvery sphere with a small dial on the top. "This is an atomic compression grenade. Basically it's a scaled down atomic bomb. The Mandalores used these when thermal detonators failed to penetrate the living crab plate armour of the Yuuzan Vong. This dial here can be used to control the blast power and time to detonation."

Geoff looks over the device approvingly. "Okay Jiana, how about you show us what you can do."

As before, a prefab building has been set up using standard UNSC building materials. Inside the three dummies have been placed in the working armour of the Spartan IIIs.

Mendez gives a quick rundown of the armour system. "That's the SPI Mark II armour. It's an armour system that unlike the MJOLNIR armour is designed primarily for stealth and infiltration."

He runs a finger down Emile's armour for emphasis. "This armour is lined with photo-reactive panels that mimic a wide variety of environments and textures and features a layer of liquid nano-crystals that provide better protection than three centimetres of Kevlar diamond weave."

Jaina points out a flaw with the armour. "After each hit, the photo plates need to reset; especially after an energy splash. Also, it only provides the user with seven minutes of breathable air versus the Mandalore armour's two hour air reserve."

Mendez is amused. "That two hour air reserve won't help you when we put hot lead in your brains."

Announcer: _With everything set, all that's left is the go ahead. _

Jaina waits, atomic compression grenade in hand. Geoff gives the countdown. "3... 2... 1... FOR MANDALORE!"

The atomic compression grenade is thrown and the results are considerably more spectacular than the spiker grenade. The whole building is blown to bits; the walls fly apart and head for the directions of the four winds. The SPI armour is sent flying outwards in pieces. A helmet with the head still inside it bounces off the bullet proof shield of the blast wall the guys are hiding behind.

As the destruction passes, Jaina looks very pleased with herself. Walking past a stunned Mendez, she says nothing. She only gives him a playful little wink.

The three hosts go over the data. Geoff starts first. "So guys, atomic compression versus spiker."

Max is clear. "I'm definitely going with the atomic compression. That thing kicks all kinds of ass."

Armand is of a similar mind. "I agree. Even though the spiker grenade had the deadly shrapnel effect, it lacks the concussive kill power of other grenades."

Geoff knows what he must do. "So we're clear then?"

Edge: Mandalores

Announcer: _Half way through the show and things are really heating up_

The camera zooms in on Boba Fett, who is currently flipping bantha burgers on a propane barbecue inside the club.

_The intensity is picking up_

Jaina Solo and Armand Dorian are having an arm wrestle. While determined, the former ER doctor is no match for the female Jedi.

_As the long range weapons are brought into the play_

Mendez holds up a big sniper rifle and tries to shoot an errant mosquito. A well placed gunshot reduces the blood sucking bug into nothing. Emile applauds.

The three hosts and the guests are now standing in front of a field of tall grasses. Emile carries a Sniper rifle S99D-S2. Boba Fett handles an EE-3 Carbine rifle. The sniper rifle is a master of long range weapons, able to easily over penetrate armoured and energy shielded targets such as low level Covenant Elites. Fett's weapon is a modified storm trooper blaster modified for superior accuracy and power.

Before long, Geoff shines forth with his bright manner. "Okay guys, this is a test of both your long range weapons and your marksmanship."

Max takes it from there. "Instead of having you guys shoot pig carcasses or ballistics dummies, for the first time on the show we'll have live, moving targets."

Armand finishes off the demonstration. "We've brought you guys to _Duck Hunt_!"

On cue, a large smiling dog bounds over to Max's side, where he begins unstoppably petting and cuddling it.

From behind their masks, Fett and Emile just look at each other as if to silently say, "_What the fuck is this shit?_"

The test begins; the dog sniffs the ground and then happily jumps into the tall grass. There is no need for the stopwatch this time. Emile pops a four round clip into the lengthy sniper rifle; a digital feed transmits data into his helmet about the state of the gun.

Suddenly a duck comes flying out of the marsh. It doesn't get far before a well placed fin stabilized sabot round sends the water fowl to hell.

The dog pops up and holds out the dead duck for all to see, but Emile doesn't notice. He's in Spartan time, where everything moves super slowly and the target stands out as if wearing a neon vest.

Three more ducks come out of the marsh; they barely make it before they're all gunned down by the Spartan.

Suddenly, before he can reload, a dozen more ducks come flying from the marsh. Emile moves rapidly, reloading and emptying the clip with superhuman speed. The dozen ducks are rapidly reduced to one.

It looks like it's getting away, but not for long. Emile has one bullet left; he takes his time, get aim and ... bang. No more duck.

The guys all pull off their protective ear wear and laugh heartily at this incredible display of marksmanship. Truly Emile is a master of the craft of war

Now it's Fett's turn, the unstoppable, emotionless bounty hunter whose name strikes fear into the hearts of criminals. Quickly, the masked Mandalore scans the HUD in his helmet to see that everything is in order. Everything checks out as the dog jumps into the high grass and the ducks start coming.

Lowering the pineal targeting device on his helmet, Fett opens up with a hail of blaster fire. Red blaster bolts take down duck after duck. The faceless man tracker shoots with the same steady hands as a droid.

But somehow, for some reason, his shots seem to be with less ease than those fired by Emile. The shots are less accurate, if only by a millimetre but in battle with foes as mighty as the Spartans, millimetres count.

The guys watch Fett as he sends more ducks to their doom. Jaina politely asks Mendez, "Nervous, sergeant?"

Mendez laughs at the lady Jedi. "Hell no, mam; I'm just waiting for that fool to slip up. After all, he's only human."

True to Mendez's prediction, Fett misses a duck, even though he has the advantage of not needing to load his weapon.

Never one to do anything half way. Fett fires his last shot and kills the duck that he missed.

Fett turns toward the dog, who is now laughing at the bounty hunter. The pooch is laughing because Boba missed and Emile did not.

Like hell Fett is going to let this two bit mutt laugh at him. Quickly, he activates a control inside his helmet that triggers the poisoned rocket darts in his knee pads.

The dog stops laughing when a poison rocket dart hits it in the throat. The mutt whimpers for a second before falling like a tree in the forest. It lies down in the mud, its eyes aren't blinking and its tongue is lolling out.

Max cries out in shock. "Holy shit, dude! You just killed the dog! What the hell am I going to tell my cousin now?"

Geoff and Armand look at each other. Geoff mumbles to Armand. "Shouldn't have taunted the bounty hunter."

Armand agrees. "Yeah, besides, Fett disintegrated Chuck Norris. You don't mess with a man like that."

After Max calmed down after the death of the dog, he and his two pals get together to discuss who's deadlier. Armand goes first. "This is a close one."

Geoff nods. "You got that right. This might be one of the closest matches between sniping weapons on the show."

"Yeah, but there was a lead; Emile was slightly more accurate. Now, both he and Fett have specialized targeting equipment in their helmets. In fact Fett's helmet has even more sophisticated tracking equipment than Emile has, which makes Emile's victory all the more impressive."

There's no doubt anymore who's the better shot.

Edge: Spartan IIIs

Announcer: _The Mandalores have taken the lead in both explosive and short range weapons while the Spartan IIIs have proven their superior mettle with the sniper rifle. Now it's time for special weapons, and then onto the main fight!_

In the fight lab, the tension is palpable between the two sides, each one eager to prove their superiority.

Mendez explains to the camera. "I know the Spartan IIIs will win; there's no doubt in my mind. I trained them and they're not afraid to die. In fact, they have a death wish. Like the code of Bushido says, 'if you go into battle hoping to live, you will die. If you go into battle expecting to die, you will live."

Boba Fett has a different idea from the sergeant. His cold voice sends chills up the spine of all who listen. "I'm not afraid of the Spartan IIs incestuous cousins. I've personally killed a Spartan II under the command of the Master Chief himself. Took me months of planning and every dirty trick I had, but I respect what they can do." And it was the most lucrative bounty Fett ever took.

He shifts his cape slightly to show off his gun better. "The Spartan IIIs were created with cost cutting in mind. When you cut costs, the only way you can win is with numbers. They will not have numerical superiority in this fight."

With the targets set up, the two sides show off their special weapons. Emile hauls around a gigantic flame thrower with a shark design painted on the sides.

Jaina Solo wields a gigantic blade, forty-two centimetres long and curved up at the tip.

Behind his visor, Emile eyes the hefty blade that has a peculiar lustre in the light. "Isn't that heavy?" he asks.

Jaina replies evenly and points at the flame thrower. "Isn't that heavy?" Classic Solo humour.

The hosts look at the weapons expecting to be impressed. It seems that they will not be disappointed. Max goes first. "Okay guys, can you tell us a bit about your weapons?"

Jaina is courteous to her Spartan rival. "Please, you go first."

Emile nods imperceptibly and wastes no time. "This is the M7057 Flamethrower. It launches a semi-liquid flammable fuel whose formula and name are classified. It has a range of three hundred feet and if you knew the name of the fuel I'd have to kill you."

Geoff is duly impressed. "Nice piece; so Jaina, what do you call that?"

Jaina raises what must be a very heavy weapon. "This is a beskad, a traditional Mandalorian blade that dates back thousands of years. Its name comes from the metal it's forged from, beskar; otherwise known as Mandalore iron."

Mendez is quite amused by the beskad. "You're bringing a knife to a gunfight. You've already lost."

Jaina smiles coyly at Mendez. "Sergeant, please let the results speak for themselves." As she says this, she raises the tip of the weapon towards the drill sergeant.

Mendez is unworried. "I think I'll take my ranged weapon over your melee weapon any day."

The Solo has another witty retort. "Look at how heavy that weapon is. Your superman can barely lift it. Do you need a hand?"

Emile misses the sarcasm and taunting. "Negative ma, I'm fine."

Geoff puts an end to the pissing match. "Okay, everything is set up. Let's just go and see the test of deadliness; good with that?"

Announcer: _To test the scorching power of the flame thrower, four targets have been dressed up in authentic Mandalore armour. _

Max Geiger fits the inside of each suite of armour with a heat detector which will broadcast internal temperature readings to the computer.

The firing location is outdoors, since firing a flamethrower indoors would be an extremely stupid idea.

Emile is pushing the flame thrower around on a cart; kind of like a shopping cart on steroids. These flamethrowers are very heavy. Even the Master Chief had to work to pick up one of these babies with any speed.

The test is set to commence. Geoff calls to Emile. "Spartan, are you ready?" It's starting to feel a bit like the movie _300_ out here.

Emile fires up the pilot light on the weapon and reads the fuel gauge. He aims the weapon, not that much accuracy is needed with this beast.

"In 3... 2... 1... TOAST!"

A jet of fire shoots forward. The heat can be felt by the hosts many metres away. The targets in Mandalore armour don't stand a chance. In less than seconds the lot of them are up like flames.

Max reads the temperature sensors on his computer. "Okay, we're getting awfully high. The people in that armour have got some second degree burns but they're still alive."

A massive explosion shocks everyone. A dummy has blown to bits. Like dominoes, the test dummies all start blowing up.

One of the dummies loses its head from an exploding jet pack. The flaming helmet flies up in an arc and starts to fly downwards towards the crew.

Geoff screams for everyone to run. Right before the flaming head is about to hit Max, it stops in mid air.

Max looks around, shaking like a leaf. Lucky for him that Jaina used her Jedi powers to stop the flying, flaming head; otherwise Max wouldn't be having too much fun.

The team reviews the data. Max gushes. "That was amazing. The cooling system in the armour actually kept the wearer alive; injured but alive."

Armand pipes up. "Yeah, it was the exploding jet packs that did them in. That thing isn't made of beskar; just duraplast and other less sturdy materials."

Geoff is truly impressed. "I've seen one of these flamethrowers kill everyone inside a Warthog; no laughing matter."

Announcer: _Now it's time to put to the test the Mandalores flesh carver. _

Max has his doubts, as does Armand. "I don't see how a sword can compare with a flame thrower."

Armand voices his concerns. "Even though it didn't kill the Mandalores, they still got second degree burns all over their bodies. That will debilitate at the very least."

Jaina chides the boys. "Don't make suppositions before you've seen the facts."

In front of her is a ballistics gel torso that wears a Spartan III SPI chest plate. The dummy is modified to reflect the density of the Spartan IIIs superhuman muscular toughness and bone density.

The woman Jedi is ready. Geoff once more gives the command. "3... 2... 1... SLICE AND DICE!"

Despite the weight of the weapon, Jaina does not use her Jedi powers. She takes a swing and slices across the armoured larynx, nearly slicing to the bone.

Next, Jaina winds back for another swing and stabs into the heart, cutting through ribs as hard as steel and through the UNSC bullet and blaster proof armour.

The blade however gets stuck in the armour and Jiana struggles to get it free. The Jedi struggles but is unable to free the blade; the test is called to a halt.

Armand matter of factly gives the stats. "This guy's dead. The slashed throat isn't instantly fatal for a Spartan but it is a slow kill. This guy may take anywhere from five to twenty minutes to die, depending on various factors."

"The blade through the heart though, that's an instant kill; all the more impressive that the blade went through the armour."

Mendez is not impressed. "It still can't hold a candle to the flamethrower."

Geoff agrees with Mendez. "We hear you chief. The flamethrower has range and it's also deadly, but we can't underestimate the beskad."

Edge: Spartan IIIs

Announcer: _With testing complete, it's time for the event that you've all been waiting for. Time for Mandalores to go head to head with Spartan IIIs in a squad on squad battle. _

_It's show time!_

* * *

Simulation:

Mandalores: 5

Spartan IIIs: 5

In the void of space, a battle rages. The forces of the United Nations Space Command and the Yuuzan Vong fight it out above the steampunk planet of Aegis IIV. The technophobic Vong find this world particularly heinous since the whole planet is filled with iron and bronze engines powered by steam, heated by anti-matter reactions.

In the planet's atmosphere, Yuuzan Vong organic coral skippers duke it out in supersonic aerial dogfights with UNSC hornets and indigenous steam powered beetle flyers.

In the turbulent sky, a long zeppelin flies. The tesla cannons aboard are firing; aimed valiantly by their gun crews, but the captain and all bridge crew are dead.

The flying behemoth obliviously floats towards its doom in the form of one of Aegis IIV's mega mountains. It will crash if it is not shot down first.

Speeding towards the zeppelin is a Mandalore stealth craft. These mercenary warriors have been hired by an anonymous client to retrieve a UNSC prototype bomb carried aboard the zeppelin. Failure is not an option.

When the ship gets close enough, the Mandalores leap off and their jet packs kick in. The heavily armoured warriors zip towards the lighter than air craft like blood drinking insects towards prey.

At the exact same time, a UNSC pelican dodges enemy and friendly fire alike as the olive green ship races to the unmanned zeppelin. Inside, a crew of five Spartan IIIs are after the same bomb as the Mandalores. The highly experimental thalaron bomb will prove very useful against the Yuuzan Vong's purely biotic technology.

The dropship hovers over top of the speeding zeppelin. The Spartans all drive out with military precision. They are armed to the teeth; they've ever brought a flamethrower with them to clear out any Vong war beasts.

Like a row of battle droids, the Spartans activate their armour's stealth mode and file into the top entrance of the great gas bag before the pelican is shot down by enemy craft. No matter, the Spartans will find another way out.

The Mandalores prowl the hallways of the zeppelin, stepping over the bodies of the dead crew and ruthlessly cutting down any Vong that get in their way.

The Spartans prefer to sneak past the Yuuzan Vong warriors. They avoid fighting wherever possible; it would only slow them down.

Since they are unable to access the computer systems, they split up; hoping to quicken the search/

The team marksman has reached the munitions storage bay, a vast containment area large enough to house a modern day aircraft carrier. Somewhere in all the mess of dislodged ammo and burning flames is the bomb.

A drop of hundreds of feet lies before him. It's not impossible given his armour and augmentations; but it's better to look before leaping. And look he does, through the scope of his sniper rifle.

It's not long before the Spartan Sniper spots a target. "Hostile spotted mark zero, four, seven, beta," he utters into the communicator.

A Mandalore is trying to access the ship's anachronistic but strangely futuristic computer system in hopes of finding a clue to the target's location.

A large calibre bullet from a sniper rifle ends the Mandalore's search. The shot avoids the impenetrable beskar of the helmet and strikes the Mandalore in the visor.

Mandalores: 4

Spartan IIIs: 5

Quickly, the sniper Spartan scans for any more hostiles. He quickly finds another Mandalore, but this one is prepared. The Mandalore is aiming her EE-3 carbine rifle at the Spartan. His active camouflage poses no problems for her helmet sensors to detect.

Before the super soldier can react, she squeezes the trigger and fires a blaster bolt right through the scope of the sniper rifle and into the Spartan's eye.

By reflex, the Spartan's hand shoots to his eye, but his body doesn't know that he's already dead.

Mandalores: 4

Spartan IIIs: 4

The female Mandalore briefly checks the ammo counter on her HUD and gets to cover. There, she sends the word to her fellow Mandalores; they have company aboard this vessel and it's not the Vong.

In the officer's meeting room, a male Mandalore frustratedly rifles through paper after paper. Who the hell uses paper in this day and age? Damn steampunk planet.

Suddenly, he puts a hand to his ear as he received the communiqué from the team commander, the female Mandalore.

Like the Spartans, the Mandalores split up as soon as they thought they'd killed all the Yuuzan Vong aboard.

Suddenly, he finds a document that might reveal where the bomb is located and it's not in the munitions bay.

Before he can contact his comrades, his three hundred and sixty degree helmet motion detectors pick up something. It's closing in fast and he just has time to drop the paper and get his heavy repeater in proper stance.

Through the door of the room comes flying a spiker grenade. Reacting quickly, the Mandalore flips over the board room table and takes cover.

The wood and brass table does little to stop the deadly crystalline shards. The Mandalore grits his teeth in pain as crystal shards bury themselves in the gaps of the armour in his left leg and up the left side of his breast plate.

Like invisible lightning, a Spartan III shoots through the door. The Spartan is like a ghost, the wounded Mandalore is unable to hit the target.

Like a predator closing in for the kill, the Spartan jumps towards the Mandalore and picks him up. The Spartan tries to break the Mandalore's neck, but internal armour in the neck prevents that.

Not to be deterred, the Spartan III takes her assault rifle and empties half the clip into the Mandalore's neck. Black blood sprays everywhere and the Mandalore falls dead.

Mandalores: 3

Spartan IIIs: 4

Evidently this one was male but not human. It's of no concern to the Spartan III what species her foe is nor that the Mandalores are many species. All that matters is the mission.

Scanning the room with her superhuman brain, the Spartan finds the document that Mandalore was viewing. She now knows where the target is.

In the mess hall, one of the Mandalores has hacked into the Spartans communication grid. He passes on the information to the rest of his team and is on his way.

As easily as opening the mess hall door, the Mandalore throws an atomic compression grenade down the hall.

The explosion rocks the metal frame of the zeppelin, which is now not far from hitting that mega mountain.

In the hallway, a Spartan III managed to avoid the deadly bomb but now the active camouflage plates in his armour are totally fried.

The Mandalore who threw the grenade now appears from behind the door and opens fire with the heavy repeater.

The Spartan returns fire but his bullets ping harmlessly off the Mandalore armour.

By contrast, the heavy repeater makes Swiss cheese of the SPI armour.

The Spartan falls like a tree; the limbs don't bend and it makes a great deal of noise.

Mandalores: 3

Spartan IIIs: 3

The two sides are converging. The three Spartan IIIs race down the hallways. Leading the group was the one pushing the flamethrower; the wheels of the cart crushing the bodies of the fallen, including one Mandalore.

The bomb is in the engine room, hidden inside a false wall panel. The bomb was supposed to have been delivered to one of the planet's royal military bases but the Vong invasion came early.

The Spartans burst into the engine room; a nightmarish inferno of anti-matter steam engines, poor lighting and chugging pistons. Every few seconds, a great burst of steam would spray everywhere and obscure all from sight.

The enormous heat of the engine room causes a near overload of the thermal cloaking devices on the SPI armour and the steam bursts renders their active camouflage useless.

This was the perfect place for an ambush.

Three atomic compression grenades landed at the feet of the Spartans. Up in the room, the three Mandalores cling to the metal rafters like flies, with the aid of the spiked gloves and shoes of their armour.

In unison, the three Spartans sprinted out of range of the explosion, although the heat generated melted the camouflage plates.

The Mandalores open up with fire from heavy repeaters and one EE-C carbine. A hail of lead meets the Mandalores, but their beskar armour keeps them safe from the assault rifle bullets.

The Spartan who'd manned the now destroyed flame thrower got in a shot through one of the visors of his enemies but is quickly cut down by repeater fire.

Mandalores: 3

Spartan IIIs: 2

The Spartans are now outnumbered and must rethink their battle plan.

Outside the zeppelin, a Yuuzan Vong frigate crashes into the side of the gas filled behemoth; wounding the giant vessel and causing it to fall to the ground slowly.

In the engine room, everything was tilting. The Mandalores used their jet packs to orient themselves while the Spartans were forced to grab onto whatever they could.

The impact also caused some of the massive steel cogs to be exposed.

The female Spartan, the team leader, finds herself handing off of a machine block that tilts forty five degrees. Her partner has fallen and they've become separated.

Suddenly, the Mandalore trio comes flying towards her; the team leader carrying a huge, heavy blade in addition to her carbine.

Twisting to avoid the blaster fire, the female Spartan narrowly avoids losing her head from the heavy beskad. Instead, the massive blade slices the Spartan's assault rifle in half.

The Mandalore troika jet past the female and head for the other Spartan.

This one is not as lucky as the squad leader. Fire from the carbine hits him in the wrist, blowing his hand off and causing him to lose his handhold.

Falling, the Spartan nonetheless managed to fire off a kill shot in one of the Mandalore's visors.

Mandalores: 2

Spartan IIIs: 2

Despite having a missing hand, the Spartan was going to go down fighting.

Rounds from the heavy repeater hit him in the shoulder, but he ignored the pain. Instead, he threw his last spiker grenade and hit the Mandalore square in the neck; the exploding grenade downed him.

All that was left now was the female Mandalore. As was standard procedure, he went to break her neck but found himself unable.

Surprisingly, the female Mandalore punched him in the faceplate fast enough that he missed the punch. The Mandalores had no augmentation: only training until their reflexes were beyond average. The pressurized spikes in her gauntlets caused spider web cracks in the bulletproof faceplate.

On the ground, the injured Mandalore wasn't dead, but he was close.

His dying act was to fire the capture cable in his gauntlet and latch it around the ankle of the one handed Spartan.

The Spartan doesn't realize what the Mandalore is doing until it's too late. He fires the other end of the capture cable into the giant cogs right before dying.

The giant gears pull on the capture cable, which defies even the Spartan III's great strength. He's pulled into the gears and is crushed like a bug.

Mandalores: 1

Spartan IIIs: 1

There's nothing alive aboard the zeppelin except for two females: one Spartan and one Mandalore. Only one will make it out alive.

The female Spartan drags the bomb behind her. It's big and normally requires a forklift to move around. She's no master chief but she manages.

It doesn't take long for her to reach the fighter bay of the zeppelin. The craft is close to crashing and only one fighter craft is intact; a school bus sized machine that flaps its wings like a beetle.

Chaining the bomb to the underside of the craft, the squad leader fires up the steam engines. It'll only take a few seconds for the engines to reach optimum level.

Meanwhile, the female Mandalore is burning her jet pack red hot. She's speeding through the halls and maintenance ways of the zeppelin, cutting through chains and wires with her beskad like they're nothing.

In no time at all, she's in the hangar bay and screams a Mandalore war cry.

The Spartan can barely react before a beskad wielding Mandalore women jets past near, nearly taking her head off.

The female Spartan has only her sniper rifle left and one clip. She used the rest of her Sniper ammo on the Vong boarders and lost the assault rifle when the zeppelin took a few unexpected twists and turns. One of those twists and turns threw her out of the steam beetle.

The female Mandalore spins around and slashes at her opponent; using her jet pack to outmanoeuvre the agile Spartan.

Suddenly, everything shakes as if rocked by an earthquake. The zeppelin has hit ground and in three seconds the volatile anti-matter in the ship's steam engines is going to blow.

Not wanting to turn this into a suicide mission, the Mandalore uses the last of the fuel in her jet pack and zips into the cockpit of the steam beetle.

With a rush of wind and the chugging of pistons, the beetle takes off, leaving the Spartan behind.

The beetle like aircraft beats its wings frantically as the zeppelin explodes, significantly altering the landscape for years to come.

Damaged but not inoperable, the female Mandalore dares to breathe again.

The relief is short lived as the craft is shaken. According to the instruments panel, something large and humanoid is left clinging to the undercarriage of the craft.

Grabbing into the flying machine's bronzed landing gear; the Spartan III has a death grip. With one hand she holds onto the craft, unaffected by scalding hot steam bursts. With the other hand, she rips into the chassis of the beetle, hoping to hijack its controls.

The Mandalore knows that she's running out of options as warning lights flash all over the console. A coral skimmer appears on the horizon. The Mandalore has found a solution.

The Spartan is surprised as the beetle swerves into a head on collision course with the Vong coral skipper.

The pilot inside the coral skipper fires the craft's meteor weapons but the Mandalore does not return fire.

At the last minute, the Spartan III realizes the brilliance of her enemy's plan.

As the two fighter craft are about to collide, the Mandalore swerves slightly up. The valiant Spartan III is splattered over the front of the coral skipper, which in turn causes the pilot to lose control and crash.

The female Mandalore doesn't sigh or express any kind of relief. Inside that mask, she's as cold and inexpressive as the beskar helmet she wears.

Her whole team is dead and now she has to deliver a bomb to a landing site which is now in the thickest part of the fight.

The fun has just begun.

**THE MANDALORES WIN!**

Stats:

Mandalores: 563 kills

Mandalore heavy repeater-365 kills

EE-3 Carbine rifle-99 kills

Atomic compression grenade-82 kills

Beskad-7 kills

Spartan IIIs: 437 kills

MA5C Assault rifle-105 kills

Sniper Rifle System 99D-S2-237 kills

Spiker Grenade-30 kills

M7057 Flamethrower-65 kills

* * *

Geoff appears before the camera. "I was right, the Mandalores won."

Max elaborates for his buddy. "The deciding factor in this was the armour. The Mandalores just put so much effort and craftsmanship into their armour. It's nearly impenetrable even when they don't use Mandalore Iron. To quote count Duku, they have the best armour that blood can buy."

Mendez doesn't think highly of the test results. "This isn't right. I say we bring in a smart UNSC AI and have that decide who's tougher. Cortanna would know the answer."

Jaina is reserved once more, but looks like she had fun. "I have no doubt that the Spartan IIIs are formidable warriors. I just think that they need better equipment."

The two sides face each other off. The three hosts stand like referees. "Okay guys, now shake hands and say good game," Geoff instructs.

Each side does as he instructs. Jaina is quite amicable. Emile and Fett are a pair of enigmas and even Mendez is getting over the disappointment of losing.

Everybody is friends now, sort of.

It's then that Max proposes a team building exercise. "Hey guys, I've got a giant shopping cart in the back lot. Want to ride it down the hill like in Jackass?"

Elsewhere at the Gold & Silver pawnshop, part owner Rick Harris is explaining what somebody brought in today. "I just had a guy come in with what he claimed to be a Jedi holocron," the fat man explains.

"I'm tempted to keep it because Jedi holocrons are worth a lot of money. But I'm going to wait until I can get an expert in. If it's a Sith holocron, then I don't want anything to do with it. Those things are trouble; if my father opens it we're all in big trouble. Guy's got a lot of anger problems."

Suddenly, Rick's attention is caught by the sound of joyful screaming as a giant shopping cart full of three idiots, a UNSC sergeant and a Mandalore with a Spartan III and a Jedi hanging off the sides comes zooming past the window of the shop.

Rick is befuddled and wants to scratch his bald head. "What the hell was that?"

* * *

That's all folks! Thank you, you've been wonderful and thank you for reviewing :D Next time I've got Kratos vs. the Mask. How's that for an unusual combo? Following that will be Dr. Who vs. Invader Zim then another one of my many requests. I only ask your patients. Oh and I don't own Pawn Stars, Spike TV owns that.

Ta

Master of teh Boot


	6. Kratos vs The Mask

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Kratos Vs. the Mask

Disclaimer: Hey guys, now prepare for my most outlandish combo ever. I do not own either the Mask or God of War. The version of the Mask in this game will be a blend of the psychotic comic book version and the goofy and heroic cartoon edition. I also don't own the Lion King or anything else licensed.

* * *

Announcer: _Kratos, the fabled Ghost of Sparta_

Shows a shot of a muscular, bald Greek man with pale skin. He's using bladed weapons on chains to cut down a horde of zombie creatures

_The most deadly warrior in all of Greece and possibly the universe. _

The screen shows Kratos murdering Zeus, the king of the Gods.

_Kratos made a name for himself by killing Ares, the God of war and single handed taking on both the Olympians and Titans __**and **__winning._

Announcer: _Kratos is a brute of a man, able to easily overpower his enemies through sheer will. He will be going up against an adversary known for unpredictability and madness_

Shows a cut of a woman in a park, she is about to be ambushed by a rapist hidden in the bushes. Suddenly, the rapist is hit in the chest by a small missile. He has two seconds to stare at the missile before it explodes, sending his head flying through the air like a softball.

From behind a tree, a green headed guy in a yellow zoot suit peeks and flashes a pearly smile while brandishing a cross between a rifle and a rocket launcher. "Now _that's_ a boomstick."

Announcer: _The Mask, Edge City's infamous crime fighter who has criminals shitting themselves with fear. _

Announcer: _Former ER Doctor and UFC fight Doctor Armand Dorian will evaluate the lethality of the combatant's weapons. _

Armand stands before the camera. "I'm here to see if it kills, maims or wounds. In this case, both combatants will be bringing in weapons deadlier than anything realistic so I'll have my work cut out for me today."

_Biomedical specialist and Black Belt Geoff Desmoulins will be there to evaluate the deadliness of either warrior._

Geoff gives us his predictions for the fight. "I'm going to give this one to Kratos hands down. I know the Mask is a reality bender but Kratos has beaten those before. He killed the sisters of fate who had the power to control time."

_Computer expert Max Geiger will tie everything up in a nice pretty bow using his state of the art computer program created by Slytherin Studios._

"I'd have to give the fight to the Mask on this one," Max puts out. "Kratos is all about brute force but the Mask is flexible in his attack plan. He could come from any direction of attack and the only thing you can expect from him is the unexpected."

Stats

The Mask: Weight-167 lbs

Height-6'2''

Profession-crime fighter/pimp/banker

Attire: Zoot suit

Weapons-giant mallet, killer horn, Dennis the Menace, evil wardrobe

Kratos: Weight-211 lbs

Height-6'

Profession-warrior/general/former God of War

Attire-golden fleece, Corinthian running sandals, lion hide loin cloth, shoulder paldron

Weapons-Blades of Exile, Claws of Hades, Bow of Apollo, Blade of Olympus

Announcer:_ When bank employee Stanley Ipkiss discovered an ancient Scandinavian mask, he had no idea what he was unlocking._

Stanley stands in the river, after seeing what he thought was a body. He holds up a plain, wooden mask; watches as it mysteriously shimmers

_When Kratos sold his soul to Ares for victory on the battlefield, he had no idea that the path he put himself on would result in the death of his family and the start of his bloody vendetta against the world. _

Kratos lays prone, about to be killed by the Barbarian king. At the last moment, time freezes and a pair of harpies bear the blades of chaos, Kratos signature weapon.

Announcer: _In addition to twenty first century technology, either side will be represented by guest experts who are at the top of their field. _

_Representing the mask are Lt Mitch Kellaway of Edge City PD and Dr. Pretorius, the Mask's arch nemesis. _

Kellaway is a tall, fit looking cop with dark hair who looks like he's spent all day sucking lemons. He's just not a happy guy.

Dr. Pretorius is an average sized man with a Mohawk like plume of red hair and circular glasses that hide his eyes. The mad scientist looks like something that came out of a Tim Burton movie, with his freaky pale skin and odd attire.

_On behalf of Kratos is the Goddess Athena and famous UFC fighter Chuck Liddell, who is actually a demi-god son of Athena. _

Liddell stands there in his Mohawk topped majesty. He's not a man to mess with.

Athena is the goddess of wisdom and war. She looks like she'd be equally at home lecturing university students or out snapping necks with the best of them.

Announcer: _In our duel to the death there will be no mercy, no rules and no safety between these two polar opposites. _

_A merciless chopper_

Kratos spins around with the blades of exile, shredding the legs from underneath a Minotaur.

_Versus a random maniac_

The Mask defeats a pack of drug dealers by snapping their spines with a pair of large fish, wielded like imitation nun chucks.

_A fearless brute_

Kratos rips the head off of a gorgon

_Versus a guy who loves his job_

A bank robber puts a gun to a little boy's head. "I'll waste him, believe me!"

The Mask hits the guy with a boxing glove gun; the robber goes flying face first through a plate glass window. The Mask then transforms into Frank Miller's Batman. "I believe you."

_All in the quest to decide_

_Who_

_Is_

_**Deadliest?**_

Announcer: _The fight club is preparing for an exciting day of testing and action. Our experts line up to get things started. _

Lt. Kellaway goes first in front of the camera. "I hate the Mask; his wedgies have me going through three pairs of under wear a week. I like this Kratos guy; he seems honest, but I don't think he has it to kill the Mask."

Athena defends her champion. "Kratos is a man of singular drive. He hits his enemies where they feel the most pain and then makes sure that they're dead. He never leaves any survivors."

Dr. Pretorius is sophisticated and erudite; a true mad scientist. "I've found in my studies that the Mask only kills fifteen to ten percent of each criminal case; usually reserving lethal force for the most violent and irredeemable offenders. I believe that he only kills when he thinks it is funny."

Chuck then voices his opinion. "Kratos is a man after my own heart. If he's anything like me, then he's going to dominate every time.

Announcer: _First in line are the short range weapons_

Athena approaches a field of targets; ten are made of fibreglass, eight are pig carcasses and two of them are ballistics gel. In her hands is a massive white sword that was never meant to be wielded by the hands of mortals.

While Geoff attached sensors to her wrists and hilt, Athena begins to tell the story of the massive sword with a channel of blue energy running up the blood groove. "This blade was forged by Zeus out of the heavens and the earth. It was this super weapon that allowed the Olympians to prevail over the titans. It actually has the power to kill a God."

Geoff is impressed by Athena's story. "Alright, let's see how you quickly you can kill these guys."

The Goddess of War squares her feet into proper stance.

Geoff gives the much loved countdown. "Okay, Athena ; 3... 2... 1... ATTACK!"

Athena proves her worth as a warrior as she takes the long, impossibly broad blade and in a single sweep cuts down five dummies. Not even breaking stride, Athena instantly brings the blade back for another stroke, this time taking out three dummies and three pigs.

In no time, all that's left is a single gel dummy that gets sliced from head to crotch.

Armand is ecstatic about the damage. "Did you see this? It's amazing! That blade cut through human flesh like it's not even there!"

Chuck is a little condescending towards Armand. "Well, it is designed to slay gods, so what chance do these guys have?"

Announcer: _Team Mask has their own answer to the Blade of Olympus._

Kellaway holds in his hands a massive croquet mallet. "This is one of the Mask's favourite weapons. He uses it to crack skulls and snap spines. He's killed over thirty _British Petroleum _executives with it."

Max doesn't think that's evil. "Aren't those the guys who caused the spill in the gulf?"

Geoff nods. "Yeah; BP murdered a lot of birds and sea turtles and destroyed thousands of jobs."

None the less, Kellaway refuses to go further into the morality behind the Mask. The bitter cop stands before a ballistics dummy, sensors in place and ready to strike.

"Kellaway, you go in 3... 2... 1.. STRIKE!"

Kellaway drops the hammer. The skull on the dummy explodes like a melon, showering the team with shards of gel and fake blood.

Raising the heavy hammer for another strike, Kellaway brings the heavy weapon down. Ribs snap and organs explode; if this were a man, he'd be dead.

Max reviews the footage on the computer screens. "Well, that mallet only hit at three quarters of the speed that the Blade of Olympus went at."

"But the target is still deceased," points out Dr. Pretorius.

"Yeah, but in battle the quickest strike can still win a fight," Geoff counters.

After a few minutes of deliberation, the three experts come to a decision.

Armand appears before the camera. "Both weapons were beyond lethal, but the Blade of Olympus was more lethal. So the edge goes to the blade."

Edge: Kratos

Announcer: _Our experts move into the next round as we test out the medium range weapons. _

The staff on the show has set up three dummies in an outdoor area full of grass and trees. Three dummies are sitting inside a car. On each of their chests is a pressure pad which will tell whether that person is disoriented, injured or dead.

Dr. Pretorius stands with a tiny horn in his hand. It's a cute little thing with an undersized mouth and on the bulb is written, "Squeeze me gently."

The mad scientist elaborates on the weapon. "The mask generally uses this to subdue large groups. It has a range of about twenty feet. However with my own private testing, I have found that it is lethal within twelve feet."

Max nods at the mad scientist. "Okay Dok; what we want you to do is try and take out those guys in the car."

Pretorius replies in the affirmative. "A simple enough request for my genius."

The doctor stands just at the edge of the horn's killing range. He is wearing more ear protection than is normally found on the show's experts.

Max has the honour of giving the countdown. "3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"

Dr. Pretorius gently squeezes the bulb on the horn.

Like a Tex Avery cartoon, the mouth of the horn grows giant sized and sprouts along pink tongue. It honks out a lethal and deafening "AUGHA!"

The blast of sound is devastating. It completely blows in the windshield of the car, showering the inhabitants with shards of glass. It also totally blasts the side and rear windows.

When the horn is done its devastating work, even the tires have exploded. Hanging on by God's will, the rear-view mirror clings to its frame for two more seconds and then falls off.

The guys laugh at the damage with childish glee. Even Chuck Liddell is impressed by the damage done.

Laughing, Geoff inspects the pressure pads on the dummy's chests. "We have three kills right here. Stone dead; nothing that can be done."

Armand also pitches in. "If they weren't dead from the concussive force then the shards of glass in the eye sockets might conceivably kill them."

Max reports on the scene. "My instruments show that the damage goes spreads out from the source. At the twelve foot mark, there is a thirty foot wide death zone created, like a giant cone seen from above."

Athena is undaunted. "Impressive, but Kratos has a weapon to trump that toy any day."

Inside the fight club, Chuck wields the Blades of Exile. They are wicked curved blades which attach to his wrists via chains. Athena gives the history of the blades.

"When Kratos lost the Blades of Chaos, I gave him the Blades of Exile. I think you'll find them greatly improved over the blades of chaos."

Geoff thinks that's great, but "Time to put your money where your mouth is, Athena."

Again, three ballistics gel dummies are placed inside a car and Chuck will have to take them out.

Geoff gives the countdown. "Chuck, 3... 2... 1... SPARTAN, ATTACK!"

Chuck strikes with the blades of exile. The chain extends like an elastic band as he throws his arm forward. The heavy blade shoots through the car window and impales one dummy through the chest.

Yanking back, Chuck rips the dummy from the car; putting its face right through the windshield.

Imitating Kratos fighting style, Chuck slams the dummy against the ground a few times in a large arc. Then he uses his other blade to disembowel the dummy.

Chuck swings the blades back and forth on the chains which vary length. The heavy weapons slice through the metal of the car chassis and expose the two remaining dummies like oysters in their shell.

A final swing of the weapons neatly slices the heads off of the dummies.

The experts cheer and then go between themselves to decide which weapon is deadliest. Geoff suggests the blades of exile. "I'm giving the edge to the blades. They're more accurate than the horn and just as deadly."

Max differs. "I'm going with the horn on this one. It's not as accurate but it's like the ultimate buckshot effect; it's not going to miss the target."

Armand agrees with Max. "Yeah, and even if it's killing range isn't as long as the blades, it can still injure and disorient at greater ranges."

Geoff sees that he'd been beaten. "So, horn then?"

Edge: The Mask

Announcer: _Next up are the long range weapons and our experts are getting heated. _

Chuck Liddell stands next to Dr. Pretorius. The mad scientist looks like a toothpick with a red tuft on it next to the brawny UFC fighter.

Chuck says to the doctor. "Kratos is going to win this, man. His willpower is unbreakable and his skill is perfect. What has the Mask got?"

Pretorius's reply is cool and calculated. "While the Mask can hardly boast a Spartan's upbringing or the favour of the gods, he brings his own set of intangible factors which weight the battle in his favour. It takes more than brute force to defeat the Mask. Believe me when I say that I've tried."

The experts bring out the weapons. Athena appears with the Bow of Apollo. It is a magnificent weapon which requires the strength of a god to use.

Athena holds up the weapon and elaborates on it. "This is the Bow of Apollo. It fires flaming arrows created from the magic of the wearer. Since Kratos gains magic from killing enemies, he has no shortage of power."

To test the power of the bow, a series of moving targets are set up on a pulley. Geoff explains, "Okay Athena, you'll have thirty seconds to put as much damage into those four targets a possible."

The Goddess of Wisdom and War nods and notches an arrow.

"In 3... 2... 1.. FIRE!"

The first arrow flies free and hits the large wooden disk with a bull's-eye painted on it. The wood target explodes like it's been hit like a bomb.

Lightning quick, Athena shoots another arrow. The second target is hit dead center; blowing up just like the one before it.

As the targets blow up in short order, Kellaway and Pretorius look unimpressed.

Max reads from his instruments. "You just killed five targets in as many seconds. That's easily the fastest shooting from a bow weapon we've ever seen."

Kellaway delivers his lines with the usual lemon sucking curtness. "You expect that little toy bow to kill anything? We've got something deadlier; something that my men on the force had to deal with. We're lucky it hasn't killed any of us."

The time comes to test the Mask's long range weapon . . . Dennis the Menace.

Geoff doesn't seem so sure of this. "Are you guys just pulling our leg with this?"

Armand has to agree. "Yeah, I'm fairly certain that there's something in the Geneva Convention against using ten year olds instead of sniper rifles."

Dr. Pretorius stands over the playful hell raiser with a large syringe in hand. "The Mask has used Dennis here as a guided weapon many times over the years," says the villainous doctor. "The Mask simply injects Dennis with a mixture of crystal meth and high grade rocket fuel; which I have painstakingly synthesized today."

Kellaway holds the lad's arm while swabbing the skin with an alcohol wipe. "Here kid, this won't hurt much."

Announcer: _For the safety of all parties involved, our hosts are placed behind a seventh grade ray shield imported from Corusscant. _

Dr. Pretorius injects Dennis with the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix and then he and Kellaway hastily make their way behind the safety of the ray shield.

It takes a few seconds before the mixture takes effect. When it does, Dennis's pupils widen and he becomes a lean, mean killing machine.

From behind a curtain comes out the entire line-up of the first season of _Deadliest Warrior_. There's a pirate, a ninja, a Spartan, a knight, a Samurai, a Viking, a Maori Warrior and a Shaolin monk. Also turning up for the party are some Yakuza, a Mafia guy, A Spetznaz dude, a Green Beret.

Shaka Zulu and William Wallace have even turned up to the party.

The first to attack is the Spartan. The ancient Hellenistic warrior charges Dennis with his spear. America's first bad boy instantly parries the spear strike and launches a kick at the Spartan's shield, utterly buckling the large bronze and wood construct.

The Spartan flies backwards as the Samurai and Viking take point. Dennis dodges both the Viking's axe and the Samurai's katana. With an easy move, he disarms the Samurai and uses the sword to kill both ancient opponents.

The Maori swings with the heavy spear but Dennis jumps on top of the lethal island weapon and runs up and punches out the three hundred pound Maori. The Shaolin monk fares little better; Dennis kills him with the Maoris' spear.

William Wallace chops downwards with his claymore but Dennis catches the blade with his bare hands and kicks Wallace in the stomach.

William Wallace flies back and gets impaled on the weapons of Shaka Zulu, who in turn has his bones broken from impact with the Scottish warlord.

A ninja throws several shuriken at Dennis, only to have them deflected back at him. The ninja goes down with several metal pieces in his chest.

The pirate fires his blunderbuss but Dennis dodges the hail of deadly shrapnel. Seeing that he's out of his league, the pirate tries to run but doesn't get far before the menace spears him with Shake Zulu's short spear.

The Yakuza, the Mafia, the Spetznaz and the Green Beret all open fire with their machine guns but Dennis dodges it all like something from the Matrix.

He jumps and gets ready to kill the remaining warriors when suddenly he halts in mid air, turns belly up and lands on the ground.

To say the least, the hosts are stunned by the carnage. Reluctantly, Max turns off the ray shield so that they can inspect the carnage as the survivors run like hell in case Dennis gets up for more.

"Fuck me," says Geoff, utterly blown away by the level of devastation wrought by a ten year old boy in red suspenders.

"Wow," says Max.

Armand is a little wordier than the others. "This is what it must have been like when the Nazis invaded Russia."

Kellaway rubs it into Chuck Liddell's face. "So what do you think, big guy? Think your bow is better than that?"

Chuck is unimpressed. "Big deal; I could take that kid on my worst day." He turns to Armand. "Dok, just wake him up and we'll go toe to toe. Then we'll see who's deadly."

Dennis still hasn't moved from where he's fallen and he doesn't seem to be breathing. "Did he take a bullet?" Armand asks.

Max replies in the negative. "Nope; according to the sensors we strapped onto him his heart exploded."

Dr. Pretorius doesn't seem bothered in the least by this development. "That was a risk we were willing to take. However I don't see this as a hindrance, given how sufficient data was collected."

Geoff is on the verge of tears and he spins on Pretorius. "He's fucking dead, man! Not only did you kill a child but this show will be cancelled."

Armand however is nowhere near as distraught as Geoff. "Don't worry about it, buddy. We're not going to get cancelled: as a UFC fight doctor I'm qualified to raise the dead."

This satisfies Geoff but the biomedical expert seems shaken.

Announcer: _As Armand Dorian prepares to reanimate Dennis the Menace, the show must go on and the experts unveil their special weapons!_

Inside the fight club, Lt. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand next to a large wardrobe made out of solid oak. It's al overly old thing and it recalls _the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe_.

Kellaway knocks on the side of the wardrobe. "This is the Mask's evil wardrobe. He brings it out when the police try to blockade him on a high speed chase. It's eaten seventeen squad cars and one cocker spaniel to date."

Athena starts to laugh at the outlandish weapon. "The Mask is going to try and defeat Kratos with furniture?" She lets out a long, ladylike laugh. "Where is the carpet to go with it?"

Kellaway is predictably bitter. "Laugh it up, lady. Just wait until you see this baby in action."

A test is set up in which the wardrobe is placed with a ballistics gel dummy in front of it. In the background, Armand is preparing to raise the dead and return Dennis the menace to life. The former ER doctor runs around with a white lab coat on, checking and preparing his own special equipment.

At Armand's behest, Dennis's cool body is placed on a metal table that will be raised up to the roof.

Meanwhile, Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius set up a pulley to tug a string that will open up the latch on the front of the wardrobe.

Outside it's raining and thundering. Armand has got Chuck Liddell flying a trio of pink kites, trying to catch some lightning bolts. Chuck frantically works the three strings, but he's a mixed martial artist, not an Afghan kite fighter.

Chuck calls down to Armand, who now has donned a pair of goggles and some black rubber gloves. "Are you sure you can't just hook up the machines into a transformer?"

"Yes!" Armand shouts. "Last time I hooked up to the city's power grid I got a bad fine! This is how I power the machines!"

As Armand gets his equipment ready, the test for the evil wardrobe has been set up. Kellaway and Dr. Pretorius stand behind the safety glass and are ready to trigger the experiment.

Max gives the countdown. "3... 2... 1... FEEDING TIME!"

All it takes is a single pull of the rope and the latch is undone. For a split second nothing happens. Then quick as lightning, the doors of the cabinet open and a giant tongue comes out and grabs the dummy.

The dummy is yanked into the wardrobe and the doors shut. Inside, the sound of mastication can be heard; crunching and chomping.

A few seconds later the doors open up again and the dummy is spat out in pieces. It's like the thing has gone through a wood chipper.

Geoff whoops in glee. "Hey Armand, did you just see that?"

"Huh?" Armand didn't see that. He's standing on the platform with Dennis's body. "Sorry guys; I've got to do this."

Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell catches some lightning bolts with his pink kites that have Disney princesses on them. The energy goes down the kite strings and into Armand's arcane machinery.

From the main floor, Athena walks among the wreckage of the dummy as Kellaway and Pretorius re-fasten the latch on the wardrobe.

"Chuck, be safe," Athena calls up to her partner.

Chuck struggles to control the pink kites as they fly out of control. "Yeah!" he shouts just as a lightning bolt hits an antenna just a few feet away from his head. Easier said than done.

Down on the floor, Athena gets ready to test Kratos special weapon.

Announcer: _Athena wields the Claws of Hades; two fearsome hooks on chains which were used by the Lord of the Underworld to rip the souls from his enemies before his untimely demise at Kratos' hands. _

Athena shows off her skill with her uncle's weapons. The gruesome looking hooks spin around her body in ways that defy human ability. Each double clawed hook is easily capable of ripping open a human being like a ripe fruit.

In order to establish the deadliness of the weapons, Athena has been given a series of pig carcasses on mobile platforms. The objective will be to take down all the targets as quickly as she can.

Up on the roof, Chuck Liddell has gathered enough power from his three princess kites to fully power Armand's resurrecting machinery.

Armand runs up to Geoff in his mad scientist outfit. The fight doctor is getting awfully close to his friend as their faces almost touch. Geoff seems visibly uncomfortable with the distance between them, or lack thereof.

Armand says to Geoff. "Geoff, I want you to elevate me."

Geoff looks around as if wanting to ask if anybody is going to help him. "Uh, no offense, but I have a wife."

Armand just looks confused and takes off his dark goggles. "What are you talking about? I just want you to raise the platform. The switch is right behind you."

With that little mix up taken care of, Geoff laughs with relief. "Oh man, sorry; I'll do that right away."

As Armand rises up on the platform, Athena gets the countdown from Max.

"3... 2...1... FOR OLYMPUS!"

Eyes full of fury, Athena spins the claws around her like a whirlwind of cursed steel.

Shooting out like a frog's tongue, the hooks catch one of the pigs. With a mere flick of her wrist, Athena violently tears off the pig from where it's been attached.

Prone on the ground, Athena shoots both of the claws into the pig and with a hefty pull, tears the dead hog in two.

Organs and viscera fly all over the glass cove protecting the camera.

Whirling the claws around her again, Athena roars and then plants the weapons into the ground. Not a split second later, hundreds of chains shoot out of the ground, impaling the pigs with the devastating power of Hades.

The chains retract from the pig carcasses, ripping out flesh and splintering bone as they do.

Athena spins the chains once more around her and smiles at the Mask's crew. "I think that the Mask should have his wardrobe stay home."

Kellaway mutters something derogatory about Greek girls while Pretorius starts to make his way towards the coffee table.

Up on the roof, Dennis the menace is having an electric current pumped through his dead body strong enough to light up a small town.

Standing right over Dennis's electrified body is Armand Dorian. Armand is fully in mad scientist mode with an insane grin on his face. His dark hair is plastered to his head from the rain and he checks his medical instruments.

Armand starts to cackle maniacally. "It's alive! IT'S ALIVE!"

Meanwhile, Chuck Liddell is running for the exit as lightning bolts case after him like Zeus angry with him.

Chuck throws himself down a flight of stairs before the gods of thunder and lightning can barbecue his demigod ass.

Down on the floor, the three experts are back again and ready to make their decision. "You okay, Armand," says Geoff.

Armand nods. "Yeah, I'm good. I gotta vote for the claws on this one." His hair is neatly styled again and he seems to be back to his normal self.

Max speaks next. "I agree with Dr. Horrible over here." Armand glares at him. "The wardrobe was lethal, but the chains have the advantage of a widespread attack and they can be used to summon the souls that Kratos has killed."

The answer is obvious to the three men.

Edge: Kratos

Announcer: _In short range weapons, Kratos took the lead with the Blade of Olympus. In Medium and long range weapons, The Mask took the advantage with the killer horn and Dennis the Menace. And finally, Kratos takes the cake with special weapons. _

_With all testing complete, all that's left to do is fire up the simulation and watch these two warriors go at it in a duel to the death; no rules, no safety, no mercy!_

Max is shown pressing the enter key on his computer screen. It's ShowTime.

Simulation:

In the bowels of Mt. Olympus, legendary Warrior Kratos is preparing to slice Zeus's heart in half. The Ghost of Sparta is mighty pissed off (when isn't he?) and he's out for the vengeance that he's been looking for so long for.

Currently, Kratos's path is blocked by a massive magical door which will only open with blood.

Kratos reads the inscription on the tablet. Apparently to get across this door he'll have to toss six sacrifices into the molten lave which is gathered in a big pool at the back of the room.

Luckily for him, there are a number of prisoners in cages; victims of the amoral nature of the Greek gods.

Kratos steps up to a cage with two teenage boys that look like the product of brothers and sisters mating.

The kids in the cage look at Kratos and have a totally inappropriate reaction. "Hey Beavis, that guy's bald," says the brown haired snorter to his snorter friend.

"Beavis" starts to snigger at his friend's brilliant observation. "Yeah Butthead, nyheh, nyhey, nyheh."

His buddy joins the laughter at Kratos lack of hair. "Uh-huh-huh-uh-huh."

Kratos can actually feel himself getting stupider just listening to these two morons. So without further ado, he drags Beavis and Butthead's cage and shoves it into the lava.

It's truly a pleasure to hear the morons scream before they're vaporized by the molten rock.

Kratos grabs the next cage and starts to drag it towards the lava. Inside the cage is a pale faced banker who'd rather be anywhere but here.

Stanley Ipkiss starts to plead to Kratos to let him out, but he'd make better progress with Darth Vader's left shoe.

As the cage is dragged, Stanley spots a green piece of wood on the floor. Getting that mask is the only way he'll survive this.

Ignoring both the mask, Kratos finally tosses Stanley's cage into the lava. The warrior of Sparta begins to stride powerfully to the remaining captives. Three down, three to go.

All of the sudden, Kratos can feel a presence that is both hated and familiar to him.

A mass of cloud and lightning forms in front of him. Zeus!

Kratos screams as the clouds form a look alike of Zeus. "Come and face me Zeus and let us end this!"

The image of Zeus speaks but his words make no sense. "_Kratos, you have served me well. Take this Kratos, take this weapon, take this power. Take—_

Suddenly, Zeus's voice is coming right behind Kratos. "The Wedgie of Olympus!"

Before he can react, the Mask, dressed as Zeus, gives the Ghost of Sparta an atomic wedgie.

The Mask jumps back and cackles while Kratos struggles to rip his underwear from his head.

Kratos rips the underwear from his head and then sizes up his opponent: a tall, gangly fellow with a bald, green head and blindingly white teeth dressed in a zoot suit.

The Mask lights a cigarette using his thumb and then addresses Kratos. "Sorry, cue ball; nothing personal."

Kratos snarls and pulls out the blades of exile. "Your ass is mine."

With no further delay, Kratos attacks the Mask with ferocity of a starving bulldog.

The Blades of Exile fly at the mask, threatening to cut that smile off his face. The yellow and green hero waits until the last second to spring his move.

The Mask dodges the blades of exile, ducking and weaving under the blades with the flexibility of an elastic band.

Kratos thrusts and throws the blades strapped to his wrist, but finds that his weapons are only cutting air.

Suddenly, the Mask jumps right in front of Kratos and honks his nose. The Ghost of Sparta is furious and gives the Mask a mighty punch in the teeth.

The Mask flies across the room and slams into a statue. His white teeth fall from his mouth like piano keys.

The Mask would like to play a little piano music on his teeth but Kratos is on him like flies on shit.

The Mask spins out of the way as Kratos slams onto the spot where he just was.

Kratos hits the floor like a meteorite and cracks the heavy granite floor. Seeing that this foe escapes him, The Ghost of Sparta figures that a new strategy is in order.

Putting away the blades of exile, Kratos pulls out the Claws of Hades. Spinning the claws in complex arcs and patterns, Kratos throws the sharp ends of the claws into the ground.

The chains tighten and the Mask has only seconds before something bad happens.

To the Mask's utter amazement, hundreds of chains sprout from the ground like some kind of a fucked up forest.

The Mask only avoided impalement by the way of his lightning fast reflexes and the power to split his body in parts after the fashion of SpongeBob square pants.

The chains suddenly retract back into the ground and Kratos charges the mask wielding the claws much the same way that he could his trademark blades.

Adjusting his big hat and making sure that his lucky feather is in place; The Mask grins and accepts the challenge.

From is private hammer space, the Mask yanks out a giant croquet mallet.

The Mask sets his sights on the howling warrior of Sparta and gives his own battle cry while lifting up the giant mallet in ready position.

"LEEEEROOYYYY FUCKING JEEEENKKKINSSS!"

Kratos launches the claws at the Mask, which are then deflected by the giant mallet.

As the Mask brings down his hammer to crush Kratos, the Spartan warrior throws up the claws at the ceiling and yanks himself up like a yo-yo.

The Mask misses his strike and punches giant hole in the floor.

Before the Mask can raise his weapon for another strike, Kratos swings down from the ceiling like Tarzan. The flying Spartan warrior plants a powerful kick into the Mask's chest.

The Mask comically flies across the room and bounces around like a rubber ball. But the Mask isn't laughing.

Far from it, the Mask wears a look of determination on his face as Kratos uses the claws to summon an army of dead souls whose ghostly weapons can do real damage to flesh.

From out of his pocket, the Mask conjures a giant wardrobe of antique oak.

Smiling, he undoes the latch and lets the deadly piece of furniture do its work.

A ghostly team of Spartans come at the Wardrobe with spears and shields ready, but a giant tongue snaps them up like a frog gobbling down flies. The wardrobe backs up surprisingly quick on its short legs in order to avoid enemy weapons.

As the ghostly enemies and the wardrobe fight it out, Kratos trades the claws of Hades for the Bow of Apollo.

Immediately, the Mask is beset by a hail of arrows which he nimbly dodges using a combination of ninjitsu and ballet techniques.

Burning hot arrows wiz past the Mask but he merely taunts the laconic Kratos. "Hey loser; why don't ya learn how to shoot!"

The Mask doesn't have to wait long because Kratos just isn't interested in witty banter. An arrow flies past and takes off the Mask's lucky feather. A second shot takes the Mask's hat completely off.

The Mask turns around to get his hat when he notices that in trying to kill him, Kratos has deep sixed half of the hostages in the cages.

The appals the Mask's twisted sense of righteousness. "Yo, asshole; don't you have any standards?"

Apparently not, judging by the way that Kratos charges the Mask once more with the claws of Hades.

Before the Mask can dodge or say something funny, Kratos has latched onto his green head and starts pulling.

The Mask's eyes bulge as he is now in very real mortal danger. If Kratos pulls off the mask then he'll turn back into harmless old Stanley Ipkiss. And good old Stanley won't stand a chance in hell against a beast like Kratos.

For a moment it looks like victory is at hand for Kratos, when the Mask is saved by quick thinking.

From his bottomless pocket the Mask has drawn a cute little horn with a funny inscription on the bulb.

Kratos is about to pull off the magical mask when he gets quite the shock.

"AUGHA!"

The sound blast is deafening and it throws back Kratos as if he's been launched by a cannon.

The deadly horn also has the side effect of breaking the claws of Hades. Kratos is left holding broken chains as he slams into a stone wall, going right through it.

Kratos shakily gets up. His ears are ringing and blood runs down his back where the rock cut into him.

Kratos is livid. It isn't just rage. It's a cold thing and it's giving Kratos tunnel vision. All that he can see in his mind is the Mask dying a most painful death.

Dropping the now useless Claws of Hades, Kratos pulls out the blades of Olympus. Nobody does that to the Ghost of Sparta and lives to tell the tale.

The blade glows with power as blood pours out of Kratos ears from the horn's blast.

The Mask tries to make yet another funny remark before Kratos tackles him and they both go flying through a wall.

The two of them are suddenly outside of the mountain and they land on a relatively flat rock formation.

Seeing that Kratos is packing a god killing weapon, the Mask has no intention of getting up close and personal with that. So he pulls out another weapon.

He yanks out Dennis the Menace from his pocket and places the kid on the ground. The Mask then pulls a giant syringe out of his ear. "I found this needle on the street, kid; hope you don't mind."

As soon as the rocket fuel/crystal meth mix enters Dennis's blood, the lad has no complaints. He launches himself at Kratos like a projectile instead of a person.

Kratos swings sideways with the blade, trying to bisect Dennis. Instead, he misses and takes a hard punch to the gut.

All the wind leaves Kratos and the mighty man doubles over.

He doesn't have long to recuperate from the first blow because Dennis does a flip and kicks Kratos right on the chin.

The Ghost of Sparta goes flying back. Thankfully he still has all of his teeth in place.

Dazed and battered though he is, Kratos swings the blade of Olympus at Dennis, hoping to decapitate the little grasshopper of a lad.

The strike slices off some of Dennis's hair but the now homicidal prankster couldn't care in his chemically altered state.

Leaping acrobatically, Dennis gives Kratos a powerful kick in the grapes.

Kratos eyes bulge out of their sockets and the warrior suppressed a groan of agony. Looks like it'll be a very long while before the next fun sex oriented mini game.

Kratos has had enough of this. If everybody could see the former God of War getting owned by a ten year old kid, Kratos would have to kill them all to avoid the shame.

He grinds out at Dennis. "You little fucker."

Then with an easy sweep of his arm, he runs Dennis through on the blade of Olympus. Before dying, Dennis punches Kratos square in the face, breaking Kratos fine nose.

But Dennis is dead and that's one more adversary on Kratos impressive kill count. Personally, Kratos might like to kill that annoying sea captain from the first game one more time.

As the Mask would say, but first. . .

The Mask is polishing his nails a lovely pink colour and waiting for Dennis to come back after killing Kratos.

It's not Dennis that comes back, just his head.

The Mask is stunned as the head of Dennis the Menace hits him square in the face.

The Mask gets up, more confused than dazed.

He looks down and sees Dennis's disembodied head. Well, this is a bit morbid.

The green faced vigilante barely makes it out of the way as Kratos brings down the Blade of Olympus with some very lethal intent.

Edge City's crime fighter is just a shade too slow and has a hand sliced off.

Blood pouring out of the wound where his right hand used to be, the Mask shrieks in horror like a little girl.

Kratos is about to drive the blade home into his enemy's heart when he's grabbed around the waist by the carnivorous wardrobe.

Kratos is yanked into the waiting wardrobe and the door slam shut.

The Mask looks down at his bleeding hand. The wound simply refuses to heal.

The Mask has been shot, stabbed, poisoned, clubbed, impaled, castrated and burned in his career battling criminals; this is the first time that a wound dealt to his has lasted. All those other times the Mask shrugged it off as easily as the cartoon characters he imitated.

With a shocking clarity for someone as scatter brained as him, the Mask realizes that this isn't a game and Kratos doesn't have any rules except win.

Green lips twist into an angry snarl. If this asshole wants to play hardball, then he'll get hardball.

The wardrobe of death shakes and grunts as if it is in pain. From inside of it, it is stabbed by the Blade of Olympus and one of the blades of exile.

Blood gushing everywhere, the wardrobe dies and its doors open wide.

Kratos jumps out of the wardrobe dressed like Marge Simpson. He even has a big, blue wig on just like Marge's hair.

Screaming in an emotion beyond fury, Kratos rips off the green dress, pearls and blue wig. He's naked except for his weapons; he's a friggin Spartan, being naked isn't something he's foreign to.

The Mask lunges at Kratos, dressed like a ninja and wielding a sword. He seems to have both of his hands now.

Kratos lashes out with one of the Blades of Exile and spears the Mask through the stomach. The Mask hollers as Kratos slams him into the stone floor again and again.

Growling like an animal, Kratos throws the Mask back through the stone wall where they came from.

The enemy of Kratos tries to get up but Kratos stomps on his hand violently. Before the Mask can even Shriek, his lower jaw is sliced off by Kratos blade.

The Mask transforms into a pirate and tries to shoot Kratos with is musket, but Kratos violently drives a thumb into the Mask's left eye. The violence gratifies Kratos.

Throwing the Mask against, a wall, Kratos charges with like a tidal wave, merciless and unstoppable.

On his best day, the Mask would never be able to avoid the Blade of Olympus the way Kratos is thrusting it now.

The Mask is pinned by the mighty blade like an insect on a pin.

Kratos snorts like a bull; glad to know that this particularly annoying enemy is down for the count.

But wait, something isn't right. The Mask's skin seems to be peeling and falling to the floor, much like the wrapping paper on a package.

To Kratos enormous surprise, when the glamour has worn off, it's not the Mask under his blade.

It's Meg Griffin!

Despite her grievous injuries, Meg smiles as she says. "I died with honour." Then she dies; horribly but no less honourably.

Having been deafened by the horn, Kratos doesn't hear the sound of a giant mallet rising over his head.

The mallet comes down on Kratos bald head and the big man's noggin explodes like an egg hitting the pavement.

Moving on nervous impulse, Kratos's headless body takes a few stumbling steps towards the Mask; swinging the Blade of Olympus clumsily. It's as if even in death Kratos isn't ready to call it quits.

Sure enough though, Kratos corpse lands at the Mask's feet, who still only has one hand.

The Mask gives his trademark grin. "Snooze," he whispers gleefully. Stanley is going to have to learn how to masturbate left handed but at least he'll have bragging rights.

_**The Mask Wins!**_

The Mask: 612 kills

Dennis the Menace-284 kills

Giant Mallet-35 kills

Deadly Horn-200

Evil Wardrobe-93 kills

Kratos: 388 kills

Bow of Apollo- 63 kills

Blade of Olympus- 165 kills

Blades of exile- 51 kills

Claws of Hades- 109

Geoff starts off with his commentary on the episode. "What was interesting here was—

It seems that Geoff is being distracted by his cell phone ringing. "Hang on," the man grumbles to the camera.

Geoff opens his phone and hits a button. "Hello?"

From the other end a frantic voice starts. "Geoff, thank god it's you! Listen, you have to help me?"

Geoff is confused at the desperate voice of Max Geiger coming from the phone. "Max, what's going on?"

"Geoff, I'm in Kandahar right now. I'm in deep shit here, buddy."

Geoff frowns as Armand and the guest experts gather around him. "Kandahar? Okay Max, quit screwing around."

"I'm not screwing around," Max protests, "I was driving to work this morning when I was kidnapped and send to the Near East."

Geoff isn't buying it. "Ha-ha, Max; very funny. But you've been here all d—

Suddenly, Geoff stops in his tracks. Max continues to babble on the phone, but he's also standing right in front of Geoff without any form of phone on him at all.

A look of pure confusion crosses the face of Geoff Desmoulins. If Max is in Kandahar as he claims, then who's that guy in front of him?

Seeing that the gig is up, "Max" smiles; revealing a set of teeth that are too big and white to belong to the real Max Geiger.

In a flash, the impostor spins around like a tornado before turning into. . .

"The Mask!" shouts Lieutenant Kellaway. The dark haired cop pulls out his sidearm and aims it at the green menace. "Hands in the air, you green fucker!"

Geoff is equally outraged. "You bastard, you impersonated our buddy!"

The Mask laughs and briefly turns back into Max. "I'm not a computer expert, although I do play one on TV."

The green and yellow scoundrel uses his thumb to light a cigarette. Exhaling smoke at Kellaway, he tells the detective. "Drop the gun, Lieutenant; it's not going to do shit against me."

Out of spite, Mitch Kellaway empties the whole clip at the Mask, visibly pissing him off.

"Hey Mitch," says the Mask, "I said that wouldn't do a thing."

"What is your purpose in coming here, Mask?" enquires Dr. Pretorius.

The Mask explains. "Well, first I was going to fight crime and then sleep with hookers, but then I found out from my fan base that I was going to be on this show and I just _had _to show up and see it for myself."

"You cheated!" accuses Chuck Liddell.

"Hey," the Mask protests, "I did everything that Max would. I didn't cheat. AND I WON! Free ice cubes and blow for everyone."

At that, the Mask starts to dance while throwing around ice cubes and cocaine. Armand goes down with a load of coke to the eyes. The blinded doctor stumbles to find the eye wash before the coke in his eyes makes him high.

Geoff slips on a free ice cube and bangs his hip pretty badly against a table. Shouting a string of curses, Geoff tries to right himself.

Chuck Liddell is making off with as much coke as he can, snorting enough to kill a horse. Meanwhile, Athena has got a load of ice cubes that she's taking to the freezer. "By the Gods, look at all this ice." Now she'll have a way to keep her sandwiches cold on Olympus.

All that's left are Kellaway, Pretorius and the Mask.

Desperately, Kellaway asks. "Why do you torture me so? Why can't you just kill me?"

The Mask laughs. "Come on! What would I do without you two guys?

To demonstrate, he turns into Heath Ledger's joker and says in that creepy joker way. "You-you complete _me._"

The Mask changes back. "Now let's see how that sounds with unnecessary censorship."

He transforms back into the Joker. "You-you BLEEP _me._"

Then he turns into Batman with the cancer voice. "_You're garbage who _BLEEP_s for money."_

And to finish it all, the Mask gives both his enemies a big wedgie.

But what's happened to Kratos? Won't he be mad that he lost? Not really. Since Kratos killed Zeus, he decided to move to New York City and he now has a job settling debts for the mob.

In the Bronx, Kratos wears an "I heart NY" hoodie which did little to hide his powerful frame.

The powerful Spartan warrior towered over Timon and Pumbaa. "Timon, you borrowed five hundred dollars from Phil Leotardo."

Timon is afraid and Pumbaa is scared shitless. He's smarter than Timon in that he knows Kratos rep isn't inflated; quite the opposite actually.

Timon tries to sweet talk his way out of this one. "Uh, sorry Kratos; Phil's gonna have to take a rain check. We can get the money next week."

Pumbaa covers his eyes and gets on the ground. "Timon," he whimpers, "we shouldn't have bet the money at the race tracks."

Seeing that the money isn't there, Kratos picks up Timon and starts to shake him like a mother in post partum depression shaking her baby.

Timon howls and tries to free himself as the mighty Spartan shakes him like a paint can.

Several people stop and stare at the unusual sight of a Spartan shaking down a meerkat and a warthog. Kratos just growls at onlookers. "The meerkat owes my friend money. Keep walking!"

Eventually, Kratos puts down a disoriented Timon and strips him for all he has. The meerkat's wallet is empty but he's got a nice watch. Kratos puts it around his pinkie; it's quite nice.

By this point Pumbaa has started crying and begging for mercy while Timon loses his lunch.

Kratos strides with his new pinkie watch over to his only mode of transport: a ten speed bicycle. As he undoes the bike chain, Kratos shouts to Timon and Pumbaa. "If I don't have the money by sundown tomorrow I'll kill the both of you and burn Simba's night club to cinders!"

Kratos then realizes something. "Where's my helmet?" He bangs a fist on the handlebars. "Someone stole my fucking helmet!"

Angrily, Kratos pedals down the busy New York street, leaving Timon and Pumbaa wondering as to how they'll get out of this mess."

* * *

And that's all folks. I know most of you were probably rooting for Kratos, but I wanted to shake things up a little. He always wins, usually with the help of some God or another. So I just took that help away. I hope you're not upset and that you had fun.

Next time we've got the legendary Dr. Who vs. the infamous Invader Zim. You won't want to miss it. As Nixon once said, "See my bitches go at it."

I love you all, you've been great readers.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	7. Dr Who vs Invader Zim

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Dr. Who vs. Invader Zim

Disclaimer: I do not own Zim or Dr. Who. They are owned by Nickelodeon, Jhonen Vasquez and BBC. This chapter contains violence and a jolly good time. So read and review :D

* * *

Announcer: _Invader Zim, would be conqueror of the Planet Earth and the most hated Irken in the Irken Empire._

Cue to a shot of a grinning alien with green skin, jagged antennae and pure red eyes.

Announcer: _Dr. Who, the legendary Time Lord who time and time again kicks the ass of oppression where he finds it. _

The screen shows a tall, gangly man with a thick mop of brown hair and a red bowtie.

Announcer: _At the fight club in LA, the two contestants will be evaluated, tried and then set to face each other off in a hypothetical duel to the death._

The Doctor and Zim are shown locked in a struggle of life and Death. They wrestle each other, snarling and foaming like a pair of starving bulldogs.

_It will be a battle with no safety, no rules and no mercy._

A brief clip is shown of a young man with black hair firing a laser gun at a gel dummy and an elderly man sets up some kind of bomb.

_Enter into a world of combat where the title of supremacy is contested by an unpredictable maniac_

Zim cackles and pilots an Irken attack mecha, failing to realize that the planet he's destroying is his own.

_Versus a reckless cad_

The Doctor opens a metal door wide, giving him a full view of a pack of murderous weeping angels, ready to strike the instant he blinks.

_A 360 degree spread of firepower_

Zim laughs like a madman while recklessly blasting everything around him. If GIR gets hit, he'll probably just move on.

_Versus deadly skill_

With a rapier in one hand and a sonic screwdriver in the other, the Doctor singlehandedly holds off the vampires of Venice.

_All in the quest to determine for once and all_

_Who_

_Is_

_**Deadliest?**_

Announcer: _Inside the fight club all are aquiver with excitement as our team of experts prepare for another exciting match._

The show's fight doctor Armand Dorian appears before the camera.

Announcer: _Former ER surgeon and UFC fight Doctor Armand will tell us who is quick and who is dead_.

Armand gives the spread. "This is going to be a very even match between two alien menaces. I haven't seen enough yet to give either side an advantage. The eleventh version of the Doctor doesn't really kill, but he's proven more than capable of doing it. Zim is very willing to use lethal force but he lacks the competence to execute a clean kill."

Announcer: _Biomedical expert and black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the lethality of the weapons against each other. _

The studley Geoff stands in front of a rack chock full of lethal weapons. "I have to give the initial edge here to the Doctor. He's proven to be versatile, he can think quickly under fire and besides; Zim is a total idiot. The guy failed everything he's ever done."

Announcer: _Master of Computers Max Geiger has a very different take on how the fight is going to play out. _

"I'm definitely going to give this one to Zim. The Doctor is good, but in a duel to the death Zim isn't going to hesitate to pull the trigger. Also he's going to have help from GIR; however useless that might prove to be."

Announcer: _Recruited from outside are four experts who know the Doctor and Zim inside and out. _

_For team Zim we have Zim's arch nemesis Dib and fellow invader, Skoodge. _

Skoodge is an Irken Invader, just as Zim is. He's short, has jagged antennae and red eyes; but he looks more in control of himself than Zim.

Dib is an elementary school student obsessed with the paranormal. He has a large head, bizarre geometric curl at the front of his scalp and small glasses over his beady eyes. The Goth dressed child is hardly taller than Zim himself.

Announcer: _Showing up to represent Team Who is none other than Amy Pond, companion of the Doctor and River Song, the Doctor's future wife that he hasn't married yet._

Amy Pond is an enthusiastic young redheaded girl from Northern England, originally from Scotland. She's bouncing up and down with excitement while wearing temporary _Dr. Who_ tattoos on her cheeks.

Dr. River Song is an older woman with bright blond hair and her very presence oozes seduction. She's a milf and a half, no two ways about it.

The camera then takes obligatory time to interview the guests.

Amy Pond goes first. "The Doctor is great—and stuff like that. He'll win; I'd bet on it."

Invader Skoodge takes the spotlight next. "The Doctor is weak," the blocky Irken trumpets. "He may be good against the feeble Daleks but he is no match for an Irken Invader!"

River Song comes next, ever the sophisticated dame. "I have every confidence in the Doctor," she purrs. "I know him better than anyone else: I even know his real name."

The camera operator says something off screen which causes River to frown slightly. "No, I will not tell you his name. It's a secret."

Finally Dib steps up to bat. "Zim is the greatest threat this planet has ever faced (sort of.) He's diabolical and a clinical narcissist. If his delusions are threatened, he becomes dangerous like a wild, wounded animal."

Stats: Zim

Home world-Irk

Affiliation-Irken Empire

Height-4'2''

Weapons-Laser gun, PAK, Organ harvester, GIR

Favourite Movie-Natural Born Killers

The Doctor

Homeworld-Gallifrey

Affiliation-Shadow Proclamation, Time Lord Empire (defunct), British Empire, Torchwood

Height-6'4''

Weapons-Sonic screwdriver, Jammie Dodger bomb, TARDIS, hand mirror

Favourite Movie-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Announcer: _Taking the bull by the horns, our Zim experts surge forth with Zim's deadly laser_

Invader Skoodge holds up a laser gun that looks like something out of retro science fiction. It has a tubular shaped barrel with a utilitarian handle and is red in colour.

"This is a standard _SMEG _Laser Makers laser gun; the standard sidearm of the Irken armed forces. As a direct energy weapon, it suffers from no recoil and Irken technology permits a power source strong enough to generate a laser beam which is nearly a million degrees hot."

"That sounds pretty lethal," Max remarks.

Dib scoffs at Max. "You have no idea the number of times I've nearly been toasted." Everybody just looks at the boy. Dib lowers his head. "Well, okay, I wasn't shot at very often—but give me _some_ credit. Nobody else at school thought it was weird that the kid had green skin."

Armand shakes his head. "It's the carpets. Carpet fibres continually fragment into dust and children breath that dust when they're young; causing all kinds of health problems including autism and asthma. Don't even get me started on the preservatives in the food."

Dib looks up at Armand hopefully. "So you're saying that my classmates are retarded because they sniffed carpet as babies?"

Armand looks hesitant. "I really don't want to use the word "retar—

"Thanks, doctor," Dib beams happily.

"Yeah, uh, no problem," Armand isn't sure how to feel at having accidently validated Dib.

Regardless, it's time for testing. For this event, a dummy of ballistics gel has been made special for this occasion.

Invader Skoodge sits ready with his laser gun. The safety glasses on his head are comically oversized and they keep slipping. It's a miracle that they can stay on his head at all.

Behind the ballistics is a wall of plastic water tanks which are placed in a layer thick enough to absorb the heat of the laser if Skoodge's weapon should over penetrate.

Per tradition, Geoff holds the stop watch and gets ready to give the countdown. "Okay Skoodge, your job is to fire that weapon until you are certain that you have a confirmed kill. Are you ready!"

"For the Irken Empire!" comes Skoodge's squeaky shout.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Almost anticlimactically, Skoodge pulls the trigger. A millisecond or two passes before a red laser beam shoots out of the gun's alignment array. The beam shoots straight through the face of the dummy and burns a baseball sized tunnel in the face and out the top of the head; since Skoodge is so short.

Skoodge holds the trigger and then drags the beam downwards, striking the water tanks and giving off sprays of superheated steam. The dummy itself has a deep canyon cut into it as thick as a baseball, as though it's been erased down the middle by a magical eraser.

Once he has cut down to the sternum of the dummy, Skoodge releases the firing mechanism and takes off the absurd safety glasses which wouldn't have done anything to protect him anyhow.

The Irken invader surveys the damage he has done with pride. "I declare the target dead," he announces.

Announcer: _However our target isn't dead until Armand gives the word. _

In this case it looks like Armand's expertise may not be needed. "The first shot completely vaporized the brain; all that's left is a little trace of the meninges and the bottom half of the brain stem."

Armand's finger trails down the body in the burn trench. "The laser beam annihilated the spinal cord as well as burning the heart. However it only burns half the heart. If you look through the semi-transparent ballistics gel, you can clearly see that the other half of the heart is totally untouched."

The two hosts look on as Armand physically tears out the dummy's imitation heart. "If you look at it this way, the half that still here is just fine. There isn't even any blistering or signs of heat trauma on it."

Dib doesn't see the significance of Armand's statement. "So what? A human with half a heart is still a dead human."

Armand agrees but disagrees. "That's true, but the Doctor isn't human. As a Time lord he has a binary cardiovascular system; he has two hearts. If one heart is destroyed, he can still function impaired with one heart."

Geoff elaborates on what Armand is saying. "So the head shot is a kill but the heart shot is not."

"That's right," affirms the fight doctor.

Announcer: _With no time to waste, our Doctor experts get to work on the Time Lord's most iconic tool of the trade: the sonic screwdriver!_

Inside the fight club, River Song is shown holding up a pen shaped device. For a moment, she presses one of the buttons on it and three identical metal plates open up to reveal a green light on one end. As she does this, the device makes a whirring noise.

"Gentlemen," she explains, "this is the sonic screwdriver. This is the sword of the Doctor. Even when he used a gun in his past versions, he was never far from one of these."

Geoff and the experts take it all in with rapt fascination while Invader Skoodge just shakes his head dismissively.

"Designed on the Doctor's home planet by the Doctor, this is one of the most versatile tools in the history of the galaxy."

Amy Pond finishes off the explanation for River. "Duct tape, eat your heart out."

Geoff looks to his fellow companions. "That sounds impressive," he says, "but can it kill."

"That would be a resounding 'no" says River. "A sonic screwdriver is non-fatal to carbon based organic life forms; though it is highly effective against mechanical, cybernetic and nanotechnological constructs."

Skoodge laughs heartily at Dr. Song. "RAHAHAHAH! Inferior so called weapon."

Little does Skoodge realize that nobody mocks River Song, nobody. So she points the sonic screwdriver at Skoodge and hits the device to its highest setting.

The screwdriver emits a high pitched, glass shattering whine. The force of it causes Skoodge to get to his knees and scream as the lens of the camera cracks and turns the picture into an amateur kaleidoscope.

_Technical Difficulties please stand by_

Invader Skoodge keeps screaming long after Dr. Song stopped hitting the button on the device. Once he's screamed it all out Skoodge gets on his knees and grabs whatever passes for ears on his extraterrestrial head.

Geoff is rapidly tapping on his ear cartilage, trying to get his hearing back. "Oh man, I'm going to hear the phone ringing all day."

Max, used to blasting his iPod all day, hardly even seems affected. "That was amazing. You've completely incapacitated Invader Skoodge and you yourself are completely unaffected.

River Song blushes at the nerd's praise. "Thank you, Max."

"WHAT!" shouts Skoodge; his hearing still completely gone.

Announcer: _With that test done, all that's left is to see the effectiveness of the sonic device on the Irken's laser weapon. _

Amy Pond stands with a fully functional Irken Laser gun on display. In her hands is the Doctor's screwdriver.

"Amy!" calls Geoff, "Are you ready!"

"Oh, bring it on," shouts Ms. Pond.

"3. . . 2. . . 1. . . GO!"

With a look of determination, Amy points the screwdriver like a gun and hits the button. Immediately the device lights up and whirrs. At the same time, the Laser gun gives off a slightly anti-climactic shower of sparks.

Dib picks up the Laser gun and gives the trigger a squeeze. Absolutely nothing happens. "It's been disabled," Dib says.

"WHAT!" Skoodge shouts. "I'M SORRY; I THINK I'VE LOST MY VOICE!"

After Skoodge's shouting fit the experts come to a conclusion.

Geoff indicates his main man Armand. "So, what do we have from the biology front?"

"Well, the laser was a kill, but only because he hit the Doctor in the head. Time Lords are far more resilient than humans or Irken," Dr. Armand explains. "Even if he only has one half of a heart working, the Doctor can still survive in a coma like state."

Max speaks up. "Also the sonic screwdriver was capable of nullifying the laser gun and taking it out of the picture."

"Yeah, but the laser kills," Geoff points out.

"True," Max concedes, "but if you bring a sonic screwdriver to a laser fight, your enemy might as well be brining in a feather duster. We should go with the screwdriver."

Geoff looks to Armand. "Screwdriver for you too?"

Armand nods.

Edge: _The Doctor_

Announcer: _Coming up, things get intense when we test our medium range weapons_

_The PAK, multipurpose tool of the Irken Armed Forces; good for increasing mobility and impaling foes on the spiderlike legs. _

Screen shows an Irken with several long, mechanical legs coming from a compact pack on his back.

Before the camera, Invader Skoodge stands with on the four metal legs of the PAK. "This, Earth Scum," he explains, "Is the PAK. It is the Swiss army knife of the Irken armed forced. Not only does it enhance an Irken's mobility in any environment but it also doubles as a deadly weapon."

River Song is less than impressed by this weapon. "Any environment, did you say? As I seem to remember, the Irken Armada suffered major mechanical problems with their PAKs in Gand's corrosive ammonia atmosphere. Or in Bajor's swamp regions on the southern continent, water damage and native insects all but rendered this technology useless; but I could be wrong." Dr. Song finishes roasting Skoodge with a matronly smile on her face.

Dib jumps to the defence of this Irken weapon. "Look Lady, you wouldn't diss this stuff if you got stabbed through the heart with one of the high tech legs. This is _alien _tech and you can't underestimate something like that."

River Song dismisses Dib with a wave of her hand. "Oh dream on, you little wanker." Dib bristles at this insult but says nothing to the stately woman before him.

Announcer: _To test the lethality of this versatile weapon a pig carcass has been set up to act as a stand in for the Doctor. _

In front of Skoodge a pig carcass hangs from a hook. To make things more realistic, the pig has been fitted with a wig that looks just like the Doctor's mop of brown hair.

From inside the PAK, a mechanical limb comes out with a targeting scope on the end. The scope fits easily over Skoodge's eye.

In Skoodge's POV we can clearly see the scanner analyzing every aspect of the pig, including the wig that Max quickly taped to the hog's head.

Max is standing ready with the stop watch. "Skoodge, are you ready?"

Skoodge shouts proudly. "Bring it, Earth Scum!"

Max ignores the species slur. "In 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . .FIRE!"

Immediately, four mechanical limbs launch themselves out of the PAK and Skoodge goes skittering forward on them.

Immediately, Skoodge makes a strike. A long metallic limb shoots out and goes through the pig's heart. The limb is immediately retracted and it pulls out the pig's heart.

Not done with the Target, Skoodge rears up on the back legs of the PAK and used the forelimbs to slice and disembowel the pig. Huge amounts of blood and intestine take their place as floor decoration.

To finish off the job, Skoodge thrusts one of the spiked legs through the pig's skull, punching a neat hole in the wig.

His grisly work done, Skoodge proudly brandishes the bloody wig as a trophy.

Max just laughs at the carnage wrought by the PAK. "That is total annihilation!"

Skoodge nods in pride at the success of his weapon as Dib explains a few more of its features.

"The PAK isn't just a weapon; it's a highly versatile tool able to sustain an Irken soldier in the field."

At a gesture from Dib, Skoodge activates one of the PAK's utility arms, which ends in a frying pan with a built in heater, for frying up breakfast.

Amy Pond is taken aback by the savage display with the pig carcass. Her certainty of the Doctor winning this fight isn't so strong anymore.

River Song however remains unflappable. The golden haired woman merely points the sonic screwdriver at the Pak and depresses the button. The device emits a high pitched whirr as sparks fly from Skoodge's machine.

The PAK's mechanical legs shudder, startling Skoodge. Without warning, the frying pan arm starts to bash Skoodge over the head.

Each hit of the pan on Skoodge's head results in a loud _CLANG!_ Dib gets behind Skoodge and frantically tries to hit the safety deactivation circuit.

Geoff gives River an appraising look. "There's nothing that thing won't do, is there?"

River smiles, "As was stated previously; it's better than duct tape."

Announcer: _Our experts move on to test the Doctor's medium ranged weapon, the Jammy dodger bomb. Unfortunately due to legal issues we've had to bring in a UN approved weapons tester. So enter Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. _

The Brigadier appears before the camera. He is an upright and stately British officer of UNIT: the Unified Intelligence Taskforce. A dear friend of the Doctor and a veteran warrior against all manner of alien menaces, the Brigadier is perfect to aid in testing the Doctor's issues.

Looking straight ahead, the Brigadier informs the camera. "As a member of UNIT, I have had the pleasure of working alongside the Doctor for nearly twenty years. I know him better than anyone."

Off to the left, Skoodge and Dib eye the brigadier with suspicion. Skoodge fears that a squad of UNIT soldiers will bust onto the set and haul him away for war crimes. Dib just wants to know where the hell these bastards were all those years that Zim was attending school with him.

The Brigadier addresses the audience with a characteristic stiff upper lip. In a way he resembles the Imperial Officers from the original _Star Wars_ movie. "Rest assured that my presence will no way interrupt with the enjoyment of your American television program."

No sooner does the Brigadier say this than a small, humanoid robot jumps on the man's back.

The Brigadier reaches behind him and tries to yank off the shiny metal construct, but the diminutive machine's grip is too tight.

To the surprise of everyone except a few, the robot begins to shriek gleefully. "BANGERS AND MASH!" The robot's voice is high pitched and extremely irritating.

As the Brigadier desperately tries to kick the robot off his back, River Song is totally confused. "What on earth is that?"

Max explains to the woman. "That's GIR, Zim's robot assistant. I locked him up in a broom closet but it looks like he got out."

GIR finally jumps off of the Brigadier's back, causing the elderly British gentleman to stumble and trip headfirst into a rack full of guns. There's a terrible clatter as Lethbridge-Stewart and all the guns hit the floor somewhat painfully. "Shit." Curses the Brigadier.

GIR is a rather cute looking droid. Possessing a large head as well as nonthreatening cyan eyes and chest screen, the diminutive bot looks hardly like a dangerous part of Zim's master plan.

Geoff then motions for Amy. "Uh, hey, Amy, can you take GIR into the shed in the back for me?"

Amy nods and then takes GIR by the hand. "Oh, look at the cute little robot man," she gushes affectionately.

"I saw a convicted rapist," says GIR. Amy blinks her eyes like she can't believe what he just said. "He was doing like this," GIR elaborates. The robot starts to make thrusting motions with his

Announcer: _Uh... moving on! The test for the Jammy dodger begins. _

In the outdoor bomb testing area, the Brigadier holds up something that looks exactly like a little cookie with a jelly center.

"This little cookie with a jelly center is exactly what it looks like."

The three hosts give Lethbridge-Stewart a blank look. "It's really a cookie?" says Armand.

The UNIT officer responds in the affirmative. "Indeed, Mr. Dorian. It is an ordinary cookie until the Doctor imbues it with an energy matrix generated in the heart of the TARDIS. When he does that, this cookie becomes a lethal explosive that can down a Dalek mother ship with the proper application.

Geoff is the first to respond to the Brigadier's info. "Well, the Doctor won't be fighting Daleks this time. Let's see what that can do to an Irken ship."

Set up in the designated target area is an Irken Voot runner, a type of small spacecraft which functions as a long range star fighter. As far as spacecraft goes, it's highly versatile, easy to repair and highly manoeuvrable without sacrificing too much protection.

Invader Skoodge gives a little lesson about the Voot Runner. "The Voot line of spacecraft were designed in response to repeated Dalek invasions on the Irken Empire; incursions which were repelled."

"Then this will be the perfect test of the Doctor's weapon then; a spaceship that can be disabled by a bee," smirks River. Both Dib and Amy look at River like she just said something crazy.

Announcer: _For safety's sake, the Brigadier will remotely detonate the Jammie Dodger bomb._

The Brigadier gently sets down the cookie on a bull's-eye. Satisfied that the Jammie dodger is set down properly, he pulls from his coat a strange device that looks like part scanner and part game boy. After adjusting the knobs for a few minutes over the cookie, a light flashes green and the Brigadier stands up. Partly hidden by the brim of his cap, the Brigadier has a large band-aid on his forehead.

Out of the blue comes GIR, like a bat out of hell. Like a bad odor, he's back. Landing once more on the Brigadier's back, GIR shrieks out. "SANTA CLAUSE!"

In vain, the Brigadier tries to club GIR over the head with his scanner thingy.

Like a flea finished feeding on its target, GIR cackles in a childish way and hops off. Losing balance once more, the Brigadier lands right on top of the exploding cookie.

Luckily, the Brigadier suffers no worse damage than a bunch of crumbs on the back of his jacket. But they'll need a new cookie.

Finally, a short while later everything is set up. The Brigadier is a little more pissed off for the wear but he's alive and well. In his hand he holds the detonator, ready to go off.

Geoff starts the countdown. "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, are you ready to fuck shit up?"

"Yes sir!" shouts the British career soldier.

It starts. "3... 2... 1... FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

One minute there is a cookie next to a Voot Runner. The next second that cookie explodes into a fiery mass of superheated matter and all manner of energy. The Voot Runner is torn apart like a bug hitting a windshield at highway speed. Chunks of purple alien building material are scattered everywhere.

About twenty miles east, Les Stroud, the famous Survivorman is surviving in the desert environment that the _Deadliest Warrior _boys use to test their weapons. Les is just showing the camera how he finds water when he suddenly gets showered by pieces of falling Voot Runner. "Oh, fuck me," curses Les as he grabs the camera and tries to run for shelter.

Back at the fight club, the guys are still cackling over the destruction they witnessed. "I'm not a violent man," Armand confesses, "but that was sweet."

"Yeah," agrees Max. "It was all cool and blue, like a fireworks display but more lethal."

Geoff is every bit as stoked as his comrades. "I completely agree. So, which weapon gets the edge?"

Max knows his stuff. "The Jammy Dodger, hands down. The PAK is lethal but the cookie bomb is lethal-er-er: that's lethal to the power of awesome."

"I'm with Max on this one," Armand injects.

Geoff finally nods. "So Jammy Dodger Bomb gets the edge. Hey guys, somebody should go find GIR."

Max sighs and then picks up a baseball bat and a dog catcher's net from the floor. "I'll go get him."

From down the hall, Amy Pond can be heard screaming. "HE'S IN THE GIRL'S BATHROOM!"

Max curses to himself. "Shit." He wished that GIR's off switch actually worked.

_Edge: _The Doctor

Announcer: _With Medium testing complete, it's time to move onto long range weapons. The Doctor's team opens up with the Time Lord's legendary time machine, the TARDIS!_

The team on the show all are gathered around a large blue telephone box of the type that used to appear in England from the fifties to the late sixties. River Song proudly stands in front of the blue box. "Behold the Doctor's greatest weapon: the Time And Relative Dimensions In Space!"

Max's inner nerd is acting up. "Man, I'm tingling just standing near it."

"Tingle away, my friend," says River. "This is more than a machine, it is a living, growing, thinking life form grown on Gallifrey to serve as the time travelling steeds of the now extinct race of Time Lords."

Dib is shocked by the revelation. "That thing is alive!"

Amy is similarly shocked, but not as badly. "He's got a point. That's alive?"

Geoff and company ignore the surprise of Dib and Amy. In the background, the Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart keeps out a watchful eye in case GIR decides to return to his old shenanigans. "So, tell us; what kind of offensive capabilities does this thing have?"

In her hand, River holds a small handheld remote that vaguely resembles an old gameboy. In fact, it looks exactly like a game boy. "The TARDIS is normally designed for defence rather than offense. The outer hull is sturdy enough to withstand almost any direct energy attack. The force field stops everything else and it's the only vehicle in the galaxy to have a powerful enough drive to escape the pull of a black hole."

Armand poses the question that's nagging at the minds of his and his compatriots. "How would you kill someone with this machine?"

Dib seems rather shocked at the idea of a "weapon" with no offensive capabilities. "It doesn't shoot lasers or anything? This thing sucks."

River Song gives Dib a hard look. "Look here young man; you are not too big for me to spank."

Announcer: _The testing is set up. In place of a live target we have a ballistics gel dummy._

The dummy sits ready. Meanwhile, The Brigadier and Dr. Song are fighting over the game boy remote. "Madam," huffs the Brigadier as he tries to yank it from Dr. Song, "I am an officer of UNIT. I demand you give me this bloody remote!"

River Song pulls back with equal determination. "Not on your life, you senile old codger!"

As the two fight over the game boy, we can see that Amy Pond has got her own game boy. "Yeah, just keep fighting, grand and gran," she mutters while hitting the "on" button.

Right on schedule, the TARDIS begins to rise from where it is sitting; propelled by an invisible force. The Brigadier and the lady stop fighting long enough to see that they've been had.

Expertly, Amy operates the game boy, guiding the TARDIS while biting her bottom lip in concentration.

Silently, the blue box flies directly over top of the dummy. A split second happens before Amy laughs and thumbs the "down" part of the D-pad. The TARDIS drops downward and crushes the dummy like a giant foot. The TARDIS rises briefly before slamming back down on the dummy.

The verdict is an easy one for Armand to make. "He's fucking dead." It's true; the dummy is squashed like a bug. There's precious little to say what the dummy looked like before it was masticated.

Announcer: _Up now is the Irken Organ Harvester; the perfect anti-zombie weapon for the ages. _

Chained up in the testing area is a groaning zombie. Dib holds up a bulbous purple weapon that looks like part retro fifties ray gun and part leaf blower. "This is the organ harvester. It has an auto target function with a sophisticated program to differentiate between friend and foe. It was designed by the Irken Empire when they were attacked by the Zombie Socialist Republik of the Grozny Grad system."

Max knows his Irken history. "Yeah, that's right. The Zombies wore impervious helmets to protect their delicate brains in battle. The Organ Harvester renders those adamantine helmets useless."

As the Brigadier watches, he realizes that GIR is standing right next to him. The aged general jumps and puts some distance between himself and the robot. "Stay back, you alien menace!"

"I want a piñata," says GIR; then he walks off.

Announcer: _For safety's sake, we have a special anti-zombie expert in case things get out of hand. Meet Earl Ianto Harvard Jr. _

Earl is a pissed off Appalachian hunter with a gun, a bow, a knife and a collection of skulls as trophies. Earl's unshaven face is covered with more scars than the Gaza strip after a bombing campaign. His huge elephant hunting rifle is aimed squarely at the zombie.

Dib gets within thirty feet of the zombie and starts to twist knobs on the side of the weapon. The Irken are a species who love their knobs.

Dib Membrane quickly runs through a list of organs from the weapon's "most popular" playlist. Spleen: no. Ovaries: no. Gonads: a big no. Parmesano Ortegasmo: what the hell is that?

At last, Dib has gotten the right organ selected. "YES!" he crows. "Time for some zombie annihilation." He's been playing too many of his sister's zombie killing video games.

In time honoured fashion, Geoff gives the countdown. "Dib, you kill that thing in 3... 2... 1... FOR RACCOON CITY!"

The result is almost anti-climactic. There is a _boosh_ noise from the gun, like a silenced handgun as well as a distortion of air around the barrel.

The effects are undeniable. The zombie which was a moment ago was groaning for the chance to take a juicy chunk out of the young boy, now suddenly stops. Its eyes roll back in its head and it keels over like a wino after too much cheap hooch. Off to the side, Earl doesn't move his weapon; too many friends of his have fallen to zombies that only looked dead.

In order to properly examine it, Armand begins slicing open the skull with a saw while Earl holds it down. After a few minutes of cutting, examination reveals only an empty skull.

Dib sees this and chuckles to himself. "Score one victory for Team Zim—if anyone asks I didn't say that."

Grabbing a bolt on the side of the weapon, Dib pulls on it and a perfect, rotten zombie brain pops out like an empty bullet shell.

Armand looks at the brain on the ground. "You mean I sawed open this stinking Zombie head for nothing?

Off in the back, the Brigadier turns around to see that GIR is back. GIR holds a baseball bat in his hands and has a colourful piñata hanging from a string. "I got my piñata!" GIR trumpets gleefully in his high pitched voice.

The malfunctioning robot swings his bat at the piñata but misses by a wide margin; instead he ends up hitting the Brigadier in the balls.

Lethbridge-Stewart goes down hard and fast.

GIR then drops his baseball bat and rips into the piñata with his hands. The robot starts eating the candy with gluttonous glee.

Geoff turns to the Appalachian hunter and hands him a cheque. "Here's a thousand bucks, Earl; we want GIR alive."

Earl touches the brim of his hat and goes to earn his thousand bucks.

The three hosts are shown talking and discussing. "Max, what do you think?" says Geoff.

"I'm definitely going with the Irken weapon on this matter. The TARDIS is deadly but it's slow, you can outrun it. There's no escape with the Organ Harvester."

Armand concurs with his nerdy pal. "Ditto that; the removal of the brain is lethal, even for the Doctor. There is a chance however small that Zim might survive being stomped on."

Edge: Zim

Announcer: _and now for our final round of testing: the special weapons! This features whatever irregular weapons that are unique to our distinct warriors. _

Standing in front of the team of experts is GIR, Zim's faithful robot servant. This time, GIR's cyan eyes and chest plate have turned blood red and his voice is deeper and less silly. "GIR, reporting for duty," he buzzes. "My mission is to obey Geoff, Max and Armand."

River Song is familiar with the design of robot that GIR belongs to. "So I see that Zim has got himself a SIR unit."

"My name is GIR," the robot chirps good naturedly. Almost immediately, his eyes and plate return to cyan and his voice becomes higher pitched.

Dr. Song seems confused. "GIR? Aren't you a Standard Information Retrieval unit?"

GIR doesn't even seem to hear Dr. Song's question. "My name is GIR." A stupid smile is plastered all over GIR's face.

Amy Pond hovers over GIR. "So, what does the 'G' stand for?"

."I don't know." The robot confesses. Everyone just gives GIR a "wtf" look. Everyone except Brigadier Lethbridge-Steward. He looks like he wants to kill GIR. The stately British officer holds an ice pack over his aching nuts.

Without warning, GIR starts to bang his head repeatedly while laughing maniacally.

Announcer: _To simulate a live target, GIR will be required to climb through a deadly obstacle course and take out a pig carcass. _

The obstacle course is indeed lethal. Blocking GIR from the pig carcass is a minefield, an electric fence and a twenty foot pit covered by a tarp.

Dib is the one this time who has the stop watch. "GIR," he shouts, "RIP HIS ASS OFF!"

GIR's eyes turn red and he salutes.

In a reversal of his usual personality, GIR navigates the minefield with ease; hopping over the mines like a metal cricket.

Then, GIR dives right through the electric fence like a break-dancer on adrenaline.

At last, GIR leaps right over the covered pit and makes straight for the pig.

Immediately, GIR drives one razor sharp fist deep into the pig carcass. There is a squelching noise as GIR pulls out his fist and makes ready for another blow.

Suddenly GIR sees a fly and then it's back to normal. "BUGGY!" he shrieks blissfully.

GIR then decides to chase after that darn old fly. The fly buzzes erratically, unaware of the robot gone wrong.

GIR jumps at the fly, hitting the electric fence. The robot sizzles on the wires before falling into the minefield.

Geoff and the guys start cursing as the airheaded robot sends them scrambling for cover.

GIR's clumsiness detonates several landmines in an epic orchestra of BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!

Finally, electrocuted and bombed up, GIR stumbles and falls into the covered pit. GIR hits the bottom of the pit with a _clang_. He finishes with a typical non sequitur. "Ah, I wanted to touch the buzzy-buzz."

Announcer: _Net up is the hand mirror, a tool of vanity turned to lethal intent!_

Amy Pond holds up a very expensive looking antique mirror which is carved from ivory and is backed with real silver.

Geoff whistles as he looks up and down the hand mirror. "That thing looks expensive."

Max looks excitedly at the mirror. "Is it a high tech gizmo death ray?"

Amy shakes her head. "No, it's just a mirror. You hit people on the head with it." Max looks very disappointed.

Invader Skoodge seems surprised and he points at the improvised weapon. "Can that actually kill someone or is it just useless?"

Amy chuckles at Skoodge's suspicion. "Just wait and see. Mr. Alien."

Meanwhile, GIR has made the mistake of approaching the Brigadier. The Brigadier huffs and looks down on the innocent looking robot. "Well, what do you bloody want?" The threatening tone of his voice does nothing to intimidate GIR.

Then GIR asks what is probably the worst question ever. "Are you gay for the Doctor?"

For a second, the Brigadier stands immobile with incandescent rage. Then with lightning reflexes he pulls out his gun and shoots GIR in the eye at point blank range.

The large calibre bullet hits GIR in his left eye and sends him flying backwards into a stack of ammunition. "No," answers the Brigadier.

Unsteadily, GIR gets up as sparks fly from his damaged eye. He puts one hand over his injury and stumbles in the direction of Amy.

In a voice that's more confused than usual, GIR says. "I need directions." And then he grabs Amy's crotch.

Amy immediately gasps and shoves the robot off of her. Passing off the hand mirror to Max, he turns to River song, who hands her a large mace off of a weapons table.

Using the mace like a cricket bat, Amy swings it in a wide arc and takes GIR's head completely off. The disembodied robot head flies across the fight club and lands in a garbage pail. GIR's body stands still for about four or five seconds and then it falls over like a tree in the forest; no bending of the limbs whatsoever.

Before anybody can say something awkward, Armand does the right thing. "Let's test this weapon."

Flash to Amy standing before a ballistics gel dummy with the mirror high over her head, perfectly ready for an overhand swing.

Max readies the stop watch as Geoff finishes attaching the motion sensors to Amy's arm and the ivory handle of the mirror. "Amy, get ready to kill in 3... 2... 1... GO!"

Amy raises the mirror higher and screams out in a high pitched, hostile shriek that would leave any warm blooded male running under the bed for cover with his testes firmly tucked inside his body.

The red haired English lass spared no effort, she brings down that heavy mirror as hard as she can; it's like the ballistic dummy killed her family and she's looking for revenge.

The dummy's head bursts through the back of the mirror, heavily lacerated by the glass. To finish him off, Amy starts turning the handle left and right so that the remaining glass shards can slice into the arteries and windpipe.

When the test is said and done, the experts go over the evidence. "What'll it be guys, GIR or mirror?"

The former ER doctor goes first. "I have to say the Hand mirror. It may be slightly less lethal than GIR but it's more relievable; you hit them and they're dead."

"I disagree," injects Max, "GIR is deadlier. Despite his erratic nature, he did inflict a single, lethal strike on that pig carcass—before totally fucking up. And the mirror is just a one hit weapon, and then it's done."

Under Max's arm is GIR's head, held there like a soccer ball. The guys will put him back together, just not right away.

"But the mirror did also inflict a kill," says Armand. "The skull was fractured by the impact, similar to smashing someone over the head with a beer bottle. Also, while not lethal, the initial lacerations are quite painful. And when Amy twisted the handle, there was some severe cutting to the carotid and jugular arteries."

Geoff brings up another factor. "Something else to consider is that GIR is a ranged weapon. Even if he just distracts the Doctor, he might give Zim the opening he needs to get a lethal hit in." His companions see the logic in this. "Besides, if nothing else, GIR will probably take the mirror because it's shiny."

The solution is obvious

Edge: Zim

Announcer: _With the gruelling testing complete, it's time to bring these interstellar menaces to brawl. It's an all out fracas with no rules, no safety and no mercy. Let the battle begin! To our audience, those who are about to die salute you!_

At his computer console, Max compiles the final data. With the hit of a button, it's time for the games to begin.

* * *

Simulation:

All is turbulent inside the Sity. Everything is destitution and urban decay. People are rude to each other and stuff is spelt improperly in an easy to make the narrative look cool.

Standing amidst the usual chaos of the city's filthy, organic nature is the home of invader Zim. Zim's home is disturbingly average and alarmingly artificial.

Laser equipped garden gnomes stand guard and a psychotic human cackles and operates homemade booze still inside Zim's garage. Zim just hasn't gotten around to throwing that guy out yet.

The inside of Zim's home is equally artificial; a misguided attempt at shooting for the norm. Surprisingly enough, there is no sign of Zim or his faithful servant GIR.

Suddenly there is a noise in Zim's kitchen. It's a strange whirring noise accompanied by the slow materialization of a blue police box.

Like the city or Zim's home, the blue box has its own feel. The feel is _British_. It's as if the heart of all that Britain is was distilled into this one blue box. It's the antithesis, rebuttal and the slap in the face to all those shitty American sci-fi films directed by the likes of Roland Emmerich and Michael bay.

It represents warmth and a heart which is unique to the British Isles.

The blue box stops silent, it is now fully materialized into our timeline. With an equally trademark squeak of simple metal hinges, the lone occupant of the box exits and reveals himself.

It is a man in a brown suit with a dark red bowtie and messy mop of brown hair. This man is the Doctor and he is truly geek.

Currently, he looks around with great excitement. At last, the TARDIS has delivered him to the exact moment in space and time he punched into the dials. For a while now it's been just dropping him months or years off of when he wanted to be.

A quick cursory glance around reveals to the Doctor that he's in the home of an alien. This fills him with joy as he always enjoys seeing a fellow space man or woman. Or other.

However, the Doctor knows that he'll have to leave for a spell. Whoever this alien is, they may not like a strange visitor materializing in their home without permission. That should be remedied by the Doctor going back into the TARDIS and moving forward five minutes in time.

Unfortunately for the Doctor, Murphy and his damn law kicks in.

The Doctor freezes as he hears the telltale noise of an Irken laser gun switch into firing mode.

Slowly, the Doctor turns around to see who or what he is facing. At less than half his height, an Irken invader and a strange looking SIR unit stand ready to kill the Doctor.

The infamous Zim trains his laser gun on the bizarre stink-human that has infiltrated his kitchen; flashing a white zipper toothed smile that would unsettle most humans.

"You think you're so clever with your blue boxy thing, worm baby," Zim taunts in that menacing falsetto voice, "well, you have to get up extra early to get the drop on ZIM!" The green creature with angular antennae shouts his name aloud.

Like a Bond villain, Zim announce his plans to the Doctor, whose muscles are now coiled like those of a cobra ready to strike.

GIR chooses this moment to say something random. "Ah killed fitty Na'vi but they took my robot!"

Zim's finger tightens on the activation button of his weapon, but the Doctor reacts first. Seemingly instantaneously, the Doctor has a finger on the button of his sonic screwdriver. Having no time for manipulation, the Doctor goes for brute force.

The screwdriver fully extends in the Doctor's pocket and emits a high pitched screeching noise that hits Zim like a ton of bricks.

The Irken invader screams and drops to his knees. His massive red eyes widen with pain and he drops the laser gun. Screaming barely softer than the sonic screwdriver, Zim grabs at his delicate antennae and pulls on them in a vain attempt to halt the sound.

GIR watches the proceedings with detached mental retardation.

Turning on his heel, the Doctor tries to run for his time machine; better to play coward than to stick around and see who's the better killer.

No such luck for the Doctor; something grabs his pant leg and causes him to trip. Unexpectedly, GIR is grabbing the Doctor's pant leg. "Don't go, raggedy man," the malfunctioning robot says, "I want to play _Manhunt_ with you."

Seeing that Zim is recovering from the sonic attack, The Doctor knows that to avoid confrontation he will need to get out of here fast. Kicking GIR in the face, the spindly alien gets up and grabs the handle of the TARDIS door.

Before he can get in, a laser beam hits the door next to the Doctor's hand. The Doctor pulls back and yelps in pain.

Zim is back on his feet and he doesn't need a sense of hearing to laser off the Doctor's head.

Taking aim with his screwdriver, the Doctor tries to mess up Zim's laser but the Irken invader hops to the side and only catches the sonic blast partially.

Still, the sonic screwdriver is able to successfully sabotage Zim's PAK. Robotic arms flail wildly as random tools shoot off in tandem.

Thrown for a loop by his malfunctioning PAK, Zim shouts for aid from his robot servant. "GIR, aid meeeee!" Zim then screams in pain as an automatic lemon zester starts to peel the hard green exoskeleton on his face. GIR seems not to notice

Fuelled by rage and pain, Zim rips off the lemon zester and manages to activate the PAK's shutdown sequence. He takes aim at the Doctor with his laser when all of the sudden—

"HOLD IT!" the Doctor shouts loud enough for Zim to actually pause.

In the Doctor's hands is held the deadly Jammie Dodger bomb. "Now while I am not a violent man, I do have a history of mental illness and I am holding a very powerful explosive; so one thing you do not want to do is interrupt me!"

Zim laughs with his trademark melodrama; it's enough to make a person sick. "Ignorant pustule, you should TREMBLE before my greatness!"

The Doctor is less than impressed with Zim, he's fought tougher invaders and meaner than Zim. "Oh please," he scoffs, "I'm the one holding an explosive powerful enough to kill both of us so if you would please stop pointing guns in my direction; I really hate that."

Zim has no fear of the strange human or his bomb, if it is a bomb. Zim is ignorant enough of human culture to be unable to tell the difference between a sophisticated killing machine and a sugary treat.

The Irken chuckles. "While you threaten me with your puny "bomb," any minute now my faithful underling will strike you where you stand!" Zim finishes this with a long cackling laugh.

The Doctor gazes around; no loyal lackey in sight, just GIR staring blankly into space.

This inaction angers Zim. "I said, my faithful underling will finish you off! GIR, move or I will MIGHTILY kick you in the ass!"

GIR doesn't even respond, he's just looking at the Doctor's bowtie.

While still keeping his attention focused on Zim, the Doctor sets his screwdriver to scan; what he sees horrifies him. "My stars," the Doctor accosts Zim, "did you know that your SIR unit has got a various odds and ends in place of important AI computing equipment?" The sonic screwdriver whirrs as the Doctor tries to repair GIR.

Zim is highly offended by the Doctor's words. "Incestuous mud leech!" Zim curses. "I am ZIM! And no one uses technology like ZIM!"

The Doctor nearly drops his screwdriver; he has just finished repairing GIR. "What!"

No, it' can't be Zim; not _that_ Zim.

GIR's eyes glow with a renewed light. "Hey," says the robot, "I'm smart now. I'M GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!"

GIR starts to run away but stops when Zim shouts his name. "GIR, get back here; we must kill the intruder!"

To Zim's surprise, his servant tells him off. "Screw you, Zim; you piece of shit. I'm done with you." And then GIR was gone in a fit of laughter.

Zim's solid red eyes are full of hurt and he grips the handle of his gun hard enough that his fingers are at risk of breaking off.

Zim's whole life has been comprised of failure. He's failed at nearly everything he's done, no matter how simple. GIR's loyalty was one constant in his life that he took for granted. Now, the gaping wound left by GIR's absence is leading Zim's mind down a dark road. He suddenly sees that his mission is a sham and the empire he adores so much has thrown him to the curb like a piece of garbage.

Zim looks at the Doctor again; he is seeing red. Zim's whole world is coated in a layer of blood so thick it would make Johnny the Homicidal Maniac break down and start crying.

Zim shrieks like a wounded animal and aims his weapon at the Doctor's head, but this time the Doctor is ready.

The sonic screwdriver unfolds and gives off its mechanical purr. Simultaneously, Zim's weapon shoots out sparks.

Seeing that his gun is inert, Zim casts it aside and throws himself at the Doctor. In mid air, the locomotive arms of the PAK shoot out with their razor sharp tips.

The Doctor ducks and feels the rush of wind where a thin mechanical arm would have gone right through his eye.

Not losing hold of the cookie bomb, the Doctor rolls out of the way as the PAK's arms strike the floor with lethal force.

Executing an acrobatic manoeuvre, the Doctor flies up onto the kitchen table while avoiding having his legs cut off at the knees.

Zim is making bizarre noises that sound like a blender full of screws. Using the PAK he flips over the table with the Doctor on top of it.

In the ensuing chaos, the Doctor loses hold of his cookie bomb. The strategy has changed; like it already hasn't.

Zim rears up on two mechanical legs and prepares to bring down through the Doctor like a praying mantis.

Very suddenly, the table flips up and hits Zim in the face; causing the pint sized alien to fly backwards.

Despite his skinny build, the Doctor has some substantial upper body strength.

The Doctor sees that Zim is now a rabid animal. If he succeeds in killing the Doctor then he may kill himself and take planet earth with it. Like a veterinarian, the Doctor is called to put Zim out of his misery.

Long legs propelling him forward, the Doctor grabs the first thing he can reach in his jacket.

That object in question turns out to be a very heavy antique hand mirror made of ivory.

Zim shakes his head and rears up once more on spindly artificial legs. Against the Doctor's instincts and expectation, Zim makes a strategic retreat. Metal legs skitter across the floor and the Doctor misses the wide swing with his hand mirror.

Zim charges down the hall like a monster spider out of a children's nightmare. Hot in pursuit is the Doctor. Together they look like horror movie figures: the benevolent Doctor and the grotesque monster. I wonder what the Doctor's loved ones would say if they figured out that the Time Lord had killed more people than the mad Irken.

Zim makes a sharp right and throws himself down a ventilation shaft, without hesitation, the Doctor pursues his prey.

Down the ventilation shaft the Doctor goes. Everything is pitch black and the wind rushes through his hair. The Doctor cannot calculate how deep they are going into the bowels of the Earth he is going.

The Time Lord puts both heels to the wall in order to give himself a bit of control in his descent.

Activating the sonic screwdriver, the Doctor detects that Zim is not far ahead in the blackness

Zim turns his head around and sees that his mark is still following. The Doctor will regret it, Zim swears it. With his skittering cybernetic limbs, Zim slashes off fixtures in the wall.

Falling down the shaft, the Doctor avoids these flying objects by the skin off his knuckles.

Though it felt like an age, the Doctor can see the bottom of the ventilation shaft. His landing is a bit painful, as the time traveller falls through a purple grate and hits his ass hard on a purple floor.

The upstairs might be superficially human but down here in the heart of the house, everything is done according to Irken engineering and architecture. Hard angles, sharp geometry and purple are the order of the day down here.

The Doctor lands and sees that his mirror is broken, but that's hardly important as his sonic screwdriver is still in his hand. A press of the button confirms to him that the all important tool still works.

Up on the ceiling, Zim clings like a gigantic mosquito or spider. The foolish man doesn't even suspect that Zim is over him.

But the Doctor does.

Without even looking, the Doctor holds up his sonic screwdriver and fires it right at Zim. Rather than go berserk, the PAK simply shuts off.

Yelping and sounding a bit more like his usual self; Zim hits the floor in a most undignified way.

Zim thrashes to untangle himself from the limp PAK limbs but the Doctor's voice stops him dead.

The Doctor is focused, every bit of his attention is fixed on Zim; and for some reason he's holding what looks like a gameboy in his other hand. "You are Zim." It's more of a statement than a question.

Zim grits his teeth and speaks in a voice a few octaves deeper than normal. "I am Zim and I will end you."

The Doctor is troubles; in Irken psychology excessively referring to oneself in first person is usually a sign of instability.

The Doctor points at Zim, his voice is glacial. "Zim, I am the Doctor."

Even in his psychotic state, Zim's eyes widen at the name which is as famous in the Irken Empire as Adolf Hitler.

The Time Lord tries to reason with Zim. "Zim, I know you want to kill me and there's probably nothing I can say that will stop you. I only ask that this fight is between us, no need to involve any innocents."

For a second, Zim's face is blank. Suddenly, it twists into a most horrible grin. The corners of his mouth pull up in a way which seems impossible for Zim's physiology and the Irken's thin red tongue snakes out.

Zim speaks in a voice as dangerous as bare feet on broken glass. "Doctor, I am an Invader. If my mission is a lie, then I don't care. I will still destroy this planet! Destruction marches through my veins!"

Zim stands up, PAK legs dangling limply behind him. "Doctor, I love what I do. I did kill half the population of my home planet by accident. I am not proud of it, but neither do I regret it." Zim's face changes into a sardonic sneer. His manner is evocative of a German Expressionist actor; reality is irrelevant and all that matters are the emotions.

"I will kill you, Doctor. Your bloody head will look good on my wall," Zim casually comments. His vision is still red and full of blood; the most terrifying snuff film in history just waiting to happen.

The Doctor speaks next in this powder keg atmosphere. "This is your last chance to surrender, sunshine." He stands a bit straighter and thumbs a button on his game boy. "I am the Doctor; I'm someone nobody wants to fuck with." The Doctor's eyes narrow, "Do you understand that?"

The Doctor then stands proud, towering over the homicidal Zim. He has nothing against Zim. If anything, he'd rather help him than kill him. But since Zim plans to annihilate large numbers of innocents, he's more than ready to waste the fucker without prejudice.

The Doctor presses another button on his game boy and then announces to his foe. "I am Doctor Who; I am the oncoming storm. I am the superior life form."

Zim just sniggers a bit; it sounds like someone rubbing metal on rusty steel. It's far more frightening than his usual laugh.

When from behind his back, he produces the organ harvester.

Zim's enemy however is more than prepared for this. Like his life depends on it, the Doctor mashes the buttons on the game boy.

Zim fires his gun but a sudden vibration shakes the whole house and instead of the Doctor's brain, he takes the Doctor's hand.

The Doctor looks at the hand which held the sonic screwdriver. This is just like during the Tenth Doctor and the Sycorax.

Zim is showered with debris as the TARDIS explodes through the ceiling, burrowing through all the layers of security like they are nothing.

Seeing that the TARDIS will crush him, Zim tries to run but trips on the inert PAK legs.

The TARDIS crashes down on Zim like a boot crushing a cockroach. Irken blood and guts go flying all over the camera.

Zim's reign of terror is at an ignominious end.

All is not over yet, exhausted not physically but morally; the Doctor goes to get something of his.

In Zim's dead hand is the Organ Harvester. His fingers wrap tight around it even in death.

Easy as pie, the Doctor pulls back on the bolt of the weapon and out pops his hand, complete with sonic screwdriver.

He leaves with his hand and the screwdriver, determined to forget this whole mess.

_**THE DOCTOR WINS!**_

Kill Count:

The Doctor: 569 kills total

Sonic Screwdriver-0 kills

Jammie Dodger Bomb-285 kills

TARDIS-150 kills

Hand Mirror-134 kills

Zim: 431 kills

Laser Gun-45

PAK-89 kills

Organ Harvester-160 kills

GIR-137 kills

Geoff appears on camera. "This was an interesting match because even though the Doctor's sonic screwdriver wasn't lethal, it was highly effective in that it made Zim's weapons inert; that way he didn't lose any kills to Zim."

Max now stands to give testimony. "I probably pissed off a lot of Zim fans, but my programming is second to none. The Doctor has the superior weapons and the means to use it. With Zim, you're actually safer if he's trying to kill you."

Armand then gives the medical perspective. "The Doctor's anatomy is very resilient; more so than Zim. That's very impressive because those Irken are a species more resilient than cockroaches.

Announcer: _And now instead of listening to the experts, we've brought in fans of the show to comment on today's episode_

In the back, all the experts are engaged in an all out brawl. The Brigadier and River Song are slugging it out like two amateur wrestlers; River has got one hell of a right hook. Skoodge and Dib are both ganging up on Amy, who is holding them back rather well. She manages to poke Skoodge in the eye and kick Dib in the sausage.

The camera cuts to the bridge of a Star Destroyer, where Darth Vader stands. "I enjoy this television program greatly," the Sith Lord confesses. "I watch it because _Family Guy _has become a disgrace. If Seth McFarlane does not return Stewie to the status of an evil genius instead of a walking gay stereotype, he will feel my fury, my boot between his gums and the edge of my light sabre," the armoured nightmare threatens.

The scene cuts again, this time to Broadmoor Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Before the camera is Britain's most violent prisoner, Charlie Bronson. The five foot ten, two hundred and ten pound convict is surrounded by unconscious bodies and the camera crew cower in fear as they film Charlie; the swastika painted in blood on his face doesn't make him look any friendlier. "I fucking loved this episode!" gushes Charlie, his eight inch moustache bobbing. "It was fucking great! That fucking cunt Zim got shit on by the Doctor!"

Suddenly, a swarm of prison guards come in and haul Charlie back to Solitary. Charlie doesn't go without a fight though.

Former US president George Bush appears cowering behind a sturdy desk with a revolver in his hand. The Texan is visibly shaken. "Howdy, I enjoy _Deadliest Warrior_."

Bush looks around nervously. "Uh guys, I'd love to do an interview but Dick Cheney is on PCP and I don't want to risk it."

Suddenly, the sound of Dick Cheney kicking down the door is heard. Bush springs up and starts firing his revolver.

The feed cuts off after that.

One person is not nearly so happy with this week's episode. The episode ending plays on a TV monitor. Suddenly, a roast chicken splatters against the monitor, leaving behind a greasy stain.

In his base, Invader Zim is furious about being put on human TV show. Grabbing the rest of his _Swiss Chalet_ takeout meal, Zim flings French fries everywhere and tosses a 1/3rd rack of ribs at the video monitor.

Zim starts to freak out—some more. "ZIM has been put on a _filthy_, _disgusting, putrid, ffffffucking awful_ earthman show!"

Stomping on the French fries, Zim promises revenge. "ZIM did not want to be on that shitty TV show. ZIIIIIIIIMMM will have his revenge!"

* * *

And that's a wrap folks :D I hope that you enjoyed this episode and that you stay tuned for my other stories. Next up I will be updating my masterpiece, _The Big Hellsing_; so stay on the watch for that

To make things clear, Charlie Bronson is a real person. They made a movie about him just recently. He's a psycho convict who spent 34 years in jail and 30 years in solitary confinement. I suggest you watch the movie _Bronson; _it's the new Clockwork Orange.

For the next chapter of this story, I will try to do one of my requests from the fans. I'm not sure which one though, but it will be up to my usual quality.

School is still tough on me but I try my best :D I do it all for my fans. Don't forget to drop me any requests, but actually review as well. Don't just review me and then drop a dozen requests with no feedback.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	8. Wolverine vs Alexander Anderson

Deadliest Warrior: Wolverine vs. Alexander Anderson

Disclaimer: I own nothing of this. They are owned by Marvel Comics and Kouta Hirano. And god bless both of these characters because they are some of my favourites

* * *

Announcer: _Alexander Anderson, psychotic assassin of the Catholic Church and the sword of the Iscariot Organization._

A gigantic, violent man with blond hair and green eyes whips razor sharp bayonets from his long priest's coat and cuts apart the vista on the camera. The sliced screen falls to pieces and reveals a man in a strange yellow outfit with sharp metal claws coming from his knuckles.

_Wolverine, lethal fighter of the Canadian Special Forces and iron clad ally of the X-men. _

The screen changes to show images of the deadliest warrior crew testing out various weapons and deadly devices.

Announcer_: Here at the fight club using twenty-first century technology and the expertise of the finest fighters, we will recreate an epic battle in order to see who is _

_**THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR**_

Announcer: _Here on the show, the stakes are being raised. We strive for accuracy_

In the club, a Japanese nun is shown wielding a katana in a most lethal fashion. While off to the side a large blue brute handles a machine gun with the same delicacy as he would handle an egg.

_Representing Team Wolverine are Hank "Beast" McCoy and Scott "Cyclops" Summers. Both are current members of the X-men who have fought multiple times alongside Wolverine. In addition to being superheroes, McCoy is a highly skilled doctor of genetics and Summers is a mixed martial artist. _

Beast appears before the camera. Despite his fierce exterior, he comes across as a gentle and compassionate intellectual. "Oh, I have no doubts of Logan's ability to prevail. He is a supremely intelligent fellow and while I do not mean to speak ill of religion in general, religious fundamentalism is never a way of life that is conductive to intelligent thought."

Cyclops is less polite in his outlook. "Logan is going to kill Alexander Anderson. It will be no different from killing Ninjas from the Hand or members of Hydra."

Announcer: _Leading the way for Team Anderson are two members of the Vatican's own secret police and assassination force Iscariot: Section Thirteen. _

A subtitle announces the Japanese nun as Yumie Tagaki. Yumie is a fiery berserker nun whose insanity is only surpassed by Anderson. "We are Iscariot, named for the betrayer apostle Judas. We are not afraid to die and we welcome the oblivion of hell so that we may fight the demons of the pit on their own ground."

_Enrico Maxwell is the leader of section thirteen and Alexander Anderson's commanding officer._ Maxwell is a grey haired weasel of a man in his late twenties. He is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with the Catholic Church. "I have all faith that Anderson will prevail. He is one of the few who has stood against the vampire Alucard and lived to tell the tale. One hairy Canadian should pose no problem."

Announcer: _Former fight doctor Armand Dorian will be on the scene to determine the lethality of the weapons on the flesh of an opponent. _

As per usual, Armand is put on the spot. "What's interesting here is that both of these men fight for what they believe is right. The difference is that Wolverine's morals are more fluid while Anderson is far more rigid." He then adds, "Plus it will be fun to work with Beast again. He and I went to medical school together."

_Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will use his hefty knowledge in order to gauge which weapon is deadlier. _

"When you look at it, both of these guys are very hard to kill. Wolverine was shot with a fifty calibre machinegun nonstop for three months and came out alive. Alexander Anderson took machinegun fire from an entire Brazilian police squad and he didn't even feel it. They're going to have to go for broke in order to kill each other."

_And tying up everything with a pretty bow is computer master Max Geiger._

The Afro wearing man gives his two cents. "I can't even begin to guess who's going to win this fight. Both of these guys are next to unkillable. That's why my computer program will sort it out; no bias there." He pauses and then has a thought. "And I'm glad that Wolverine finally killed Sabretooth; that guy was a menace."

Stats:

Wolverine:

True name-James Howlett aka Logan

Height- 5'5''

Weight-167 lbs

Special abilities-Mutant healing factor and animal keen senses

Weapons-Claws, Bren Light Machinegun, flash bang grenade, Captain America's Shield

Alexander Anderson:

True name-Unknown

Height-7'3''

Weight-450 lbs

Special abilities-infinite bayonets in coat, healing factor

Weapons-bayonets, bayonet throw, bible, Helena's nail

Announcer: _First in line we test out the short range weapons. Taking point are Wolverine's indestructible adamantium coated claws. _

Scott summers stands before a target consisting of three pig carcasses. Each pig carcass hangs from a rope in the middle of the floor; giving Scott plenty of room for slicing and dicing. Geoff prepares by attaching motion trackers on Scott's wrists and on the handheld version claws designed to replicate Logan's claws within a reasonable degree of accuracy.

Almost satisfied with his work, Geoff instructs Scott to move his wrists and arms around. On one of Max's screens, we see a three dimensional movement graph registering the force and velocity of Scott's movement. Max shouts and gives a thumbs up. Everything is ready to begin.

Scott gets into martial arts stance with the artificial hand held claws. Geoff gives the countdown. "Scott, prepare to attack in 3... 2… 1… GO!"

Without a word, Scott attacks. Exhaling sharply as he does, he drives the three claws on his right hand through the heart of the closest pig. Then moving like lightning Scott spins around and spears the other two pigs through the heart at the same time. But he doesn't stop there.

Scott begins to slash and slice at his pig targets. A single slice almost cleanly cuts right through one pig; the dead swine keeps in one piece by a single strip of skin.

Another pig loses its head and another has its guts spilled all over the floor. Even though the pigs are certainly dead, Scott doesn't stop slicing until he gets the word to stop.

The experts all gather around with the show's hosts. Max is utterly stoked by the carnage wrought. "Oh man, it's like you played "connect four" with a dagger."

"Thanks," says Cyclops

Yumie merely scoffs. "You call that carnage? I could do this in my sleep!" the nun boasts.

Maxwell is equally disdainful but he is more subtle about it. "These claws of yours are rather ineffectual. Certainly they cannot compare to the weapon that we bring with us.

Cut to a scene with Yumie standing in front of a cow carcass hanging from the ceiling. In either of her hands are two of Alexander Anderson's trademark bayonets; silver coated pieces of blessed death.

The order is given to strike and Yumie goes at it like a starving dog to a sausage. Her razor sharp blades are a blur and the cow femur is sliced in half like butter. The cow's skull is also split in half; twice as thick as the bone of a human skull.

After that wonderful display of cattle and pig butchering, our experts deliberate.

Geoff talks with his computer expert. "So Max, what's the program say?"

"Well, on the one hand, the bayonets were faster than the claws but Scott was really fast still," Max inputs. "Also, the claws are indestructible."

Armand also adds his professional opinion. "Plus, the claws did more damage per strike. They're three blades in one so there's more damage per strike. It's exactly like the trident; if one point misses the other two won't."

Geoff then speaks. "Neither of these weapons really had any sort of hilt to them but Wolverine has adamantium coated knuckles. Are we going with the claws then?"

All three men nod.

Edge: Claws

Announcer: _As our hosts prepare the testing of long range weapons, our teams of experts clash over as to who's fighter is the deadliest. _

Beast is ever the polite one. "I believe our dear teammate shall prevail as he has the greater combat experience. Even though the adamantium bone lacing process gave him retrograde amnesia, his implicit memory of combat remained intact."

Maxwell is far less technical and more religious. "Your so called champion has turned away from God, ours has not." The man gives a nasty smirk, "and God is the sole deciding factor of battle."

Scott crosses his arms and scowls behind his ruby sunglasses while Yumie has a look on her face that seems to welcome trouble.

Finally, the long range testing course is ready for a go. In order to make things easier, both long range weapons will be tested outdoors

It will be Beast's job to take the Bren Light Machinegun and prove that it will give Wolverine an edge in this battle.

Max explains the whole setup to Beast. "Okay, we've set up an area which replicates the inside of an Iscariot Church.

This causes concern for Beast. "Shooting the inside of a church? That would seem to be extreme even for Spike TV's rather lax standards."

However it seems to sit okay with Maxwell. "It is alright. The church has decided not to sue Spike TV. We merely threatened the network owners to make us win this match." He positively reeks of gloating.

The news doesn't sit well with Geoff. "What did you say?" but Maxwell ignores him and the test commences.

An area has been set up to look like an Iscariot base set up in a church. There is an Iscariot tapestry on the wall and the walls are made of bulletproof materials. Four dummies are dressed up in everyday clothing (the show does have some standards) and sitting around a table full of weapons and mock documents.

Two dummies are hidden behind faux windows and are programmed to peek in and out of sight from a robotic stand.

In order to avoid an anti-Christian message, no crosses are present in the mock-up "church."

Beast gives his weapon ready, but before he fires his gun he tells a little story; his safety goggles flash in the sun. "I have always enjoyed shooting, but I bet you were not aware that I became a vegan before I grew fur." Then the mutant doctor opens fire with the light machine gun without bothering to use the tripod.

RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Bullets rip through the silence and punch right through the dummies Papers fly off the table and are splattered with fake blood as the carnage ensues.

One dummy spins in its swivel chair as Beast lets out his frustrations, propelled by the flying of lead and the laws of ballistics. Bullets ricochet off the bulletproof walls with sparks as Beast occasionally misses.

One of the dummies peeks through a small window only to have its pale, featureless head blown off. The second peeking dummy glances out from behind its window and takes a bullet to the throat just as Dr. McCoy runs out of ammo.

Beast takes off his eye and ear protection and shows a satisfied smile. "That was most invigorating."

Announcer: _The damage is devastating but the Iscariots believe that theirs is the superior long range weapon. _

In the meanwhile, Armand examines the damage on the dummies. He points to the dummy closest to Beast and the first one to get hit. "This guy took at least seven bullets to the liver; he's instantly dead."

Moving over, Armand then points to the other three dummies around the table. "The guy in the spinney chair took three hits just above the liver, narrowly missing a major artery. He's got a few more bullets in him but they're not immediately fatal. It looks like the chair saved his life." The doctor then knocks on the metal swivel chair.

Yumie grins triumphantly. "That is why the Iscariots don't skimp out when we buy furniture."

"The other two guys are dead," Armand comments. "Both of them have taken a bullet to the heart; all other wounds they've taken don't matter."

Everyone cranes their necks to see the damage done to the peeping toms. "That guy's head is missing, even Deadpool couldn't take that kind of damage." He points a gloved hand at the other guy. "This bullet hit the man's windpipe but it was only a glancing blow. It's going to make it extremely hard for him to breath but he's not in any danger of dying."

Maxwell chuckles. "Four of six, hardly stellar shooting, eh freaks?"

Cyclops glares at Maxwell and contemplates pulling off his glasses and frying the insolent worm. "Why don't you just shut up before I do something I really enjoy?"

Yumie picks up Scott's threat and her hands go to her trademark sword but Maxwell stops her.

Announcer: _With the data gathered, it's time for the Iscariots to show their stuff. _

A similar situation has been set up for the testing of the throwing bayonets. Four figures sit at a table dressed in generic X-men uniforms while two more are rigged to peek in and out of two small "windows."

Maxwell stands at ready with six bayonets tucked into a leather bandolier across his shoulder. He stands roughly the same distance that Beast did from the targets.

Both Beast and Cyclops are sceptical of the bayonets. "I believe that Sean Connery had something to say about bringing guns to knife fights," Beast politely comments.

"It's that the person with the knife winds up dead," Scott blurts.

Maxwell laughs and grabs the first bayonet, feeling the weight of the blade in his hand. "Ye of little faith," he admonishes. He then turns to Geoff and the guys. "You will start this test when I'm done my prayer, is that understood?"

The guys all glance at each other and then glance at Yumie who looks like she's itching for an excuse to put foot to ass.

"Yeah, sure," says Geoff.

Maxwell kneels and says a prayer.

"_Most glorious Prince of the Heavenly Armies, _

_Saint Michael the Archangel, _

_defend us in our battle against principalities and _

_powers, _

_against the rulers of this world of darkness, _

_against the spirits of wickedness in the high places, amen"_

"FIRE!" Geoff screams as he fires up his stop watch.

Maxwell springs up and throws his first bayonet. The long blade flies straight and true and hits the nearest dummy right through the heart.

Without waiting to admire his target, Maxwell grabs the second blade and third blades and throws them in succession. One blade gets a dummy in the eye while another gets a throat shot, exiting through the back of the neck.

Maxwell has to hurry as his blades are much slower than Beast's machine gun. Throwing two more blades at the same time, each bayonet gets either a heart or head shot.

Hair flying and mouth foaming, Maxwell looks like a rabid fanatic as he hurls his last two blades.

The clock stops and Maxwell breaths deeply after the exertion. He may not be as tough as the other Iscariot members but he compensates with skill and accuracy.

Once more, the boys are on the scene assessing the damage. Dorian points to the dummies at the table. "They're all dead."

Max then notices the two peeking dummies. One of them took a bayonet to the temple but the other one took the blade at a funny angle. "What the hell?"

Announcer: _According to the high speed camera footage, that particular projectile followed its target._

A bayonet goes flying and follows a dummy as it ducks behind cover.

Max is flabbergasted. "Do you guys have heat seeking bayonets or something?"

Maxwell smiles. "Trade secret; I cannot reveal it."

As the hosts discuss among themselves what weapon is deadlier, the experts take the time to plead their case to the audience as to why their champion will come out on top.

Scott Summers goes first. "If you look at the history of this show, IRA vs. Taliban, Pirate vs. Knight and CIA vs. KGB; the fanatics never win," claims the laser eyes mutant. "The battles most often go to the fighter with the better strategy and the better sets of smarts; Wolverine is the guy who fits the bill."

Yumie Tagaki tells a different story. "It's the fanatics who win on this show!" she shrieks. "Look at the Spartan vs. Ninja or William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu; those fighters won because they desired victory more. Anderson will crush wolverine like the hulk should have."

The show's hosts then appear before all the assembled experts to explain which weapon is better. Max holds up his arms high like an ancient pagan priest interpreting the will of the gods. "Okay guys, after much deliberation—

The statement hangs in the air and everybody waits with anticipation.

"The bayonets get the edge."

The Iscariots are overjoyed while the X-Men are outraged—actually it's mostly Cyclops who's outraged.

"This is bullshit!" he shouts. "How did a knife beat a gun?"

Geoff explains for the beleaguered X-Man. "While the bayonets did take longer to kill the targets they killed them all. In a fight, a single enemy combatant left alive means that it's not over yet."

Max finishes explaining. "And not to mention that the bayonets go around corners; something that we've never seen in any of the weapons tested before."

Maxwell chooses to taunt Cyclops. "I would advise you to say your prayers, mutie." He chooses to use the derogatory term for a mutant.

Professor Xavier taught Cyclops well; instead of taking off his sunglasses and blasting Maxwell into a sooty stain with his eye beams, Scott goes up to a gel torso dummy and breaks its neck with a well-placed martial arts kick.

Beast goes to comfort his companion. "Cheer up, old friend; we can still take the advantage in the next round and show these pious fools which warrior is the deadliest."

Announcer: _Next up the experts will get to test the utility tools_

Yumie stands before the camera with a bible in her hand. "Do not let the appearance of an ordinary bible fool you; this is far from it."

"This is a magic, enchanted bible which is one of Paladin Anderson's most important vampire hunting tools."

Beast eyes the seemingly everyday holy book with curiosity. "Fascinating."

"I thought you guys were against witchcraft?" Cyclops demands.

Maxwell answers as he is the slimier of the duo. "Desperate times call for desperate measures in the fight against evil. We adapted sorcery to our arsenal of weapons when we found the witches were teaching women how to read." At this, both Maxwell and Yumie cross themselves as the idea of the man as the head of the household is very important to them and educated feminist women would threaten that ideal.

A foam dummy has been set up for the use of the bible. Yumie elaborates on its various uses. "This special bible can be used to teleport and create spiritual barriers to seal in demons and unholy creatures. It is also a powerful incapacitating tool to hold targets in place for an easy kill."

Geoff nods at this new information. "That's very good, Yumie; because at Max's behest we've cooked up a special test for the trapping bible."

He walks up to the dummy and points out that it seems to be protruding from an underground pit. Everyone moves in to see it.

"This dummy is attacked to a pole attacked to a five hundred pound weight. When the bible is activated the weight will be dropped and we'll see how much weight the bible leaves can hold."

The test is ready to go and everybody is in their assigned places. Yumie stands ready with the bible, demonstrating that not is she only good with a sword but she obviously knows how to throw a baseball style pitch; just not with a baseball this time.

Max gives the countdown. "Get read in 3… 2… 1… FIRE!"

With perfect technique, Yumie tosses the bible forward with astounding speed. In midair, the bible starts to fly apart and the glowing pages scatter.

Then, the pages start to stick together and form long tentacles of holy writ. These bible tentacles grab the arms of the dummy and the head and the latch is released.

The dummy is pulled down but the bible tentacles hold fast. The metal skeleton that the experts have given the dummy keep the arms from being torn off by the great weight.

Announcer: _Next, Team Wolverine brings the eardrum bursting power of the flash bang grenade; designed to disorient and confuse foes. _

Beast stands in front of a table bull of flash bang grenades. The blue hairy mutant cheerfully passes the explosive device from hand to hand. "This is the flash bang grenade. Among other things, the X-Men have taught Wolverine a greater appreciation for necessary force as opposed to overkill."

"Cowards," Yumie sneers but Beast doesn't even seem to hear her.

The good Doctor goes on. "These are designed to create a bright light and a large noise. These models are designed to incapacitate targets for up to thirty seconds. They have proven highly useful against Wolverine's arch nemesis Sabretooth due to his enhanced hearing and sensitive eyesight."

Maxwell scoffs at this so called weapon. "Fool, you've brought a mere toy to a battle to the death."

Beast clicks his tongue and wags a finger at Maxwell. "Now Archbishop, I would advise you not to disregard this weapon until you've personally experienced one going off in your vicinity."

Yumie shouts at Beast. "This is proof of your weakness, _X-Man_!"

Scott however isn't about to take any bullshit from the warrior nun. "Look lady, we can hear you just fine; there's no need to shout." This enraged Yumie but once more Maxwell restrains her.

Not to be discouraged, Yumie reaches down and grabs a flash bang from the table and starts to angrily wave it down. "You might as well stop the tests now!" she shouts. "Because we have God on our side and we will never lose!"

Max then hesitantly backs up the X-Men. "Yeah, um, besides; my instruments aren't designed to measure God."

This incenses Yumie further and causes her to wave the grenade about wildly. "How dare you take the lord's name in vain!" The nun begins to curse in Japanese when suddenly the firing pin falls right out of the grenade that she's holding. This shouldn't be possible but maybe it's a faulty grenade.

Either way, Yumie stares in horror at the now live grenade. "Oh crap," she says.

Scott begins to scream for everyone to move. "GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" Nobody needs to be told twice. Everyone begins sprinting like a gazelle to get away from the grenade that's going to blow up not two feet away from a dozen other flash bang grenades.

As Yumie drops the first flash bang, the others detonate like a string of firecrackers with balls. The concussive force totally blows out the microphones and shatters the lenses of all the cameras.

_Technical difficulties: please stand by_

Announcer: _Despite the problem with the testing of the flash bang grenade, a proper test will commence. _

Beast stands before a gel torso dummy with roughly the same proportions as Alexander Anderson. The benevolent mutant smiled and readies his weapon. "In the most accurate sense, this is a less than lethal weapon as no weapon can ever truly be non-lethal. With a bit of finesse, I believe that this weapon may be most potent against the good paladin."

McCoy gets into position with a non-faulty grenade in his hand. Armand has the pleasure of sounding the countdown. "Hank, do you remember when we pranked the girls dorm in med school?"

Beast nods and smiles at his university experience with Armand. "Definitely, brother."

Armand yells at Beast. "It's the same thing; steal the panties off those Iscariots in 3... 2… 1… GO GET 'EM!"

At the word from his old college buddy, Beast leaps forward with superhuman ability. Throwing a powerful punch at the dummy, Beast makes sure to stun his hypothetical target.

The blue mutant then slams down the can shaped grenade on top of the skull, causing a crunch to be heard by all.

Yanking the pin from the less than lethal bomb, Beast takes the grenade and thrusts the device into the mouth of the dummy; knocking out teeth and breaking the jaw as he does.

Beast jumps backwards as the bomb explodes. Normally designed to only stun and disorient, the flash bang causes the dummy's head to explode into bloody fragments.

As Cyclops gives Beast a high five, Armand goes over to congratulate his buddy. Meanwhile, Max and Geoff talk amongst themselves.

"I gotta say man, at first I thought the bible was going to win but now I'm having second thoughts."

Geoff agrees with his man. "Yeah, Beast turned a non-lethal weapon into a lethal one. And also the Bible paper may be strong but can it stand against adamantium coated claws?

Max shakes his head. "I don't think so."

"So grenade then?" Geoff asks.

"Grenade it is."

Edge: Wolverine

Announcer: _Special weapons are next. Captain America's shield will be pitted against the legendary Helena's nail. _

Geoff and his two partners in crime stand around a table full of equipment, talking amongst themselves. "Okay guys, for our special weapons we have an indestructible shield and a big old nail that turns Alexander Anderson into a giant thorn bush monster. I can guess how we're going to test the first but how the hell are we going to test the latter."

Max deliberates before coming up with a suggestion. "We could stick the nail into a pig carcass or something."

It's a great idea but Armand sees a flaw in it. "That might work but we should try it on a dummy first; we don't want some kind of half pig half thorn monster coming after us. A dummy might have slower thorn growth due to fewer nutrients in the indigenous foam and plastic."

"Either way, we should ask Maxwell; he's the expert," Max advises.

Geoff nods at his two compadres. "Alright, let's get going then."

Soon afterwards, Geoff, Armand and Max approach the guest experts ready for a new round of testing.

The scene cuts to a large RV sitting in one of LA's worst neighbourhoods. The crack of a rifle causes a potential vandal to go for easier prey.

Inside the recreational vehicle, Geoff reloads his rifle and chambers a fresh round. Max is sitting in the driver's seat, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel. Meanwhile, Beast and Armand are sitting at one of the small tables, enjoying a beer together. Maxwell and Yumie are keeping to themselves as the camera watches Scott polish Captain America's shield.

The Camera zooms in on Cyclops polishing the shield and he gives a little history about this particular weapon. "This is Captain America's shield; it's probably the only non-magical weapon in existence that can withstand wolverine's claws. Like a Spartan's shield, it's built in layers so that blows on the shield will be absorbed without damaging the user's arm and it makes a vicious melee weapon."

Cyclops then points to the edges of the shield. "The shield is ergonomically designed to be thrown and caught easily by the user. That's why you always see Captain America tossing it like a Frisbee."

Scott puts down the rag he's been using to clean the shield. "Back in the Second World War, Wolverine and the Captain fought as allies. So we're working under the impression that Wolverine "borrowed" Steve Roger's shield at one time or another. I know for sure that Wolverine once used the Captain's shield to serve h'ordeurves at a cocktail party in Paris; that pissed off Steve a lot."

The camera now shifts back to Max. "What we're going to do here is have Scott go out there and beat up a gang with that shield." He's startled as Geoff fires his rifle at another would be vandal/carjacker.

Max continues to explain what is going to happen. "Anyway, since Scott is a white guy in a nice jacket we figure that he'll have about thirty seconds before the kids in the baggy pants show up to rob and kill him. If things go south, Geoff is standing by with a gun."

At that, the gangs of LA fire several bullets back at Geoff and he ducks as the slugs slam into the metal side of the RV. Geoff starts to rummage around for a better weapon before they're completely surrounded.

As he grabs an Ak-47, Beast approaches Geoff carrying a rocket propelled grenade. "Never fear my friend; when adversity looms on the horizon you must never be afraid to dream big."

Then Beast fires the rocket propelled grenade at the unseen gangs who probably now will think twice about attacking this motor vehicle.

Geoff finishes strapping motion sensors onto Scott's Shield and arm before sending him out. The red sunglasses wearing mutant exits the buss and has about thirty seconds before the "kids with baggy pants" show up to kick his ass.

On the bus, Maxwell and Yumie are praying that Scott gets killed.

Everyone watches in anticipation as the gang members pull out guns and other assorted weapons. One young man points a gun right between Scott's eyes and starts to make threats

For Cyclops, one youth with a gun isn't anywhere near as scary as a score of sentinels bearing down on him so he does the rational thing and clobbers the kid right between his eyes with the shield.

Using his missed Martial arts skills, Scott skilfully deflects the gunfire using the shield while using his legs to lash out at those nearest to him.

Hurling the shield like a discus, Cyclops takes out two gang members with guns while grappling with another three using only his bare hands.

Lunging to grab back the shield, Scott uses the edge of the brightly coloured shield to stop a baseball bat before landing a pelvis shattering blow to his opponent.

Inside the bus, Geoff is busy watching his stopwatch. When thirty seconds are up, Geoff picks up a microphone which is hooked up to a transmitter that communicates with an ear bud that Max gave to Cyclops before he left the bus.

"Scott, we've got enough combat data; end it now."

Pressing a button on his ruby crystal sunglasses, Scott unleashes a powerful eye beam that knocks all the gang members on their asses. The beam was only powerful enough to make these kids consider applying to college—or at least finish high school; a full powered beam from Cyclops is enough to punch a hole through a mountain.

Announcer: _Despite a few bullet holes, a flat tire and a missing side mirror, the Deadliest Warrior RV arrives back at the fight club safely and with all the passengers accounted for. _

Max, Armand and Geoff come off the bus happily eating burgers despite their harrowing experience in the roughest neighbourhood in town. The Iscariots are in a bad mood, they were hoping that one of the gang members might get in a lethal hit. Better luck next time.

Soon it is time to test out the Iscariots special weapon.

Geoff and his two buddies approach Maxwell and Yumie. "Okay Maxwell," says Geoff. "Can you tell us a bit about the Nail of Helena?"

Maxwell nods. "Of course, my son. The Nail of Helena is one of the original nails from the true cross. It has actually gone through the unspoiled flesh of Jesus Christ."

Max chooses that moment to add in his opinion. "Doesn't it seem sacrilegious to use a holy artefact like that as a weapon?"

"Of course not," Yumie huffs. "If it can kill the enemies of the true and universal church then it can only be a good thing."

Geoff nods. He doesn't like working with fanatics like these but he doesn't get to pick the experts who appear on the show. "Alright then; do you want to pull out the nail so that we can get started on the testing?"

Maxwell suddenly seems hesitant. "Well, I can't actually do that."

This shocks the three men. Armand speaks up. "What do you mean? Don't you have the nail?"

Maxwell rubs the back of his head and hesitates. "Um . . . the truth is that I don't have it."

Geoff's eyes widen. This could ruin the show and put them behind schedule. "Did someone steal Helena's nail?"

Maxwell sighs, "Not exactly; the last pedophilia lawsuit against me left me in very bad financial shape. You understand that I absolutely had to loan the nail to the Myth busters for a few thousand dollars; just to be able to pay for my and Yumie's plane tickets."

Geoff is totally pissed off by this revelation. "Maxwell, you cocksucker, you've completely screwed up our show. It's not like I've got a whole box of Helena's nails just lying around."

"I know, I know." Protests an atypically disheartened and defensive Maxwell. Even the berserker Yumie has little to add over Maxwell's screw up.

"I'm going to have to tell Max to totally rework the tests and never mind what I'm going to have to tell to the marketing guys who put Helena's nail in the promos for this episode!"

Luckily Max appears and he has a solution to the problem. "Guys, I have a friend who knows the Mythbusters and I'm pretty sure if I get on the phone with him right now we can probably still release this episode on schedule."

Geoff immediately stops being angry. "Max, you're a lifesaver; I'm going to buy you a beer after this."

Max and Geoff walk away to get Armand, leaving Yumie and Maxwell alone. When the two hosts are gone, Yumie puts a hand around Maxwell and comforts him. "Don't worry, Archbishop; I'm sure that stupid little boy was just trying to get attention when he accused you of touching him."

Announcer: _And so it's off to Mythbusters territory. Where the team will—_

Mythbusters Announcer: _Take a step back fellah; I'm taking over for the time being._

Deadliest Warrior Announcer: _Oh fiddlesticks_

Mythbusters Announcer: _So with the boys in trouble, it's off to Adam and Jamie_

**Mythbusters**

The scene changes. Armand, Geoff and Max are all standing with Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman; two men with more than thirty years of special effects experience between them.

"Just let me start by saying that I'm a huge fan of you guys," says the bespectacled Adam.

"Yeah," adds Jamie from behind his big walrus moustache. "You guys are an inspiration to anyone who blends science with entertainment. So what can we do for you today?"

Geoff levels with the Mythbuster in chief. "Well Jamie, Enrico Maxwell promises us Helena's nail and then we found out that he gave it to you guys. We were wondering if we could put up our own sensors and software when you guys test the nail. We really need that data."

Adam runs a hand through his thinning red hair. "I got no problem with that. What do you think, Jamie?"

Jamie has no issue either. "As long as you guys agree to share the data you gather then we've really got no issue. Consider yourselves part of our crew."

Max pumps a fist in the air and whispers, "YES!" it's a dream come true for him.

MB Announcer: _So with the Deadliest Warrior boys ready to rock, it's time to prune some thorns._

Jamie and Adam are sitting in their cluttered workshop full of miscellaneous junk. There's a Discovery channel logo at the bottom of the screen as well as a caption that reads "_Vampire Special_."

"So we've come to the big finale," says Adam. "Helena's nail; the magic nail which will allow its user to become a vampire killing thorn bush monster of god."

Jamie blinks his watery eyes. "That is easily the most random vampire hunting weapon I've ever heard of."

He then picks up a big wooden stake while Adam fiddles with a string of garlic. "So how do you want to do this?"

Adam picks up a magnifying glass and looks through it at the camera. "Well, Archbishop Maxwell said that it had to be driven through the heart of the faithful. So I say that we use a surrogate instead of driving it through our own hearts."

"Buster," says Jamie; referring to their faithful testing dummy

"Buster," Adam agrees

The testing for Helena's nail is done outside in a rocky area where the Mythbusters tested their "fish in a barrel episode."

Buster, a sad looking and beat up crash test dummy hangs from a stand like a classroom anatomy skeleton. Silently, Buster watches with dignified resignation as everyone gets their guns ready.

Max is working with Adam to set up the sensors.

Geoff appears on camera to explain what's going on. "Well, Max and Adam are setting up the pig carcasses."

Max and Adam are playing around with a pig carcass and generally geeking out together.

"They're covering the pigs with pressure sensors to test the crushing power of the vines. Also, half of the pig carcasses are being injected with vampire blood while the other half will be left as is."

The camera switches over to Jamie, eyes peeking from under his beret. "It's lucky we had the Deadliest Warrior guys here. They've got a seemingly unlimited supply of pig carcasses."

Armand is helping set up Buster and put sensors all over him. "We get the pig carcasses from a local slaughterhouse owned by D.R. Moreau Meats. Geoff is friends with the owner so we get volume discounts."

MB Announcer: _As the sensors are set up, our experts turn to safety concerns. _

Cue a big black SUV rolling onto the testing area.

Adam then appears once more with his easily recognizable hat. "According to the information the Vatican sent us, the nail of Helena will turn Buster into a killing machine so we've come prepared."

MB Announcer: _Enter the auxiliary Mythbusters: Kari Byron, Tory Belleci and Grant Imahara. _

The three auxiliaries are standing around a dangerous looking contraption while holding dangerous looking guns. Kari speaks for the trio. "Adam and Jamie are going to use some funky voodoo to bring Buster to life."

Tory speaks next. "And if that happens; we think that Buster is going to be pretty pissed off at Adam and Jamie."

Grant brandishes his automatic shotgun dramatically. "Then we'll be ready to take Buster down."

Tory then gestures to the big machine behind him. "This here is a homemade flamethrower; fuelled with homemade napalm. I've got a dozen barrels of the stuff at home."

MB Announcer: _With the guns ready to go, all that's left is to give the go ahead. _

Buster hangs with dignity from a metal frame but now he's got a jury rigged device which is set to plunge Helena's nail into where Buster's heart would be if he were human.

The Deadliest Warrior boys and the auxiliary Mythbusters are ready with assorted automatic weapons. Adam is manning Tory's homemade flamethrower; he's even got the pilot light fired up.

Meanwhile, Jamie now has a massive Gatling gun protruding from atop the black SUV and he's got six thousand rounds of ammunition ready to burn.

Deadliest Warrior Announcer: _And since I've got nothing to do I'd just like to say that Max, Geoff and Armand left the experts back at the gas station on the way over._

Maxwell and his nun are sitting side by side with the two X-Men. They've been sitting in front of the Shell Station for a few hours now and it's getting pretty hot.

"Fuck it," says Scott. "I'm calling a taxi."

MB Announcer: _The moment of truth has arrived._

As Jamie signals the countdown, Armand realizes something. "Oh shit; we left the others back at the gas station!"

Jamie and Adam look at the camera before the go ahead. "Don't try this at home," says Jamie.

"We're what you call experts," says Adam."

And with a metallic snap, the homemade rig drives the nail into Buster's heart and all hell breaks loose. First, thick, dangerous looking thorns start to sprout all over buster's body.

Even more disturbing though is when Buster's eyes open up and he actually talks to Jamie and Adam.

"I'll swallow your souls," hisses a now animate and highly vengeful Buster.

Adam merely narrows his eyes at Buster and says. "Burn in hell." The Mythbuster in chief then shouts to everybody else. "Okay, drop him!"

Shotgun and machinegun fire rips through the silence as tentacles of razor sharp vines start to shoot out in all directions. One rope of vine hits a pig carcass and the dead swine instantly bursts into flames like so much tenderloin.

Another pig gets totally engulfed in vines but fails to burst into flames. Instead, the vines just grow around the pig and completely cocoon it.

Vines fly at the living human beings but are quickly shot down by Tory, Grant and Kari. The three helpers of Adam and Jamie set theirs jaws firm and try not to piss their pants as they unleash hot lead against the normally docile dummy, Buster.

Meanwhile, Geoff, Max and Armand are fighting for their lives as killer thorns fly at them like angry ex-wives looking for a killer divorce settlement. Max screams as a thorn tentacle grabs him around the ankle but a well-placed bullet form Geoff saves the computer geek. "I didn't sign up for this shit!" Max protests!

While that happens, the Gatling gun and the flamethrower have been tossed into the match. Adam holds back the thorns with a wall of flames; he and Buster glare at each other like hated enemies.

Jamie is totally dispassionate as he fires an ungodly steam of bullets both at the thorns and at Buster. The thorns crumble before the bullets like cotton candy in rain but every bullet that hits buster instantly regenerates with more thorns to replace his rapidly dwindling supply of fire resistant synthetic flesh. Without Helena's Nail, Buster would be blown away in seconds.

Suddenly, Jamie hits a hidden button inside the SUV. Cleverly designed by Adam, a huge electromagnet activates and it grabs onto the nearest metal object: Helena's nail.

Buster's warped features full of hatred are stamped with shock as the nail is yanked out of his heart. Instantly, the vines go limp and start turning brown and brittle. Buster also loses the spark of life and collapses on the floor like Pinocchio's fucked up cousin.

Within minutes, everything is quiet and everyone standing around buster. The thorns are largely disintegrated; there isn't much left of buster except a hand, a leg and his face, which has now become once more an expression of resigned dignity; as if he's sorry that he tried to kill Jamie and Adam.

**Mythbusters**

Jamie and Adam are back in their workshop, all rested and relaxed after the day's chaos. Adam says to his good buddy, "So is this myth confirmed?"

The laconic Jamie speaks. "I'd say it's plausible. Sure the Helena's Nail is one hell of way to kill vampires; those vampire infected pigs were burned up in exactly two point five seconds."

"Yeah," Adam concedes. "But the non-vampire piggies were only severely injured; not killed by the vines."

"Yes," Jamie states. "And the thing is that this nail is a weapon of last resort."

Adam sees his companion's wisdom and promptly brings out a case of beer. Taking one for himself and one for his pal, he proposes a toast. "To Buster; I can't stay made at him for long. And I hope the Deadliest Warrior guys got the data they wanted."

Jamie cracks open his beer but doesn't drink. "I'll drink to that."

Before he can do that though; Scott, Beast, Yumie and Maxwell all barge into the workshop looking for Geoff and company. Everyone is mighty pissed off when they get told that they've already left the building and gone back to the fight club.

The screen shows a goofy animation of Max, Armand and Geoff hopping into a red hot-rod car and peeling off into the sunset.

Announcer: _At last; this show has a __**real**__ announcer again. With the proper data gathered; it's time for Max to upload everything and let the simulation begin. _

The screen shows Max typing away while his two buddies look on expectantly.

Announcer: _It will be a fight between bestial fury_

Wolverine charges through the arctic night and unsheathes his claws and roars before attacking a full grown grizzly bear.

_Vs. pious murder_

Anderson uses his bayonets not just to kill a group of enemy soldiers, but to dismember and disembowel them. While he does this, he laughs and quotes the bible

_Government weapon_

Wolverine howls with agony and fury as he is strapped down and experimented on by the scientists at the Weapon X project.

_Vs. God's monster_

Anderson drives Helena's nail through is heart and becomes a thorn ridden abomination who starts to kill everything around him.

_Let the battle begin_

Max hits the enter key and the simulation starts.

* * *

Simulation:

Run for your lives! London is burning! The bad old days of the London Blitz have come back!

The Nazi organization Millennium unleashes their terrible vampire army upon the capital of Britain.

The streets are in ruins; littered with dead bodies and pools of blood deep enough to swim in. Nazi Vampires prowl the streets; immune to conventional ammo they kill nearly without fear of reprisal.

Alucard is trapped at sea and Hellsing is overwhelmed but there are those who still resist.

The superhero group known as the X-Men take the fight back to Millennium. Colossus charges into the Nazi hordes with the same power with which his ancestors once crushed the Fuhror's finest soldiers at Kursk.

Cyclops uses his optic beam to shoot down a zeppelin like a clay pigeon before shooting down the missiles in the air.

Psychic Jean Grey corrals the ghouls created by vampire bites and stopping the spread of this unholy infection.

Meanwhile, the yellow clad hero Wolverine is showing these bozos why he's known as the best at what he does. With slice and dice; he gets revenge on these villainous scum for all the pain they've caused.

A Nazi vampire goes down from a massive blade wound to the heart—but it wasn't wolverine's doing that this freak of nature is dead.

From the shadows, scores of bayonets fly and lodge in undead Nazi flesh. The blades don't strike the heart but the blessings are so powerful the vampires melt into piles of fat, blood and guts.

Wolverine knows not who this new player is but if he's killing Nazis then he may as well be doing Logan a favour.

The last Nazi vampire panics and fires his weapon into the shadows. A shape appears; nothing is visible of him except his great size and the twisted grin he wears on his face.

The shadowy figure slashes at the Nazi but doesn't quite behead him; he turns the undead creature into a pez dispenser.

The eyes of the undead Nazi are full of fear as none other than Alexander Anderson steps out of the shadows. Foregoing his trademark bayonets; Anderson grabs the Nazi and throws a punch right in his midriff. The mighty fist of the Paladin punches a bowling ball sized whole in the vampire.

Grinning and smiling, Anderson throws his woefully underpowered opponent to the ground and starts to pound him with his bare fists.

Logan watches dispassionately. It's like watching the Hulk beat on an ant; but the Hulk never had such a look of sadistic glee in his eyes nor the foam at his mouth.

With his white gloves stained blood red, Anderson grabs two bayonets of his. His body language indicates that he's not interested in cooperation with Wolverine.

The Big Scotsman recites a gruesome bible passage.

"_I have wiped out many nations, devastating their fortress walls and towers. Their cities are now deserted; their streets are in silent ruin. There are no survivors to even tell what happened_.

_Be patient; the time is coming soon when I will stand up and accuse these evil nations_

_For it is my decision to gather together the kingdoms of the earth and pour out my fiercest anger and fury on them_

_AMEN!"_

Well, that shit may work on neophyte vampires, rookies and possibly Deadpool but it doesn't cut any ice with Wolverine.

Logan taps his claws together as if inviting Anderson to fight. "Bub," he says. "Fuck you."

Temporarily stunned at such disrespect given to him by the Canadian mutant, Anderson decides that he doesn't care and presses his attack.

Anderson charges at Wolverine like a bullet train. With fluidity that bespeaks of hours of daily practice, Anderson thrusts his bayonets forward to drive the points into Wolverine's eyes.

Wolverine however utilizes his animal like reflexes and jumps out of the way just in time. Ducking under the deadly blades, Logan swipes out and slices off Anderson's cross.

This action enrages the priest and Anderson spins around and jams his bayonets into Wolverine's chest.

Logan cannot scream as his lungs are shredded. Anderson doesn't just stab, he saws back and forth with his blades like he's trying to cut a cake.

Out of reflex, Wolverine thrusts his claws back and forth into Anderson's heart but the berserk giant doesn't even seem to feel it.

Luckily, Wolverine has more tools than just his claws. Anderson is thrown backwards by a hail of machinegun fire. Logan has drawn the Bren light machinegun from his back and unloaded it fully right into Anderson's neck.

Wolverine gurgles blood as his healing factor desperately works to repair his damaged and shredded organs. As Wolverine painfully reloads his gun, he sees Anderson prone on the ground.

And just as quickly as he fell, Anderson is back up again with that same damn grin on his face. Logan hates people who won't stop grinning. It puts him in the mood to spoil their day.

Anderson charges forward crying the word of god but this time Logan has a plan. In the light of burning building, he flings an object at Anderson. Not thinking straight, Anderson slices the object in half, only to cause the flash bang grenade to explode.

Anderson cried out in shock as he tripped and slammed his head into the concrete façade of a building.

Hurting both from the impact and from embarrassment, Anderson growled to himself and held his ears. His vision and eyesight returned preternaturally fast; especially for one with senses as sensitive as his own.

Wolverine charged Anderson with his machinegun, trying to aim for the knees of the big man so he could get him down long enough to slice his head off.

Unexpectedly, Anderson threw his bible at Wolverine. Not thinking about it, Wolverine shot at the book and continued shooting at the priest.

Suddenly, the bible exploded and the pages began to glow. The leaves formed long tentacles which wrapped around Logan's arms and legs. The enchanted bible held him fast; he could not even get enough leverage to slice the pages with his adamantium coated claws.

To Wolverine's great displeasure, he sees Anderson pick up a one ton pickup truck and hold it over his head like it was made of air.

Anderson has heard of Wolverine's reputation; so he figured that smashing Wolverine into a pulp with one ton of steel should put him down a bit.

The giant Vatican assassin chuckled as he slammed the truck down on Wolverine with the full extent of his strength. Lifting up for another swing, he could see that Wolverine was now a total mess. Not letting up, Anderson hit Wolverine again, again, and again until he lost count of how many times he'd swatted the heathen mutant.

Looking down, Anderson's eyes widened with shock. Wolverine was gone; nothing left, not even adamantium bones.

Scanning around, Anderson frantically looked for his opponent. He knows where to look when someone taps on his shoulder.

Wolverine is stuck to the underside of the truck Anderson has been hitting him on the head with. Logan is an unrecognizable mess of mutilated flesh and adamantium bones but it's all skin deep.

Lashing out with a nearly skeletal arm, Wolverine slices Anderson's right arm off. Anderson stumbles and falls as he loses control of the vehicle he's holding and it lands right on him. This however causes Wolverine to become unstuck from the bottom of the truck.

Anderson shakes off the vehicle that landed on his head but he doesn't have much time before his head is totally clipped of by Wolverine.

Logan's muscles and other body parts are healing, but not at an equal rate. At least he got the bastards head, but he really oughtn't to get too comfortable.

In that instant, Anderson's arm shoots out and grabs his severed head in mid-air. Then, still smiling, Anderson takes his head and puts it back on like a hat.

Logan would be worried about that, except right at this moment a giant flaming zeppelin shot down by Cyclops is about to crash land right into where he and Anderson are standing. As the nose of the zeppelin fills everything, Wolverine takes his time to curse that one eyed fuckwit, Scott Summers.

Wolverine comes too an unidentified amount of time later in the burning hanger of the zeppelin. He's got the worst headache in history but barring that, Logan is feeling alright. The feral mutant shakily gets to his feet. His uniform is torn and his gun is gone but at least he still has a few flash bangs.

Stumbling around the burning hanger, Wolverine spots loads of treasure; gold and artwork and such things. Why the Nazis would bother bringing all their treasure with them on this pointless suicide mission, Logan doesn't know. But a piece of red white and blue catches his eye.

There in the debris is the original shield of Captain America from before the Cap' froze in the ice. Not knowing if he might find real weapons, Wolverine hefts up the shield and straps it to his arm.

Pleased with the fit and heft of the weapon, Wolverine doesn't have long to admire it

The ceiling opens up like a can being torn open by a maniac hungry for soup with no can opener. Thorny plants start to crawl through the opening at unnatural speed and they soon wrap themselves around everything.

Frantically, Logan attacks the thorny vines with his claws and the shield of Captain America.

Worse comes as the thorns arrange themselves into a giant forty foot tall cross. From that giant cross a humanoid shape forms. That humanoid shape gains grey robes and a priests cross; it also gains that same damn smile.

Anderson is back!

Wolverine has no idea how Anderson turned into the catholic version of Poison Ivy but he doesn't like it.

Raising his arm like a black magician, Anderson raises one arm and clenches his fist. From that first, more thorns issue forth and weave themselves until they form a giant forty foot Jesus.

The thorn Jesus stares at Wolverine; a twisted blasphemy disguised as a blessing.

Anderson stands before wolverine; half of his face turned to a mass of twisting thorns; it looks very much like the snakes of Medusa. For Anderson has indeed become a monster.

"Alucard has fallen," Anderson crows. To prove his claim he tosses a large black gun to the floor; it's Alucard's gun the Jackal. The No-Life King has fallen and a new monster has taken the throne.

Anderson thrusts a finger at Wolverine. "Ye are fucked, Wolverine!" Logan stiffens at this. Evidently Anderson has graduated beyond quoting the bible. "And mah cock ye will suck!"

Like Hell Wolverine would let that happen.

"This world will belong ta God and ye an' the X-Men shall perish!" Power has gone to Anderson's head and he's now corrupt as Bishop Maxwell. Anderson raises a massive chain with bayonets clipped it at intervals. He swings around this gruesome weapon like the gardener's edition of Ghost Rider.

Not willing to give up, the short Canadian bats away the bayonet chain with the shield. Howling at the top of his lungs, wolverine takes a flying leap and lands right in front of Anderson. They are face to face like Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant.

Anderson is amused by Logan's boldness but he honestly rates the mutant just below an insect. Nothing can harm him. If Alucard and his thirty million captive souls couldn't take him down, if Charles Xavier's psychic attacks couldn't stop him then what hope did one hairy misfit have.

Anderson laughed and kept smiling. Oh, Logan _hated_ that smile. So he brought up the shield and busted Anderson in the pearly whites with the metal rim.

There was a comical metal "bonk" noise as Anderson's head snapped back. Looking only amused, Anderson spat out a tooth. The missing front tooth stood out on the man's large, white teeth. Anderson chuckled—and then stopped when he saw three grenade pins around Logan's finger.

Looking down, Anderson saw a gash in his stomach heal up, but not before he saw the three live flash bang grenades in his thorny innards.

He snapped his head up and looked at Logan with numb shock on his face. Now it was Logan's turn to grin.

Acting quickly, the feral mutant slammed Anderson in the head with the shield before jumping away.

The grenades inside him blew Anderson apart, sending a large fleshy lump flying through the air. It was Anderson's heart.

It was flying right at him. Anderson's heart was covered in little roots and had a big iron nail sticking through it but it was still recognizable for what it was.

The pieces of Anderson were rapidly reforming. A reformed arm stretched like an elastic band and Anderson's face twisted into a look of horror. The forty foot thorn Jesus sprang to life and lunged at Logan like some video game boss from _God of War 3_. It wasn't enough.

A flash in the darkness and the admantium claws sliced Helena's nail in half. A scream tore out of Anderson's half reformed body. The fight was done.

Anderson groaned and Wolverine sat still as a beast waiting to pounce.

Anderson spoke, totally abandoning his fake Scottish accent. "Sorry about the whole trying-to-kill-you thing." His voice was enriched by a barely detectable Boston accent. Blood poured from the spot where his heart would have been and the thorns were turning brown and brittle. Anderson was turning brown and brittle.

Wolverine did not speak, he only listened.

"Listen, maybe I went too far," Anderson joked weakly. He was smiling now, but it was a weak and apologetic smile.

As his body and all the thorns began to crumble, Anderson spoke. "Listen, just because I wanted to kill all you loved doesn't mean we can't be friends. No hard feelings . . . bub."

Wolverine said nothing as Anderson gurgled and crumbled into nothing. He took the appropriate course of action. He pulled a cigar out of his pocket and lit it using a burning Nazi flag.

**WOLVERINE WINS!**

Fight Statistics:

Wolverine:

Claws-170 kills

Bren Light Machine gun-270 kills

Flash Bang Grenade-30 kills

Captain America's Shield-70 kills

Alexander Anderson:

Bayonets-90 kills

Thrown Bayonets-350 kills

Bible-0 kills

Helena's Nail-20 kills

Max appears before the camera. "In our testing with the Mythbusters, we found the shield to be more effective than Helena's nail."

Cut to footage of Scott fighting against and Buster coming to life.

"Yes the nail grants its users superpowers and thorns but against the non-vampire pigs those thorns were merely cripplingly painful and not fatal. Those thorns could be fatal over time as they cocooned the victim but they don't have the instant fatality of the shield."

Geoff appears before the camera. "What can I say? Fanatics never win. That's why they always die in real life."

Armand then shows up. "Whatever it was, I was just glad to meet my old college buddy. We met with the X-Men about an hour ago and to make up for it me and Beast are going out to pick up girls in bars."

Suddenly Maxwell and Yumie storm onto the stage. Maxwell immediately begins cursing. "What's this sacrilege! What's this bullshit!"

Before anyone can say anything, Maxwell holds out his hands. "I don't care. It doesn't matter to God and his children." He then lets out a long, contrived laugh of a man who knows that he's beaten.

The threatens the hosts. "You may have manipulated the results but Jesus sees into your hearts. We'll meet again one day." He laughs again and Yumie has to drag him away before they miss their plane. "You got a date, boys!

Geoff turns to his buddies. "That guy's cracking. Another pedophilia lawsuit was filed against him while we were filming the show and the Vatican is calling him back."

_Meanwhile_

Alucard is watching this episode of _Deadliest Warrior_ on his TV. He's mad at having lost to Dante but he's pleased as hell that Anderson lost. As soon as he sees the words, he falls back into his dirty reclining chair and laughs his evil head off.

Suddenly he remembers something and realizes. "Oh shit! I was supposed to pick up Police Girl from the zoo twelve hours ago!" Jumping out of his hair, Alucard runs to borrow Walter's car without permission.

* * *

Thanks for reading, duckies. It's been wonderful. I love you all and wish you a happy new year. The idea of Anderson being from Boston is canon and it's totally my idea. Feel free to use it. His nationality is listed as unknown after all.

Next match I'll do my own combo followed by a viewer request. And if you want a real Hellsing/X-Men crossover then check out _Hellsing X_ by Captain Lycan; he will amaze you.

Next time will be Raiden of Metal Gear vs. General Grievous of Star Wars. It's going to be the battle of the cyborgs.

Till next time, stay tuned ladies and gentlemen :D

Ta

I am Master of the Boot


	9. Raiden vs General Grievous

Deadliest Warrior Chapter Eight: Raiden vs. General Grievous

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars, Deadliest Warrior or Metal Gear. This is purely a non-profit endeavour done solely for fun.

Here are some links of General Grievous and Raiden fighting.

.com/watch?v=R61cCBUWNQM

.com/watch?v=dLpnAuF4yUY

* * *

Announcer: _Raiden, former child soldier of the Liberian Civil war_

The Camera shows a young man with delicate features and bright blonde hair. He's wielding a katana in his hands.

_Once a potential replacement for Solid Snake, he later became the unstoppable cyborg ninja who aided Solid Snake in his fight against the Patriots._

We see Raiden now but his expression is hardened and much of his body has been replaced by cybernetic components.

_General Grievous, one of the most feared Jedi-killers in modern times who led the Separatist movement nearly to victory_

The screen shows a fearsome skeleton like cyborg with four arms and razor sharp claws. Only his bright yellow eyes full of hatred show that he's not entirely mechanical.

Announcer: _These two mechanical killing machines have never fought before._

Cut to a scene of Grievous attacking Raiden with his light sabres only for Raiden to roll out of the way.

_But if they did fight, who would win?_

Cut to a scene of Raiden thrusting his high frequency sword at Grievous only for the alien general to catch the blade between both of his hands.

_In a battle with no rules, no safety, no mercy, who would prevail?_

_The White Devil of Liberia_

A child Raiden fights under Solidus Snake. The boy uses his machinegun to kill enemy soldiers with such ferocity that all but Solidus are stricken with horror. Solidus merely grins at the pale skinned Caucasian boy covered in blood.

_Or the Scourge of the Huks_

A still organic Grievous attacks the Huk aliens with a sword. Despite the alien's superior technology, Grievous chops the Huks into so much blood and gore. He wipes off his sword as a dismembered hand twitches.

_An ally of Solid Snake_

Raiden uses his sword to slice apart two legged mechanical monsters called geckos. The fearsome cybernetic fighting machines are sliced up like jelly in a blender.

_Or a killer of Jedi_

Grievous kills several Jedi in the most brutal way possible. One Jedi he beheads, another he holds down and starts ripping out internal organs with his bare hands.

Announcer: _It`s a battle for supremacy to decide_

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

Announcer: _Here at the fight club we're scrambling like mad to prepare for the next exciting round of testing and ensuing death match. _

In the fight club, everybody is hustling to get ready for the first round of tests. In a corner, an old man in fine clothing and beautiful cape spins and thrusts a light sabre in impossible patterns.

Meanwhile, another old man in a sneaking suit practices CQC techniques on a plastic dummy.

Announcer: _Fight Doctor and former Emergency room medic Armand Dorian will have the honour of determining the lethality of the wounds inflicted. _

"It's my job to see who's alive, who's maimed and who's dead," the good doctor explains. "I'm very excited about this fight because from what I've seen both combatants are able to take a fair amount of damage and still keep on going."

_Biomedical expert and weapons expert Geoff Desmoulins will be testing the lethality of the weapons involved and which killing machine has the edge_

"This is a fight between one badass motherfucker and another badass mother fucker." The handsome weapons expert then fills us in on his prediction for the outcome of the fight. "I'm going to have to give this one to Grievous. He comes from a more technologically advanced society and he has the advantage of lightsabres."

_Computer expert Max Geiger acts as the lynchpin who puts the data together and gathers meaningful conclusions. _

"Grievous is like a mad dog," Max explains before the audience. "He's vicious, driven and cruel; but he's a weapon of shock and awe. If he fails to shock or awe his opponent then he might as well just bow his head and await execution because Raiden is not going to be scared that easily."

Announcer: _Assisting in the effort we have brought in outside experts who know their respective fighter second to none. _

_Representing Team Raiden are Solid Snake, clone of Big Boss and the greatest soldier of the Twenty first century and Vamp, Raiden's seemingly immortal nemesis. _

Snake appears before the camera in his Old Snake version. But despite his wrinkles and grey hair, the fire in Snake's heart is still burning strong. "Raiden is going to win this match," growls the old mercenary. "More than anything else, he has the mentality that no matter what kind of pain he endures or what kind of obstacles are thrown in his way, he will still win."

The grizzled veteran pulls out a cigarette and lights a smoke. "I should know, I have the same attitude."

Announcer: _On Behalf of team Grievous are Count Dooku of the Confederacy of Independent Systems and Cad Bane, notorious bounty hunter who worked for and against the General on several occasions. _

Unlike Solid Snake, Dooku's deep voice is melodious and sinister. "I have nothing but faith in the General's abilities. Very few warriors can face a hundred armed assailants head on and win; I just happen to be one of those." The old man's eyes twinkle coldly. "With my training, Grievous has killed over a hundred and fifty Jedi and crippled thousands more; and not just padawans, but fully fledged masters as well."

Vamp appears before the camera. The vampire like man smirks and reaches for the knife strapped to his crotch. "Our paths have crossed many times," he hisses seductively. "He has no fear of death; I like it." He pulls out his knife and licks the blade.

Cad Bane is a mean as hell Duro alien dressed up in western style. From under his wide brimmed hat, the alien's red eyes contrast with his blue skin. Bane smirks and touches the rim of his hat. "I'll appear on any TV show, for the right price."

Stats:

Raiden:

Height-5'9''

Weight-200 lbs

Manufacturer-Tokugawa Industries

Weapons-High Frequency Sword, Five-SeveN, FGM-148 Javelin, Gun de Sol

Grievous:

Height-8'5''

Weight-450 kg

Manufacturer-Intergalactic Banking Clan Medical Division

Weapons-light sabre, Blastech Grievance Striker, E-5 Blaster Rifle, Magna Staff

Announcer: _In our first test, the short range weapons. Raiden's Sword will go up against Greivous's light sabres. _

For this test, a gel torso designed to replicate human flesh has been placed on top of a concrete pillar. Old Snake shakes himself lose and begins to stretch well before engaging in any strenuous weapons testing.

Dooku stands nearby Snake and seems to have his doubts about Raiden's weapon coming out on top. "So you are actually going to through with the test? You are more foolish than I thought."

Snake however is undaunted by the Sith Lord. "This is science, Count; keep your hokey religion out of it." The Count's eyes narrow as Snake picks up the sword and begins to go through the practice motions. "We're going the testing one way or another."

The camera changes as Geoff is seen strapping on sensor devices to Snake's wrist and to the hilt of his weapon. As Snake moves around the blade, the data is transmitted to Max's computer and the resident tech guy gives a thumb's up.

"Alright, this is meant to measure your movement in three dimensions; this way we'll be able to tell how fast the strike is."

Snake simply grunts in affirmation. He just wants to get to slicing something.

At last the moment of truth has come. Snake stands ready and the experts give the go ahead.

"Snake!" Geoff calls. "You go in 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . GO!"

Launching himself forward with a vigour that would make any Samurai impressed, Snake goes for a killing strike. With a swipe, he slashes right through the neck of the dummy. The cut is so sharp and fine that the head stays on for a second before sliding off.

Moving faster than Big Boss, Snake slashes and slices at the dummy and then steps back. Everyone except for team Grievous looks on with wonderment as the headless dummy falls into a dozen jigsaw pieces which slide off of each other like pieces of ice.

Old Snake isn't done yet. As the final act, he swings the sword and chops the two foot thick concrete pillar and then slices the top half into two more pieces before it hits the ground.

Max, ever the _Metal Gear_ fan is immediately in love with Snake and his sweet moves. "Man, that is awesome. You cut through solid concrete like it's nothing! You even cut through the rebar reinforcement."

Vamp grins suavely at Max. "So you see my friend, why the White Devil must be called the deadliest warrior?"

Dooku and Cad Bane are not so impressed. The Count of Serenno politely yawns at Snake's impressive display of swordsmanship. Yoda could give the same performance in his sleep and he's way older than Old Snake.

Cad Bane sniffs with a mix of arrogance and disdain. "That old man's past his prime. They shoulda retired him ages ago." In a way, Bane is disappointed that nobody ever posted a bounty on Snake's head. It would have really added to his reputation.

Announcer: _Hot on the heels of the last test, the iconic light sabre goes next; the weapon of choice for both Sith and Jedi alike. _

In his hand, Dooku holds a finely crafted and elegant light sabre that is perfectly suited to his highly precise and geometric sword fighting style. "A lightsabre is a focal point of a Sith's power, the same principle applies to the Jedi. Unlike a Jedi or Sith, Grievous did not build his lightsabres; he took every last one of them from the cold, stiff hands of a fallen Jedi which he himself had felled."

"So were there any Jedi that he walked up behind and just stabbed in the back," Old Snake enquires cynically.

Dooku just smiles at Snake. "You would know all about sneaking, my stealthy friend. Rules are irrelevant when survival is at stake; the only winner is the one who walked away with his life."

Geoff then explains the nature of the test to Dooku. "Okay Count, we've got a series of twenty pig carcasses coming down on the ceiling rail and you'll have to cut them down as fast as you can."

"Child's play," the Count dismisses.

Announcer: _After the twenty pig carcasses come his way, a mystery target will come at Dooku and fully test the lightsabre's potential as a weapon. _

Dooku stands ready while his partner Cad Bane checks his e-mails on his IPhone.

Armand stands by with the signal. "Okay, lightsabre test in 3 . . . 2. . .1. . . EN GARDE!"

As the first of the pig carcasses go flying towards Dooku, the Sith lord gazes cooly at the flying ham.

Then with speed born of decades of training and a connection to the force, Dooku strikes. Whipping out his lightsabre with blinding speed, the first pig carcass is bisected and a smell of cooked meat hits the room.

The pig carcasses come at Dooku in rapid succession and in rapid succession they are sliced apart. Dooku doesn't just cut them in half. HE cuts them in half and then slices the falling pieces into quarters.

Suddenly, down the rail comes two robotic controlled machine guns that begin to rain bullets down on the separatist leader; each one equipped with a fifty round magazine.

Without breaking stride, Dooku effortlessly blocks the bullets flying at him with his lightsabre. The bullets hiss as they are instantly vaporized by the laser blade.

With a strike of blinding speed, the two ceiling mounted machine guns fall to the floor in eight pieces. But the machine guns aren't the piece de resistance.

Coming down the ceiling mounted rails at over forty miles an hour is a used car. It looks like Dooku might be in trouble, but the Sith Lord merely smiles. Acrobatically jumping up despite his advanced years, Dooku does a summersault in the air and slices the car into two pieces.

Dangling from wires, the halves of the car create a huge firestorm of sparks as they drag across the concrete floor of the fight club.

The three hosts of the show laugh as they bear witness to Dooku's awesome skill. There's nothing left but sliced ham, chopped metal and brass casings. If the famous assassin droid HK-47 were here he'd turn tail and find an easier job at the sight of Dooku.

Cad bane takes this time to rib the opposition. "So what were you saying about how great his sword is?" Bane cocks his head and narrows his red eyes. "Pathetic."

The three hosts then sit down to discuss what they've seen. Geoff opens with the obvious. "Lightsabre wins, hands down; no discussion."

Max nods at his buddy. "Agreed, with the lightsabre you can just cut the sword like the sword cut through the concrete."

Armand too agrees. "And even taking out of the account the lethality of the lightsabre, Dooku was able to swing his weapon twice as fast as Snake was able to swing the sword."

There can be no questioning the results.

Edge: Lightsabre

Announcer: _With short range weapons announced it's time for the testing of medium range weapons, beginning with general Grievous's own preferred firearm, the Grievance Striker. _

Since Dooku prefers the lightsabre as his weapon of choice, Cad Bane is naturally the one to demonstrate the weapon's value.

"This is a custom tooled and refurbished DT-57 Annihilator blaster pistol," Bane explains. "You've got guaranteed head removal with this weapon," he states with relish.

"Costing eight hundred and fifty credits, the range has been reduced from fifty to thirty five metres in order to squeeze more power out of it. Each clip holds a hundred and fifty shots depending on the power setting."

The alien bounty hunter spins the gun expertly on his finger and starts to aim with it. "This gun will punch through virtually any personal force field in existence and cut through armour like butter."

He smiles a she caresses the trigger on the weapon. "This is a fucking hungry man."

Vamp chooses to taunt Cad Bane. "And yet this weapon was not powerful enough to prevent General Grievous from being killed by Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Bane sneers at Vamp, slowly pointing the gun in the general direction of the semi-greasy Romanian. "Maybe you should see for yourself; care to volunteer for target practice?"

Vamp merely laughs at Cad Bane's suggestion and spreads his arms wide. "If that is what you want," almost magically, three throwing knives seem to appear in either of vamp's hands, "then let's go, big man."

Before hostilities can erupt, Max and Geoff break the two up.

Since this is a deadly blaster, the testing occurs in the deep desert where the _Deadliest Warrior_ guys test all their guns.

Bane stands with the Grievance Striker, this time the gun is fully loaded. Vamp stands nearby; the pistol he plans to use is tucked at his belt . . . just above his crotch.

Geoff takes the time to explain the test. "Okay, ahead of your is a series of doors with a cardboard target behind each of them. Your job is to go in and shoot hostiles without killing any friendly cut-outs. At the final door there will be a robotic enemy designed to simulate the armour and abilities of your opponents. Think you can handle it?"

Cad Bane merely smirks. "There is a reason why I'm the best paid bounty hunter in the galaxy."

"But not as well paid as Boboa Fett," Vamp snipes.

Immediately, Cad Bane sneers at Vamp but decides that he'll extract revenge another time.

Announcer: _To make things more interesting and more trying for our experts, a smoke grenade will be set off to obscure their vision. _

As the coloured smoke goes off, Cad Bane holds his blaster ready. Max gets the sacred stopwatch ready. "Alright, in 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . GO!"

Wasting no time, Bane sprints forward with his gun like an Olympian gold medal runner. Thinking fast, Bane shoots off the handle of the door and kicks it wide open. Through the thick smoke he can just barely make out the cardboard likeness of a FROG soldier.

Instantly, Cad Bane fires a dozen rounds into the chest of the figure in a rapid spray.

Shooting the lock off the next door, Bane activates his rocket boots and flies into the next room. Inside there is a cardboard cut-out of a battle droid, which he ignores and once more shoots off the handle of the next door.

Cad Bane repeats this process several times, blasting enemy figures and sparing friendly ones until at least he reaches the final door. Once inside, Bane sprays the room with blaster fire and cuts his rocket boots to allow the power cells time to recharge.

Inside the room there is a robotic replica of a cyborg ninja. The robot ninja ducks under Bane's blaster fire and swings its high frequency sword at the bounty hunter.

Falling back on years of practice and honed instinct, Bane flips backwards from the strike and opens up with more blaster fire at the robot ninja.

Reaching into his tool belt, Bane throws down a smoke bomb specifically designed to mess with the vision of cyborgs and droids without interfering with his own eyesight.

As the robot swings confused into the mass of smoke, Cad Bane blows its head off with a single shot. The robot stumbles and swings its sword one last time before falling.

Bane smirks and holsters his weapon. He's more than earned his pay today.

At the work station, Max clocks in the time. "Thirty one seconds," he writes down into his expensive computer.

Geoff turns to Vamp and Solid Snake. "So guys, think you can beat that?"

Snake's whole manner radiates confidence. "We could do that in our sleep."

Snake then turns to his partner who is wearing a ton of sunblock and big sunglasses. "Come on Vamp, let's embarrass these space faggots."

Everything is reset and Vamp now takes his turn to explain the medium range weapon of their group. "This is the FN Five-Seven pistol, alternately spelled Five-SeveN; after the manufacturer's initials."

"This gun was the preferred sidearm for my old special forces group, Dead Cell. The White Devil began to use one of these guns after the incident at the Big Shell Oil Clean Up facility."

"Yeah" says Armand. "I heard about that on the news a few years back."

Vamp smirks. These guys don't know the full story of Big Shell. "The weapon has an effective range of fifty meters is capable of penetrating forty-eight layers of Kevlar at one hundred sixty-four feet."

Next, vamp holds up a clip of bullets with blue coloured tips. "The gun fires the 5.7 by 28 millimetre bullets; which are high velocity bottle neck rounds. Due to the high velocity of the bullet and the eight rifle grooves in the gun barrel, this weapon is both very powerful and very accurate."

For good measure he adds. "One can carry thousands of rounds of Five-seveN ammunition where another might be able to carry only a few hundred SOCOM rounds."

Old Snake bristles as Vamp disses his favourite weapon but says nothing because they're on a team.

"How much ammo does that hold?" jeers Cad Bane.

"Twenty rounds," Vamp laughs. "Enough to give the good general a proper funeral with."

The test is all ready to go and Vamp has his gun ready, plus a spare clip of ammo tucked into his belt . . . once more above his crotch.

As Max gives the countdown once more, Armand talks to the camera. "You know I heard that this was Sam Fisher's favourite pistol."

"GO!" Max screams.

Not wasting any time, Vamp sprints with superhuman ability. Not wasting a bullet, he simply smashes down the door before him and puts two bullets into the head of the cardboard imitation of a Super Battle Droid.

With preternatural speed, he kicks down the next door and spares the cardboard cut-out of Johnny Sasaki; even though he's sorely tempted to shoot the recognizable figure in a balaclava.

In no time at all, Vamp reaches the final target. Standing before him in frightening accuracy is a robotic replica of General Grievous. The only thing different about the robot is that it lacks the organic, hate filled eyes of the separatist general.

The faux Grievous attacks Vamp with four arms, each one carrying a lightsabre. Vamp does several summersaults and jumps onto a fabricated wall, where he clings like a gecko. On the wall, Vamp unloads high velocity armour piercing bullets onto the robo-Grievous.

Unfortunately for him the bullets that can punch through a PSAGT bulletproof vest at three hundred meters merely bounce off the imposter's well forged armour plating. Even shots to the knees and other joints do nothing.

Lightsabres slice through the air where Vamp formerly clung to the wall.

Sailing through the air like an acrobat, Vamp lands on the robot's shoulders and puts the pistol barrel right up to the droid's eye. Vamp pulls the trigger and then fires a bullet into the robot's other eye.

The robot freezes like it's encased in amber. Sparks are shooting from where both of its eyes used to be.

As light as a feather, Vamp jumps off of the tall robot's shoulders and ejects the spent magazine from his gun. Just as he does so, the robot topples like a giant, ugly domino.

Announcer: _Back at the fight club, our experts discuss the data. _

Geoff turns to his buddy Max. "So Max, what do you think?"

Max recites the results according to the hard data. "Well, Vamp was actually faster at getting to his target than Cad Bane; twenty one seconds versus twenty eight seconds. The real difference lies in the time it took to kill the target. Vamp's total time was around thirty seven seconds."

"Not to mention that the handgun Vamp had was nearly useless against the Grievous stand in," Armand points out.

Geoff looks at his two coworkers. "Looks clear to me."

"Agreed."

"Agreed."

Edge: Grievance Striker

Announcer: _With medium and short range testing done like dinner, it's time for the long range weapons_

Things are being set up at the long range testing course. While the three hosts are getting everything ready, Dooku and Snake are sparring. The two old men are lashing out at each other like a couple of archaic action heroes.

"I sense indecision in you, Snake," says Dooku as he deflects a strike from Snake. The two old men snap and kick at each other but neither seems to be gaining any sort of advantage. "Your father Big Boss never was like this."

Snake responds by increasing the speed and unpredictability of the strike he throws at Dooku. "And yet I beat Big Boss and gouged Ocelot's eyes out." He grits his teeth as Dooku throws him to the ground but rolls out of it without any damage.

Dooku renews the attack. "You are worthless, just like your two idiot brothers."

Snake launches at Dooku. "Big Boss fell to the dark side; in the end, his fear and hate controlled him, not the other way around."

Dooku and Snake begin exchanging kicks with rapid speed. "I fought alongside Naked Snake during the Peacewalker Incident," says Dooku. "He was worth a hundred of you."

Before the sparring can do on any longer, they are called over to the weapons test. Both men dust themselves off and casually walk over to the hosts.

While this was happening, Cad Bane and Vamp were helping themselves to a pot of coffee provided by Max. Bane's coffee is black and Vamp has it double cream double sugar.

Announcer: _The FGM-148 Javelin is a powerful US made anti-tank missile which uses radio control to manipulate the flight pattern of the projectile. _

Old Snake stands at the shooting range with a hefty missile launcher over his shoulder. The weapon he is carrying is man portable but still quite heavy. Snake starts to give an overview of the weapon.

"This is a fire and forget missile system; I fire and that's the end of it. The missile requires no further aiming once you shoot it."

The old man lights a cigarette before going on. "It has a range of two thousand meters and can easily destroy most modern tanks."

Geoff then points out to Snake what his challenge will be. "Well Solid, what you'll have several targets to take out here today and you're being judged for both accuracy and time it takes to take out all the targets."

Across the desert there are a series of decommissioned Trade Federation battle tanks just waiting to be taken apart. Also there are a couple mechanical imitations of General Grievous.

Armand then explains the Grievous stand ins. "Those are hollow shells based off of now declassified blueprints of General Grievous. Packed inside of those two armoured shells are ballistics gel designed to simulate Kaleesh organs and flesh. Inside each there is a computer link that will tell us whether you've killed him or merely disoriented him."

Snake nods. "That works for me. Let's get this show on the road."

Dooku watches Snake with wary eyes while Vamp and Cad Bane continue to have a star off over hot cups of java. Vamp breaks off eye contact to call out to Snake. "Will you need help?"

"I'll be fine," Snake calls back.

Everything gets set up, the guys are ready and Geoff takes the stop watch. "Snake, you're on in 3. . . 2 . . . . 1. . . . FIRE!"

With eyes on the prize, Snake fires off his first missile. There is a huge flare out the back of the weapon as the first stage; the soft stage launches the rocket. Then, when the missile is a safe distance away, the missile activates and zooms towards its target.

Snake doesn't stop to watch as the Trade Federation Tank has a massive hole punched into the armour and the insides are burned to slag.

Not without some difficulty, Snake reloads the rocket and launches another missile. As he does this, Cad Bane looks on with a slight sneer and Dooku is unreadable. It would seem that the pair of them are not sure their weapon of choice can prevail.

One by one, each Tank is blown to bits until at last only the two mock-ups of Grievous are left; standing there like Grievous zombies or something.

A missile launches and cuts through the air. The warhead explodes just five feet from the mock up on the left. With only one missile left, Snake must aim well.

Squeezing the trigger one last time, Snake gets his target dead on. The missile strikes the faux general in the chest and engulfs it in a cloud of fire and shrapnel.

Hefting up the heavy rocket launcher, Snake strolls over to Vamp and gives him a fist bump. Old Snake then looks over to Dooku and Bane. "Let's see you boys beat that."

At their own leisurely rate, the three hosts and the experts approach the damaged targets. Around them tower the burned hulks of the decommissioned tanks. Peering inside of the burned ruins, Geoff comments. "Nothing inside of that tank is alive, droid or otherwise."

Announcer: _But results are a little less clear cut when it comes to the main targets. _

The two fake Grievouses are now charred and knocked over, like statues at a Greek ruin. Plugging in a digital device into a still functional slot, Armand retrieves the data from the pressure pads inside the armour. "Well, this guy here that took the direct hit is dead. The kinetic energy simply splattered his insides to jelly."

"One down," Snake laughs.

The other target is less encouraging. "Well, this guy is definitely alive. He's stunned but nothing the good psychopath can't get back up from."

Snake is outraged. "But the rocket went off like five feet from him."

Dooku just smirks at Snake. "It's science, old soldier. General Grievous is built to take a direct hit from a turbo laser and still keep on fighting. One primitive earth missile won't be enough to stop him, assuming that he stands in one place long enough for such a ridiculous weapon to hit him."

"We'll see about that, Count" Snake warns.

Announcer: _The E-5 blaster, standard weapon of the droid armies of the CIS. Featuring a large gas chamber, the weapon is capable of powerful blasts at a range of over two thousand meters. Manufactured by Baktoid Armour Workshop, the E-5 is a weapon specifically designed for use by droids. _

Cad Bane holds up an E-5 blaster rifle in his hand and gives a little rundown before a demonstration. "Not my favourite blaster rifle but it's highly effective against cyborgs like your little blond boy. Around the time of the Gulf War, these things were all over the Middle East after the Clone Wars ended and they gave no small helping of trouble to NATO forces."

Vamp laughs at Cad Bane. "That toy is your answer to our weapon?"

Snake seems to agree with his bizarre ally. "It's a powerful weapon but I'll take an AK-47 to one of those any day."

"We'll be sure to change your mind," Count Dooku injects jovially.

The scene shifts to Cad Bane kneeling down with the blaster rifle. To test the weapon, there is a set of dummies, four stationary and two on automated robotic stands. Over a thousand meters away there are a group of remote targets to see how the range holds up. Two thousand meters away is a mannequin dressed up to look like Raiden.

In the hot sun, Bane wipes his brow from under his broad hat. As per usual, the call is given, this time by Max. "In 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . FIRE!"

The first batch of dummies don't even make it. To prove his superior marksmanship, Bane fires two blaster bolts at the head of each dummy. He decapitates every last one of his targets in literally four seconds flat.

Taking only three seconds to aim, Bane then starts firing on the thousand meter targets. His shorts go by blindingly fast and the weapon just barely fires slower than most automatic machineguns.

After a dizzying number of blaster bolts have been fired. Cad Bane unloads the rest of his ammo holder into the final target at two thousand meters.

The hosts grit their teeth with excitement as Bane knocks himself out, determined as he is to take down his last target.

Since this gun is normally designed for droids, it has a tendency to overheat and is very delicate. However Cad Bane is getting around those design flaws by wearing protective gloves. Being mostly mechanical, General Grievous never had an issue with this weapon.

At last after what feels like forever, Bane runs out of ammo and the test is halted.

Geoff checks the time. "Two and a half minutes. Our longest gun test yet. Let's see how you did."

Armand assess the damage of the mannequins at short range. "Well, all their heads are missing. You don't need me to tell you they're dead."

Everyone climbs aboard a series of golf carts to reach the thousand meter targets. Geoff drives Dooku and Snake while in another cart, Armand and Max fight for who gets to drive. Cad Bane settles the dispute for the two; and Vamp gets to ride his own personal golf cart.

At the thousand meter mark, the results are less than encouraging. Armand inspects the damage on the dummies. "Well, these three dummies here have got at least five or six shots to the chest; dead but not especially accurate given how much ammo you threw at them. Not to mention that the other three dummies are unscathed."

Back on the golf carts again, they check the final target. The Raiden mannequin has got a burn on the cheek but no other signs of damage. Armand inspects the burn. "This isn't even fatal."

Snake taunts Bane. "So I fired two shots and killed a whole platoon. You fired a thousand shots and missed."

Bane snarls at Snake. "It's not a gun I'd use on the job anyway."

"Whiner." Snake taunts.

The scene shifts back to the fight club.

Geoff goes over it with his three buddies. "Definitely the rocket launcher on this one."

Max and Armand agree. "Yeah," says Max, "Even a marksman like Cad Bane had a hard time hitting targets at even a thousand meters whereas Snake hit his target twice at two kilometers away."

Edge: FGM-148 Javelin

Announcer: _With all but two tests left, how have the results impacted our professionals?_

Armand appears before the camera. "At first I wasn't sure who to support, but of the two fighters, Grievous seems to be the more educated about killing. After the Liberian Civil war, Raiden's only real training seemed to come from the Patriot's virtual reality programs. Grievous on the other hand comes from a warrior culture and was a warlord before becoming a cyborg. Then he received combat instruction from Count Dooku, one of the Jedi Order's greatest swordsmen."

Max then appears before the camera. "There are a lot of dangerous weapons in this match. I still support Raiden but it's going to be a close call."

At last Geoff appears before the Camera. "I'm still with Grievous on this one but I think that the rocket launcher just might tip the balance. It's instantly lethal and can follow its target."

This next test takes place inside the fight club because now it's onto special weapons. Vamp takes the stage, holding in his hand a most peculiar gun. "Behold," crows the Romanian, "The Gun de Sol."

"What the hell is that?" says Bane.

The gun that Vamp holds is unlike any ever seen on the show. It's an ornate weapon with a wood handle and brass plating. It has a large bore with two vertical metal plates of bronze mounted on the sides of the barrel. Sticking out from under the gun is a knife; rather like a bayonet. Despite its somewhat archaic feel, the Solar Gun also has a strangely high tech vibe about it.

The three hosts look at the gun in awe. Max, who is a Metal Gear fan, seems to be the most impressed by this unique weapon. "Amazing," Max says.

Geoff dives right to the point. "So what can you tell us about the particulars of this gun? What makes it stand out?"

Snake takes point for this matter. "This gun is fuelled by direct sunlight; so it's green. It's used to fire high rate, low potency shots that knock out an enemy and cause all their equipment to fall off them."

"So this is a non-lethal weapon," asks Armand.

Snake replies, "That's correct."

Count Dooku and Cad Bane are instantly scornful of a non-lethal weapon. "Well that isn't going to bring into kills into your favour." Dooku scoffs.

"Get rid of that toy," Cad Bane jeers.

Snake shows his enemies a stiff upper lip and retorts. "Say what you will, ladies. This is the most powerful non-lethal weapon in mine or Raiden's arsenal."

"But our special weapon kills," counters Dooku.

Before the pissing match can go on any further, the firing range has been set up. Five foam dummies have been set up with various ammo belts and knickknacks strapped to their bodies. A few of the dummies are given arms with guns strapped to them.

Geoff works to strap a motion sensor onto Vamp's wrist, ignoring the cold feel of the man's flesh or the unpleasant way that Vamp is looking at Geoff's veins.

Announcer: _To test the gun's full potential, the clock will be started at the time when Vamp begins to raise the weapon. _

Armand takes the timer this time. "3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . . SUNLIGHT!"

Immediately, Vamp raises up the gun almost too fast for the eye to see. With a few quick squeezes of the trigger, he fires beams of concentrated sun onto the dummies. Each shot of solar energy knocks back each dummy a good thirty feet and like a charm, knocks all the equipment and ammo off of each target.

Armand reads off the time. "Seven and a half seconds."

"That's pretty good for ten targets," Geoff compliments.

"Definitely, Boktai 2 was pretty awesome," only Max knows what the hell he is referring to. Everybody else pretends not to hear the computer expert.

Geoff walks over and observes the damages. "This is amazing. The ammo clips have even fallen out of these guns." He points to one dummy. "Look at that, his fly is even undone."

Vamp notes. "This gun has no recoil, making it easier to fire rapidly and accurately."

Count Dooku immediately puts down the weapon. "A mere toy. Non-lethal is not practical on the battlefield."

Vamp defends his weapon. "This weapon can kill. The bayonet can slice through most body armour and the butt of the handle can be easily used as a bludgeon; like an old flintlock pistol."

Geoff quickly analyzes the situation and comes to a conclusion. "It looks to me like we need to design a test for the gun's short range capabilities as well."

"I also suggest a second long range test." Vamp suggests.

"How do you plan to do that?" Geoff wonders.

Without any warning whatsoever, Vamp takes the Solar Gun and shoots Cad Bane with it.

Caught off guard, Bane screams as he's flung backwards and slams very hard into a metal work bench. Bane's hat flutters pitifully to the floor as its owner lays unmoving on the floor.

"Holy shit! What did you do that for?" Max demands to know.

Vamp just grins and holsters the Solar Gun. "Since the end of the Patriots, I've become a bounty hunter and now I'm taking in Cad Bane so that I can collect the bounty he incurred when he held republic senators hostage."

Snake sees no objection to this. "Well, he's a cock smoker at any rate; so knock yourself out, Vamp."

And like a swarm of vultures, everybody moves in to steal as much of Cad Bane's stuff before the others get to it. Max quickly jacks Cad Bane's iPod while Armand boosts the downed bounty hunter's first aid kit.

Snake is busy rifling through Cad Bane's wallet when he sees Count Dooku. Instead of helping his downed partner, Dooku is stealing Bane's stuff with the best of them. Betrayal is truly the way of the Sith.

Dooku realizes that he's hit the jackpot when he finds a half dozen _Peek Freans _cookies still in their wrappers. Eyes lighting up, Dooku opens one of the cookie packages and scans the yummy cookie with a poison snooper; because with Cad Bane you just never know.

Snake gives Dooku a funny look but Count Dooku merely explains. "A Sith lord can eat whatever he finds in someone else's pockets." With the "all clear" chime from the poison snooper, Dooku begins happily munching on Cad Bane's cookies.

Just a little ways over, Vamp smiles as he calls dibs on Cad Bane's rocket boots. Geoff gets to keep his hat.

Announcer: _And so we come to the final leg of testing. As Vamp finishes testing the Gun de Sol, Team Grievous—or what's left of it—test out the Magna Staff._

The scene briefly shows vamp stabbing and clubbing at a pig carcass with the Gun de Sol before changing.

In the next scene, Count Dooku stands with a large staff made from high quality phrik alloy; one of the universe's few lightsabre resistant substances. Over in the corner, Vamp and Solid Snake are tying Cad Bane to a swivel chair using a roll of duct tape. Bane still hasn't come to.

Suspended from the ceiling are a bunch of ceramic balls of varying sizes. Each one of them is filled with fake blood. Also hanging from the ceiling is a series of human skulls loaded with fake grey and white matter so that extra special splatter which Spike TV fans love so much.

Announcer: _The chief weapon of Grievous's mechanical body guards, the Magna droids, the Magna staff is a lightsabre resistant weapon which delivers electrocution and bone shattering trauma in one neat package. _

The getup is simple enough and it doesn't take much time for the guys to explain to Dooku what he needs to do.

The camera shifts to Dooku speaking a bit about the Magna staff. "I am not just an expert with lightsabres; I've taken the time to master a variety of melee weapons, my favourite being the Magna staff and the Mandalorian beskad."

The old man pauses to stroke his beard. "Although explosives are a great deal of fun, much more so than blasters."

At last, Count Dooku stands before the testing area. Max calls over to the Count. "Dooku, are you ready?"

In response, Count Dooku fires up the generator on the Manga staff and the ends of the device crackle with purple energy.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . CHARGE!"

Despite his advanced years, Count Dooku launches himself at the targets like a bat out of hell. His cape flying out behind him billows out like Dracula's cape.

As he flies forward one hanging skull looks mournfully at the Count before it is wiped from existence.

The blunt end of the Magna Staff is thrust right through the skull in a shower of bone and fake brain; the skull splinters into an unrecognizable mess.

Acting as though he's surrounded by real enemies, Dooku spins the heavy metal staff in a circle, destroying a half dozen ceramic balls and another skull are consigned to oblivion.

Dooku is a whirlwind of death, parrying and dodging imaginary strikes while splitting the skulls of his enemies.

When there is only one last skull left and the whole floor is covered in blood, the Count quickly rips off his cape and throws it over the skull to obscure its vision and then he starts to wale on it like a lumberjack cutting a tree with an imaginary axe.

At last the test is called off and Dooku walks off to clean the fake blood from his clothes. He doesn't get this problem with a ligthsabre.

The three hosts review the footage of Dooku and compare it to Vamp and the Gun de Sol. "So what do you think?" Geoff asks his companions.

"Dooku was lethal," Max says.

"But the damage done by the Solar Gun was pretty extreme as well," Armand remarks.

The three men go over video footage of Vamp attacking using the Solar Gun's melee features. Geoff talks about the gun's specs. "Well for such an awkward shaped weapon, it's perfectly weighted for hand to hand combat but it wasn't as deadly at close range as the Magna staff."

"Still," Max points out, "The Solar Gun's long range attack, while non-lethal can still sway the battle in favour of the solar gunner."

The three men look at each other. The decision is soon made.

Edge: Gun de Sol.

Announcer: _The testing is done, now it's time turn the screws and roll the dice. This is the moment you've all been waiting for! _

The screen changes to Max inputting all the data on his computer and hitting the "enter" key to start the simulation.

_Let's get ready to rumble! _

* * *

Simulation:

Panic in the galaxy! The Clone wars have engulfed yet another planet into the maelstrom of death and destruction.

Planet earth, a planet already overrun by lunatics and criminals is under siege by the droid armies of the CIS.

In the Near East, Private Military Corporations battle for and against the Republic and CIS forces in a maelstrom of destruction. Religious fanatics, nanite pumped assassins, people with nothing to lose; they're all raising hell for everyone involved.

Amidst the chaos, Solid Snake and Naomi Hunter barely escape onto a helicopter piloted by Otacon. "Raiden," Snake rasps. They got separated and now from up above Snake can finally see what's become of the new cyborg ninja.

Raiden is ensnared by the tentacles of half mechanical two legged beasts called geckos. Struggle as he might, he just cannot break free.

It's not long before Raiden's mechanically enhanced hearing picks up the sound of thundering footsteps and it's somebody much worse than Vamp who's coming.

Towering above Raiden and flanked by the deadly IG-100 MagnaGuards, General Grievous looks ugly. He's an ivory coloured monstrosity that looks like he was set on fire and put out with a shovel. He easily looks like he could kill everyone in a thousand mile radius and enjoy it.

Never one for witty banter, General Grievous immediately grabs Raiden's throat with his massive six clawed hand and punches Raiden in the face with the other. The force of the blow shatters Raiden's plastic visor and breaks his nose.

Almost turned on by the sight of blood, Grievous throws a razor sharp knee into Raiden's side. The young man groans as his side is cut open and artificial white blood spills out.

Undaunted, Raiden dares to look General Grievous in the eye; something very few have been able to do. This act of defiance ruffles Grievous's feathers.

Grievous's body shakes as he let out a wet cough but soon shakes it off. Using a razor sharp finger, he slashes open a wound in Raiden's midriff, more white blood spills out. "Are you a droid?" the General's voice is low and deadly.

"Nah," Raiden sneers. "I'm no droid. But I wonder what kind of dickless halfwit chooses to become a sideshow freak like you."

Growling, Grievous suddenly doesn't give a shit what Lord Sideous or Liquid Ocelot have to say. The pair of them can go fuck themselves. Nobody fucks with the Scourge of the Huks.

Not wasting another word, Grievous pulls a lightsabre at random from his belt and ignites it. The glowing blade stands out brightly as Grievous prepares to cut off Raiden's head when all of the sudden—

**BANG!**

The end of the lightsabre explodes and the weapon shuts down. Solid Snake fired a sniper's bullet at Grievous's weapon. Another bullet cuts through a gecko's tentacle and gives Raiden the opening he needs.

Immediately, Raiden's left fist shoots out and knocks back General Grievous. The force of the blow is enough to crush a man like a toothpick and punch through a concrete wall, but it merely irritates Grievous.

As he goes flying back, Grievous's talloned feet dig into the ground and stop his momentum. Grievous glares at Raiden as if he'll enjoy raping the aggravating little bishie.

Not losing a second, Raiden reaches to his belt and pulls out is high frequency sword. Slicing through the tentacle around his arm. Immediately after, he leaps onto his hands and starts to swing around the two remaining geckos holding onto him through the air.

In some kind of bizarre break dancing move, Raiden's legs easily slip through the air even though they're weighed down by multi-ton bipedal cyborgs.

Outraged by the incompetence and worthlessness of the geckos, Grievous yells for his body guards to get the job done. "TEAR HIS FUCKING LIMBS OFF!"

Wordlessly, the Magnaguards move to obey. As they charge forward, Raiden cuts the tentacles holding the geckos to him and the large fighting machines go flying right into the MagnaGuards.

Without much effort, the fearsome fighting machines swat aside the geckos like nothing. A quick strike of a Magna staff crushed the whole left side of a gecko's reactive armour carapace and instantly kills it.

Suddenly the Magna guard falls to the ground, one of its heavily armoured legs sliced off. Raiden swings his sword to decapitate the killer droid but the General's body guard rolls out of the way and strikes at Raiden with its staff.

Raiden blocks the strike from the downed droid with his sword while simultaneously shooting out a kick at the other guard, knocking away its staff and sending it spinning.

Shooting up like a spring, the one legged MagnaGuard jumps up on its remaining leg and starts to try to kill Raiden.

Sparks fly as Raiden's sword slices small splinters off of the nearly indestructible phrik alloy. The droid that went flying tries to strike Raiden from behind but he sidesteps the blow and ends up hitting its partner droid.

While this is happening, the last two geckos have blundered in like the dumb animals their dim AI's attempt to emulate. One of the half machine, half biological beasts tries to stomp on Raiden, only to have its powerful organic leg sliced off.

Raiden jumps on top of another gecko and thrusts his sword directly into the machine's central processor.

As he jumps off of the gecko, his sword strikes true and slices the head off of a MagnaGuard, but the tenacious droid keeps fighting despite the loss of its head.

The MagnaGuard kicks the bucket when a lightsabre blade slices it in half and almost takes Raiden's head off. One shade slower and Raiden would have lost his melon.

Growling like a mad animal, Grievous swings with his lightsabre. Despite his size, Grievous is every bit as agile as Raiden. Like the striking crocodile, Grievous brings thousands of pounds of bite power in a fraction of a second. But Raiden is no hapless antelope. He's a striking Cobra.

Grievous swings at Raiden with his lightsabre, alternately striking out with razor sharp feet, hands, elbows and knees. Not a single one of these strikes hits Raiden, who skilfully dances out of the way each strike.

The remaining MagnaGuard charges at Raiden, but a few quick slices leaves the droid into nothing more than high priced scrap metal.

Jumping back, Grievous and Raiden circle each other and look for an opening. They glare at each other for a split second; yellow eyes meet blue.

Despite his seeming rage, Grievous is perfectly in control of his actions. His technique is flawless and he has a strategy in mind to slay his foe.

After only the span of a few eye blinks, the two fighters charge at each other like two opposing winds.

There is a mighty noise as they fly past each other and for a second, they stop. The General is hugely shocked when he sees that his lightsabre shuts down. In his own hand, the lightsabre falls in two, cut in half by Raiden's sword.

Grinding his sharp talons in fury over the cobble stones, Grievous pulls out his customized blaster pistol, the Grievance Striker. A marksman as well as a swordsman, Grievous shoots at Raiden's head with no posture or warning.

Raiden leaps like a grasshopper to avoid the deadly rain of blaster fire; accurate by both decades of practice and high powered targeting computers in his cybernetic brain.

He cannot keep it up. As good as he is at dodging, Grievous is better at shooting, so Raiden takes a gamble.

Holding his sword like a spear, Raiden hurls his weapon at Grievous with the javelin accuracy of an ancient Greek hoplite hurling a spear.

Sparks fly as Raiden perfectly puts his sword right through the barrel of the Grievance Striker, making the weapon useless.

Grievous narrows his eyes at the puny little bitch who dares to defy him. He regrets not having a mouth anymore; because he wants to sink his teeth into Raiden's eye and tear it right out.

Raiden reaches for a gun at his belt, pulling back the slide on the Five-seveN. General Grievous is not only the one around here with knowledge of how to put bullets into a target.

It is at this point that General Grievous goes all out. His armoured and deadly arms split into four arms and those four arms each grab a lightsabre from inside of his cloak.

As he sprints at Raiden, his four arms begin to spin around his body in a circular orbit so that it looks like General Grievous has become a giant laser buzz saw of death.

The new cyborg ninja empties the clip at Grievous but the armour piercing bullets merely bounce harmlessly off his armour like the shot from a BB gun.

Changing his approach, Raiden tries to shoot General Grievous in the eye but none doing. Using his spinning lightsabres, Grievous blocks the bullets fired at his eyes. The little projectiles instantly vaporize and the General's reptilian eyes continue to see.

Smirking a little bit, Raiden puts away the pistol and grabs for another weapon from his belt; one which was specially purchased from Drebin the weapons launderer.

As Grievous is almost on Raiden, the blond youth leaps up into the air. While he sails through the air, General Grievous jumps up in a bit to bisect his opponent. One of the lightsabre tips whizzes past Raiden's face, slicing through a lock of blonde hair as it does.

Raiden lands behind Grievous just in time to see the General's whole torso rotate like a lazy Suzan to face Raiden.

To the surprise of the half Kaleesh, half mechanical monster; Raiden is holding up some kind of strange gun at him.

"SUNLIGHT!" shouts Raiden before shooting his gun.

The battle notwithstanding, this has to be the least intimidating battle cry that General Grievous has ever heard.

Grievous moves to block the sunlight beam with his lightsabre but something unexpected happens. Instead of being deflected in a neat fashion like a blaster, the sunbeam bursts into a spray of light and knocks back the general.

Grievous frantically springs up and tries to blink the sun blindness out of his eyes. Reaching into his cape, he finds that all his lightsabres are missing and so is his backup blaster.

Though his eyesight is temporarily impaired, Grievous can perfectly hear the sound of Raiden's sword fling in an arc towards his neck.

Jumping up like a grasshopper, Grievous avoids Raiden's blade at the cost of his cape. The high frequency sword slices Grievous's cape in half.

As his momentum takes him skyward, Grievous's four arms combine back into two and he waves his limbs to try and keep from landing on his head when gravity takes to pulling on him again.

Grievous lands as gracefully as can be for someone who's lost his eyesight. He lands on top of four human soldiers and two clone troopers. Three of the four humans are killed and with a sweep of his hand, Grievous decapitates the remaining biological soldiers.

Tearing off his cape, Grievous hits a button to summon his personal star ship. This shit has gone too far and it's time for him to leave the battlefield.

It's not too long however before General Grievous's vision slowly returns. In the sky, the General's newly sighted eyes can see his private star ship cutting through the war torn skies.

The General's good mood is ruined when his ship is show down by a missile. Spinning around, Grievous can see the figure of Raiden, as timely as the angel of death.

For a moment, fear overcomes the General for no other foes of his have shown such tenacity before.

With his prey in sight, Raiden loads another missile and fires it at the General.

Snapping out of his state of fear, General Grievous blinks his eyes as the speeding missile comes at him too fast for most organics to comprehend.

Falling back on years of training and his own warrior instinct, Grievous's hands shoot out and catch the missile in midair, only feet from his chest before turning it around and flinging it at Raiden like a harpoon.

Dropping the rocket launcher, Raiden charges forward.

There is little that the missile can do to correct such a radical course adjustment but that's not a problem Raiden has to worry about.

Swinging his sword overhead, Raiden slices the missile in half and the two pieces blow up two separate buildings behind him.

Launching himself forward like a meteorite, Raiden thrusts his sword right towards General Grievous's right eye—

Only for General Grievous to catch the blade of the sword between both hands.

Fear leads to anger, anger to hate and hate leads to suffering. Grievous truly believes in the catechism shared by both Sith and Jedi; although Grievous differs with the Jedi as to who suffers because of anger and hate.

Twisting sideways, Grievous snaps the blade of Raiden's sword in half.

Tackling his enemy to the ground, Grievous grabs Raiden with four hands; two hands rip chunks out of Raiden's mechanical guts and two hands grip his throat. "I WILL BREAK YOU!"

One hand, covered in white blood breaks off from ripping up Raiden's organs and grabs a discarded blaster from a fallen droid. The barrel of the blaster is pressed between Raiden's eyes.

Eye bulging and nostrils flaring, Raiden fights through the pain he's being subjected to. Before he breaks, he'll break his foe first.

Grabbing at one of the four arms, Raiden twists and the armoured limb twists and breaks in his arm like a paperclip.

Though Grievous feels no pain in his purely mechanical limbs but is shocked nonetheless by Raiden's strength.

Letting go of the mechanical limb, Raiden's hand shoots up and grabs Grievous by the face; driving his thumb violently into the General's eye. A strange ululation of pain reverberates through Grievous's organic lungs and synthetic vocal cords.

Raiden's thumb has broken through the protective transparent plate over the General's eyes, driving shards of transparent metal into the warrior's eye.

"No," Raiden gasps. "I'm going to break you."

Grievous's remaining eye widens as he hears the sound of the Gun de Sol powering up right before Raiden dumps the entire battery of the weapon into Grievous's chest.

General Grievous throws himself off of Raiden, dropping his blaster as he does. In agony, General Grievous stumbles around like a drunk; the cause of his injury is clear.

The Gun de Sol burst his chest wide open; the two halves of his armoured chest are pulled back to clearly expose his delicate organ sac which holds his last organic parts. His black heart beats faster with agony and terror that he may well be ended.

Grievous sees Raiden get up, despite his own guts hanging out and grab the working half of his sword. Just then, Grievous is hit by a most untimely coughing fit. Ordinarily such a fit would have the general feel like his breathing tubes were cut, but now his lungs are on fire and his vision is getting dim.

Through the oxygen deprivation from his damaged lungs, he gains awareness that Raiden has cut off one of his four arms.

Raiden raises his blade for a strike to the heart.

Suddenly, Grievous lurches forward and with one of his three fingered claws punches right through Raiden's mechanical heart.

The General can breathe easier now and he laughs as the oxygen returns to him—but his jubilation is short lived.

Raiden is dying, but he's not dead. Even with a fist through his heart, he still won't roll over and die.

Panicking, Grievous tries to pull his arm from Raiden's chest but it's stuck.

Coldly and knowing it's his last act, Raiden pulls back his fist and punches Grievous right tin the face. His fist collides with such force that the General's one remaining eye is temporarily knocked out of focus.

Raiden winds up again and punches Grievous once more, leaving some knuckle marks on Grievous's skull like face.

He winds up again, this time faster and punches his enemy in the face harder. He winds up and punches more ferociously and quicker. He punches and punches until his fist is a blur and it's hitting Grievous in the face like a jackhammer.

Under the onslaught of blows, Grievous's faceplate buckles and dents even though it's built so that the General could set off a landmine with his face and not get more than a scratch.

As Raiden pounds Grievous's stupid face, organic blood starts to pour from the cracks in the metal.

Finally, Raiden lets out a wordless cry full of rage, bitterness and regret. One last punch sends General Grievous flying into a wall. On the ground, Grievous's face plate lands on the ground like a broken mask.

Raiden takes a look into the sunlight and sees the chopper overhead. He can see Solid Snake screaming his name. Tears are streaking down the old veteran's face as he watches Raiden die down below.

Raiden's eyes don't close. He just sort of falls over, like a tree in a forest; and except for a handful of people, nobody is ever going to know or care that he fell.

General Grievous shrieks out in true fear for the first time in how long. Desperately, he covers his face with his two functional hands. One eye has gone dark and the other has turned black from ruptured blood vessels He hasn't felt this helpless and naked since . . . since his name was Qymaen jai Sheelal, a Kaleesh general who despite his tactical prowess couldn't stop the rape of his planet during the war with the insectile Huks.

Now, stripped of his trophies and magnificent adornment, he's just like the B&B corps; a hard outer shell protected by something more vulnerable than an egg, and now the shell has cracked.

Lurking like an eel, Grievous flees as quietly as he can, but not before Snake spots him from above and promises revenge. If Snake has his way, he'll hunt Grievous like the mad dog he is across the cosmos. He'll be lucky if the Jedi get him first.

Otacon pilots the chopper to safety—the mood is anything but jubilant.

**

* * *

**

Grievous Wins!

Kill Count:

Grievous: 570 kills

Lightsabre-270 kills

Grievance Striker-87 kills

E-5 Blaster Rifle-100

Magna Staff-113 kills

Raiden: 430 kills

High Frequency Sword-136 kills

Five-seveN-40 kills

FGM-148 Javelin-130

Gun de Sol-124

Geoff appears before the camera. "I'll be honest, this fight was a real nail biter, but in the end the results came through."

Max shows up next. "In this match, the Gun de Sol was highly effective. Despite its non-lethal aspect, its ability to disarm an opponent and disable their weapons weighted heavily in Raiden's favour. However the killing power of the lightsabre tipped the scales into Grievous's favour."

The scene briefly shows Cad Bane. He's kicking and screaming as British police officers handcuff him and toss him into the paddy wagon where he'll become a temporary guest of her Majesty's prison system before being shipped off to the nearest Republic prison moon.

Armand appears before the camera. "One thing that counted against Raiden was the fact that General Grievous was so heavily armoured. Very few of his weapons could break through that barrier. In the end, Grievous was the better killing machine."

Geoff then says to the camera. "Let's see what our experts have to say."

From the looks of things, Raiden has shown up and he's holding hands with Vamp. The two of them are getting married right here in the fight club—in Jewish tradition no less. Evidently Vamp is one of the Hebrew race.

As Raiden and Vamp smile and hold hands, Count Dooku has the honour of performing the Jewish wedding ritual, although it's a bit unorthodox.

Geoff, Armand and Max all stare wide eyed with stupefy as Solid Snake walks up to them, drinking the last of the coffee.

"_Barukh atah hashem _

_Eloheinu melekh ha__olam_" Count Dooku chants as he reads off of the Talmud.

For a moment, Vamp and Raiden are standing awfully close together and it looks like they're about to indulge in pre-marital sin when Count Dooku stops them.

"None of that please," the Count admonishes. "You may only kiss after the ceremony. There will be plenty of time to shake the earth during the honeymoon."

Geoff is almost at a loss for words. "What the hell is happening?"

"Fuck if I know," Snake responds. "But I gotta lie down; those pills for my back pain are hitting me like a truck."

* * *

And that's it for another exciting episode of Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior :) I sincerely hope that you've enjoyed the matchup and if you didn't guess the winner correctly then I'll give you a hug.

As for Vamp and Raiden getting married, the fighting they did had some pretty homoerotic moments, so it's not totally unprecedented. Plus don't you just love the idea of Count Dooku chanting in Hebrew? Dooku has such a sexy voice.

Next matchup will be a fan request. Following that, I'm going to take a pretty big risk and do my most controversial match ever. During that match, I will pit together two real life people in a duel to the death. I plan to avoid the pesky "no real persons" bit by fictionalizing both men's backgrounds sufficiently and there is an article in US law that allows for the use of real life characters in stories so I'll see what I can do about that.

I won't say who the two real life men will be but one of them is a religious leader and another is a famous British author. Points to anybody who can guess who the fighters will be.

Have fun and god bless. :D

Ta

Master of the Boot


	10. Lynch vs Revy

Deadliest Warrior: Lynch vs. Revy

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, Black Lagoon or Kane and Lynch.

Author's note: Hey folks, did you hear? It's confirmed that on _Deadliest Warrior_ they're going to do a Zombie vs. Vampire episode this season. I vote for vampires because they're the thinking enemies of this little game. So what do you think?

Enjoy the show :D

* * *

Announcer: _James Lynch_

The camera shows a middle aged man with receding, shoulder length hair. He's wearing aviator sunglasses and holding a gun to the head of a bound and gagged girl.

_In two thousand and nine, he and his partner Adam "Kane" Marcus led a two man crime spree and waged a war against decency, morality and the law. _

The camera shows Kane and Lynch engaged in an epic gun battle with a SWAT team. Bodies and brass casings are everywhere.

Announce: _Rebecca "Revy" change_

Depicts a brunette women with two handguns, a sexy outfit and a psychotic gleam in here eye as she stands behind a stack of perforated corpses.

_The main muscle behind the Black Lagoon Mercenary company. Her ambidextrous, eagle eye marksmanship and sadistic nature have secured her a place as one of the most feared gun fighters in Roanapur's seedy underworld. _

Remy charges recklessly into a firefight, shooting a man in the balls and laughing because of it.

Announcer: _Two psychos who carved a bloody path of destruction and mayhem to make criminal history. _

Lynch and Revy appear with guns blazing behind an exploding backdrop as they charge at each other screaming.

_Announcer: But which of these two homicidal maniacs, which of them would prevail in a fight. _

_Here at our LA based fight club, we've brought together doctors, scientists and military specialists. _

The camera shows a Geoff Desmoulins, black belt, former soldier and biomedical expert. "This is a criminal on criminal match; meaning that these are two down and desperate people who will literally do anything to get what they want. It'll be my job to see the effectiveness of the weapons they bring to this."

Announcer: _Fight doctor Armand Dorian will have the task of judging the severity of the injuries inflicted. _

Armand stands before a rack of deadly looking guns. "As a former ER doctor I've seen more than my fair share of gunshot and knife wounds. Frequently I'd be required to treat criminals who'd leave the hospital the moment they were stabilized. I believe that makes me uniquely qualified for this match here."

_Computer expert Max Geiger will crunch the data on his high tech computer program. _

"This is going to be a five on five squad battle," Max explains. "Just in case one lucky bomb or bullet gets a kill. This way we can measure the skill of our respective warriors."

_Who would win in a fight between a mercenary_

Revy rides in a speed boat and fires a RPG at a cruise ship they intend to take hostage

_And a bank robber_

Lynch blows off the head of one of the hostages during a shootout with the police, just because he can.

_In a fight with a medicated psychopath_

Lynch eyes evilly the last pill in his pill bottle as the cops overrun everything

_Versus a woman with no fear_

Revy is in a seedy bar and a dozen men have guns pointed at her. Undaunted, she head-butts a man and takes his gun.

Announcer: _These and four outside experts will join forces to evaluate the lethality of two of modern time's most notorious criminals. It's a duel to the death to decide . . ._

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

The fight club is in a frenzy of activity as everybody works overtime to get things back on schedule.

The camera pans in on a heavily scarred man as he pounds on a punching bag with a set of brass knuckles.

Announcer: _Representing Lynch is his partner, Adam "Kane" Marcus._

Kane is a bitten, worn veteran of a hundred gun and knife fights as well as a survivor of torture. Dressed in a nice but inconspicuous suit, his mean, abused face would give even the most hard-core psychos reason to stop and think.

"The reason I think Lynch is the deadliest warrior is because I've personally fought with him. He's a medicated psychopath with a tenuous grasp on reality, no sense of responsibility for his actions and enough talent with a gun to shoot a man in the head from a thousand yards away."

Kane sniffs in disgust, as if he's not proud to have worked with and known Lynch. "This Revy woman will be no problem."

Announcer: _Leading team Revy is the leader and founder of the Black Lagoon mercenary company, a man who only identifies as Dutch_

Dutch is a middle aged but very fit African-American man wearing sunglasses and a flak jacket. From his swagger, he's confident without being cocky and is intelligent to boot.

"I'm not kidding when I say that Revy is one of the most feared killers in Ronoapur. It's a hard world she lives in and she's all the harder. She's still notorious back in her home town of Chicago." Dutch pauses to adjust his sunglasses.

"I seriously doubt that a slightly fat middle aged guy in need of a haircut is going to be able to kill Revy, even with the help of four other guys."

Announcer: _Also assisting team Revy is Japanese salaryman Rokuro "Rock" Okajima. And for Team Lynch we have returning Mafia historian and descendant, Thomas Bonanno who is a personal friend of Lynch. _

"Revy is the best fighter I know," says Rock, trying to sound tough but failing miserably despite his time in one of the most lawless places on earth. "I just know that she's going to win."

Thomas Bonanno is a kindly looking old man in glasses who's holding up a baseball bat like he knows how to use it. He is sceptical of how tough Revy is. "Two weeks ago, I rented _The Matrix_ from Blockbusters. Then before the videos were due back, they called me to tell me I had late fees." A ghost of a smile graces the old man's face. "So I called Lynch and together we burned down the Blockbusters along with all the employees; _The Matrix_ has never looked better."

It's time for the hosts to give their customary predictions.

"I'm going to give it to Revy on this one," says Geoff. "Not many people have the skill to survive, let along gain the respect of infamous crime bosses like Bai Ji-Shin Chang and Balalaika. For that alone I give the edge to her."

Armand appears next. "I'm going to be giving my vote to Lynch on this one. He may be a little past his prime, but he did fight and kill several gangsters under the employ of Hsing while naked and covered in multiple lacerations from torture. Anybody who can do that nude and badly bleeding has got to have some fight in them; edge, Lynch."

Max appears before his computer. "I'm going to reserve judgement until I've seen the weapons. Both of these fighters seems equally tough to me; my guess is that the hardware they bring will be what makes the difference."

Stats

Lynch:

Age-43

Weight-187 lbs.

Height-5'10''

Weapons- Colt M4A1, Desert Eagle Handgun, bowling ball, Colt M4A1

Felonies: homicide, armed robbery, bank robbery, smuggling, racketeering, grand theft

Revy:

Age-27

Weight-138 lbs.

Height-5'6''

Weapons-double Beretta 92F custom, mini Uzi, Type 56 Assault Rifle, circular saw

Felonies: homicide, piracy, armed robbery, drug smuggling and possession

Announcer: _First in the medium range weapons line is the Benelli Super 90_

Everyone is standing before the desert firing range where the crew typically test firearms. Kane stands before everybody with a stylish looking shotgun clenched in one hand. Off to the side, Rock and Dutch stand and look at Kane with critical eyes. Meanwhile, Thomas Bonanno sips on a cool bottled drink to keep chill in the blazing sun.

"This here is the Benelli M1 Super 90 shotgun," Kane explains. "It holds seven rounds in the magazine plus one additional shell in the chamber."

The camera zooms in as Kane shows us the side of the gun. Pulling back a knob, he opens up the firing chamber for all to see. "Unlike many shotguns it has a special slide feature around the firing chamber in case you want to pop in another shell or just a specialty round."

He hefts the gun into shooting position and continues with his educational spiel. "It has ghost ring sights and as far as shotguns go it's fairly accurate even at twenty feet."

"Bullshit," calls Rock. "Our weapon is much better than that."

"Shut up, ya little yellow bastard," Wheezes Thomas. His "yellow" statement will probably cause a lawsuit for the network."

Geoff and the crew nod at Kane and his weapon. "Okay Kane," says Geoff. "We need you to put your money where your mouth is and show us what that gun can do."

In front of everybody is a gel torso dummy on a metal stand; one more sacrifice in the name of entertainment and education.

The countdown is given and Kane gets to go nuts with the shotgun. From twenty feet away, he fires a blast that decapitates the dummy. Everything above the lower jaw just explodes into a mash.

A second shotgun blast punches a softball sized hole right over the heart and turns the heart into shapeless masses of meat.

Kane doesn't stop until he's completely empties seven shells into the dummy. When the dust has cleared the dummy looks more like a shapeless mass of gelatine and fake organs.

Chatting happily, the guys walk over to examine the wreckage.

Armand begins to examine after putting on his gloves. "Well, it's almost completely destroyed; the organs are unrecognizable." He begins to examine the wounds in depth. "This gun gets really good grouping. The buckshot is so clustered together."

Kane nods and explains. "Well, when you fire a shotgun you won't hit a whole wall of a house. With a gun like this, the choke on the barrel concentrates the buckshot. In a way, it's a lot like firing a rifle."

To the side, Dutch laughs humourlessly. "A shotgun is not a rifle; an idiot could tell you that."

Rock laughs but he knows next to nothing about guns. He's the negotiator of the mercenary company, not a soldier.

Thomas Bonanno snipes at the Black Lagoon crew. "Oh you think?" At this, he takes the gun from Kane and points it casually at Rock, causing the man to panic and try to jump out of the way. "Nice of you to say so."

Luckily for Rock, the gun Thomas is holding is empty.

Before things can get any uglier they move onto the next test.

Dutch is shown holding up what looks like the Uzi's baby brother. "This is the mini Uzi; Revy likes to use these for assassination missions in crowded streets."

_Shows a cut scene of a man in a busted up car in Ronoapur's busy streets. The last thing he sees as he turns to his right is Revy's grinning face as she unloads the mini Uzi into him, splattering blood everywhere. _

Dutch elaborates, "This thing has a firing rate of around 950 bullets per minute due to it having a shorter bolt than a regular Uzi and it's lightweight and easy to conceal; perfect for our line of work."

"You call that a gun?" scoffs Thomas Bonanno. "I gave one of those to my niece for her birthday."

Dutch isn't put off by the old man. "This gun is a killer, old man. Revy made the afterlife a lot more crowded with this weapon."

Announcer: _For this test, a drive by shooting has been simulated_.

Inside a car there are two gelatine dummies designed to replicate human flesh and bone. The job of the shooter will be to take out those two targets.

_Unfortunately the motorcycle broke down so we had to borrow Geoff's daughter's bike_.

Dutch and Rock are riding a bike. It's a pink bike with streamers and a basket. Dutch is sitting in the basket with the mini-Uzi while Rock peddles. Rock grunts and struggles to propel forward both himself and the much heavier African American man. While they're moving, they're not going particularly fast.

The guys watch with baited breath as the bicycle approaches the kill zone. Kane and Thomas watch with poker faces as their opponents reach their destination; over their lives, both men have learned never to underestimate an enemy.

Suddenly, Dutch raises the gun he has and fires directly into the cab of the car. The girly bike is moving slowly enough to be effective. The gun makes a brutal _buzz_ instead of the typical _rat-tat-tat_ associated with machine guns. The buzzing spray of bullets rips into the bodies and throws broken glass everywhere.

Rock barely has time to pedal past the destroyed bodies inside the car before Dutch has completely emptied the clip. Then ringing the girly little bell on the bike to signal that the test is over, Rock exhaustedly pedals Dutch to some off camera location which is too far away in Rock's point of view.

Back at the fight club, the experts analyze the data. They go over video footage of Kane shooting the dummy and Dutch shooting the car up.

Geoff looks his comrades. "So what do you think guys?"

Max speaks up. "If these were short range weapons I'd give it to the mini-Uzi but since we're testing medium range weapons I'd give to the shotgun."

Geoff agrees with his buddy. "Yeah, the Benelli shotgun has surprising accuracy for a scattergun. Armand, what's your prognosis?"

The good doctor then offers his view. "Well the mini-Uzi is deadly, thirty bullets to the chest is nothing to sneeze at; but I give it to the shotgun purely on the basis at twenty feet away it took off somebody's head. That alone is one of the worst kind of injuries a human being can sustain."

Goff nods. "So we all agree then?"

Edge: _The Benelli_

Announcer: _Answering to their defeat in the medium range weapons, Team Revy goes forth with a pair of short range pistols custom made to deal death at high speed. _

The camera shifts to show a pair of sleek, shiny looking automatic handguns with a skull and crossed swords engraved on the handles of either gun. Written on the side of each weapon are the words "9mm sword cutlass."

Dutch stands in the outdoor firing range with both guns. "These are Revy's pride and joy. When she has a choice, she uses these to end lives and she uses them like an artist."

Geoff looks at Dutch and then at the two pistols in his hands. "So Dutch, what can you tell me about these guns? What makes them different from the standard issue?"

Dutch is more than happy to answer that question. "Sure can, Geoff; these guns are stainless steel. The barrels have been extended from four point nine inches to five point nine."

Appreciative of these fine guns, Dutch takes the two weapons and begins to pose as if aiming at invisible targets. He looks rather impressive; like he's ready to take care of business. "In addition to that, these weapons are specially fitted for silencers." He offers a brief smile. "Though I don't know why she did that; Revy is rarely if ever stealthy."

Thomas Bonanno is hardly impressed. "Well, our is bigger," he brags as he holds up a massive Desert Eagle handgun.

Dutch smirks at the old man from behind his sunglasses. "Deadly things come in small packages, old man."

Thomas shoots right back. "Is that what you think or is that what your wife says?"

Dutch is temporarily shocked by Thomas's insult, but merely shrugs his shoulder and makes a remark under his breath about old men with limp dicks.

"What he say?" Thomas snarls. Kane has to calm the old man down.

Announcer: _As a special treat, this test will take place inside a department store after closing hours. _

Dutch stands in side a darkened grocery store. The lights are dim and he's surrounded by vegetables, bread and cream cheese; it's easily one of the scariest environments he's ever been in. In a microphone in his ear, Geoff and the guys give him the countdown.

On the screen, numbers appear in red.

_3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!_

Immediately, Dutch draws his handguns and starts to sprint. As he runs, a foam dummy springs up from behind the day old bread rack with a fake gun in its hand.

With lightning reflexes, Dutch unleashes a barrage and fires six bullets into the dummies' chest.

Not stopping, he continues to run only to encounter two more dummies that roll out on remote controlled platforms. These dummies are also built to hold fake guns. Dutch fires both guns at the dummies. Some of his bullets go wide and hit either the wall or penetrate through the bread rack and hit several jam jars in the next aisle. Sweet, delicious preserve splatters all over the floor in several flavours.

Dutch continues to run but when he reaches the egg aisle, the frozen shelves open up and automatic launchers begin to fire eggs at the leader of the mercenary company. Throwing himself to the floor to avoid unnecessary egging, Dutch lands hard on the linoleum.

He empties the pistols at the eggs, splattering yoke everywhere but not destroying the egg launchers which have now moves to track his position.

Dutch rolls to avoid deadly egg fire and only manages to reload one gun. He fires a full clip at the egg launcher, which destroys the launcher as well as shoot to the side and take out a bunch of egg cartons.

Reloading his remaining gun, Dutch takes off; careful not to slip on the egg covered floor. As he runs through the store he's ambushed several times by dummies on motorized stands as well as other horrors. He runs past the butcher counter and he narrowly misses getting hit by a rocket propelled pig carcass.

After leaving behind a trail or brass casings, shattered eggs, spilled milk and sugar; Dutch finally reaches the exit. He's tempted to pick up speed but knows that at the end of the tunnel that light isn't heaven; it's muzzle flare from the gun that killed you.

Sure enough there is a trap. Out from behind a cardboard sales thing comes a giant robot with claws that crackle with electricity. "_Mission objectives,_" the robot bellows. "_Destroy the Robinson family, destroy Jupiter 2. Destroy Will Robinson._" A giant blast of electricity narrowly misses frying Dutch.

Rather than shoot at the heavily armoured front of the robot, Dutch runs around the clunking mechanical beast and fires into the lightly armoured rear. The robot sputters and dies as Dutch empties the clips. He goes out the entrance and blood red words fade onto the screen

_Victory_

Outside the department store, the moon is high in the sky and the cast and hosts are comfortable inside of the _Deadliest Warrior _RV. Everybody in the recreational vehicle is crowded around the big screen TV as the interior cameras capture every minute of Dutch fighting away inside the department store.

At one of the tables in the RV, Geoff has poured a bowl of chips and Thomas and Kane are crunching chips noisily. Rock tries to get some potato chips but Thomas keeps on smacking his hand away.

Meanwhile Max is sitting on an ottoman while Max and Geoff stand up to have a better look; each man has a beer in his hand.

"That's some impressive shooting," comments Armand.

"Yeah," Max notes. "But he's got a lot of missed shots."

"No doubt from using two guns at once," Geoff realizes.

Seeing this, Thomas stands up and brushes the potato chip crumbs from his shirt. "Well," the old man says. "I won't have that problem." He holds up his honking big handgun.

"This is the MK VII Desert Eagle .44 Magnum. I got this thing for a really good price, so that's a start."

Everybody nods in agreement.

"The clip holds eight rounds and the gun itself is made in Israel."

"That thing must weigh a ton," Rock comments at the huge metal monstrosity in Thomas's hands.

"Let the man speak," says Kane.

Thomas Bonanno continues. "It's a gas operated pistol; gas from the shell is funnelled under the barrel and out the front and that's what drives the slide and action."

"It's got an eight inch barrel and whatever I point it at is dead."

Max has seen a lot of Desert Eagle handgun in video games, this will be the first time he sees it in real life. "So you think you can beat Revy's gun."

"Absolutely," answers the old man.

Announcer: _To keep the results fair, Thomas will do his test in a different part of the department store._

Thomas starts his test inside the electronics section of the store. The dim light makes all the DVD and Blue Ray titles look creepy and evil. The trademark blood coloured words flash onto the screen like the warning title of a video game.

_3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . Go!_

Thomas starts off, pulling his Desert Eagle from the holster and holding it in two hands. Unlike Dutch, Thomas carefully shuffles forward with his gun elevated. He has the wary manner characteristic of men who are deadly but in old age.

Suddenly, a DVD springs forward on a spring loaded arm in front of Thomas. It takes less than a second for the Italian American man to put a large calibre bullet right through the apple on the cover of the _Twilight_ movie.

A few steps forward and another DVD pops out at Thomas, _Finding Nemo_; Thomas doesn't hesitate as he puts a bullet right through Nemo's smiling face.

Thomas continues, head constantly on a swivel for danger in the darkened department store. As he exits the electronics section, two DVD players light up and eject DVD's at Thomas rapid fire.

The old man ducks for cover behind a shelf, just barely missing the flying DVD's. Blind firing from cover, Thomas fires several rounds before he manages to destroy the two killer DVD players. The large calibre bullets he fired destroyed a high end digital camera, an IPhone and went right through those things to destroy other expensive items in the department store.

Checking to see that the coast is clear, Thomas reloads and puts an extra bullet into the chamber.

Roadie running through the aisles, Thomas coolly and precisely fires heavy rounds at the dummies which pop out from behind the clothes racks; each one carrying a fake gun. The back of one dummy's head is blown out by Thomas's eagle eye shots while another leaks fake blood where the bullet hit the "heart."

As he moves stealthily through the department store he knocks over clothes hangers and with stray gunfire takes out some pairs of shoes as the bullets over penetrate the enemy dummies.

Finally, Thomas is almost at the exit. He pops in a fresh clip and gets ready to leave when suddenly a trap door opens up and he falls in.

Thomas only has a second to realize that he's sharing this pit with a hungry zombie. The howling undead tries to grab Thomas's leg but he kicks the beast with his other foot.

In the fall he dropped his gun and must reach it to survive. The zombie has grabbed him again, but once more Thomas kicks it off of him.

At last, Thomas lunges forward and grabs the heavy desert eagle. He lifts up the gun as the zombie shambles towards him and—click!

A misfire.

Stunned only for a moment, Thomas Bonanno takes his gun and pistol whips the zombie as it tries to eat him. The blow knocks out the zombie's front teeth at the gum line. A second blow to the head, forcing the zombie to its knees.

The zombie groans as if it's confused. Then cool as a cucumber, Thomas grabs the zombie around the neck and under the jaw; and puts his gun to the creature's head and pulls the trigger.

The explosion blows the zombie's head into a molecular mist that stains the camera red.

The zombie blood and brain forms words across the screen.

_Victory_

Back at the fight club, the guys discuss what they saw.

"So what did we learn?" Geoff asks.

"We learned that shooting up a major department store with guns and unleashing robots and zombies onto it costs a lot of money from _Spike TV_'s pocket and we're lucky we didn't get cancelled," deadpans Armand.

"Besides that," says Geoff.

"Well, while the Desert Eagle was more accurate than the Beretta, it did have a problem with misfires in the zombie pit. It's also a very heavy weapon that can tire out its user on the battle field." Max supplies.

"Plus, while dual wielding is less accurate the shooter compensates for volume of shots fired," Armand notes.

"So Revy takes this then?" Geoff raises an eyebrow.

Edge: Beretta 92F custom

Announcer: _With things well under way, the team is working harder than ever to uncover the truth._

Kane stands before the camera. "Revy is sadistic and uncaring about human life; she hurts people and she likes it. In the criminal community, that's the norm and not the exception."

The scarred man is deadly serious. "Forget what you've seen on _Ocean's Eleventh_; there's nothing cavalier or fun about crime. We're desperate men, who do it only for money; who care _only_ about money."

"In a match like this, it's psycho versus psycho; and by far Lynch is the more deadly psycho."

Rock then appears before the camera. "Revy is going to win this match; she is the deadliest warrior. There's nobody tougher than her and nobody faster; she's one of the most deadly people in South East Asia." The Japanese salaryman winks charmingly at the camera. "Revy, if you're out there. I know you'll rape them."

Thomas appears before the camera with a baseball bat in his hand. "You don't mess with a man with a balding mullet; you just don't."

Next Dutch appears with his arms folded across his fit chest. "Revy is a real pain in the ass. When she's not wildly killing people she rings your doorbell and runs and leaves a flaming bag of dog shit on your doorstep."

Dutch signs. "Just having to fight Revy over who pays the library overdue fees is worth two world wars."

Announcer: _Back at the firing range, it's time to test out long range weapons; two deadly automatic weapons which leave nothing in their wake but carnage. _

The camera shows an image of Revy painting the walls of a room red with an AK-47. In a second clip, Lynch grapples with an armed mercenary, taking the man's gun and unloading the clip into his face.

Announcer: _The Colt M4A1, firing 5.56x45mm NATO ammunition; the M4 carbine is a gas powered, air cooled magazine fed fire arm with a multi position telescopic stock. _

Kane stands in the outdoor shooting range. Behind him is a blue looking lake, the only naturally occurring water for miles on end.

He holds up his gun like a less handsome version of Charlton Hesston as he delivers his speech. "This is the M4 carbine. It's used by a large number of countries so it's not that difficult to acquire."

He pauses and holds the gun in work position, staring down the telescopic sights. "On full auto fire this thing can put out nine hundred and fifty bullets per minute and is fed by a thirty round box magazine."

Dutch voices a concern. "I've used those guns before. They're not as accurate as a good M16."

"That's true," Kane concedes. "But the loss of accuracy due to the shorter barrel only comes at the three hundred yard mark; most firefights occur within one hundred yards."

"This is a long range test, buddy," jabs Rock verbally. "If you can't shoot farther than us you're in trouble."

Kane flashes something that could be called a smile but it just makes Rock break out in a fearful sweat. "Let's wait and see."

A long range shooting course has been set up. About two hundred and fifty yards away are a series of dummies and one pig carcass. Kane will have to be times as he shoots from a distance and will be penalized for missed bullets.

Kane stands at the ready with his gun. Geoff gives the countdown. "Alright Kane, you are on in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

At this, Kane peers down the scope with one gleaming eye and squeezes the trigger. The gun unleashes a three round burst that takes one dummy in the chest. Acting as if the dummies can shoot back at him, Kane pinpoints the furthest dummy and puts a three round burst right through its face; spraying fake blood everywhere.

Further than that is the pig, hanging from a hook and dressed comically like a pirate; since the Black Lagoon crew engage in piracy.

Kane is like a machine as he unloads bullets with a cool mechanical efficiency. At last there is just the pig.

Firing his last three round burst, Kane takes the pig and hits it in the heart. The dead pig dressed like Jack Sparrow jerks from the shot. Kane however isn't done yet.

Grabbing a spare clip from his back pocket, Kane slides it into place and flips to full auto. He unleashes a tell bullet spray of automatic fire that tosses brass everywhere.

In the distance, Piggy the Pirate jerks as the NATO issue bullets strike its flesh and perforate its bacon.

Pausing to adjust his aim, Kane unleashes another ten round burst. This time only a few of the bullets strike, most hitting the dirt behind the pig but a few still hit their target.

Before he can finish firing, Kane hears the sound of Max calling for everyone to run for cover.

Confused by this, Kane turns around and sees one of the strangest things he's ever seen.

Flying downwards and trailing steam like some kind of ballistic missile is a flying water heater and it's coming right at them.

"Shit!" yells Kane as he takes his machine gun and starts to run where he thinks the hot water heater isn't going to land.

The main cast and the guest experts just barely manage to run away before the hot water heater slams down on Max's table full of sensors and computers. The impact causes the hot water heater to blow up in a million pieces of metal and plastic; scattering the area with debris.

The table itself and Max's instruments are a total write-off. It's going to take Max weeks to even begin to find the pieces of his computers amidst all the wreckage.

As the dust clears, everybody stands up and looks around with stunned awe. Even Dutch gapes with open mouthed wonder.

Geoff and Armand are speechless. "Where the hell did that come from?" Max says.

_Meanwhile, fifteen miles away_

The Mythbusters are standing on an abandoned airfield after having launched their special flying water heater.

Jamie is ecstatic and even the stoic Adam has a smile partly hidden by his walrus moustache.

"That was epic," says Adam

Jamie is gushing like a child at Christmas. "That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I didn't even see where that landed."

Adam nods to his companion. "Lucky we put a GPS tracker on the heater so we can find it."

_Back with the Deadliest Warrior Guys_

Announcer: _Everything has been set up again after the mystery water heater. We've repeated the test for the M4 carbine and now we move onto the AK-47. _

"Gentlemen, I give you the Avtomat Kalashnikova-47; the best friend of terrorists, mercenaries and freedom fighters everywhere." Dutch speaks in soft reverent tones about the gun; as if he were a priest giving a sermon. His smooth voice is enough to send shivers of anticipation up nearly everyone's spine.

"This gun is reliable, rugged and most importantly it's easy to maintain and operate; anybody can become competent with it in a very short time."

The AK that Dutch is using is different from the one seen in the _Medellin Cartel vs. Somalian Pirates episode_. For one it seems to be made primarily from synthetics to reduce weight; which is a good thing since Revy isn't that heavy herself.

Thomas Bonanno peers at the weapon through is glasses. "I've seen those things before; they only fire six hundred rounds a minute."

Dutch is unfazed. "That's more than I need to get the job done, old man."

Thomas mutters something under his breath but it can't be heard.

At that moment, Rock tugs on Dutch's sleeve and looks up at his boss like a lost child. "Yes, Rock?" Dutch asks.

In a very lost and somewhat sweet sounding voice. "Dutch, you tested the last two. Can I get this one?"

Dutch speaks in a tone that sounds like a concerned father. "Rock, have you performed up to specs on the firearms training?"

Rock nods. "Yes, Dutch."

At that, Dutch ruffles Rock's hair and gives him the assault rifle. "Here you go Rock; make us proud."

At last Rock has the Ak-47 and is ready to fire.

Max has the sacred stopwatch and gives the countdown. "Rock, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BANZAI!"

Without any further encouragement, Rock opens fire with the AK like he was born to use it. It's impressive for one so new to the mercenary lifestyle.

Like Kane, his gun is also set to three round bursts. Gunshots hit the dummies in the chest but unlike Kane his bullets seem far more spread out.

In the back there is another pig, only this one is dressed up in a suit like the guys from _Pulp Fiction_. Rock doesn't wait to finish off Pulp Piggy. A three round burst blows off one of the pig's legs and another catches the pig in the throat.

At last, Rock runs dry and loads a new clip. He thrusts a new clip into the gun and begins to open fire again.

After a few shots, Rock is convinced that he's shot every target and switches into full auto mode. The gun's rate of fire is nowhere near as fast as the M4 but it spews out lead at an impressive rate none the less.

When the test is done, Geoff and the guys whoop with excitement and joy while Kane and Thomas merely shake their heads as if the test is already theirs.

Announcer: _In the test of the M4 carbine, Kane managed to provide seven kills. Let's see if Rock can do the same._

Armand and the guys are examining the dummies with the guest experts. Armand points to the first two dummies. "These guys are dead, bullet to the head and neck in both cases."

He checks the next dummy. "This is a stomach shot; it'll bleed and bleed but it's not an instant kill. This guy will probably be in extreme pain but he can still take you down with him."

They walk over to the pig. "This guy is dead," Armand says humourlessly.

Several more kills are confirmed until they reach the last dummy. There is a single bullet hole sticking out of the guy's side.

Armand inspects it. "Well, he's been shot but it's not immediately fatal. You managed to miss most major arteries and organs."

Rock curses in Japanese at this proclamation.

"Well, I think we know who won." Says Thomas.

Edge: Colt M4A1

Announcer: _With conventional weapons out of the way it's time to move onto special weapons. But first let's see what our hosts have to say. _

"I'm still with Revy here, but I'm kinda torn right now," says Geoff. "Revy is skilled but so far her weapons have been mostly less accurate than Lynch's weapons. That in itself may sway the course of the battle."

Armand appears. "Lynch has a form of psychosis; a condition which leads a person to lose touch with reality and in some cases can lead to more severe psychiatric problems."

"In Lynch's case, he's prone to blackouts and aggressive behaviour. During a mild psychotic episode he may become more reckless and have impaired insight. During an extreme psychotic episode he blacks out and kills everyone around him. His leading a life of crime and danger probably has probably made his condition worse."

Max appears. "I think that after seeing the evidence, I'm going with Revy on this one. An accurate gun is good, but if it jams it's all over. If it's inaccurate, you can always fire a second shot."

Announcer: _And now for a weapon that makes Lynch the terror of the lanes, the bowling ball!" _

Everybody stands around Kane as he holds up a big purple bowling ball.

Rock points at the bowling ball in disbelief. "That's not seriously your weapon, is it?"

Kane replies in the affirmative. "Indeed I am. While it may not look like it; Lynch has killed plenty of people with a bowling ball."

He pulls out a big TV on a rolling stand and plugs it in. As he turns on the TV, he tells them what he plans to show. "Last year, a security camera caught Lynch on tape while he killed several members of Team Fortress."

Everyone watches intently.

When the tape starts rolling, it shows a blurry, grainy image of a dirty and probably smelly hallway.

As the tape plays, the screen changes to show what's playing on the TV.

_A skinny Boston guy with a baseball bat, a soldier with his oversized helmet covering his eyes and a giant Russian with a Gatling gun all walk into one of the doors in the hallway. They seem to be arguing. _

_The kid from Boston talks very fast and it's hard to make out what he's saying but at the end of the sentence he shouts "BONK!" _

_The heavy just laughs at whatever the scout is saying while the soldier grumbles out something that includes the word "maggot" repeated several times. In every way he seems to be the stereotypical American soldier. _

_The men walk into the apartment and as the door shuts their muffled voices seem to talk about something called a "sandvich," or something like that. _

_As they argue inside the apartment, Lynch shows up carrying a bowling bag. Calmly and serenely, he has a grungy sort of Zen about him. _

_Easily, Lynch sets down the bowling bag and carefully pulls out the bowling ball. _

_Taking a few deep breaths to get his focus, Lynch winds up with the bowling ball and slams it as hard as he can into the door where the Team Fortress guys are hanging out. _

_The door caves in but doesn't quite fall. Giving the door a kick, the broken door falls to pieces and the Soldier, the Heavy and the Scout all shout in surprise. _

_Due to the angle of the security camera, we can't see what's happening inside, but we can hear. There is a deep voiced scream that comes from the heavy Russian man; he seems to be in pain. _

_There is a loud crunch of bone and the soldier mocks. "You call that crushing my skull, maggot? Why you wouldn't know how to—_

_The soldier is suddenly cut off as Lynch makes a noise that sounds like a skull being crushed. _

_Next the scout cries out in pain. "Oh god! Oh god! He broke my spine!" _

_The video feed suddenly fast forwards exactly sixty seconds ahead. _

_When the video stops fast forwarding, all is quiet and calm. In a very relaxed manner, Lynch steps out of the apartment wiping off his bowling ball with a bloody rag. _

_Dismissively, he throws the rag back into the apartment and walks off with his bowling ball in the bag; probably going to do some bowling later. _

Dutch immediately scoffs. "That's easy to do. The Demo Man wasn't even there. If he was, things would have gone differently."

"It's the same difference," says Kane, "they're still dead."

Rock just smiles, "But our toy is prettier." He lovingly holds up a circular saw.

Before Rock there is a dummy made of ballistics gel designed to simulate human flesh. For this experiment, rock is wearing an apron and a plastic face shield. The saw is in his hands and the salaryman is looking eager to use it; hanging out with Revy is really bringing out his dark side.

To prepare things, Geoff straps motion sensors to Rock's wrists and to the saw itself. A quick bit of movement shows that the sensors are in perfect working order.

Geoff and the crew stand well back and are wearing safety goggles to avoid flying pieces of meat and bone to the eye. Geoff holds up a yellow stopwatch. "Rock, you attack in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Laughing maniacally, Rock squeezes the trigger on the power saw and starts to walk forward. His eyes are rolling in his skull and a vein is throbbing in his temple; it's quite possible that before he became a member of the Black Lagoon Mercenary company he was in fact a serial killer.

Suddenly the saw stops without warning and everybody is let down, including Rock.

Kane just shakes his head as he sees the source of the problem. Rock's saw is electric and runs on power from electrical sockets. He walked too far and pulled the plug out.

Next to Kane, Thomas has dozed off and not even the shrieking circular saw woke him up. Gently, Kane gives the Mafia historian a poke.

Thomas wakes up blearily and asks, "Wha—what I miss?"

Announcer: _An embarrassing setback, but as soon as Geoff gets a longer extension cord, we're all set to go. _

Rock fires up the power saw and it seems to scream even louder; like some kind of diabolical baby.

Rock growls lustily as he swings the saw horizontally at the gel dummy. The blow messily cuts off the dummy's head and throws chunks of gelatine and fake blood everywhere.

He reorients the saw and drags it down the body, slicing open the rib case and cutting through the abdomen.

As he pulls away the saw, the intestines spill out all over Rock's feet but he doesn't even care.

Panting like an animal in heat, Rock slices off both the dummy's arms and for his finishing act, puts down the saw and manually pulls apart the rib cage like a rusty door.

This bit of violence has hit the spot and everybody is highly impressed; even Thomas and Kane have to admit that it was a pretty sweet display.

Everyone stands around the remains of the dummy. "There's nothing left of him except meat," says Armand. He examines the wounds. "These wounds here are ragged, not clean; meaning they're more painful and will bleed much more than straight cuts."

The scene cuts to the three hosts standing around and discussing the data.

Geoff goes first. "Well, the bowling ball was deadly in its own way."

Cut to images of Kane and Thomas throwing bowling balls at dummies like the one Rock mutilated. The bowling balls fly across a gap of twenty feet and hit either in the chest or face.

Armand speaks. "The bowling balls only killed when they hit the face. They broke skulls and ribs quite easily but like the ball and chain it's not easy to aim."

"Agreed," Max adds. "The only real weakness of the saw is that it's as clumsy as the bowling ball and it needs a power outlet."

After some talk, they reach a consensus.

Edge: _Circular Saw_

Announcer:_ With the tests complete it's time to upload the data and start the simulation. _

Max sits at his computer and hits the "enter" key. "Let's make it hot."

* * *

Simulation:

Lynch: 5

Revy: 5

_Ronoapur, midnight_

Hotel Moscow is a criminal organization of former Spetznaz soldiers who burned out and rejected after the Soviet-Afghan war turned to a life of crime and carved themselves a niche in Ronoaopur's scummy underworld; making a fortune off of drug and gun sales.

Tonight in their possession, their leader Balakail is away on business negotiating with other gang leaders in Ronoapur.

In the possession of Hotel Moscow is a political document belonging to a high ranking official of the CIA. Hotel Moscow plans to auction off that highly sensitive document to the highest bidder.

Down in the sewers, five specimens of human shit make their way towards Hotel Moscow. The men dress in white containment suits and breathing masks to ward off the smell. Their plan is to launch an assault on Hotel Moscow from below and make off with the documents while at the same time killing as many people as they can.

They've been paid by an outside party to get that document and they're offering bonuses for number of Russians killed.

It's the perfect kind of work for Seth James Lynch.

_Above ground_

Above in Ronoapur's twisted streets that have never even heard of civic planning, Rebecca "Revy" Change is hanging out of the side window of a speeding van. "Come on, you cunts!" she screams at the men inside the van with her. "You fucking waiting for Christmas!"

In the humid night, Revy is glistening with sweat and her skimpy outfit clings to her tight body like saran wrap. She's a sexy killer personified. He licks her lips as if to taste the chaos in the air.

She's gotten a message from Balaikal to secure the documents and they're already late because of tragic. Inside the van with her are four handpicked men; hard as nails and rough and tough. They'll help her guard the document if any cunt tries to steal it.

_Under ground_

Lynch and his crew of goons have finally reached a cleaner area of the sewer. The building that Hotel Moscow occupies is just above them.

Stripping off their white suits, the men diligently work to place plastic explosive on the ceiling above them.

The plan is simple and of Lynch's own making. They are to blow out the first floor of the hotel and work their way up. Their employers have given Lynch a possible location of the document.

It's an easy and simple plan which involves maximum carnage. Lynch reaches into his pocket to pull out his aviator glasses.

As everybody works, they hear footsteps that are not their own and like night predators, Lynch and his crew take to the shadows.

A lone Russian soldier, probably sent down here as punishment for some transgression, is on patrol. He doesn't get far as a giant, muscular Ukrainian named Sergei lunges from the shadows and grabs the Russian's throat in a death grip. He rips the gun from the man's hands and clamps a hand over his mouth.

While Sergei holds the lone guard still, Lynch runs up to the struggling man and sticks him in the neck with a piece of broken glass he found on the ground.

The guard gurgles as Lynch stabs him in the throat nine more times. Ignoring the dead Russian, Lynch and his men all check their guns and count their ammo.

It's time to get to work.

_Above ground_

Revy and her gang barely manage to reach the hotel before the entire first floor seems to explode like a powder keg. Fire shoots out of the windows and men scream briefly as they're torn apart by the blast.

Revy curses and smiles most maliciously. "Well fuck me inside and out," looks like she'll get a fight after all.

The inside of the hotel is in bedlam. Men are injured and men try to get up as the blast disoriented or deafened them.

Two Russian soldiers who are alright (mostly) are suddenly cut down by shotgun blasts from Lynch's men. The sight of dead men gets Lynch's blood racing even though he keeps the same passive expression.

The five crooks go around a corner and encounter a Russian soldier who breaths last as Lynch fires his M4 carbine into the man.

God, he fucking _loves_ the smell of burned powder.

Lynch and his men are methodical; they search room after room for survivors and kill them with shotgun and machinegun fire.

The former Spetznaz soldiers are tough and smart but they've been caught off guard and unlike Lynch and his men they didn't bring ear protection to shield them from the blast.

As they reach the second floor. Lynch uses his bowling ball to smash down a door. As the door comes down, they get under fire from the second in command here, Boris.

"Shit," Lynch curses and jumps back to cover as the Russian fires his Makarov pistol at them.

Boris goes up to fire again but a bullet from Lynch catches him in the shoulder and a shotgun blast from Sergei the Ukrainian gets him in the head.

Inside the office was a safe that Boris guarded with his life. Using sulphuric acid, Lynch and company burn open the lock and from within retrieve the document. Lynch allows himself a gasp of satisfaction. Quickly, he makes to leave with both his men and the document.

Lynch and company charge down the hall. Lynch leads the charge, hot brass flying and Russians going down. He's like a suicide raider, going in fast and dangerous; never giving his enemies a chance to fight back.

Suddenly as they reach the back door, four men and one woman charge in with guns blazing. Lynch jumps to the side but one of his men is too slow and takes a bullet from Revy's Beretta to the heart.

Lynch: 4

Revy: 5

Revy screams to her troops. "WASTE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS! KILL EVERY LAST ONE!"

Screaming and jumping from his hiding spot, Lynch tackles one of Revy's men and uses him as a meat shield. Putting a Desert Eagle to the man's head, Lynch screams at them. "GET THE FUCK BACK!"

To Lynch's surprise, Revy doesn't even pause before she uses her twin Berettas to kill the man that Lynch is holding hostage.

Lynch swears with surprise and jumps back to cover as the man falls to the floor dead. This bitch is hard core; no pussyfooting with her. F

Lynch: 4

Revy: 4

One of Revy's men fires a micro-Uzi at Lynch's retreating men. One man was caught in the back and fell. He groaned with pain and called for his companions but they were already gone down the debris filled, smoky hallways. Another spray with the micro-Uzi finished him off.

Lynch: 3

Revy: 4

Lynch and his men continue to run. On their way, Lynch runs into a Russian. Kneeing the man in the groin, Lynch puts a bullet into the men's head with the Desert Eagle. Suddenly, he has the crazy idea to stop and fight.

A normal criminal would think about the money but Lynch has forgotten to take his medicine tonight. Not a good thing for anyone, I imagine.

Revy and crew chase after the goons. To her surprise, they've taken up defensive position and are attacking. A shotgun blast hits the wall next to her and she gets sprayed with drywall and plywood.

Blinded by the dust, she drops to the ground, avoiding a shotgun blast aimed at her chest that kills the man behind her.

Lynch: 3

Revy: 3

From out of the smoke like a fairy-tale giant, big Sergei lunges and punches a man in the chest so hard that his heart stops. The man falls to the floor without a word.

Lynch: 3:

Revy: 2

Sergei raises his gun to shoot Revy but gunfire from an AK-47 takes him out.

Before Revy knows what's happening, somebody tackles her. It's a slightly fat, middle aged white guy with a balding mullet. The guy would look absolutely pitiful except for the steely, impassive expression on his face.

Lynch pistol whips Revy and sends her spinning but she rebounds and gives him a kick in the stomach that knocks him back.

Seizing the window, she lunges at Lynch but it's obvious that he's no rookie.

Lynch punches Revy in the side of the face and jumps on top of her.

While their remaining henchmen are fighting, Revy screams as Lynch tries to bit out her throat. Instead, he just bites the base of her neck and misses the artery. It's still agonizingly painful when he pulls back and rips off a chunk of flesh.

Behind Lynch, another one of his men has been killed.

Lynch: 2

Revy: 2

Suddenly, Lynch turns around, steps off of the bleeding Revy and blows away the last two men with his machine gun.

Lynch: 1

Revy: 1

Dropping the clip and loading in a fresh one, Lynch feels no remorse for the two men he's killed. Sure, one of them was one of his men but look on the bright side—this way Lynch will take a bigger cut of the money.

Unfortunately he doesn't have time to envision this cut of the money when Revy tackles him from behind.

Hard blows from behind tell Lynch that if he survives he'll be pissing blood for the next week or two.

Throwing back his head, he hits Revy in the mouth and cuts the skin under his hair.

Dazed, Lynch just manages to hear the sound of a circular saw before he feels it cut into him.

With laugher in her throat and a gleam in her eye enough to frighten the Joker, Revy takes a circular saw left over from some home renovations and uses it to slice off Lynch's right leg.

Lynch screams in agony as his severed limp spasms once and stops moving. Great gouts of blood come on in arterial spurts and the sight of blood just makes Revy horny.

To add insult to injury, Revy stomps on Lynch's crotch as he screams and tries to take off his belt. Truthfully he hardly notices his crushed testicles before his bleeding stump.

"How do you like that, faggot!" Revy screams and raises the saw to cut off Lynch's head.

Lynch however has got steel in him; it's buried in greed, evil and weakness but the steel is there.

With a face full of pain and fury and pale from blood loss, Lynch raises his pistol and shoots the saw out of Revy's hands.

Shocked, Revy slips and falls over all the blood that Lynch is losing. Before she can do anything, Lynch hits her as hard as he can on the side of the head with the heavy handgun he's got.

Despite his bleeding, Lynch pistol whips the downed woman several more times, screaming incoherently with fury.

Acting fast, Lynch takes off his belt and uses it as a tourniquet. It doesn't stop the blood flow completely but now Lynch is no longer in immediate risk of dying.

Groaning and growling, Lynch gets up on one leg and does his best to hop away. His sole consolation is that now the four million dollar prize for that document is now his; nobody to share it with.

Wait, the document!

Lynch pats his pockets. The fucking document isn't on him. He managed to pretty much single handedly wipe out Hotel Moscow and kill Bailikal's best men—but where the fucking document.

The building is collapsing now as more of it catches on fire. Soon the whole place will be up in flames. In Ronoapur, every building is a fire trap; very few exceptions.

Missing a leg and pale, Lynch slowly turns around, using the wall to support himself.

There is Revy; in one bloody hand of hers she's got the document, in the other she's got one of her Berettas.

Part of Revy's head is caved in from where Lynch pistol whipped her. She's bleeding from the skull and will probably have permanent brain damage.

But the way she raises her gun at Lynch and aims with it; she can still tell friend from foe and she can still kill. For she doesn't kill with her hand, Rebecca "Revy" Change kills with her heart.

And in the final moment of his life, James Seth Lynch swears. "Fucking bitch," he says hoarsely.

BANG! The bullet goes through Lynch's heart and it is done.

Revy drops her weapon but she clings onto the document like it's an old lover. Across her face spreads a blank smile. "Gotcha."

_**REVY WINS!**_

Stats:

Lynch-480 kills

Colt M4A1-176

Benelli Super 90 Shotgun-132 kills

Bowling Ball-25 kills

Desert Eagle handgun-87 kills

Revy-520 kills

AK-47-164 kills

Mini-Uzi-117 kills

Circular saw-118 kills

Beretta 92F custom-121 kills

Max appears before the camera. "Lynch's weapons tended to be more accurate than Revy, but their tendency to jam backfired on him. In a battle of inches, Lynch lost by less than that."

Geoff appears next. "It was a close fight, but the crazy woman takes the day. Don't underestimate the X chromosome."

Armand is last. "In this fight, Revy's eagle eye accuracy and skills won the day. Lynch is reckless and completely fearless but in a fight between two psychos, the one who's not insane will always win."

Kane and Thomas are slightly sulky but Kane doesn't seem that bothered by this. "Lynch is my partner, but given that he's a total psycho I'm kind of glad that he lost."

Thomas shakes his head. "Well, Lynch lost, but hell; what do these guys know?"

Rock is ecstatic and he's opening a bottle of champagne. "WOO! You did it, Revy!"

Dutch wears a party hat is cutting himself cake. But then he sees the camera and covers the screen with his hand. "No comment," he says curtly.

Meanwhile . . .

In Ronaoapur, Lynch and Revy never watched the episode because they were too busy fighting terminators. The grinning mechanical death bringers leer as Lynch and Revy blow them away with anti-tank weapons but more keep coming.

Lynch and Revy are yelling and screaming; it sounds like a parody of action movie passionate screaming.

In the background, Batman is arguing with Sam Fisher. Sam thinks they should stay the course while Batman thinks that if they stay the course they're all dead.

Suddenly, Lynch and Revy shoot each other by accident and both fall dead.

The voice of Metal Gear's Colonel Campbell can be heard.

_You've created a time paradox!_

* * *

Well, that was a real rush but it's time for me to take a nap :D I hope you enjoyed that folks, because next chapter you're in for a real treat.

British author and famous atheist Christopher Hitchens will fight Pope Benedict of our modern times to the death! It's a fight between the toast of the humanist movement and the shepherd in chief worldwide.

Benedict is a hard line conservative pope while Hitchens is a man who believes religion poisons everything. In real life, Hitchens has even called for the pope to be arrested. So let's watch them kill each other in fiction.

I'm not trying to bash Catholicism or peddle opinion. I'm just trying to tell a good story. If I do put in a moral into my next chapter it will be because of my own personal bias which I cannot help.

So, Hitchens or Benedict: place your bets now ladies and gents and never stop being so wonderful as you are ;)

Ta

Master of the Boot


	11. Hitchens vs The Pope

Deadliest Warrior: Christopher Hitchens vs. Pope Benedict

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, the Catholic Church or Christopher Hitchens. If religious controversy offends you then now is the time to turn back. I also do not own Naruto or Pawn Stars

The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that parodies involving famous people are perfectly and totally legal under the United States Constitution. The specific case law on this was decided in the case of "Hustler Magazine, Inc. et al. v. Jerry Falwell" in 1988. No harm is intended toward the celebrities featured in these stories, but they are public figures and in being so, they must accept that they are fair target for parodies by the public. We believe in the first amendment, and more broadly, in the basic principle of free speech and this section may push the boundaries of that principle, but the United States Supreme Court has approved of this type of material. We believe that the Supreme Court was correct in their decision.

* * *

Announcer: _Christopher Hitchens_

The screen shows a middle aged, fat British guy with blonde hair and a glass of scotch.

_By day he is a famous journalist, essay writer and literary critic who is also a champion of humanism and atheist causes. _

Hitchens suddenly rips off his clothes to reveal a pitch black ninja outfit and he throws down the glass of scotch to pull out a sword.

_By night he is a deadly ninja assassin of world renound_

Ninja Hitchens is shown using his sword to fight a crew of pirates.

Announcer: _Pope Benedict The Twenty-sixth_

The camera now shows an old man dressed in the vestments of the leader of the Vatican.

_Originally a warrior monk from the fourth crusade, Benedict was one of the most fearsome fighters of the middle ages. _

The scene changes to show a young benedict dressed like a Teutonic knight as he sword fights with Arabic forces

_After he fell into a glacier, Benedict was preserved in time before being thawn out in the twentieth century and becoming the pope._

Now the scene shows Norwegian scientists hauling out a giant block of ice from a crevasse which has benedict frozen inside like a bug in amber.

Announcer: _One man believes that religion poisons everything_

Christopher Hitchens kills a suicide bomber with a razor sharp metal "A", preventing a terrible disaster in a crowded market.

Announcer: _The other man fights tooth and nail against what he sees as the dictatorship of relativism. _

The Pope pulls out a giant, ornate looking spear and thrusts it through the heart of communist leader Mátyás Rákosi.

The camera changes once more and shows Hitchens and Benedict facing off. The two men are standing off barely inches from each other, glaring with laser beam eyes of death. Hitchens is clad in his black ninja clothes and Benedict shines in his white pope's robes.

_Who between these men of faith and scepticism is the deadliest?_

Announcer: _to find out, we've summoned a team of medical doctors, scientists and computer experts to the fight club to determine just that. _

_Biomedical expert and black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the damage dealt by the fighter's weapons. _

"I'm here to see of which weapons used is deadlier; I'll be able to tell you what's a kill, what's a wound and what's a stun."

_Computer expert Max Geiger will input the data from the tests and run it into a simulation program created by Slytherin studios. _

"Here we've got a battle between a holy warrior and a secular assassin; with my equipment we'll be able to see who is the deadliest warrior."

_Former ER doctor and UFC fight doctor Armand Dorian will assess the injuries._

"Whether it's broken bones, lopped limbs or severed arteries; I'll be able to tell you how long the guy has to live."

Announcer: _It's a duel to the death, no rules, no safety, no mercy; all to decide finally_

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

Announcer: _The fight club is abuzz with activity here in downtown LA. All in preparation for our most controversial match yet. _

Geoff Desmoulins appears before the camera. "I'm going to give this one to Pope Benedict. The guy was frozen in glacial ice for over a thousand years only to become a Vatican hit man and later rise to the top ranks within the church." He crosses his fit arms over his chest and smiles a bit. "I think it's fair to say that God has a plan for this guy."

Next appears Armand Dorian. "I'm really not sure who's taking this match. Benedict physically is eighty-three years old and he's way past his prime. That said, Christopher Hitchens is a heavy smoker and drinker and is at least thirty pounds overweight."

Max Geiger shows his afro covered head next. "Christopher Hitchens is going to take this match, hands down," he says with confidence. "Christopher is a fucking ninja. Those guys are like ghosts and frankly, Benedict may be tough but he's no Spartan."

Announcer: _Richard Dawkins knows Christopher Hitchens better than anyone._

The camera shows a gentlemanly English professor with glasses and a tweed suit. "I have every confidence in Christopher's abilities. He was after all trained by some of the finest ninja masters the world has seen."

Dawkins is shown wielding a broadsword expertly.

Announcer: _Richard Dawkins is an expert on biological evolution, a fellow atheist and a rogue demon hunter and porn star. Hitchens has assisted Dawkins on multiple demon hunts and now Dawkins is returning the favour. _

Now the camera shows a fit man with dark hair and green shirt.

Announcer: _Army veteran and medieval weapons expert, David Coretti fights on the side of Benedict. _

"Benedict was a knight," says David. "He lived on the battlefield and swore his life to eradicate evil. Christopher Hitchens, a hedonistic, atheist is the antithesis of everything that Benedict stands for."

Announcer: _But our other Hitchens expert believes that the pope is going the way of the Dodo. _

Naruto Uzumaki flashes a winning grin before the camera. "Christopher Hitchens is one of the deadliest ninjas I've ever known." In one hand he hefts a large black powder gun. "When he was living in Konohagakure village, nobody wanted to mess with him."

"One time he gouged out Gaara's eyes for making him spill his scotch."

Announcer: _Returning from a previous match is Enrico Maxwell, leader of the Vatican assassination service, Iscariot: Section XIII_

Enrico is definitely looking worse for the wear. He's got a black eye and he's wearing a neck brace for his injuries.

"The Pope's duty is to kill men like Hitchens; men like that are a greater threat to Christianity than all the screaming, Islamo-fascist hordes." Maxwell is just as fanatical to his cause as ever, injuries or no injuries.

David Coretti appears again. "Benedict has the best training and he knows that God is on his side. He's not going to let Hitchens win."

Richard Dawkins also weighs in. "Christopher is a ninja; that means that he's accustomed to using precision, deception and sometimes theatricality as his weapons. Unlike Benedict, he's trained to think, not just to believe."

Stats:

Christopher Hitchens

Height-5'6''

Weight-205 lbs

Birth date-13th April, 1949

Notable Conflicts-Korean War, Caribbean Pirate uprisings, Congolese Civil War

Weapons-ninjato, tanegashima, killer A's, metal claws, kusari-gama

Pope Benedict XXVI

Height-6'1''

Weight-170 lbs

Birth date-1177, month unknown

Notable conflicts-Fourth Crusade, Third Crusade, War on Terror, Soviet Afghan War

Weapons-morning star, broadsword, spear of Longinus, bow

Everybody is standing at the ready in the fight club. They are divided into two sides; the non-believers with Professor Dawkins and Naruto and the Christian side with David and Enrico.

"So Richard," says Geoff, "how long have you know Christopher?"

Dawkins has a gentle and soothing English lit, nothing like what one would expect from a seasoned demon hunter. "I first met Christopher twenty years ago when I was battling a rather nasty Mohra demon. I really don't say this often but he impressed me."

"As a former Teutonic knight, the Pope would have spent many years fighting demons and since he was thawed out he's fought far worse things," says David Coretti; just chomping at the bit to defend his champion.

Dawkins smiles in a most patronizing way. "That may be true, but I highly doubt that Benedict has ever faced an adversary like Hitchens."

"Yeah," boasts Naruto, "the Persians didn't need a thousand soldiers to defeat those three hundred Spartans; they could have just sent in Hitch and he'd have wiped out every last one of them."

Enrico Maxwell sneers. "Don't be so certain, you idolatrous little heathen."

Naruto just rolls his eyes and makes faces at Maxwell when his back is turned.

Ignoring the locker room banter, Geoff turns to Dawkins. "So what have you got for us today?"

Dawkins smiles and pulls out a nasty looking weapon which is composed of a short sickle that has a ball and chain attached to it. "I give you the kusari-gama; a fine example of Japanese innovation."

Naruto smiles. "Hell ya, my people invented this when the feudal government of Japan began to outlaw swords and the peasants started modifying ordinary farming tools."

Geoff nods at the history lesson. "So how does this thing work, prof?"

Dawkins enlightens everyone. "The sickle end of the weapon is utilized for slashing and stabbing," his voice is as calm and as even as if he were lecturing at Oxford. "The wielder usually goes in with the ball and chain in order to entangle an enemy's sword or spear and then finish them off with the sickle end."

Max seems excited. "Let's go for it then."

Professor Dawkins stands in the middle of a painted circle on the ground with a ballistics gel dummy in the center. Professor Dawkins begins to expertly twirl the ball end around. The chain is about fifteen feet long and has a two or three pound metal ball on the end.

The patterns with which Dawkins throws the ball around him are dazzling. He's obviously an expert at the weapon to use it like so. He beings to wrap it around his body like he's getting entangled, only to suddenly throw it out and thrust it straight at the dummy.

The metal ball hits the dummy right in the face. The metal ball strikes dead on the nose but the genetics professor/demon hunter isn't through with this guy yet.

Swinging around the ball in a wide arc, Dawkins wraps the chain around the dummy's neck and then charges in for the killing blow.

A swing at the neck slices the head nearly off, cutting through the spinal cord and major arteries. An overhead strike buries at leave five inches of high carbon steel into the brain of the dummy and to finish it off, Dawkins disembowels. Intestines spill all over the floor and the Englishman takes a bow.

Naruto claps for Professor Dawkins and Geoff and his boys look stoked but Enrico and David look like they've got something up their sleeves.

David Caretti appears before the camera. "It's a neat toy that he's got there, but Benedict has something meaner and deadlier."

Announcer: _The morning star, five pounds of spiked iron ball on a chain. Adapted from agricultural flails, this lethal weapon was one of the most dangerous tools on the battlefield before the advent of firearms. _

David stands before the hosts and his fellow experts with the morning star in hand. "Gentlemen, I give you the ninja killer."

Naruto whistles. "Nice can opener; where'd you get it, Home Depot?"

Maxwell sneers at the young ninja. "Laugh all you want, little boy; but this implement of God was designed to kill armoured knights. One fat man in a black shirt won't stand a chance."

Naruto dismisses Maxwell. "Yeah, like The Hitch would ever stand in one place long enough for you to hit him."

Maxwell grins. "That's because he'd be running away and trying to get back home before his holiness killed him."

The scene shifts and for this event a pig carcass has been offered up as a sacrifice to appease the viewers at home.

Announcer: _Since the morning star can be as deadly to the user as to its enemies, David will wear protective Kevlar gear. _

David stands before the pig carcass with a large Kevlar helmet on his head. The morning star is eagerly clutched in hands.

Geoff stands before a table full of computers and measurement sensors. In his hand he holds a stopwatch. "Dave, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . IN THE NAME OF GOD, GO!"

Taking a swing with the morning star to get some momentum, David first lands a blow on the side of the pig's head. There is a horrifying crunch as the pig's head seems to deform like somebody stepping on a rubber ball. The spikes in the metal ball punch deep holes in the hog's skull.

Swinging around the heavy metal ball, David lands a blow that totally takes off the pig's jaw; impressive given how sturdily built a pig's jaw is compared to a human being.

Under his helmet, David bellows like a bull as he swings around the morning star like a rogue comet come to mess up an innocent planet. The spiked ball catches a glancing blow on the pig's side, smashing ribs and tearing off ribbons of flesh.

A strike to the dead center of the pig completely caves in the rib cage!

David pulls out the morning star and the spikes only reluctantly let go of the pig flesh.

After a few more devastating swings, the test is called completed.

Geoff laughs and claps. "Oh man, if I ever need proof of God; that's what I'm going to point to!"

David takes a bow and Maxwell shoots a nasty smirk at Naruto. In reply, Naruto gives Maxwell the middle finger.

Among the cool glow of Max's computers, the three experts evaluate the data. On one computer screen there is footage playing of Dawkins slamming the metal hammer of the kusari-gama into the dummy's nose while another shows Caretti unleashing devastation with the morning star.

Armand speaks first. "Well the kusari-gama is deadly; no doubt of that."

"But the morning star is deadliest," says Geoff.

"True, but with the chain on the kusari, you can entangle an enemy's weapon; the morning star should be no different." Max contributes.

"Except the chain and ball on the morning star are a lot heavier than the ball hammer on the kusari," Geoff protests. "Anyway, if the morning star gets entangled then the guy holding it could just as easily pull the kusari-gama out of the hands of the ninja."

Armand has a solution to their dilemma.

Announcer: _At an abandoned car lot in Los Angeles, these two special weapons will be put to the test once and for all. _

It's a fairly ordinary looking car lot, if a bit empty. There are only two cars in it. They look rather old but if fixed up they could be worth a lot of money to collectors.

In the bright sun, Max explains to David Caretti and Richard Dawkins what they must do.

"Okay guys, you've got your weapons and you know how to use them." Dawkins and Caretti merely stare at Max with expressions of focus and concentration.

"You'll have one minute exactly to do as much damage as you can to each person's respective car. The car with the most damage sustained will be dubbed the deadlier weapon."

In preparation, Armand helps Geoff attach special pressure sensors to each car.

When all is said and done, Dawkins and Caretti get over to their respective cars. Each man wishes the other good luck before they get into fighting position.

Max gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . DESTROY!"

The two fighters immediately launch into action. Dawkins spins like a whirling dervish; his ear length grew hair flying wildly in the wind. The metal ball on the end of the chain shoots out and smashes in a window and broken glass flies everywhere.

David's first strike isn't as fast but it's far more devastating. Yelling wildly, he swings the heavy spiked ball right through the windshield of his car. Yanking out the ball, he pulls out half of the glass that isn't shattered and all over the floor.

With incredible reflexes and even great skill, Professor Dawkins goes for the easy targets first.

SMASH! SMASH!

There go the headlights of the car; busted into a million pieces and with the light-footedness of a leopard, Dawkins runs up onto the hood of the car and smashes the windshield with the scythe end of his weapon.

David is yelling wildly like some kind of Viking raider. He's swinging at the sides of the car, putting huge dents and multiple holes in the metal exterior of the car. A quick swing of his weapon punches holes in one of the tires and kills the hubcap.

Now Dawkins is jumping inside the car and using the sickle end to rip open the seat cushions and gut the dashboard.

David roars louder and takes out the side mirror on his car.

And then everybody hears a slightly slurred but highly pissed off voice shout out. "What the fuck are you doing!"

Everybody turns around to see an overweight, elderly man with silver hair and a black dress shirt enter the car lot. This is Richard Harrison, patriarch of the Harrison family and one of the main characters from the show _Pawn Stars_.

Richard has owned these cars forever and they would have been worth a lot of money when they are properly restored as they are unique collector's items. Unfortunately, Richard showed up at the _Pawn Stars _shop only to find a bunch of assholes tearing apart his prize cars.

In his right hand, Richard has got a shotgun and he aims it right at Professor Dawkins. Using reflexes honed by years of demon hunting, Dawkins just barely manages to avoid having his head blown off.

This action puts buckshot into the engine of the car and makes Harrison even more pissed off.

Max struggled to take all of his computers with him and just grabs the information recorded on disc. "Oh shit, he got here a half an hour early."

Dropping his morning star, David Caretti follows Geoff, Armand and Max's examples and runs like hell. Richard Dawkins isn't far behind.

Meanwhile, Naruto picks up a rock and flings it at Harrison's head; pegging the old man just above his temple.

The old man stumbles and fires a shotgun blast into the ground, leaving the others with time to escape.

In no time at all, the _Deadliest Warrior _guys have hopped into their RV and are speeding down the road like the cops are after them.

Inside the RV, Dawkins sits across from Naruto. "I highly suspected that something was wrong when they cut the lock instead of just opening it," says Dawkins.

"Oh, _now_ you say something," Naruto says sarcastically.

At the fight club, the three hosts reach a verdict as to what is deadlier.

"Morning star, definitely," says Geoff. "The kusari-gama has greater range but the field of raw killing power does and likely always will belong to the morning star."

Edge: Morning star

Announcer: _Kicking into high gear we test the long range weapons. Team Benedict starts off with a medieval dealer of death which was the bane of cavalry everywhere; the longbow. _

On a grassy field, quite unlike the desert where they usually test weapons, Maxwell stands with a great big bow and a quiver of arrows.

Max stares at Maxwell sceptically. "Uh, are you sure you can fire that thing?"

Maxwell seems pissed that the computer expert is doubting him. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Um, you're looking pretty injured."

Geoff has noticed this as well. "Yeah, what happened to you?"

Maxwell grumbles. "Before being invited onto the show I had just been declared innocent at a pedophilia lawsuit; but the father of that incorrigible boy attacked me when I was leaving the courthouse and injured me." Well, that explains his black eye, injured neck and numerous other unseen injuries.

"But can you fire a bow?" says Armand.

"Of course I can!" Maxwell shouts, but the effort of shouting strains some of the stitches under his shirt and he winces in pain.

Set up some distance away are a series of dummies with targets painted on their chests. There are six dummies and a seventh more realistic one that is dressed up to look like a ninja.

Taking his first arrow, Maxwell notches it up and pulls back on the 150 lb. draw string.

Geoff gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Maxwell lets his arrow fly and the arrow hits a dummy square in the chest. Grabbing another arrow, Maxwell lines up another target.

The arrow flies with hardly a sound; it strikes one dummy right in the face. Geoff and the guys cheer at Maxwell's marksmanship.

Two more arrows strike two more dummies before Maxwell decides to get the main target.

A shaft wizzes through the air and gets the dummy ninja right in the heart. Another arrow gets the main target right in the throat.

Easy as pie, Maxwell shoots down the last two dummies and pauses to pop some more pain killers because using a longbow is hard work.

The guys then stroll over to allow their resident doctor to assess the damage. Armand points to the dummy with the heart shot. "That guy is dead." He looks at a dummy that took a stomach shot and yanks out the arrow.

Estimating, Geoff assesses how deep the arrow went. "That's gotta be three inches of penetration, easy."

"More than enough to hit organs and vital structures," says Max, who's learned a few things about human anatomy during his time on the show.

"This is a liver shot," Armand explains. "This guy is going down and he'll bleed and bleed. It's not an instant kill but he'll be dead within minutes."

They examine the dummy that took a shot to the face. "This is interesting because it hits him in the cheek and exits just out the rear of the jaw." Armand yanks out the arrow and hands it to Maxwell. "From what I gather, the major artery is missing but you hit part of the brain and this guy could easily die of haemorrhage."

They examine the other dummies and come to an assessment. "Seven dummies, seven kills; four of them instant, the rest are slow kills."

"A slow death is exactly what that fat heathen Hitchens deserves," Maxwell drawls arrogantly, but it doesn't put a damper in Naruto's bright spirit.

"That's okay Father O'Pedophile; we've got something that'll blow Benedict's dentures right out of his head."

Announcer: _The tanegashima—fourteenth century Japan's answer to the European arquebus. _

In his hands Naruto holds a massive black powder gun. He spins around the weapon like a baton before throwing it in the air and catching it in a most dramatic way.

Naruto then aims the tanegashima at the camera. "Say hello to my little friend," he says with a boyish grin.

Naruto stands before the hosts and experts and begins to explain the gun he's using. "This here is the tanegashima; it's a black powder weapon named after the island of the same name."

"These were brought to Japan by the Portuguese and were improved upon by Japanese sword makers; who put their far superior metal working skills to great use."

"So how does this thing work?" asks Geoff.

"Well, this is a matchlock weapon; the gunpowder is ignited by a slow burning piece of cord," Naruto points to the little pan where the gunpowder goes on the side. "Unlike a European arquebus of the same time period, this baby comes with a lacquer cover to protect the powder and match when you're firing in the rain."

"Also unlike a European gun, the tanegashima's trigger has a spring mechanism for faster ignition of the powder; an arquebus trigger is just has a crude lever to turn the match."

Naruto holds up the gun in firing position. "Finally, this gun has a huge calibre; these things were designed to shoot down armoured samurai. This gun will have no problem shooting down a Roman dictator in white pyjamas."

David Caretti doesn't think highly of Naruto's weapon. "How fast can you reload that gun? By the time you reload, his holiness will have fired off at least a dozen arrows. And the longbow has a much greater range than any musket and it's accurate."

Naruto sniggers. "You hit me with an arrow, I might die. I hit you with my tanegashima; they'll be scraping pieces of you off the wall."

With all the posturing said and done, Naruto loads his gun and is given seven targets just like Maxwell was given.

Geoff gives the countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Without preamble, Naruto takes aim and fires off a shot. If the bow sounded like a whisper the tanegashima sounds like thunder.

_BOOM!_

A huge cloud of gun smoke spews out of the end of the gun and a musket ball strikes the dummy dressed like Pope Benedict right in the mouth.

Immediately Naruto must reload. He yanks out the ramrod tucked under the barrel of the gun, grabs a new musket ball and a can of black powder.

Unlike Maxwell's rapid fire shooting, Naruto is painfully slow to reload; he takes up to twenty seconds.

At last he has a shot and he lines it up. A well placed musket ball strikes a dummy in the head and exits clean out the back of it.

Despite the slow rate of fire, Naruto manages to fire off three shots in one minute while avoiding any misfires or misses. Although he comes close, he fires at one dummy and just avoids a grazing shot.

At last he's shot every one of the dummies but just for spite, Naruto decides to fire a final shot at the faux pope. The shot however isn't as accurate as the young ninja had hoped.

The ball strikes the faux pope in the leg just above the knee.

Naruto pauses to dramatically blow the gun smoke coming out from the barrel of his gun.

Professor Dawkins seems unimpressed by Naruto. "Do try to be a bit more humble, my lad."

Naruto scowls as he expected this sort of thing from the opposition but from his teammate. Still, it's a relevant lesson for the young ninja.

Upon closer inspection, it's immediately obvious that the tanegashima is much less accurate than the longbow. While Maxwell's bow repeatedly hit the same body parts, the face, the chest or gut; Naruto's musket balls have hit all over the dummies.

Armand looks at the first dummy; the musket ball has hit just above the crotch level.

"Ouch," says Geoff.

Armand looks at the wound on the dummy. "This would have gone through the bladder and possibly damaged the ligament that holds the pelvis together."

Digging into the wounded dummy, Armand pulls out the musket ball to find that it has flattened from impact. "Now this is very interesting. Since the ball flattened, it's going to do much greater damage to the surrounding tissues and structures than it had been made from a harder materiel."

"I'd say that this guy's bladder and lower intestine are burst; throwing him into shock and getting deadly e-coli bacteria in his blood. This guy is dead."

They walk over to the main target and Armand looks over the wounds. "Unlike a modern firearm, a musket ball will grind fabric and dirt into the wound due to its comparatively low velocity. This greatly increases the risk of infection."

The former ER doctor points to the leg of the fake pope. "There are many major arteries in the upper leg; if one of them has been hit then he could be dead within minutes."

"With a musket shot to the leg, this guy is looking at potentially a shattered leg bone. Best case scenario: he needs extensive physical therapy just to use this leg again."

Max just points at the fake pope's mouth. "So you really did blow his dentures out the door."

"Don't blaspheme," snaps Maxwell.

Richard Dawkins points to the pope dressed dummy and says snidely to Maxwell. "The faith of the pope isn't real; the musket ball to the teeth is."

Maxwell just growls angrily; the combination of David Caretti and the intense pain from his injuries stops Maxwell from duking it out with Dawkins right there.

Announcer: _Back at the fight club, our experts review the data._

Max starts first. "Well, for sure the longbow is the more accurate weapon and with a faster rate of fire."

"Yeah, but the musket is far more lethal," says Geoff. "If an arrow hits you, that's bad. If a musket hits you, you're dead. At fifty yards each; the musket was the deadlier weapon."

Armand agrees. "A skilled gunman like Hitchens won't be able to hit a dollar at thirty feet with his tanegashima, but he can still shoot with it if he's wounded or tired; unlike the longbow which requires enormous physical ability that an eighty three year old pope may not have."

Edge: tanegashima.

Announcer: _It's one for the Pope, king of the Catholics and one for Hitchens, Atheist in chief—but the game isn't over yet. There's still much to be done before the question is settled; who is deadliest?_

At a table full of computers, Max stands next to Richard Dawkins. "So, you're not only an atheist; you're a demon hunter and a porn star?"

"That is correct," replies Dawkins.

"How can you be a demon hunter and not believe in God?"

"I don't need faith to hunt demons," says Dawkins. "When a demon repeatedly plunges its teeth into my arm; its existence is more than mere belief, it's fact."

Meanwhile, David Caretti works with Geoff to set up the next experiment. "Are you Catholic?" Geoff inquires innocently enough.

"Yes I am," says David. "And I support the Bishop of Rome. Benedict the Twenty-Sixth teaches us to put faith in something more than science and rationality; and he defends his flock with the help of God's love. There's more to this world than meets the eye and Benedict is the man who can help us see into the gaps."

Naruto is standing with Armand Dorian, each eating a bowl of Ramen noodles. "Have you ever seen any of Richard Dawkins's porno movies?" Naruto asks

"Not really," says Armand.

"They're pretty awesome; check this out." Naruto hands Armand a DVD which he examines with curiosity.

The good doctor reads the title of the DVD. "Dawkins does Jerusalem: see evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins show the needy girls of the holy land a twelve inch reason why there is no god." Armand just looks at the DVD with a "wtf" look on his face. "Uh, you can keep it."

Announcer: _At last, the medium range weapons test in which the Hitchens experts open with a razor sharp letter of the alphabet_

Richard Dawkins holds up a razor sharp piece of metal shaped like an uppercase "A."

"I give you Christopher's own customized shuriken."

"What does the "A" stand for?" Geoff asks.

"It stands for anti-theist," Dawkins states matter of factly.

Geoff is slightly confused by this answer. "And what is that exactly?"

Dawkins lays it out for Geoff. "An atheist is someone who doesn't believe in God. An anti-theist is somebody who hopes there is no god."

"Why would any godless, brain dead heathen wish for that?" demands Maxwell.

Dawkins smiles easily at Maxwell. "You know the old question, 'is God watching me in the bathroom?" Well, Christopher dislikes the idea of anybody watching him in the bathroom, even if they did create the universe."

"But we're not here to discuss faith; we're here to test weapons."

Inside the fight club, Dawkins stands thirty feet away from a dummy dressed in authentic Samurai armour; the dummy itself is of the ballistics gel variety and even has realistic looking eyes peering out from behind an iron mask.

Max takes the stopwatch and warns the professor. "You ready, Richard?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," says Dawkins, clutching a killer A.

"In 3. . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Dawkins hurls the first A at the dummy. It's a hit! The oddly shaped shuriken buries itself in the eye of the samurai dummy.

With a flick of the wrist, a second shuriken buries itself into the other eye of the dummy. In short order, two more deadly A's fly into the gaps in the dummy's neck armour.

With the test done, clapping can be heard. Maxwell is clapping sardonically at his enemy's "success."

"Well done," he drawls. "Nice toy you've brought. But we of the true faith have a weapon from God."

Announcer: _The spear of Longinus; the deadly weapon that pierces the side of Christ as he lay on the cross. _

David Caretti holds up an ornate spear decorated with gold lining and various jewels. Only the tip seems fully functional; long, sharp and made of steel. "For those who don't believe in God; we have a weapon which has God's own power in it."

"Are you going to throw that?" asks Naruto. "Because the ninjas have a word for that; it means _disarming_ yourself."

David however is confident. "Trust me; the spear of Longinus always kills what it's thrown at."

To test the spear, David first is given a rope dangling from the ceiling. Swinging the spear sideways, the edge of the spearhead easily cuts through the rope despite the fact that it's not even taut.

Then comes the real test. Set up is a massive replica Spartan shield; the king of all shields.

David winds up in a classic spear throw move and throws—

And the spear penetrates!

The ornate spear of Longinus punches right through the Spartan shield, going in deep enough that it was certain to cause damage to the one holding it.

David then runs forward and yanks the spear out of the shield and jams it into a foam dummy with a Spartan bronze cuirass on its chest; again, the spear easily penetrates the armour, almost like it isn't there.

When all is said and done, the guys examine the damage. Geoff checks out the damaged Spartan shield. "It went right through the shield and got at least four inches of penetration; and the spot you hit it would have gone right through the shield holder's arm."

Geoff shakes his head. "I'm impressed; pretty much nothing gets through a Spartan's shield."

David replies confidently. "It's the power of God, my friends."

Announcer: _While the killer A's are lethal in their own right, they can't stand up to the raw killing power of the Spear of Longinus. _

Edge: Spear of Longinus

Now the close range weapons are next. For this test, Naruto is shown wielding a short, straight sword made of high carbon steel.

"Gentlemen," he says. "Meet the ninjato; a faster and deadlier draw than the katana."

Naruto then points at a ballistics gel dummy. "And I'm going to pretend that guy over there is boning my wife."

Naruto walks up to the dummy and starts to talk to it like Robert De Nero from _Taxi Driver_. "You talking to me? Are you talking to me?"

"I'm sure you're talking to me." He pauses. "Then who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

An air horn goes off and the test begins.

Suddenly, Naruto takes the ninjato from its sheath and swings it sideways at the dummy. The blade goes clean through the skull and slices off the top half of his head.

Naruto grins at the dummy with only half a head. "That's for seeing my wife, bastard."

Armand checks the wound. "You cleanly sliced off the top half of his skull; everything above the nose is gone."

He picks up the half of the skull that hit the ground. "And his brain fell out."

Maxwell holds up his broadsword, narrowly avoiding stabbing Max with it. "But we have—uh!" Maxwell grunts in pain from his injuries. It looks like David is going to have to do this test.

David stands before a pig carcass dangling from the ceiling. At his side in a sheath is a broadsword, freshly sharpened and ready to strike down some hog flesh in the name of the almighty. Unlike Naruto, David doesn't feel the need to start quoting movies from the seventies. He merely puts his hand on the sheath and waits for the call to strike.

When the call is given and David yanks out the heavy sword. Swinging with all his might, he slices at the pig and cuts halfway through it. Pulling the blade out of the pig, he increases the damage done by slicing motion.

David then thrusts the sword to where the pig's heart is. Swinging again, he cuts the pig in half. Despite the pig being bisected, David doesn't stop and continues to hack and slash at the dead animal.

The only thing that stops him is the charging bull.

Yes, I said charging bull.

As David takes another hack at the pig, a thousand pound rampaging bull explodes through the nearest exit and sprays bull snot all over the camera right before goring the camera man.

"Look out!" shouts Max, who once again is forced to grab the hard drive from his computer and run like hell.

The angry bull promptly charges at David; luckily the medieval weapon's expert has honed instincts. Quickly, he side steps the bull and drives the sword right through its heart.

The bull bellows once and drops. It's not over yet though. An entire herd of angry bulls comes charging through exit door and they're all mad as hell.

They must have mad cow disease because they're destroying everything in sight; unlike the Mythbusters who proved that a bull in a china shop won't break a thing.

The athletic Geoff jumps and grabs a light fixture; puling himself up into the rafters to take avoid the oncoming bulls.

Injured though he may be, Maxwell is prepared for a situation like this. The cows were supposed to show up earlier and trample Naruto; but obviously Heinkel got the timing wrong.

Grabbing a hand grenade from his jacket, Maxwell pulls the pin and flings it into the herd of insane bulls.

An explosion shoots shrapnel everywhere and the smell of barbecue can immediately be detected.

Dawkins jumps into action. He takes the tanegashima and prepares to gun down a bull with a seventy fire calibre shot when suddenly—the gun misfires. "Damn," curses Dawkins; who then throws down the black powder gun and grabs his kusari-gama.

While Armand is being chased in circles by a particularly ornery bull, Naruto unleashes his Anti-Cow jutsu.

It takes a while, but with the help of some animal control officers they manage to herd the bulls out without killing too many of them.

Unfortunately the fight club is smashed to pieces and there's bull shit and piss everywhere. The whole place smells like a slaughterhouse that went all _Animal Farm_ on the butchers involved.

Announcer: _So while the fight club is being cleaned and repaired, the experts will take advantage of this nice sunny day to finish the testing and analysis. _

Everybody is sitting under the shade of a big tree and it's very sunny out. Really, it's a lot nicer than the inside of that stuffy old fight club.

Sitting on the ground with a juice box each, Geoff, Armand and Max all review the Data from the final test.

Across the screen of Max's laptop appears footage of Naruto cutting through the dummy's skull. "The monitor reads his sword swinging in at sixty seven miles an hour."

"That's pretty quick," says Geoff as he takes a pull from his juice box.

The screen footage changes to show David Caretti with his broadsword.

Armand points at the first cut he made. "The only reason he didn't completely cut the pig in half was because he hit the pelvis; he really cut into the bone quite deep."

"But he only swung his sword from the sheath at fifty two miles per hour." Geoff points out, reading off of the computer screen.

"The broadsword definitely does more damage," Geoff notices.

"That's true, but this sword is designed to cut through armour; that's not going to be a factor in this fight." Armand assesses.

Max reaches a conclusion. "So for unarmoured combatants, the quickest draw will win the day."

Announcer: _Now with the testing complete, it's time to see who will prevail in this battle of the Holy Father_

Pope Benedict stands before the camera, from under his robes; he pulls out his broadsword and holds it in combat stance. The old man's eyes are pitiless and focused on nothing but the kill

_Vs. the King of Mayhem _

Christopher Hitchens sneaks up behind two gun wielding gangsters and slams their heads together, knocking them out.

_The Defender of Christianity_

A young Benedict in the middle ages fights Turkish soldiers, running one man through with his sword and impaling another on the spear of Longinus.

_Vs. The champion of humanism_

Hitchens is dressed in his black ninja clothes and stands with one foot on top of a dead Spartan. Suddenly he jumps out of the way as hidden snipers fire on him but can't seem to hit him for he is like a ghost.

The experts take a final go at why their guy is the best.

Maxwell stands before the camera. "The Teutonic knights were the most powerful warriors of the middle ages; they trained nonstop for war and they never forgot God's love."

"That is why we will win against a man who believes in nothing."

Dawkins now is interviewed. "Christopher doesn't believe in "nothing." He's a man of strong principles; he even had himself water boarded just to prove that it is torture."

"In the end, Christopher is going to kill for his beliefs."

Announcer: _Each fighter has an X factor to consider; an intangible quality which leads them to victory on the battlefield. _

_For Hitchens, that factor is his incredible iron will. _

"Yeah, crosses and prayer are good against vampires but we're talking about ninjas here," says Naruto. "Hitch isn't afraid of anybody. He doesn't care if you hate him; just the opposite."

"Plus," he adds, "Hitchens has mastered and invented the legendary _Hitch Slap_. That's a ninja jutsu so deadly that the Hokage of my village banned its use."

The camera shows a quick clip of Naruto using the Hitch Slap imperfectly. Naruto stands before a foam dummy. Then yelling out, he gives the dummy a cross between a pimp slap and a bitch slap. The force is so great that it bends the fabric of reality and the dummy goes flying into the stratosphere.

Max is standing before his bank of computers and is about to hit the "enter" button when he says to Richard Dawkins. "You know, you sort of look like Hermione Granger."

Dawkins blinks. "I'm sorry?"

"Hermione; you know, from Harry Potter?"

Dawkins just stares at Max and for several seconds an awkward silence dominates.

Finally Max mumbles, "I shouldn't have said that." Then hits the enter button.

Simulation:

It is a dark and stormy night and in his Washington home, Christopher Hitchens chills in front of the TV with a glass of scotch and some biscuits. His wife of some two decades is out shopping and she'll be home shortly. Christopher's favourite football team is even winning.

Meanwhile outside, Iscariot Assassins Heinkel and Yumie are to kill the famed atheist under his Holiness's orders. With her twin Desert Eagle handguns, Heinkel peeks into the front window. Behind her, Yumie the Berserker gun holds her sword in a waterproof cover, eager to spill some heathen blood.

In his easy chair, Hitchens sips at his glass of scotch—but when Heinkel peeks into the window, his eyes just briefly turn away from the TV screen and towards the window.

Heinkel looks into the window, preparing to fire a bullet into Hitchens's head. The loud thunder means that she won't need a silencer.

But Hitchens is gone.

No sooner does Heinkel see this than she feels something standing behind her and Yumie.

The Iscariot assassin has no time to think before Christopher Hitchens lands an iron fisted punch into her temple, knocking her to the ground.

Screaming the name of the man Jesus, Yumie draws her sword and prepared to slice the fat man in half; but Hitchens uses his kusari-gama to disarm her.

Not letting the loss of her weapon stop her, Yumie charges at Hitchens like a madwoman on drugs. Her blows are lightning fast and lethal to boot, but she's out of her league.

Moments later, Heinkel is dead and Hitchens is dangling Yumie off of his roof by the neck. "Who sent you?" Demands Hitchens.

Yumie tells Hitchens to go fuck himself. So Hitchens lets her drop into the impalement pit he keeps in his backyard just for these occasions. He doesn't stop to watch Yumie land in the punji sticks before examining the piece of fabric he tore off her habit. _Iscariot: Section XIII_, reads the label.

He knows who sent them now.

Entering his house, Hitchens goes up to the grandfather clock and turns the hands of the clock to midnight. Immediately it opens up to reveal a secret passage way to Hitchens's secret ninja lair.

In his underground lair, Hitchens grabs his ninjato, tanegashima, killer A's and kusari-gama.

At last, he dons his black ninja garb. The outfit covers his whole body; leaving nothing but his eyes exposed.

Packing his weapons onto his utility belt, Hitchens takes his ninjato and gets into a fighting stance.

_RIP!_

Hitchens has torn open the back of his ninja shirt wide open. Evidently he put on a bit of weight since his last ninja mission.

Upstairs he can hear his wife enter the house and he yells up to her. "Dear!"

"Yes honey?"

"I'm going to go and kill the Pope!"

"Be back before eleven!"

_Vatican City, Before Eleven O'clock_

In the magnificent city of Rome sits the Vatican, home of the world's oldest organization. In these hallowed halls, Popes and Cardinals and Bishops have interfered in foreign affairs, ordered assassinations, plotted inquisitions and spread around the religion of Christ.

Lately they've been afraid in the Vatican, because the forces of Islam have been becoming more and more militant in the world. The Vatican doesn't like the idea of a radical, militaristic faith bent on world domination; that's the rightful role of the Catholic Church.

The Holy Father is set to reveal a plan to combat the forces of Islam in all its forms. Little do the cardinals know, a shadow is in their midst.

The various security measures of the Vatican are no barrier to Christopher Hitchens; who evades guards and security cameras better than Sam Fisher ever could.

In a grand and glorious room, the Pope Benedict XXVI leads the Cardinals in prayer before they discuss their plan for world domination. For too long now, the influence of the church has been waning due to science and secularism; it's time to reverse the trend.

As the Pope starts to chant in Latin, the long barrel of a black powder Japanese gun peeks from the rafters. If all goes well, Benedict is going to take a seventy five Calibre musket ball to the head.

Hitchens holds the tanegashima to his cheek; unlike a European gun it's not mean to be pressed against the shoulder.

Unfortunately, fate intervenes. Hitchens's finger hits the trigger and the burning match snaps into place. There is a thunderous retort and a burst of smoke but the Pope is not killed.

By the grace of God, Benedict sneezed at the moment of the shot and the inaccurate black powder weapon took out one of the Cardinals.

Cardinal Joseph Bernardin of Chicago goes down with a musket ball to the heart.

All at once, everyone starts panicking. One of the Cardinals pulls out a shotgun from under his robes and starts firing it at the spot from where the musket shot came from.

Benedict however, doesn't look the least bit worried; just angry.

At that moment, the shotgun wielding Cardinal is reloading his weapon just as the Swiss Guard charge in with pikes and rifles. A second musket ball fires from the roof and takes down Cardinal Gerald Emmett Carter. The former Bishop of Toronto is now dead.

Tired at the incompetence of his minions, Benedict reaches behind his throne and pulls out the spear of Longinus and throws it farther and faster than any man of his age should be expected to be.

Hitchens has missed. That's not a surprise; this is a matchlock musket from Japan, not an Israeli sniper rifle.

While he failed to kill the pope, the game is not over yet. Metaphorically speaking, his trousers are barely down and Hitchens plans to make this last a while.

He knows Vatican security protocol like the back of his hand. With a little evasion, he can get to Benedict before they can get him to safety.

Suddenly, the fat ninja sees the ornate spear coming at him. He leaps back among the rafters but to his amazement the spear changes course in mid-air to follow him.

A slower man would have been run through, but Hitch evades by jumping behind a rafter.

To his utter amazement, the spear drives through the thick wood like it has a rocket engine behind it.

Using his psychic ninja awareness of the battlefield, Hitchens realizes that this is a magic spear and he must use his signature move to disable it.

As the spear drives through the wood, powered by Godly power; the fat man uses the _Hitch Slap_.

With a mighty and manly slap that would send Chuck Norris and Mr. T both home crying, Hitchens slaps the spear of Longinus like a naughty pet and immediately it stops moving.

Hitchens pulse never rose above moderate, even though the spear point is only a few inches from his face. He still has work to do.

The pope is being escorted by a squad of Swiss guards. They are going to take him to the papal bunker while they lock down the Vatican Palace and scour the place from top to bottom looking for the assassin.

The Pope doesn't like the idea of being shunted off into hiding. God preserved him in a glacier for a thousand years so he could bring morality to an amoral world.

Suddenly, the lights overhead go out with a pop. Several small, sharp pieces of metal hit the ground; they are shaped like uppercase A's.

While the Swiss guards fan out, Benedict already knows what's going to happen.

Drawing his broadsword strapped to his back, Benedict takes his steel implement of death and deftly uses it to block a fatal ninjato strike from Hitchens.

The Swiss guards all look around to see that Hitchens is in fact dangling from the ceiling by a grappling hook line and he's already descended like a spider and has struck at the Pope.

Hitchens drops to avoid being cut down by the Pope's broadsword and lands among the Swiss Guards. Skilled as they are, they prove no match for Hitchens who seems to be able to be anywhere but where the guards are looking at.

One Swiss Guard drops with a killer A in his neck. Another hits the ground when his skull is shattered by the metal ball on the end of Hitchens's kusari-gama.

Simultaneously batting aside a pike with his sword, Hitchens uses the chain on his kusari-gama to disarm a guard of his gun.

Suddenly, Hitchens ninja battle awareness comes into play (similar to the deadeye aiming system on _Red Dead Redemption_) and he ducks.

Benedict's razor sharp sword slices over the spot where Hitchens neck originally was.

Doing a backflip to avoid a downward blow from the broadsword, Hitchens finds that the pope is giving him no breathing room. He tries to use his kusari to disarm the pope but the old man is ready for it and disarms Hitchens instead.

The strikes come in fast and furious at Hitchens; who only just manages to block the strikes with his much lighter ninjato. It's very obvious from the way that Benedict fights that he needs no body guards to protect him.

Realizing that he can't keep this up, he goes on the offensive. When Benedict slices sideways with his big weapon, Hitchens ducks under the blow and thrusts his blade straight towards the Pope's belly.

Benedict however has the reflexes of a cat and lands a punch on Hitchens mouth.

Hitchens jumps back as the punch sends him reeling. Damn it! The fucking pope has a punch like the kick of a mule and a face that could bruise fruit.

Rolling to avoid a strike, Hitchens grabs his kusari-gama off the ground and flings the chain around the Pope's sword.

Pulling as hard as he can, Benedict struggles to avoid losing his sword. He and Hitchens meet eyes. This is more than a battle of strength; it's a battle of wills, of faith and of principles. Neither man can let the other live.

Suddenly, Benedict's broadsword flies from his hands.

Spinning the kusari-gama in a wide arc, he uses it to fling the broadsword towards a marble statue. The broadsword blade strikes the statue on the flat of the blade and breaks in half.

With a flick of his wrist, Hitchens dislodges the broken blade and catches the chain in his hand. Putting the kusari-gama at his belt, he reaches over his back and pulls out the freshly reloaded tanegashima.

Benedict is now beyond furious. The breaking of his sword is worse than anything except the worst of blasphemies. This is an insult that requires blood.

Hissing and spitting like an angry animal, Benedict jumps out of the way just as Hitchens pulls the trigger.

Unfortunately the gun misfires; the match has gone out. This doesn't stop Hitchens who drops his black powder weapon and flings a killer A at the Pope.

The sharp piece of metal slices a thin strip off of the pope's robes but Benedict is too agile. The old man has fled like some kind of demented Spider monkey.

If Hitchens is correct, he knows the Pope will be getting a weapon for himself. He's a Teutonic knight; war is a personal event as much as religious.

Quickly using his cigarette lighter to reignite the match, Hitchens goes forth and vanishes into the shadows like a spectre.

The whole Apostolic Palace is in a state of lockdown; all tourists are being cleared out. Meanwhile, unencumbered by his bodyguards, Benedict runs to a hidden door. Pressing a button disguised as an ornament. Benedict opens the secret storage compartment and pulls out a longbow, a quiver of arrows and a morning star.

Meanwhile, Hitchens uses the match on his matchlock gun to set fire to some velvet curtains. With any luck, a great honking big fire will create some confusion.

The Swiss Guards are mobilizing. They're dropping their pikes in favour of fully automatic weapons and storming the gilded halls of the Vatican in groups of five.

_The Vatican library_

The Pope stealthily moves from between the canyons formed by the giant book shelves. More than one million printed books and three quarters of a million manuscripts are housed in this sacred library of God.

The lights are all off; Hitchens has sabotaged the Vatican's power grid; for deception and theatrics are the weapons of the ninja. But it's okay.

Benedict doesn't mind a bit of night-time hunting.

The Pope's old arms hold his bow and arrow ready; a sneer printed across his face.

The old man spots something in the shadows; an ordinary man would have missed it but a Teutonic knight never would.

An arrow shaft whizzes from the Pope's bow and into the shadows.

Nothing; not the sound of a wounded man nor the sound of a falling body. No sound whatsoever.

Benedict grabs another arrow and notches it up. He knows his foe is still here. "Come out, devil," whispers Benedict.

Up near the ceiling, murals of angels and demons guard the library. One of those demons watches the pope with steel intensity. His black costume allows him to seamlessly blend into the shadows, leaving only his blue eyes to peer out and see all.

Acting on a gut feeling rather than on the senses of mortal men, God guides Benedict's hand to fire up high, near the ceiling.

The arrow flies true, but no sound can be heard.

Deciding that he ought to take to the higher ground, Benedict slowly and purposefully ascends the stairs into the second level of the library.

He walks over to the spot where he fired that arrow. In the shadows, he finds a ruined Japanese gun with an exquisite wood finish; the burning match glows faintly in the darkness. An arrow has damaged the firing mechanism; but there is no blood or any sign that the owner of that accursed gun is anything but alive and well.

"_Over here_,"

Benedict spins around with his bow. He heard something, just a ghost of a whisper barely into the human range of hearing.

"_You missed_,"

Benedict turns around as the voice comes from a completely different direction. Unnerved but trusting in God, the old man takes the tension off the bow and grabs two more arrows from the quiver.

He pulls the bowstring ready again; this time with three arrows ready to fire at once.

Slowly, Benedict closes his eyes and just _listens_. His heartbeat slows down and his breathing becomes more relaxed. He longs for the days when he fought honourable opponents; now everyone is an assassin, a suicide bomber or a coward. There's no honour left in the world.

Then acting with the speed of a striking cobra, Benedict aims at the shadows and fires the three arrows.

The old man stops and notches another arrow. Uneasily, he stares at the shadows with his bow ready.

Nothing happens for fifteen seconds.

Fifteen.

Ten.

Nine.

Eight

Benedict struggles to hear, but he can sense nothing. It's like fighting a ghost.

Seven.

The pope takes a step closer.

Six.

The weight of the morning star is comforting to him.

Five.

He squints in the darkness.

Four.

Could his enemy be dead?

Three.

If so, then God be praised.

Two.

In the shadows, Benedict sees something.

One.

Something shaped like an "A."

Out from the shadows, three razor sharp A's fly at Benedict with lethal intent.

The old man jumps aside, but one of the A's slashes at his cheek and spills blood down his white robes.

From a totally opposite direction, Christopher Hitchens leaps with his ninjato sword, gleaming in the light.

Benedict skitters back like a spider but his bow is cut in half. No matter, as Hitchens charges he pulls out the deadliest part of his arsenal.

Hitchens dodges as Benedict swings the morning star forward with almost no prior momentum. Truly he's a warrior of skill; he's also a right bastard who believes that condoms cause Aids instead of prevent it. For that alone he must die.

Christopher throws more killer A's at Benedict.

But in a surprise move, Benedict grabs the business end of the morning star just under the spiked ball and starts to swing around the handle; a risky proposition in itself. Then he uses the swinging handle to knock the killer A's from midair.

Not willing to let his enemy jump back into the shadows, the Pope charges forward and sticks to Hitchens like Velcro.

The head of the morning star flies to and fro like a deadly comet. Hitchens's relatively light ninjato is barely useful in blocking it. Sparks fly in the darkness where Hitchens blocks the heavy ball and chain.

Outside, all is chaos as Italian authorities struggle to keep back the crowds as two men fight to the death on top of the Vatican Palace.

Hitchens and Benedict are ducking, weaving, bobbing and just struggling to find an opening in the other's defenses.

Despite neither of them being in peak physical ability, they jump and fly and duck like a couple of acrobats.

The Pope's cheek is bleeding and during their battle, Christopher's face mask was torn off and how he's battling with his blonde hair flying in the wind.

Suddenly everything goes into slow motion.

Benedict and Hitchens charge at each other. The morning star swings through the air and the ninjato is falling in a slashing arc.

As the two men move in slow motion, victory could go to either man.

Hitchens however, has one last trick—quite literally—up his sleeve.

From out of his sleeve, like a hidden poker card, Hitchens catches a killer A; it's his last one.

They're almost on top of each other now when Hitchens flings the A. But can he strike the pope with it before he gets killed by the morning star.

In slo mo brutality; the morning star just grazes Hitchens on the shoulder and rips off a large chunk of skin.

The Pope however is not so lucky. The killer A has struck him in the heart.

In pain, the old man puts his hand to his heart and starts to fall off the edge of the Vatican.

Before he falls, Benedict looks at Christopher Hitchens and suddenly an almost comical "what the fuck?' expression comes over his features.

The Pope is not mad at God; he just thinks that his death should have been more glamorous.

The slow motion ends as the Pope plummets to his death from the top of the Apostolic Palace.

People in the crowd, many of them devoted Catholics, scream as the corpse of the holy Papa hits the cobblestones.

Wounded and exhausted from the fight, Hitchens looks down at the Pope as he lays spread eagle on the concrete.

On the ground, an Italian Policeman can see a figure on top of the Palace but can't make out his features. Putting two together, the Policeman pulls out his sidearm and screams at the figure. "You murderer!"

On the Vatican roof, Christopher Hitchens breaths deeply as he clutches his sword.

A scrap of paper in the wind briefly blocks and camera and when it passes—Christopher Hitchens is gone.

_**CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS WINS!**_

Stats:

Christopher Hitchens: 563 kills

Ninjato-197 kills

Kusari-gama-223 kills

Killer A's-43 kills

Tanegashima-100 kills

Pope Benedict XXVI: 437 kills

Broadsword-87kills

Morning star-237 kills

Spear of Longinus-88 kills

Longbow-25 kills

Geoff shows up. "Out of a thousand battles, Christopher Hitchens took the lead."

"The Pope's weapons were designed for taking out armoured opponents; in this case it meant that his strikes were slower," says Max. "Sorry, but it looks like Nietzsche was right when he said that God is dead."

Armand shows up next. "In this case, precision won over brute force. With the exception of the tanegashima, Hitchens had the more accurate weapons."

David Caretti is slightly downed by the turn of events. "I'm surprised by the fact that the Pope was beaten by a bloated, alcoholic douche bag."

Maxwell is livid. He's packing a crossbow left over from the _Knight vs. Pirate _episode. "I will end these blasphemers!" he shouts.

He goes to fire the crossbow from the hip but he misses. Rubbing some salt into the wound is the fact that the crossbow bolt accidently got caught on Maxwell's pants and tore them right off; exposing his skinny legs and heart patterned boxer shorts.

Maxwell yelps in alarm and tries to fire another shot; causing him to lose his shirt also.

The Devil appears before the camera. "I'm the Prince of Darkness and I support Christopher Hitchens and made his victory possible." The devil smiles widely.

Suddenly, Richard Dawkins jumps up behind the devil and stabs him fatal with a dagger. The devil gurgles and cries out before falling dead.

Richard Dawkins has killed the devil. "Damn demon," he curses.

The three hosts are standing by the computers. "That was an interesting match," says Geoff.

Suddenly, there is a ringing noise, like a doorbell. "I'll get it," says Dawkins.

Dawkins walks up to the front door and opens it. Outside he finds a Japanese man in a kimono wielding a katana; and he's mad as hell.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" demands Tetsuro Shigematsu; the man who served as a Samurai expert on the show. "He stole from me."

"He stole, what exactly?" asks Dawkins.

"He took my family's tanegashima; the beating I'm going to lay on him will be indescribable."

Dawkins nods. The tanegashima did look awfully real; too real to be a replica.

Dawkins turns around and sees that Naruto has gone.

Well, there's nothing left to do but invite the man in for a snack.

* * *

And that's a wrap! I loved doing this match. I really did. Now, I do not hate Catholics and I do not endorse killing priests. Far from it. What I do however not like is fundamentalism. Anybody who says that we should kill all not of our faith, I don't like you; doesn't matter what your faith.

And feel free to choose your own religion. Freedom of religion rocks!

To those of you who wonder, there is a picture where Richard Dawkins looks like Hermione Granger. Right here. http . com/2008/05/27/hermionedawkins-lookalike/

Next match will be a fan request: Anakin Skywalker vs. Sarah Kerrigan. See two of Sci-Fi's biggest bads go at it ;)

I hope you liked this and weren't offended.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	12. Sarah Kerrigan vs Anakin Skywalker

Deadliest Warrior: Anakin Skywalker vs. Sarah Kerrigan

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or StarCraft or Deadliest Warrior. To answer your questions; Anakin in this version has gone to the Darkside but hasn't yet become Darth Vader; so roughly after the massacre at the Jedi temple.

* * *

Announcer: _Sarah Kerrigan, The Queen of Blades_

The screen shows a woman with mottled green carapace, razor sharp looking wings and a contemptuous look on her face.

_The human/zerg hybrid who upon taking command of the Zerg Swarm made an entire galaxy tremble in fear_

Announcer: _Anakin Skywalker, once prophesized to bring balance to the force, he instead threw the galaxy into darkness and ushered an age of tyranny._

A stone faced Anakin dispassionately murders Jedi he once called friends as part of Palpatine's Order 66; even the children are not spared.

Announcer: _Once a child with telepathic powers, Sarah was abducted by the Confederacy and forged into an assassin. _

A child Sarah kills her mother and cripples her father with an accidental psychic blast before the screen shows an adult Sarah in the outfit of the _Ghost_ division of assassins.

_Born on the Hutt controlled world of Tattooine, Anakin grew up as a simple slave boy before being discovered by Jedi Knight Qui-Jon Jinn. _

Shows a scene of Anakin toiling for eighteen hours a day at Watto's junks hop

_Like Kerrigan, Anakin displayed psychic and force sensitive aptitude from an early age. _

Anakin is shown racing a pod through the lucrative and highly lethal Boonta Pod Race event. A fellow racer crashed into a rocky outcropping and is killed.

Announcer: _Both of these individuals tore their respective galaxies apart, but if they were to fight, who would be deadliest?_

_Computer expert Max Geiger operates the program which will allow us to decide._

Max turns around in his swivel chair. "I've had to adjust the program to account for Sarah's psionic abilities and Anakin's force powers. If nothing else it'll be a spectacular show."

Announcer: _Former ER physician Armand Dorian will assess the damage inflicted on the bodies of the combatants. _

Armand stands before a pig carcass. "Since one of these fighters is only half human, I've had to brush up on my knowledge of Zerg anatomy."

_And biomedical expert and karate black belt Geoff Desmoulins will measure the lethality of the weapons._

"These two have done it all," says Geoff as he picks up a motion sensor. "They've broken necks, cut off heads and wiped out whole populations and planets. Neither of them is going to give an inch."

Announcer: _It's a duel to the death between two of Science fiction's greatest fallen heroes. A battle between a Queen of Monsters_

Sarah Kerrigan dispassionately watches as the various monsters of the Zerg Swarm lay waste to an entire planet.

_Vs. the enforcer of an empire_

Anakin explodes through a wall panel and grabs a fleeing Jedi by the throat. Jedi younglings watch helplessly as Anakin strangles the adult Jedi.

_A proud assassin_

A still human Kerrigan fights her last stand against the zerglings before being assimilated.

_Vs. A famous war hero_

A still light side Anakin battles against innumerable battle droids during the clone wars.

Announcer: _It's a duel to the death, all in the quest to find out—_

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

Announcer: _Here in the fight club things are in high swing as two great practitioners of paranormal powers go toe to toe. _

A brown haired man in Jedi attire spins and slashes with a lightsabre.

_Obi-Wan Kenobi knows Anakin better than anyone else; he was Anakin's master once upon a time. _

Obi-Wan appears before the camera. "Before he turned to evil, Anakin was one of the most talented Jedi in the entire Jedi order. In terms of talent, he was nearly on par with Master Yoda and Master Windu. The only thing holding him back was his incredible arrogance."

_When it comes to Sarah Kerrigan, nobody knows her like former lawman and outlaw for hire Jim Raynor_

A terran in his early thirties is shown disassembling and cleaning a futuristic rifle. He's a hard looking man who's seen much hardship in life.

"I wouldn't underestimate Sarah," Raynor says. "If this Anakin guy is as bold and blind as they make him out to be then he's already set up to fail.

Announcer: _Sharing a similar opinion to Raynor is Prelate Zeratul of the Protoss Dark Templars_

A shrouded alien swings around a psionic blade with great skill.

"_Sarah Kerrigan is feared across the galaxy and for good reason,_" says the psychic alien. "_Against her, men like Skywalker are only good as cannon fodder_."

Announcer: _As the final team member of the Skywalker experts, Han Solo is a veteran smuggler and seasoned general. Having fought alongside the Jedi order for years, he is one of the foremost non force sensitive experts on Jedi_.

Han appears before the camera. He's gone grey now but the swagger and cheek hasn't gone away. "I worked with Luke for years and for not nearly enough money," the smuggler jokes. "If Luke's dad is half as powerful as his kid is then no crazy lady with weird hair is going to stop him."

Announcer: _As per custom, our hosts make pre-game predictions. _

Geoff goes first. "I've seen the power of the Jedi and I've seen the Sith in action during my time with the Canadian armed forces."

"That kind of power and skill is hard to beat, even for someone like Sarah. My edge goes to Anakin."

Max then appears. "When you slice it, Anakin or Darth Vader isn't even the Devil; he's the devil's lackey," he refers to Anakin and Vader's subordinate status to Palpatine.

"Kerrigan was actually on the throne of her own personal empire; just based on the fact that she took control from the overminds I give this fight to her."

Armand appears before the camera. His eyes are all red; he looks like he's been crying. "I just heard that Max won't be with us for season three," he says in a hollow voice and then blows his nose noisily on a tissue.

Stats:

Anakin Skywalker

Weight-225 lbs.

Height-6'5''

Weapons-The Force, lightsabre, thermal detonator, DC-15A Blaster Rifle

Time Frame-After Jedi temple massacre, before end of Episode III

Sarah Kerrigan

Weight-163 lbs.

Height-5'10''

Weapons-psionic powers, bone wings, c-10 mk. VI Rifle, spider mine

Time Frame-approximately at the time of StarCraft II, think of around the time when Zeratul and Sarah had that epic cut scene.

Announcer: _To get the ball rolling, we begin with perhaps our most flamboyant close range weapon yet, the bone wings!_

The guys are standing around a giant post which demonstrates various parts of Kerrigan's anatomy and how it differs from the human norm.

Jim Raynor uses a laser pointer to indicate the wings. "These are Sarah's wings; while she can't use them for flight more than one fool has lost his life to them."

Zeratul explains further. "_Kerrigan uses these "wings" to perform both slashing and stabbing manoeuvres. Made from the same carbon-heavy metal composite as the carapace of most zerg creatures, these wings can pierce through most Terran armour._"

Han Solo however is undaunted by the menacing bone wings. "You call those weapons? I use something like that to roast wieners at a family barbecue."

Zeratul is highly pissed off at Solo, but refrains from decking him because he's got the cool Dark Templar attitude. "_Kerrigan is dangerous both as a field commander and as a hand to hand fighter; underestimating her leads to doom." _

Han still has to laugh. "Let's go and see, shall we?"

Announcer: _To test these highly specific weapons, Jim will be strapped with a cybernetic recreation of Kerrigan's wings. _

The camera shows Jim being strapped to a pair of animatronic wings coated in the same zerg exoskeleton as the real deal.

Flexing his shoulders, Jim manipulates the synthetic wings using a direct link to his neurons. Before him has been set up with a ballistics gel torso designed to simulate human flesh; his job will be to ruin it.

Jim stands before the dummy all combat ready.

Geoff stands with the sacred stop watch. "Jim, you attack in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . KILL!"

Without a sound, the wings lunge forward and spear the dummy in all the places that kill instantly. It's like the dummy just fell forward into a tight formation of spears.

Then the wings pull out of the dummy and swipe sideways. The dummy is cut into slices; like deli meat from hell it all falls to the ground.

As Geoff and the guys cheer, both Obi-Wan and Han look unimpressed.

The scene shifts to a desert setting full of dust and sunlight. Along a stretch of dirt road, a series of mailboxes have been set up. At the end of the stretch of road there is a pig carcass.

Obi-Wan is sitting on top of a motorcycle; the engine is hot and everything looks ready to go. In his hand, the old Jedi warrior holds his own personal lightsabre.

Geoff briefly explains to Obi-Wan how they're going to do this test. "Okay Ben, what you're going to do is ride down this stretch of road and I want you to cut down those mailboxes as fast as you can." As he speaks, he attached motion and speed detectors to Obi-Wan's arm and to the handle of his lightsabre.

Obi nods at the request. "That seems simple enough, Geoff."

Before the test can begin, Obi-Wan puts on a pair of motorcycle goggles which make him look a little bit like T.E. Lawrence.

Geoff takes the stop watch and gives the countdown. "Obi, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Without further prompting, Obi-Wan revs the engine of his motorcycle and ignites his lightsabre. The smell of ozone briefly lingers with the scene of dust and exhaust fumes before the bike jumps forward, kicking up dust and gravel that hits Jim Raynor; who stood too close in trying to get a better look.

Obi-Wan speeds down the road at nearly sixty miles an hour and climbing. With a swing of his weapon, the first mailbox falls into two pieces. The second, third and fourth mailboxes all fall in the same fashion. The fourth one gets special treatment because Obi-Wan slices it twice before it hits the ground. Even on the last mailbox when his bike hits a pothole in the road, Obi-Wan doesn't miss his target.

Announcer: _To make things even, Jim will attempt to match Obi-Wan's skills on the motorcycle. _

Jim sits on the motorcycle with the synthetic wings. It's not his old vulture hover bike but it'll do.

Once the countdown is given, Jim speeds down the dirt road; only he hits the accelerator hard. The back wheel of Jim's bike spins wildly and for a few scant seconds it skids nicely, throwing dust and gravel everywhere.

Then he too shoots forward on the motorcycle and unleashes devastation on a fresh set of mail boxes.

With lighting speed, the bone wings lash out and slice the mail boxes into pieces; fifths rather than halves.

Unlike Obi-Wan, Jim Raynor is lucky enough to not hit a pothole.

After the tests are done, the experts review the footage. One the screen of one laptop, Obi-Wan is shown slicing up a stationary pig carcass in slow motion.

Max observes about the wings. "They definitely have longer range than the lightsabre; not to mention that there are multiple points of penetration."

Geoff holds the opposite position. "You're right there but according to the high speed, the lightsabre cuts through the same substances faster than the wings do."

"Not to mention that the lighsabre could easily slice through the wings," says Armand.

While Max has a good point, the lightsabre once again makes itself known as the king of melee weapons.

Edge: Lightsabre

Announcer: _But Team Kerrigan is not licked yet. To the table they bring powerful paranormal abilities. But will it be enough to overcome Anakin's use of the force. _

Zeratul starts by giving a rundown of psionic abilities. "_Psionic are the ability of the mind to produce various phenomena beyond the pale of understanding_."

He continues. "_At the age of eight, Sarah caused her own mother's death with a freak psionic strike._"

Armand winces at that. "That's harsh."

Zeratul nods behind his veil and cloak. "_Indeed, the strike also left her father brain damaged. Her potential was so great that the Terran Confederacy had to readjust their psionic ratings scale._"

As a demonstration of his own psionic powers, Zeratul charges the bracelets he wears and a green energy blade shoots out of it. Immediately, he cuts the flow of psionic energy and the blade vanishes. "_As a ghost assassin, she was given conditioning and neural tampering to reduce her psionic powers for fear that she would not be controllable._"

Han adds in his two cents, because the old rogue just can't help but steal the show. "Ancient religions and hokey tricks are fine, but from what I've seen not many things can beat one of those Jedi laser swords."

Zeratul gives Han Solo a dirty look. "_Clearly you have never seen a psionic storm in action_."

Announcer: _To Test Kerrigan's psionic devastation, Zeratul will utilize three of her psionic abilities: the psionic storm, implode and razor storm. _

_Since these abilities are too dangerous for indoor testing, we'll test them in a classified location_

The camera pans over a stretch of rocky, desert terrain from when they tested the RPG and flamethrower in the IRA vs. Taliban episode. The crew and guests are standing behind a table full of testing equipment. Protecting them from harm is a giant sheet of bulletproof glass.

Zeratul stands before the group. About thirty meters away from Zeratul is a hotdog stand minus the vendor. In place of the vendor is a foam dummy with a brain designed to simulate an organic mind. Shock patches on the forehead of the dummy will tell if a psychic blast killed or merely stunned.

Geoff gives the instructions to Zeratul. "Okay, you are to dish out your psychic attacks ranging from weakest to most powerful. We want you to do as much damage as as fast as possible."

This time Max takes up the stop watch. "Zeratul, are you ready?"

Zeratul stomps the ground like a bull ready to charge.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . .1 . . . . FIRE!"

First, Zeratul unleashes the razor storm. Thrusting out his hand, dozens and then hundreds of energy barbs form in his palm and then flying out in crazy eight patterns.

Almost immediately, the razors fly out at the hotdog stand and start perforating everything. It's doing the same damage as a battalion of men with machine guns.

The destructive force of the razors is sending mustard and ketchup flying everywhere.

Then Zeratul unleashes the implode attack. Using his considerable powers, Zeratul summons a localized gravity distortion that picks up the hotdog stand and dummy vendor and crushes it in the first of a few thousand G's.

The imploding hotdog stand showers wieners and hotdog buns everywhere and the guys have to duck to avoid being hit by flying tube steaks.

Now, for the piece de resistance,

Calling on the forces of darkness that all Dark Templars are trained to control and tap into, the psychic alien unleashes the psionic storm. A giant shockwave of blue energy originates from Zeratul and spreads out in all directions. The hosts are only spared because the glass they hide behind is specially shielded from psionic disruptions.

To the hosts, that was like the best fireworks display ever and they're whooping and hollering like kids at the carnival. Han Solo looks a bit more impressed but Obi-Wan merely crosses his arms and looks unimpressed.

As per usual, Armand takes point to examine the wounds. Stepping over stray wieners and piles of coleslaw and onions, Armand finally makes it to the dummy.

He points to the body. "It would take me all day to count these wounds," indicating the vast amount of fake blood on the ground. "Strangely enough the head seems untouched.

"Yeah," says Jim Raynor. "But every single other organ in his body except for his tongue has been ventilated. He's not going anywhere."

"Sure, I'll give you guys a call when we need fireworks for my kid's birthday," mocks Han.

Jim shoots the smuggler a dirty look.

Armand continues the examination. "Well, while the psionic storm was impressive and totally fried this guy's brain like an egg, it didn't even touch the hotdog stand."

"_The psionic storm leaves buildings and vehicles untouched while ignoring armour of all types_," explains Zeratul.

On Max's computer, high speed footage reveals something very interesting about the implosion. "According to the gravity meters, the g force didn't become lethal until at least three seconds into it and even then the hotdog stand took the brunt of the attack. The dummy was hardly touched." The computer whiz explains.

Again, Zeratul is there to fill in the blanks. "_The implosion is a technique usually reserved for dispatching buildings and armoured units. _

Announcer: _For Anakin's side, Obi-Wan will be deploying force choke, animal befriend and Sith Lightning._

As before, a foam dummy has been set up, all dressed up in a generic fast food uniform. A brand new hotdog stand has been set up with a fresh supply of mustard, relish and buns.

The first test shall be of the animal befriend move, normally associated with the light side.

Max asks about what Obi-Wan plans to do. "So you just pull a Tarzan for this?"

Obi-Wan doesn't catch the earth popular culture reference but tries to explain as best he can. "This is about connection, a Jedi knight taps into the natural forces for purposes of defense and knowledge."

"Ain't nothing natural about Kerrigan and her horde of mutants," injects Jim Raynor.

Obi-Wan, unlike other hosts bears the opposition no malice. "I perfectly understand that, however; to fully demonstrate this ability I've arranged for a live hydralisk to be brought in."

On cue, a giant cage is toed in by a giant truck. Inside the cage, something huge and deadly with sharp fangs hisses and fights to get free.

"Are you insane," hisses Raynor!

Obi-Wan attempts to calm down good old Jim. "At east, sir. I have the situation well in hand."

With a wave of his hand, Obi-Wan uses the force to open the latch on the cage and the hydralisk slithers out. A creature of purely bone, teeth and killer instinct; the hydralisk looks like it was designed by HR Geiger and the freaks behind the _Oddworld _games.

Immediately, the slavering beast sets its eyes on the soft looking humans. Max cowers behind Geoff and Geoff cowers behind Armand. Han and Jim both pull out side arms while Zeratul snaps his energy sword on.

Before anybody can shoot the hydralisk though, the beast suddenly speeds towards the foam dummy. The dummy lasts all of three seconds before the hydralisk goes psycho on it; it's like the dummy owes the hydralisk money or something.

Then to everyone's shock, the giant worm like beast uses its scythe like forearms and begins to prepare a hotdog. Delicately, it places a wiener in a bun without cutting the wiener and then starts to smother it in mustard and ketchup before sprinkling onions and sauerkraut. With the same unexpected dexterity, the hydralisk prepares three more hotdogs.

Taking the prepared hotdogs, the hydralisk takes them on the flat of its blade arms like a waiter carrying drinks and then deposits them on the table full of equipment; scaring the living daylights out of Max.

As a finisher, the hydralisk runs back into the cage and Obi-Wan locks it wish his powers. Only then does the hydralisk come to and start to try and break out again. The cage is immediately loaded into the back of the truck and that's the end of that.

Geoff stares down at the still warm hotdogs. "You just made a hydralisk serve us hotdogs."

Obi-Wan nods and smiles. "Indeed, the zerg are shown to be vulnerable to psionic influence when isolated from their minders; it isn't much of a stretch to utilize the force in a far more effective way."

Announcer: _With a new Dummy set up, Obi-Wan continues to demonstrate the power of the force. _

A new dummy stands there behind the hotdog stand. On cue, Obi-Wan holds up his hand and the dummy slowly rises off the ground. Then, Obi-Wan starts to clench his hand.

On the throat of the dummy there are three pressure pads. The first pressure pad turns red, the weakest one. Not long afterwards, the second pad turns red.

At last, the third and strongest pressure pad turns red and the throat of the dummy collapses as if kicked in by an invisible boot.

The camera cuts to Armand examining the three pads on the neck of the dummy. "The first pressure pad indicates that air and blood flow are being cut off. At this setting alone, he'd be dead in fifteen seconds at least."

As an expert Martial artist, Geoff points out. "With a skilled fighter, a man can be brought unconscious with just eight seconds."

Armand indicates the second patch. "At this patch, the windpipe would have been cracked." Then his trained finger lands on the last patch. "By this one, we're looking at crushed vertebrae in the neck; instant kill."

Obi-Wan speaks more on the usefulness of this ability. "A dark side power, the force choke only requires intense concentration and a visual of the target. With the aid of a hologram or even a photograph, a dark side assassin can force choke a target half a planet away."

Jim bursts Obi-Wan's bubble. "Sorry, but if Kerrigan is half a planet away, then that's because you'll have a half billion strong Zerg army breathing down your neck."

"Good luck concentrating with that," laughs Han. He may not support Kerrigan in this but he doesn't hesitate to rib force users in general, the crazy bastards.

For the final test, Obi-Wan will shoot the dummy with force lightening; a talent reserved among the higher practitioners of the dark side.

Geoff gives the countdown. "Obi, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ZAP HIM!"

Obi-Wan raises his hand . . . and loses his nerve. "I'm sorry, I just cannot do this."

Everybody is crestfallen, even Zeratul looked like he was looking forward to seeing some lightning.

"What do you mean, you can't do this?" Geoff demands.

"I can't do it," says Obi-Wan. "I simply cannot lower myself to perform such a distasteful dark side power. Can't you simply call up a dark side expert?"

"We can't do that," explains Max. "We're on a schedule and there isn't anybody available who can do the force lightning; it's all up to you."

Obi-Wan shakes his head, not noticing Han Solo sneaking up behind him. "I simply cannot must the necessary rage to complete this technique. It is not just in my nature."

However at that moment, Han Solo takes a giant wooden paddle with holes drilled into it and he spanks Obi-Wan across the ass with it as hard as he can.

Taken off guard by this, Obi-Wan screams in pain and involuntarily unleashes a barrage of force lightning which strikes both the hotdog stand and the hotdog vendor.

\angrily, Obi-Wan spins around and looks at Han like he just wants to deck him. Han merely smirks that charming smirk and leans the paddle over his shoulder. Even for a peaceful man like Obi-Wan, all that's needed is the proper motivation.

At the computer table, Max reads the data sent from his instruments before the force lightning fried them. "Well, according to this the dummy has exactly one and a quarter seconds before the equipment was fried."

The group all walk up to the stand to smell the scene of charred wieners. The red and yellow umbrella over the hotdog stand is now totally incinerated; nothing left but a charred umbrella skeleton. There is a pile of hotdog buns that are burning like the Olympic flame although the ketchup and mustard appear mostly intact. The dogs themselves are a charred mess and the dummy looks no better.

A casual observer would think that lightning hit here. Armand inspects a gauge on the side of the dummy. "According to this baby, this dummy suffered a shock of at least two million volts. He's looking at tissue damage, stopping of the heart and extreme pain; he's dead."

Zeratul points out the weakness of force lightning. "_High voltage it may be, but this petty power is low current; Kerrigan would easily shrug it off." _

Back at the fight club, the guys discuss psionics vs. the Force. "The implode attack was definitely the most lethal attack," says Max.

"True, but it took at least three seconds to kill a human target; for Anakin that may as well be a month," Geoff points out.

"Another thing to consider is the ease with which Obi-Wan took control of the hydralisk," Armand raises a point. "During battle, turning a hydralisk against Kerrigan may well affect the outcome."

"Ultimately, those psionic techniques were good for heavily armoured terrans or vehicles, but against a fast Jedi they'd be less effective," Geoff sums up.

It's a close call but eventually the gang reach a consensus.

Edge: Force Powers.

Announcer: _It's two for two for team Skywalker but there is still a fortune to be won and lost and Team Kerrigan are bringing their A-game. _

The camera then shows Zeratul wildly and passionately playing the drums. The Dark Templar works wonders with the drumsticks as he plays out the drum solo from Led Zeppelin's _Moby Dick_. Everyone is impressed as the psychic alien goes loco on the drum kit.

Not to be outdone, Han Solo pulls out the electric guitar and starts shredding licks. Unfortunately, as Han starts playing out the guitar solo from Iron Maiden's _Aces High_, one of the guitar strings snaps in half and he must cease rocking. "Ah, damn it." Han curses.

Obi-Wan gently pats Han on the shoulder. "It's alright old man; your rocking days are long gone." He gently ribs his companion. It's his way of getting back at Han for the paddle thing.

Han just grumbles at the Jedi but goes to change the snapped guitar string.

Announcer: _And onto the firing range!_

This time, Han Solo and Jim Raynor are taking the lead. Each of the two rogues are holding a formidable looking gun.

Jim holds up his weapon. "The c-10 mark six rifle, easily one of the best weapons known in the Terran Confederacy."

Never one to be outdone, Han holds up his weapon. "The DC-15A blaster rifle, the smuggler's choice for shooting law enforcement and other smugglers."

Geoff looks around at the rugged desert terrain. "Gentlemen, your job is to prove that your gun is deadliest and in this random desert you can go nuts."

This news sounds like good news for both Han and Jim.

Announcer: _For a comparison, a targeting range has been set up and Jim and Han will be times to see who takes down the targets first. _

Han and Jim have been set up on two parallel ranges. Each one has five targets, three of which are mobile. The dummies that Han is shooting at are dressed up in the armour of the Terran confederacy while Jim's targets are decked out in clone trooper armour.

The smuggler and the mercenary are both lying down on the ground; each of their weapons is propped up on a bipod.

Very quickly, the motorized dummies start rolling and it's not long before Max gives the countdown. "Experts, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Almost simultaneously, Han and Jim pull the triggers of their respective weapons. A thunderous bang comes from the barrel of Jim's sniper rifle. The energy charged bullet explodes from out of it cartridge, travels down the barrel and begins to zoom towards the first dummy in bullet time.

The effect is devastating; the energy infused projectile goes right through the head of a mobile dummy and then goes right through a giant metal tank obstacle before finally going right through the chest of another dummy.

By contrast, Han's gun lets off a barrage of blaster bolts that vaporize one dummy on wheels. The foam construct melts like it's been put in a giant microwave but Han doesn't spend time admiring his kill; almost immediately he's firing at the other dummies.

As Han targets the mobile dummies, he shoots right through the metal tank obstacles, cutting them right in half.

At the same time, Jim Raynor is reloading his gun. He loses valuable time to Han doing this. The slow moving dummies and stationary ones are no match for the marksmanship of Solo and Raynor and in under a minute there's nothing left but ruin.

Just when Jim and his rival think it's over when a little surprise shows up to greet them. A giant hydralisk explodes from a hidden trap door in the desert and charges straight at the two men. It's the very same hydralisk that Obi-Wan controlled using animal befriend.

Before the beast can make sliced deli meat of the men, they open up with a furious force. A barrage of blaster bolts strikes the hydralisk in the chest and blows off a scythe tipped arm. Stopped dead in its tracks but not dead, the creature hisses in pain.

Meanwhile, Jim Raynor flips his weapon into full automatic mode and unleashes holy hell. The rain of bullets strikes the hydralisk and blows it apart like a Slurpee hitting a car windshield on the highway. A single bullet would have killed it; Han's blaster fire would have ended the monster in seconds but Jim Raynor knows that when it comes to zerg there is no such thing as overkill.

Standing over the remains of the hydralisk and the ruined dummies, there simply isn't enough left over for Armand to examine so the experts turn to high speed camera footage. Max's computer screen immediately shows footage of Han and Jim shooting their weapons.

Geoff points at the screen. "I notice that Jim gets quite a bit of recoil from his gun, even with the bipod; Han has none whatsoever."

"I noticed that Jim lost valuable time to reload; given that the blaster has a clip size of five hundred at minimum power it gives him a real edge," says Armand.

Max however points out the flaws in their arguments. "That's true, but Jim made up time for reloading by switching his weapon to full automatic."

He scrolls through the footage to find images of Jim killing the hydralisk. "Also, his weapon did much more damage to the hydralisk than the DC-15A; not to mention that his gun has a maximum range two kilometers longer than the clone trooper weapon."

It takes much sifting through data and discussion but eventually Geoff voices the group's opinion. "While it was a close match, the c-10 takes the edge because it's much deadlier on the first shot, able to kill a tank crew inside of a vehicle with a single shot."

Edge: c-10 mark VII

Announcer: _When it comes to war, both Anakin and Sarah bring on the fireworks with these lethal explosives: the spider mine and the thermal detonator. _

Once more this round of testing is taken up by the resident non force sensitive and non-psionic. Han Solo has a small spherical object in his hand and he tosses it up and down nonchalantly. Jim stands next to a box of mines which look rather ordinary except for the fact that they have four stubby legs attached to them. Each spider mine is roughly the size of a hub cap and Jim holds up one high for the camera.

Jim explains his weapon first. "This here is the spider mine, one of the few technologies left over from The Long sleep."

"This is a self-directed area denial ordinance. They dig themselves into the ground and then cover themselves up, after that a motion detector causes the mine to dig itself out where it will run over to the target and kill it."

Jim hefts the mine into one hand and starts to throw it up and down like a Frisbee. "The mines are also capable of sharing sensory information, making it harder to navigate through a minefield."

Obi-Wan looks over the design of the spider man. "Such a crude design," he remarks as he examines the mine's stubby legs. It doesn't look like this thing could run very fast.

Han just laughs at Jim's choice of explosive weapon. "Nice Joy Jim," he taunts. "I think I saw a crate of those when Jabba the Hutt was having a yard sale."

Zeratul points to the hand held bomb that Han is holding. "_And what do you call this device?_"

The old smuggler flashes his trademark smile and extolls the virtue of the thermal detonator. "This is the thermal detonator and I love it because it's been outlawed by over a dozen interstellar governments for more years than anybody can shake a stick at."

Han turns the device over in his hand and holds his thumb to the activator control. "Everything that's good in life is illegal, always remember that."

"That's a nice Christmas ornament," Jim Raynor mocks, "but our device has got a lot more of a kick to it."

Han scoffs at this. "Yeah right, after seeing a field of spider mines fight each other like brawlers at a hoverball match I think I'll stick with the thermal detonator."

At this, Obi-Wan grabs the thermal detonator from Han's hands and starts to explain it a bit himself. "The thermal detonator contains a synthetic element called baradium, which when exposed to a short burst of energy undergoes fission and explodes."

"Not only does it produce a great deal of heat but the radioactive cascade that's formed is highly effective against shields and droids."

Zeratul sees the flaw in Obi-Wan's logic. "_The Zerg use neither shields nor droids. Their dense exoskeletons provide them enormous shielding from radiation and zerg armies have been recorded patrolling in radioactive hot areas as little as two weeks after an atomic detonation._"

Ever the sportsman, Obi-Wan is willing to put their weapons to the test. "Well then my dark friend; let's determine which weapon is most effective."

Back at the desert testing area, Jim Raynor is seen burying a spider mine. Several mounds in the arid soil indicate that there are over a dozen spider mines present. Not long afterwards, Jim Raynor grabs his shovel and runs over to the testing area.

Announcer: _As a target, a dummy on a Vulture hover bike will sacrifice itself for the viewer's pleasure. _

The dummy in question doesn't seem to be any ordinary dummy; rather, it seems to be Buster from _Mythbusters_. The _Deadliest Warrior _crew ran out of foam dummies so they gave Jamie and Adam a call.

The camera does a close-up of Buster on the vulture, with Jamie and Adam standing on either side of the hover bike. Jamie stands with the same expression behind his walrus moustache while Adam wears a Terran Soldier's helmet and impersonates Zeratul. (Said in deep Protoss type voice) "Buster, I have pierced the veil of the future and I have seen oblivion . . . for you, have fun."

Buster sits on the hover bike and Jamie speaks into the camera. "Don't do this at home, we're what you all "professionals."

Geoff gives the countdown. "Alright, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . CHARGE!"

Immediately, the vulture swoops forward in the direction of the spider mines. When the fast moving vehicle is within thirty feet of the mines, they spring into action. Like a striking predator, one of the mines pops out of the earth and runs at the bike with greater than its stubby legs would seem capable of.

In an instant, a colossal explosion rocks the world and the vulture along with the dummy are blown to bits. The Mythbusters howl and cheer as chunks of Buster land here and yonder.

Before anyone can speak though, something unexpected happens. From out of the desert the Wiley Coyote is chasing the roadrunner. The roadrunner happily beep-beeps and leads the coyote along on a merry chase.

The roadrunner runs along the buried mines but nothing happens, Wiley isn't so lucky. A dozen spider mines come out of the ground and detonate on the poor coyote. The air is filled with the smell of barbecued coyote and in a split second, Wiley's barbecues head lands right next to Buster's.

It's a gruesome sight that makes even Zaratul's eyes widen.

The camera shifts to the roadrunner. "_Beep-beep_," Goes the bird, before giving the middle finger to the coyote's charred remains. Then with a hop, the mischievous and possibly sadistic bird is gone.

Announcer: _As twisted as that was, the show must go on! _

Three rigs have been set up as three wooden cut-outs. One rig had a silver sphere hanging from it; a thermal detonator.

On a rig ten feet away is a pig carcass, the closest naturally occurring analogue to human flesh. On another rig ten more feet away is a second pig carcass. After that spaced out ten feet each are a series of wooden cut-outs shaped like humanoids. They will be there to measure any shrapnel generated by the bomb.

Some distance away, Obi-Wan holds up a remote control detonator for the bomb.

As an afterthought, Geoff sets up an old washing machine

At last, it's time for the countdown to begin. Max holds the stopwatch. "Obi, are you ready?"

"Affirmative," shouts Obi-Wan, who earlier took the time to demonstrate to everyone the proper technique for putting on safety goggles.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BLOW IT!"

Obi-Wan presses the button and then magic happens. For a split second it's just a silvery sphere, then the thermal detonator goes up in a flash of bright light and concussive force. Dust is thrown everywhere and the desert soil is melted into glass.

The nearest pig carcass doesn't stand a chance. At first there is a flash as the fat in the pig's skin catches fire, then the whole thing just blows apart in a huge cloud of ash. The head is so intense that even the bones of the pig don't survive.

At a distance of thirty feet away, three of the wooden cut-outs combust and if they were human they'd be running around screaming and rolling on the ground.

The team goes to inspect the damage. Armand looks at the melted rig that holds the first pig. "This guy is dead. If he's alive after being burned to cinders then he'd automatically win any matchup or fight."

They go to examine the second pig. The whole thing is blackened and it hardly even looks like a pig anymore. Armand pokes at the pig and immediately recoils; the burnt pig flesh is still very hot.

Cursing himself for his foolishness, Armand goes into his medical kit and beings to pull out scissors, scalpel and tongs.

He takes a pair of scissors and then indicates the eyes of the pig, or where eyes were before the whole thing went up in smoke like election promises. "The initial flash would have charbroiled the eyes in their sockets; not fatal but crippling and painful."

Armand then begins to open up the pig carcass. The pleasant smell of bacon is everywhere and everyone present just seems to be enjoying it.

Finally comes Armand's assessment. "Well, this guy doesn't just have third degree burns. He has fourth degree burns." The good doctor elaborates, "That's where the muscle itself is cooked under the skin."

Han nods at this. "That's why clone troopers and modern stormies wear the white armour; it saves 'em from thermal heat blasts."

"The doctor's not done talking yet," says Jim.

After examining the bodies further Armand reaches a verdict. "Well, it's definitely a lethal weapon; my only concern with it is that it creates no shrapnel damage."

He points at the now blackened wooden figures. "Those figures are damaged but the level of fire damage is not lethal. With a shrapnel grenade none of those men would be walking."

Back at the fight club, the three hosts review the data of the final weapon.

"I love the thermal detonator," says Max as he picks up a plate of roasted pork chops.

"Agreed," says Geoff, who swallows a bite of pork. "The thermal detonator made this meat extra tender but I'll have to give it to the spider mine due to the shrapnel damage and greater blast radius

Armand takes a bite of a vegetarian sandwich, no pork for him.

Suddenly, somebody shouts "Rogue mine! Look out!"

Everyone suddenly hits the deck as a rogue spider mine runs across the table. There is no telling when the malignant machine will blow.

Obi-Wan is about to use the force on the awful device but Zeratul beats him to the punch. A cloud of deep blackness encloses around the mine . . . and then there's no sign of it anywhere.

Obi-Wan turns and smiles at Zeratul. "Nice save, my dark friend."

Zeratul graciously bows his head towards Obi-Wan. "_No need for thanks, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi." _

Announcer: _With the testing complete, the moment of truth has arrived. _

Max gives a short laydown of the battle. "Much like we did with the Attila and Alexander match, each fighter will have two elite guards with them. Anakin will have two clone troopers and Kerrigan will have two hydralisks."

Suddenly Zeratul appears from behind Max in his customary cloud of shadow. "_Your computer simulation will be inaccurate, you must construct additional pylons._"

"Go away!" yells Max. "We've got enough pylons here without your help!"

At last, after shooing away Zeratul, Max hits the enter button and the game begins.

Simulation:

_Location-The Dark Moon_

It is a dark moon indeed, unnamed and desolate; this tiny moon is well out of the way of the Protoss, the Terran Confederacy and their mutual enemy the newly minted Galactic Empire.

From the ashes of the Brood War and the furnace of the Clone Wars, both the Zerg Horde and the Galactic Empire have grown stronger than ever; their armies stronger than anything this galaxy or the one far, far away has seen in millennia.

By the same token, the Protoss are weakened, their fleets scattered and their matriarch dead. The Terran Confederacy is reeling from fighting off both the Zerg hordes and the equally numerous armies of the Separatist movement.

To make matters worse, an ancient Protoss prophecy has anticipated the return and resurgence of the Xel'naga. This alien race who seeded multiple galaxies with life awakens from their long slumber, but whether they come to save or destroy is a far less clear matter.

Word of the return of the Gods has reached both the ears of the spymasters of the Terran confederacy and of the megalomaniacal Palpatine. Unwilling to allow this new threat to unseat him from the imperial throne, the man secretly known as Lord Sidious dispatches his apprentice to investigate the ancient ruins on the dark moon.

In a dark temple many kilometers underneath the surface of the moon, the shadows hide many secrets. Along a narrow, twisting path two figures walk. Bone white armour and black painted guns gleam in the light thrown off by their glow sticks; a perception filter acts as the perfect camouflage.

The trooper's helmet scanners meticulously record the glyphs and carvings on the stone walls, recording them for further study later. When they are done, they will hand over the data recordings to a man who was once a hero.

A shifting of pebbles alerts the troopers that they are not alone. Indeed, from out of the darkness, the glowing eyes and glistening teeth of a hydralisk shine through. The beast is hungry and it would love nothing more than juicy clone flesh to munch on; a little plaz armour will be nothing to its monomolecular blades and strong jaws.

In another part of the vast caverns lies a republic shuttle, surrounded by Ghosts and with weapons trained on it. The Ghosts are aware of who is in the ship and prepare accordingly for it. Cloaked in such a manner as to be hidden from a force sensitive, one ghost clambers nimbly onto the side of the ship and inserts a gas canister into a weak point in the ship's hull. Inside the gas canister is a nerve gas which kills by inhalation and skin contact; ideal for killing force users who may be invulnerable to more conventional weapons.

Scans and psionic inference indicate that the pilot of the shuttle has not left the cockpit, although there is a sudden spike in heat.

In seconds, the deadly nerve gas starts to pump through the ship . . . and then the sensory scans turn up blank and psionic detection goes blind. The commander of the squadron of Ghosts is confused; it's as if the target teleported out of there.

Using hand signals rather than telepathic communication, the ghost on the hull is commanded to plant a more powerful scanner/tracking device on the hull. As the spectral psionic assassin prepares the scanner, something most profound happens.

The main hatch of the shuttle bursts open and out comes a giant white blob that engulfs the Terrans in its sticky embrace. Shocked, the Ghosts are too disciplined to shout or cry out as they struggle to free themselves.

As they pull themselves out, they see that it is not some alien blog but merely extinguishing foam. The commander looks at the foam and uses his psionic abilities to scan the composition of the metallic foam. All the usual ingredients are there, except for something that has the exact same molecular structure as the nerve gas they pumped the ship with.

Too late, the Ghost commander breaks the silence with a deafening psionic command. "_GET OUT OF THERE, NOW!_"

One of the Ghosts actually does scream as the blade of a lightsabre shoots out of her sternum and slices downwards. The blade vanishes and another Ghost is pulled into the dense foam.

The rest of the black ops psychics manage to extricate themselves from the sticky, entrapping foam and open fire with their c-10 mk. VII's.

Bullets charged with energy pepper the sticky foam and do little damage. All of the sudden, a foam covered body flies from the morass with great speed and knocks over to of the Ghosts. It's the corpse of one of the ghosts killed.

Hot on the heels of said corpse is a man wrapped up in durable plastic wrap to protect him from the nerve toxic laden foam. The Ghosts suit offer protection from the now lethal foam but it doesn't offer them any protection from the wrath of one of the most powerful force users in the galaxy.

Swinging his lightsabre to and fro, Anakin slices the arms off one ghost, decapitates another and disembowels a third. Their guns are no match for him as he uses his lightsabre to block the tank killing rounds from their projectile weapons.

The last Ghost attempts to flee, only to find his lungs crushed by a force choke.

With the last of the pests taken care of, Anakin throws off the plastic wrap to reveal voluminous brown robes. It hasn't been long since his inception into the Sith, and he's much work to do.

Anakin spirits through the dark caverns, nothing but his lightsabre to provide light. As he walks, his footsteps are totally silent; a feather landing makes more noise.

Gradually he walks to where the clone troopers last reported from; he'd lost contact with them once he set off the foam to counteract the poison gas. To his mild surprise, he finds one of the clone troopers appears to have been torn to pieces and half eaten. The still living trooper shouts something to Anakin but he doesn't get to elaborate.

Without warning, the trooper's limbs go stiff and he drops his weapon to the ground. A moment later, there is a pop noise; like a chestnut bursting over an open fire. That's the sound of a psionic attack causing the clone trooper's head to explode.

Anakin scans the cave with more than just his eyes and ears but he turns up nothing. Lightsabre still burning, Anakin goes to examine the dead clones, although he frequently looks up for an incoming attack. The body of a dead hydralisk is nearby and there will be more.

To Anakin's real surprise, the body of the first dead clone trooper wasn't killed by a hydralisk. If he didn't know any better, he'd say that the bite marks going through the flesh and bone of the trooper were from human like teeth.

The sound of a hungry hydralisk approaching causes Anakin to stand up and get into the battle position of Vaapad lightsabre form. The hydralisks aren't what worries him though, they are only dogs; he's looking for the one who holds the leash.

The hydralisk leaps for the throat, but screams in pain as the blade of Anakin's lightsabre slices it in half. Like a worm, the two halves writhe and move about. The top half is still trying to kill Anakin, but even a hydralisk is no match for a swift decapitation.

Suddenly he hears it; somebody is laughing, a woman.

From out of the shadows, Anakin can see a pair of burning, glowing eyes. However the owner of those two eyes is far more terrifying than any hydralisk or even an ultralisk.

The eyes flicker like flames and a face makes itself seen in the dim light of Anakin's lightsabre. The face is almost human, save for the eyes; that same could not be said for the creature's body.

Sarah Kerrigan, once a human, now supreme master of the Zerg Swarm. A sardonic sneer twists her beautiful, ghastly features. "I knew you'd find your way here, Palpatine's lapdog."

Anakin says nothing to Kerrigan, this worm is beneath him. If he has something to say to this bitch, he'll say it with his fists, the heel of his boot and the blade of his lightsabre.

"Can you hear them," Kerrigan asks, turning an ear to music that only she can hear. "They are coming, Skywalker," she hisses smoothly. Still, Anakin has nothing to say to her.

Unconcerned, Kerrigan holds up in her hand an object; the severed head of the first dead clone trooper. As easily as plucking a grape, she tears the tongue out of the skull of the dead man and starts to eat it. Her still human like teeth have no problem masticating the human tongue and blood runs down her chin like berry juice.

Her personality may be relatively unchanged but since being infected by the Zerg, Kerrigan is more beast than human. She finishes the tongue and starts to eat an eyeball. "The galaxy will burn," she says flatly through a mouthful of human flesh. Bits of eyeball are stuck between her teeth and her finger tips are bloody.

Anakin merely shifts the grip on his lightsabre to be more comfortable. "A great evil has come to this galaxy," he concurs. "You are looking at him."

Kerrigan laughs again that mirthless chortle. "Don't make me laugh, little man. You are only here because that tin plated dictator couldn't be bothered to do the dirty work himself."

Suddenly and against expectations, Anakin deactivates his lightsabre and vanishes into the shadows. Rebounding quickly, Kerrigan searches into the gloom with her not inconsiderable senses. It's a fight between two predators, both of whom are looking to score first blood.

Something rolls in front of Kerrigan's feet and she does not miss it. Using the power of the force, Anakin rolled the thermal detonator into place and activated the weapon.

Kerrigan doesn't even seem to blink as the detonator beeps once and then goes up in a maelstrom of flame. The fiery explosion for one split second lights up the entire cave, from top to bottom.

From behind a stalagmite, Anakin smirks. He's a powerful warrior, but foolish if he thinks that a single thermal detonator will kill Kerrigan. Before he can enjoy his victory, his force enhanced senses warn him of danger. Coming down right on top of his head are what looks like a million glowing arrows.

Using a burst of force enhanced speed; Anakin narrowly misses the first deadly barbs of the razor storm come down. The razors of energy come down and pin Anakin's long robes to the ground and he throws them off with record speed, the psionic attack shredding the brown fabric as easily as it would human flesh.

Performing several acrobatic leaps, Anakin flees from the razor storm like a man fleeing from a swarm of carnivorous bugs. Nothing is spared; rock, plaz and metal are all shredded by the razor storm. Anakin's shuttle is annihilated, along with the bodies of the clone troopers and the hydralisks; he'll have to find another way off world.

Kerrigan controls the razor storm with the concentration and focus of a master chess player. If this is the chosen one of the Jedi order then it's no wonder Palpatine was able to crush them so easily.

_ZZZZZ_

A smell of burning flesh hits the air as Anakin's lightsabre flies through the air with the aid of the force and stabs Kerrigan in the neck, entering through the back and coming out of her throat.

The Queen of blades gasps as the laser blade burns he flesh. Her concentration flags for an instant but it's enough to give Anakin time to strike. Using a new technique taught to him by the Emperor, he fires a deadly blast of force lightning at Kerrigan.

Enraged by the burning lightsabre scorching her flesh, Kerrigan flashes her teeth in an enraged snarl and blocks the force lightning with both her hands. The same time, she uses her psionic abilities to rip the lightsabre from her throat and fling it directly at Anakin.

Saved by inhuman reflexes, Anakin grabs the hilt of the lightsabre right before it can cut him in twain. Instantly, he stops the force lightning and uses a force choke on Kerrigan.

Kerrigan's lips purse as Anakin places telekinetic power on her lungs and other organs, but instead of bowing to the pain she fights it and increases the force behind Anakin's lightsabre.

Sweat beads across Anakin's brow and his muscles, overdeveloped from over twenty years of discipline and training strain to keep the deadly lightsabre from turning on its master.

For a moment, it looks like Kerrigan has a slight upper hand. Anakin's organic and mechanical hands struggle but though he puts even more force choke on Kerrigan, it only spurs her on; like a bull driven mad by the barbs of a matador.

The fight looks like it's almost over as the lightsabre is almost toughing Anakin's scalp, every fibre and muscle in Anakin's body fights to resist death. From out of the shadows, a lone hydralisk charges.

Letting go of the force choke, he reaches out and takes command of the hydralisk. Shocked by her loyal pet turning on her, Kerrigan only manages to dodge a razor sharp arm, losing a bone wing in the process.

With his lightsabre full back in his control, Anakin leaps into the air like a hawkbat looking for prey.

Throwing the hydralisk aside with her own powerful psionic control, Kerrigan unleashes an implosion on Anakin.

The chosen one of the Jedi ducks and jumps out of range of the deadly gravity well even as it sucks in pieces of rock and debris into itself; crushing them all into oblivion. It's close though; the power of the implosion tore off Anakin's shirt, revealing a muscular chest and powerful shoulders marred by a lifetime of scars from on and off the battlefield.

Fuelled by hate and the power of the darkside, Anakin wishes for nothing more right now than Kerrigan's head on a plate.

Kerrigan unleashes one of her most devastating attacks even as her wing and throat regenerate. The psionic storm is strong enough to kill twenty Jedi and twenty Sith just for extra flavour.

For the first time, Kerrigan seems truly shocked as Anakin uses his lightsabre to cut through the deadly psionic storm that could fry the brains of any organic or inorganic life form.

With a single deadly swipe of his blade, Anakin cuts off Kerrigan's head. The now headless Queen of Blades falls to the ground with a scream which is heard in the mind rather than the ears. The head lands some short distance away from the body, it lands in a pool of blood left from the earlier carnage.

Anakin deactivates his lightsabre and for the first time in a very long time he lets down his guard. The fallen Jedi draws a long, ragged breath. The fight took a great deal from him; the Queen of Blades did not go down easily.

The darkside is powerful but demands a high price. Anakin feels older, drained in more ways than one. His joints hurt in ways that they shouldn't at his young age and there are some lines on his face that weren't there before. Even his prosthetic arm feels a bit worn down. With the aid of a meditative technique taught by the Jedi, Anakin straightens himself and begins to search for the spacecraft used by the Ghosts.

As he leaves, he steps over the downed body of Kerrigan without a second thought, his heavy boot crushing the tip of a bone wing. Walking away, he fails to notice that Kerrigan's severed head isn't dead. On the contrary, the thing is alive and very pissed off. Kerrigan will have her revenge.

Anakin sits in the cockpit of the Ghost's drop ship. The controls are different but he isn't the greatest pilot in the galaxy for nothing.

He flips switches and hits buttons, the craft's engines fire up and all is good to go. Except they don't.

The edge of a bone wing rips through the metal of the cockpit and skewers Anakin through the shoulder. Taken off guard, Anakin screams as a second bone wing opens up the small craft like a tin can.

Using his lightsabre to slice off the bone wing, Anakin prepares to face Kerrigan; but the bitch has evolved.

Larger than the entire spaceship is a huge mass of what looks like nothing but claws, teeth, mouths and eyes; a true biological nightmare that the makers of _Resident Evil_ could only dream of. It's made from those that Kerrigan killed while on this planet.

It's part of Kerrigan's latest experiment to increase her own power and turn herself into a biological goddess. Sitting on top of the whole thirty foot tall monstrosity is Kerrigan's severed head, hastily attached.

Kerrigan just grins; several barbarous looking tentacles wave and poise to strike. It's time for round two.

Just as the two are about to fight, something spectacular happens. The roof of the cavern is blown open by the turbo lasers of an Imperial Star Destroyer.

Kerrigan hardly has time to scream before a powerful turbo laser blows her into nothingness. Anakin winces as she is showered with burnt gore, blood, shit and who knows what else.

Overhead, the searchlights of the Star Destroyer shine on him. He feels slightly offended, he's certain that he could have taken on Kerrigan's enhanced assimilator form.

So Anakin leaves for an important mission on the planet Mustafar, and meanwhile in the darkened caves of the darkened moon, a small pile of blood and gore starts to thicken and take shape. A small head and face start to form, Kerrigan as a personality may be dead but the genetic legacy of the Queen of Blades lives on. The game is not over, not by a long shot.

_**ANAKIN WINS!**_

Anakin Skywalker kills: 517

Lightsabre-215

The Force-210: Force choke-90, animal befriend-50, Sith Lightning-70

Thermal detonator-30

DC-15A Blaster Rifle-52

Sarah Kerrigan kills: 483

Bone Wings-35

Psionic Abilities-183: Psionic storm-100, Razor storm-35, Implosion-48

c-10 mk. VII-164

Spider mine-101

Geoff appears before the camera. "When it comes right down to it, the combination of the force and the lightsabre was just too hard to beat."

Max then appears. "When it came to force powers, the long range of the force choke and the effectiveness of Sith lightning against biological targets like the Zerg really made all the difference. Kerrigan's attacks were better suited to slower, more heavily armoured opponents like the Terrans."

Armand appears, picking up parts from yet another mishap during filming, one that took place off camera. "Kerrigan had the more resilient physiology, but it was no defense against Anakin's lightsabre."

Zeratul appears in all his mysterious glory. "_This episode was unfairly conducted, the hosts needed to build additional pylons._" With that he vanished in a cloud of smoke, causing several light bulbs to burn out.

Off camera Geoff swears at the loss of lighting. "Dammit."

Han Solo and Jim Raynor face off. "Alright, Han my man," says Jim. "Let's do some blow."

Han grins. "I was waiting for you to say that." In no time, Solo and Raynor are snorting cocaine off of a weapons table; Han accidently snorts up a small calibre bullet and starts sneezing and coughing.

_Several Hours later_

Jim Raynor is back on his ship after appearing on the show; he paid good money and got high on coke in the process. As he strolls down the hallway, several light tubes explode and Jim groans. "Dammit Zeratul, we lose more fucking light bulbs this way!"

From the shadows comes a voice. "It's not Zeratul,"

Jim is wary now and reaches for his gun. "Who are you?" he demands.

A cowled figure appears from the shadows. "I'm Batman."

* * *

Ah yes, you know that the hardest part at the end is creating a tally for the weapons kills. It's hard because I don't actually have real psionic powers and lightsabres to test so I'm just making stuff up. Well, don't we all wish that Han Solo and Zeratul were real?

At any rate, I hope that the _StarCraft _fans aren't mad at me. I tried to make this fight as even as possible.

Next time on my story we've got two maniacs going at it. Tyler Durden of _Fight Club_ fame vs. Charlie Bronson, Britain's most violent inmate who named himself after the actor Charles Bronson. Bronson is a real figure but they made a movie of his life so I can write him in fanfiction :D Here is an article about the man. en . wikipedia. org / wiki/Charles_Bronson_(prisoner)#Hostage_incidents

Currently Bronson has spent thirty five years in jail, thirty one years were spent in solitary confinement and he's cost the British penal system a total of ten million pounds in damages and hostage takings. Next time, it'll be the battle of the wackos ;)

This is your truly signing off,

Ta

Master of the Boot


	13. Tyler Durden vs Charlie Bronson

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Tyler Durden vs. Charlie Bronson

Disclaimer: I do not own _Fight Club_ or the movie _Bronson_. This is done for purely entertainment purposes and is not in any making me a buck. It would be sweet if it did though. This fight takes place as of 2010. Also see if you can spot a reference to _American History X _in this_._

* * *

Announcer: _Tyler Durden, founder of the infamous Fight Club and mastermind behind project Mayhem_

The camera shows a sharply dressed man with a dangerous glint in his eyes. Behind him, a whole office building explodes and others follow its example

_A seeming superman whose will can overpower nearly everything, Durden is a living legend_

In the fight club, Durden battles it out with his men, embracing an ideology of blood, pain and machismo.

Announcer: _But is even Tyler Durden a match for Britain's most violent prisoner?_

The camera shows prison guards escorting a muscular man with a moustache and shaved head. The man laughs as the guards haul him down to solitary confinement.

The camera shifts to show the same large, muscular man in a series of still shots.

Announcer: _Charlie Bronson, born Michael Gordon Peterson has spent thirty-four years in prison, thirty years in solitary confinement—_

The pictures flash; Bronson punches a guard in the face while grappling with another, Bronson grabs a fellow con by the throat and slams him against a wall, hostages are menaced by Bronson waving a giant knife, Bronson grins like a maniac as blood splatters his face.

—_and loved every minute of it. _

The camera changes again to show Durden and Bronson standing side by side, like a couple of fighters from an old arcade game.

Stats:

Tyler Durden:

Height-5'9

Weight-170 lbs.

Weapons-glock 19, baseball bat, fire axe, fertilizer bomb

Crimes-homicide, terrorism, sedition, assault with intent to wound

Charlie Bronson:

Height-5'10.5

Weight-210 lbs.

Weapons-sawed off shotgun, hammer, homemade spear, prison riot

Crimes-armed robbery, wounding with intent, wounding, criminal damage, grievous bodily harm, false imprisonment, blackmail, threatening to kill

Announcer: _Black belt and biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will measure the impact of the weapons present_.

"Weapons kill," says Geoff. "It's my job to see which weapon is kills more effectively."

_Computer specialist Max Geiger helms the computer program designed by Slytherin studios which will appraise the two warriors._

"These guys cross the line, they're the kind of men you only read about in psychology textbooks under the chapter about extreme personalities," inserts the resident computer master.

_Armand Dorian, former fight doctor and ER medic will assess the lethality of the wounds. _

"Geoff tells you which weapon is deadlier, I tell you which wound is deadlier. It's as simple as that," says the medic as he gathers up tools for the upcoming episode.

Announcer: _These two maniacs have never fought each other before. If they were to battle one another, who would prevail?_

The screen flashes to show a scene of Bronson and Tyler fighting each other with fist, tooth and nail.

_A battle between the man everyone wants to be_

Lighting up a cigarette, Tyler Durden casually flips a switch on a detonator and blows up a city building.

_Versus someone that nobody wants to fuck with_

Bronson brutally beats a fellow inmate into a stain for disrespecting his mop and bucket.

_A fight between mayhem_

Tyler Durden fights a man in a brawl, but every time he gets a hit he just smiles and keeps on going

_And madness_

Bronson wrestles with a guard, sinking his teeth into the man's cheek and attempting to rip the screaming man's face off.

Announcer: _all in the quest to decide finally_

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

Announcer: _Representing Tyler Durden are borderline personality Marla Singer, Durden's main squeeze and the nameless narrator from the move Fight club. For the sake of convenience and to protect his privacy, we'll name him "Joe." _

Marla appears before the camera. She looks like a washed out wanna-be Goth with too much masquera who's chain-smoking like it's going out of fashion. "Tyler Durden will win this fight because . . . ah fuck it; I just want my money when this thing is done." She throws her cigarette to the ground and lights up another one. Next to her is a giant oil drum which seems to be completely filled with nothing but cigarette butts.

Then Joe the narrator appears before the camera. Unlike Marla he seems quite enthusiastic about this. "I'll tell you why Tyler Durden will win; because he's fucking Tyler Durden. He could kick Jackie Chan's ass. He could beat those flue fags from the move _Avatar_. He could convince Neo to give up, never mind that "because I choose to" bullshit. He could kill superman with a glance and make lesbians go straight. He could—

And he keeps going on and on like this. Next to him, Marla rolls her eyes and the camera cuts him off in mid speech.

Announcer: _Representing Charlie Bronson are two lowlifes from the seedy underworld of London. _

Before the camera appears a bald man that despite his advanced years, looks like he could easily drown a much younger man in the toilet or else beat him to death.

_Lenny McLean, known as the "Guv'nor" is Britain's greatest bareknuckle boxer and an associate of Charlie Bronson._

"I fought with Charlie and got to know him quite well," says Lenny with a thick but charming accent. "Charlie is a sweet and kind man, until you get him angry."

Lenny cracks his knuckles and elaborates. "With his bare hands, Charlie killed a one hundred and fifty pound Rottweiler, on two separate fights because nobody would fight him. When Charlie is good, he's very good. When Charlie is bad, he's extremely fucking bad."

_During his brief career as a bareknuckle boxer in London's East End, Charlie was represented by boxing promoter Paul Daniels._

The camera then shows a laid back Englishman in a track suit who may or may not be gay. Paul is a distinct figure with black gloves and a cigarette; unlike Marla he seems to be taking the time to enjoy his smoke.

"Charlie didn't earn the title of _Britain's Most Violent Prisoner _for nothing, darling," Paul quips in a dry voice. "Prison is where he thrived; it's where he found an audience."

Now that the experts have spoken, it's time to see what the hosts think of this match.

Geoff appears with his view. "I'm going to give this to Tyler. He's every man's fantasy; all badassery and no responsibility."

Armand has a different view. "I have to give the initial edge to Charlie for the reason of sheer physical power alone. He holds six world records for physical strength and he's even bent the bars of his prison cell during his prime."

Max spins around in his swivel chair to face the camera. "Personally, I think these guys are going to both kill each other. Tyler never backs down from a fight and Bronson never retreats. When an immoveable object meets an unstoppable force, both get killed."

Announcer: _To get the ball rolling we test firearms, Charlie's double barrelled shotgun vs. Tyler Durden's Glock 19 9mm. _

Joe shows up in front of the camera, finally done his gushing fan boy speech about Tyler's virility. In his hand he holds up a small, easily concealable pistol with skate tape wrapped around the handle in strips for extra grip in less than ideal conditions.

"Behold the Glock 19 subcompact pistol, one of the most popular guns ever sold and made in the United States of America," Joe extolls. "Tyler Durden likes this pistol because it's a criminal's gun; easy to conceal and easy to find ammo for."

Joe pulls back the slide and ejects the magazine. "The gun barrel uses a female type of polygonal rifling with a right hand twist."

Geoff asks a question for all the non-gun nuts out there. "So what does that mean?"

"It means that instead of having grooves cut into the inside of the barrel like a rifle, the barrel of the Glock is hexagonal shaped on the inside. That way the thickness of the barrel isn't compromised."

"What other benefits does this pistol have?" Max asks.

"Well it's not the most accurate gun out there but the nine millimetre bullets it uses are highly controllable and you can get great grouping on the double tap and it's extremely reliable."

Lenny McLean is not impressed by the Glock. "I've got shit bigger than that gun," he says.

"Well put, darling," says Paul, taking a lazy puff of his cigarette.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it," Marla says between puffs of her umpteenth cigarette.

Announcer: _to test the Glock, a mock-up of a prison cafeteria has been set up with real food. _

In the desert area for firearms testing there is a table with four dummies dressed in orange inmate jumpers. Some distance behind the table is a mock-up of a counter where dummies dressed like cooks pretend to prepare shitty food for the inmate's consumption. Steam rises up from pans of beans and gruel and something that by god looks like it came out of an animal's ass.

Joe stands with the glock fully loaded. Geoff calls over to him, "Joe, we're on a schedule!"

Joe pulls back the slide assembly of the gun and flicks off the safety. "I'm ready!" he yells

Geoff gives the countdown. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Without further encouragement, Joe takes a bead and fires off three rounds at the first dummy. From under the dummy's garment red begins to pool. He shifts his name and begins to bust caps into the asses of the other dummies sitting at the table. One dummy with its back to Joe takes a bullet right between the shoulder blade and another gets a shoulder shot. A bullet goes wide.

With the table dummies taken care of, Joe then spends his remaining bullets on the lunch lady dummies. Two bullets go wide and splatter fried beans and gruel everywhere. The camera then very clearly records a dummy taking a bullet between its vacant eyes.

Though it seems like it's been forever, the test has only taken a few seconds and Joe's gun runs empty.

Armand and the crew walk up to assess the destruction. Armand points to the dummy who took one to the shoulders. "This guy is dead due to close proximity of the bullet to the heart."

Armand looks at the second dummy on the table. "This guy got hit in the spine and he's paralyzed but he's not in any immediate danger of dying."

Paul lights a new smoke and gives Joe a wry glance. "Boom, headshot-not, darling."

"Shut up," says Joe.

Armand points to the two dummies on the other side of the table. "Both of these guys have taken bullets dead center to the chest, where you want to deliver for an instant kill."

His gloved finger points to the neck of one of the dummies. "You've got a nick here; didn't even hit any arteries."

"But he's already dead," Marla deadpans.

Finally the group goes to examine the lunch lady dummies. "Headshot," says Geoff. No need for a fancy medical degree there.

"Boom," Max adds with a smile.

Armand inspects the last dummy. "Well, you've got a graze shot here and a bullet wound just above the armpit. This would is a slow kill. The guy will be in a lot of pain but it may be an hour or more before he finally dies of his injuries."

"So," says Max. "Team Durden has got four definite kills, one questionable kill and one wound. What has Team Bronson got to say to that?"

Lenny smiles, his broad features contorting. "We have just the thing, guv."

Announcer: _The sawed off shotgun, the weapon that Charlie used to pull off his first ever crime_.

The camera shows a scene of a twenty year old Charlie robbing a post office for twenty-six pounds and eighteen pence.

In the same desiccated area, Lenny the Guv'nor holds a reliable sawed off double barrelled shotgun in his hands. His description is not too technical but it really educates and entertains.

"I bought this shotgun from a bird named Honest John; if I find that he ripped me off I'm gonna snap his neck and stick his head up his fucking ass."

One of Lenny's large hands reaches and taps the tip of the barrels. "I used a hacksaw to cut down this gun so's that I could conceal it under my coat and when I shoot it I like to use a double ought buckshot load."

At last he gingerly caresses the stock. "This gun has a walnut stock and it even had a cleaning kit thrown in for free. And because it's hammerless I can shoot it right away."

"Come on," says Joe. "That gun has a shorter range than ours. We'll kill you from a mile off."

Lenny doesn't think highly of Joe's lip. "At any range your little gun will just piss a man off. Our gun will blow a man out of his boots."

Announcer: _Like Joe, Lenny will be timed to kill six targets in a recreation environment. _

This time the setting is of an office building, like the one where Joe works at; spending all day thinking about how his mother stifled him and wishing he could be like Tyler and ignoring the fact that better jobs can be found across the street. There are four dummies at a conference table and two dummies standing behind a receptionist counter.

Lenny doesn't bother to put his earphones on; he's already begun to lose his hearing. His beefy hands load two shells into the gun.

"Lenny, are you ready?" Geoff shouts.

In reply, Lenny snaps the shotgun closed and takes aim.

Countdown is given. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . BLAST THEM!"

Lenny squeezes the trigger and the boom of the shotgun sounds like a cannon's retort. The nearest dummy has its head blown into chunks. From the devastation, fake blood splatters all over everything in impressionist patterns.

A split second passes by before the second dummy takes a blast to the chest. Fake blood goes flying and papers on the desk are scattered to the four winds.

Lenny must stop and reload; he loses valuable time as he pops out the shells and expertly inserts two more in a time saving technique.

Two more gunshots in close succession and blood is leaked all over the place as stationary is blown away.

Reloading once more, the Guv'nor takes aim at the receptionist dummies. Buckshot strikes the dummy in the chest but the effect is nowhere near as dramatic or pronounced; courtesy of the increased distance. The second dummy gets struck down in similar fashion and just for show, Lenny loads one more time and shoots down the prop telephone that was sitting next to the receptionist dummy.

When the gun smoke clears, Paul claps for his partner. "Bravo, love," the possibly gay Englishman says.

"Thanks," Lenny replies.

Still holding their weapons, the two teams of experts follow the hosts as they go to check the dummies.

Armand looks at the first two dummies. "Nothing with a hold that big blown into it is coming back; two instant kills."

He looks at the other two nearby dummies. "Those are also dead; at this range the shotgun is totally deadly."

They walk over to the far off receptionist dummies. Armand inspects the blood soaked patterns on the shirts. "This is a bit more problematic." At this, everyone gives the doctor their full attention, even Marla. "These dummies here are pretty much standing at the very outer limit of the shotgun's lethal range."

Geoff fills in a bit of information. "That's right, for every foot you cross the buckshot spreads out by one inch."

"That's right," says Armand, "and these two dummies are not instant kills. Granted, the buckshot did hit some major arteries in both of them but it's not instant kills."

"So four instant kills and two slow kills," Max surmises. "It's still better than the glock."

"Yeah, but our gun has longer range," Marla points out.

"True," Geoff says, "not to mention that larger clip size should be a factor."

After some deliberation the edge is decided. Armand announcer, "We normally don't do it this way but due to advantages in range and clip size, the edge goes to the glock.

Lenny curses while Paul acts nonchalant.

Edge: Glock 19

Announcer: _In this match both fighters bring deadly close quarters weapons with them. _

The camera shows footage of Tyler Durden with a baseball bat. He takes the bat and drives it straight forward into a man's sternum. While the man is down gasping for air, Durden swings the bat overhead and cracks the man's skull just as he looks up.

The scene changes once more and shows Bronson brutally stabbing a man in the back with the claws of a hammer. Violently, he rips the weapon from the man's back and just leaves him there to bleed.

In the fluorescent lights of the fight club, Paul stands with a hammer. It's a nice looking hammer with a wooden handle and stainless steel head. "Most people use hammers for nails, love. Charlie uses a hammer for skulls, bones and just about anything breakable."

Paul turns and gives a look to Joe and Marla. "Since we don't play baseball in the lovely old United Kingdom," he puts emphasis on the word "united."

"We have to use whatever we can to get the job done."

"Yeah right," exclaims Joe. "Our weapon has longer range."

Paul winks at Joe. "To use the popular expression; it's not the size but how you use it, darling."

Announcer: _Set up for Paul to kill is a dummy made from ballistics gel; designed specifically to simulate human flesh, bone and organs. _

On screen, Geoff and Max strap motion sensors to Paul's wrist and the hammer. Meanwhile, Armand yanks the cigarette from Paul's mouth because he doesn't support smoking in any way, shape or form. Luckily, Paul doesn't use the hammer on Armand.

At last, Paul is ready to do some killing.

Geoff gives the countdown. "Paul, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FOR THE QUEEN!"

Paul swings the hammer down, right on top of the skull. The blow shatters the skull and the business end of the hammer punches deep into the brain tissue. Not finished yet, Paul yanks the hammer from the skull and swings sideways with the claws.

The claws of the hammer go in sideways through the temple and come out the eye.

Pulling backwards, Paul tears out the eye and severely rips through the tin bone of the temple area. Showing surprising strength for a man of his laid back demeanour, Paul swings again and strikes with the hammer right on the sternum. The hosts and guests can all hear the sound of bone breaking.

As a coup de grace, Paul runs behind the dummy and hooks the claws into the hole he created on the first strike. Pulling back as hard as he can, there is a temporary delay and then the whole top of the skull comes off like a stuck on jar lid.

Finally done with the slaughter, Paul pulls out another cigarette and inhales a deep breath of cancer causer.

As he walks back to the testing booth, Lenny gives him a pat on the shoulder.

Armand is shown inspecting the carnage. "The first hit was immediately fatal, although it failed to break the neck."

He then points to the eye socket. "While cripplingly painful and dramatic, this wasn't a kill; at best it would have blinded this guy and torn out the optic nerve."

Geoff points to the damage at the sternum. "How did that blow do?"

"This is an interesting strike," says Armand. "Depending how much force goes into it, this guy could be looking at a collapsed lung or even a ruptured lung; which will require immediate medical attention."

"There is also the possibility of bruising of the heart muscle, which can lead to irregular heartbeat or death. From this one hit alone, I'd say that this guy has a forty to twenty five percent chance of death."

"But it's not an instant kill," Marla blurts.

"Yeah," says Joe, "We'll show you what a real weapon looks like.

At that, Marla yanks the baseball bat from Joe's hand and says. "Give me that." Joe backs off from the angry woman as she rolls her eyes at him. "Homo," she mocks. She likes Tyler Durden much better than she likes Joe.

Announcer: _To test the killing power of the baseball bat, Marla is given a live zombie to get to work on. _

Marla stands before a zombie which is chained from every limb. She's changed out of her dress into a gothic version of a baseball player's uniform. With the cigarette in her mouth and the baseball bat she looks like a really slutty female athlete. She's not afraid of the zombie though, no matter how much it gnashes its teeth and moans at her; she's had worse boyfriends in the past than this.

Max takes the stopwatch and gives Marla the countdown. "Okay Marla, you go medieval on this guy's ass in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . NOW!"

Swinging as hard as she can, Marla decides to draw this out a bit. She swings first at the zombie's knee. The bone shatters like glass and the zombie would topple except for the chains holding the ghoul in place.

Winding back for another one, Marla strikes the zombie across the chest; making a massive impression across the ribs with bone breaking force.

The gaunt woman swings a few more times at the zombie in order to get out some of her frustration. She swings with such fury that she ever loses her cigarette. At last when she's had enough and the zombie is nearly broken to bits she hits it in the head. The strike completely blows open the zombie's head like a melon and undead brain matter splatters all over the floor.

Everyone applauds and cheers for Marla, even Paul and the Guv'nor are quite impressed by her display. Even Joe claps for her, although he seems slightly hesitant. For the first time, Marla smiles; she found killing that zombie to be quite therapeutic. She ought to start a fight club for girls; no lipstick and no weapons.

Armand goes to examine the dead zombie. "Well head wound aside, the damage to the ribs is much greater than it was with the hammer; leading to a much greater chance of pulmonary damage and cardiac failure."

He points at the zombie's mangled knee. "That's an agonizing strike and the bone is in such a sorry state that he's likely going to need his leg to be amputated."

"You're pretty good at this, Marla," says Geoff. "You should consider joining up with the STARS team from Raccoon City."

Marla smiles once more but takes her time getting another cigarette. "Thanks," Paul does her a courtesy and lights her smoke.

"Don't mention it, love," Paul replies smoothly.

With that business taken care of, the guys examine the data.

"Well there's no doubt," Max exclaims. "The hammer is lethal beyond any shadow of a doubt and I certainly wouldn't want Bronson charging me with one."

"That's right Max," says Geoff. "But when you get right down to it, the baseball bat is America's criminal melee weapon of choice for a reason."

"Definitely," Armand mentions, "I wouldn't want to get either of those weapons to the groin but if I had to pick I'd take the hammer; edge baseball bat."

Announcer: _At the halfway point, tempers are already flaring and belief is put to the test._

Joe appears before the camera. "I've got nothing but respect for Charlie Bronson, but he's got one very big disadvantage over Tyler Durden. Charlie Bronson has never killed anybody, not a soul."

Lenny McLean appears before the camera. "That is true, Charlie's never killed anyone. Instead of killing you he prefers to break your skull and leave you lying in a pool of your own blood and piss."

Announcer: _Originally a soap salesman, Durden founded an underground fight club which soon spread across America._

The camera shows stock footage of Durden rallying a band of men and showing them something other than their little world of Wal-Mart and Ikea. The image changes to Durden fighting with Edward Norton in a bareknuckle match.

_Later he turned this group towards terrorism on a scale unseen. _

Tyler watches with satisfaction as skyscrapers blow up and he begins to roast marshmallows over the flames.

Announcer: _By contrast, Charlie Bronson is a one man wrecking machine._

The camera shows a scene at hostage incident. In a showdown with police, Charlie rips a washing machine off the wall hoping to electrocute himself to death.

The scene changes once more, this time showing Charlie having a psychotic fit at Broadmoor asylum for the criminally insane, smashing furniture and cameras before eventually setting fire to the roof.

_In over thirty years as a prisoner, Charlie Bronson has caused the British penal system over ten million pounds in damages and has been moved around one hundred and twenty times in various prisons and mental hospitals. _

The scene comes back into the present and Joe and the Guv'nor are shown holding two more formidable weapons. In Joe's hands is a standard fire axe, one specifically sharpened to better cut through human flesh. Lenny on the other hand has a bit more of an exotic weapon.

He appears to be carrying some kind of homemade spear. The shaft of the spear seems to be made from a broom handle or something the like. The tip of the spear is a rather large looking knife attached to the handle with some wire and duct tape.

Joe just looks at the strange homemade spear with incredulity plain on his face. "What is that monstrosity?"

Lenny elaborates for Joe. "At Hull prison in nineteen ninety-nine, Charlie had another hostage taking incident."

"He kidnapped a prison teacher at Hull Prison and led the cunt around on a leash for forty-seven hours with this spear while singing _Yellow Submarine_." Lenny smirks a little bit. "Charlie's had more hostages than Saddam Hussein."

"Well it's obvious who's more mental," Geoff points out. "But we need to find out who's deadliest. Lenny, can you show us how to use a spear."

"With pleasure," says Britain's greatest bareknuckle boxer.

Arranged around Lenny are a series of foam dummies. Their blank faces show no fear towards the dismemberment that's coming their way rapidly. To finish the deal a pig's carcass has also been set up to test the impact of the spear more accurately.

Armand takes the stopwatch and gives the count. "Governor, are you ready?"

"Fuck yeah!" Lenny shouts, gripping the spear in his hands.

Armand nods. "Then you attack in 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . CHARGE!"

Lenny begins with a scream and a charge. "FUCKER!" he shouts before thrusting the spear into the throat of one dummy. Fake blood stains the blade red. Lenny immediately yanks it out and thrusts it once more into the dummy's heart.

Pulling out the spear, he strikes at a dummy to the left with a slashing attack. Swinging in a wide arc like a halberd, Lenny slashes the dummy across the throat before spinning around and driving the butt of the handle into dummy's nose.

Running forward, Lenny gives the pig carcass a hard kick in the side before jumping back and driving the knife blade/spearhead right into the heart of the hog. He begins to hack and slash with the spear as if it were an axe.

"CUNT!" Lenny screams once more before spearing one dummy in the throat and stabbing another one in the eye.

Geoff calls for the test to be over but Lenny keeps going. He begins to stab the pig multiple times before throwing down the spear and start punching the hog in the face. Everyone watches in horror and awe as the Guv'nor unleashed the bareknuckle fury that made him famous.

At last, Lenny backs off, spits on the pig and walks away. Marla generously hands Lenny a hand wipe for his bloody knuckles as Joe stands by flabbergasted.

Armand inspects the pig carcass. "Well this may be off topic but Lenny had got one hell of a punch. This pig is missing teeth and if it were alive it would need medical attention."

He lowers his hand to indicate the stab wounds. "Given that you're using a large carving knife as a spearhead, you get over five inches of penetration into the flesh. In a human being only two inches are necessary to get lethal penetration."

He then examines the neck of the pig. "The knife was able to slice through the pig's tough skin. The wounds aren't that deep but they cut right through the major arteries; instant kill right there."

"Not to mention that the length of the handle gives you some distance," Max remarks.

"Hold on," Joe protests, "That thing is nice when I want some Avant guard art for my house but I'll take a real weapon over a handmade toothpick any day."

Announcer: _The fire axe, normally used to save lives, Durden uses it for a far more sinister purpose_

Joe stands before the camera with a fire axe. "This is a fire axe; you can find it or buy it just about anywhere. It's a four pound axe and the spike on the back of the handle gives you some options to fight. Unlike that spear this won't just fall apart on you."

"The thing about Charlie is that unlike your boy, he doesn't need an axe or a gun to finish you off," Lenny boasts.

Joe smirks, "I don't think so."

Before Joe is a customary ballistics gel dummy; this one has realistic looking eyes in the skull. Joe stands with his axe like some kind of deranged lumberjack.

Geoff calls to the narrator of _Fight Club_. "Joe, are you ready?"

"HOO-RA!" Joe calls out, imitating the Marines.

"In 3 . . . 2 . . . 2 . . . one and half . . . KILL!"

Already poised to attack, Joe doesn't waste a minute. The axe comes down right on the dummy's skull, splitting it like kindling. Struggling to extricate the axe from the realistic bone inside, Joe finally manages to yank the big blade out.

Turning the axe around on its axis, he uses the spike on the back to punch a hole in the brain case and into the delicate organ inside.

Yelling loudly, Joe winds up for another strike but he's nowhere near as intimidating as the Guv'nor.

Marla has gone back to being unimpressed by this display of so called manhood and she lights another smoke for herself.

Back at the dummy, Joe gives the dummy a nice chop to the liver. As he pulls the blade out, guts and blood spill out all over the ground. At last he moves in for the decapitation move, the surest way to kill a human being.

He winds up and chops it right in the throat. A tremor runs up the axe as the blade hits the spinal column. He pulls back and with one more chop the head comes off.

Armand picks up the severed head off the ground while Max and Geoff look on with fear and awe. "Well, this guy is dead; anybody could tell you that."

The medical doctor then points to the severed neck on the dummy. "Even though it took you two strikes to get the head off the first one would have been an instant kill."

"The ligaments, muscles and vertebrae of the neck are very tough, which is why it's hard to make beheading humane without the help of a skilled executioner."

Joe just laughs at Lenny and Paul. "Beat that, you limey fucks."

Paul and Lenny don't look worried in the slightest. "Didn't you hear, Joe," says Paul, "Charlie doesn't need a spear or an axe to win this fight. Tyler Durden may command the respect of slightly fat, middle aged office workers but Charlie is a whole other ballgame, darling."

Announcer: _The hosts must decide which weapon has the edge but it won't be easy._

"Well, I vote for the weapon that's not made with duct tape and a broom handle," says Geoff. "With a homemade weapon like that there are too many variables to consider given that Charlie Bronson isn't a great craftsman."

"I beg to differ," Armand disagrees. "The spear performed well under the tests and it did its job, not to mention the fact that it gives its user a range advantage over the axe."

"I agree," Max concurs with his good buddy. "Another thing to consider is that the axe took way too long to swing, even for a very strong user. By comparison, the spear is light and it can get a killing thrust before you even know it."

It's a close call but in the end, the convict gets the edge over the anarchist.

Edge: Homemade Spear

Announcer: _Both of these men are known for never pulling a punch_

Bronson bites off a guard's ear. Tyler punches out Chuck Norris.

_So it makes sense that they would use weapons above and beyond the call of duty. _

The camera then shows a massive jury rigged explosive device

Announcer: _The fertilizer bomb, a similar model used by Durden to the one which devastated the World Trade Center bombings. _

Before the camera, Joe stands before a massive contraption which is all jury rigged wiring, hydrogen tanks and unmarked bags of some substance or other.

"When it comes to terrorism, Tyler is in the know," Joe explains. "Based on what he learned from other terrorist extremists, Tyler put this thing together." He waves a hand over the deadly contraption.

"This baby is roughly one thousand pounds of mostly urea nitrate mixed in with aluminum, ferric oxide and magnesium stirred through it for extra effect."

He points to another part of the bomb where tanks of compressed gas are attached. "These contain compressed hydrogen, just like the Hindenburg. When the bomb goes off these tanks rupture, creating a thermobaric effect much greater than conventional explosives. Not to mention that it creates an awesome fireball."

Joe then points to a panel of improvised electronics. "This is the detonator of the device, like IED's in Iraq and Afghanistan it uses a cell phone signal to trigger a circuit that detonates the bomb. Hence, Tyler only has to make one phone call and then . . . mayhem, gentlemen."

Announcer: _in what will be our most spectacular weapons test yet, our experts will detonate the improvised bomb inside an abandoned building and see if they can bring it down. _

The screen changes to show a condemned eight story building which while structurally sound is no longer fit for human habitation.

There is a frenzy of activity as the hosts and guest experts haul in what looks like an army of foam dummies, pig carcasses and a few gel dummies. In for the aid are hundreds of hired hands to get in the proper number of targets and rig in the appropriate sensors. The whole thing is designed to replicate a major act of terrorism as per Durden's style.

In a special safety truck escorted by police and firefighters is the bomb itself; heavily guarded in the event that somebody jackknifes them or rear ends them and triggers it all prematurely. Overseeing the whole costly operation is retired FBI agent Frank Doyle, who is famous for his work with the Mythbusters. Frank is highly nervous about this operation due to the proximity to a populated area so he lights a cigarette to calm himself down.

Police shoo any bystanders who might be standing too close and after some deliberation and hard work the operation is a go.

The whole situation is tense as they prepare to explode the largest bomb in _Deadliest Warrior_ history.

At last the epic moment has come; it's time to trigger a thousand pounds of explosive plus a lot of burning hydrogen.

Before Geoff, Armand and Max is a remote control with a giant red button on it. The guys regard the detonator with the same reverence as a holy object. At last when there is no more time, Geoff gives the countdown that everybody is waiting for.

"3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . BLAST IT!"

His thumb hits the detonator and all hell breaks loose. The explosion seems to rip apart the very fabric of space and time; it all happens so fast that you'd miss it if you blinked. Luckily nobody here blinked.

There is a giant fireball and a whole section of the building just vanishes—gone, vaporized in an instant. So much concrete and façade is reduced to nothing is the fraction of a second. The concussive impact is massive and even through soundproof headphones the crew and cast feel like their eardrums are going to rupture.

They can't tell if anything survived the blast, only it seems likely that anything at ground zero is unlikely to have survived to become anything larger than a matchbox.

Like a firecracker going off, there's a sense of disappointment when it's all over but nobody is sorry that they blew it all up. They only regret that they don't have another one.

The only one who isn't cheering is the Guv'nor. Lenny forgot to put on his ear protection and now he cannot hear a thing. "I fucking can't hear a thing!" he yells, tone deaf.

"Well that's what you deserve," Marla admonishes Lenny between puffs of her cigarette.

Announcer: _Impressive as that was, the results are in the dummies. _

Assembly line style, the guys have taken to stacking up the dummies, reading the monitors and gauges and then throw them into a second pile. It takes some time but the hired help is a big deal.

The results of the bomb are somewhat counterintuitive. Armand stands before a giant heap of burnt and battered dummies. "As devastating as that was, there were only seven deaths caused by the bomb. The kill count would have been greater if the building had collapsed but it didn't."

The camera then shows Max. "Thousands were injured by the blast but I was expecting a lot more. I don't think that merely injuring is going to stop men like Durden or Bronson."

Announcer: _Team Bronson however believes that they have a superior "weapon" to the fertilizer bomb._

Paul stands before the crew and cast and makes an announcement. "We're going to start a prison riot, everyone."

Joe is stunned by the revelation. "You can't do that, people will get killed."

"Shut up," says Marla. She wants to see some killing.

"Normally we try to err on the side of safety," Geoff explains, "But in this case the potential ratings will be so high that the executives have given us the green light."

Announcer: _With that, the crew flies off to merry old England, and to Wakefield Prison_

The camera pans to show a large government building with a high fence that looks a lot like a school from a distance.

Announcer: _Wakefield Prison is England's largest maximum security prison; designed exclusively for category A male offenders. Nicknamed the Monster Mansion and established in 1594, Wakefield is home to over six hundred sex offenders and criminals guilty of violent crimes against women and children. Charlie Bronson had the pleasure of spending eight years here. _

Armand takes a moment to explain how this whole setup is going to work. "What we'll do is set up a variety of dummies through the prison yard and hallways."

Cut to a scene of the prison guards moving foam, gel dummies and pig carcasses into strategic locations across the prison.

Geoff takes over the role of explaining. "At exactly noon we're going to release all the inmates from their jail cells and do some stuff to provoke them."

Max stands over a large wooden crate. "We're going to throw tear gas at them, throw garbage on them, toss in some stink bombs for good measure and may be light some fires." Though he doesn't have the greatest upper body strength, Max uses a crowbar to rip open one of the crates and from inside of it he pulls out a bottle of cheap wine. "At one point I want to fire some wine bottles out of a cannon at the convicts; if that doesn't rile them up then nothing will."

Armand stands before the camera with what looks like an army of paramedics backing him up. The rating that they get on TV had better be worth the loss in life and potential injuries that will be incurred by this crazy stunt. "We're looking at every manner of injuries waiting to be inflicted here. In this prison the scum of the universe are kept locked up. Each one of them has a solitary cell. They have their own little kitchens inside their cells because it would be too dangerous to give them a cafeteria. One inmate killed a guard and partially devoured his brain a few years back."

Announcer: _The prison is a powder keg and we are holding the match, it's time to light the fuse! _

Inside the prison, all of the cell doors open at once. At first the inmates step out with looks of confusion on their faces. Then they all start to eye each other suspiciously as if waiting to kill each other. It is then that Max, along with a half a dozen cannons gives the order to open fire.

Black powder artillery loaded with bottles of wine fire on the cons. It's not lethal, but the cons are showered in painful glass shards and plus they now all smell like wine; so they're twice as mad now. This is all that's needed to unleash hell.

A great maelstrom of malevolent human activity is unleashed. The prisoners attack each other, attack the guards and attack the dummies and pig carcasses with equal fury. The hosts look on with fascination and horror as seven inmates go psycho on some foam dummies, ripping them apart with sharpened spoons and their bare hands. One guy actually appears to be eating a pig carcass like a hungry lion.

In one area of the prison, the guards have managed to herd the prisoners into a containment area. Just for spite, the guards throw in canisters of tear gas after the cons are all locked up. This infuriates the prisoners more and they began to attack the concrete walls and metal bars with their bare hands

Somewhere in the prison, an angry baboon runs down the halls on all fours, shrieking and foaming like it's rabid. The rabid baboon stops here and there to scratch and bits random guards and cons with its long fangs and sharp fingernails.

The team are watching the carnage when suddenly, a massive naked man with big moustache and huge muscles climbs over the ledge and charges at Max like an angry bull. It's the real Charlie Bronson! He's still in Wakefield today, you know.

Max screams as the sixty eight year old Bronson slams into him and they both go flying into the insanity below.

"Max, NO!" Geoff yells as his nerd friend is now in the hands of Britain's most violent prisoner during the middle of Britain's most violent prison riot.

Announcer: _After the riot is quelled, Bronson eventually releases Max after a tense forty two hour standoff in which he threatened to barbecue and eat our computer expert if The Animaniacs was not put back on the air. _

The camera shows Max after the hostage taking. He's looking battered and bruised but otherwise okay except for the mental scars. "That's the scariest thing in my life! For forty two hours I thought I was going to die."

Meanwhile back at the prison, Armand the other experts are examining the damage done by the convicts. Armand inspects a concrete wall in the holding cell where the guards threw in tear gas. The concrete is covered in blood and is actually cracked. "From what I can tell," says the doctor, "this concrete wall was cracked with bare hands."

The shakes his head with awe. "Man, those cons must have broken every bone in their hand to do this kind of damage."

Geoff and Armand stand with Joe and Marla over the remains of a dummy. The foam dummy has been torn to pieces. It looks like an army of giant ants came into the area and wiped out everything.

Joe looks over the pieces of dummy and rubs the back of his neck. "Jesus," he's at a loss for words.

"Yeah," Marla agrees. Even the jaded woman is staggered by the level of destruction unleashed by the cons.

A little ways over, Paul and Lenny stand over a pig carcass that's been just destroyed. Paul looks at the carcass with his usual wry manner. "Well, to my expert eye it looks like someone has raped this pig carcass."

Lenny winces at this true but disgusting assessment. "That's right; now let's get the fuck out of here."

Since Max is absent, Geoff and Armand alone discuss the damage. Armand explains to the camera. "Out of a thousand dummies, thirty of them were kills compared to the seven at the building explosion. Also the prison dummies suffered a lot worse abuse."

Edge: prison riot

Geoff stands before Max's computer panel. "Max has been sent home because he needs the rest, otherwise, the show must go on."

With a press of a button, the simulation is activated and Bronson will battle Durden!

Announcer: _Let the games begin!_

Simulation

It's a dark and dingy night here in one of the many underground fight clubs popping up across the nation. These fight clubs allow men to be men without apology or consideration to others and they eagerly do it. Fight club is a place of blood and masculinity. No feminists or girly men allowed here.

On a totally unrelated side note, there isn't a single black guy in the fight club; which is odd but not that important right now.

In the ring of this abandoned warehouse, men fight. More specifically, one man fights two men at once. A massive man with long moustache and shaved head fights it out with two opponents.

The massive Englishman throws a punch at one enemy and gives the other man a hard punch in the side. The Englishman follows up with a punch in the face and then grapples with his enemy, throwing him aside.

Stepping away, the muscular man laughs and swears at his opponents. The crowd boos the Englishman because they do not like Charlie Bronson.

In the crowd, Tyler Durden watches. He stands out from the other men with the predatorial glint in his eyes and that he's the only one here besides Charlie who doesn't look slightly flabby. Tyler's here because there is a problem in fight club.

In the ring, one enemy grabs Charlie from behind and holds his arms back. The second man runs to the front of Charlie and starts to throw punches into his midriff. Charlie just bares his teeth; almost like he's letting them beat on him.

Suddenly, Charlie throws his head back and head-butts the man holding him. Then he kicks the man before him in the side of the leg, causing him to stumble and fall. Charlie knocks down is foe with a blow to the temple.

Tyler is here because Charlie Bronson, immigrant from England has been breaking the rules of fight club.

Rule one broken. Charlie talked about fight club

Rule two broken. Charlie _talked_ about fight club! He told everyone, even his parents and coworkers about it. That alone should have gotten him kicked out but everybody is too scared of him to do anything. Hence why Tyler is here; Tyler is afraid of no man, even if that man is the toughest convict in all of England.

Rule three broken. When a man says stop, goes limp or taps out the fight ends. In reality, the fight ends when Charlie says it ends; preferring to pulverise and humiliate his foes.

By now, the two men are on the ground bleeding and begging to stop but Charlie doesn't have it. One man is on his knees, shouting for a time out; he gets Charlie's knee slammed into his face.

Charlie then walks up to the other bloke and grabs him by the hair and pulls him. "You want some? You want some, you fucking cunt?" then Charlie savagely punches the man in the nose and spits on him.

Rule four broken. It's only supposed to be two to a fight but by now there is no single man who would fight Charlie without help.

Tyler watches with cool dispassion as Charlie plants a foot on the bleeding man's lower back, unzips his pants and takes a piss on the downed man.

Charlie's enemy moans and struggles as hot urine lands on his head. The crowd boos louder than ever but Charlie just laughs with the petty cruelty of a schoolyard bully.

Rule five broken. No shoes no shirt. Charlie hasn't got a shirt on but he broke a man's jaw tonight for telling him to take off his shoes.

Rule seven: the fight goes on as long as it has to. Reality: it goes on for as long as Charlie says it does.

Really, the only rule that Charlie hasn't shat all over is the one that says newbies will have to fight.

Tyler Durden has seen enough. He created fight club for men to become real men and achieve their full potential through violence and blood; but this guy is just a bad seed. He's got a head full of bad wiring; can't keep a train of thought if it's two feet in front of him.

Finally Tyler has seen enough. It's not his way to shoot a man in the face but Charlie isn't an enemy that deserves any honour or quarter. He raises his glock nineteen and points it at Charlie. Then the shit hits the fan.

Charlie jumps when he hears the sound of a gunshot. Near him one man falls dead from a bullet. If that bloke hadn't stepped in front of him by accident he wouldn't be here. Then Charlie sees the shooter, some cunt with nice hair and colourful jacket.

The violent ex-con snarls and charges at Durden. "You fucking CUNT!" Picking up a man as a human shield, Bronson runs forward as Durden empties the clip at him, killing the man Bronson used as a meat shield.

Throwing the poor sap down like a ton of bricks, Charlie pounces at Tyler and they both go flying out a window. Glass shatters and every looks on in horror as Tyler Durden and Charlie Bronson fall eight stories to the ground below.

As they fall, Tyler and Charlie waste no time. They grapple, wrestle and bite at each other even as the ground rushes at them. With the street lights getting closer, Tyler throws two hard punches into Bronson's face. Charlie spits out blood as the pair of them land in a dumpster with a loud thud that shakes the earth. A second later that glob of spit and blood hits the ground.

For one brief moment, nothing happens and then presto.

The dumpster tips sideways and Charlie and Tyler come out tearing into each other like alley cats fighting over meat. Luckily the dumpster they landed in was full of used mattresses and broken glass.

Tyler and Charlie throw punches at each other like their lives depend on it. The fight has barely started and already each man is covered in cuts from the glass in the dumpster.

The fight begins without posturing and neither man needs an introduction. Charlie and Tyler fall on each other like rabid wolves fighting for dominance. Tyler is so tough that fighting him is like fighting six men at once.

Luckily for Charlie, he's got ample practice with fighting more than six men at one time. He'd rather be naked right now but beggars can't be choosers.

Tyler viciously slams his fist repeatedly into Charlie's side while Charlie lands a blow to Tyler on the mouth that carries with it the force of a sledge hammer.

Tyler is thrown back by the force of the punch, but he just smiles and throws off his jacket before charging again at Charlie. He charges Charlie and the two men fly out of the dirty alleyway and roll into oncoming traffic. Vehicles honk and drivers swerve as two psychopaths roll onto a busy road, kicking punching and biting.

Durden doesn't even notice the way he skins his knees and elbows on the hard asphalt. He's much too preoccupied with Charlie's ugly, snarling mug only inches from his. He's close enough to see the scars and pockmarks on the former convicts face.

Imagine Tyler's shock when Charlie thrusts his hideous head forward and bites down on Tyler's ear.

Tyler roars in pain and tries to gouge out Charlie's eyes as his right ear is bitten off.

Charlie pulls his head back, a human ear clenched between his teeth. If he ever met Mike Tyson in a dark alley, Mike Tyson had better run like hell.

Most men would have been severely incapacitated with pain by the loss of an ear but Tyler is a whole different breed. He throws a head-butt into Charlie's nose, breaking it. With Charlie briefly stunned, Tyler throws a knee into Charlie's groin.

Groaning in pain, Charlie's eyes go unfocused and Tyler pushes him off. Clutching his injured cojones, Charlie kneels on the ground in much pain.

Not one to let an opportunity pass, Tyler runs at Charlie with the intent to kick the big Englishman in the fucking face.

Charlie however is used to pain and as Tyler's foot comes at his face; his hands fly from his groin and catch Durden's foot in midair. Using his much greater mass, Charlie lunches forward and throws Tyler of balance.

By now traffic has stopped to watch these two men fight to the death. Onlookers cheer and shout in fury as the two men hammer at each other with fists of iron. Some scream for Bronson, others for Tyler; all are screaming for blood. This is ancient Rome and Tyler and Bronson are the gladiators.

Those who are about to die salute you, fuckers.

In the light of multiple headlights, Bronson and Durden are thrown into a dazzling display of shadow and light. They move back and forth like life sized puppets but the blood that leaks from their wounds and from their injuries is more than real.

Silhouetted behind bright lights, Tyler throws a punch in slow motion at Charlie. Charlie spits blood in the half darkness and resumes the attack, trying to wrap Tyler in a wrestling hold and break him in half.

"Weapons!" screams on an onlooker and throws a baseball bat from the trunk of his car. Charlie dives for the bat but in this case Tyler's smaller frame provides him with superior agility. He grabs the bat and starts to swing it at Charlie.

Stepping back to avoid a skull crushing blow, Charlie is caught off guard by weapons but not for long.

On one of the swings, Tyler swings it too hard and loses his balance a little bit. Charlie jumps on the opportunity and wrestles Tyler to the ground.

Somebody else throws a weapon, a double barrelled shotgun. Unfortunately the gun hits Charlie square on the head and he falls off of Tyler.

Tyler raises the bat in order to end the fight, but the befuddled Charlie raises the double barrelled shotgun horizontally and uses it to block the down coming baseball bat.

With the blow stopped, Charlie points the gun at Tyler's head, pulls the trigger and . . . nothing! The baseball damaged the firing mechanism.

Snarling, Charlie kicks Tyler in the stomach and knocks him back. "You cunt!" Charlie curses again; it seems to be his favourite word.

It looks like these two are going to rip each other apart before everyone when something unexpected happens. A giant eagle comes out of the sky and picks up Charlie and Tyler; it's probably going to kill them and feed them it it's young.

In no time, the giant eagle rises above the skyscrapers and the two men struggle vainly in its giant talons. Charlie swears and punches at the eagle's massive leg, using words like "cunt" "arsehole" and "feathery slag!" to describe the oversized raptor.

Tyler doesn't say a word, knowing that Neitzchean speeches would be lost on a giant feather duster like this.

Then without any warning, the giant eagle drops both Charlie and Tyler in midflight and continues on its way. The two men plunge like stones; gravity treats them the same way it would treat any other man.

They don't quite fall straight down, they're on an angle. Tyler flies through a window and lands in the cafeteria. The founder of fight club lands in a large vat of gruel like substance which has the consistency of rubber gym mats. For a fleeting moment Tyler pities the men who eat this shit. His pity is short lived when he's suddenly ambushed by a skinhead with an axe who looks a lot like Edward Norton.

Charlie landed in the laundry section and his fall was cushioned by dirty underwear.

Suddenly lightning strikes the power lines outside the prison and the whole place goes dark. A second later, backup lighting goes on but all the cell doors open up. All the cons come out to play.

Tyler runs through the drafty concrete walls carrying a bloody fire axe. The Edward Norton skinhead was tough but he prevailed. Tyler suddenly sights a mass of murderous convicts. They cry when they see him and scream for blood. Tyler smiles and charges the mob with his axe raised.

By contrast, when Charlie is confronted by a mass of cons in a narrow hallway, he merely looks on with a childlike curiosity. After a few seconds of staring, Charlie raises the hammer that he's got and asks. "Alright, who's got the best health insurance?"

One guy raises his hand—then they all charge for the attack.

At last the moment of truth has come. Tyler walks into the main prison yard like this happens to him all the time. Truth be told it's a nice change of pace for him. The axe behind him is bloody and he's puffing on a cigarette to sooth his nerves.

Taking a few more steps forward, Tyler sees a man there—Charlie Bronson, Britain's most violent prisoner.

In every other part of the prison there are fires and riots. Guards and cons fight it out in a way that makes the law of the jungle look positively civil. But the courtyard is empty, almost like everyone deliberately stepped aside to let the two wackos fight.

They're not like other men, Charlie and Tyler; they don't play by the rules.

Charlie is dressed in his best. He's now totally naked and covered from head to foot in slippery black engine grease. In his hand is a homemade spear made from a broom handle, duct tape, some wire and a knife. Perched comically on his head is a guard's cap two sizes too small for his ugly head.

The prison warden lies at Charlie's feet, unconscious and groaning with a collar and leash around his neck.

Charlie says nothing, does nothing. He and Tyler just regard each other like two fighters who can see every move that's made in a fight before the fight starts.

Then they charge like rhinoceros in the savannah. Charlie leaps forward, the stupid officer's cap falling off his head.

Tyler jumps back at the last second to avoid the point of Charlie's spear. Charlie begins to make wild slashing moves with his spear, which Durden either blocks with his axe or evades with his natural agility.

The fight rages back and forth with no man having a clear, lasting advantage. However everything changes when Tyler slips just a little bit on a patch of blood on the ground. He slips but doesn't fall; he only barely loses his footing.

That gives Charlie the chance to drive the point of his spear into Tyler's leg.

Tyler bites hard enough to crack his teeth but keeps the cry of pain inside. He swings the axe and cuts through the handle of Charlie's spear.

Charlie lunges forward and grabs Tyler like some horror emerged from the deep. Lightning flashes illuminate this scene as if the gods themselves are taking an interest in the fight.

Though he has a wounded leg, Tyler doesn't stop fighting. He keeps going at it, giving Charlie several more soon to be scars and even a few torn ligaments.

At last however, Charlie lands a decisive move.

Grabbing Tyler into a bear hug, the Durden tries to break free of Charlie's iron grip, but to no avail. He's in the wrong position for a groin strike and he can feel the pressure of Charlie's powerful arms increasing.

Then there is a snap of bone! Tyler can no longer feel his legs!

Bronson has broken the other man's spine and paralyzed him. He's broken Tyler Durden!

Throwing his foe to the ground, Charlie bends over and grabs a manhole cover he grabbed from elsewhere.

On the ground, Tyler is broken but not dispirited. He grabs the tip of Charlie's broken spear and with that same fatalistic smile, tries to give Charlie one more good stabbing.

The spear point goes wide and hits Charlie in the shoulder. At the same time, Charlie uses all his might to slam the hundred pound manhole cover onto Tyler's head.

Tyler's head bursts open like a melon and brains spill over the ground.

Charlie looks at the dead man and prods the corpse a bit. Rather than cry with victory, he seems purely curious in the most childish of ways. At last, he throws down the manhole cover and sees if he can do something to really put himself in jail again.

Looking into Tyler's pocket, he sees a small remote control. Naturally, Charlie presses the button.

At that moment, all the nitrous bombs that Tyler set up in the city go off, including the one in the prison.

Charlie is suddenly blinded by the explosion and engulfed in fire. No more is seen of him.

It's a fitting send off for Tyler Durden.

_**BRONSON WINS!**_

_Charlie suddenly appears on screen wearing a blue uniform and standing behind an endless black background. He laughs heartily, right before his smile turns into a scowl and he looks like he'll jump through the computer screen and beat the crap out of the readers_

Stats

Tyler Durden:

Fertilizer bomb-424 kills

Glock 19-25 kills

Fire axe-11 kills

Baseball bat-13 kills

Charlie Bronson:

Prison Riot-494 kills

Double barrelled Shotgun-14 kills

Homemade spear-12 kills

Hammer-7 kills

"What it really came down to," says Armand "was the Prison Riot versus the Fertilizer bomb. Those two were the really big heavy hitters where most of the kills came from."

Max seems surprised by the results. "I never thought that Tyler would lose, Tyler never loses. But then again I'm not going to second guess my own computer program."

"I guess even Tyler Durden would have to think twice about fighting a guy who routinely strips naked, covers himself in butter or grease and fights more than six guys at a time," Geoff summarizes.

Of all the experts, Joe seems to be taking it the worst. "This isn't right. This is Tyler fucking Durden we're talking about. He's a guy who can punch out God!"

"Sorry Joe," Max explains. "But the rules are rules. Charlie won fair and square."

"Just let it go," Marla scolds him disinterestedly. She flicks aside her cigarette butt and grabs a new smoke. As she reaches for her lighter, Paul gets it for her; holding the shiny Zippo in a black gloved hand.

"Smashing good time, darling," Paul says with a wink. After several seconds, he puts away his lighter as Marla sucks in the deadly, cancerous smoke. He looks Marla dead in the eye and then says to her. "Alright then Marla; let's fuck."

Marla sighs and exhales. "Finally, I thought you were never going to ask that."

With that, Paul then takes Marla's hand and they walk off camera—probably to fuck.

Announcer: _Well it looks like Paul might be bi; it's too generous to call him straight._

Meanwhile, the Guv'nor goes up and shakes the hands of the three hosts. "It's been fun, lads. I hope to see you again."

"Likewise, Lenny," Geoff bids.

* * *

And that's all folks :D I hope you enjoyed this match. It was a challenge to write, it truly was. You don't know how many times I had to rewrite the number results. Sorry to Tyler fans, but I pride myself on surprising people. At any rate, I'd like to thank all my reviewers who's stuck with me. All you guys are awesome :D

Next match we have none other than Batman, the golden boy of DC comics go up against the biggest hard case in the Marvel Universe; the Punisher.

Who is tougher? Who is faster? Between Batman and the Punisher who is deadliest? Well, you know where to find out ;)

After the next match I'll do a fan request, I promise.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	14. Batman vs the Punisher

Deadliest Warrior: Batman vs. the Punisher

Disclaimer: I do not own Bruce Wayne or Frank Castle. They are owned by DC and Marvel comics respectively. This is purely for fun and I make no money off of it. Prepare to see the fight of a lifetime.

* * *

Announcer: _The Punisher_

The camera shows a severe man with dark hair, soulless eyes and a stylized skull on the front of his shirt.

The next shot shows that same man gunning down criminals with an assault rifle.

Announcer: _Since the death of his family at the hands of the Mafia, Frank Castle took it upon himself to punish crime . . . _

Frank Castle is shown killing a man by drilling his skull with a drill gun.

_. . . brutally! _

The camera shifts to show the Joker laughing maniacally as his thugs empty their machine guns into a wooden door. From out of the rafters, a shadowy bat like figure swoops and takes out the Joker in one stroke.

Announcer: _Batman! One of the most famous superheroes in existence!_

Batman battles the Joker's minions, taking them out with martial arts skill and liberal use of gas grenades.

_After his parents were killed before his eyes, young Bruce Wayne dedicated himself body and soul to defend the innocent and to serve justice any way he could. _

A montage is shown of a young Bruce Wayne starting out as a broken child and growing into a dangerous superhero.

The camera changes once more and it shows The Punisher and Batman staring each other down.

Announcer: _Two crime fighters who rely on nothing but their wits, their skills and their equipment to get the job done. _

The screen shows an image of Batman and Punisher fighting it out hand to hand in a dark sewer. Castle gets lands a strike on Batman across the face. Batman's head flies back and the floor from the strike hits the camera.

_Each man pursues a radically different approach to battling the criminal element. _

Batman fights the inmates of Arkham Asylum. As he's swarmed by hundreds of deadly, psychotic inmates, Batman fires a grappling hook into the ceiling and swings up; only to jump back down after a moment to continue the battle.

_Batman chooses the high road, never killing even the most heinous of his enemies. _

The screen changes to show Frank Castle. Frank comes out a warehouse, drenched in blood and coated in gore. As Frank pauses to light a smoke, the warehouse door slowly creeks open and a gentle wave of blood starts to leak out.

Frank exhales the smoke without bothering to wipe the blood from his face; life is good.

_The Punisher on the other hand prefers to pursue a more final solution to lawlessness. _

Announcer: _Utilizing twenty-first century science and technology, our experts will endeavour to solve the mystery as to which of these crime fighting heavyweights is the deadliest. _

The camera shows a nerdy man with an afro and a nice Jacket.

_Computer expert Max Geiger will handle the processing of data from the tests. _

"There's no way that Batman is walking away from this one. Unlike his other enemies, the Punisher isn't some super powered lug on an ego trip. He'll just shoot Batman, despite all his fancy karate and stuff."

Max then forms his hand into a gun shape and goes, "Bang."

The camera shifts once more to show a tanned man with dark hair and surgical gloves.

Announcer: _In all matters medical, former ER physician and fight doctor Armand Dorian is the be all-end all. _

Armand turns towards the camera and takes off his surgeon's gloves. "This is a fight between two guys who are as close to the peak of human physical and mental performance as you can possibly get. Both of them have gone against superhuman opponents and walked away with not just their lives but a victory."

Announcer: _Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins brings his "A" game to test which weapons are more lethal in the field of combat. _

"Batman's tools are highly effective and he knows how to use them," says Geoff. "But right now it's too early to tell whether it'll be enough to overcome the Punisher's weapons."

Announcer: _It will be a fight to the death where even the dark knight will be forced to take a life. It will be a fight between a crusader for justice—_

Batman is shown rescuing hostages from a bank robbery gone wrong.

_Vs. an executioner of the guilty_

The Punisher deals with a loan shark by taking a meat cleaver and lopping off the man's head. Castle ignores the pleas and begging of the scum before him.

_Sharp precision_

Batman is fighting the super villain Bane. As Bane charges, Batman throws a batarang at Bane which stabs the villain right in the eye. Bane roars as his left eye is lost.

_Vs. indiscriminate butchery_

Outside a Mafia stronghold, Frank Castle sets off a car bomb; killing several Mafiosi and also wounding a few hundred civilians. A good day's haul.

Announcer: _It's a battle to the death with no rules, no mercy and no safety. It's the fight to decide indisputably_

_**WHO**_

_**IS **_

_**DEADLIEST?**_

* * *

Things at the fight club are in full tilt as our team of scientists, doctors and computer expert work around the clock to get this week's episode up and running in time for eager audiences everywhere.

On a metal table, Armand pulls out a first aid kit and begins to disassemble it with the same love and care that a United Sates Marine would disassemble his rifle to clean it.

Elsewhere, Max is desperately trying to get iTunes to function as there's an error with the program that's causing his whole computer to freeze up. If he doesn't get somewhere soon with the stubborn program, he'll just pull the damn battery and reboot the damn thing.

Announcer: _In today's match, two of the toughest all human superheroes go head to head. It will be a match of nothing but brain, skills and high tech tools. _

Armand appears before the camera. "I'm going to have to give this match to The Punisher on this one. I've seen firsthand the effectiveness of the American Special forces training and during his time as a vigilante Frank has had a lot of time to practice his anti-superhero tactics."

Geoff then shows up before the camera. "I've got to give this one to Batman. While he doesn't carry a gun, his gear is more high tech than the Punisher."

Geoff picks up an assault rifle from the weapons rack next to him and leans it on his shoulder. "Plus, Batman's fought enemies with guns before. The Joker, Two-Face, Deadshot and at various times the Gotham Police force; it's not really anything that Batman hasn't seen before."

Stats:

Batman-

Name-Bruce Wayne

Height-6'2''

Weight-210 lbs.

Weapons-Batarang, Ultra Bat-Claw, Explosive gel, Remote Control Batarang

Costume-Bat suit (made of Kevlar, bullet resistant ceramic plating and carbon nanotubes)

Notable enemies-The Joker, Bane, Ra's Al-Ghoul, Deadshot, too many to list

The Punisher-

Name-Frank Castle

Height-5'10''

Weight-195 lbs.

Weapons-AR-15 Assault Rifle, M67 grenade, V-42 stiletto, garrotte

Costume-black painted t-shirt, combat boots, Dragon Scale body armour

Announcer: _Representing the Dark Knight in this death match is Cassandra Cain, a woman who learned to fight before she even knew how to speak._

The camera shows a woman dressed in a bat suit except that there is no opening for the mouth; making her look a bit like something out of the _Spawn_ comic series.

Announcer: _Due to the fact that Cassandra doesn't speak language fluently enough, we've provided her with subtitles as she speaks in sign language._

Cassandra finishes beating up a martial arts dummy, taking off its head with a well-placed kick. The woman then turns around and starts to talk in sign language. Despite her calm body language, her sign speech is rapid and her excitement shows.

"_Batman has never killed before but I respect that he is more than capable of it. This man Castle will not stand a chance against Batman because he has no reason to live. Batman has a mission in life but he fights for others; he is self-sacrificing instead of selfish. The outcome is a foregone conclusion." _

With that silently said, Cassandra crosses her arms in her full body bat suit and assumes a stance of supreme confidence.

Announcer: _Showing up to represent The Punisher is drill sergeant, former soldier, current Avenger and superhero Captain America. _

Captain America is the polar opposite of Cassandra Cain with his brightly coloured American flag themed costume. His famous shield hands from his right hand as he speaks for the camera and his adoring fans everywhere.

"Frankly, it's not my place to judge Frank after all he's been through; I've never had a wife and kids. However, I respect Frank's skill and I respect what he can do. Despite Batman's skills and dedication, I don't think he had what it takes to take down The Punisher."

Announcer: _Also showing up to represent the Punisher is none other than Peter Parker, aka your Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman_

In his brightly coloured red and blue outfit, Spiderman is easily one of the most approachable and least scary superheroes out there. Compared to the Captain, Spiderman is more laid back and easy going.

"I know Frank; he tried to shoot me. Frank has tried to shoot a lot of people; it's faster just to say who he hasn't tried to shoot. I still have nightmares after what he did to that lady who yelled 'boo' when his back was turned."

The wall crawler continues with is jokey speech. "Yeah, Frank is going to win for obvious reasons but when I'm done I want to have a word with the makers of this show."

Spiderman then shoots a pointed glance at Max, Geoff and Armand. "You guys should be using riveted chain mail instead of that other stuff, not to mention that you used historically inaccurate weapons with the Sun Tzu match."

At this, Max and the guys just pretend to ignore Spiderman as he calls them out for being lazy on the show.

Announcer: _Well you can't blame the inaccuracies on me; I do my job well enough. And now the final guest expert, Hush is a villain whose strategic ability almost surpasses that of the Dark Knight himself._

The camera shows a man dressed in a trench coat whose face is covered entirely by white bandages. Despite his rough manner of dress, Hush's voice is smooth and low. "Batman set the bar for heroes everywhere," he says this with a trace of repressed hatred for Batman. "Compared to him, the Punisher is merely a monkey with a gun. Believe me; I've fought them both. The Punisher was only a minor bump in the road."

"Big words, man; can you back it up?" say Spiderman to Hush.

To this Hush replies, "Yes I can . . . Parker. How is Mary Jane doing?"

Spiderman pauses for a second, flabbergasted. At last, he points a finger at Hush and says. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't threaten my girlfriend. When commercial break rolls around I'm so kicking your ass."

Announcer: _Moving right into the explosive weapons section we begin with Batman's patented explosive tool for any situation. _

Hush stands before the camera with some kind of injector gun in his hand. In his other hand is a tube of some sort which obviously holds the ammo for the device.

"When Batman needs to do demolition work, he turns to this device," he turns the device around for the benefit of the cameras. "Despite his self-styled status as a saviour, Batman hurts people and this gel is a good tool to do it."

Spiderman immediately sees a flaw to this. "So? Batman doesn't kill; how can he beat the Punisher this way?"

To this, Hush replies, "There's no such thing as a non-lethal weapon; just less than lethal. Even a rubber bullet can kill and Batman is skilled enough to make these weapons count; now if he only had the will."

Geoff nods and talk to the experts. "Well, since this is bomb testing we are doing I'd rather not do this inside."

"That's right," says Max. "As things stand we've had enough accidental explosions and demolitions in this lab to last a lifetime."

Announcer: _And onto the weapons testing area, in a place so secret that only Geoff knows where it is. _

The four guest experts as well as Max and Armand step out of a black SUV. Everyone except Geoff is wearing a blindfold; Hush has just done up his bandages to cover his eyes.

Geoff breathes in the dry desert air and sighs with anticipation. "Okay guys, you can take your blindfolds off."

Max looks around at the desolate desert environment. "Where are we?" he asks.

"Right here," says Geoff with a smile.

"I memorized the ride here," Hush boasts in his cold, killer's voice.

He is immediately cut down by Captain America. "No you can't. If I can't remember the ride home blindfolded then neither can you."

Hush just mumbles to himself but Captain America tunes him out.

Announcer: _To test the power of Batman's explosive gel, three dummies have been set up with pressure shockwave patches to determine the power of the concussive force._

In the middle of the desert, three dummies stand mounted on simple metal racks. One dummy sits on top of a concrete slab and onto that slab; Hush uses the applicator gun to put down a mass of foam in the shape of a Batman symbol.

Announcer: _To be truly lethal, Hush is using twice the volume of foam that the Dark Knight normally uses. _

As he finishes up, Hush surveys his handiwork with a critical eye. Once he sees that it meets his requirements, he walks back towards the testing table and gets ready for it.

With nothing else to do and all safety precautions taken care of, Geoff takes the stopwatch and reads the countdown from behind the bullet proof glass.

"3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . HOLY SHIT BATMAN!"

Right on schedule, Hush presses the button and the results don't disappoint. The gel goes off with lethal force. The air is torn apart and the explosion can be felt in the very bones.

The dummies are leaking blood and the guys laugh at the results. It's looking very good for the exploding gel. The hosts and the experts walk up to determine the results.

The giant slab of concrete has been torn apart. There is a small crater in the middle of it and the whole thing is shattered like a giant tile. Geoff looks at the concrete slab. "That's wild."

"Not as wild as this," says Armand. He points to the wounds on the dummies. Only the first two are bleeding, the third one is not. "These two are injured by shrapnel created by the explosion."

"Hey," says Spiderman, "that's no fair. I say we do this test on plain grass."

At this, Cassandra starts to do sign language again. "_Batman works primarily in urban environments; the same goes for the punisher. What we are doing here is not unacceptable._"

Spidey just looks confused at the rapid movements of Cassandra's hands. "Somebody better tell me what she just said because I don't speak sign language. I took French in first year university and that's it."

Max points at the dummies. "How did the shock patches fare?"

Armand looks at the first dummy. "The first guy is dead from shock." He has a look at the second dummy some distance away. "This guy is also dead even if the shrapnel didn't hit him."

Armand examines the third dummy with some surprising news. "This guy isn't dead, but he's still in a bad way."

Announcer: _High speed camera footage combined with pressure sensors gives vital clues to the state of the final casualty. _

The screen shows the explosive gel blowing up in slow motion.

Armand stands before the camera in the desert. "The third dummy is heavily injured. He's looking at ruptured eardrums, bleeding from the nose and eyes and brain haemorrhaging which if not taken care of will kill him in about twelve hours."

Captain America stands before the testing table. "Well, you fellows have got a double kill and one questionable."

A smile graces the Captain's lips as he holds up a grenade. "Let's see if we can beat your score."

The test has been reset, this time with a pig carcass and two dummies. For added authenticity, the pig has a crudely painted Batman symbol on the side of it.

Captain America meanwhile is setting up a metal frame from which is hanging a grenade. The guardian of America does this task with the care and concern of a master craftsman hard at work on his art.

Meanwhile, Spiderman is chewing off Max and Geoff's ears about various inaccuracies on the show.

"I'm not saying that your guys show sucks," says Spidey. "I'm just saying that a little more historical accuracy wouldn't be amiss; like calling the halberd in the _Pirate vs. Knight _episode a halberd. Technically the thing should have been called a poleaxe."

They politely ignore the heroic wall crawler.

At last, Captain American has finished setting up the detonation rig and things are all set to go.

Everyone piles behind the bulletproof glass and Armand rushes to put on the last of the shock patches which will measure the kill power of the shockwave.

Geoff stands ready with his trusty stopwatch. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . KILL THE BAT!"

Captain America hits the detonator in his hand and the wire connected to the grenade lights up. A fraction of a second later, the grenade goes off and bat-pig takes the brunt of the impact. The force of flying shrapnel strikes bat-pig like a speeding truck and knocks it this way and that.

When the smoke clears, a large cluster of holes are visible on the pig's side and blood is leaking out of them. Looks like robin-pig didn't show up in time to save his old chum.

As per usual, the guys laugh and point with glee.

Spiderman seems especially happy with the result. He also feels privileged that his team got to use the pig. "Yes! YES! Just—yes!"

Captain America smiles at it all. "I'd forgotten how much fun explosions were since Nick Fury revoked my demolitions license."

"Don't worry Steve," says Max. "We won't tell anybody that you're handling bombs without a license."

"Thanks," says Steve, who is unaware that this is being recorded on camera.

At this time, Cassandra asks in sign language a question for the Captain. "_Why did you get your license revoked?_"

Since Captain America is fluent in sign language, he replies almost immediately. "In order to save the world I had the choice to either sacrifice dozens of innocent lives or sacrifice Nick Fury's balls . . . I chose to cut loose Nick Fury's balls."

Everyone winces, Spiderman especially.

Captain America nods and finishes his sordid little tale. "Nick took it personally. Dollars to dimes, he doesn't believe a plan can work unless it involves sacrificing innocent lives in Machiavellian schemes."

Announcer: _Back from my coffee break, you are all regaled with my sweet voice! And the experts decide which explosive device is the better._

The screen flashes to show high speed footage of the grenade blowing up and taking out the targets.

"Well, my initial edge goes to the grenade because unlike the explosive gel you don't have to put it on a concrete surface to get shrapnel kill." Max infers based on what he saw in the tests.

"Yeah," Armand reminds his buddy, "but Frank Castle lives in the urban jungle; there's concrete everywhere in New York City."

"I'm for the explosive gel," says Geoff. "Both are explosive but the gel can be set off by both a remote detonator and by simply stepping on it."

"Frank Castle has to throw his grenade at Batman while Batman can set up any number of gel trap "land mines" to take down castle."

It's a close match but in the end, the Caped Crusader has got to take this round.

Edge: Batman

Announcer: _Smarting from the first test but not beaten, Team Punisher fights back with an eight hundred bullet round per minute death machine._

Back at the firing range in the desert, Spiderman is shown holding a high tech looking machine gun with some similarity to the M-16 rifle.

"Say hello to my not so little friend," says Peter Parker. "I give you the AR-15 ladies and germs; generously designed by the kind death merchants at Armalite."

Watching with Jaded eyes, Hush says nothing about the weapon; commenting instead on the shooter. "Captain America should be using that gun."

Cassandra pats him on the shoulder as a way to tell him to quiet down.

"This baby has got eight hundred rounds per minute on full auto and a muzzle velocity of 3,200 feet per second."

Holding up a large, round shaped clip, Spiderman raises it for all to see. "Frank likes to use a thirty clip magazine. The gun itself fires the five point fifty-six NATO round, famous for its hydrostatic shock effect."

"Spidey," says Geoff, "Would you mind telling us what hydrostatic shock is?"

"Certainly, Geoffster," says the friendly wall crawler. "When a smaller bullet hits a human being at higher velocity than a big bullet, it creates a shockwave in the natural fluids in the human body. Basically, you shoot a man in the gut with a bullet like this from this gun and he'll die of brain aneurism."

"What else can you tell us about this gun?" Max asks.

"Well, knowing Frankie he loves his aftermarket modifications." Spiderman holds the gun out and points out the various features. "He's installed a telescopic sight on the gun so that he can take guys out more effectively at long range and there's a special holster in the handle built for some knife or another."

"Not to mention that Frank also modifies the bullets in his gun to be hollow pointed; this only magnifies the hydrostatic shock and blows up internal organs like a balloon."

Spidey lets the gun hang by his side before finishing. "Yeah, Frank doesn't really care for legalities."

Steve Rogers AKA Captain America then steps in. "Since we're on television Spiderman and I decided to spice up the tests with your permission."

"Spice it up how?" asks Hush suspiciously. He doesn't like anything which could tilt the odds away from his favour.

Spiderman gleefully explains to the dour, bandage wrapped Batman villain. "Well, anybody can shoot a pig carcass or a ballistics gel dummy on a firing range. To make it more true to real life, we're going to shoot a pig carcass or gel dummy from a moving car at a hundred miles an hour on a busy street during the lunch hour."

Geoff seems a little nervous about this proposition. "Uh Spidey, no offense; but what's your firearms training?"

Spiderman shrugs. "I play a lot of _Call of Duty _and _Modern Warfare_. No one plays COD like Gaston," he chuckles.

Seeing and reading their uncertain expressions, Captain America steps in for his web slinging friend. "It's alright; I've personally given him weapons training."

At this, everyone calms down a little.

Announcer: _In order to test this drive by shooting, Punisher style we've set up shop on a busy street in Queens, New York City. _

Spiderman and Captain America are sitting inside an expensive looking Lincoln Town Car. Captain America has taken the wheel and Spiderman takes his time to load the machine gun that he'll recklessly empty into a target in a few moments.

On the side of the car there is a rig designed to hold a camera so that the audience at home can see Spiderman and Steve Roger's expressions as they let fly the chaos. An additional camera inside the car will allow viewers to see the target being shot from inside the vehicle.

A couple of blocks up, the guys have set up a ballistics gel dummy with crude makeup that makes it look like Heath Ledger's Joker. Completing the dummy's makeover is a cheap green wig.

For the finishing touch, Max writes "_why so deadly?_" on the chest of the dummy in red paint.

Back at the town car, Spiderman loads the gun and pulls the bolt back. Spiderman sits in the back seat and Armand is leaned in to give him wishes of good luck. "Where did you get this car?" the physician asks.

"Borrowed it from J. Jonah Jameson," Spidey nonchalantly replies. He adds, "Without permission."

Captain American has nothing to say.

Spiderman hears a tap on the glass and turns to see Cassandra standing on the opposite side of the car. The black clad woman wishes Spidey well in sign language. "_Even though we are enemies, I wish you the best_."

Spiderman looks directly at the camera. "Uh, can somebody tell me what that lady is saying?"

Meanwhile Hush is drinking Starbucks coffee with a miserable, suspicious expression on his face. "My coffee is too hot," he whispers, then throws his scalding hot drink into some guy's face as he's walking by.

Hush is truly a jerk.

Announcer: _At last the test is ready to go and that dummy doesn't stand a chance_!

This time Armand has got the stopwatch. "Guys, book it in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Instantly, Captain America steps on it and smoke rises up as the tires squeal. After a split second, the car shoots forward and the test is under way and Spiderman is just praying that he won't accidently gun down any bystanders.

Leaning out the window like a dog, Spiderman looks down the telescopic sight and takes careful aim at the ballistics dummy. He leaves nothing back and squeezes the trigger on full auto. A spray of bullets blasts from the gun and leaves behind a trail of brass for passing kids to collect.

At the exact same time, the ballistics dummy takes ten rounds to the head, blowing its cranium to bits and throwing the green wig hallway across the block.

The car passes the dummy but Spiderman empties the clip into the dummy's chest, only putting a few stray bullets into the pavement, kicking up a few small puffs of powdered concrete.

The test is a success, and Captain America goes to apply the brakes . . . but the brakes aren't working. That cheap bastard J. Jonah Jameson bought the most expensive car he could and then skimped out on car repairs. "Jump!" he calls to Spiderman.

The web slinger and the all American hero jump out of the vehicle just before it slams into an oncoming telephone pole. No doubt J.J. Jameson is going to be pissed when he sees his town car wrapped around a telephone pole five feet from some passer-by's legs.

Announcer: _Luckily on one was injured in this highly dangerous and reckless test, but with Spiderman and Captain American involved there was never really any great risk . . . or so we thought. _

Back at the fight club, the Batman experts are going to be hard pressed to counteract that little display. None the less, Cassandra and Hush are confident about their tools of the trade.

Cassandra appears before cameras with some kind of high tech gun thingy and what looks like a boomerang with stylized bat wings on it. She holds up the weapons and then puts them down to explain in more of her silent speech.

"_For long range battles, Batman uses the combination of the batarangs and ultra bat-claw to dispatch enemies who have a ranged attack._"

Spiderman looks at the dual weapons they're got. "Two weapons for long range; that doesn't seem fair to me."

"Neither does having an assault rifle in a fight with a man who uses no guns," says Hush. "But you're right. This matchup is totally unfair to Frank Castle."

Captain America warns Hush because he doesn't approve of bashing his co-workers. "One more word from you, mister," he waves his shield threateningly.

Announcer: _to test both the batarang and the bat-claw, Cassandra will be put before six robotic dummies equipped with automatic machineguns._

True to the announcer's word, six robotic dummies have been set up. Three dummies have shotguns and three have AK-74's—the more lethal and modern cousin of the Kalashnikov 47.

Armand is unsure of this operation. "Are you sure about this?" He asks. "Those dummies are using live ammunition and I'm apprehensive about putting anybody in front of that kind of firepower."

But Cassandra has a different view than Armand. "_As members of the Bat-clan we are held to a higher standard than regular assassins and vigilantes. This will be child's play." _

The moment is tense as Cassandra Cain stands before the three lethal dummies. The hosts are worried about more than a lawsuit; they fear a true death for the first time on the show.

Cassandra stands like the angel of death. She's not afraid because she's the thing that makes people afraid. Her hands are hidden under her cape, which wraps around her like a pair of wings. It looks like any moment from now she'll jump up and fly.

Uneasily, Geoff gives the countdown. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . GO BATGIRL!"

The six dummies fire into action and begin to raise their guns with robotic speed but they weren't built for someone with Cassandra's reflexes.

Cassandra's cape flies open and spreads out like the wings of a demon; the ears on her cowl and lack of a mouth lend to the appearance of an apparition from hell.

In one hand is a small portable utility gun and in the other are _three_ batarangs.

Almost instantly, Cassandra aims and fires the bat-claw with an ease greater than a knight with his sword or a sniper with his rifle.

From the end of the bat-claw, three claws shoot out. These three claws spring out and grab each dummy by the chest.

While all this is happening, the batarang hand hasn't been idle. Three of the flying custom boomerangs fly through the air, whizzing like the animal they're named after.

The three batarangs sail through the air flawlessly and strike the guns out of the hands of the three dummies with shotguns.

To finish it all off, the three dummies with machineguns are about to raise their robotic arms and shoot but Cassandra yanks on the cords at the last possible second and the dummies fall. Impotently they fire their guns but lying flat on the ground their bullets only damage concrete.

Everyone is stunned speechless. Spiderman's eyes widen and even Hush is taken aback by that level of skill and strength.

Captain America whistles with approval. "Nice moves," he compliments.

At that compliment, Cassandra gives a little bow and presses a button to retract the bat-claw.

A few minutes later, Max is holding one of the batarangs. "Man, this thing is heavy. I mean, we secured the guns in those dummies pretty firmly. You'd have to be an Olympian to hold onto your gun with these things."

Even Spiderman is wowed. He holds up the bat-claw, "I gotta get me one of these." Cassandra suddenly snatches it from him because he didn't ask permission.

At last, the three hosts take time to discuss who has the superior long ranged attack.

"Well, I'm definitely for the combo of the Ultra Bat-claw and the batarangs," Max is adamant.

"I have to agree with Max," says Armand. "Those robots were calibrated to raise their guns in a quarter of a second. Cassandra was able to fire the bat-claw in an eighth of a second and throw the batarangs in just under a quarter second."

"Well I'm going to have to disagree with both you guys," Geoff informs his two companions.

"Yes the bat-claw batarang combination was potent, but there's just one problem; it didn't kill anyone. And before you can anything about disarming Castle, I'd like to remind you guys that the gun has a much longer range."

The three hosts start to argue with each other, each one becoming more and more vocal about their point of view and why theirs is the right one. After about half an hour of solid arguing and haggling and two cups of coffee, a verdict is reached.

Edge: The Punisher

_Commercial break_

Commercial announcer: _Tonight at eight on Spike TV is a new episode of 1000 Ways to die! And just in time for Valentine's Day. _

The screen changes to show a black haired Amestrian Alchemist laugh over the corpses of his victims and put his hands on two metal poles, only to get fatally electrocuted.

_Zolf Kimbly from FMA learned the hard way never put your hands on a live wire_

Revolver Ocelot from the _Metal Gear _series duels with Solid Snake, only to have a wheel barrow land on his head from above.

_Be amazed as the sky really is falling_

Finally Integra from the _Hellsing _series is shown lighting a cigar with a lighter—inside of a warehouse full of gunpowder and TNT. Then she lights a stick of dynamite thinking it's a candle.

_And always heed the fucking "No smoking signs." _

The Spike TV logo becomes plastered across the screen before Integra can be blown to bits.

Commercial Announcer: _On Spike's 1000 ways to die, see your favourite and least favourite fictional characters bite the bullet, push up daisies and otherwise get the shit kicked out of them . . . only on Spike TV!_

_Return to regular program._

Announcer: _Back on Deadliest Warrior—we've tested explosives and long range weapons but now it's time to see how each warrior handles themselves in close quarter combat. _

Hush stands there holding a batarang. He speaks more in that cold, deadly voice. As far as villains go, he's made his mark on the Batman franchise. "Batman uses these to not only dispatch enemies from afar but they're also useful for close quarters combat."

Hush then motions for the camera to come hither. Sitting on a table are nearly forty batarangs of varying size and shape. "Batman uses a variety of batarangs; this one is only the most common variety."

His little speech completed, Hush takes the batarang and folds in in half and places it in the pocket of his trench coat.

Announcer: _To test the lethality of the batarang, Hush has been given a ballistics gel dummy to practice on. _

For this test, Hush stands before a dummy that's wearing the same style of skull T-shirt as the Punisher does. The symbolism is fitting but Hush shows no sign that he even notices. The batarang in his hand is fully open and he's pointing one end of it at the heart of the dummy.

From across the room, Geoff has got the stopwatch ready. "Hush, are you ready?" he calls.

The bandage faced villain merely nods and narrows his eyes.

The signal is given. "In 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . STAB!"

Stab is what Hush does. Stab is what Hush does very well. He's actually pretending that the dummy is his hated enemy Batman.

Instantly, Hush jams the wing of the batarang into the heart of the dummy with lightning speed; one second it's there and the next it's stuck in the guy's aorta.

He doesn't stop there; Hush takes that batarang and uses it like a woodpecker on a tree or a sewing machine on fabric.

Hush is like a machine as bits of gel and fake blood fly all over his bandages and his trench coat. Instead of slowing down, he goes faster as he starts to stab the dummy in the neck over and over again.

Screaming like a madman, the dummy's head suddenly falls off from being neck stabbed so many times. To finish the whole thing off, Hush delivers martial arts kick that shatters the bones in the sternum and drives the batarang down the neck hole.

Armand goes over the body. "Well, he's dead. You think you can do any better, Captain?"

Captain America just pulls a large, narrow looking knife and spins it between his fingers. "Oh, I think we can give batman a run for his money."

Announcer: _The V-42 stiletto knife—a lethal stabbing implement used by the soldiers of world war two!_

The screen changes to show an image of Frank stabbing a guy through the top of the head with the stiletto . . . the guy goes down like a jellyfish.

Captain America stands before a pig carcass with the knife in hand. "These knives were first issued to First Special Service Force, otherwise known as the Devil's Brigade—of which I was a member of."

He holds up the blade at a different angle. "This is a narrow profile knife forged from high carbon steel. Good for stealth kills or for knife fighting, the narrow blade design maximises every thrust."

Holding up the knife with reverence, the blade gleams in the light. "Capable of punching through a GI's steel helmet with a single thrust, the knife is also good for opening cans and the double hollow ground edges give it enhanced cutting performance."

As an afterthought he adds, "In addition to murdering people, Frank uses this knife to eat wieners and trim his toe nails." He doesn't say if Frank washes the knife after using it to trim his toe nails.

"A little germs never killed anyone," says Geoff. Armand says nothing. They're on a time schedule.

Announcer: _To raise the stakes a little, the pig carcass has been put in Batman's breast plate armour. _

Lo and behold, the pig is wearing the same chest armour as Batman which is designed to give the appearance of killer abs.

Geoff and Max work to strap sensors onto Captain America. "Cap, I know that you're superhuman; this stuff is to see that you're not cheating."

Captain America smiles, "Scout's honour, Geoff."

Hush shows up just in time after changing his bandages into clean new ones.

Max gives the countdown for Captain American to begin. "3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Captain America lunges forth with the knife . . . and it goes into the armour! Yanking it out with a little bit of difficulty, Steve Rogers delivers a second killing blow through the armour.

Then seeing how his time is almost up, Steve takes the heavy pommel of the knife and drives it down on the pig's skull with a crack!

With all the data gathered, the three hosts work to organize the data and make sense of it.

"So what do we have?" says Geoff.

Max goes first. "Well, first of all the knife was faster than the batarang due to it being lighter. It wasn't much faster but it was enough to count."

"There's also the issue that the batarang has no cutting edge," Armand points out. "On a side note the batarang is coated in diluted snake venom which while non-lethal will cause paralysis in the limb it strikes."

"Well, it killed," Geoff summarizes, "but the knife did a better job of killing."

The camera shows high speed footage of Steve Rogers stabbing the pig dummy.

"Batman's armour is based off the same dragon scale design as the Punisher wears," Max iterates. "While there was a plate protecting the heart, Captain America was able to get through the gaps in the armour when an armour piercing round fired from a .303 rifle would be stopped."

"The knife hit several arteries which while not instantly fatal would instantly cripple and would kill in minutes."

"The world is full of surprises," says Geoff.

Edge: Punisher

Announcer: _Onto the last leg of testing, tempers are short and we're near the breaking point. _

"_This is very disturbing,_" Cassandra sign communicates. "_Bruce needs to be warned of this potentially fatal weakness in his armour_."

Spiderman appears before the camera. "I overheard Hush saying that he was going to try and kill Captain and me to win this match. Personally I'm not eating anything he hands me . . . or eating anything at all actually until I'm back in New York."

Hush then appears with a gun and a bottle of poison. "Who leaked that to Spiderman? Who told him what I was planning? Speak or I'll target your families."

Captain America then appears talking to someone on the phone. "What the hell were you thinking, Tony?" he demands.

"Did you just forget that you screwed me over during the Marvel Civil War? A few bottles of wine and a gift basket with scented oil won't make me forget that you sold out to the establishment. And don't get me started on Reed Richards!"

Announcer: _After everyone has taken a five minute cool down, we're ready to go. _

Spiderman takes first bat at this thing. "Say hello to my stringy friend," the wall crawler laughs as he holds up Frank Castle's garrotte wire.

"Ever seen the movie _Marathon Man_?" Spiderman asks. "Well me neither but I don't want to know that I know what this thing can do."

Spinning it around a few times, Spiderman demonstrates. "Frank uses this to strangle, but with a lot of force he can also cut off heads if he's in the mood . . . which he nearly always is."

"And as an added bonus, the handles are weighted so they can kill by crushing the skull."

For Spiderman's killing convenience, a ballistics gel dummy has been set up. Going with today's theme of funny dummies, this one is wearing a big novelty sombrero.

Jumping right at it, Spiderman rushes behind the dummy and strangles it. "I am the terror that flaps in the night!"

Pulling harder on the cables, Spiderman starts to cut into the synthetic flesh. "I am the noun, that verbs your noun!" he shouts.

Right before the head falls off, Spiderman unravels the garrotte and swings it around like a mace. He brings it down, putting a huge dent in the sombrero and the dummy skull. "I am Spiderman!"

"Dammit Peter!" Geoff yells in frustration. "We weren't even ready to begin. Now we've got to start all over again!"

Peter Parker is totally taken aback by this. "Oh, shit, sorry."

Batwoman seizes the moment to test. "_Since we are in a hurry we can still test the remote control batarang using Wayne Tech equipment._"

Taking the long, thin batarang form her belt, Cassandra takes it and hurls it backwards.

"You threw it the wrong way," says Max, forgetting that it's a remote controlled batarang.

The silent and deadly batarang flies up behind Max and cracks him on the head. Max groans and falls like a house of toothpicks. Using the remote control in her glove, Cassandra steers the batarang so that it smokes Hush in the head, knocking the dastardly villain to the ground.

Arcing around, the remote control batarang seems to be self-propelled. Armand manages to doge but Geoff isn't so lucky, it smokes him right on the chin and he falls to the floor mumbling the lyrics to the latest pop song he listened to.

The batarang veers upwards rapidly and starts destroying the fluorescent lights in the lab. Spiderman blinks and ducks as the batarang whizzes overhead, followed by little explosions and falling shattered glass.

The remote control batarang of doom then arcs around another time and smashes one of the cameras. The screen splits into hundreds of jagged images as the lens is broken but not shattered.

As the final nail in the coffin, the batarang puts on a burst of speed and then buries itself in the eye of the dummy that Peter Parker nearly decapitated.

Scared shitless, Armand hardly dares to look up. Over in the corner, Batwoman puts a hand on her hip to signal that she totally took this test. There's no way that a damn wire is beating that, not when the batarang went four inches into the brain of the dummy.

Armand just looks at the dummy and says, "That sucker's dead."

It is then that Captain America gets off the phone with that snake, Tony Stark—damn his goatee. Captain America is staggered by the devastation around him. "What happened?" he asks.

"I think the Rhino showed up," says Spidey.

Edge: Batman

Announcer: _Testing is done and it's time to make these two badasses fight to the death! _

Armand sits with Max and Geoff, who are nursing icepacks. "You do this, Armand," moans Max. "I'm slightly concussed and I need someone to take me to the hospital."

Excited because he's never pressed the button before, Armand happily hits the enter key and the simulation starts.

Simulation:

The situation has gone out of control; it has been for some time. The Avengers were designed to put the super powered beings and vigilantes under control; instead they seemed to fan the flames which had been growing since the end of the Second World War.

Things are rapidly progressing beyond SHIELD's ability to control them and Nick Fury is trying to recruit, kill or capture as many superheroes as you can. The influence of the costumed vigilantes grows and SHIELD is struggling to keep up with the times.

Batman was one of those heroes who wouldn't play ball. Fiercely independent and head strong, Bruce Wayne won't let himself become a pawn of a scheming, one eyed cigar smoking government spook.

Basically he told Nick Fury to go fuck his hat.

And Nick doesn't even have the luxury of blackmailing Batman because after Ra's Al Ghoul determined Batman's secret identity, Bruce Wayne took the extra steps to keep his identity secret. Even SHIELD has no idea who he is. Thanks to a little help from the X-men that is.

The weather is dark, stormy and downright shitty. It's the kind of weather that Frank "The Punisher" Castle loves the most. It matches his internal emotions perfectly; the polluted rain coming down makes him feel better about the world, in a twisted way.

The Punisher has been sent along with a squad of Nick Fury's best to take out or capture the Batman. Frank doesn't expect these clowns to last five seconds.

Batman stands on a lone gargoyle like a dark sentinel. The rain washes down his black uniform and like a hawk, his eyes are evil vigilant.

From afar, one shield operative watches Batman on a high tech spy scope. "Target in sight, Tiger-1," the man announces over the squad radio.

The men move into action with their machine guns but Frank Castle hangs in behind.

On the gargoyle, Batman glances in the direction of the watcher. For a split second, the SHIELD soldier pauses to wipe the rain from his scope, only for Batman to vanish from his sights.

Startled, the soldier doesn't get a chance to raise the alarm before he takes an armoured bat-fist to the head.

Frank Castle has to laugh internally at the SHIELD, despite all their training their creativity has been blunted by the mental conditioning all SHIELD operatives go through to ensure their loyalty.

They don't even see it when Batman flies out of the night sky using his cape as a glider. Frank is the first and he opens fire on Batman using his illegal armour piercing bullets. However the Batman's body armour does the job and from his utility belt, Batman pulls out the Ultra Bat-claw.

Like tentacles, three lines shoot out and grab guns from two of the operatives and from Frank himself. The Punisher curses as Batman lands in the middle of the group of operatives and begins to lay them flat. A thrown smoke bomb obscures everyone's vision but Batman sees perfectly clearly on behalf of the special sensor vision built into the lenses of his cowl.

For Batman, the world appears in shades of blue and he can actually see the internal skeletons of the SHIELD squad. A smoke screen and even concrete walls are no problem for this special vision mode. Armed figures light up especially, like the Punisher shaped figure who's in the process of unloading a grenade.

Off to the side he sees a squad of armed men coming up the fire escape. No matter, he already took care of that.

The SHIELD operatives run up the fire escape with guns loaded with armour piercing ammo. They don't even see the bat shaped patch of explosive gel on the fire escape. The gel blows up and knocks the men off the fire escape.

The fall isn't high enough to kill any of them but they'll be nursing broken bones for a while.

With the second SHIELD squad done for, the masked vigilante of Gotham can now turn his attention to other matters.

Thinking like a tactician, Batman tosses a batarang at Castle but he underestimates the Punisher's reflexes. Catching the batarang in midair, Castle wordlessly mocks the batman before he throws the grenade.

The acrobatic Dark Knight leaps to safety but the SHIELD operatives aren't so lucky. They scream briefly as the bomb goes off, scattering blood and organs everywhere.

Furious that The Punisher would kill his allies so easily, Batman tosses a trio of batarangs at the Punisher.

Every the proficient marksman, Frank has taken back his AR-15 and blasts the three batarangs out of the air like shooting ducks.

Scanning through the sights of his gun, Frank searches for the Dark Knight but he can see no sign of the goddamn Batman.

Batman is smarter than to just sit there like a bull's eye; that's Superman's game plan.

Suddenly, the wooden boarding behind Frank explodes and he is tackled by two hundred plus pounds of caped crusader. In a heartbeat, Frank finds his gun torn from his hands but not before he can land a good hit on Batman's handsome jaw.

Batman however is not without tricks of his own. In rapid order he knees Frank in the gut, slams his elbow down on his back and a kick to the face.

Winded and stunned but not down, Frank reaches under his coat and grabs the spare assault rifle he's been keeping with him. The bullets fire but a batarang hits Frank in the wrist and he drops his spare weapon.

Throwing another grenade, Batman fires a grapple line and zooms out of the way of the explosive blast. Down in the street, what few bystanders are out on a night like this stop to look at the fiery explosions taking place on top of one old warehouse.

Shielding himself from the blast with his cape, Batman scans around, deactivating his special sensor vision in the cowl. The brightness of the blast temporarily overloaded the sensors and he'll have to go on manual for this fight.

He switches the vision off just in time to see Frank Castle's ugly face coming at him, all scars and broken nose. His knife is raised high and he wants blood.

That's the great thing about The Punisher, no matter what you throw at him he always keeps coming back. Batman can almost respect that.

The dark knight dodges the first slash from Castle's knife but a stab hits him just in the elbow join of his armoured suit.

Batman fought back a cry of pain as the razor sharp stiletto went through the weak point of the armour weave. Batman is so furious at this design flaw in the suit that he's almost tempted to let Castle finish him off.

Batman grits his teeth as the Punisher twisted the knife and simultaneously threw an elbow in Batman's face.

In retaliation, Batman grabbed Castle's knife arm and twisted it around.

Counteracting, Frank twisted once more until he had Batman's back to him. He aimed to drive the point of the knife into Batman's eye—a point he knew for sure was unarmoured.

Suddenly Frank's arm felt like he'd hit a brick wall. Batman had used his forearm to block the strike.

Using his mighty legs to propel himself backwards, Batman and Castle slammed into a brick chimney top. It was satisfying to hear the wind leave Castle's lungs.

Acting fast, for even winded the Punisher is lethal—Batman spun around and delivered what was supposed to be a pressure point hit to Frank's neck but the strike was blocked by the body armour The Punisher wore under the shirt.

Slashing again with the knife, Batman caught Castle's wrist and used leverage to spin him onto his back. As he fell, the knife landed point down and sunk into the tarmac of the roof.

Something wasn't right. Frank put a hand to his chest and felt shock and rage like nothing he'd felt in years. Using the razor sharp barbs on his gauntlets, Batman had sliced away the gun belts which Castle was using to carry his half dozen pistols, ammo and other random portable guns.

All he had now was ammo for the AR-15 and grenades, plus a spare knife and the fun garrotte.

Batman held the Punisher's gun belts in his hand. "Leave, now," came the iron voiced command of the vigilante of the shadows. "Go back to New York, _Castle_, while you still can."

Castle looks at Batman with a look of pure fury, but then suddenly he takes a running leap, grabs his machine gun and jumps off the room in a style that looks like it's been directly taken from Batman.

This move immediately fills Batman with dread because Frank Castle doesn't retreat or run away—he's just running to get a better gun.

Immediately, the Dark Knight gives chase because he just knows that Frank has got a plan in mind; the man is a former Special Forces soldier after all and he's not stupid.

Jumping off the ledge of the building, Batman plunges as he is caught by the pull of gravity. Suddenly, his billowing cape snaps rigid and forms a giant pair of gliding winds.

Swooping downward like a falcon, Batman dive-bombs and then turns sharply upward. Underneath him, Gotham is a sooty, glowing ember filled with crime and inequity.

Hidden amongst that shitheap of inequity, Frank Castle has the bat in his telescopic sights and a bead on the dark knight's head.

It's almost anti-climactic, but when the gun goes bang Batman drops like a stone. Frank Castle wants to smile but he doesn't permit himself one. He's aware of the Batman's reputation and he'll stop and smell the roses when he'd had the chance to examine Batman's corpse for himself and feed it feet first into a wood chipper.

Even though Gotham isn't his town, nobody is stupid or ignorant enough to so much as give him a sideways glance.

Castle finds Batman on his back atop a pile of trash and refuse in an alleyway. There's a pool of blood next to Batman's head and he's not stirring.

Frank marvels at his luck as he sees that around the bat there are several exploding barrels just laying in close enough proximity to kill someone. This is really too easy.

Not willing to go easy on his foe, The Punisher pulls three grenades from his belt and pitches them towards Batman without their pins.

Frank steps back enough so that he can view safely the death of the Batman. Really, he doesn't know what was so hard for the Joker and all those other freaks.

However nothing goes to plan, for right before the grenades go off, Frank sees an arm extend up from the trash heap and fire a grappling hook into the sky.

"NO!" Frank roars and fires his gun at Batman. Even as the Dark Knight rips into the sky and the grenades and exploding barrels go off—the Punisher doesn't miss. The Punisher doesn't fucking miss.

**BOOM!**

The explosion sends shrapnel flying everywhere but Frank stands his ground.

With his ears ringing Frank unloads a full auto stream of fire at Batman, who hangs from a rooftop. Bullets strike Batman and through the smoke and fire and blood drips down Batman's cape.

Then suddenly from under his arm, a trio of batarangs fly directly at Castle just as Batman pulls himself up and out of sight.

Castle shoots two of the batarangs out of the air but the third hits its target. The camera shifts to show Frank from the front. On the reflection of his gun scope, the image of the batarang grows larger and larger until.

_Smash!_

The batarang breaks the scope off of Frank's gun and does more. The wingtip of the custom, high tech boomerang catches Frank in the eye and rips out his left eyeball.

Frank roars in agony as the batarang flies to the end of the alley and embeds itself in a brick wall with the Punisher's eye still dangling from one wingtip.

As Frank screams, a thunderclap tears apart the sky and the rain picks up in intensity and coldness as if to wipe the waterfall of blood that flows down Frank's face from the gory wound.

The Punisher grits his teeth and noises of pain turn to noises of rage. Frank Castle feels pain, the Punisher does not.

Up on the rooftop, Batman is gasping for air and fighting just to stay conscious. His armour is torn and holed, both from Castle's bullets and from the explosion below. From the cracks in the armour blood drips. Worst of all, the cowl vision is permanently disabled. Batman's field of view flickers back and forth into static.

Seeing that the equipment is damaged, Batman reaches up and smashes the lenses in his cowl, exposing his dark blue eyes. Without the white lenses, Batman looks far more human and far less frightening.

Tentatively, Batman puts a hand to the side of his head. The cowl is armoured but his head is still vulnerable to gunshots more than the rest of him. The Kevlar and armour weave of his cowl is totally torn and he can feel sharp bone fragments.

Batman winces as he feels a particularly troublesome wound in his side. He's been wounded before but this is one of those wounds. Bruce Wayne needs medical attention . . . fast.

Batman presses a button on his belt. In two minutes the batmobile will be here to pick him up and send him home to his combat medicine capable butler . . . if he lives that long.

Suddenly, somebody else climbs up the side of the building. He didn't use any fancy grappling hooks or anything like that—The Punisher just climbed up the side of the building with his bare hands in the now pouring rain.

Just as Frank finished climbing onto the roof of the rundown crack house, he sees the last bit of a cape vanish behind a chimney.

Bullets fly hot on the Batman's trail.

"Batman!" The Punisher screams, "Come out and fight me or else I'll go back down and start killing hostages."

Behind cover, Batman doesn't believe that Castle will really kill innocent people just to get to him. He tries very hard to believe this but he also has learned not to underestimate human depravity.

Struggling to quiet his breathing, Batman focuses until he can feel his heartbeat start to slow down. This helps him to focus and reduces the bloodless that is going on.

Reaching for the remote control batarang, Batman unfolds the device and prepares to throw it at Frank.

Without bothering to aim, Batman throws the batarang out. Unfortunately, he doesn't hear the figure approaching behind him.

One the shifting of a boot alerts batman to the dark, gruesome figure looming over him with only a single eye.

The Punisher jumps down on Batman from above like a predator lunging on prey. In his hands is his trusty garrotte. Time for some throat cutting fun.

Batman truly deserved to die. He'd never so badly underestimated an enemy since his first time fighting crime in Gotham. He made the mistake of lumping Castle in with the rest of the Arkham nuts. Because as dangerous as his rogues gallery is, they're all insane in some way; the Punisher on the other hand is very sane.

Batman is knocked forward and just barely manages to put up an armoured hand to intercept the high tensile cable that Frank is trying to use to choke the life out of him.

Normally the bat suit it built to prevent Batman from being strangled by a garrotte but now due to the strain of battle the neck armour is compromised and Batman may not just be strangled but beheaded if he doesn't get Castle off of him.

Furious but focused, The Punisher won't let Batman go—he couldn't even if he wanted to. Hatred and torture are all that he knows now; all that was good died with his family and it's lucky that he didn't turn into a worse monster than he already is.

Grabbing the handles in one calloused, scarred hand The Punisher takes his stiletto and drives it as deep as he can into one of the gaps in Batman's broken armour.

For once, The Punisher has the pleasure of hearing the Batman scream, something that not even the Joker has been able to do.

Emboldened by the sound of another's pain and following the rules of the hunt, The Punisher twist the knife in the wound.

Another bellow of agony erupts from Batman. Castle hasn't hit a lung but he's sure that by now he fucking _needs_ medical attention.

It looks like the Punisher has won this fight. He is far less wounded than the Batman and he doesn't have the same silly rules governing his behaviour. He's a savage through and through.

Except that things are derailed for Frank when he gets smashed up the side of the head by a remote controlled Batarang controlled by a micro remote in Batman's glove.

Falling apart, Batman drags himself away as Frank tries to clear his head. The batarang was poorly aimed and it didn't knock him out like it should have. Due to his Spartan training and lifetime of fighting experience, the AR-15 is in Frank's hands before he can even think about it.

Shakily, Batman and the Punisher pick themselves up. For the barest of seconds, they look each other in the eye and they each know: it's time to end this.

Frank raises his gun. By all means, he will win. He's got the gun and Batman has a knife in his guts. But Batman won't give up for the same reason that the Punisher won't give up.

Before he can pull the trigger, Batman closes the small gap between them, takes Frank Castle's head in his hands and breaks the Punisher's neck like a twig.

There's a snap like a joint cracking but much louder. In virtually no time, the gun falls from his hands and Frank Castle turns into jelly.

Breathing heavily, Batman is severely injured. His vision is slowly going black around the edges and his bleeding has gotten worse. Through the holes in his cowl, he looks down on Frank Castle.

Frank's neck is bent at an unnatural angle but a ragged, wet intake of breath indicates that he's not dead or in danger of dying.

With his one remaining eye, Frank looks up at the Batman who in the now disappearing rain looks more than a man. He is Gotham personified; and the city will tolerate no posers or intruders.

Gingerly, Frank attempts to see if he can feel anything. He has a little movement in his hand and foot but other than that it's like his body doesn't exist.

"You couldn't do it, could you?" he accuses the Batman. His voice is rasping but far more level and rational than before.

No, Batman doesn't have the decency, the pity to put Castle out of his misery.

"It's over, Castle," the steel in his voice is still there, even though the fatigue and wounds. Batman will bend but he will never break. And he won't be broken by a second rate wash up like Frank Castle.

"You could have killed me," Frank gurgles, still prone on the ground. With his neck broken he looks eerily like some kind of psychotic puppet. Batman half expects him to jump up and attack with twice as much fury.

Truly there was no reason a martial artist of Batman's calibre couldn't kill somebody; but the answer is simple. "I'll never be like you," Batman hisses.

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery then making yourself the opposite of what someone is must be the sincerest form of "_fuck you_."

"I'll never be like you," Batman bites out, enunciating every word. He's sickened by death, sickened by the killing. Since he was a child the nightmares have never gone away and everything he saw made him detest killing more. It drove him insane until he could no longer lead a normal life, until he became this twisted demon of the night.

And to become like the killers would be the sincerest betrayal of who Batman is; no matter how insane or deserving of death is foes may be. Batman is truly the craziest one of all.

Batman and the Punisher just glare at each other, utterly spent. The rain has completely stopped and they can hear the sound of a police helicopter approaching.

Glaring at Bruce, Frank decides to give his guy a final present. "You couldn't do it," says Frank with a trace of sarcasm in his gurgling voice. "But I can."

With a final, superhuman effort, Frank tenses the muscles in his neck. There's a sudden snap and the last of Frank's spinal cord is completely cut through. The feeling in his hand and foot leaves and all signals to his heart and lungs vanishes.

Still prone as a stunt dummy, Frank bows his head and gives an odd kind of smile; one that's not usually worn on his face.

As the air leaves his lungs, Frank begins to make a noise. At first Batman doesn't understand what that sound is. But against all his knowledge of biology, it becomes louder and clearer. Frank Castle, no—the Punisher is laughing!

It's not his usual grim laugh. This is loud, psychotic, totally fucking insane laughter that just become louder and louder while Frank's grim features are twisted by a psychopathic clown's grin.

The laughter dies down as he can't breathe in anymore but that senseless, schizo smile never leaves his face. His eye rolls around in the skull frenziedly before it stops moving altogether.

Frank Castle finally realizes what the Joker has been laughing at all these years. Then he is dead.

Batman is frightened, for the first time since he was eight years old in crime alley he's truly afraid. Castle's face is a lunatic death mask that reminds him of nothing less than the Joker's own twisted grill. Because the stuff the Joker is made of is inside all of us, Batman just doesn't want to believe it.

Using up the last of his energy, Batman bolts like a scared rabbit and leaps from the top of the crack house into the waiting cockpit of the Batmobile, but not before the Police helicopter got a good look at him standing over the Punisher's corpse.

If Nick Fury needed a reason to kill and bury Batman before he's got it now. Not only SHIELD will be after him, but so will the cops, the media, the other superheroes and anybody looking to make a name for themselves. It's a fight that the Batman may not win.

Inside the Batmobile, Bruce sets the dark machine to autopilot. Over the radio of his cowl, he can hear Alfred's frantic voice. Alfred's talking about how Bruce's life signs are failing.

But all Batman wants to do is sleep.

His eyes shut as the heart monitor in the batmobile beeps slower and slower . . .

**BATMAN WINS!**

_The merc with a mouth Deadpool suddenly appears on the camera. "Who's laughing now, Frank? Hoo-fucking-ra!" _

_Deadpool laughs some more. "Consider this as karma getting back to you for shoving a grenade up my ass and pulling the pin." _

"_Not cool bro! Not cool at all!" _

Stats:

Batman-558 kills

Batarang-70 kills

Explosive gel-267 kills

Batarang/Batclaw-0 kills

Remote control Batarang-221 kills

Punisher-442 kills

AR-15 assault rifle-215 kills

Garrotte-25 kills

V-42 Stilletto-81 kills

M-67 grenade-121 kills

Geoff appears before the camera. "It's like I said. The Punisher is bringing nothing to the table that Batman hasn't seen before."

He smiles as he puts an AR-15 back into the closet. "And if the Punisher came back with twice as many guns and rocket launchers; Batman would just run him over in his car."

"The Ultra Bat-claw was able to steal kills from the Punisher by stealing his guns and the remote control batarang can hit a target multiple times and still be effective."

Max doesn't know what to make of it. "I'm shocked, I'm truly shocked. But the computer never lies so I'll have to go with it."

"I wish the Punisher won," he says. "Plus," Max adds. "You can't underestimate the explosive gel. You can just unload as much of that stuff as you want. It's like beer; you stop when you want to and boom."

Spiderman doesn't seem the least bit bothered that his side lost. "Well, let's all get coffee and donuts. I'm buying . . . just kidding. We all chip in."

Cassandra gives him some sign language which he pretends to understand. "_Sounds good to me._"

Hush is less than enthusiastic. "You can all waste your time if you like. I'm going home to plan to kill the Batman and ruin his life." He walks off, bandages and all.

Captain America calls after him. "And don't come back!"

Geoff and Max smile at a job well done. Then they go and see Armand, who is already nibbling on his own donut.

"Well guys, I think we all know what's next," says Geoff with barely repressed glee.

"Oh yeah," Armand smiles between bites of his donut.

"Back for blood," Max says with a wide smile

The three hosts put their hands in a circle and then give a loud yell of glee. "WHOA!"

* * *

And that's the end of that one, ladies and gentlemen :D I had tons of fun writing this, more than I expected actually. It was hard picking a winner but for me this was one of the funnest chapters I've done to date. And all the chapters I've done have been fun.

I honestly hope that you guys are enjoying yourselves no matter who you rooted for. If you have any complaints or concerns, please send them to me and know that I am still taking requests, just be patient with me.

Next chapter we have a back for blood match, but not just any back for blood match.

Next chapter we're having Back for Blood: _Zombie Apocalypse!_

Yes, see as the winners of the Deadliest warrior fight are thrown in the middle of the zombie apocalypse and forced to fight for their lives. Will they work together or stab each other in the back?

See Back for Blood: _Zombie Apocalypse_, where everyone is at risk and everything is in peril.

Stay tuned, I am the Master of the Boot

And I say Ta.


	15. Back for Blood: Part 1

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior: Zombie Apocalypse

Part 1

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these fictional characters in this nor any of the real characters in this. I do not own deadliest warrior and I make no profit from any of this.

Announcer: _Welcome to the exciting finish of this season of Deadliest Warrior!_

The Deadliest Warrior Logo flies across the screen and highlights appear from previous fights.

_Over the last season we had many exciting matches that kept readers on the edge of their seats._

The camera shows The Mask Killing Kratos, Hitchens killing the Pope and Dante killing Alucard.

Announcer: _but now it's time to take the game to a whole new level with the aid of . . . zombies! _

The Deadliest Warrior Logo appears on screen, suddenly it is torn apart and a horde of crawling, hungry zombies bursts through the hole that is created. These suckers are rotted, stinky and hungry to boot.

Announcer: _In an all new twist on the old tried and true Back for Blood Formula, the winners of this season will be thrown together in a zombie infested hotel and forced to survive. _

The familiar face of Max appears in his curly haired glory.

_Max Geiger, resident computer expert is the mastermind behind this radical idea. _

"Sure we've done back for blood before," Max says. "But all those other times we just had two warriors fighting it out. Now we've got all the warriors in the same environment facing down the zombie apocalypse. That introduces a whole crap load of new factors to consider."

Announcer: _Geoff Desmoulins, biomedical expert and master of mayhem will be tasked not only to the killing power of the various weapons but to see alternate ways of how the fighters can use their arsenals to inflict pain!_

"We've tested the weapons before, but before we were working on a time limit. This time what we'll be able to do is go in and go over select weapons again and see how else they can be utilized."

Announcer: _Former ER doctor Armand Dorian will measure who is quick and who is dead. _

Armand appears carrying a shovel and a bucket of what looks like blood and guts. Flies are buzzing around the bucket he's carrying. "In previous fights I've gone over bodies and seen if the impact was fatal or not," the doctor pauses to swat at some of the flies that are gathering around him.

"This time we'll be really taking into account the level of training these fighters have, their physiology, general health level, inebriation level, history of drug and alcohol use, hangnails, sexually transmitted diseases, parking tickets, whether or not they've had a haircut that morning, sexual orientation, grades from high school, did they remember to take out the garbage, tendency to use run on sentences . . .

Announcer: _Uh, moving on! _

_Assisting us in this endeavour is former Navy Seal and host of Discovery Channel's Future Weapons show, Richard "Mack" Machowitz. _

A fit looking bald man steps before the camera. "As a former Navy Seal and a practitioner of eight martial arts styles for more than twenty years, my experience makes uniquely qualified to judge and appraise fictional and fictionalized warriors from diverse backgrounds and abilities."

"In short," he concludes with a somewhat sinister look, "Max's job is as good as mine."

Announcer: _Also appearing to handle a more efficient and elaborate computer processing is military video game software developer Robert Daly. _

Daly appears before the camera. Sitting on his chair, Daly is smoking a cigar the size of a submarine sandwich. A haze of cigar smoke surrounds him like smog over Los Angeles.

The camera briefly returns back to Armand who is still speaking in an incredibly long unbroken sentence.

". . . we'll also test their ability to make pancakes, what are their favourite video games, generalship, music preference, are they circumcised or not, how often do they go to church, do they have wooden teeth.

Announcer: _. . . Also appearing as a guest expert today is the fourth incarnation of Doctor Who. _

Before the camera, the familiar blue police box materializes from thin air. From out of the box comes a bohemian looking man in most eccentric clothing. He's wearing a large, floppy hat, long coat and a scarf that is impractically long.

The mysterious visitor cracks a smile which reveals more white teeth than anybody has a right to own.

He introduces himself. "Hello, I am the Doctor," he says in a deep, melodious voice.

"Lately the Brigadier has been a bit moody and I needed a short siesta away from his glum behaviour."

From out of his coat, the Doctor pulls out a bag of British sweets called jelly babies and begins to nibble on one. "Currently, the Brigadier just made his twenty-seventh suicide attempt. As soon as this show is done I shall try to stop him."

Announcer: _With introductions out of the way it's time to get cracking on the experiments. _

Everyone is now standing around a weapons table with a few monitors and computer devices thrown in almost as an afterthought. Max, Armand and Geoff stand together while the three of them are flanked by the Doctor and Mack.

"Alright, how do we organize this?" says Max.

"Well, the first thing we need to do is split the tests between individual fighters and faction battles," Mack iterates.

"That's a good idea," says Geoff.

"Right then," Max says. "If we're talking about faction battles then that basically leaves us with the Jem'Hadar and the Mandalorians."

"Okay then," Geoff agrees. "Let's get nitty gritty dirty and see who takes an edge for our two factions."

Announcer: _Returning for the testing of the weapons of the Mandalorians and Jem'Hadar are Commander Worf of Starfleet and bounty hunter Boba Fett. _

Worf, the stoic and easily pissed off Klingon goes first. "I stand by the Jem'Hadar in this match. While the Mandalorians are well armoured, the eagle is safer from attack than the turtle."

Crossing his arms, Worf gives the camera a hare glare that normally is seen by wrestlers bad mouthing each other on TV and in the eyes of executions about to let the floor drop out of the gallows. "The Mandalorians are powerful warriors, without a doubt. However they lack discipline and unity. They compare themselves to mercury, unable to be broken; by the same token they are unable to draw any significant wounds in their enemies flank."

Boba Fett however has a totally different view of things. "In my own way, I have some respect for the Jem'Hadar's ruthlessness and their discipline," his voice coldly rasps. "But ultimately while their tactics are excellent, they are not original thinkers. In essence, they're like Storm troopers on steroids with better aim."

To illustrate his point, Fett points to his right shoulder. Around his left shoulder are several braided Wookie scalps and around his other shoulder are several similarly braided Jem'Hadar scalps. If Fett is fond of one thing it's trophies and he's got way more Jem'Hadar trophies stashed back on his ship, Slave 1.

Announcer: _As a basis for comparison, we've set up two ballistics gel dummies designed to replicate the flesh of a Jem'Hadar and a nonspecific humanoid respectively. One dummy will be clad in full Jem'Hadar armour while the other will be clad in the fabled beskar suit of the Mandalorians. _

The Fourth Doctor and Max are busy setting up the gel dummies and Max has to ask the Doctor. "Hey doc, where did you get all this gelatin?"

To that, the Doctor puts away his sonic screwdriver and flashes one of those freakish yet charming smiles. "Well in my travels I recently stopped by Xingomenikomir IV, a planet made entirely of gelatin and the natives let me help myself."

The camera pans to reveal that in fact the Doctor has filled up half of the fight club with nothing but giant blocks of gelatin.

Max pats the gel dummy next to him for luck, but then looks around. "Hey, has anybody seen Armand?"

From inside the giant mass of gelatin a muffled voice can be heard that sounds vaguely like Armand. "Help me."

The Doctor immediately realizes his mistake and says, "Oh shit, please forgive my overzealous gelatin unloading."

While the Doctor and Max are working to free Armand from the giant wall of gel, Mack and Geoff and working at the touch table.

"So what have we got here Mack?" asks the resident biomedical expert.

"Well Geoff," Mack replies, "This is my touch table; I bought it at a yard sale two years ago and until now it's been sitting in my attic."

Mack flicks on a switch and immediately the screen lights up, showing a giant map of the world. He then zooms out of the map of the Earth and then shows a wider map of the galaxy.

Mack then starts to draw in glowing circles to indicate the origins of the two fighters. "This here is the Delta quadrant, around the region where the Dominion makes their capital city." He clarifies. "It's unknown where the Jem'Hadar originated, so we'll just say this is where they hail from."

He draws up a separate map, showing a galaxy far, far away. The points out a single planet in a single star system. "This is Mandalore, home of the Mandalorians—

Mack is suddenly cut off when his touch table flickers and dies. "Oh, god dammit!" he curses. The ex-Navy Seal turns around and gives a shout to Robert Daly, computer expert.

"Hey Rob! I got a problem here, gimme a hand."

The camera then shows Rob, who is merely typing on his computer and smoking his cigar; he gives no sign whatsoever that he heard Mack at all.

Mack calls for Robert several more times. "Rob! Hey Rob!" At last he grows tired of it. "Ah fuck it!" and then he picks up a wrench spanner and throws it at Rob's head.

Strangely, Robert Daly doesn't even notice the metal spanning wrench that narrowly misses his head and clangs against the wall behind him.

Before Mack can throw something heavier at Robert, he gets a call from Max and the Doctor to help them dig Armand out of the gel block wall.

Sprinting over, Mack and Geoff furiously run to remove the gel blocks before Armand suffocates. Strangely, Mack pulls at a strategically placed gel block which causes an avalanche of gelatin to fall on Max and almost crush him. Luckily this has the added effect of freeing Armand, who gasps for air.

Announcer: _And now it's time for Mandalorian and Jem'Hadar to go at it!_

Each side has been given four dummies, dressed in authentic armour. Worf and Boba and standing fifteen feet apart from each other. For a moment, either man glowers at the other, although Fett is unreadable under his helmet.

The way this had been set up, two mock bunkers have been set up to replicate an advanced alien world where each side might be fighting. They've even used real ferrocrete and alabative alloys. In each fake fort, two targets are hidden behind portholes from where in real life they could provide fire without losing too much cover and two more targets are mobile and behind mock weapons systems.

As the experts get ready to kill, Geoff explains how this will work. "Okay, each man has got thirty seconds at each station. At that station you'll have a weapon available to you and you'll do your best to kill the designated target. You can only kill one target per station. If you break the rules we'll start all over again and the cheater will be tarred and feathered."

Worf has no worries about this conflict. "I shall obey the rules, though I have my worries about the bounty hunter." He adds with a sneer. "The Mandalorians are without honour."

To this Fett has no reply. He just chuckles a bit and rubs a finger on the trigger of his blaster. Yeah, he keeps a few Klingon skulls in his ship to use as ash trays.

Fett and Worf stand at a marked position before their respective mock bunkers. Both men are unarmed, at least with official weapons. In reality Worf and Fett both are packing personal weapons. Each man sizes up the other like marathon runners at the start of a race.

Geoff gives the countdown and the testing officially begins. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . GO!"

Instantly, Fett and Worf both grab a box of roses off the ground and tear them open. Roses and red flower petals fall on the ground as they pull out their long range weapons.

Worf fires his weapon first, but Fett is only milliseconds behind the Klingon. Squeezing the trigger, Worf sprays the first dummy with the dominion's lethal Coagulation Ray; which causes the smallest bump or bruise to lead to fatal bleeding.

Meanwhile, Fett starts to open fire with the EE-3 Carbine Rifle. The Jem'Hadar dummy is peppered with crimson blaster bolts. Large carbon burns are seen on the anti-energy armour while the head shots melt the dummy's gel head. It's fair to say that sucker bought the moisture farm.

With both of their enemies dead, Worf and Fett sprint to the next station. Despite his heavy armour, Fett manages to keep up with Worf's olmpian pace without resorting to using his jet pack.

This time the weapons are encased in a big old box of chocolates. Each fighter rips open their respective boxes open, scattering Bernard Calibeaux all over the ground. This time Fett goes first with his gun.

The Mandalore heavy repeater rains hell down on the mock dominion soldier like the wrath of the gods. This time it's clear that the dominion issue armour is no match for the intense firepower behind the Mandalorian warrior.

Worf however works furiously to make up the difference. He opens fire on the Mandalorian dummy but with a considerably lower rate of fire than what Fett is putting out. Still, Worf is smart.

The war savvy Klingon fires his weapon between the plates of the Mandalorian armour. Using his weapon like an improvised saw, Worf actually decapitates the dummy.

They run to the next target—bombs away.

At each bomb station there is a chicken coop full of chickens. Not waiting to knock, Worf rips down the door of the chicken coop and starts throwing and kicking chickens aside like they've insulted his honour.

The angry and terrified hens peck and claw at Worf and shit all over the place but soon Worf finds what he's looking for.

The angry Klingon warrior of Star Fleet holds up a detonator and presses the button. Inside the bunker, a subspace mine appears next to the Mandalorian dummy. The resulting kaboom is fantastic; that bastard may have had a better chance against a rampaging rancor. Chunks of gel and bits of once working Mandalorian armour go flying all over the place.

Meanwhile, Fett activates his wrist mounted flame thrower and barbecues the chickens that get in his way. Over the stench of scorched feathers and the sizzle of original recipe chicken, Fett grabs the atomic compression grenade and lugs it at the current target.

There is a tense moment as Fett's grenade almost doesn't clear the bunker wall, but he just barely makes it. It looks like Fett needs to work on his throwing arm.

The dominion soldier stands no chance. He melts under the atomic fire like plastic figures in the microwave.

The last target is revealed as the doors of the bunker open dramatically, revealing one last dummy per man.

From out of a hidden panel, air compressors fire a deadly payload at Boba Fett and Worf. Next to each man, a beskad and a Jem'Hadar combat knife land in the dirt.

Both fighters scramble for their weapons and charge at the targets. This time, Boba had no qualms about using his jet pack.

Taking off in a roar of flame, Fett flies up and comes down on the Jem'Hadar dummy like a hungry hawk-bat.

The mighty swing, combined with Fett's downward momentum nearly slices the Jem'Hadar from crown of the head to sternum. The force is so great that Fett struggles to free his blade.

Despite the fact that Fett has already killed his target, Worf doesn't slow down or lose heart. Roaring with Klingon battle cries on his tongue, Worf charges at the Mandalorian and drives the blade through the visor of the Mandalorian. The T-shaped visor is penetrated but doesn't shatter.

Worf twists the blade before freeing it. Then he starts to stab at any of the armour's weak points. First he kicks the target around and stabs the Mandalorian in the spice just under the back plate. Then he stabs into both of the armpits from underneath before attacking the armoured neck like a screaming fanatic.

At last, Geoff calls for the experiment to stop but Worf keeps going. The three hosts watch in horror as Worf continues to go apeshit on the target. The Fourth Doctor merely watches on with fascination and grabs himself a jelly baby. Mack has mysteriously vanished.

And Robert Daly is sitting back at his computer, still typing.

At last, Worf rips the helmet off the Mandalorian and starts to maul his neck with his teeth. It's only after Worf has ripped a large chunk of flesh from the dummy's neck with his teeth that he finally stops.

The Starfleet Klingon then pulls out a stick of chewing gum and starts to savour the minty goodness.

Max is shocked. He points at Worf and says, "I wouldn't want to get into a fight with that guy."

"Agreed," say both Geoff and Armand.

Suddenly there is an explosion just left of Max. The nerd is knocked over and disoriented, but not severely injured. The sturdy computer table luckily took the brunt of the bomb.

There is much screaming and confusion and Worf and Fett rush over to help in any way they can.

Giving the area a cursory examination, Worf gives a diagnosis. "It would appear that someone has set up this area with an extra subspace mine; possibly to sabotage this test." Immediately, Worf glares at Fett, but Fett makes no claim of innocence or guilt.

The Fourth Doctor is back after losing his hat in the explosion. "Well if nothing else that provided us with a good thrill. At least no one was hurt."

Just at the moment, Mack shows up. "Sorry guys, I was taking a whiz when I heard an explosion, what happened." He pauses for a moment when he sees that Max is still alive.

"I nearly got blown up," says Max. "Someone left a subspace mine right here."

Mack purses his lips and shrugs. "Well, you're okay and we really ought to do a test to see who's alive after this."

After Max has been given time to cool down after that unfortunate accident, they all start to examine the damage. This time the Doctor takes point. For added convenience, the dummies have all been moved and placed in a line like a collection of POW's.

The time travelling alien walks up to the first Mandalorian and gives him a scan with the sonic screwdriver. "Well, this bloke is most definitely alive. If anything I'd wager that the beskar foam lining in his armour saved him." The Doctor smiles brightly at the camera, nearly blinding it. "Beskar is a most wonderful alloy. In the right hands it can be a steel hard enough to stop a light sabre, a lightweight foam, a paste and a thousand other different forms."

He turns to Worf. "Sorry my good fellow, but this battle belongs to the Mandalorians."

They inspect the corresponding Jem'Hadar dummy. Armand peels off the anti-energy armour of the Jem'Hadar. "Well, this stuff did save him. He's going to need a new suit of armour but he'll live." Armand then points at the melted head of the dummy. "Except for this, he'd live."

Next up are the weapons testing dummies which were used to demonstrate the ability of the medium ranged weapons.

Armand points to the headless Mandalorian dummy and the Jem'Hadar mock-up. "Well the headless guy is dead, duh. And the second guy was destroyed by the Mandalore heavy repeater; looks like the dominion need to upgrade their troop's armour."

The next two dummies are basically heaps of ruined gel and armour. Armand's diagnosis is easy for this one. "They're both dead, but the Mandalorian gets an edge just because he's in bigger pieces than his adversary."

The Fourth Doctor takes the last two dummies. "I think you shall find that this dummy shall yield the most entertainment and edification to our audiences."

A scan of his sonic screwdriver and the Doctor is in the house. "Well, for one thing, the blade to the spine has turned this Mandalorian into a mere jelly sandwich." The time traveller turns to Boba. "It looks as if you shall have to make some modifications to your armour." Fett nods at the constructive criticism and allows the Time Lord to finish.

"The blade to the eye will have this man needing an eye patch but Mr. Worf failed to penetrate the brain. Also the wounds to the other weak points of the armour, there is no danger of immediate death."

The Doctor elaborates for everyone. "Inside the plate armour is a layer of beskar chain mail, which is riveted, not butted."

The three hosts plus Mack confer. "Well," says Mack, "I've got to give our faction category edge to the Mandalorians. They may not be able to turn invisible at will like the Jem'Hadar but their armour and Jet packs make all the difference."

"Agreed," say the three original hosts.

Edge: Mandalorian Faction

Announcer: _With the two main factions out of the way, we start the individual fighters with our more unique fighters. Both of them are put together because they couldn't match up with anyone else and they're both British . . . we bring you Doctor Who and Christopher Hitchens! _

The three hosts show up along with Mack. It looks like the Doctor is here to be more than just a guest host, he's also an expert.

And demon hunting evolutionary biologist and porn star Richard Dawkins is back for more good fun.

"Good to see you again, Professor Dawkins," Geoff greets the English man heartily.

Dawkins smiles with good grace. "The feeling is mutual, I assure you, Geoff." He turns and smiles at Armand and Max. "It also gladdens my heart to see two more familiar faces, as well as two new faces."

The Fourth Doctor beams at this while Mack merely nods.

"So what have you been up to, Professor?" asks Max.

Dawkin's grey eyebrows go up. "Well, demon hunting has been rather slow as of late, which luckily has allowed me time to commence a study on the evolution of cricket mating calls as well as star and direct in a new pornographic film."

Max smiles but seems a bit put off that the elderly Dawkins is also a porn actor. "Well, good luck with all your stuff."

The camera shifts to an outdoor setting where multiple white foam dummies hand from pulley mechanisms.

"Okay Professor Dawkins," instructs Mack, who doesn't show Dawkins the same friendliness as the others. "This is the circle of death; you'll be timed on how long it takes you to kill all the targets available."

Dawkins nods with understanding, "Loud and clear, my friend."

"And as an added bonus, we want you to finish off the test with the deadly Hitch Slap."

Dawkins blushes. "Well I'm rather good but I don't know if I can do the infamous Hitch Slap." He chuckles and shrugs, "But I guess I'd better be a sport about it."

Grabbing his weapons, Professor Dawkins steps into the middle of the circle of death and prepares to unleash hell on their foam asses.

This time Mack gives the call. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . Attack!"

Immediately, Dawkins opens up with the twin combination of the ninjato and the kusari-gama. Swinging the metal ball on the end of the chain to get momentum, Dawkins simultaneously slices off the head of a passing dummy.

Bringing his arm around in an arc, he caves in the head of another dummy.

Skilfully changing his grip, he grabs the scythe end of the kusari-gama and stabs it deeply into the head of a passing dummy and then uses the custom made hand guard to break the dummy's stupid face.

Throwing down the sword and kusari-gama, Dawkins throws a flurry of razor sharp metal "A's" at the hearts and throats of the targets.

A large bull's-eye target zips by on a pulley only for a killer A to hit the center.

One dummy remains. Dawkins kicks open a wooden chest next to him. Out of the chest he pulls out a Japanese harquebus called a tanegashima.

Like a pro, he takes the Japanese black powder, matchlock weapon and draws a bead on the moving target.

Though not really accurate beyond fifty yards, Dawkins has no problem gunning down the target at twenty five yards.

There is thunder and smoke and a large, heavy musket ball blows the dummy's synthetic brains to bits.

Yet this is not at all over. As soon as the gun has fired, a giant fire breathing dragon swoops out of the sky and dive-bombs the English professor.

Dawkins however doesn't appear to be the least bit afraid. Instead, he jumps up, defying gravity like a tweed wearing super sayan and gives the dragon a mighty slap.

The slap is so powerful that the top of the dragon's five foot long head is torn right off. The neck twits around as the wings go limp and the dragon hits the ground with the sound of bursting organs and shattering bone. Behind Dawkins, a whole hillside is on fire—all in a day's work. It looks more epic than any action movie ever made.

With the data gathered, the three hosts look at the Doctor. Max is sceptical that the time lord can do better. "I don't know Doc, do you think you can top that?"

The Doctor is flabbergasted. "Can I do better? Is the sky blue? Is the galaxy old? Does the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork do a raw blink on Hari-Kari rock?"

At the last one, Max just goes, "What?"

"Tally ho!" shouts the Doctor, who runs into his own circle of death without even waiting for the countdown to start.

Unlike most warriors, the Doctor half skips to the ring of death—most merrily in fact. The first thing he does is go up to a brick wall that's been set up and put his fist right through it. The guys gasp in shock; they knew that the Doctor was stronger than a human but they had no idea.

With a hole put through a brick wall two bricks thick, the Doctor turns to an astronaut suit which he starts to kick the shit out of using moves from Venusian Jujitsu. It looks a lot like Solid Snake's CQC fighting style but actually better. The Doctor then switches his fighting style for the more brutal melee arts of the Ice Warriors of mars.

It's not long before the sturdy astronaut suit is torn to shreds. From out behind a white picket fence pop up three foam dummies with two guns and a sword. The sword and guns are real, as is the ammo but the Doctor is ready.

Drawing his sonic screwdriver like an old West gunfighter, the Doctor presses the button and works magic. Instantly, the machineguns in the dummy's hands jam and the sword in the middle dummy's hand jumps away like it's spring loaded.

Pulling out a hand mirror, the Doctor smashes one dummy over the head and then begins to duel wield two pieces of broken mirror like a knife fighter; he uses his scarf to avoid cutting his hands on the sharp glass shards.

Dropping the glass shards, the Doctor takes his sonic screwdriver and throws it at one dummy. The screwdriver embeds itself four inches into the dummy's head, a most fatal blow.

The guys are taken aback by this. Evidently there is no such thing as a non-lethal weapon, only less than lethal. Well, this silences any voices who say that the sonic screwdriver can't stop a zombie.

Still moving with the energy of a cheetah on speed, the Doctor then grabs a skip rope and starts to skip at speeds which far surpass even the greatest Olympic jump ropers.

While he skips and jumps at a speed to fast to measure, the doctor starts to chant a little ditty.

_Charlie Chaplin went to France_

_To teach the ladies how to dance._

_First the heel, then the toe,_

_Then the splits, and around you go!_

_Salute to the Captain,_

_Bow to the Queen,_

_And turn your back on the submarine!_

Reaching into his pocket, the Doctor pulls out a jammy dodger cookie and primes the energy matrix that will turn the small cookie into a lethal bomb.

Throwing it like a baseball pitcher, the cookie lands in the middle of a scrap yard, where it blows up and generates a humongous mushroom cloud. Melted and shredded car parts are scattered as far as the eye can see and nothing remains.

Suddenly, a zombie tank from Left 4 Dead springs out of a hidden trap door and charges the doctor. The tank roars and howls as it charges the Doctor but the Doctor is as nonchalant as if he's being attacked by a kitten.

When the tank is almost within arm's reach of the Doctor, the TARDIS drops out of the sky and lands right on top of the over muscular zombie. The tank is instantly crushed like a cockroach under a boot.

Then the Doctor runs and solves seven Rubik's cubes and an impossible mathematical paradox that's been puzzling mathematicians for centuries. He solves them all in five seconds.

The Doctor sniffs and adjusts his mega long scarf before commencing with the last part of his test.

He jumps out of the ring of death and grabs the tanegashima from Richard Dawkins hands. Dawkins has just finished reloading the musket and tries to take it back from the Doctor; easier said than done.

The Doctor flashes one of those million watt smiles and cocks the musket for firing, the red match glows even in the noon day sun.

The Fourth Doctor spins his gun dramatically around his finger like an old gunfighter. Then suddenly, he takes the harquebus and fires it three times in a row and shoots three bleached buffalo skulls that are half buried on the hillside.

With the test concluded, Geoff stops the stopwatch and everyone is . . . is . . . just floored. It's lucky that the Doctor is such a nice guy, because if he really went mental then even Alucard from Hellsing and the Joker would be begging for mercy.

Time passes and nobody quite knows what to say. Professor Dawkins adjusts his glasses as if he may have just hallucinated the whole thing.

At last, Doctor Dorian breaks the stunned silence. "You just fired three shots in a row . . . from a single shot weapon . . . without even reloading."

The Doctor grins brightly. "It's all in the wrist, old boy. If you ever have the time I may teach you that technique."

"River Song is really going to love you," says Geoff.

The Doctor frowns. "Who is River Song, pray tell?"

The guys realize they made a boo-boo. This version of the Doctor hasn't met River song yet.

"Uh," stutters Max, "River song is just some hooker that Geoff knows. She's very hot."

The Doctor's frown vanishes and he smiles again. "Well I do love a good lady of the night from time to time."

Everyone is just about to start moving onto the next test when suddenly a crossbow bolt narrowly misses hitting Max in the heart. The loveable computer nerd tripped over a rock just as a bolt whizzed past his chest.

The presence of the bolt immediately puts Max into a state of panic. "Holy shit! Who saw that?"

Almost on as if on cue, Mack pops up from behind a foam dummy wielding a crossbow. "Sorry," apologizes the ex-Navy SEAL. "I was just giving this guy a tune up when his weapon slipped. My bad.

Everyone else, even the Doctor seems eager to put the incident behind them, but Max is a little bit anxious. He waits for a few seconds before moving on to the next exam.

Announcer: _As Professor Dawkins is sent packing with a gift basket containing some scented oil and a loufa, our next match up will be primarily psychological rather than physical. _

_Up ahead we test to see who is crazier, Charlie Bronson or Revy. _

The camera zooms into Mack's special touch table, which is actually looking pretty cool. He's got mug shots shown of Rebecca "Revy" Change and Charlie Bronson respectively.

In her mug shot, Revy is looking smug and lazy and almost sexy. She's somehow hot a cigarette in her mouth, which I'm sure that the criminal photographers tried to take from her. Incidentally she's also giving the finger to the camera as she holds up her info on a placard.

Charlie is much more jolly looking in his picture. He's giving the camera thumbs up in his mug shot—probably taken minutes before he went insane and kicked the living shit out of whoever was taking his picture.

Geoff and Mack stand over the touch table, ready to analyze the psyches of these two decidedly insane people

"So what have we got, Mack?" Geoff asks.

Mack gets right into it, zooming in on images of each fighter and pulling up their individual rap sheets. "Well, these two are pretty much the scum of the universe. Revy is a crazy psycho bitch who loves guns more than she loves cocks and will just as soon kill you as look at you."

Mack taps the touch table and the pictures of each fighter change. It now shows a picture of Revy in a gunfight and Charlie buck naked fighting six guards at once. "Charlie is a possibly bipolar man-child who alternates between childish playfulness and raging bull on steroids. Charlie is mentally insane and by far isn't driven by anything rational, like money."

He bluntly states what Charlie is after. "Charlie just wants to be famous."

Geoff shakes his head. "Well, he went about it a very interesting way."

But Geoff has to pop the question. "So Mack, who is crazier?"

Mack shakes his head and exhales. "Oh, Charlie for sure; I mean, Revy is a fucking loony but Charlie's got balls of steel and a brain made out of skittles."

"Single handedly he caused three quarter of a million pounds in damages over a forty seven hour period with hostages in tow."

Mack holds up his hand to silence protest. "Granted, Revy has gone her fair share of damage in her adopted country of Ronapur, but she's had the help of guns and explosives."

"So the edge goes to Charlie," says Geoff.

"Edge goes to Charlie," says Mack.

Edge: Charlie is crazier

Announcer: _And now just for kicks let's check up on Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart_

The camera shifts to show the office of Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart at UNIT. The usually tidy office is a mess, furniture is destroyed and papers are strewn about all over the place.

The normally stiff upper lip Brigadier is currently strapped down into a wheelchair so that his arms and limbs are immobile. He's frantically trying to pull on a string with his teeth that is attached to a gun which is bolted down to the desk in front of him. He can't kill himself though because the trigger needs to be pulled backwards.

As the wheelchair rocks back and forth, Sarah-Jane Smith opens up the door to his office. "Brigadier?" she asks demurely.

"What is it Smith?" The Brigadier grunts out from clenched teeth. "Can't you see I'm trying to blow my fucking brains out?"

"Ah, yes sir, but you see the Doctor called," says Sarah Jane, quite worried about the whole situation.

The Brigadier looks over Sarah-Jane, "Which Doctor?"

"The Sixth Doctor," she replies. "He called to say that if you can't kill yourself properly he'll come over and do the job for you."

The Brigadier gives a happy, insane laugh. "Jolly good, bring him over on the double.

Announcer: _And back to our regularly scheduled programming. We get right back in the game with the comparison of Wolverine and Batman. _

In for our Wolverine expert is none other than Deadpool, the Merc with the Mouth.

On cue, Deadpool jumps onto the stage. "Yo, what up, biatches?" the mouthy mercenary crows happily. "I'm Motherfuckin' Deadpool, everyone's favourite fourth wall breaker, here to enhance the enjoyment of one of the most inaccurate historically accurate shows on TV."

He then turns and addresses the TV screen directly. "Oh for god's sake, it's on Spike TV. You want accuracy; then go to the discovery channel."

Before Deadpool can rant any further, a big white gloved hand comes down from the sky and smacks him like a fly. The announcer speaks.

Announcer: _Sit down, Deadpool; because I will not hesitate to spread you. Yes, I have the power of the Super Smash Bro's hand. _

_Uh, anyway . . . introducing the expert for Batman we have none other than the Dark Knight's faithful butler, Alfred Pennyworth. _

Alfred waves gracefully to the camera; his measured and cultured persona is the total opposite of the psychotic Deadpool. "It is a pleasure to be here, everyone," Alfred signs charmingly. Though to be honest he'd rather be somewhere else other than this vulgar show.

Alfred and Deadpool stand side by side. Both men eye each other with a professional eye. Alfred used to be British secret service and Deadpool is a professional mercenary, despite his goofy mannerisms.

Finally Deadpool quietly comments on his rival. "So, I see you're the Alfred from the animated series."

Alfred is utterly confused.

"That's good," says Deadpool. "Michael Cain and Michael Goff were fine but I like the animated Batman the best."

Again, Alfred doesn't know what to say. He just keeps looking straight ahead and pretends that he didn't hear anything.

Announcer: _For this test, Deadpool has graciously volunteered his services in place of a ballistics gel dummy. _

Deadpool stands in front of a firing range with a t-shirt on that has a target on it. He's also busy taunting Alfred. "Hey loser!" the Merc shouts. "Why don't we get started, you British homo!"

Alfred merely stands stoically with a table full of batman's weapons by the side of him. But you really know that on the inside, Alfred just wants to kick Deadpool's ass.

The faithful Wayne Butler turns to Geoff. "Shall I begin, Geoffrey?"

Geoff looks down at his stopwatch. He hits the button to begin. "Yeah, go for it Alfred."

First, Alfred grabs a batarang just as Deadpool is starting to make gay jokes about Batman.

"Hey Alfred! I hear that Batman really tired out Robin last night with all the festivities! Where'd he find Robin? Was it at the Circus or a San Francisco bathhouse?"

As easily as tossing darts, Alfred grabs a batarang and throws it at Deadpool. The bladed instrument flies through the air and hits Deadpool right in the eye.

The mercenary cries out. "Oh shit!" he jumps up and down and pulls the sharp batarang from his eye. "Alfred, you're a bastard!"

Alfred just smirks a bit, and then tosses two more batarangs at Deadpool. One of them hits him in the knee and knocks him off his feet, the other one hits him in the groin. Deadpool's taunting and such has been reduced to mere whimpers. Deadpool is silently chanting to himself to think about the money, think about the money.

While he's thinking about the money, Alfred activates the remote control batarang. This flying high tech device of pain flies around Deadpool like a vulture, swooping down to hit the mercenary repeatedly in the head.

Deadpool grunts and groans in pain as his coconut is knocked back and forth like a boxer's speedball.

Yet Alfred still isn't done with Deadpool. Taking the Ultra-Batclaw, he fires the device so that it grabs at Deadpool's testicles with its cold, mechanical claw.

The merc with a mouth squeaks in pain. "Uncle," he chokes out. "I give." Truly he'd had enough. But they give him a cash bonus for every injury he takes on the show.

Alfred just smiles at Deadpool. "Of course, Mr. Wilson." At that, he hits a remote control and detonates the explosive gel under Deadpool's feet. Deadpool is blown to bits. There's a giant smoke cloud and two of Deadpool's legs go flying from out of it.

When the dust clears, Alfred starts to use a mop and bucket to clean up Deadpool's blood from the location.

Announcer: _While Deadpool takes time to heal, we bring two experts who can shed light on both Anakin Skywalker and the Mask. _

Appearing before the camera is a tall, light skinned man with close cropped black hair and an expression which can only belong to one who's spent a lifetime of killing things. This is none other than Galan Marek, aka Starkiller. The man used to be Darth Vader's secret apprentice, and nobody knows Vader like this man does.

In his hand he carries some sort of pet carrier.

Marek puts down the pet carrier and begins to work with the door on it. "My name is Galen Marek. For almost twenty years I worked as an assassin for Lord Vader."

He has some difficulty with the carrier door but it doesn't stop his introduction. "As such, I am intimately familiar with the ways of the dark side; perhaps even more so than my old master."

Galen finally pries open the pet carrier and looks inside. "Roger, come out now." He calls. When nothing happens, he starts to get irritated and reaches his hand in. "Roger, now is not the time for shyness. Come out now or—OW!"

Marek pulls his hand from the pet carrier with a lobster pinching hard on his fingers. Frantically, the dark side assassin waves his arm around trying to dislodge the angry crustacean.

While Starkiller is doing the pain dance, Roger rabbit pops out of the pet carrier with a one-man-band set of gear on his back. Roger is dancing and playing the old Loony Toons theme with his band kit.

Max, Geoff and Armand immediately begin to start laughing and cheering at Roger's lively song and dance. Meanwhile, Mack is up in the rafters with an axe. He cuts a rope and a giant sandbag nearly hits Max . . . luckily it misses but Max doesn't notice because of Roger Rabbit's song and dance number.

Meanwhile the Fourth Doctor steps in, jamming with Roger and pretty soon the Time Lord and the Toon are dancing in tandem.

As Roger's musical number finishes, Marek manages to use his lightsabre to slice the lobster in half; killing the malicious little beasty.

"Ta-da!" go the Doctor and Roger as soon as the last note rings. Roger gives the Doctor a knuckle tap and then throws off his band gear. "Thank you, thank you," the Rabbit crows happily. "I'll be here all week, ladies and germs."

Geoff is ecstatic with glee. "Oh man this is amazing! You brought Roger Rabbit to Deadliest Warrior!"

"That is the shit!" Max agrees.

"Can I get your autograph?" Armand asks, giving Roger a piece of wood and a giant bowie knife to sign.

Galen Marek doesn't share the guy's enthusiasm though. Instead, he powers down his lightsabre and grabs a piece of wood off a work bench that's full of nails.

He advances on Roger Rabbit with the nail filled two-by-four. Give the guy a break; he was raised by Darth Vader; that would give anybody a short fuse and a head full of problems.

Roger gives a little "eep" and then runs behind Max's leg for protection. Simultaneously, Geoff tries to calm down Starkiller and prevent him from going on the warpath. "Whoa man, take it easy. We're all amigos here."

Marek nods and puts down the board he's holding.

After a few minutes, Marek and Roger Rabbit stand in a makeshift octagon. It looks like a cross between the _Ultimate Fighter_ ring and a street fighting death match arena.

"This is a demonstration of toon physics are the powers of the force. For this occasion I'll be imitating Lord Vader's lightsabre style from prior to his imprisonment in the suit."

Deviating from his usual lightsabre style, Marek has one sabre with him, all the better to utilize Form V: Djem Sho—way of the krayt dragon. Roger by contrast has nothing but zeal. The highly excitable cartoon rabbit is wearing a set of boxing trunks and gloves. "Put em up, buster!" Roger shouts enthusiastically. "Put em up, put em up! I'll take ya. I'll take ya all on. You'll have to call the police on me!"

To start, Marek gives Roger a pretty easy start; a basic sweep characteristic of Anakin Skywalker's overwhelming broad stroke style. Roger Rabbit barely dodges the blow, scorching some hairs in the process. This causes Roger to lose his boxer's spiel and pull out a white flag. "Peace?" Roger asks.

In response, uses his lightsabre to slice in half the white flag and then goes in for a decapitation move. Roger continues to dodge Marek's strikes, which according to the motion detector are well above the speed of snake strikes.

With nowhere to run, Roger sees a conveniently placed rope hanging from the ceiling with a card on it that says "_pull me_." The rabbit is happy to comply and when he does, a giant spiked ball of death drops on the ceiling on Marek.

Marek however uses the power of the force to easily throw aside the multi-ton spiked ball. The hosts duck as the giant death ball flies over their heads and takes out a wall.

Marek is about to slice down Roger for that lousy rope trick when a pie hits him in the face—banana coconut cream pie to be exact.

Drawing on his hate, Marek wipes the pie away from his face and renews his attack, pulling out thermal detonators, a clone wars blaster and a barrage of force lighting.

The lightning by far is the most effective weapon, burning Roger's powder puff tail and sending him flying through the air.

Marek goes in to finish off his enemy but slips on a banana peel. While he's down on the ground, Roger appears before him with his own lightsabre. To finish the effect, Roger's even dressed up like Obi-Wan from the original series. Roger Rabbit then tries to do a Jedi mind trick on Marek, "You will buy me a carrot cake after this and a case of beer."

Marek merely scowls at Roger. "Losers say what."

"What?" Roger asks, breaking his character.

Suddenly, Marek uses the power of the force to hit Roger in the face with a frying pan. Roger is down for the count, the toon falls to the ground with x's for eyes. Marek just grins and shoves Roger back into the pet carrier. "Sleep well, you jittery little freak." Marek curses.

Marek then turns and shakes hands with The Fourth Doctor, Mack and the three hosts. "Thank you all for having me," he says warmly. "I hope to see you again—without the crazy rabbit in tow."

"Well Marek, it was our pleasure," Max says. "If you want we're serving coffee and donuts in the lounge with the other guest hosts." He points off to the right, where Dawkins, Worf, Fett and the other guest hosts are lounging around and relaxing.

Announcer: _to analyze the results, we bring out again Mack and his touch table. _

The hosts and the Doctor crowd around the touch table, which has pictures of the Mask and Anakin Skywalker on it. "Well this test was designed primarily to determine which is greater, the powers of the force or toon logic and physics."

Mack taps a few times and pulls up footage of the Mask fighting Kratos. "The Mask is absolutely fatal, that's for certain. He did kill Kratos."

Suddenly the touch table fades into static and Mack shouts "Ah, no! No! NO!"

However nothing he does can get rid of that fuzzy screen. "Robert you son of a bitch! You said you'd fix it!"

Back at Robert Daly's table, Robert Daly is typing on his laptop when he promptly gives Mack the finger. The camera pans around and reveals that the computer he's typing isn't even turned on.

From the side of the touch table, Mack angrily storms off and grabs a big bowie knife from his belt. Looks like Robert is in for a world of pain.

Luckily, the Fourth Doctor takes matters into his own hands. From inside his long coat, he pulls out his sonic screwdriver and gives the table a quick once over. "He didn't have to get mad, I'm sure," says the Doctor. He takes to operating the table, just as good as Mack could.

"Now this test essentially was to pit the power of the force against the unpredictable nature of toon logic," the Doctor states as he brings up a picture of Marek and Roger Rabbit. "I assure you gentlemen that I have fought many a toon before."

He pauses as he remembers tales of daring do. "Yes, I've fought all kinds of toons; from treacherous nineteen-forties Disney villains to blood soaked anime characters with mental instability."

He flashes a bright grin at the camera. "But this Doctor needs no paint brush or eraser to vanquish the odd rogue toon."

Meanwhile, the screen flashes to the inside of the TARDIS. This wing of the Doctor's famous time machine is full of cages that are full of toons. Gnashing their teeth and pulling at the bars are famous anime psychos like Guts from _Berserk, _Cel from the _Dragonball _franchise and Naraku from _Inuyasha_, who is busy banging a metal dog bowl against the cell bars. "

"You'll pay for this, Doctor!" screams Guts.

Also in cages are the weasels from _Who framed Roger Rabbit_ and the Coachman from Pinocchio. The Doctor caught that red coated bastard involved in some hefty illegal shit. Unlike his screaming compatriots, the Coachman carefully plots his vengeance.

Back at the fight club, Robert Daly is lying on the ground in pool of his own blood. He's got multiple bruises and cuts on his face and somebody busted his laptop over his head.

Back at the touch table, Mack is breathing heavily and holding a bloody knife in his hand. Max, Geoff and Armand are huddled together, scared shitless of the former SEAL. The Doctor just pulls out a breath mint and makes a gesture to offer Mack one; who politely declines.

"So anyway," Mack pants. "From what we can tell, both the force and toon powers are very potent. In this case, we've got to give it a tie. While Anakin may be one of the greatest Jedi of all time, the toon powers of the mask are deadly and effective in their own right. The Mask is the kind of guy who feeds off of other people's angers; highly effective against a hothead like Anakin."

"For that," says Mack, "I'm calling a draw on Force powers and toon powers, because like Roger demonstrated . . . if it's funny, it could end the fight badly for the Mask."

Everybody is too afraid to disagree with Mack. "I'm going to go see if Robert is still alive," says Armand.

Max goes to follow him. "I'll go with him."

Before he goes, Mack gently touches Max's shoulder and says to him in a sinister voice. "Don't go anywhere alone." Max is greatly creeped out by this and rushes off to help Robert.

Draw: Force Powers vs. Toon Logic

Announcer: _And now Deadpool has sufficiently healed for him to continue the testing. _

Deadpool stands before four dummies dressed in spare batsuits that Alfred has managed to acquire. "Okay ladies and germs," says Deadpool, "I'm about to put a beat down on gelatine Batman's bitch ass. Tomorrow I'll beat down the real thing."

Off to the side, Alfred smiles condescendingly at Deadpool while sipping on a lemonade.

First he pulls out the Bren Light machine gun. With practiced ease, Deadpool empties the weapon's not inconsiderable clip into the Batman's armour. At first hit holds but halfway through the clip, fake blood starts to pour from the cracks. For emphasis, Deadpool shoots at the head, putting slugs into the fake Batman's head.

As he puts down his gun, Deadpool begins to sing. "_You get a line and I'll get a pole baby, you get a line and I'll get a pole friend!_"

He grabs Captain America's shield and tosses it at the gel batman, utterly shattering the jaw of the dummy and rebounding back into Deadpool's hands.

Gently laying down the shield, Deadpool grabs the flash bang grenade used in the earlier episode. This time Deadpool has taped twenty four flash bang grenades together. Though it's rather heavy, Deadpool tosses it onto the feet of the faux Batman. Then pulling out his pistol, Deadpool blows up the back and when the smoke clears, there's almost nothing left of the Batman dummy.

"That's three batmen dead," Wade crows, "Just one to go. This'll be a piece of cake."

For the finishing touch, Deadpool grabs an imitation set of adamantium claws to represent Wolverine's most iconic weapons. He walks up to the last Batman dummy and slashes it across the abdomen. The armour opens up like the Red sea and fake guts spill out.

Deadpool swipes the claws lazily across the chest, cutting through the bat suit and cutting through the heart and lungs.

"And for the finish," Deadpool drawls lazily.

He swings the claws as hard as he can at the neck, hoping to slice off the Bat's head. Because as badass as he is, Batman can't survive without his head. Or can he?

This time it isn't so easy, Deadpool's claws can barely touch the armoured neck before an electrical charge travels up the claws and into Deadpool's body. The mercenary screams in pain and drops dead from the electric shock. The charge is so bright that we can briefly see his skeleton.

A smoking Deadpool lays on the ground unmoving. Alfred steps over his temporarily lifeless body. "Master Bruce devised this as a last ditch effort to prevent both his head from being removed and from his mask being taken from him." Alfred pauses to look at a now twitching Deadpool. "Evidently Master Bruce's design worked out smashingly."

The hosts are back at the game, sitting around with the Fourth Doctor while once more Mack seems to be missing. Apparently he's with his beloved touch table, fearing that Robert might screw it up again.

Before they can talk about who is better, Wolverine or Batman—and start a huge nerd debate—Max airs some concerns.

"Hey guys," he says with a worried expression on his face. "I think that Mack might be trying to kill me."

The guys don't really believe him. "That's crazy, Max. What's gotten into you?" Geoff asks.

"I've read Mack's psychological profile," Armand says, "Mack might have suffered some brain trauma in the past but he's totally cool."

Only the Fourth Doctor seems to think that Max's worries might be valid. "You'll be fine, Max. At most there is only a fifty percent chance that Mack wants to kill you. If he does, I will be there to save you."

"Thanks Doc," says Max. Though worried about a sniper's bullet, he turns around and sees Mack at the touch table. There is a loaded handgun on the table. Mack makes eye contact with Max; then he takes the gun and rotates it on the table so that the barrel is facing at Max. Then Mack points at Max as if to you, "_You_'_re next_."

Announcer: _Well I don't think that Mack is trying to kill our resident nerd; the fans would never allow it. But after some debate, Wolverine takes the lead since his regeneration and adamantium skeleton gives him an edge. _

Edge: Wolverine

Announcer: _While many our warriors have superhuman or inhuman ability, here are two warriors who are human through and through. Solid Snake and the man who inspired the Metal Gear video game series, Snake Pliskin. _

"Well, it looks like the battle of the twin Snakes," Geoff jokes. Only Max laughs at his joke. Mack and the Fourth Doctor don't seem to hear. Armand seems indifferent.

For the Snake experts we have Solid Snake's own clone daddy, Big Boss. For Pliskin, we bring in former Green Beret and current elementary school principle Seymour Skinner.

The two experts could not be more different. Big Boss looks like some kind of military revolutionary; like a page taken directly from Che Guevara's how-to book. Skinner on the other hand is an unassuming and somewhat geeky looking man.

Big Boss explains about his son. "I never really saw David as a son, but I always respected him as a man and a soldier. He did after all manage to burn me alive with a flamethrower and kill those rat bastards who call himself brothers." He snorts at the last statement. Solid Snake was the only one of his sons that he liked in any capacity.

Skinner talks, but he commands much less respect than big boss. "I fought in 'Nam; multiple tours of duty. Plissken fought in Nam briefly before the start of World War Three."

He straightens his tie and goes on. "I never knew him personally but I knew of his exploits and up until he turned to a life of crime he was a soldier that everyone looked up to."

"Hey Skinner," Geoff says to the principle. "I heard about your mom dying. You have my condolences man."

Skinner nods and acts like he's grieving. "Yes, mother died in a tragic accident. She passed on peacefully while cleaning my favourite axe . . . with her neck."

Looks like Principle Skinner finally got tired of mom's nagging and did something about it.

Moments pass and Big Boss and Skinner are facing down each other in a circle of scotch tape. Mats are placed down on the floor for safety purposes. Armand stands between the two men, reliving his _Ultimate Fighter Days_. "Okay Gents, here's how it works," the good doctor elaborates. "This is a test of the men. Snake and Plissken have similar arsenals but we want to see who the better soldier is. Since we can't actually get Snake Plissken and Solid Snake here right now, you two are the best we've got."

Skinner and Big Boss look at each other with a nod of respect. Then they strip down to battle gear. Big Boss throws off the trench coat he's wearing and reveals his camo military gear underneath.

Principle Skinner meanwhile tears off his shirt and dress pants just like Groundskeeper Willy does. Underneath it all, he's got on a green tanktop and camo coloured pants. He's starting to look like the elite level soldier he was in the past instead of just the brunt of Bart's pranks every week.

Armand is in full UFC mode now. He tells the fighters in a no nonsense way. "Okay guys, I want a good, clean fight. You can't kill each other but anything else goes."

Off at the work table, the Fourth Doctor and Mack have set up various motion capture cameras and high speed cameras to track the movements of Skinner and Big Boss. Big Boss is the greatest soldier of the twentieth century but Skinner won't go easy on him.

In the past, Principle Skinner killed twenty-three men with his bare hands . . . and that was before he became a soldier and went to Vietnam. Springfield's corrupt and inept police force gave Skinner a big hand in not getting caught for multiple manslaughter.

To get the ball rolling, Max rings a giant bell just like at a boxing ring—and they're off!

Big Boss strikes first with a kick aimed at Skinner's knee, but Skinner evades the strike and goes in for a punch at Big Boss.

Big Boss catches the punch and pulls Skinner into one of the classic CQC grapples. Big Boss uses Skinner's momentum against him and pulls the principle into a choke hold.

Skinner fights back. Bart Simpson's principle head butts Big Boss and slips from the legendary soldier's grasp. Seymour throws three more punches at Big Boss's throat and diaphragm, all three of which are blocked.

Big Boss strikes back, punching Skinner in the face and knocking down his opponent. Big Boss goes to give Skinner a kick to the windpipe, but the Principle catches Big Boss's leg in mid kick and throws him to the ground.

There on the ground, the two veteran soldiers wrestle like a pair of pythons fighting over a pig. Skinner managed to sink his teeth into Big Boss's shoulder and rip a chunk of flesh off the old soldier.

Big Boss winces and throws Skinner off him. Shooting a hand out, he manages to grab the side of Skinner's neck, pinching the carotid and jugular arteries.

Skinner's face turns red as the blood flow to his brain is cut off by Big Boss's action. From out of his boot, Skinner grabs a combat knife. He swings with it and nearly takes off Big Boss's head.

Armand so far hasn't done a thing to stop any of this. It's all fair game. Behind the speed camera, the Doctor is smiling like a child. "Fantastic!" he says, foreshadowing the ninth Doctor. Mack meanwhile has got a blowgun and a dart ready and he's jonesing to shoot Max with it.

Luckily Max stumbles at the right time and the dart misses and hits Skinner, who's trying to gouge out Big Boss's remaining eye.

Seeing his foe start to foam and convulse, Big Boss stands up and turns to Armand. "We need a Doctor here—not that bitch Naomi!"

Off to the side, Mack curses as Skinner is taken to hospital.

Announcer: _Now to clear things up, we have an expert go over the particulars of the fabled Warrior Dante Alighieri, please say hello to . . . Enrico Maxwell? _

Enrico Maxwell appears before the camera looking tired, annoyed and pissed off. For some reason the greasy Italian Bishop is wearing African tribal tattoos on his face.

The Doctor and Mack stand back while the three hosts greet Maxwell.

"Uh, hey Maxwell," Max tries and fails to sound cheerful. "What are you doing here?"

Maxwell just sneers and explains. "Well, since the great Dante is a Catholic, the Pope was able to vouch for me to the studio executives."

"And the tattoos?" Geoff asks.

Maxwell's sneer deepens. "Well, after my last stint on your infernal show some heretic thought I was a child molester and tried to inject me with a HIV positive syringe. When I defeated that assassin, his wife knocked me out cold. When I woke up I found out I was married to a black witch doctor."

There is an awkward pause as everyone tries to figure out what to say. Geoff luckily picks up the slack. "Well, let's get going."

Maxwell grunts and steps to a table. "First of all, Dante has no bow of Hercules. You bribed the experts to pretend it was a real weapon."

The hosts look guilty but say nothing.

Maxwell goes on. "But to salvage this situation, I am eager to see that the one Catholic left alive is good hands."

From behind the table, Maxwell pulls out Dante's Scythe, his cross, a poleaxe and a medieval crossbow. "You all know the poleaxe very well and the scythe, so in turn I shall demonstrate the ability of the crossbow and the cross of Beatrice."

He holds up a crossbow. "The Europeans knew the crossbow before the crusades, but it was their time in the first crusade which introduced them to a new kind of bow technology."

The sleazy bishop holds the crossbow up to the camera. "This is a composite crossbow; it's shorter and more powerful than a mere wood bow. The arms of this are wood, but also horn and sinew. And as you know, horn is carbon tubes which can take a great deal of tension and sinew, like from an ox neck tendon has massive tensile strength."

Then he points to the front of the crossbow, "This weapon has a stirrup on the front, so that a knight could use the power of his legs to cock this weapon."

To make his point, Maxwell puts the crossbow on the ground and uses his legs to pull the string back. Loading a bolt into it, he fires at a target some thirty yards away and hits it in the heart area. "The crossbow has less range than an ordinary bow but it has greater penetration and accuracy since the shorter bolt bends less in mid-air than a longer arrow."

The bishop then takes Beatrice's cross. "In addition to having ranged attacks, the cross can also act in a defensive capacity."

He stands back before reciting a prayer. Suddenly, two lights appear on Maxwell's back like Angel wings. From a distance away, several catapults and a late medieval cannon fire at him only to have their ammunition bounce off. As the spell wears off, Maxwell explains. "Holy armour will shield Dante from all attacks temporarily as well as heal his wounds."

He puts a hand to his face, the tribal tattoos are gone. "It will also remove unwanted tattoos! Ha!"

Maxwell recites another prayer this time; which causes a giant wind vortex with pink lightning to form around him. Several volleys of arrows and knives fly at him, only to be shredded by the killer winds. He stops the spell, since it seems to be sucking the life from him. "The lust storm will also block all damage, but at the cost of Dante's own health. The upside to this spell being that it damages enemies, unlike divine armour."

To finish it all off, Maxwell takes a medieval sword of the early middle ages and uses it to chop down a gel dummy. The sword doesn't have much cutting power but is great for thrusting; an excellent quality for a sword in a time where chain mail armour prevailed.

When it's all done, the guys thank Maxwell and send him on his way before more misfortune can befall him.

Announcer: _With just one last test to go, tension is running high and examination is worth bearing on this battle and how it will work. _

Max appears before his panel of computers to explain how the battle will work. "Each episode, we try to decide between two guys or girls who is the deadliest warrior. This time is much harder because we're trying to decide who's the deadliest of multiple fighters. Only one man and one faction is going to come out of this battle alive."

The screen changes to show Geoff. "What a zombie apocalypse stands for is the ultimate FUBAR situation. None of these guys have worked with each other, some of them have been enemies but they'll either turn on each other or work together to survive."

Armand appears on the screen. "The physical abilities of these warriors are spread out across on quite a wide range. All of them are the best at what they do but some of them are more than human. I'm going to be working closely with Max to factor in these warrior's resilience."

To finish it all off, we bring in a replica of General Grievous's armoured exoskeleton. The plan is to fire everything that the warriors bring to this match into that bone white armour.

All of the experts to appear on this episode are there for the final test and they're loading up their projectile weapons. Dawkins is loading his musket while Galen Marek loads his blaster. Big Boss is aiming a PSG-1 sniper rifle and Boba Fett and Worf are next to him with their big guns.

Maxwell is getting his cross ready alongside Roger Rabbit who is holding a cartoon machine gun way too big for him to lift.

Deadpool and Alfred stand side by side. Deadpool has brought his own weapons instead of the test weapons because he's suffered too much grief to even care what the hosts are telling him. Alfred has a dozen batarangs at the go, including a few experimental explosive ones.

Big Boss and Principle Skinner are back. Skinner is in a wheelchair due to the venom he took but he'll live. "You alright?" Big Boss asks the principle.

Skinner merely nods and raises his fist weakly to give Big Boss a fist bump. Both men are packing their heavy hitting long range weapons.

All these characters are assembled in the big dry desert area used for shooting firearms. Geoff walks before the procession of gunmen. He raises his arms dramatically and all chatter and preparation ceases before his incredible charisma. "Alright guys, we are on the final test of our Back for Blood match. I'd like to thank you all for showing up on such short notice and like to notify you all that there is a kegger when the show is done as a token of our gratitude."

This gets Geoff a murmur of approval from the crowd. Meanwhile, Geoff is totally oblivious as Mack chases Max with a tomahawk. Max screams for help as the crazed ex-SEAL chases him around and around.

At this time, Geoff decides to wrap up his speech. "Basically you have only thirty seconds to do as much damage as you possibly can to the fake General back here. Fuck him up, guys!"

At this, all the guys howl and raise their weapons in the air like a band of inflamed Sand People. Geoff takes a bow as Max runs past screaming, followed by an equally maniacal Mack.

Geoff stands back and grabs a chequered flag and a stopwatch. He's starting to look like a race car starting official. To finish it all off, he puts a NASCAR cap on his head. The biomedical expert then calls to the guest experts. "Okay guys, when I wave this flag it'll be time for you to shoot."

Max is still being chased by a homicidal Mack. Just as Mack is about to axe our favourite computer expert, Armand jumps out of some desert shrub and sticks a needle into Mack's neck.

Mack grunts like an angry bull, but before the drug can take effect he gets hit over the head by the fourth Doctor with a meat tenderizing mallet. Richard "Mack" Machowitz doesn't even stand a chance; the guy folds like an accordion.

While Max is busy looking traumatized because he was nearly killed by an axe wielding madman, the Doctor and Armand work to pick up Mack's limp form and tie him up because he'll definitely still be insane when he comes too.

Totally ignoring Mack and his little mental illness, Geoff gets ready to raise the flag. "Okay guys, prepare to fire in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

The chequered flag waves and they're out of the starting gate.

Not even a second passes before the General Grievous imitation is peppered with all manner of firepower. Blaster bolts, machinegun rounds, sniper fire, magic Cross power and even some musket fire come at the shell.

Men like Big Boss go for accuracy, striking at the eyes of Grievous. Marek, who has actual working knowledge of droids thanks to his training, goes for the joints with his blaster and tries to burn through to the organ sack that would be there in the real general Grievous.

Professor Dawkins is busy reloading his musket because even for an expert like him a Japanese harquebus takes at least ten seconds to reload; which sacrifices what accuracy this gun has.

The ricocheting bullets and other shot bounce off the armoured shell and hit the dirt, kicking up a great dust cloud. One of the most effective weapons turns out to be Beatrice's cross; the cross's magic attacks tear holes into Grievous's armour. Score one for Christianity.

Deadpool's bullets are largely ineffective, as are Alfred's batarangs.

Richard Dawkins seems to be waiting for the final shot, even though there are only a few seconds left.

Suddenly, from all the strain of that firepower, the chest plate opens up on the Grievous look alike to reveal a faux organ sack like the one that Obi-Wan fried in the _Revenge of the Sith_.

Only one second is left on the clock and everyone is out of ammo, but at that moment a single musket ball slams into the heart, killing grievous.

Dawkins smiles as time runs out. Everyone else wounded Grievous, but with a little patience his musket killed the bastard. Classic case of the tortoise and the hare.

Announcer: _With testing complete, it's time to start up the simulation for the biggest battle in Deadliest Warrior history. Our experts will take the data that they've gathered and see who is the deadliest warrior! _

As the announcer does his bit, the local law enforcement hauls off Mack in a strait jacket.

Geoff looks like he enjoyed having Mack around but still reprimands the foaming man. "Look Mack, we're only committing you until you stop being insane."

Mack isn't listening. "You're dead, Max, your job is mine! Do you hear me?"

Max just stands back with Armand and the Doctor. The Doctor smiles, "Well, that went well."

Announcer: _Tune in next chapter for the exciting simulation for this match in part two of Deadliest Warrior: Zombie Apocalypse! _

* * *

Well, I hope I didn't tease you guys so much. But damn, this was hard to write. This was four times as hard as a regular chapter. Compared to this, the simulation will be a piece of cake.

I'd like to thank all my reviewers because you people are a beauty. Thank you all.

Ta

Master of the Boot


	16. Back for Blood: Part 2

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior: Zombie Apocalypse Part 2

Disclaimer: I own no registered characters. Take it up with my non-existent lawyer.

Also this is very long, sixty-eight pages; so I split it in two

* * *

"I'm sorry" says the lady behind the front counter of the hotel, "You are Doctor, who?"

"No, no, no" says the weird gangly looking man with a big mop of brown hair. "I'm Doctor "Hoo"; like an owl" The British man in his strange tweed jacket and bowtie smiles in a boyish manner. "Yes, I like owls; owls are cool."

To the horror of the lady behind the front desk, Doctor "Hoo" begins to make strange hooting noises like an owl which are actually quite realistic.

The Doctor smiles, confident that he's put the TARDIS on stealth mode on the roof. As he forks over cash for the hotel room, he starts to make conversation with the weirded out concierge woman. "I'm here for the _Deadliest Warrior_ convention, did you know that?"

The woman smiles and tries to be polite. "No sir, but a great many people have turned up for the convention."

In the main lobby of the hotel, there is a massive banner which reads. "Deadliest Warrior Fan Convention: Welcome Deadliest Fans." Already hundreds of people are piling into the hotel; some are wearing _Deadliest Warrior_ T-shirts while others are cosplaying as their favourite warriors from the show's tenure. Many of them are excited because the hosts of the show are going to be turning up. The doors of the convention open up in just two hours in the Hotel's largest conference room.

Already, a crew of bellboys and staff are there serving the needs of the hotel guests. All these fans are thirsty and many of them need drinks. Waiters and waitresses run back and forth with plates of food and drink.

Near the bar, a shady looking man with an eye patch sits with a sullen look on his face. His whole manner is uneasy and tense. The one eyed man grabs a drink off of a busy waiter's tray without paying for it nor really caring what it is as long as it's good and strong.

Taking a sip from the glass of wine, Snake Plissken puts down the glass and keeps an eye out for his contact. Fresh from the chaos of New York City, Snake Plissken is a wanted man by nearly every law enforcement agency in the United States. Hence he's here at this hotel for one last job before settling down to a comfortable retirement in Ireland.

It's a very simple job. All that Plissken needs to do is deliver two kilograms of pure crystal meth to an interested party who will then fork over the cash to Plissken who will take his cut of the money and peace the fuck out of here. If anybody is suspicious of him, he'll just claim to be dressing up like a Green Beret; that'll satisfy these Spike TV nerds.

High above on the fifth floor of the hotel is a fat British atheist smoking on a cigarette. Like Plissken, Christopher Hitchens is also on the run from the law. Some weeks back he killed the pope in an epic sword duel and now he's here to establish an alibi.

The wry British writer and ninja exhales the last of the cigarette smoke and tosses his used butt into a disposal bin. It's not long before he encounters his old friend and fellow non-believer Richard Dawkins.

Christopher embraces his biologist friend warmly. "Cheers Richard; I trust you are in rude health."

Dawkins smiles back at his ninja companion. "I am in good health, thank you for asking Christopher. I recently finished a series of treatments for venereal disease after my latest porn shoot."

Hitchens nods and runs a hand across his mouth as if he's thirsty. "Indeed, well at least your latest demon hunt was successful. I think that now would be a most appropriate time to get a bit of scotch."

Dawkins agrees. "Of course, Chris; but let's hurry as I am in a bit of a rush."

In one of the hotel's stately dining rooms, a scantily clad woman with a couple of guns lounges lazily in a plush leather chair. She's smoking on a cigarette and sipping from a flask of her favourite vodka.

Rebecca "Revy" Change is here to pick up two kilos of the famous blue meth that sells for double the price of regular meth. For now though, she's fucking chilling and having a good time spending someone else's money. The transfer of money and drugs won't take place for another hour.

Several fan boys oogle at her with wide, longing eyes—because she's not wearing any underwear beneath those daisy duke shorts. She merely shoots those boys a threatening glance and they bolt like scared rabbits.

One man however doesn't seem to notice Revy's death glare and continues to innocently push forward a trolley containing tea and other refreshments.

The man is rather large and muscular; his hotel staff uniform can barely contain his buff form

Revy looks over the huge man with the tea and coffee cart. He's bald headed, shaven maybe; and he's got a very large handlebar moustache which looks like it was stolen from an old school strong man. His nametag reads, "Charles Bronson," and for some reason all the hotel staff seem to recoil from him when he gets near.

"Would you like a cup of tea, miss?" Charlie asks Revy innocently enough.

Revy looks at Charlie with amusement, "Hey pal, the nineteenth century called; they want their moustache back."

Charlie looks puzzled at Revy; he's not smart enough to really understand that he's been made fun of.

After a few minutes though, Revy sits up. "Gimme some fucking coffee."

Genially, Charlie pours Revy a cup of black brew and hands it to the lady. Revy sucks down the scalding hot coffee without so much as a flinch. They told her that she'd be forever retarded after the strike that killed most of Hotel Moscow's numbers but she showed those fucking doctors.

Sighing in relief at the pleasure of caffeine, Revy looks Charlie up and down. She smiles at him. "You got some awfully big guns, big boy."

At that, Charlie seems to stiffen. He holds out his arms in a boxing pose; his flexing muscles nearly ripping open the sleeves of his jacket and dress shirt.

"So what's a big moose like you doing in a shitty hotel like this?" she asks, taking another big gulp of coffee.

Charlie shrugs and plays it cool for the sexy lady. "Eh this? The Guv'nor gave me this job."

Revy raises an enquiring eyebrow. "The fucking governor?"

Charlie nods at her. "Yeah, Lenny Mclean; he's only Britain's greatest bareknuckle boxer." To make his point clear, Charlie blurts, "I know him."

Revy nods back. She has no idea who the fuck Lenny McLean is but she rolls with the punches. "So if you know the governor what the fuck are you doing working in this asshole of hotel?"

Charlie smiles and winks at the Chinese American woman. "Oh no, I'm only doing this part time. I'm only staying here until I make a name for myself."

"And how are you doing to do that?" Revy asks.

"I'm going to break the Batman," Charlie answers with a matter of fact tone.

"Well, good luck with that," Revy says as she finishes her caffeinated drink.

Up on the top floor of the magnificent hotel, legendary soldier Solid Snake has landed on the roof after being parachuted there. Checking to see that his equipment and weapons are in check, Snake gives the buttons and straps of his sneaking suit another check-up before contacting Otacon on his CODEC.

_Aux_

_**Call**_

_Select_

Solid Snake: Otacon, I've successfully landed on the roof of the hotel.

Otacon: That's great, Snake. According to that tip we received Ocelot should be hiding somewhere on the seventh floor of the hotel.

Solid Snake: The Seventh Floor?

Otacon: That's right, Snake.

Snake: I don't know, Otacon. I know you said you checked this out but I've got a bad feeling. This just feels out of character given Ocelot's personal history.

Otacon: But Snake, this time we've caught him between schemes. We have him with his pants down and we have the chance to end all of this.

Snake: _Sigh_. I still have my doubts but the potential payoff is too great. I'll contact you if there's trouble.

Otacon: Over and out, Snake.

Cutting off the connection, Snake looks at the nearest air ventilation shaft. Grabbing a few miniature tools, Snake opens up the grill and with expert skill he slides into it. He'll take the ventilation shaft until he reaches an elevator shaft. From there he'll rappel down to the seventh floor and blow a hole in Ocelot's skull.

Snake is so intent on his mission that he never even sees a pair of glowing red eyes off in the shadows. The glowing eyes merely watch as the super soldier slides from sight.

The eyes blink once and then speak in a voice which nobody can hear. "_The time is almost nigh. My grand plan will not be threatened._"

The voice pauses once more before resuming. "_It is as I have foreseen_," the dark voice utters with a hint of satisfaction.

Down in the hotel's main floor, Revy has managed to convince Charlie to take a break from work for a quickie. Charlie knows a good broom closet that's perfect for having illicit sex in.

As Charlie walks with the sexy Revy, one of the bellboys pushes a huge cart full of luggage before spotting his co-worker. "Hey Charlie," the lad protests, "Your break isn't for another half hour. If the manager sees you—

The boy is cut off as Charlie's temper explodes. "SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" he points at the boy and screams.

"I'm sorry, Charlie," the boy desperately pleads.

Charlie grabs the lad by the collar, much to Revy's amusement and pulls him in. "If you rat on me, I'll snap your fucking neck and stick your head up your arse!"

The boy babbles something and falls backwards as Charlie lets him go. Revy watches in amazement as Charlie grabs a big, heavy suitcase and starts to beat the young bellboy over the head with it.

Revy cheers Charlie on as he gives his co-worker a concussion. Meanwhile, one of the suitcases on the trolley starts to shake and move as if there's something inside of it. The shaking suitcase falls off the trolley, onto its side.

Charlie and Revy look on in amazement as the suitcase shakes up and down and screams come from inside of it. There's a man in there!

Suddenly, a long, sharp blade cuts through the fabric of the suitcase. From out of the ruined suitcase rolls a man unlike any other.

Gasping for air, Dante Alighieri stood straight up and burst free from the confines of his fabric prison.

With all honesty, Dante had no idea what had happened. All he knew was that he'd beaten Satan down in the lowest level of hell and had gone to purgatory. After that everything was a blur.

Flexing his fingers, Dante transformed the long blade strapped to his arm into the legendary scythe of death. Fully confident with the weapon in his hands, Dante looked over the two strangely dressed people before him; some kind of circus performer or brawler and a common whore.

"Okay, who the fuck are you?" asked Revy. This guy was one weird motherfucker. On his head he wore a crown of metal thorns over a mail head guard. He wore metal shoulder pauldrons but only his left arm was armoured. His right was bare except for a leather glove.

From his back hunt a crossbow and a giant poleaxe. In his hand was a giant scythe made from bone and most disturbing of all was the fact that the man had a giant fabric cross stitched to his bare chest.

Charlie looked at the mysterious stranger with medieval weaponry and politely asked, "Are you a knight, mate?" Charlie had forgotten all about the boy he'd beaten into unconsciousness.

Back in the hotel's lobby, the Doctor is happily mingling among the fans of the show _Deadliest Warrior_. Suddenly, he accidently bumps into a tall man wearing brown robes.

The Doctor spots the man and immediately breaks out into a bright smile. "Oh, you're a Jedi Knight, aren't you?"

The man under the hood glares daggers at the Doctor. Truthfully, Anakin is one hair away from slicing off the annoying British man's head and shitting all over his bowtie.

The Doctor immediately steps back, sensing the force user's ill intent. "I see—fallen Jedi. Well, I'll let you go about your business."

Anakin leaves the Doctor without another word. He's here to kill General Grievous. After Anakin killed the Separatist council, Grievous and his droid army fled to this planet to resupply and use as a beachhead to launch attacks into what is now Imperial territory. After Grievous is dead, Anakin shall kill Old Man Palpatine and claim the new title of Emperor for himself.

Meanwhile, General Grievous storms out of the men's washroom after killing the men's room attendant. They had the wrong kind of mouthwash; not that the General can use mouthwash anyway.

In the hallway, General Grievous runs into Robert Daly of the show _Deadliest Warrior_. "Hey," says Robert, "You're General Grievous."

Grievous has no patience for this. "Suck my durasteel balls," he growls and then storms off, stepping on Robert's toe in the process.

Grievous has left the washroom. Anakin is hunting for Grievous. Christopher Hitchens has a shower after Professor Dawkins is gone. Solid Snake is climbing down the elevator shaft. Revy and Bronson are making nookie in a closet. Plissken is worrying about getting caught and the Doctor is having fun with his fellow fans.

And all the while, a dark voice is ready to launch its most daring plan yet. "_For too long have I been frustrated by inferior life forms. It is time to accelerate my plans, time to end these petty squabbles and seize my prize. It is time for me to destroy . . . __**the deadliest warriors!**_"

_Zombie Apocalypse: Round 1_

It is at that moment that all hell breaks loose and the demons of hell are allowed to break free on this Walpurgis Eve.

The sun begins to fall, night descending unnaturally fast.

The Doctor, once happy and jolly suddenly looks in horror as the sun drops like a wounded bird. Looking around, his superior brain just knows that something very awful is about to happen. "Oh no," he says as a darkness falls unlike any other.

In the elevator shaft, Solid Snake begins to shiver. The temperature has fallen but his sneaking suit isn't keeping him warm like it should. The agent can see his breath mist before him and when he tries to contact Otacon he gets nothing.

At the bar, Snake Plissken knows the shit is about to hit the fan and he pulls out his Ingram M-10 submachine gun. Several people scream and run away, but with what's happening outside the police are now Plissken's least concern.

Charlie and Revy step out of the broom closet with identical looks of unease and animal aggression on their faces. For some reason, Charlie is holding a dead chicken by the neck.

Christopher Hitchens felt that feeling of great evil but he's too busy taking a hot shower to care.

In the lobby, Anakin has spotted General Grievous and is too focused on the general to worry about the strange phenomenon of the day ending in a matter of minutes when there should have been a few hours more of sunlight.

Grievous sees that he's been spotted by Skywalker and grabs his lightsabres for a duel. People in the crowd scream and try to get out of the way as both the droid General and Anakin draw their lightsabres.

Acting fact, the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to activate the fire alarm. Instantly, loud bells start ringing and everybody starts running for the exits.

Panicked, Dante runs through the halls of the hotel. Hordes of panicked guests give the crusader a wide berth for his impressive weaponry.

He only wants to find Beatrice, but he's stuck in an unfamiliar place with no idea how he got there.

Suddenly, a hotel door opens up and a woman stumbles out as if drunk. Dante stops to avoid slamming into the woman. The woman groans and embraces him. Her body for some reason is incredibly cold.

But Dante's hackles don't rise until he sees that half of the woman's face is missing. His vision is filled with rotting teeth as the zombie luges for his throat.

Snake Plissken runs through the hotel with his gun raised. As he runs though, he sees that the hotel's doors are locked. Nobody can get in or out. This serves to further put Plissken on edge. Firing his gun over the crowd, people shriek with horror but his bullets have no effect on the glass doors. This is definitely wrong.

Then he hears screams of pain and sees that some of the people in the crowd are . . . are eating each other!

Plissken aims and fires a three round burst into one man's heart. The man doesn't fall. Instead, he turns around and looks at Plissken with a human heart in his mouth.

For a moment, Plissken's remaining eye widens; but then he steels his nerves a shoots the zombie in the head. The undead ghoul falls back with its brains splattered all over the glass door behind it.

In the elevator shaft, Snake has reached the seventh floor and is about to break into an adjoining ventilation shaft. As he does, Snake notices an envelope taped to the top of the elevator doors.

For a few moments, Snake's curiosity and his caution war with each other until his need to know wins; especially since his real name is written on the envelope in beautiful copperplate penmanship.

Hanging form his rappel line, Snake grabs the brown paper envelope and tears it open. Inside is a single card. Turning around, Snake reads the card; just a simple hallmark card. It reads, "Ocelot isn't here."

Snake is suddenly furious; he and his partner have been played.

Snake is forced to draw his SOCCOM pistol when he hears the sound of screams. The elevator doors open and suddenly a horde of zombies reach for him.

Firing his pistol into the brains of the zombies, there are still too many. He can feel their cold, grasping hands through his sneaking suit; which at least will protect him from the bites.

Luck is not on Snake's side, because one of the zombies grabs his line and pulls the safety line.

Snake screams as he falls and plunges into the dark elevator shaft just as the lights quit. Solid Snake falls and he rapidly disappears from sight. An ordinary man would be killed . . . an ordinary man.

Up in his hotel suite, Christopher Hitchen's hot shower is rudely interrupted when a swarm of zombies tear open his bathroom door and rip off the shower curtain.

The fat British ninja merely stands there, naked with a glass of scotch and a cigarette. It's the last mistake these zombies will ever make. With a single Hitch slap, the whole swarm of zombies are thrown backwards with skull and bone shattering force.

Hitch steps from the shower and kills the water. Reaching for a towel, he opens up the medicine cabinet and pulls out his ninja sword. Pulling the high grade steel from its sheath, Hitchens eyes the blade before going to grab the rest of his gear. It's zombie killing time.

In the main lobby, General Grievous and Anakin are duelling like two ancient gods battling for the fate of the universe.

The Doctor is stuck between them like a Charlie Chaplin routine. No matter how he moves, the Doctor is stuck between the two lightsabre fighters. It's like they're trying to deliberately gang up on him and strike him down.

The time traveller jumps and pivots between them, dodging lightsabre strikes, punches and kicks with more ease than one would expect from a man as geeky as him. Neither Anakin nor Grievous cares whether the Doctor is killed, just as long as they achieve their goals. If the Doctor hadn't triggered the fire alarm, many civilians would have been killed.

Anakin parried a strike from General Grievous's top left arm while dodging strikes from his other three arms. Grievous was stronger and very fast; Anakin had to modify his usual fighting style but by the way the General was being driven back by Anakin's relentless attacks he had a good feeling about this.

While the Doctor avoided both their strikes, Anakin taunted his foe. "What's the matter General, too kind and gentle to beat me?"

Grievous growled and threw a lightsabre into his prehensile foot, going for unconventional tactics. "Boy," his yellow eyes flashed, "I will cut you to pieces by inches!" Anakin frustrated his attacks, using the force to leap to safety.

Yet amidst their lightsabre duel, both combatants had forgotten about the Doctor. There was a whirring noise and Grievous cried out as one of his lightsabres burst into sparks as the blade died.

At the same time, Anakin took a foot to the face as the Doctor delivered a powerful kick at the Sith lord's head.

Anakin flew backwards from the Doctor's powerful strike but used the momentum to right himself.

Anakin looked at the Doctor with a look of pure fury.

The Doctor however just stared back like Droid generals and fallen Jedi were something he encountered all the time. "Now that I have your attention," said the Doctor in a mocking voice.

Anakin and Grievous both attacked the Doctor, but they'd never fought an enemy like Doctor Who before . . . or Doctor "Hoo" if you want to stick with that.

Anakin swung his lightsabre at the Doctor in the style of the krayt dragon, but the footwork was his own personal touch to the style.

The Doctor ducked under the blow and threw an elbow into Anakin's stomach. As the wind left Anakin's lungs, the Doctor shoved him back and stepped backwards to avoid two of Grievous's lighsabres.

The General spun his torso around like a lethal helicopter blade assembly, the Doctor ran up his legs and between the spinning arms like a monkey.

Grievous barely registered that the Doctor was on his shoulder before the Time Lord jammed his thumb into Grievous's eye.

Grievous warbled in pain as the Doctor jumped off, grabbing the disabled lightsabre from Grievous's metal grip.

With a zap of his sonic screwdriver, the Doctor reactivated the lightsabre and used it to fend off Anakin's attacks.

Grievous's eye was damaged. The Doctor had to have been very strong to damage the transparasteel lenses over Grievous's organic eyes.

Enraged at the theft of his lightsabre as well as his minor injury, Grievous charged at the Doctor, who then began to duel Anakin and Grievous at the same time. The fighters were so absorbed that they didn't even notice the zombie swarms approaching.

Revy and Bronson ran down the hallways of the hotel. Charlie was showing her to the emergency exit, but when they reached it they found it locked. And for some inexplicable reason, the door defied both Charlie's great strength and a gunshot from Revy's pistol.

Suddenly, they were distracted by a moan behind them. Walking towards them was a male zombie with its intestines hanging out.

Revy pulled out her custom made Beretta handguns; she drew a bead on the zombie's head. "Die, shit eater!" she shouted, but before she could kill it, Charles Bronson beat her to the punch.

"You CUNT!" he shouted at the bloody zombie. And before Revy knew it, Charlie cleared the distance between them and the zombie and punched it right in the face.

The zombie gave a pained groan and fell backwards, slamming into a small table full of flowers.

Not giving the ghoul a chance to get up, Charlie grabs the table and starts to beat the zombie over the head with it. Even when he smashes the zombie's head right open Charlie doesn't let up; he just used the zombie brains to paint a giant gory swastika on the wall.

Revy looks at Charlie, who's holding the back of his bald head with a bloody hand. Charlie's breathing heavily, a look of psychotic fury descended on him.

Revy just grins from ear to ear. "I am so fucking horny from watching that."

Charlie just clenches his bloody hand into a fist. "I'm gonna get some weapons, you slag." Revy likes a man who talks dirty.

Outside the hotel, Police have cordoned off the building. Hundreds of onlookers and reporters are here to find out what the hell is going on. It's now night-time and screams can be heard inside the hotel. Nobody can enter the hotel because a massive maze of thorns has grown up all over the lawn around the structure.

Since local law enforcement is way out of their league, SG: 1 have been called in as well as several other agencies and experts. A huge tent has been erected to house all these experts who are being called in to try and rescue any survivors.

Inside the tent, General Jack O'Neill stands at the head of a large folding table. Next to him is Fuhrer Bradley—who is looking grim indeed—as well as outlaw Landon Rickets, Garfield the Cat, Big Boss, Julius Caesar and Deadpool.

Deadpool is standing next to everybody with a giant sign that says "Future fighters/experts."

For the time General O'Neill ignores Deadpool and focuses on debriefing. "Okay people, what have we got?"

Answering this is Teal'c, O'Neill's best friend and right hand man. A member of the race of humans known as the Jaffa, Teal'c steps up to the white board.

"At approximately six hundred hours, the Hotel was cut off from all contact. No radio or other transmissions have been sent or received and an impregnable labyrinth of thorns has thrust up." The stoic Jaffa pauses, "preliminary reports indicate that zombies have taken over the Hotel."

At this everyone except Deadpool curses. Deadpool just goes, "Sweet! Oh, and Teal'c will be a future fighter."

Again, O'Neill ignores Deadpool. "Has anyone gone in?"

At this point, Teal'c gives up the floor to Alex Mercer, living biological weapon, all around bad mother fucker and loony. Mercer stands up, looking very much like Ezio Auditore's mental, meth addicted cousin. "Several police helicopters attempted to land on the roof but were taken down by swarms of zombie owls."

O'Neill can't believe what he just heard. "Zombie owls?"

"Indeed," Teal'c affirms.

Mercer continues. "A five man squad of Jem'Hadar were sent in half an hour ago as well as a team of Mandalorians but so far we've lost contact with them and they are all presumed dead."

"Whoa," Deadpool chuckles, "Check out Mr. Positive here. Hey buddy, don't be too cheerful."

Mercer grits his teeth as weird red tendrils spin around his form. "My name is Alex Mercer; I am an insane, homicidal terrorist killer and you will do best not to mock me or break the fourth wall near my presence."

"He's very touchy," Deadpool stage whispers to Fuhrer Bradley.

This causes Mercer to lose his temper. His right arm transforms into a giant blade with which he uses to attack Deadpool. Total chaos ensues as O'Neill and Teal'c try to break up the giant fight between the people who should be working together.

At that moment, Dante of _Devil May Cry_ fame walks out of a nearby porta-toilet and sees the authorites fighting like jealous schoolgirls. Shrugging, he whips out his two big guns and starts joining the fight.

_In the thorn Maze_

The small squadron of Jem'Hadar are the best that the dominion has to offer. Though the size of the Dominion's army has decreased the quality of soldiers and the training they receive remains as strong as ever. The Jem'Hadar march fearlessly though the maze made of thorns that are sharp enough to rip a man's skin off.

They feel no fear for they are the Jem'Hadar; they are bred to feel no fear. For nearly twenty minutes they've been marching through the maze. Their electronic position finders are inoperative due to some unknown force so they leave a trail of bits of fabric from a pack of medical bandages.

Soon they encounter their first test. A massive wall of nearly two hundred zombies teams before them. The commander of the Jem'Hadar raises his fist and screams a command.

They open fire!

Quickly they find that their coagulation rays are useless against the undead. But their disrupters turned to the highest setting can tear apart the zombies at the molecular level. Zombie after zombie is vaporized by their weapons but there are too many for them to keep this up.

So instead they turn down the power of their disrupters and aim for the head. Like Olympic skeet shooters, they don't miss a single shot. Plus the narrow nature of the maze squeezes the zombies into a choke point.

The Jem'Hadar are shocked however when the thorns shift behind them and block off the way they came from. Their shock doesn't last long; it would impede their survival.

Thinking on his feet, the leader programs a sequence into a remote control. After a few minutes, he hits the "enter" button on the remote and over a dozen subspace mines detonate into the zombie horde, blasting them into smithereens.

All two hundred zombies have been eliminated save for twenty or forty crawlers. These crawlers are easily deal with using their combat knives as bayonets.

With the first hurdle completed, the Jem'Hadar push on.

In another part of the thorn maze, a squad of Mandalorians runs through. The thorns are too tough to cut even with vibro blades and they can't use their jet packs to fly because all flying things are brought down by the deadly zombie owls; whose numbers are great enough to utterly blot out the night sky.

The group is being chased by a large swarm of slow, ugly, hungry zombies. Their well-aimed blaster shots from Mandalore heavy repeater and their EE-3 blaster rifles take down many zombies. Yet for each zombie they will two more seem to appear. The zombies are literally bursting out of the ground.

A zombie sticks its head from the earth only to have its head burned to ashes by a blaster shot. Luckily the Mandalorians have brought enough ammo to keep this up all night and day.

The leader of the Mandalorians, a female of unknown species pulls out her razor sharp beskad. The large heavy blade goes through zombie necks like thin air. Stepping back, the Mandos reach for their atomic compression grenades.

They all throw their grenades at once and rely on their armour to protect them from radiation and concussive blast alike.

The zombies have no such protection and are burnt to a crisp. One zombie is reduced to a human shaped statue made of ash. A Mando kicks it, causing it to crumble.

Suddenly, the maze opens up with a creaking of thorns and forty new zombies pile out in their mindless quest for fresh, living meat.

The Mandalorians raise their weapons, for this is what they've been raised for. Before they can kill the zombies, someone else beats them to the punch.

A hail of large calibre machinegun fire rains down on the zombies. Just appeared from the depths of the treacherous maze is none other than Captain Picard.

Picard is using a tommy gun to blow away the zombies and he looks angry. Hell, the normally placid French captain looks like he could kill all these zombies with his bare hands.

Skilfully, Picard doesn't waste a bullet and soon all the zombie fall before him. With his tommy-gun warm in his hands, Picard lowers his weapon and greets the Mandalorians, for he knows a bit of their language. "Copaani gaan?"

It's Mandalorian for "need a hand?"

The Mandos just look at the Starfleet Captain with uncertainty. Then they decide that one more gun can't hurt, since he's got plenty for himself.

Picard smiles at his new allies. This is why he doesn't go to Earth much.

Snake Plissken runs down the halls of the hotel trying to find an exit but they're all blocked in some way or another. On the bright side, his Ingram sub machinegun with the silencer is perfect for killing zombies. The gun is easy to hold and aim thanks to the pistol bullets it fires and the silencer helps to avoid attracting more zombies than necessary.

Three zombies lunge at Plissken only to get lead for their meal; the hollow pointed bullets blast their brains to bits.

Plissken pauses to reload his gun but the number of zombies only seems to grow. As insurance he pulls out the ballistics knife that he's had with him since killing Rambo. Worst case scenario it could buy him enough time to stab a zombie in the eye or temple; or he could use it to shoot the bastards at a distance if he's out of ammo.

With nowhere else to go, Plissken runs for the elevator. A legless zombie tries to grab him but only gets its head stomped for good measure.

There is a _ding_ noise and Plissken's heart nearly stops. He ran through zombie infested corridors but a little elevator bell startled the living daylights out of him.

Stepping back and raising his gun, Plissken fully expects to see an elevator full of zombies. Instead, what he gets is Solid Snake pointing a gun back at him.

The two snakes look at each other with intense looks. Each man has fought the odds and defied the highest powers in the land.

Several tense moments pass before they dare to speak. Snake Plissken goes first. "Solid Snake, I heard you were dead after that shit on the George Washington Bridge."

Solid Snake speaks. "S.D. Plissken, I heard you were dead after the shit in Los Angeles."

The men put down their guns but the tension remains. Plissken looks over Solid. "Were you bitten?" Snake looks like he's fallen down an elevator shaft but Plissken can't see any bite marks.

"What do you think?" Snake asks.

Plissken doesn't respond. "Do you know a way out?"

Back in the lobby, the Doctor, Anakin and Grievous continue with their battle, but now the zombies are closing in and this gives Grievous an advantage. He's too heavy for the zombies to shift and their teeth are useless against him.

Zombies aren't the only thing these lot have to worry about.

At that very moment, a giant Soviet tank bursts through the wall and aims its main gun at the zombie horde.

Anakin and his enemies leap out of the way as the tank's gunner fires. The zombies are blown to bits and in the smoke of burning zombies and wreckage, General Grievous makes a handy escape—the coward.

From out of the Russian tank comes a bizarre cartoon like character with a green face and a Russian military uniform. "Do you know how to say "owned" in Russian? Owned!" shouts the Mask with a fake Russian accent.

Jumping off of his tank, the Mask points at Anakin and says in more fake Russian. "You, Hayden Christensen guy; I kill Sith lords ten times your size!"

The Doctor cries out in relief at the sight of the Mask. "Oh god, some aid at last."

The Doctor runs up to the Mask and gives him a high five like it's a tag team match. "You're in the ring!" the Doctor shouts.

The Mask grins and transforms into a stereotypical wrestler. "Let's rumble!"

Anakin charges the Mask but the Mask merely pulls out a small horn that says "squeeze me gently"

Anakin tries to avoid the blast, but there is no escaping the killer horn.

It goes "AOOOOGGGGGGHHHHHAAA!" And Anakin is thrown back like a ton of bricks. He may have as well tried to take on a hurricane.

At that moment, the skylight is smashed open and in jumps Batman and Wolverine. The two costumed heroes land before Anakin, further throwing the young Sith Lord off balance.

Wolverine unsheathes his claws and rubs them together. "Hey bub, we heard about what you did at the Jedi temple." The Canadian mutant grinds his teeth. "After what you did ta the younglings I'm gonna take it out of your hide."

Batman says nothing. Instead, he pulls out a grappling tool which allows him to cross chasms.

Launching forward on the line, Batman uses his momentum to knock down a zombie or twenty.

The Mask joins the party by turning into a lookalike of Adam West Batman. "Come on, old chum," he says in a goofy voice, "Let's fuck shit up."

While Batman and the Mask are taking care of the zombies, Wolverine is scrapping it out with Anakin . . . adamantium vs. lightsabre.

Wolverine isn't force sensitive but he knows how to fight force sensitives and hide your moves from them. Anakin however is no ordinary Jedi. Shooting out his organic hand, he fires Sith lightning at Wolverine; whose claws act like lightning rods.

The feral mutant cries out in agony before Anakin gives him a solid kick in the nuts. He begins to choke Wolverine with the force choke but at that moment his concentration is broken by a remote control batarang.

Anakin is knocked backwards. Wolverine recovers quickly and tries to slice Skywalker's head in half. The dark Jedi's reflexes are still on par and Wolverine only manages to leave some claw marks on the left side of Anakin's face.

Calling on the power of the Dark Side, Anakin drives a fist into Wolverine's soft throat and thrusts his lightsabre into his chest.

The force warns him to move; hence Anakin avoids the hail of gunshots that are aimed at him.

Revy and Bronson have shown up for the party. The Doctor can only gasp in shock at the lose woman firing two guns into the zombie hordes maniacally. He ducks as Revy almost shoots him by accident.

"Yeah!" she shouts, "Fucking suck that zombies!"

Charlie is less creative in his insults but he's a lot more savage. "Come here, you CUNTS!" he shouts.

Charlie charges at the zombie swarm, gunning down two zombies with a double barrelled shotgun. Not stopping to reload, he grabs the hammer from his belt and brains a couple of the walking dead.

Reloading his shotgun, Charlie opens fire on the Mask and on Anakin because he really doesn't care.

The Mask merely sidesteps the gunshot while he's killing zombies dressed like a WWE wrestler. "Watch it, baldy!" the Mask shouts.

Bronson just snarls and shoots two more zombies. The worst part of it is that he's buck naked. He's not nothing on except for a crude weapon's belt; for a finishing touch he's covered from head to foot in cooking grease.

Solid Snake and Snake Plissken show up looking for an exit and get a full view of Charlie's rear nudity. Both men wince and Plissken is glad he has only one eye.

Putting away his shotgun into his belt, Bronson grabs a homemade spear and drives it through one zombie's head. The big man's body shakes in pain as a zombie gets through and bites him.

Charlie doesn't scream, he just grabs that zombie and breaks its neck. With his spear, he kills several more of them while Revy provides cover, who is now firing on them with her AK-47. Revy is having the time of her life; it's like the best, most fun video game ever. Charlie's shotgun joins the music of her lethal laughter and deadlier gunfire.

Anakin meanwhile is in a pickle. As powerful as he is, he can't fight Wolverine, Doctor Who, the Mask and the zombies at once. Factor in the Batman and it's time for him to beat a hasty retreat.

Before he can, Batman's ultra-Batclaw shoots out and grabs not only his lightsabre but his chest and arm. Though he ducks to avoid a deadly strike from Wolverine, he can't avoid a powerful martial arts punch from Batman.

Knocked off balance and winded, Anakin slices through the cords on the Batclaw and knocks everyone back with the force.

He spins around and knocks the Mask back just as he's about to kill the dark Jedi with a humongous croquet mallet.

Solid Snake is about to join them but Snake Plissken grabs his shoulder. "Hey" he warns his companion, "That's the Batman there. That asshole will arrest both of us."

Solid shakes his head. "Ah, I feel bad about leaving those guys."

Plissken is firm on the matter. "They can handle themselves. We've got to find an exit." And they both flee for fear of the Bat.

Bronson has broken away from Revy and is becoming increasingly insane. He's taking more and more zombie bites but he's only fighting harder and harder. He's out of ammo for his shotgun but he's using his hammer and spear to kill as many of the fuckers as he can.

Charlie is throwing himself into the zombie horde like Alexander Anderson fighting Alucard's familiars. He just keeps on screaming and ignores any damage he takes; even when a zombie bites his ear off he just bites it back and beats its skull in with his mighty fists.

Bleeding heavily and infected, Charlie manages to reach a special wall panel that the zombies were unintentionally guarding. He smashes the glass on the panel which reads "In case of zombies break glass."

As the glass breaks a loud klaxon rings out.

Charlie Bronson dies, but to his last breath he keeps on smashing in skulls and killing zombies with his hammer and fists. His face at the last moment, moustache covered in snot, spit and blood. Scalp torn nearly off and eyes bulging out of their sockets. His ugly, pockmarked and scarred face twisted into an expression of perfect hateful joy; a madman's grin.

_Charlie Bronson cackles as he walks across a stage dressed in a three piece suit. Before him is a large, sympathetic audience of well to do people. _

_Charlie cackles maliciously as his face is revealed; he looks like he's gotten a crude makeup job to make him look like a zombie. "And that ladies and germs is how I died fighting the zombie horde." The audience awes in appreciation. _

_He stands ramrod straight and points at the crowd. "Zombie plan; I'll give you a fucking zombie plan! Good night ladies and gents, you've been fucking great!" _

_Charlie is treated to thunderous applause as the lights go quiet for the last time. _

When Charlie broke the glass, he caused an enormous prison riot to be released as a countermeasure for zombies. Hundreds of murderous convicts come out of their containment cells with all manner of weapons. Soon the army of killer prisoners are fighting the zombies.

Anakin leaps to a second floor just as a fat ninja shoots at him with a tanegashima.

The ninja curses as his musket ball came close enough to rustle some of Anakin's hair. With an acrobatic leap, the ninja jumps nearly twenty feet and catches the big chandelier in the middle of the lobby.

Wolverine curses that Skywalker escaped, but he's genuinely puzzled by the appearance of a ninja. After his experiences with the Hand, he's not very trusting of ninjas.

Batman has his hands full. Between using his fighting skill to kill zombies and subdue the prison riot he feels like he's back in Arkham city. The Dark knight throws himself into a group of prisoners with tazers

Batman feints, using his cape to block the knives and then does a summersault over the tazer wielder. Powerful strikes and nimble grappling moves make short work of the miscreants. Though his heart is pounding in his chest and his lungs are on fire, Batman can barely think of the fight.

Bruce Wayne hardly even notices when a zombie prisoner behind him is gunned down by the musket wielding ninja; the large calibre lead ball turning brains into their constituent atoms. Already the great superhero's mind is working on ways to evacuate any remaining survivors and find out who is responsible for this zombie outbreak.

Wolverine has the same concerns as Batman but he doesn't let himself get worried. He just enjoys himself as he kills both prisoners, zombies and newly turned zombie prisoners.

Meanwhile, a newly risen zombie Bronson has gotten up and is raising hell. Unlike his fellow undead, zombie Bronson is actually attacking the other zombies and his groans of hunger sound suspiciously like the word "cunt."

The prisoners have put a substantial dent in the zombie swarm, but it was essentially a suicide match. The plan was for the prisoners to kill as many zombies as they could before turning into a smaller, more manageable group of zombies. There are very few human convicts left now; but the damage they did to the hotel's furniture, walls and paintings already numbers into the tens of millions in damage.

Up on his perch, Christopher Hitchens jumps off the chandelier and onto the second floor where he uses his tanegashima as a quarterstaff. The heavy wood and iron musket easily crushes zombie skulls while razor sharp metal "A's" fly from the ninja's left hand and stab zombies fatally in the eye sockets and temples.

The Doctor roars as he takes a large, antique hand mirror and drives the handle into a zombie's eye, killing the last of those undead bastards.

Breathing in deeply, the Doctor fixes up his mussed hair and looks over his companions. The Time Lord feels like he's stepped into a fanfiction of _League of Extraordinary Gentlemen_. He's got a caped superhero, an X-man, a ninja, a toon, a crazy lady and his little old self. This is becoming very cool indeed.

"Hello, greetings and salutations to all," the Doctor yells out as he gingerly steps over the zombie corpses. "Hello, I'm the Doctor and from the looks of things we all might need a bit of explanation."

Wolverine grunts and lights a cigar for himself. "Ain't no explanation needed, bub. We got zombies—we kill em and whoever made em."

The Mask spins like a tornado and transforms into a lookalike of John F. Kennedy. "Gentlemen," he imitates JFK's accent perfectly, "At times like these our ability to retaliate must be strong and overwhelming."

JF-Mask pulls out a giant machine gun and grins. "Do not ask for easy lives, but ask to be stronger men." He reverts back to his ordinary self and whispers at the readers, "But between you and me I'm sticking with the Doctor."

The Doctor holds his hands out in a friendly gesture. "Well I for one think that if we are to survive, our first order of business will be to learn each other's names." He then adds, "And I never tell anybody my real name so call yourself whatever you like."

"I'll go first," says the Doctor, "I'm the Doctor; I surf porn on the internet, I go to raves and I save the world—although not in that order."

Hitchens goes next, pulling down his ninja mask to reveal that he is not in fact Japanese. "I'm Christopher Hitchens and I was recently diagnosed with oesophageal cancer." His eyes are bright but there is darkness in them.

Wolverine shakes his head and exhales cigar smoke. "Real cheerful, bub. Well, my name's Logan but you bozos can call me Wolverine."

The Mask goes next. "Call me Stanley, call me Jane, just don't call me late for dinner or William Shatner." They decide not to press further because they could be at this all day.

Revy gives herself a charming introduction. "Name's Revy, bitches! If I'm out of ammo, I won't think twice about tripping you while the zombies are chasing us."

"Very nice, honest; quite refreshing," the Doctor mutters. The lady is a little like Ace, but older and crazier.

Batman is last. The Doctor tries to coax him to speak. "Go on, old chum; tell us about yourself.

All they get is a bat glare and silence from Batman.

The Doctor rubs his hands together. "Well, now that is done our other friend can come out of hiding."

Knowing that his cover is blown, Dante comes from out behind the pillar he was hiding at; trying to glean as much as he could from these strange warriors.

Dante doesn't have a mark on him; by himself he slew over a hundred zombies. Their chopped bodies now stand testament to his skill with his scythe. Yet somehow even the scythe of the Grim reaper could not cut through the doors of the hotel or provide him with a way out. He's as trapped as everyone else is.

As much as he doesn't like it, Dante sees that he must earn these warriors trust. "My name is Dante of the First Crusade in the holy land." The warrior explains. "I seek only my beloved Beatrice, whom I have fought the countless forces of the inferno to save."

The Doctor nods. "Ah, you're that Dante! I love your poem! I truly love it!"

Dante gives the Doctor a weird look. He has written no poetry. What's this guy talking about?

The Doctor puts a hand on Dante's shoulder. "Dante, I promise you that I will help you find your Beatrice. In return I would like to ask that you help us."

Dante nods and grips the shaft of his grisly weapon. "Of course, as a Christian it is my duty to annihilate the minions of Satan wherever they may be." Dante looks around as if he's actually expecting the Devil to show up.

_In the shadows, the glowing red eyes half close with satisfaction. "The pawns have gathered and the lambs head off happily to slaughter. I find this . . . good." _

_The dark voice decides to fuck with these warriors._

The Doctor and his band of misfits are just about to set off when a demonic voice trumpets from everywhere and nowhere.

"_Round one completed! Romero Zombies!"_

The voice is horrible, breathy and otherworldly—the voice of a demon or a witch.

Everyone jumps and draws their weapons. Even Batman is visibly put on edge by the voice.

The voice speaks once more. "_Bye bye, Bronson!" _The announcement finishes with a string of ghoulish laughter.

The Doctor looks at everyone. "Alright, we're stuck in a hotel with no way out and heavily armed. I say that we head to the roof since that's where I've parked my—helicopter." He doesn't want to reveal that he's a time traveller just yet.

Revy grins. "Fuck yeah! Let's do it!" The rest of the men except for Batman raise a weapon in the air and give a rebel yell.

Out in the maze, the teams of Mandalorians and Jem'Hadar also heard the announcement by the demonic voice.

The Leader of the Mandalorians gives out a throaty war cry. Meanwhile the leader of the Jem'Hadar screams out. "Victory is life!" His troops return the cry and continue their march to life and victory.

_Zombie Apocalypse: Round 2_

Solid Snake and Snake Plissken trek through the halls of the hotel, which are unnervingly free of dead bodies. There's blood though; ooh boy, there's lots of blood here. Everywhere on the walls and floor there are bloody handprints where people were brutally slaughtered by monsters.

Normally specializing in solo sneaking missions, Snake nonetheless finds that his companion Plissken is stealthy enough to be considered an asset and not a liability.

Armed with his CQC knife and pistol, Snake's senses are wary. He and Plissken move in such a way as to cover the other's blind spot.

Zombies aren't exactly stealthy but men like Plissken and Solid are alive today because they expect the unexpected.

All of the elevators are inactive so the men are forced to take the stairs. The stairs are also fully of blood but no bodies. This does not bode well. Because during the zombie apocalypse, the only safe corpse is one with no head or destroyed brain.

Before they can reach the stairs, a man bursts out of his hotel suite grasping his hand. The man holds his bleeding hand and starts to choke.

Snake and Plissken stop. Taking a small risk, Snake notices the man is a priest and tries to ask him something important. "Father, are you alright?"

The Priest's choking and coughing are becoming more and more uncontrollable. Before their very eyes, the blood vessels in the priest's eyes have ruptured and his whole iris has turned red.

Snake asks one more time but Plissken can see that this human is a lost case. "Father, what happened to you?"

The Priest doesn't reply. Instead, his choking and gurgling noises turn into hissing and he charges Snake and Snake with flailing arms and a look of pure white hot rage on his face.

Taking a bead, Snake puts down the rage zombie before he can bite them. Both men briefly look at the dead rage zombie with a nervous look. That priest was fast; the rules of the game have changed.

A blood curdling scream reverberates down the hall, causing Snake and Plissken to realize that they need to get running; stealth is no longer a priority. They continue running towards the stairs just as a whole herd of rage zombies come exploding out of the end of the hall.

Unlike the Romero zombies form the last round, the rage zombies are as fast as Olympic sprinters and murderous to boot. Their clothes and faces are covered with pungent infected blood in various stages of drying off.

Plissken fires his submachine gun into the writing mass of murder. A few rage zombies at the front fall but the group keeps on charging.

The two outlaws run like the devil is after them, which he might as well be.

Snake and Plissken run into the stairwell, which once upon a time was white. Now everything is painted red with blood.

Before slamming the door shut, Plissken grabs a concussion grenade and tosses it at the rampaging rage zombies. He slams the door shut and screams at Solid Snake, "RUN!"

Though running is hard for both men since the concrete stairs are covered in slippery blood; a very fresh coating of blood too.

The concussion grenade is deadly in the confines of the hallway and the rage zombies are slain by the concussive blast. Their infected blood splatters everywhere and the door to the stairwell is blown in.

The concussive force knocks down the soldier and the criminal. They fall and land hard on the steps; their hands and feet slipping on the slick read coating.

Plissken wants to puke; the smell is so god awful. He's smelled blood before, but the rage virus in the blood makes it smell bad, rotten somehow. Solid Snake wants to puke just as bad but he hides it better than Plissken.

Though their ears are ringing, the two men communicate to each other with hand signals. There's no time to slow down; they have to be quick or be dead.

As their ears stop ringing, they men can hear something that makes even the son of Big Boss feel mortal terror.

There are screams, the scream of souls tormented by rage virus; their brains rotted by the virus and twisted into something less than an animal. There are hundreds of them, maybe more if the volume of the screams are anything to go by.

Immediately the two men get running as Plissken grabs another concussion grenade. Up they go.

The hotel is vast and General Grievous crawls up an elevator shaft like a bug. He doesn't fear the zombies and he'll never confess to being afraid of Anakin Skywalker.

As Grievous climbs up the elevator shaft, he can hear screams. Above him, an elevator door is open and warm blooded zombies with red eyes peer down at him with mindless fury.

The rage zombies do not interest General Grievous but he might have to reconsider that opinion as they start to fall down the bottomless elevator shaft to try and get at him.

He swats out his claws, crushing them as they fall past him. They writhe as they plunge down the dark elevator shaft; twisting in the all-consuming darkness. They don't even understand why they're falling; they just need to kill something.

Several rage zombies manage to grab onto Grievous's long cape. He growls for he knows that the miserable vermin will get fluids on it.

Distracted, he almost doesn't notice several rage zombies fall and grab onto his angular metal frame. The creatures flail and roar, trying to make him fall in their lack of self-preservation.

Grievous shakes the attackers off like fleas but more come to replace them. When he gets to the top of that elevator, he'll show these fools what a ligthsabre can do.

Anakin Skywalker, once known as the chosen one is having a ball. If anything, the lightsabre is the perfect weapon to fight rage zombies with. The weapon cauterizes all wounds; a plus when even a single drop of infected blood can convert a person into a rage zombie in a matter of seconds.

The frictionless blade of his lightsabre slices off heads and cuts through three rage zombies in a single sweep. The shrieking creatures keep coming and coming but Anakin just keeps hacking at them with his lightsabre.

Suddenly, one of the rage zombies vomits blood in Anakin's direction. Scooting sideways, Anakin decapitates the offender while using a backwards kick to knock down another zombie that tried to sneak up on him.

Anakin taps into the dark side, feeding not only off his anger but off the anger of these creatures. Unlike these creatures he controls his anger; he feeds off of it and not the other way around.

On the third floor of the Hotel, the doctor and his companions have reached a vast indoor garden with a huge window that normally allows vast amounts of sunlight in. The indoor garden looks like nothing more than the Garden of Eden.

Outside, the sky is dark and appears to be blocked by unnatural looking clouds.

The group enters cautiously. All the staircases and elevators have been blocked and they lack the means to approach them. The Doctor and Batman lead the way, allowing the group to take advantage of the Doctor's superhuman senses as well as

Wolverine is frustrated with the situation. "So much damn fear and blood I can't hardly smell a thing." It's simple sensory overload; the olfactory equivalent of staring into a flashlight.

Batman scans the surroundings with his cowl vision. Instantly, this mode of vision allows him to see through walls and other objects.

The Dark Knight gives a quick overview of the situation. "There are approximately seventy infected hidden in that grove of trees."

Revy chuckles and lights up a smoke. "Anything else, bats?" She pulls out her mini Uzi for some close quarters carnage.

Batman replies without a pause. "There are thirty more zombies behind us."

The Doctor acts like a happy child on his birthday. "An encirclement! That's fantastic."

At that moment, the lights in the garden flicker back on and soothing music starts to play on the speakers. The zombies scream and they gang has only seconds to fight. Revy grits her teeth and makes a cry. "Come and get it, zombies!"

"Amen to that," says Hitchens, who pulls out his kusari-gama. The combination sickle and ball and chain will allow him to keep distance from the rage zombies.

As the zombies start to run through the dense foliage of the garden, the Doctor bends down and licks a puddle of blood. Wolverine puts a claw to the Doctor's throat but the Doctor laughs him back. "Whoa, Wolverine, my good man; I am immune."

Logan is still on edge as the Doctor delivers an analysis. "It's rage virus but it's been modified to infect non-human species." He quickly turns to Wolverine, "you're immune though, trust me."

At that moment, the zombies burst into the open. Unlike regular zombies, rage zombies don't have any appetite; they are simply trying to kill whatever isn't a rage zombie. So that trick in _Dawn of the Dead_ remake where they send the dog into the street—forget about it.

The sound of guns is foreign to Dante. In hell the furnaces and forges of the inferno were loud but he's surprised that these weapons can make so much noise. The Crusader watches in amazement as Revy with her Uzi picks off foes seemingly with nothing but the sound of thunder.

Wolverine reaches behind his back and pulls out the Bren light machinegun strapped there. "I'm slicing you fuckers," the mutant hisses before pulling the trigger.

While the gun wielders handle the front wave, Dante, Hitchens, the Mask and the Doctor handle the rear attack.

To everyone's surprise, the mask pulls out a giant wardrobe from his pocket which sprouts large teeth and begins to eat the angry zombies like candy.

The Batman dives into the miniature grove of trees, using his grappling hook to leap from tree branches and rafters alike. Batman sprays a load of explosive foam on the ground and grapples to the ceiling just as the zombies encircle him. One of them steps on the foam, detonating the lethal dose of explosive. The concussive blast scrambles their internal organs and kills them.

Batman then drops from the rafters and catches one zombie in a glide kick

Hitchens crushes skulls with the one pound metal ball on his weapon while using the sickle part to hamstring enemies; thus avoiding getting any blood on them.

The Doctor attacks zombies with his bare hands, killing them with high level moves from Venusian Aikido. "Don't get the blood on you!" he screams as he uses pressure point strikes to give a rage zombie an instantly fatal heart attack.

Dante smiles at that. He's got just the spell.

Pulling out Beatrice's cross, Dante shouts a prayer. Suddenly, two masses of light bunch around his back like the wings of an angel. Several stray bullets from Revy hit him but the spell protects Dante.

Dante throws himself headfirst into the zombies. His scythe swings out with impeccable skill, stretching out like an elastic to reach enemies far off. The rage zombies are cut down by Dante like grass. Their blood flies everywhere but the protective spell just throws it all back.

Dante jumps in the air and he starts to hover there like a hummingbird. He cries and shouts as he cuts down the zombies from above.

Hitchens doesn't believe in God but he admires the Christian's killing technique as he throws an elbow and catches a rage zombie in the throat, cutting off its chilling scream.

Revy is just cackling like a mad woman. Nobody, not even Dante is fighting as hard as she is. She reloads with the speed of a magician; her guns are hot from the sheer amount of bullets fired but she doesn't stop, especially when a hundred more rage zombies pile into the garden and trample all the beautiful flowers.

Revy just keeps shooting, it's like she's pissing brass casings. She shows no fear; she no longer remembers how to feel it. Fear is for the enemy . . . fear and bullets.

Even when the zombies are only five feet from her, she stands her ground and keeps firing with her assault rifle and Uzi.

There her luck ends. The bullets kill the rage zombies but they cover Revy with a fine mist of blood. Some of that blood mist gets into a tiny cut on her knuckles.

Dante's protective spell has finished and how he fires cross shaped bolts at the zombies which kill them instantly. In his opinion, the cross is a lot more civilized than any gun.

Only one rage zombie is left. The thing flails and shrieks and runs for the Mask . . . only to have an anvil fall on it.

The Mask smiles like the goof he is. "Zombies, gets em every time." He then pulls out a cow bell and starts ringing it while he laughs. "Ha-ha-HA!"

Revy laughs and pops the last spend magazine from her guns. "Yeah! YEAH!" she shouts. The violence has made her so horny. She could just jump Dante right now.

Hitchens's sharp ninja eye however spots the wound on Revy's hand and the blood around it. "It that your blood?" he asks.

Revy is about to reply but for some reason she feels angry. She tries to form words but her tongue is tied.

Suddenly, she gasps and feels a lightning bolt of pain run through her. The vessels in her eyes are rupturing.

Hitchens pulls out his sword but Revy cries out. "No! I'll do it myself!"

She starts to groan and makes several uncontrollable shrieks, but before she can fully turn, she takes her custom Cutlass Beretta and puts it to her own head.

Her face forms an insane grin as tears of blood run down her face and her hand shakes. She says nothing as she blows her own brains out, she just laughs once. She died like she lived, on her own terms.

Her dead corpse has barely hit the ground when the demonic announcer cuts off any chance for mourning.

"_Round two completed! Rage Zombies!" _

Dante cries up so that the voice can hear him. "Know this, spawn of Lucifer. I will slaughter you when we meet!"

The demonic announcer cackles and ignores Dante's threat

"_Revy is burning in hell and the Jem'Hadar have taken two losses."_ Even creepier, the voice starts to sing _ten little monkeys. _

"_Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell down and now he's DEAD! AH-HA!" _

The ninja Hitchens is only slightly irritated at the voice; he is a hardened critic and ninja after all. "You can go to hell, you bloody prick," he mutters as he starts to munch on an energy bar from his pocket.

Wolverine looks at Hitchens. "You can eat at a time like this, bub?"

Hitchens gives Wolverine his trademark sarcasm, "Forgive me, I skipped breakfast." His ninja instincts tell him that Revy won't be the last person killed. "

The Doctor looks around. "Well, Batman is nowhere to be seen. Probably run off to find an antidote or something." He looks at his remaining companions, "He'll be fine. We should keep moving."

The Mask compliments the Doctor on his performance, transforming into a stoner kid. "Oh man, awesome, like, use of the skills Doc."

The Doctor bows, "Thank you Stanley." His old eyes then grow hard and cold as death. "Now, let's go kick some ass.

In the maze, the Jem'Hadar can see the front gate of the hotel. Two of their number have fallen. They became infected with the rage virus. While the Doctor and Wolverine may be immune, they are not.

The infected Jem'Hadar were killed by the unit commander. It was his right and his right alone. It was all going so well, with their disrupters they were killing rage zombies left right and centre. Then two of them got spots of blood in their eyes.

The Jem'Hadar commander is almost quivering with rage. He has no idea who is behind this or why it's happening but his men's deaths will not be in vain.

He says no words of requiem for the Jem'Hadar do not believe in an afterlife. He merely takes the tubes of the drug ketracel white from the dead and distributes them among the living.

Shifting to make themselves invisible, the Jem'Hadar stealthily enter the hotel. With their numbers reduced, they are ready to take revenge.

Back at the temporary headquarters for the authorities, Jack O'Neill is running out of options. They had sent several aircraft into the Hotel Zone but those had all been downed by zombie owls.

One SWAT team they sent in had been totally decimated by rage zombies and if what he heard was true there were several other deadly zombie species in the maze.

O'Neill had gathered several infiltration experts including Jack from Bioshock, Kim Possible, George Washington and Big Boss but the higher ups had forbidden him from sending anybody else into the Hotel de Zombies.

Notable scientist Gordon Freeman is working hard to break the communication silence but no luck thus far. At this point it looks like anybody left alive in that hotel is on their own.

Batman swoops through the halls of the hotel, moving without a sound. His boots are lighter than any combat boot available to anybody else and they are spring loaded, allowing him to move his kicks much faster.

Yet Batman is worried. This hotel is legally owned by Bruce Wayne and there is a mini bat cave in this place with everything that Batman would need to fight a horde of zombies. Unfortunately for him that mini bat cave has been trashed.

There are no coincidences. Batman knows that all these warriors being here isn't a coincidence. Whoever is behind this zombie attack is smart, methodical and above all patient. Also this mysterious party has considerable resources.

There is a secret stash of equipment in the bell tower of this hotel. Batman soon reaches the Hotel bell tower. Suddenly however, a stray Romero zombie lunges out at Batman. The Dark Knight dispatches the lone zombie without thinking, snapping its neck. The zombie lands flat and hits a folding table.

High in the bell tower, Anakin Skywalker turns as he hears the sound of a breaking table even from up here. He's being followed even as he follows General Grievous. Anakin quickly increases his pace up the rickety wooden stairs using powerful force leaps.

Solid Snake and Plissken have abandoned the main stairwell and are moving through the employee elevator. Both men are bone weary and low on ammo. Luckily for them, Plissken had a cache of spare ammo in his hotel room.

Snake kicks open the door of the employee's only stairwell. He sweeps the hall with his SOCCOM while Plissken follows with his Ingram's machine gun.

To neither man's pleasure, they see that the door to Plissken's room is already open. Both men enter but are highly wary, not only for guns but for potentially human enemies.

They enter the room. The lights to the hotel turned on some time ago but they don't reveal anything pretty. The lights flicker then they reveal several corpses lying around Snake's room.

Neither man wastes a moment, Snake goes up to each corpse and knifes them in the brain with his blade. Plissken meanwhile opens up his oversized hockey bag. Inside however is not hockey gear. From within he pulls out a box of ammo and throws it to Snake who happily reloads his pistol with it.

Plissken rummages around the hockey bag, grabbing a few more grenades but he can't seem to find . . . ah, bingo!

Snake looks at Plissken as the other pulls out a PKM machine gun, a Soviet manufactured platoon level machine gun designed to clear out large areas of men. It sure can't hurt to have it around but Solid Snake doesn't fully trust the eye patch wearing man. He never takes his eyes off Plissken.

Plissken shares Solid Snake's mistrust but at least from what he's seen, Solid Snake is a reliable guy.

Anakin has reached the top of the bell tower and he wants to make sure that the Batman isn't following him any longer. Igniting his lightsabre, Anakin throws the weapon and it sails through the air under the power of the force.

The lightsabre boomerangs through the air, cutting off the hinges holding up one of the three ton brass bells before returning to Anakin.

The bell clangs and creaks in protest as it falls down the tall bell tower, smashing the wooden steps and crashing into the bottom floor of the bell tower. Nobody else can enter through the ground level entrance.

Midway up the tower, Batman holds his body fast against the stone walls. He can't use the wood steps, but as Batman he's the master of vertical surfaces. Even yet, it was a close call; he nearly got crushed by that falling bell.

Using his grappling line, Batman swoops into the upper levels of the bell tower to unknowingly face off Anakin.

Back in the maze, the Mandalorians can see the front gate of the hotel. They don't like it however when the maze walls shift and close behind them. It makes them feel like they're being herded. Captain Picard has been lost in the maze and nobody knows if he's alive or dead.

Either way, the Mandalorians have confidence not only in their armour but in their skills and bravery. They don't think about what's going to happen to them, they only think about what they're going to do to their enemies.

Their confidence, their armour and even their very souls are about to be tested.

At first it's just one zombie. The Mandalorians use their jet packs to crash through the front doors of the Hotel. Inside they find hundreds of dead zombies, some of which are wearing prison uniforms for some reason. A single zombie is alive, a fat zombie.

The leader Mando cuts the zombie's head off without much trouble. Suddenly, the doors and exits are blocked by walls of fire and the Mandalorians raise their weapons and form a defensive circle. Through the flames come zombies. Their arms are charcoaled but their faces are intact and most sickeningly of all their screams are screams of pain as the flames eternally scorch their bodies.

The flaming zombies fall back under a hail of blaster fire. Looking for superior vantage point, they activate their jet packs and fly up to the second floor balcony.

The Mandalorians scan the area with their guns but from out behind a curtain comes a zombie wielding a chainsaw. The chainsaw cuts through the lead Mando's gun and throws her backwards.

The white eyed zombie howls with rage and swings his screaming chainsaw down on the armoured fighter.

The chainsaw however is cut in half by the leader's beskad while the rest of the squad blows away the assailant.

They don't get a long rest because from out of the once popular restaurant come a horde—no—a platoon of zombies armed with assault rifles.

These grotesque zombies are wearing futuristic versions of German Stahlhelms and haven no shirts. Each one of them has at least one arm mutated into a powerfully built tentacle. As they fire their weapons and charge, the Mandalorians hear them shout. "_You! Die!" _

The Mandalorians fire back but one zombie scores a lucky shot as an armour piercing bullet hits the t shaped visor. One Mando goes down with a bullet to the brain.

The leader throws a grenade and screams but there are many more; these Doom zombies don't go down easily. They are strong, agile and utterly single minded as any Romero zombie.

The Mandalorians have superior armour but the zombies have superior weapons. Broadcasting a message over their helmet coms, the leader calls for a charge.

At this, all the Mandalorians pull out their beskads and charge. Bullets ping off their armour in bright displays of sparks. One of the Mandos goes down when a bullet hits him in a weak point in his armour.

As strong as the zombies are, they are hacked to pieces by the heavy beskar blades. The curved beskad is perfect for cutting and the Mandalorians are too skilled to let themselves be beaten back in combat. Unlike the zombies, Mandos learn from their mistakes.

High up in the hotel, the Doctor and his gang have encountered a band of Doom zombies; zombies created by evil spirits from hell. Unlike the Zombie commandos, the zombie soldiers are more tactical minded. They behave more like real soldiers than zombies. They use cover and squad tactics to gun down their enemies.

The Doctor takes the front, using his sonic screwdriver to disable their guns. He cries out in pain as a bullet hits his shoulder and then his other shoulder, but the pain only increases his determination. With enough zombies having inoperative guns, he shouts for a charge. "Come on!" he screams.

Wolverine reacts, tossing a flash bang grenade for cover. With the zombies stunned, they barely notice it when the one with the minigun is shit in the eye with Hitchens's tanegashima. Dante provides cover for Hitchens while he reloads his musket. The man is more accurate with that smooth bore gun than anybody has a right to be . . . then again he is a ninja.

It turns out that Dante's holy cross and Scythe are perfect for dealing with these hell monkeys. The spells from Beatrice's cross wither them like leaves in fall.

Hitchens fires a second time with his musket, killing a zombie with a functioning gun. He motions for Dante to move forward. The Crusader needs no further encouragement.

Dante charges into the mass of seemingly endless doom zombies Under the Doctor's skilled use of a sonic screwdriver, nearly all of these zombies have useless guns and they don't even get to scratch Dante.

From behind Hitchens, a chainsaw zombie explodes through the wall. The beast raises its chainsaw, but is no match for skilful swordplay for Hitchens. Before the three pieces of the Hell Knight can fall to the floor, three commando zombies charge through the hole.

One of them lunges for Christopher with its tentacle, but that limb is cut off with a sword. Hitchens leaps overtop of one of the commandos and hamstrings it before beheading it.

One of them is carrying a giant axe in its hand and it swings down with the weapon, hoping to bisect Hitchens. The fat ninja nimbly dodges the attack and kicks the handle of the axe, hitting the zombie right in the groin.

The creature groans and falls over. Before it can get up, three razor sharp metal A's hit in the forehead and eyes and kill it.

The last commando catches Hitchens by the neck with its tentacle but even like this the ninja is fast on his feet. He throws out the ball end of his kusari-gama. The heavy metal object hits the zombie in the face and drives a piece of bone into its brain. The tentacle is cut in half by Christopher with the sickle end.

Then he dramatically swings around the metal ball until it has enough force to crush the commando zombie's skull.

The Doctor suddenly decides, "Fuck it!" and he grabs what looks like a cookie. "Get down, fuckers!" he shouts in a most un-Doctor like way.

All human fighters duck for cover as the doctor throws the cookie bomb into the midst of the zombies.

Luckily the Doctor was able to aim the explosion like a claymore mine. A massive wall of energy is released that tears through zombies and walls like it's nothing, even a massive Cyberdemon is blasted to atoms before it can even join the fight.

The Doctor waits for thirty seconds but he can't hear a thing. Looking up, he sees that his jammy dodger bomb has blasted right through several floors.

Well, he may have killed a few people but at least they have several clear floors now.

Wolverine stands up and takes off his drywall covered mask. "Alright bub, who the hell are you?"

The Doctor just smiles. "I'm the oncoming storm, now let's move people! We have a train to catch."

_The Dark voice is pleased . . . to a point. Things are going well but the casualties are not as high as expected. "My plans continue, but for ultimate victory to be mine I need to . . . tighten the screws." _

So far, Revy and Bronson are dead. The Jem'Hadar lost two men in the last match but none in this one; their superior weapons set to vaporize against the Doom zombies.

Two Mandalorians are dead and they plan to avenge their dead. One of them became possessed by a hell spirit and had to be put down while another had its neck broken by a tentacle.

Batman is trapped in the bell tower with Anakin and General Grievous is almost at the roof where his spaceship will take him away.

Yet things are only about to become more difficult now and a thousand times more deadly.

The demonic announcer gives a sharp, breathy announcement.

_Round Three! Doom Zombies! Two dead in the Mandalorians. You will all burn in hell! Nya-hahahah!" _

_Zombie Apocalypse: Round Four_

Up in the bell tower, Batman ignores the dark voice. Using his cowl vision, he sees that he is alone except for one enemy. Seeing that enemy, Batman can see a lightsabre illuminated in red.

Suddenly, Anakin calls to Batman. "I know you're there, Batman. I can feel you."

In the rafters of the bell tower, Batman sits hunched like a gargoyle. He knows he's been found but this is merely a feint, a way to play into Skywalker's overconfidence and newfound rage.

For the Batman, this is the moment he lives for; facing down a heavily armed and nearly unstoppable foe and besting them.

Anakin may be the chosen one but Batman is the silent hunter; using precision and skill to take down his foes when and where he chooses.

"Are you here to stop me, Batman?" Anakin taunts the dark knight. "Or are you just here to watch innocent people die?"

He's trying to get at the Batman mentally, for the Sith are master liars and deceivers. The Sith in the days of the old Republic wore their hatred openly. They were evil, but honest and pure.

Anakin is heir to the new Sith legacy. These new Sith smile at you. They are your best friend, your husband or even the Chancellor of the republic. While they promise the moon behind their backs they hold a lightsabre. They will only cackle openly about your death when you are all alone and there are no witnesses—then your throat is cut and that is that.

Batman moves through the rafters, using his cowl vision to keep track of Anakin in the dark and gloomy bell tower interior. He has a plan to defeat the Sith; it will be no different than defeating any of the Rogues in his enemies gallery.

"Emperor Palpatine admires you greatly, Batman," Anakin taunts, walking easily across the wooden floor silently as a mouse. "In his wisdom the Emperor has made a point of finding out your darkest secrets, your deepest fears."

Anakin closes his eyes briefly and when he opens them, his eyes are a sickly shade of yellow. He's at one with the power of the dark side. "I know who you are . . . Bruce Wayne."

He can almost feel Batman's shock.

Back in the main hotel, the Doctor and his companions are nearing the top floor. The Doctor leads the group. As they march, Dante poses a question to Wolverine. "I see you are a mighty warrior. Did you fight in the holy land?"

"Ain't nothing holy about it, bub?" Wolverine gruffly replies.

The gang stop in their tracks as suddenly a green figure with long mechanical limbs coming off his short body leaps on the Doctor.

The Doctor cries out as a mechanical PAK leg stabs him in the leg.

Those who have guns raise them and those who don't raise their weapons but the Doctor calls for them to stop.

Pinning down the Doctor is none other than Invader Zim. Time has not been kind to Zim, his flesh is rotting and his eyes have turned an unhealthy pink. But the zombie Invader is in high spirits. "Bua-hahahahah! Inferior Time Lord; did you think that you could defeat ZIM!"

Wolverine points his machine gun at Zim. "Who's this clown."

"Can I shoot him already? The match on my musket is burning down," Hitchens gently and acerbically reminds everyone.

Zim however ignores everyone, thinking that foolishly he's got the upper hand. "You pathetic Time Lord thingy, Doctor; no one can defeat ZIM . . . NO ONE!"

The Doctor was slightly remorseful when he killed Zim the first time but now he's just pissed off. "Oh shut up!" he yells at Zim and he barely even hesitates when the Mask hands him literally a Sears and Roebuck chainsaw on a silver platter.

Using his sonic screwdriver to fire up the chainsaw, Zim's rant is cut off in mid-sentence as the Doctor cuts off his head with a chainsaw. The saw roars and shreds necrotic Irken flesh; the powerful two stroke engine barely even registers Zim's spine.

Deprived of his head, Zim's zombie body goes limp and the Doctor frees himself.

Zim's head however is still ranting and raving. "FOOL!" he shouts, "You think you've won but ZIM has you where he wants you."

The Doctor bends down and picks up Zim's head, which tries to bite him. "Zim, for once in your life will you SHUT UP!"

This quiets Zim down right before he starts screaming for GIR. GIR is actually in a triple XXX theatre two blocks down from the Hotel watching strippers; he can't help Zim.

"Zim," says the Doctor, "You are a failure at everything you try. My advice to you is to deflate your ego and fuck off."

With that, he kicks Zim's severed head like soccer down the hallway, where it then rolls down the stairs.

Suddenly, Wolverine's hyper keen senses pick up the sound of many thousands of wings. His keener nose gets a whiff of something which he only encountered once in his life but it still scares him shitless.

"Great shitting weasels!" Wolverine cries out in distress, "Zombies owls! Look lively, people!"

"What?" says the Doctor; channelling David Tennant. Right then, a thousand, thousand zombie owls explode through the windows of the hotel and start pouring in through the ventilation system.

Snake and Plissken are running for their lives, hundreds of rotting zombies owls are upon them. Plissken tries to keep them at bay with his platoon machine gun but there are too many.

Out of ammo for his SOCCOM pistol, Snake resorts to knifing the owls and shooting them with his sniper rifle. It's a great show of his marksmanship but is definitely not the most efficient way to destroy a horde of killer owls.

A thousand undead hoots reach both men's ears and frankly it scares them.

Both of the men are distracted by a _ding!_ They turn around and see a light. The elevator is working again!

This could be their only chance to escape. The two former Special Forces operatives make a mad dash for it.

Plissken's luck however has run out. From out of the swarm, one owl shots forward and gores out his remaining eye. He screams and breaks the wings of the feathered villain but five more take its place. Their sharp beaks and claws slash open his major arteries, split his skin and tear muscle.

Plissken screams but the owls swarm him. They tear him apart like army ants killing a grasshopper.

Solid Snake knows there's nothing he can do to help his companion, but that doesn't stop him from feeling like a coward when the elevator doors jump in and hits the button for the top floor.

A few dozen owls manage to sneak into the elevator with Snake and they don't take it easy on him. They hoot and attack the hero but for the most part his sneaking suit helps to protect him.

His knife flies out with skill far beyond the ken of most men, slicing owls in half

One lucky owl though gets a shot in at Snake, ripping out his eye with its cruel beak.

Snake cries out in pain and stabs the owl through the head.

Snake leans against the back of the elevator as he tries to stop the bleeding. His eyeball is still hanging off of the optic nerve and dangles on his cheek.

Gritting his teeth, Snake quickly slices off his damaged eye, wracking his body with spasms of pain greater than anything he's felt before.

But Solid Snake has lost more than an eye; he's now been infected with the zombie virus. All he can do now is hope that the virus doesn't infect humans, only birds.

If he were that lucky.

Back with the Doctor's gang, Doctor Who is defending himself using his sonic screwdriver. He nimbly spins the screwdriver at deadly velocity between his fingers. The spinning metal tube crushes the skulls of the undead owls and they pile up around his feet. It's very reminiscent of when Ocelot in _Metal Gear Solid 3_ used his spinning revolvers to kill a swarm of hornets.

Hitchens slashes and chops with his ninjato; cutting the owls to pieces before they can get near him. He even uses a Hitch slap to kill a thousand of them, but a thousand more come in to take their places.

The owls pile on and on to Hitchens even as he slices the owls apart. Their gooey zombie blood and guts gumming up his sword for their sheer numbers. When the sword blade grows dull from the sheer number of kills, he uses his kusari-gama and the last of his killer A's but it's not enough.

The owls swarm around him. They land on him and start to cover him up like a great feathery cocoon. Hitchens fights it for as long as he can but more and more owls land on top of him until he can't even be seen. Soon even his struggles under the blanket of zombie owls can't be seen.

Without warning, the zombie owls fly away, revealing nothing at all where Christopher Hitchens was, not even a blood stain.

Dante fights the owls with the lust storm and magic attacks that have as wide a sweep as possible. The owls fly at Dante but their delicate bodies are easily shredded by the lightning and hard winds of lust. The only downside is that Dante feels the spell sucking the life out of him.

Even so, the crusader's will is strong. He shouts prayers to God and banishes more zombie owls to the hell from which they came.

Wolverine has gone completely berserk. He's used up all his ammo and grenades; he's just wildly slashing at the owls with nothing but his regenerative powers to save him from the endless beaks and slaws.

His adamantium claws are coated in feathers but he doesn't give a shit. At one point an owl lands on his shoulder and he bites its head off.

The sheer number of owls attacking wolverine rips his uniform to shreds until he's nearly naked but the Canadian mutant never stops. He lets out a long, dreadful howl that could strike fear even into the hearts of the zombies and renews his attacks.

Wolverine likes it this way; his power versus their numbers. It's a wonderful game to see who can outlast who. He knows that he's going to win.

_The dark voice reviews options. It would be nice for everyone to be dead now, but the voice is not that blindly optimistic. _

_The red eyes blink and the voice speaks. "There have been casualties . . . but not enough. It is time now to play my trump card."_

_Lamentably, Zim jumped the gun, but Zim was only cannon fodder anyway. _

With the last of the owls slain, the demonic announcer crows out the latest casualties like a rooster crowing for the rising sun.

"_Round Four! Zombie owls! All the Jem'Hadar have been eliminated! Christopher Hitchens and SD Bob "Snake" Plissken have all bought the farm. Better surrender now and spare yourselves the pain!" _

Mocking laughter punctuates the chilling announcement.

In the hotel garden where the gang fought the rage zombies, the Jem'Hadar all lie dead. Their bones are picked clean by the efficient action of the zombie owls. They were tough but they didn't have what it took.

The Mandalorians escaped casualties but they know that they may not survive. So they decide "to hell with it!" They're going to go out in style and kill as many zombies as they can.

Though their armour is bloodied and stained with owl shit, their weapons are hot and they're ready to strike.

_Zombie Apocalypse: Round Five_

We are now halfway through this match :D I'll upload part three of this very soon :D Take your time now for a bathroom break.


	17. Back for Blood Part 3

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior: Zombie Apocalypse Part 3

Disclaimer: I own no registered characters. Take it up with my non-existent lawyer.

Enjoy the final Battle :D

* * *

_Zombie Apocalypse: Round Five_

In the bell tower, Anakin steps over a giant heap of dead owls. Looks like undead feathers burn very easily; enter force lightning. Really, the damn birds were too easy to kill but in the fight he lost track of the Batman.

There! In the shadows, Anakin can see Batman's cape. Striking while the iron is hot, Anakin throws his lightsabre at the Dark Knight.

The blue glow of his lightsabre illuminates the dark bell tower and cuts the cape in half. Anakin catches his lightsabre but quickly he sees that his weapon has cut through only empty fabric.

Realizing that he's been had, Anakin calls the lightsabre back to him but before he can catch it, the wall next to him explodes from a well-placed explosive charge.

Anakin is thrown off his feet; his ears ring and he's dropped his damn lightsabre. The explosion blew out the wooden wall, showering Anakin in heavy wooden beams and wood planks.

As Anakin attempts to free himself from the pile of wreckage, Batman hits open a wall panel and out comes a bat supply kit. Evidently whoever sabotaged the mini bat cave missed this little stash. As fast as he can, Batman restocks on batarangs, explosive gel and even grabs a spare cape.

As he does so, Batman hears something fly at him. He narrowly manages to dodge a flying disc, like a large circular shield with an American flag painted on it.

The flying shield misses Batman and bounces off a stone support pillar and bounces back into the hands of its owner, a tall muscular man with a red white and blue uniform. That red, white and blue uniform though is covered in blood and full of tears. Truly, Captain America has fallen far.

"Well look here," drawls the zombie Captain America with a certain sadism that he lacked when his heart was beating, "it's a rat with wings."

Batman's jaw clenches as the rotting corpse of Steve Rogers walks into the little light that's there. "Now is now a good day to push me, Rogers." It's the only warning that they'll get.

"Surrender now, Bruce," says Iron man, "We'll make it painless, we promise." The once playful billionaire Tony Stark has got his visor open. While his Ironman armour is in pristine condition, his lips are rotted off and his eyes are milky white. His tear ducts no longer work so his corneas are scratched by little bits of accumulating dust. None of that distracts him because the only thing he can feel anymore is hunger.

Batman hears another sound, the straining sound of an arrow being drawn in a bow. Hawkeye, the group's archer has not escaped the zombie fate of the rest. He's merely looking forward to shooting down the Batman like a hunter taking down any other wild game.

"Hey guys!" calls zombie Spiderman, "Can I keep his belt? I know we're all into the eat human flesh thing but gadgets are still my bag."

Batman stands as the Marvel Zombies surround him. Out from under his cape rolls a metal ball. Then the zombies realize that they made a big mistake.

The metal ball explodes into a flash of light and smoke. The zombies are blinded by it and they clutch their eyes. They may not feel pain but they are still blinded.

As their vision starts to return, thick smoke fills the bell tower that doesn't dissipate like ordinary smoke.

Captain American used to be a great tactician but hunger has muddled his brain. He shouts for the avengers to assemble just as somebody materializes behind Hawkeye and drives an explosive arrow into the avenger's brain. Hawkeye's head explodes like a zit and it's not pretty.

"Find him!" screams Captain America. This smoke not only interferes with their vision but with their sense of smell.

Ironman lowers his visor and starts to scan but this smoke must have a magnetic element because his scanners are turning up nothing but static. Ironman nearly jumps out of his rotting skin when a batarang slams into his face plate and cracks one of the "eyes" on the mask.

Giant man suddenly steps into the bell tower, pulling of the roof to do so. He sees Batman fighting the Marvel zombies and he can't help but laugh. "A little fight in him, I like that in my dinner." The giant zombie steps into the now roofless bell tower but as he does, a giant pile of wood explodes and a man with a lightsabre steps out.

"Then you're going to love me," says Anakin, practically spewing out dark side power.

The Doctor and his team have finally arrived on the roof of the Hotel where his time machine is parked. "We're almost there," the Time Lord warns. He warns because he doesn't expect to get away so easily from this mess. "Keep your guard up."

Wolverine snorts and tries to wipe zombie owl gore from his face. "Bub, I'll let me guard down when I'm back at the Xavier mansion with a twenty-four pack, a new box of cigars and a hooker in my bed."

"If you live that long," the crusader Dante adds. He's not normally the snide type but Dante can't help but find the whole situation a bit humorous. He escaped hell only to find hell on earth; really fucking hilarious.

Suddenly, everyone can hear a ringing noise. Dante swings his scythe around menacingly and shouts, "Come, Satan's minions! Come and die uselessly, you whore's sons!"

Wolverine puts a reassuring hand on Dante's shoulder. "Bub, that's a cell phone."

Dante looks at Wolverine with nervous curiosity. "Is that some form of hellspawn?"

"No," says the Doctor, "it's mine." From out of his pocket he pulls out something that's part cell phone, part compass and part protein bar. "I made it myself," the Doctor mutters.

The time traveller listens in on the phone. "Hello?" He pauses as the speaker replies. "It's president Obama," the Doctor adds.

"Is he an infidel?" asks Dante, whose experiences with infidels have seldom been happy.

"He says help is on the way!" the Doctor shouts. This earns a cheer from his crew, now reduced to three. He turns around only to notice that the Mask has gone AWOL.

Back at base camp, General O'Neill stand in front of the most massive assortment of vehicles assembled in the history of the world. It's like _Wacky Races_ on crack cocaine. Behind him, his buddy Teal'c is sitting in the cab of a giant, armoured Mad Max style semi-truck, ready to roll.

O'Neill puts down his radio and shouts to the men, "That's the signal boys! CHARGE!"

In the cab of his semi-truck, Teal'c bites down on a strange pill and shakes as a high goes through him. "Indeed," he says with a grin before putting on a pair of sunglasses.

Suddenly, a great mass of vehicles starts moving forward. High in the sky, Boba Fett's ship Slave 1 opens up on the thorn maze with a salvo of blaster fire; the deadly thorns don't stand a chance.

On the ground, the Elric brothers power ahead in a V-8 interceptor. Ed Elric hangs out of the passenger window firing a shotgun at the maze while Al drives.

A storm of zombie owls starts to attack the convoy like some kind of fucked up tornado. The zombie owls are met with a withering hail of firepower. Peter Griffin pilots a fire truck and on the top of the big red vehicle Mickey mouse and John Marston fire flamethrowers at the undead birds.

Hundreds of vehicles and flying machines go at the formerly unstoppable and impregnable thorn maze, tearing it apart. Teal'c's mighty semi-truck uproots a vast section of the thorns while on the top of it the Mario brothers and several allies man AA guns.

_Red eyes blink. The game is almost over and it will be soon time to make a tactical retreat. But the game is not over yet, there is still one last card to play before all this is over. Victory shall be his. _

The swarms of vehicles charge the hotel and even more support comes. A herd of elephants charges, followed by a few dozen troops of monkeys. Motorcycle cops and ambulances all charge to crack open the dreaded zombie Hotel.

An army of Zulu warrior scream and charge, their feet far too toughened to feel the flattened thorn maze.

Napoleon Bonaparte turns to his army and shouts. "March!" Napoleon's troops move in supported by a division of Scottish highlanders. The bagpipes are loud, I'll tell you what.

Naturally, this huge army is succeeding where infiltration failed and it's so loud that it can be heard all the way to the top of the hotel. Just one floor below the top is the Mask; the yellow zoot suit wearing hero strolls where others would fearfully tread and he whistles where others tremble in fear.

The Mask struts down the hall. He's not avoiding trouble, he's looking for it. He's not in danger; he is the danger.

Taking his sweet time, the alter ego of Stanley Ipkiss pauses to admire a painting . . . and suddenly from behind the painting leaps a zombified version of Quicksilver. The speedster mutant is too fast for even the Mask. Edge City's number one crime fighter falls backwards, his big hat falling off. Before he can even blink, Quicksilver sinks his rotting teeth into his arm.

It looks like the end for Edge City's favourite son, but for some reason it's not. Quicksilver notices that what he's biting into doesn't feel like an arm. It feels gritty and sticky for some reason.

The Mask grins mischievously at Quicksilver and detaches his arm. Sticking out of the end of the "arm" is a fuse that's almost burned down and Quicksilver realizes that he's bitten into a giant stick of dynamite dressed as an arm.

He tries to spit out the arm but—

**BOOM!**

The Mask shields himself with an umbrella as Quicksilver hits him in a dozen pieces. The smouldering head of the speed mutant rolls at the Mask's feet. "I was just passing by—duh . . ." the mutant rambles while his head rolls about.

He doesn't get to clarify what he means because at that moment the Mask crushes his noggin with his giant mallet. "Goodnight, sweet prince with your incestuous love for your sister."

The Mask turns around to see that he's got company. Surrounding him are Crimson Witch (Quicksilver's sister) Jean Grey, Cyclops, Doctor Octopus and Howard the Duck. "Hello!" says the Mask to this threatening ensemble of zombies, threatening if you leave out Howard.

"You'll pay for killing my brother," Scarlet Witch issues in a ghastly, maggot eaten voice.

The Mask just smiles and says to her, "Sorry lady, but the flash is cooler. So who wants to bite my shiny metal ass?"

"Your ass isn't so shiny" says Howard.

The Mask promptly turns into Bender from Futurama and says to Howard, "It's Shinier than yours, shithead."

Not in the mood for Banter, Scarlet Witch fires a blast of magic at the Mask, only for him to block it using one of the _Harry Potter_ books.

Cyclops unleashes his optic beam, but the Mask deflects it with a makeup mirror, causing the beam to hit and destroy Doctor Octopus.

Jean Grey tries to utilize a psychic attack on the Mask but starts to moan in pain and horror. "No, no—he's memorized the entire script to _Batman and Robin_!" Jean Grey lets out a scream and promptly explodes.

Cyclops tries to run and eat the Mask but only gets devoured by the evil wardrobe. The thing belches and self-destructs, blasting Scott all over the walls.

At last it's down to the Mask and Scarlet Witch. The Scarlet Witch starts to glow as she gathers her most powerful spells to her.

In response, the Mask turns into a stereotypical wizard; complete with pointy hat decorated in stars and moons. He brandishes a magic wand and announces, "I shall now recite my most powerful spell."

The Mask solemnly raises his hands and chants, "_K to the I to the A—ZOM-BITCH!"_

Back with the Doctor and his crew, they can feel the vibrations. The Doctor frantically grabs his sonic screwdriver and buzzes it around for a scan. "Alright," he says as the roof shakes, "it's big, it's very angry . . . it's the Hulk."

Speak of the devil, out of nowhere the zombie Hulk explodes out of the roof. "HULK HUNGRY!" the emerald beast roars. The emergence of the huge monster has thrown aside Wolverine and Dante, but the Doctor has a plan.

In a seemingly suicidal move, the Doctor charges in front of the Hulk, waving his arms. "Dante!" he screams, "If you have an ice spell, now is the time to use it!"

In the bell tower, Anakin Skywalker fires a blast of force lightning at Iron man. Iron man waves his arms trying to balance himself as the thruster on his left foot explodes.

Luke Cage charges Anakin, only to be thrown backwards by force power into a thick stone pillar. The pillar cracks in half but Luke Cage just jumps back up and charges again, this time he gets an arm sliced off.

Before Luke Cage can scream about his injury, he is struck by a blast from Ironman's repulsor weapon. Anakin used his lightsabre to deflect the blast from himself and onto Luke Cage, burning a large hole into his chest.

Captain America makes to throw his Shield at Anakin, but Anakin uses the force to slam the edge of the shield into the Captain's head.

Captain America jumps up, the top of his head missing. "Do you see this! I get double rations for this!"

He is cut off as his shield slams into his head seven more times into his head, knocking him into the ground. "Choke on it! Choke on it!" Anakin roars.

The Wasp is about to sneak up behind him but Anakin throws his elbow into his face and slices off her head. "You're too loud," he says disdainfully.

Meanwhile, Batman struggles to avoid Spiderman but he's fighting a losing battle. As trained and fit as he is, Batman is still only human. His leaping and grappling can only get so far ahead of the now zombified wall crawler. Bruce Wayne knows it; Spiderman is toying with him—prolonging the kill.

"Come on," Spiderman says sarcastically, "I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk." The undead Spiderman easily deflects a trio of batarangs.

Spiderman is about to shoot another line of web when a sniper rifle blows his arm off at the elbow. "Oh crap!" he yells, dismayed.

Solid Snake steps out of the shadows. To Batman he calls, "Get down, dipshit!" and pulls out his RPG launcher. Spiderman's eyes widen as the rocket speeds at him. The explosion darkens his world and launches him some distance away. For Snake and Batman it has the added bonus of launching Spiderman in two different directions at once; legs there and body there.

From out of the smoke from the RPG comes Anakin Skywalker like a bat out of hell. With his torn cloak and burns from Ironman's ray weapons he looks a bit like the dark knight.

Snake raises his pistol and knife to try and gun down Anakin but is distracted by the reaching hand of giant man. Solid Snake quickly rolls out of the way from the giant, rotting hand and with is knife slashes through a large tendon. Giant man, being a zombie doesn't even feel the severed tendon in his hand and reaches once more for Solid Snake.

Anakin raises his lightsabre and brings it down to cut off Batman's head, but then the unexpected happens. The blades along Batman's gauntlet light up with purple energy and block the lightsabre strike. Anakin's eyes widen; so Batman has incorporated phrik alloy into his suit. Ingenious but it will not save him.

Not letting up for a second, Anakin continues to slash and thrust at Batman while Batman skilfully parries the strikes with his phrik alloy gauntlet blades.

Anakin thrusts forward with his lightsabre, putting his full force behind it. His strength is so great that it even begins to force Batman back, who isn't exactly a featherweight.

Meanwhile, Giant man is trying to stomp on Solid Snake, but the fabled warrior is every bit as tricky and slippery as his namesake. Everywhere Giant man stomps, Snake is gone from there a second before the foot can land.

The Fifty foot tall zombie roars in hunger and slams his hands down on the floor, creating a giant shockwave. "I'll rip your head off, Snake!" he howls.

_Boom!_

Giant man screams as one of his putrid eyes bursts and oozes pus and congealed fluid everywhere. Snake fired his last sniper round into the former hero's eye. Then with a practiced, instinctive motion, Snake takes his RPG and fires a round into Giant Man's mouth. The explosion is muffled but highly messy. Putrefied brain and skull flies everywhere and Giant man is down for the count. Even if his brain is still working his brainstem is cut in two; nothing short of the power of God will move him again.

Then Spiderman who was hoping to catch Snake off guard, takes a SOCCOM bullet to the head. Peter Parker is dead and may the heavens forgive his sins as a Marvel Zombie.

Back on the roof of the Hotel, Dante furiously hacks at the Hulk with his scythe, only doing superficial damage to the zombie beast. Wolverine hangs on the Hulk's shoulders, furiously stabbing his claws into the Hulk's ears; which does nothing more than infuriate the beast.

The Doctor has the most dangerous role of all; he's actually hanging onto the Hulk's head and trying to gouge out the monster's eyes with two pieces of broken mirror. The Doctor hangs on with his legs and like a monkey dodges the Hulk's crushing hands. "HULK KILL LITTLE MAN!" the beast rumbles loud as cannon fire.

Seeing that the glass isn't working the Doctor curses, "fuck it!" Then he has a brilliant idea. "Dante! Use an ice spell!"

Dante jumps back as the Hulk slams a fist down onto where he was standing a second ago. Then the agile crusader pulls out his cross and launches an ice attack that causes large, sharp icicles to pop up from the ceiling.

The Hulk steps on a trail of their sharp ice shards and impales his foot, but the real damage is done when the ice causes the Hulk to slip and lose his balance.

The giant beast hits the ground like a meteor impact. In no time, the Doctor grabs his sonic screwdriver which fell on the ground. Then turning the device onto full power, he aims it at the Hulk's face.

The Hulk's eyeballs swell in their sockets for a brief moment before bursting like a couple of pustules. The Hulk screams in agony and covers his now gory eye sockets. The sonic screwdriver can't kill, but it can cut through rope and in this case it can affect the non-living tissues of a zombie.

Dante seizes the advantage, switching his scythe into spear mode; he charges forward and rams the three foot blade into the Hulk's mouth. The Hulk gargles in pain and tries to pull out the offending weapon, but the Doctor and Wolverine all grab onto the blade and try to help Dante kill the fucker.

There is a crunch as Death's scythe drives farther into the Hulk's throat and into his brain but the beast isn't dead yet. The Doctor realizes that their strength isn't enough and calls out, "MASK! We need you!"

The Mask appears out of thin air, right behind the trio of fighters. "You called?" he asks with his usual silly demeanour.

The Mask briefly spins like a Tornado and transforms into Sweeney Todd. "How about a shave, Hulk?" he asks in a sinister way.

The Mask lunges with his razors and the screen is temporarily covered in gore. While the screen is gore encrusted we can hear the Hulk scream.

The zombie blood clears the screen and the Sweeney Mask appears again. "Hm, maybe a bit more to the left." He slashes and more gore covers the screen, the Hulk screams louder.

Back in the bell tower, Anakin slices Ironman from crown of his head to crotch and the two halves of the superhero fall to the ground. As he does this, Anakin continues to fend off attacks from Batman and Solid Snake. Evidently Batman had enough foresight to store a cache of ammo in the place in case he ever needed to rely on an ally like Solid Snake.

A sniper shot narrowly misses Anakin, the bullet grazing his cheek and producing a small burn there. It only adds to Anakin's fury; yet he still cannot slay the dark knight

Abruptly, Anakin shoots out his hand and clenches his fist. Snake gasps and grabs his throat as he is force choked. Before Anakin can break Snake's neck, a batarang strikes him upside the head, knocking him down.

The Sith lord drops to the floor. Snake and Batman both run up to their unconscious foe. Snake takes his sniper rifle and points it at Anakin's head.

Batman is about to stop Solid Snake from killing Anakin when suddenly Anakin comes too.

The former Jedi leaps up and strikes Solid Snake across the jaw with a punch that could lay flat a wookie. Then before Batman can leap away, Anakin ignites his lightsabre and slashes Batman across the chest with it.

Bruce Wayne screams and falls . . . the Batman has fallen and he will not rise again.

Snake with lightning speed grabs his pistol and fires several rounds at Anakin. Anakin however merely smiles and blocks the bullets _with the palms of his hands!_

Then with a flick of the wrist, he disarms Snake using the force. Though Snake is outgunned he's not ready to give up. He grabs his combat knife and motions for Anakin to come closer.

Anakin just smirks at Snake and stares at Batman's corpse, smoke rising from his burnt body armour. "You'd do well not to fight me, Solid Snake. You just might serve me well when I am emperor."

Anakin turns around and gazes at the Hotel from one of the bell tower's openings. "If you want to be free of FOXDIE, then I can arrange for the cloners of Kamino to help you."

Finally, the lad turns around and gives Snake a mock salute. "Until we meet again." Then he takes a mighty force leap towards the Hotel.

Snake is about to give chase when he sees that Batman is still moving, but not for much longer. Before he takes one of Batman's grapple lines, he leans in close enough for the Dark Knight to whisper one last secret—Batman knows who is behind all of this zombie madness.

On the roof of the hotel, the Mask, Wolverine, Dante and the Doctor look at the corpse of the Hulk. He was once such a powerful beast, but after these four got to him there isn't really much to look at.

"Well," the Doctor admits, "as much as I'd hate to jinx us all I fear that the worst is yet to come."

"I agree, Doc," Wolverine concedes, "Let's get the hell outta here while the going is good."

"I'll bring nachos," says the Mask.

"Nachos?" Dante is completely confused by his green faced ally. Unfortunately shit hits the fan and one more good man dies that day.

"Chimmi-chunga!" shouts a rotted and zombified voice. Nobody can react before a zombie Deadpool jumps from the shadows and takes a bite out of Logan's neck. The Mask acts fast and shoots Deadpool with a shrink ray.

Wolverine groans with pain and throws down the now mini zombie Deadpool, who is promptly grabbed by the Mask. "I did it!" squeaks Deadpool, "I killed Logan! I'm now the best at whatever the hell it is he does!"

"Good for you, chum," the Mask congratulates before dropping micro zombie Deadpool into a blender. "Oops," he says as he hits the button for instant blend.

The Doctor grabs Logan to keep him from falling, but his wounds aren't healing. The Doctor doesn't need the sonic screwdriver to deal with this. "You're dying; you're going to become a zombie," the Doctor delivers to Wolverine.

"Zombie," Wolverine's usual gruff voice is barely a whisper as the Doctor takes off his jacket to stave off blood loss. "I ain't becoming no flaming zombie, Doc."

"I'm sorry," the Doctor's eyes are full of sadness, "This is beyond even your healing factor." He holds up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Frankly, this is beyond any zombie virus I've ever seen."

Dante perks up and reaches for his cross. "I cannot heal this man but I can see to it that his soul passes into God's light."

"That's a laugh," Wolverine tries to chuckle at the thought of a mean son of a bitch like him going to heaven.

Glowing with white light, Dante takes his cross and puts it to Wolverine's face. The feral mutant's breathing is becoming erratic, like a death rattle. He doesn't have much longer.

"Go in peace, warrior; you are absolved of your sins."

The group is silent. Even the Mask can't say anything funny; he's merely dressed himself up like a mourning East European peasant woman and is crying cartoonishly.

Before their eyes, a white shape rises up from Wolverine's body and vanishes. No sooner has this gone does Wolverine's body start to crumble. Everything comes to pieces, as if the more than hundred and fifty years Logan has been alive is all catching up to him. Nothing is left except for adamantium bones.

At long last, James "Logan" Howlet knows peace.

Wolverine knows nothing more of pain or war; only those who are still alive know suffering yet. As Dumbledore said, pity the living.

Too soon, the light of Dante's holy cross fades into nothing. The light and hope are replaced with despair and darkness. All around the three remaining fighters, the air is thick and poisonous. The smell of zombies is in the air. The Mask weeps like an old woman and throws roses in the air.

Like clockwork, the devil's announcer gives the stats for the latest round.

_"Round Five! Marvel Zombies! Wolverine and Batman are finished! You won't survive the next round—HAHAHAHA!" _

_In the space between spaces, the Dark voice makes a dry comment and its eyes seem to half shut. _

_"At last, the real game begins." _

In the floor below the Doctor and companion's feet, General Grievous is heading to the spaceship hanger built for the Hotel's space fearing guests. The General is in a rather good mood, since that pesky Skywalker and those other goody-two-shoes fuckers are being held up by the armies of Satan. Except for his damaged eye and some owl feathers on his cloak General Grievous couldn't be happier.

The Separatist leader has got a bomb stowed away on his private fighter ship. When he takes off he'll leave the thing and set it to blow. That little bomb ought to be powerful enough to level this hotel and bask the surrounding lands in enough radiation to make Chernobyl seem like a mere trifle.

Grievous knows that he'll have to move fast, because from what he saw earlier a massive wall of vehicles, troops and aircraft were breaking into the maze. The forces of SG1 and allies are almost at the front door of the hotel and it won't take them long to clear the hotel of zombies and capture Grievous. If they get their hands on him they'll execute him as a war criminal—hypocrites!

The General's good mood is interrupted when he catches some movement in the shadows. His thermal vision is useless against the cold bodied zombies so he flashes to another part of the electromagnetic spectrum. In the shadows, a man shaped figure moves behind a partly open door.

The General didn't live this long by being a fool; he immediately grabs his lightsabres and goes into fighting stance.

Something on his scans catches Grievous's eye and he sees a trip wire only millimetres from his foot. Stepping back, he spins around and sees a square box shaped device with one side facing him. Before he can react, the claymore landmine is remotely detonated and Grievous is hit by a blast of shrapnel and concussive force.

The General cries out in shock though he's not at all damaged except for his cape. Before he can attack the setter of the claymore a series of laser blasts whizz past the General; which he dodges due to his great agility.

Defying gravity, Grievous leaps straight up and clings to the ceiling with his feet. Into the hangar bay step a gang of five zombie Judoon. He can hear their harsh language. "**Bloh! Cro! Sho! Bro! Foh! Coh!**"

The Judoon all point their weapons at Grievous. The lead zombie alien takes off his helmet. The alien's one ear twitches spastically; the other is completely rotted off. "General Grievous," the alien says in a deep voice, "under the law 29874 of the Shadow proclamation you are found to be in violation. You will be executed."

"Pitiful scum!" the General snarls, "I am above your petty laws. I will send you back to whatever hell you came from and drink soup from your skulls!"

The Judoon fire at General Grievous but he's too agile for their aim. One of them fires a Judoon cannon at Grievous but he only succeeds in blowing up the ceiling and ruining a bunch of spaceships and aircraft. That Judoon with the cannon is swiftly cut in half and decapitated.

Grievous bounds out of the way before the group can retaliate, but there are more surprises in store for him. From out behind a door explodes a zombie on a motorcycle.

Most men would grieve at the fat of becoming a flesh eating zombie; forever hungering and forever being numb. To James Lynch it's the best thing in the world. He can kill and eat whoever he wants and he never pays fucking taxes.

Lynch powers at General Grievous with a mile wide grin on his rotting face. He's got a new pair of sunglasses and some of his teeth are gold. Two chainsaws are strapped to the front of the motorcycle, designed to cut the heads and limbs off of whoever gets in the way of Lynch's perpetual case of road rage and any kind of rage.

Sparks fly as the chainsaws scrape against General Grievous's hard carapace but Lynch manages to avoid a lightsabre strike, only losing an ear in the process.

Screaming with joy, Lynch screeches his bike into a turn and goes for another pass, this time pulling out his Colt M4A1. Any day above ground is a good fucking day in Lynch's book.

As Grievous dodges and deflects Judoon laser fire with his lightsabres, a hail of bullets interrupts him and he sees a zombie Rambo raining down supressing fire on him with his M-60 machine gun.

The powerful bullets have little effect on Grievous except to make him mad. More shit comes General Grievous's way as a giant blast of fire engulfs him. The source of the stream of fire comes from a team of zombified Spartan III's. The only thing giving them away as zombies is the gore and blood crusted on their chest plates.

The Master Chief would have been able to kill General Grievous, or maybe another Spartan II . . . but the III's are just making him angry.

General Grievous runs out of the stream of fire and he's mad as hell. His rage is white hot; I'm talking about baby raping, woman bashing, puppy eating, gouge out their eyes _anger!_

On fire, with his armour scaling hot, General Grievous takes a flaming fist and drives it right through the head of one of the Spartan III's. The faceplate crumbles like cracker, skull explodes and the back of the helmet is burst open.

Grievous swings around and grabs one Spartan by the head using his prehensile foot. The powerful metal digits crush the zombie Spartan's head like an egg. Decayed brain slides between Grievous's toes.

Grabbing a one man starship, he throws the one ton craft at the Judoon platoon as if it's a rubber ball. The action scatters the Judoon like nine pins and Grievous directs his attention back at the Spartans.

With two lightsabre strikes he slashes a couple of zombie Spartans in twain and stomps on their heads with his talloned feet. The last remaining Spartan III he holds over his head and rips in half, entrails and gore flying everywhere.

This is the General who was the terror of the Republic. Not only is he a master strategist, he's also a merciless killer who has no more honour or integrity than a vulture.

As a point of honour, he leaves none of his enemies alive—it's his only point of honour.

Lynch, seeing the damage that Grievous is doing, scoots off on his motorcycle for easier prey, laughing merrily as he does. It was pretty fucking awesome to see General Grievous waste those fuckers; now Lynch wants to eat some fucking brains!

The hangar bay is bathed in the soft glow of burning napalm and the General stands before breaking out into a coughing fit. Damn that Mace Windu.

The General charges towards his star fighter. It would be foolish of his to stay any longer. Before he climbs into his starship, he does a quick look around and sees that Rambo has also fled.

The General laughs a bit before sitting down in the cockpit of his star fighter. Before he can close the canopy, a blade flies out from the flickering shadows and slices the lightsabre in his hand in half.

Grievous's eyes widen with shock. It isn't half an eye blink later that seven more blades sink themselves into his starship, taking out the nav computer and the hyperdrive unit. General Grievous isn't going anywhere; nobody escapes the Zombie Hotel.

When he sees where the danger is coming from, he's in for a shock. The zombie walking towards him is one of the heavy hitters, not some weak flesh munching drone.

Alexander Anderson walks towards General Grievous with a wide, sadistic grin on his face. It's the expression of a man who knows he can best any man in a fight and doesn't give a damn about anything except winning the next fight no matter how bad it is.

Anderson is a bit worse for the wear since Wolverine killed him; his flesh is rotted and his eyes are pure white. Growing out of his body and the left side of his head are a tangle of writhing, brown, dead thorns. Through his head is stuck Helena's nail, where it goes in through his right temple and comes out the top of his head.

Acting on instinct, Grievous pulls out his special sidearm, the Grievance Striker. He fires the powerful blaster pistol at Anderson's head. The blast bolt strikes Anderson in the head but is deflected off of the nail harmlessly. Anderson just keeps walking. At last his wide smile twists into something very ugly.

From out of his sleeves, Anderson whips out two bayonets and grinds them together in a cross shape, showering himself in sparks. His zombie skin feels nothing.

The good undead Paladin recites a prayer, for it is Christian custom to recite prayer at a funeral; and this Hotel shall certainly be a fine mausoleum for General Grievous.

"_So they sent twelve thousand warriors to Jabesh-gilead with orders to kill everyone there, including women and children. "This is what you are to do," they said. "Completely destroy all the males and every woman who is not a virgin." Among the residents of Jabesh-gilead they found four hundred young virgins who had never slept with a man, and they brought them to the camp at Shiloh in the land of Canaan! AMEN!" _Anderson howls like a demon unleashed.

With a mighty leap, Anderson charges and Grievous, who for the first time in his artificial life looks afraid.

Grievous leaps from out of his ruined spaceship, which out of the corner of his eye he manages to see fall into two pieces.

Growling at the loss of his beloved space fighter, Grievous ignites one of his lightsabres and slices off Anderson's arm with it.

Almost instantly, dead vines with thorns shoot out of the wound and create a brand new arm; they even recreate Anderson's sleeve and glove. Face contorting savagely, Anderson's eyes bulge and he throws a punch at Grievous with his newly regenerated arm. The force of the blow sends Grievous flying across the hangar bay.

Now Grievous is truly frightened. He's like a pirate, ferocious, cunning and merciless to the extreme; but he's only good for situations where he's controlling the terms of combat. This is out of his hands and there is nowhere to run.

Will Anderson kill him?

Anderson slashes at Grievous with his bayonets, but those blades are cut in half with a lightsabre.

Shall Grievous live to fight another day?

Leaping to his starship, Grievous grabs a magnastaff from a hidden panel and uses the weapon's extended reach to augment his lightsabres.

For nothing is more dangerous than a cornered animal.

Sparks fly as the manga staff and the bayonets clash; Grievous and Anderson go face to face, dead milky eyes meeting living yellow eyes.

"I will break you!" bellows Grievous.

Anderson laughs eerily like Alucard, "Tha's the spirit, lassie!"

Back on the top of the hotel, the Doctor and company have reached his TARDIS. The Mask takes one look at the blue box time machine and turns into Luke Skywalker, "What a piece of junk!" he remarks.

The Doctor looks annoyed at the Mask, "Oh you're not going to start that shit, are you?"

Dante gazes at the TARDIs apprehensively, "Be thou a sorcerer, doctor?" If the Doctor is a magician that would explain the strange buzzing wand he carries with him.

As the three men babble and banter, a cardboard box slowly shifts towards them.

"No!" the Doctor yells at the Mask, "We are not stopping at McDonalds before heading to UNIT headquarters!"

In response, the Mask turns into a Donna Noble look alike. "Doctor, you fucking tosser! You're a time traveller! Why the hell wouldn't we have time for a Big Mac or some chicken nuggets?"

The Doctor's eyes widen with rage and his hands start to shake. "Oh no—no, you did not just impersonate Donna!"

Dante is completely lost. He has no idea who Donna Noble is and no clue who this McDonalds and Big Mac are. Maybe they're pagan chieftains the Green one is friends with.

The Mask responds by changing into Martha Jones. "This better Doctor? I'd paint my face black but that wouldn't fly unless this were a Michael Bay film."

The Doctor is slowly starting to lose his cool. "If you keep that up, I shall be forced to make like a Dalek and rain fire down on you." He grits his teeth and spit flies as he forces out the words, "Now _please_, Stanley get it through your head that we are not going to bloody McDonalds."

The Mask then transforms into Rose Tyler, just as the cardboard box is creeping closer and closer.

Dante meanwhile is feeling helpless; a strange feeling for one who kicked the Devil's ass in hand to hand combat. Nothing in his education or experience has prepared him for bickering like the Doctor and the Mask. Out of his eye, Dante catches sight of the cardboard box. He only noticed it because coming from the crusades he's never seen a cardboard box ever.

The Mask and the Doctor are actually coming to blows; the Doctor is thrashing at the Mask like a madman while the Mask is dressed like a Karate master and is delivering kicks to the Doctor's stomach and groin. The two are interrupted from fighting when Dante uses his crossbow to blast a bolt into a cardboard box.

A groan comes from inside the cardboard box and then a thud. Apprehensively, the Doctor gingerly steps up to the box and lifts it up. To his horror, lying dead on the floor with a crossbow bolt through the heart is Solid Snake—DANTE KILLED HIM!

Dante looks guilty but says nothing. In times where the Devil's minion's walk free about the land, a man must have an itchy crossbow finger and a ready sword.

Dante moves to pull out the bolt from the man's heart, but then notices a tremor go through is body.

"Get out of the way!" shouts the Doctor.

"Get out of the way!" shouts the Mask, who turns into British author Michael Rosen to do so.

Not waiting for them to explain, Dante jumps back just as Solid Snake sits up and snaps at where Dante's fingers were a moment ago. Snake's once soulful eyes are now the pure white of zombie eyes. Soon they'll take the blue tint from dust in the air due to non-functioning tear ducts. Snake's one eye is missing from where the Zombie owl wounded him; that empty eye socket is covered up by his bandanna.

Moving with deadly intent, Dante slams his boot into Snake's neck and knocks the once-man back.

Ready for action, the Mask whips out a blunderbuss and aims it at Snake's head, who struggles to get Dante's boot off his neck. Before the Mask can fire, the Doctor stays his hand.

Getting close enough to almost touch, the Doctor gets face to face with zombie Solid Snake. "Snake, can you understand me."

At first, Snake gnashes his teeth and snarls but eventually a spark of intelligence returns to his remaining eye. "Yes, I can hear you."

The Doctor pauses to digest this information and then continues. "How do you feel, Snake? What's happening to you?"

Snake continues to struggle under Dante's foot, a blunderbuss and Death's scythe pointed at his face in case he tries to eat the Doctor. "I feel hunger," he growls out, "It's consuming my every though and I can't fight it for long. The hunger is stronger than anything I've ever felt before."

The Doctor puts his hands on the sides of Snake's now cold, dead head. "Is there anything else? Anything? Tell me, because even the smallest detail could be of the utmost importance."

Snake starts to snarl and thrash but soon he regains himself and stops. "I see eyes, Doctor; red eyes and a dark voice—that's the one in charge. He's the one responsible for this whole thing."

"Who is he?" the Doctor asks in a voice as hard as surgical steel, but Snake only starts to thrash and scream for blood.

The Doctor starts to lose his patience; he squeezes harder on Snake's undead cranium. "I said who is he!"

The Doctor never heard Snake's answer because at that moment, a swarm of razor sharp playing cards cuts through a nearby door and slices the Mask into dozens of pieces.

In tandem with the playing cards, a magic musket ball blows through a wall and zips through the air in several chaotic patterns before blowing off Snake's head.

The Doctor and Dante jump back right as Anakin Skywalker lands in the midst of them with his lightsabre blazing. He looks threateningly at the Doctor and blocks Dante's scythe with his weapon.

"Anakin!" the Doctor yells frantically, "We don't have time to fight you! Join us and we can survive!"

Anakin's eyes narrow, "I won't have to join you, Doctor; I'm going to single handedly send these Hutt slimes back to hell."

On cue, the whole wall of the room blows up and from the dust and smoke comes a sight that is high octane nightmare fuel.

It's a three person formation. In the center of it there is Sarah Kerrigan; the Queen of blades, but she's looking like hell. With her skeletal wings spread out, Sarah looks like a hungry she-demon out of hell. Large sections of her flesh has rotten off and her left cheek has a large gaping hole in it; perfectly revealing her yellowed, slightly chipped teeth. Chunks of fresh meat are still stuck between her molars.

Quite alarmingly, Sarah is holding Alucard on a leash. The ancient and powerful vampire is truly looking like shit; he looks like he got set on fire and then put out with a shovel.

Alucard towers over everyone else like a pillar of shadow, his body dissolving at the waist into a mass of shadow and centipedes. Protruding from that darkness at his crotch is the Dandyman—South American card shark vampire who kills using sharp playing cards. And from just under Alucard's armpit is Rip Van Winkle, the marksman she-vampire with the magic bullets that can kill anything.

Like Sarah, Alucard is also heavily decayed and rotten looking. Worst of all, he's so furious that he's not even smiling. He expected to die when Dante took him down, but instead he was resurrected and brought back as a fucking maggot buffet. "Time for your suppository, fuckers!" Alucard announces with white hot rage coursing through his rotted veins.

Standing next to Sarah is a giant metal box; from inside of which comes howling and screaming, as if there's a tortured wild animal inside there.

The Doctor smiles at the zombie Queen of Blades. "Hey, Sarah! I haven't seen you in ages."

"Hello Doctor," the Queen of Blades coos seductively, "Are you ready to die?'

The Doctor wrings his hands together enthusiastically, "Oh, you don't know how often I contemplate killing myself . . . but not today," the Doctor's eyes take on that hard warrior cast which signals when he's ready to kick ass. "You see, I can't let you harm another person so I'll have to stop you."

The hidden thing in the metal box screams once more and Alucard chooses that moment to sass Kerrigan. "Smack this bitch up, Doctor; she's just begging for it."

In response, Kerrigan yanks on the leather leash and metal collar around Alucard's neck. In truth, these two hate each other with a fiery passion. It's not in a "I hate but respect you," kind of way. No, these two hate each other like cancer and HIV; the Queen Bitch of the Universe and Three Time Winner of the Annual Honourless Cunt Award.

Anakin scowls and clenches the handle of his lightsabre. Of all the people here, he's the least pleased to see Kerrigan in any capacity. He sliced off her head and watched her be blown to bits by a turbo laser; looks like he'll have to barbecue this bitch one more time.

Deactivating his weapon, Anakin walks forward between the two factions of deadly warriors. "I am Anakin Skywalker," he says to the zombies, "Sith Lord and friend to Emperor Palpatine."

The young man continues, "I am offering you the chance to join me; you can either profit by this . . . or be destroyed. It's your choice but I warn you not to underestimate my power."

Sarah laughs at Anakin's little "offer." It's the funniest thing she's heard all day. "Poor boy," she admonishes playfully, "Do you still think you're the big bad wolf?"

Alucard grins viciously at Anakin, bloated black tongue licking his lips.

"Or are you little Red Riding hood?" Kerrigan mocks.

Anakin just looks at Sarah and smiles, "This is the last mistake you'll ever make," he explains calmly.

"So!" the Doctor says with a raised voice, trying to prevent further outbreaks, "Sarah, Alucard, guy in the metal box; is this what you really want?"

"Yes," say both Kerrigan and Alucard.

The Doctor shrugs his shoulders; at least he tried. "Suit yourselves," he says. Then with lightning reflexes, the Doctor whips out an India rubber ball and throws it with all his strength.

Every eye in the room follows the rubber ball as it bounces off surface after surface until at last it clocks Kerrigan right in the mouth. Sarah's head is thrown back by the force of the impact.

Head snapping forward, Kerrigan furiously spits out a tooth. Tentatively, the undead Zerg Queen feels her mouth and finds one of her front teeth is missing. Her eyes narrow dangerously at the Doctor and she tries to make his brain explode but to her surprise the Time Lord doesn't even flinch.

At that moment, the Mask holds up a plastic bag full of the Doctor's Jammie Dodger cookie bombs, "THIS IS NOT METH!" the Mask screams before throwing the bag of cookies down.

While the bag of cookies flies through the air, the Doctor turns around and screams "RUN!" in slow motion, like an action movie. Nobody manages to get a dozen steps before the bag of cookies explodes.

There is a noiseless explosion which totally whites out the screen and nothing else is seen.

Down in the thorn maze, the attackers have nearly broken the siege. There have been losses but they press on still to rescue anyone who may still be alive in that godforsaken hotel.

In a centaur tank with its trademark monster truck wheels, Marcus Fenix pilots the large vehicle while trying to avoid running over any allies. Halfway through the maze, the allied forces began to encounter strange historical zombies rising from the earth who pulled riders from their vehicles and devoured them.

In the back of the tank, the robot Bender frantically fends off a zombie Zande warrior from a weapons port. "Marcus, little help here!" the robot shouts hysterically.

"Shut up, robot," Marcus retorts as he fires a double barrelled shotgun into the face of a zombie samurai who managed to latch onto the side of the tank. "Bye-bye," says Marcus as the zombie Samurai falls from the viewport.

Elsewhere along the line, vehicles have been delayed by a twin assault lead by zombie version of Lawrence of Arabia and Teddy Roosevelt. Gatling gun and Vickers fire rain down on the attackers, destroying several vehicles and aircraft. With a well-placed shot, Lawrence shoots down a TIE fighter with his Enfield rifle.

Some yards away in the deadly thorn maze is a down King Raven Helicopter which Baird and Cole were riding; Marcus's fellow Delta squad mates.

The muscular Augustus "Coal Train" Cole furiously battles zombie version of the Waffen SS, the Vietcong and William Wallace; bludgeoning back his enemies using nothing more than a golf trophy. William Wallace is about to take a bite out of Cole's jugular when the hard base of the golf trophy crushes his skull and gives him true death.

The zombie Nazi fires his machinegun at Cole only to be shot down by a sniper bullet through the head by Dominic Santiago. As he does this, the decaying Vietnamese freedom fighter jumps on Cole's back.

Dom goes to help him but hears Marcus over the TACCOM, "_Dom, what's the sitch?"_

"Not good man," Dom reports while Cole screams to get it off, "Our chopper was shot down; don't worry about us—we'll be fine."

Dom gives a glance over at Baird to see how he's doing. Currently the mechanical genius of Delta squad is being manhandled by a zombie Viking. The zombie Viking is gingerly holding a tube of Vaseline in-between his lips and looks like he's performing a special wrestling move which will allow him to take off Baird's pants.

Dominic has to blink at the horrific sight; he's shocked out of it when he hears Baird scream, "DON'T JUST STAND THERE! HELP ME!"

Baird has a list of fun things he'd like to do before he dies; being raped in the ass by a zombie Viking is not on the top ten.

Everything is suddenly interrupted when the top of the Hotel explodes in the most violent fashion. A huge eruption of silver light and blue lightning decimates the top of the hotel and even manages to cut the building in half. All sides momentarily gaze at this awesome act of destruction before resuming the killing.

The attackers can't let up now, they're so close to the actual hotel; but by the time they get there, there may be no survivors left.

Thunder and lightning tore apart the hotel, simultaneously hollowing it out like a pumpkin and cutting it in half like a cucumber. In a display worthy of _Destroyed in Seconds_, the top half of the hotel falls seemingly in slow motion. When it strikes the ground, it feels like a seven on the Richter scale.

Inside the hotel, the Queen of Blades is blinded by dust and smoke. Desperately she opens her bone wings and starts to fly with her psychic powers; but it was too much to hope that any of these maniacs could be killed in an explosion like this.

The Doctor comes careening out of the smoke and dust and he lands square on Kerrigan's back. The Queen of blades yells in surprise as the Time Lord strikes her like a cannonball. The two of them start to plummet down into the bowels of the hotel. Kerrigan thrashes her arms and wings. She even fires a razor storm at the Doctor but the deadly psionic barbs seem to slide off him like water on a duck's back.

As they fall and tumble down, the Doctor manages to grab hold of her right wing and with his inhuman strength he rips it off.

Shrieking like a banshee with rage, Kerrigan flips the Doctor over and makes to eat his face, but the Doctor head-butts her, knocking the Queen back.

Alucard laughs like a psychopath. He's even scarier now that he's a zombie. As a vampire he longed for death, but as a zombie he's completely given up and shed any of what remained of his old morals and standards. Now he's just an animal, a diseased dog.

The once vampire lord stands on a circular concrete platform which plunges with alarming speed. Standing on the platform with him are Dante and Anakin, who look like they're at least willing to put aside any fighting between them until Alucard is dead.

Behind Alucard, he leaves a trail of his familiars like an oil smoke. Thousands and millions of consumed souls fall out of Alucard's torso, choking the already unbreathable air after the explosion.

Alucard waves his hands like a magician and in front of him, a score of undead, armoured knights and impaling spears rise up. Foaming at the mouth and drooling, Alucard takes his two handguns and crosses them, "Who dies first?"

The Mask meanwhile is like a kid in a candy shop, he's flying through the air and sipping on a colourful drink just as the crazy Alexander Anderson zooms at him like a bullet. Oh, and look at how Kind Anderson is; he's brought along General Grievous's and spine with him.

In response, the Mask turns into a lookalike of Anderson and shouts in response, "I kick arse for the lord!" And in midair the two start to battle with bayonets.

"No!" Anderson retorts, "AH kick arse fer tha lord!" To prove his point, he sinks his teeth into the Mask's shoulder; Stanley Ipkiss has seen his luck run out.

Clenching his shoulder in pain, Stanley tears the Mask off his face. This is the last stand of the Mask; Stanley Ipkiss hits the bottom floor of the hotel and is splattered before he can become a zombie. The physical mask that he wore to turn himself into the mean, green superhero is lost in the rubble. Who will find it is anybody's guess.

Higher up, the Doctor and Sarah Kerrigan begin their midair grapple. They're both tumbling and Sarah can feel the Doctor's hands wrap around her head; his Time Lord telepathy blocking her psionic powers—also blocking her power of flight.

"Let me go, you blazing idiot!" she snarls at him, "Or we'll both die."

Furiously, the Doctor squeezes harder on Sarah's head and snarls back at her, "The party is over! I will never let you win."

Sarah screams in fury as she and her enemy plunge towards the subbasement of the Hotel. At the last minute however, she kicks him off and repels gravity with her powers. The loss of one wing doesn't really stop her.

The Doctor falls in midair. As the floor comes rushing up at him, he has enough time to think of all that he's done in his life; all his mistakes, flaws and petty triumphs. In the end, did he really make the universe a better place? His head says no but his heart says yes . . . and as he hits the floor he feels nothing more.

_Cough, cough_

The Doctor suddenly wakes up feeling like he's dying. The impact hit him hard but he's not human; as a Time Lord he's just going to feel incredible pain for a while. The Doctor struggles to get up but slumps back down on the broken concrete. Maybe it would be better to just lie down and let the spirit of death claim him. It would be like falling asleep.

However nobody can fall asleep when the infamous GIR is in the neighbourhood. "HIYA DOCTOR!" the manic robot screams into the Doctor's ear.

In response the Doctor jumps up screaming and swats GIR off him. The Doctor curses and shouts as he tries to stop the ringing in his ear. Meanwhile, the psychotic robot continues to sing and dance around the Doctor. The Time Lord puts an end to this when he grabs GIR and clamps a hand over his mouth. "Quiet, GIR," the Doctor warns in a hushed voice, "If you don't keep quiet you won't get a cookie."

This immediately shuts up GIR, whose eyes temporarily flash red. Seeing that the little droid has calmed down some, the Doctor hands GIR a cookie which isn't a hidden bomb. The droid noisily munches on the sweet confection but it's a huge improvement over his earlier singing and dancing.

Standing up, the Doctor scans his surroundings with all of his keen Time Lord senses. From what he can tell, he's surrounded by danger; there have to be at least a thousand psychopaths to want him dead or worse—just another day on the job for the Doctor.

Yet, Solid Snake wanted to tell him something and he needs to know what it was. If he can find Snake's remains, then maybe he could discern a clue as to what it was he badly needed to know. The only other thing that the Doctor knows is that Snake saw red eyes.

Red eyes; what could it mean? Shit, the Doctor must have encountered half a billion being with red eyes. That doesn't narrow it down in the least.

Before the Doctor can think further, he hears the sound of a motorcycle and two chainsaws going. He ducks just before Lynch's chainsaw bike can decapitate him. The crazed zombie is laughing wildly; a man like him regards being undead as a gift. He can now kill as many people as he wants and they can't arrest him.

The bike's tires screech as Lynch hits the brakes and spins for another round. As he does, he starts to fire his assault rifle at the Doctor.

A quick burst of the sonic screwdriver causes Lynch's weapon to jam while a second burst of the versatile tool causes Lynch's front tire to stop turning. The result is that Lynch's motorcycle violently flips over and launches its occupant a large distance away.

Getting up as quickly as he can, Lynch pulls out his Desert Eagle and draws a bead on the Doctor. The Doctor briefly looks up and realizes that he's got the upper hand. "Wait!" he calls to Lynch, "Cactuses!"

Lynch normally doesn't care when people call wait but he's never heard someone shout Cactus. Before he can ask what the fuck is going on, the Doctor explains.

"Cactuses are very nice, Lynch; nice like neonatal care units, dentists and the bus driver I'm about to kill."

"Bus driver?" Lynch asks with confusion, "What bus dri—

Lynch is abruptly cut off as the TARDIS lands on his head and crushes him. He never did learn who the bus driver was.

"Loser," the Doctor mutters.

Dante prowls the ruined basement, vision impaired by the thick dust; his sense of hearing keen and his head is on a swivel. He's like a big game hunter in Africa, going into the grass to hunt the lions; no native hunters to help him nor any fellow whites. Dante is all alone with the monsters who would love nothing better to rip his flesh like paper and eat his brains; but Dante has just as little mercy for his foes as they for him.

From off, he heard a crunching but before he can investigate he hears a bestial roar. Narrowing his eyes, Dante cautiously walks forward; his scythe clenched in his hands like an old friend.

As the dust clears, Dante spots a giant metal box which shakes and vibrates due to the terrible prisoner inside.

Suddenly, a cruel curved blade cuts through the metal wall of the box and Dante readies himself. "Come out, minion of Satan!" Dante challenges his new enemy, "I will show you God's mercy!" he cries as the steel of his scythe glints in the dull light.

Dante fought many foes, but he'll be pushed to a new level as zombie Kratos explodes from the box, ready for blood. Kratos responds to Dante's challenge, "Then prepare to meet your doom, crusader!"

And they clash. Dante's scythe strikes the blades of exile with such force that a shockwave is created . . .

Anakin Skywalker slashes and slashes but he never seems to run out of energy. He should be exhausted and dehydrated but the dark side provides him with all he needs to kill his foes.

Alucard stands before Anakin, Kerrigan hovering nearby; observing the progress or lacktherof.

An army of familiars attacks Anakin; an army numbering in the millions. They come from all ages and times; human and vampire it really doesn't matter who they were. All of them are now the slaves of the zombie Alucard.

A massive tentacle of blood swings at Anakin but he leaps over it and bisects it with his lightsabre, the top half of it disintegrating. A squadron of the horse soldiers of Wallachia charge at Anakin with their lances lowered, but a blast of force lightning knocks the riders down like a hail of machinegun fire. The undead horses whinny and the riders fall dead, smoke rising from their eyeballs and ears.

For every one Anakin cuts down, ten take their place; and no matter how many he cuts down Anakin keeps cutting down more.

The deadly magic bullet of Rip van Winkle zips through the air and flies at Anakin, but he uses the force to stop the bullet in midair and with a superhuman display of willpower Anakin sends it back at Rip. The traitorous bullet decapitates Rip and she falls.

The Dandy man throws his lethal deck, but with the power of beast befriend, Anakin takes control of Alucard's hellhound and it eats the card shark while the cards fly off target.

To give himself space, Anakin sends a powerful shockwave out that blasts familiars into pieces; tearing the closest ones to shreds and throwing back others hundreds of feet.

The space he gives himself is only temporary but Anakin calls out in pure rage, "YOU MORONS! NOTHING CAN STOP ME FROM GETTING TO YOU! NOT MEN, NOT ARMOUR—NOTHING!"

Kerrigan grabs the leash around Alucard's decaying neck and gives it a tug. "As much as I enjoy seeing men make complete jackasses of themselves, finish the whelp off."

Alucard merely gives a playful growl, "What's the matter Sarah, don't trust me? Maybe you want to take the boy yourself? It worked the last time."

He cannot defy her, but he won't make it easy on her either. Kerrigan's necrotic eyes just darken, "Do it, now." And she flies off.

Alucard laughs. He's nothing left to live for; he's not a man, a dog or a monster. He's just a joke now, so he might as well take down the arrogant Sith with him. After all, only a man can kill a zombie.

Flexing his hands in stained white gloves, Alucard grabs his Jackal and his sword, "Let's play," he hisses as Anakin uses the force to rip the arms and legs off a Rio swat team.

"HERE'S THE DOCTOR!" GIR screams to the now rapidly decreasing dust clouds.

The Doctor realizes that his cover's been blown. Looks like GIR isn't nearly as friendly as he appears. A quick blast of the sonic screwdriver causes GIR's head to explode, taking one more problem off the Doctor's hands; but he's got a bigger problem on the way.

The Doctor hears a whistling that can only be bayonets flying through the air. Performing several rapid backflips, the Doctor manages to avoid a veritable rain of bayonets which fall down from the sky on him.

A giant wall of thorns sweeps at the Doctor like a tidal wave; the wall of thorns starts to change shape and forms several hungry wolf like heads which snap their mouths in want of Time Lord flesh.

As the thorn dogs charge the Doctor, each one the size of a small elephant his sense of smell catches something. The Doctor smiles—he has a plan.

From out of his pocket he pulls out a second sonic screwdriver, for he always has a spare. Then turning up both devices to full power, he holds the tips together.

The result is explosive, a giant sonic wave is formed which knocks back the thorn dogs and creates a massive cloud of dust which had only just begun to settled; the Doctor doesn't need his eyesight to take down this foe.

Anderson scowls at the dust cloud which as formed; he thought the thorn dogs would devour the Doctor much as the Hellhound devoured Luke Valentine.

When the dust clears, the Doctor is gone and so Anderson retracts the thorn dogs back into his zombie body.

Suddenly the Doctor's voice comes from out of nowhere, "So, Angel dust Anderson!"

Anderson sends a massive pillar of thorns shooting to where he thought the Doctor was. His thorn pillar strikes at nothing.

"Killing Judge Anderson!" calls the Doctor's voice. Anderson's head snaps to the right and he throws a hundred bayonets where he heard the taunt, but again his weapons strike absolutely nothing.

"You're the Vatican's trump card," the Doctor merrily recites, "But who am I?"

Anderson grits his teeth. There should be nothing to fear from this little slip of a man. He's gone and faced the vampire Alucard, the Nazi Werewolf Hans Gunsche and a hundred worse enemies. How deadly can one time traveller be.

Anderson grunts and form his body extend thousands of strands of thorns which would impale any hiding enemy. Anderson screams though as suddenly his thorns burst into flames; while he was alive this would not be a problem but as a zombie his thorns are brittle and dry.

The undead priest finds himself shocked though his faith is still strong.

"I am stronger than your God, I am the oncoming storm," laughs the disembodied voice of the Doctor.

"Ye are an infidel! Doctor, ye are a trickster an' a liar!" Suddenly an idea forms in Anderson's mind; that the Doctor is the devil. It makes sense; the Doctor offers women the forbidden fruit. And once a woman has knowledge then she is lost to the Catholic Church forever. The Doctor led a war against heaven.

Anderson's eyes narrow and he grits his teeth. More than ever, the Doctor must be destroyed for he is the serpent of the Garden of Eden.

Anderson begins to pray.

_Saint Michael the Archangel,_

_defend us in battle._

_Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil._

_May God rebuke him, we humbly pray;_

_and do Thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,_

_by the Divine Power of God,_

_cast into hell Satan and all the evil spirits_

_who roam throughout the world seeking the ruin of souls._

This only makes the Doctor laugh, "Michael cannot protect you from me, I am the light bringer!" the biblical translation for the name Lucifer—light one or light bringer.

Suddenly among the ruined stones and rubble, Anderson spots the Doctor's face. "'Ere I am, J.H." the Doctor taunts.

Anderson swings a single bayonet at the Doctor; hopefully the Time Lord won't be able to survive a foot long blade through the head.

_Shatter!_

Anderson gasps in shock; it was only a mirror. Then the Doctor must be . . .

As Anderson spins around, the Doctor heaves a powerful kick at Anderson's knee which causes his lower leg to rip right off. Anderson doesn't feel the wound but hearing the sound of his bone and flesh ripping sends a bolt of fear through what's left of his soul.

He swings down his blades, but the Doctor catches him by the elbows and uses momentum and Anderson's higher center of gravity to flip the zombie regenerator over his head and onto his back.

Anderson's body hits the ground with a large reverberation; he hears a splash as his foot hits a large pool of water created by a busted pipe. Before he can stand up, a plastic bag full of fluid hits him in the face, bursting as it does.

Anderson puts hand to his face and pulls away a crimson hand.

He has no time for this because the Doctor is standing in front of him, totally unflappable; bowtie as neat as ever. Around the Doctor's wrist is a hankie acting as a bandage; that blood that's all over Anderson belongs to the Doctor. But why cover Anderson in blood?

Anderson frantically stands up and slashes his bayonets against each other in an effort to rebuild the internal fire inside of him.

Surely the Doctor cannot be that hard to kill. He's stronger than a man but certainly not stronger than Father Anderson and he is most certainly not a god or a demon.

As Anderson focus on the Doctor, he fails to spot that something is moving in the water behind him.

Just as Anderson screams out, "AMEN!" Killer Croc jumps up out of the water and chomps down on the back of Anderson's neck. Croc's mind was never that great to begin with; since becoming a zombie little has changed for him. Because of the Doctor's fresh blood, Anderson happened to smell like food to Croc.

Croc's sharp teeth shred through Anderson's spine like Styrofoam. In automatic reflex, Anderson's thorns shoot from his back and dig into Croc's body; ripping the mutated man's body to shreds.

With Croc destroyed, Anderson's neck regenerated with a flash of dead, brown thorns.

Anderson is furious to the point of incoherence; his rage gives him great power but it will also seal his fate.

He could have used his thorns to tear the Doctor to pieces; but in his rage Anderson wants to do this hand to hand. Wordlessly he screams and shrieks at the Doctor. Yet God is not smiling on the Vatican assassin, for at that moment, the Doctor's TARDIS slams down on Anderson and pins him to the ground like a brawler in a bar.

Anderson is stunned by the impact, his body below the shoulders is completely crushed and he cannot get up for the TARDIS exerts great pressure on his body.

Before he can even realize what's going on, the Doctor spears from seemingly nowhere and rips the nail violently from Anderson's head.

Anderson screams violently, but this time in pain. His body begins to crumble. Paladin Anderson is trapped like a rat beneath the blue police box and he's breaking apart. It starts at his fingers and toes but it works its way towards his body.

The Doctor's eyes are old; old and sad. He's almost a thousand years old but time and time again he feels as if he's been forced into the role of executioner. The universe would be a happier place if everything were not dependant on force to make it happen. The Doctor is the last of his race and he's just put an end to a proud man.

That is the hardest part for the Doctor; when he kills his enemies he sees them become the men and women they once were but by then it's too late to change.

His depression is interrupted by Sarah Kerrigan, who swoops out of the sky and grinds her heel into Anderson's remains. "No weeping for trash, Doctor," she mocks "People are useless once they're dead."

Two warriors, a Spartan and a crusader fight each other. Kratos, Ghost of Sparta battles with Dante, the hated crusader who committed every sin under the sun. Their weapons clash and Dante's will is indomitable; yet the great warrior who beat back Satan is being forced back.

Among all the enemies that he faced, none was as strong or as ferocious as Kratos. Now that Kratos is a zombie he's twice as mad. He lashes out with the blades of exile; the flaming slashing and hooking weapons threaten to shred and disembowel Dante.

The Christian in turn counteracts with his lethal Scythe. Its range is able to match the blades and its killing power is comparable. Steel on steel flashes as the Scythe blade turns away the godly weapons given to Kratos by Athena.

Dante cannot believe the fury that Kratos fights with; the man is like a hurricane personified. But Dante knows that he has right and God on his side; he will not fail.

Jumping back from the Spartan, Dante pulls out a suicide fruit from purgatory and slams it into the ground. A large tree erupts from the ground; it's a hideous thing devoid of leaves and with fruit that look like they'd kill you if you so much as licked them.

The suicide fruit stuns Kratos and Dante seizes the advantage; drawing his crossbow, he takes a bead and fires at Kratos.

The ghost of Sparta can only grunt as he takes a crossbow bolt through his left eye and out the back of his head; unfortunately, like the Marvel Zombies Kratos will need more to destroy his brain than that.

Roaring in Fury, Kratos calls upon the bow of Apollo. Dante barely has time to move as flaming arrows of sunlight fire upon him.

Desperately, the crusader tries to use the wide blade of the scythe to shield himself but on arrow grazes his leg. Dante grits his teeth in pain for that mere glancing blow scorched his flesh and hurt a great deal more than full on sword wounds he's taken.

Using his superior strength, Kratos grabs a multi-ton slab of rock and swings to crush Dante with it like a baseball bat.

Dante just barely manages to roll out of the way from the giant stone that surely would have crushed him.

Grabbing Beatrice's cross, he uses the divine path spell. The cross thrusts him forward, leaving a deadly trail of ice spikes in his wake. However Kratos counteracts this with a sweep of his blades, cutting down the icicles that would otherwise impale him.

Dante tries to avoid getting too close to Kratos, since the Spartan's god like strength would be more than enough to crush him. So he points his scythe at Kratos and the weapon stretches out, flying forth with the speed of an arrow. Kratos however is ready to react.

Putting away the blades of exile, Kratos calls forth the claws of Hades. The cruel iron hooks knock aside Dante' scythe and wrap around the handle, immobilizing the weapon.

Before Dante can let go or tear it out of Kratos grasp, the ex-God of War swings wildly, swinging Dante in a wide arc.

The crusader has the breath knocked out of him as he strikes a stone wall and falls to the ground bleeding as Kratos slams him again and again and again.

Dante lies injured heavily; breathing ragged and the scythe lying uselessly next to him. Before he can react, the claws of Hades dig into him. Except these weapons don't just dig into his flesh, they dig into his very soul.

The greatest pain he's ever felt feels Dante as Kratos starts to rip away his soul; but the crusader has some surprises for the ghost of Sparta.

Kratos starts to tear away Dante's soul, but pull as hard as he may the crusader's soul won't budge.

Dante glares at Kratos, sweat pouring down his brow as he holds onto his soul. The Grim reaper tried to claim him and failed; what are the chances that the weapons of a long dead God can do the same?

Two opposing forces; Kratos pulling and Dante holding on. Dante takes the offensive. Grabbing the chains in hands, he grabs his scythe off the ground even as his soul is half pulled out of his body.

With magical swiftness, the scythe transforms from a long spear like weapon into a wrist mounted blade. With that wrist mounted blade, Dante cuts the chains from the hooks and lunches for a counterattack.

Kratos falls backwards, overbalanced; it is then that Dante strikes. The crusader jumps forward, activating his holy shield spell. Instantly, white wings of light sprout from his back and propel him right at Kratos.

Kratos looks up only to take Dante's boot to the face, breaking his nose. Though Kratos cannot feel the pain, the damaging of the nerves serves to further throw him off.

Before Kratos can regain his bearings, Dante drives the scythe blade down Kratos's throat. Black ichor comes pouring out of the wound as Dante twists the blade this way and that; looks like Kratos is getting a taste of his own medicine.

The slayer of Olympus slashes at Dante with the blades of exile but Dante's spell shields him.

Kratos has an ace in the hole. From his belt, he draws the mighty blade of Olympus. The powerful God killing sword goes through Dante's protective spell even as it repairs his injuries and fills him with new strength.

With a great swipe, Kratos chops Dante across the midsection. The Christian vomits, throwing up his lunch as he sees his intestines spill from the slash Kratos gave him in the midsection. The merely glance with the blade of Olympus can disembowel a mortal; blessed or no.

Kratos instantly seizes on Dante's wounded state and pounces like a wild cat. Grabbing his enemy by the throat, Kratos stabs Dante in the chest a few dozen times. The crusader can barely make a sound; his eyes are full of tears from the pain but his expression is still hard. Even dying he won't lose his dignity to a filthy animal like Kratos.

Then succumbing to zombie hunger, Kratos lunges for Dante's throat. Dante attempts to slash at Kratos with the retracted Scythe but Kratos merely bites down on Dante's arm.

The crusader cries out in pain; he spits blood in Kratos's face and swears mightily at him—the kind of swears that would leave Bronson and Revy blushing red as roses.

Suddenly, some invisible force shocks Kratos; the blade of Olympus jumps from his hand with a _ping_! It's as if the blade were hit by an invisible stone or sonic wave.

Kratos looks to the side only to take the Doctor's loafer to the temple; knocking down the formidable fighter and causing him to drop Dante.

Kratos throws a punch at the Doctor, only for the Doctor to dodge the blow and toss Kratos to the ground using a Venusian Aikido move.

The Doctor then reaches down onto the ground and throws a handful of dust into Kratos's remaining eye; causing Kratos to bellow loudly and claw at his damaged eye.

The Doctor is a peaceful man; but his geeky exterior hides a fighter who uses any manner of treachery to win. He hasn't won against Daleks, cybermen and other manner of threats over the years by being a pushover. He just dresses like a pushover to take his enemies off guard.

Unfortunately he has no time to fight Kratos because Kerrigan is swooping at him like a bird of prey; her bone wings spear the ground where the Doctor's groin was a second ago.

As the Doctor flees, Kerrigan laughs at his apparent cowardice. "What's the matter, Time Lord?" she laughs as she uses her powers to fling a massive boulder at the Doctor. Though her psionic attacks cannot harm the Doctor directly, a boulder can still crush him.

"Too kind and gentle to beat me?" Kerrigan taunts again. Using her powers once more, this time she picks up thousands of little stone particles and flings them at the Doctor like a giant buckshot blast.

Moving far beyond the human range, the Doctor jumps into the large pool of water that croc burst from. The barrage of small stones and fragments strikes the water and soon enough, Kerrigan is rewarded by a mass of blood turning the water red. Scraps of cloth and flesh rise to the surface

Kerrigan smirks and goes off to see if Alucard has finally finished off that insolent force user.

Anakin and Alucard are going at it like cats and dogs. Anakin slashes out with his lightsabre, trying again and again to stab or slash Alucard in the brain. Meanwhile, Alucard opens fire with his tommy gun; the bullets narrowly miss Anakin, some of them putting burning marks on his flanks and arms. The pain however only fuels Anakin and drives him further and faster.

With each miss, Alucard taunts Anakin. "Come on, pretty boy! I'm here! Let's go!" He cackles maniacally as Anakin silently lunges and dodges.

Around them, Alucard's familiars give their master some room while trying to lunge for Anakin; the hapless familiars are cut to shreds before they can even scratch Anakin.

The Sith manages to get a lucky strike. He slices Alucard's arm off. As a zombie, Alucard cannot regenerate as he once did, but he's far from helpless in the face of such an injury.

Snatching out a random familiar form the crowd, Alucard rips an arm off and attaches it to the stump he's now wielding. The new limb works just fine and Alucard laughs. His sanity is even further gone than it was before his rise as a zombie; he's totally hopeless and he just wants to kill everything.

Kerrigan spots this endless dance and realizes that Alucard isn't making any headway, so she has two of her minions do something.

Up on the destroyed first floor of the hotel, the zombie Mythbusters load a cannon with powder. Only instead of a cannonball they use Invader Zim's head. "FOOLS! You do not treat ZIM this way!" The Irken gives a shout of distress as zombie Adam shoves his head into the barrel of the cannon and zombie Jamie rams him in with the ramrod.

The two zombies turn to the camera. "Don't try what you're about to see at home," says Jamie, whose brain is visible through a hole in his skull.

"We're what you call, the undead," says Adam, whose beard is stained with gore.

Down in the pit, Anakin slices Alucard's head in half. In response, Alucard gives a gory half grin and resumes his attack, now having replaced both arms but not lost his machinegun. The inside of his skull is totally empty; his brain is nowhere to be seen.

Anakin narrows his eyes; Alucard is no longer dependant on his heart. As a zombie, the only way to kill him is to destroy his brain; but where is he keeping his brain?

Up higher, the Mythbuster take aim with their cannon and pull the firing cord. The cannon gives a thunderous boom and Zim's head is launches out screaming.

The fire of burning gunpowder stripped all the skin off of Zim's head so he's just a skull with a working mouth. His tongue is bitten in half and hangs out; what's left of his eyes are full of terror as Zim finally realizes that he's fucked.

Alucard has thrown aside his tommy gun and is now merely avoiding all of Anakin's attacks, blocking force lightning with his shadows and using his considerable black magic to avoid crushing force attacks. He laughs and taunts Anakin while familiars grab for the fallen Jedi.

Alucard has lost more of his body, which he's replaced with the body parts of his familiars. His head is now a Frankenstein jigsaw puzzle with a nose, eyes and ears which were all taken from different sources but look roughly like his own features; At least that bitch Kerrigan isn't here to hold his leash.

Anakin allows the force to guide him; his lightsabre seems to move of its own accord. He cuts open Alucard's belly, spilling out the zombie's putrid innards.

Alucard looks down in shock as from out of his stomach rolls a glass jar with something inside—Alucard's brain!

Before Anakin can destroy Alucard's brain, Invader Zim's head sails through the air and the Irken's zipper like teeth rip a chunk out of Anakin's torso, tearing through ribs and causing a lung to collapse.

Still screaming, Zim's head keeps on flying where it hits a wall and splatters like a ripe tomato.

Alucard instantly seizes on Anakin's momentary distraction and pounces. Grabbing a giant halberd from one of his familiars, Alucard swings and hacks off Anakin's legs off at the knee. The young man screams and falls to the ground bleeding. With a flourish, Alucard takes the halberd and drives it through Anakin's crotch—better to deprive the bastard of his dignity too.

Anakin screams like an animal dying on the slaughterhouse block, but Alucard just twists the blade of the halberd in the wound. The Sith lord's agony is a great source of personal amusement for Alucard; and besides, he never really liked the Sith anyway—pretentious posers who cut down Jedi padawans to inflate their reputations.

As Alucard's familiars start to devour Anakin from the knees up, Anakin still weakly slashes with his lightsabre.

Once his brain is eaten, Anakin will become one of Alucard's zombie familiars. A piss poor end for the chosen one.

Still, Alucard has a bit of mercy. Pulling out a jerry can from some recess or another, Alucard starts to pour gasoline over Anakin as the familiars start to eat his organic arm.

The smell of gasoline is sweet to Alucard, and he grins all the wider when he tosses a burning match onto Anakin and lights him on fire.

Anakin screams as flame engulfs what's left of his body. The crackling of roasting flesh is heard and it's music to Alucard's ears.

With his drying breath, Anakin screams, "I HATE YOU ALL! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!"

Alucard merely smirks at this and goes to pick up his brain-in-a-jar.

Yet all does not go according to plan when a voice form above screams out, "JERONIMO!"

Before Alucard can grab his brain, a flying blue box drops out of the wild above and a being hanging off the side grabs the brain.

Kerrigan's eyes bulge as she sees the face of an enemy she thought dead, "THE DOCTOR!" furious at this lapse, she cries out to her Mythbuster henchmen, "KILL HIM!"

The Mythbusters are quick to obey their mistress and abandon their cannon for a civil war era Gatling gun. In no time, Jamie and Adam are busily emptying the forty round magazine at the flying TARDIS.

The Doctor hangs out the front door of the time machine with Alucard's brain cradled in the crook of his arm. His hair is flying in the wind and one eye is suffering from eight ball trauma; the white sclera is stained white form ruptured blood vessels.

Indeed, all over his body the Doctor is wounded; he should be nothing more than an aching mass of muscle and alien organs. Yet the Doctor, mysterious unnamed traveler has never felt more alive than now. There are no hostages and he's taking no prisoners; it's just him and the bad guys with no innocents to get in the way.

A hail of bullets hit the side of the TARDIS; a pitiful attack on a machine that is strong enough to break the pull of a black hole's gravity well.

Up on a ledge, the zombie Punisher fires his assault rifle at the Doctor. Frank is mad, consumed by hunger. The guilty must be punished; punishment is to be eaten.

With a zap of the sonic screwdriver, all of Frank's guns become so much trash—paperweights.

Grabbing his combat knife and a grenade, Frank jumps off the vantage point he's on and falls towards the TARDIS.

The undead Punisher grabs onto the side of the TARDIS but he finds that the Doctor is a lot tougher than he looks.

Clapping Frank's knife blade between two hands, the Doctor stops the point of the dagger inches from his face. With a twist of his hands, he snaps off the blade.

Frank throws a punch at the Doctor, but the Time Lord evades the blow as easily as if Frank were stone drunk.

With a swipe of his hand, the Punisher knocks the remote control for the TARDIS out of the Doctor's hand. The craft veers wildly and zombie and alien are thrown inside the time Machine.

The Punisher charges at the Doctor, but his special forces training is not enough to take down the wily alien.

The Doctor merely tosses Frank backwards and gives him a punch in the face.

Getting up from the blow, Frank seethes at the Doctor; lips bitten off, his ghoulish teeth are exposed.

The Doctor merely smiles and opens his hand; out fall a bunch of grenade pins fall out.

The Punisher's glazed eyes look down and sees that all his grenades are live; six of them in total. In horror, he looks up at the Doctor, who grins in a way that could scare the bad wolf.

Frank tries to take the Doctor down with him, but the Time Lord won't permit him that luxury. With a kick to the side of the head to stun him, The Doctor grabs the punisher and throws him into the TARDIS swimming pool.

The Doctor casually walks away as a giant column of water shoots up from the pool, mixed in with thousands of zombie body parts.

Kratos grunts and tries to do something about his vision. In the back of his head, the Dark voice nudges him; telling him not to rub his remaining eye.

To his great surprise, somebody taps Kratos on the shoulder. He swings around with the blade of Olympus but there is nothing there. He hears a sound and swings in the direction of it—again, nothing!

The Ghost of Sparta frantically swings his blade around, but there is nobody around him!

Kratos grits his teeth . . . someone is fucking with him. Before he knows it, a cold pile of fresh intestines hits him in the face. Instantly, the smell of uninfected meat makes his mouth Water and against his better judgement Kratos eats the intestines like too long sausages.

As he does, a Scythe blade impales the Greek warrior, causing him to drop his tasty treat.

Swinging his weapon sideways, Dante slams Kratos into a stone wall; forcing him to drop the blade of Olympus.

As the blade retracts form his body, Kratos draws the blades of exile and impales Dante through the hart—except this does nothing.

Dante has become a zombie, and his first act is to get revenge on the man who murdered him. He's still a killer of evil and damned things, but now he is one of the damned.

With a mighty sweep of his scythe, he cuts off Kratos arms and for the first time in living memory, Kratos is feeling pretty helpless.

On the ground, each of his severed arms twitch and spasm once or twice before falling still.

Still, Spartans never give up and Kratos is no exception. He tries to kick Dante, but the Christina sidesteps the blow and hacks off Kratos's leg with the Scythe.

Kratos nearly falls over but at that moment, Dante switches his Scythe into spear mode and charges at Kratos like a lancer without a horse.

The heavy blade goes through Kratos and pins him to a wall like a bug on a needle.

In no time, Dante's gauntleted fist slams into Kratos's face, followed by another and another and another. Fists are coming down onto Kratos's face like strikes from a jackhammer. Under the furious barrage, Kratos's face is destroyed; his nose is pulped and his remaining eye falls right out of its socket.

Dante's arms move so fast that they blur from the speed. Then with a howl of fury, he grabs Kratos's head in both hands and presses together. The Spartan warrior spits, bites and curses but it's all for naught.

Death couldn't beat Dante, so neither will a lousy zombie Spartan.

There's a crack like a walnut being busted open as Dante crushes Kratos's head in-between his bare hands. Skull fragments and brains fly everywhere. The Ghost of Sparta has met his match and his end.

Dante has no time to savour his victory as at that moment, a guided missile strikes him and blows him in half.

Before Dante knows it, he's surrounded by the zombified Mandalorians who are now Alucard's familiars. He devoured the armoured warriors at the start of the match.

Dante reaches not for his scythe but for his cross and he recites a prayer as the Mandalorians open fire on him, totally burning his brain and blasting his body to pieces.

The dark voice won't like this but he can always bring Dante back, just like he brought back all the others.

Alucard looks upon Dante's smouldering wreck with a rueful look. He wishes he could still be absolved, but the force that will not let him rest will not let Dante rest.

Suddenly, Alucard gasps in shock. He turns around and sees the TARDIS has landed and the Doctor steps out with Alucard's brain. The time travelling alien pulls out his sonic screwdriver and lets his thumb rest on the button.

In that moment, Alucard's stolen eyes bulge out like a cartoon character. It should be a man to defeat him! The Doctor is no man—he's just another monster!

"Goodbye," says the Doctor as he jams the sonic screwdriver to its highest pitch. Before anyone can do anything, the jar and the brain shatter into atoms.

It's like someone pulled the plug on Alucard. His eyelids droop and his limbs go limp . . . and then he and all his familiars crumble into dust.

Alucard has fallen.

Kerrigan grits her teeth. If only she'd been allowed to bring a few zerg with her, nothing big, just a couple of hydralisks would have done just fine—then she could have prevailed. Of course, she is no longer in charge of the Zerg Horde; her _master_ now controls the swarm, just as he designed it.

Even so, she had the most powerful allies and they fell. Shit, she managed to bend the blood thirsty Alucard to her will; not an easy feat for any person.

The Doctor catches sight of her and holds out his arms as if to say, "_I'm here, kill me!_" And she'll happily do it.

She is about to bring down this whole hotel; even a Time Lord can't survive being crushed by thousands of tons of concrete and steel. She may die with him, but she knows that she's already dead; she never got anywhere in life by caring more about her life than her opponents cared about theirs.

She holds out her hands like the conductor of an orchestra. The hotel, already structurally damaged is starting to come down, more rubble and debris falling. Up on their ledge, the Mythbusters leap to avoid a falling I-beam which destroys their Gatling gun.

This however only causes the Doctor to smile and he fires his screwdriver over his shoulder.

The activity of the device causes a strange contraption to light up. It's some sort of improvised machine, made form a fluorescent light, an incandescent lamp and the last bits of the Doctor's hand mirror. Whatever it is, it glows brightly, fires a light into Kerrigan's left eye and goes dark.

Kerrigan winces and puts a hand to her eye, the vision completely gone from that eye. What the hell was that machine the Doctor built?

Shaking her head, the Queen of the Zerg raises her arms once more, determined to kill the Doctor and feast on his brain . . . and nothing happens.

Kerrigan focuses harder, but like an athlete with a spinal injury nothing at all happens. For the first time, the confidence of the queen bitch of the universe wavers just a little bit.

She focuses herself to focus; she clenches her hands and flaps her remaining wing but still nothing happens.

For the first time in years, Kerrigan is afraid. "What did you do?" her voice comes out as a faint, hard whisper; like the steel of a razor, sharp but brittle.

"Having trouble, Sarah?" The Doctor calls from over by his time machine. "Finding yourself unable to access your highly impressive psionic abilities?"

Kerrigan's teeth bare and she can feel a pit in her stomach like a pound of hot lead. "What did you do!" she screams like a woman violated.

The Doctor casually strolls, keeping his distance away from the zombie zerg Queen. Even like this she can still kill him with her bare hands. "Improvised laser," he responds with British nonchalance, "Did you know I failed the entrance exam at the academy when I was a boy?"

Kerrigan can hardly believe this. Like many others, she made the mistake of thinking that with the Doctor, nice equals weak.

"Yes," he says, "I got in on the second time with just barely a pass. I think I failed because I spent too much time building improvised lasers."

A laser? Is that was that machine was?

"I love lasers, lasers are cool," the man admits, fiddling with his sonic device, "This wasn't a very good laser but it did manage to do its job."

The Doctor turns and faces Kerrigan. Normally geeky looking and somewhat cute, the Doctor looks frightening now, with his numerous wounds and eight ball eye injury. He taps his injured eye for emphasis. "A concentrated laser beam, invisible and unseen; it went through your cornea and into your brain, slicing off a piece from the rest."

Kerrigan starts to shake her head. No, it can't be.

"My little laser tool sliced off the part of your brain responsible for psionic," the Doctor concludes. "If you were an ordinary human you would be dead and if you were not a zombie you would just regenerate—but as things stand you're looking at the permanent loss of your psionic abilities." He finishes it off with a cheeky smile.

The Queen of Blades can't believe this. Could any being be so cruel; to cut the legs out from under another being and instead of finishing them off simply leave them to spend their remaining days as a helpless cripple. For that is what Kerrigan is now, just a cripple; thanks to the Dark Voice and this—_this thing!_ This shit eater who calls himself the Doctor.

HA! What a joke. Doctors heal people, make them better. This man is like a Nazi doctor; he's spread around so much pain that it's impossible to meter. He's the most evil being in the universe and he dresses like your friend. Behind that cute smile hides a madman with the power of space and time at his control. He should be dead! He must be stopped!

The Doctor is shaken out of his triumph by the sound of gunfire. Instantly he drops to the ground.

The Doctor looks up in horror as Kerrigan is being blown to bits by a concentrated hail of gunfire. The sight of her jerking around like a puppet with half its strings cut sours any taste of victory in his mouth.

The Doctor knows that what he did was despicable and he enjoyed it. He's horrified at what he's done. In a moment, regret threatens to overwhelm him even as brass cases fall all over the floor.

Every time he breaks someone, they all look at him with puppy dog eyes and nearly always, their last words are "NO!"

But the Daleks, the Doctor's most hated enemies; they never ask why he hates them. They know and they don't care. They hate and fear the Doctor but at least the two enemies have an understanding.

The Doctor looks as Kerrigan's corpse falls to the ground, head totally blown to bits. It's for the best, if you're an optimistic person; she wouldn't have wanted to live under a cripple and it was killing her to serve another after being the Queen of her dominion for so long.

From out of the ruins come Tyler Durden, Rambo and the zombie Pope. All of them with the exception of Durden look pissed off and are just waiting for the word from their leader to attack.

Durden looks upon Kerrigan's corpse with a species of sorrow on his face. "Shame," he remarks, "even with the tentacle hair and alien freakiness I'd still tap that." He looks up and smirks at the Doctor, "She reminded me a lot of myself, actually."

"I believe that," the Doctor replies uneasily as he picks himself up. True the heavy hitters are dead but he's more afraid now than ever because he knows the end is so close.

Tyler looks up at the Doctor, though the fire in even his soul has burnt low by servitude to the mysterious force behind all of this. "Hey Doc," he asks, "Give me a warrior's death."

The Doctor nods, "I think that can be accomplished."

Durden hefts his fire axe as the Pope pulls out a morning star and Rambo readies his machinegun. "This isn't fun," Tyler admits, "I'm ruled by hunger and I'm being skull fucked by maggots."

The Doctor nods and feels up his sonic screwdriver like a gunfighter caressing his weapon. "Right," the Doctor breathes, "Let's have it."

Then with a mighty flourish, the Doctor takes off his jacket rips off his shirt Groundskeeper Willy style. He keeps the bowtie though.

In an instant, the Doctor is bare chested and ready for battle. He's really got an amazing body; for such a geekily dressed guy he has the physique of a Chippendales Dancer; though the dancers don't have as many wounds as the Doctor.

It's a good thing that Amy Pond never saw him shirtless, otherwise she would have dumped Rory for sure . . . then poor Rory would have been forced to sleep with Jack Harkness.

The attack begins! A zap from the sonic screwdriver renders Rambo's guns inoperable and the Doctor is left to take down three psychopaths with melee weapons using only a sonic screwdriver.

The Pope charges first with his morning star; the spiked iron ball flies straight for the Doctor's head. The Doctor dodges but it's close, he can feel the wind of the passing weapon.

Then a quick kick form the Doctor catches the Pope in the teeth and knocks him back. Rambo and Durden press the attack.

Rambo flies at the Doctor with the point of his combat knife ready for a heart shot, but the Doctor grabs his enemy by the twist and twists him into a position of submission. In a single fluid motion, the Doctor wraps Rambo in a chokehold and uses a pressure point strike to knock the knife from his zombie fingers.

Sensing rather than seeing Durden's axe, the Doctor manoeuvres Rambo to use as a meat shield. The axe hits Rambo just below the neck but the spinal column is intact.

Rambo stomps on the Doctor's foot and breaks out of his grasp and Durden pulls his axe free for another strike. He goes at the Doctor like a predator; no mercy and no hesitation.

The Doctor pushes back, with a chop of his hand he snaps the handle of Durden's axe and throws an elbow into his face, knocking the founder of Fight Club back.

At the same time, the Pope charges again, this time with a broad sword. The Doctor sidesteps the heavy blade; the edge of the weapon passes so close that it actually makes a small cut in the Doctor's belt.

Grabbing the blade between two fingers, he holds it fast. The Pope tries to yank the sword out of the Doctor's grip but the Doctor punches the Pope three times in the face before taking the broadsword from him. The weapon feels good in his hands—it reminds him of all the sword fights he had with the Master.

Rambo is on the ground and is about to bite the Doctor's ankle but the Doctor grabs the sword by the blade and swings the cruciform hilt at his head; punching a rather large hold in Rambo's skull. His tough and durable Time Lord skin makes such a move possible without metal gloves.

Durden charges behind the Doctor, ready to bite through his neck and chew his head off, but the Doctor is seven steps ahead of any of them.

The Doctor jumps sideways and does a backflip which puts him right behind Durden.

Holding nothing back, the time traveller kicks Durden as hard as he can in the lower back. There is a wet crunch as the Doctor's foot punches through the bone and rotten meat like a man stepping onto a pumpkin.

Tyler starts to fall but the Doctor isn't done with him yet. Keeping his foot in place, he takes both hands and grabs Tyler by the head. Then with all his might, he pulls.

There is a delay and a mighty tearing noise as the Doctor literally rips Tyler Durden into half. He throws down the top half of Durden and stomps on his head, utterly crushing it and killing Tyler. A warrior's death he has been granted.

As a man he was more than a man; almost a god but as a zombie he was merely a dog and he saw no reason to lead such an existence.

Like an athlete scoring a goal, the Doctor has no time to admire his work. He ducks as Rambo swings the Pope's sword at the Doctor's head.

In a Matrix like move, the Doctor bends over backwards until his hair is touching the floor. Then in a move reminiscent of drunken boxing and certain Brazilian dance fighting styles, he shoots out one foot and boots Rambo ten feet back, throwing him onto his ass.

The Doctor rights himself like a spring, moving with the suppleness of an elastic band as the Pope fires an arrow at him out of his longbow.

The hideous Pope Benedict aka Joseph Ratzinger snarls in a way that's reminiscent of Emperor Palpatine. He quickly notches another arrow as Rambo goes to attack with the broadsword; the wound in his brain not slowing him down in the least.

The Doctor looks at Rambo with a pissed off expression; he's like a school master that's had it with his pupils and is ready to move beyond corporal punishment.

Reaching into his pants pocket, the Doctor grabs a hankie and wraps it around his hand as Rambo charges. A second arrow from the Pope misses thanks to the Doctor's super evolved nervous system.

As Rambo makes to thrust with the broadsword, the Doctor steps into it, narrowly misses being impaled and punches right through Rambo's head in a spray of ichor and gore. The body of one of our favourite action heroes goes down like a house of cards.

As Rambo falls, the Doctor pauses to adjust his bowtie. The Pope looks like he's ready to let another arrow fly but the Doctor looks over his shoulder.

The Pope barely catches it as a ceiling fan falls on his head, slicing the top half of his body into gooey mush. That ceiling fan was on its last legs, the Doctor just had to manoeuvre these two under it and one of them would fall for it.

But as the realization that the battle has ended sinks in, the Doctor falls to his knees, like a heroin addict coming down from a high and crashing.

The Doctor feels cold. His keen nose can smell it; there were no survivors in the hotel. All became zombies or were eaten. He's the last one left alive; he's always the last one alive. He's not a survivor, he's just unlucky.

Slowly, ignoring how badly he wants to sleep, the Doctor slowly reaches for his jacket and pulls out a small piece of torn paper form it. Before he blew up half the hotel, the Doctor took a small slip of paper that Solid Snake had clipped to his belt.

Snake knew that he was infected and so wrote down what he had to say in case he died.

As the Doctor reads what's written on the small piece of paper, the mystery unfolds. His eyes widen with unreadable emotion; like a silent movie actor, you can only know the intensity of what he feels—not exactly what it is.

The Doctor picks himself up, forcing his old legs to move

The Doctor doesn't get far before he hears the sound of his TARDIS jumping off. "No!" he shouts, "No, no, no, NO!" He can't do a thing before his beloved time machine leaves without him.

The Doctor breathes heavily and runs his hands through his hair; for the first time in living memory he's actually panicking. He doesn't know what to do!

Then the TARDIS explodes. It cannot be seen or sensed by humans but the Doctor can feel it and it's like someone cut out one of his hearts and served it to him deep fried. That time machine was more than a time machine; it was a living being who was his oldest companion. It alone has been constant with him on nearly a thousand years of adventuring, swashbuckling and tragedy. It's like the death of a child but a thousand times worse.

Then the Doctor does something that he hasn't done in a long time, he gets angry. He can hear the sound of rescuers—too little too late—and he runs and runs. Suddenly none of it matters; all that he needs is to address the dark voice.

The Doctor runs through the ruins and reaches a stairwell which leads down to a deeper subbasement in the hotel. Down he goes; his breath slowly turns to mist as the temperature falls.

In the semi-darkness the Doctor has stumbled onto a meat locker. It is then that the demonic announcer makes its final triumphant announcement.

_Round Six! Redemption Match! _

_Everyone died except the Doctor! _

The voice practically sings with glee.

_Congratulations Doctor, you are now the Deadliest Warrior! MUA-HAHAHAH!_

The announcer laughs and laughs; it keeps on laughing for it knows that the Doctor hasn't won anything; if anything he's lost more than anyone else. The announcer's mocking laughter in his ears prompts the Doctor to move faster through the meat locker, past the carcasses of cows and pigs finally into a room lit by a single red light.

The red lit room is empty, save for an out of place ornate mirror. Counter intuitively, the room is warm, almost boilingly so.

The Doctor steps into the room slowly, clenching his sonic screwdriver with a white knuckle grip.

He swallows the lump in his throat. Now of all times he is hesitant; he never hesitated or flinched before. It's because the Doctor is afraid. He knows who he's going to confront and for once he doesn't want to.

Then the Doctor thinks of all his companions who shared time and space with him; he remembers all the men and women who died this night to satiate the twisted plans of a madman. This is a new enemy the Doctor faces, unlike any he's ever faced before.

Reluctantly, the Doctor takes the edges of the mirror's frame in both hands; briefly he can spot a pair of eyes looking at him but they vanish.

Putting on a stiff upper lip, the Doctor pushes down the feelings of fear that run through his blood like mercury poisoning and threaten to drive him mad. His twin hearts pound in his chest and he swelters in the head. His bowtie suddenly feels too tight; he can't breathe.

Then the Doctor takes it all head on like ripping off a band aid. With a single motion, he slams his head into the mirror.

"Ow," says the Doctor as cracks form slowly along the mirror's surface; it's like watching an ice flow break apart. It's rather slow but deceptively fast.

The mirror shatters and through it is a doorway to a place of darkness. Still nervous, the Doctor steps through into the land of nightmares and shadow.

From the looks of it, the Doctor is standing inside of an underground cavern. Ahead of him is a structure; carved from the stone of the cave walls is a church of all things—an Anglican one no less.

The church is a run down, crumbling edifice which gives off waves of madness. Only the Doctor is stupid enough to walk towards this house of hell and enter the open door.

Inside the church, all is dark and decayed. Only a single candle lights the whole place. Near the pulpit, a large pool of bubbling mud sits like some living thing; a ceremonial bowl where the faithful are anointed.

In the pulpit itself are a pair of red eyes which look into the Time Lord's very soul. _"Welcome Doctor,_" says the eerie, inhuman voice, "_you have done as I predicted_."

The Doctor merely stares straight into the red eyes, refusing to look away or flinch. The voice continues.

"_You have served as a fine executioner, I thank you for it. Now, if you had any respect you would kill yourself now, Time Lord_," the derision is barely disguised in the voice.

"Sorry to disappoint you," says the Doctor, "I really don't have any respect for anything."

There is a pause as the voice measures its words, "_Take care Doctor, your end will come by my hand or yours; be thankful that you are presented with a choice_."

"Then you're just going to have to kill me," says the Doctor, holding his hands wide in a "come and get me" gesture.

When nothing happens, the Doctor mocks the voice, "What the matter? Are you going back on your word, Tony Jay?"

The eyes narrow for a moment, as if it did not expect its identity to become known, then the voice merely laughs and the owner steps into the light of the lone candle.

It is an elderly human man in a brown suit with hawk like features; certainly not what one would expect from one who manipulated Sarah Kerrigan and plotted this battle royale of zombies.

The Doctor still can't believe that all this is the work of a deceased English voice actor whose baritone voice made for great cartoon villains; but the proof is right before them.

"Astute deductions, Time Lord," Tony Jay mocks with his deep, almost sensual voice. "I shall have to be more tidy in the future; not that you can stop me."

"If you have any sense, Tony," the Doctor warns, "you'll give up your plans and never stop running."

"Or else you will destroy me, Doctor," Tony laughs, "I exist in places you cannot possibly find."

Acting on impulse, the Doctor pulls out Anakin's lightsabre, which had fallen near the spot where his TARDIS vanished forever. Igniting the weapon, he goes to thrust at the voice actor.

Tony Jay however, catches the lightsabre blade in his hands like it's nothing and throws the Doctor across the room. "You are most amusing Doctor," he chuckles mirthlessly, "but the day and the wheel of time are mine."

"I am victorious, Doctor; I am older than your species and I will achieve my grand design."

The Doctor groans and props himself up from where he slammed into an old and decaying pew. "Oh really, then kill me now and be done with it." He grins ruefully and wipes blood from the corner of his mouth.

Tony Jay says nothing, the smile for once leaving his face. "Another time, perhaps; now I must leave you be."

The dark being waves his hand and the Doctor feels sleep pulling him down. Fight it as he may, he cannot resist; but before lapsing off to a dreamless sleep he hears Tony Jay's melodic voice, "Sleep well, little Theet; your song is almost over."

* * *

The Three hosts appear before the camera. "Well, it's official," Geoff beams with pride, "Doctor Who is the deadliest warrior."

The three hosts crowd around the touch table. Max begins to work the contraption, pulling up images of each of the fighters, from Bronson to Anakin Skywalker. The resident computer expert pulls up images of Bronson and Revy.

"Revy and Bronson were some of the first characters to die in the simulation."

Geoff carries on with the explanation, "Both of these fighters were blood thirty and had very little in the way of self-preservation instinct."

"The problem lay," Armand explains, "In the fact that neither of them is very bright. Like a zombie, they are immune to pain and fear but they're dumb; those are great traits for a foot soldier but foot soldiers are usually only effective in numbers."

Red X's appear over Bronson and Revy and Max pulls up images of the Mandalorians and Jem'Hadar.

"Mandalorians," says Geoff, "They had the edge in armour and training. The Jem'Hadar are relentless and ruthless but while their tactics are brilliant they lack originality; the founders bred them to fight, not to think."

"As well," Max adds, "It was a big deal that the Jem'Hadar don't wear helmets and they also can't fly." Red X's also appear over the Jem'Hadar picture while the Mandalorian picture gets a big green check mark. "That's why the Mandalorians made it all the way to the redemption round before being killed."

Those two warriors go into the background only to be replaced by pictures of Christopher Hitchens and Snake Plissken. "Take these two guys," Max explains, "These guys were tough as nails, tenacious and smart. Even though he had a single shot, black powder Japanese gun, Hitchens's superior tactics, ninja stealth and witty remarks got him alongside warriors who were using modern firearms; and you can't discount his deadly Hitch Slap."

Geoff points to the picture of Plissken, "In the simulation we did take into account that he's missing an eye; because every little bit has an impact. Plissken was a great shot, very close to Solid Snake but both of these guys died in the range where ordinary humans can't stay around for very long."

"In short, the heat became too much for them," says Armand, "One thing that counted against Hitchens is that even though he can kill forty men with his bare hands, he's still a smoker and heavy drinker and it doesn't take much for tobacco use to shrink your lung capacity; making it harder to get oxygen for all those critical things."

Two red X's cross over Hitchens and Plissken and they are put away; next up comes Solid Snake.

Geoff takes this one. "Snake was able to come ahead of that other snake largely because he's proven himself in the past against giant robots and humans who border on the superhuman. Also what helped was his mastery of stealth. When you can dictate the terms of the battle, that's half of the fight right there."

"Again," says Armand, "his heavy smoking and the accelerate ageing worked against Snake. He'd have twice the lung capacity if he didn't smoke; which is partly why his brother Liquid was in so much better physical health."

Snake gets the red X and then a picture of Batman comes up. "In our simulator Snake lived longer than Batman but he got infected early on so that counts against him," Armand explains

"It's very interesting because Batman and Snake are very much alike; both are peak physical strength for humans, both are geniuses at a variety of things and both overwhelm inhumanly powerful enemies multiple times using strategy and stealth."

"Because of this," Geoff finishes off, "Batman and Snake came equal in this match. Batman scored major points with his armoured suit and highly versatile arsenal which even though less than lethal, could still be used to destroy some powerful enemies."

"But Batman's major weakness," Max continues, "Is his paranoia; he's got a dozen plans for every eventuality and a dozen backup plans for his backup plans. The problem is that Batman has a martyr complex; he needs to take the risk himself, even when that risk is too much to manage. As a result, he had a way of alienating his allies and reducing his chances of survival."

These two get X's and then comes a picture of Wolverine. "My personal favourite," says Geoff with a grin. "Wolverine is at first an ideal candidate. He's got decades of battlefield experience and he has a fabulous healing factor."

"The Bren machinegun was a major force, despite its tendency to jam," Max adds to Geoff's fanboy adoration.

"True," Geoff continues, "among other things, his indestructible skeleton and claws were a huge boon. When you've got a weapon you know won't break or dull, that gives you a huge confidence boost when you use it."

"And the reason he died . . ." Geoff can't complete the sentence; his inner fan boy is breaking down.

Armand takes over, "Wolverine died because we saw him die in Marvel Zombies; his need to get up close and personal is one of his disadvantages; especially against enemies like Sabretooth who are tougher than he is and the Marvel zombies who are walking bio bombs that even his healing factor can't cope with."

Wolverine gets an X and then pops General Grievous.

"Grievous is like a German King Tiger tank," Geoff poses the analogy. "He's heavily armoured, has massive skills and weapons that are some of the most powerful available; unfortunately he's a fucking coward."

"True," Max says disdainfully, "General Grievous is highly aggressive and cruel when he has the advantage but he only attacks when he has the advantage, sometimes sacrificing his whole army to save his own skin. Compare that to Warriors like Crazy Horse, the Ghurkhas and George Washington, who were forced to fight vastly superior enemies with better training and logistics."

Armand adds on, "More importantly, if he gets damaged he has no way to repair himself outside of finding a specialized medical station meant specifically for him."

Both Geoff and Max give Grievous a thumbs down with the red X. Then pops up an image of the Mask

"If Solid Snake and Batman get points for stealth and Wolverine gets points for ferocity then the Mask is the King of Chaos."

The camera plays back footage of the Mask taking out scores of zombies with the most unconventional methods. "The Mask is an innovator," Max explains, "he adapts to each new situation before him and comes up with a plan of attack; if that plan fails he improvises another one on the spot."

"His cartoon nature naturally equips the Mask with nearly every tool he'll need to survive," Geoff explains, "one of his weaknesses is that while he can improvise with the world's best improv artists experts he had a tendency to forget past lessons. The Mask is overwhelmingly powerful but he met his match in redemption round."

The Mask gets a red X and then the experts pull up footage of Anakin and Dante. "Both of these guys are human, but at the same time they are so much more."

Geoff zooms in on Anakin, "Anakin's rage gives him enormous power and combine the dark side with the lightsabre and you've got a killing machine on par with some armies. He's a brilliant commander who's in top physical shape and with an enormous skillset. The only thing is that while his rage gives him enormous power it can also destroy him; causing him to make mistakes that he might not make if he was still with the light side."

Anakin gets an X and they focus on Dante. "As a crusader coming from a noble family, Dante is well educated and trained from boyhood in the military arts. One major thing coming for him was that he killed death; that speaks for itself," Geoff iterates.

Armand pipes up, "Dante's magic cross and scythe gave him huge edges in terms of how versatile his weapons were and he also had a great talent for using the terrain to his advantage. The only problem with him is that he always charges headfirst at something with very little variation; although his ranged attacks set this off somewhat."

Dante gets an X and finally they pull up to the Doctor's photo.

"And here he is," says Geoff, "the official Deadliest Warrior."

Armand turns directly to the camera, "The Doctor was strong and fast but he wasn't the top in either category; the category he did take top in was intelligence. He is by far the most cerebral of the fighters we have."

Geoff holds up a copy of Sun Tzu's _The Art of War_. "If you used this book as a guide, the Doctor would get checkmarks for every last point in this book. The Doctor is the ideal warrior because he's the one who can win without ever fighting his enemy."

He puts down the book, "Hannibal won every single fight he had against the Romans but he didn't win the war."

Max takes a seat at his swivel chair and puts his hands behind his head. "The Doctor knows himself perfectly and he knows his enemies perfectly; his deductive abilities allow him to gather significant data about a foe in a very short time; it's like Sherlock Holmes on brain steroids."

Armand holds up a sonic screwdriver, "The sonic screwdriver was a big help in that it could disable nearly every weapon in all the other fighter's arsenals."

Before the camera appears the fourth Doctor, this time wearing his floppy fedora and looking like he's about to leave. He grins widely, "Well this is rather splendid. I always did have a rather high opinion of myself but now it seems to have been justified."

From out of a paper bag, the Doctor pulls out a jelly baby and nibbles on it. "Why did I win? Well I suppose it is because I can charm the Terminator, befuddle a Dalek and unlike Batman I don't hesitate to take allies with me into battle if they are capable of handling themselves."

Armand concedes to the Doctor, "That's very true, your ability to make others work with each other factored in greatly; especially with the Mask who just drives everyone crazy."

The Doctor bows, "Not at all my dear fellow, now if you will excuse me I need to leave; the Brigadier's car is on fire."

He quickly skips over to the TARDIS and in a flash he's gone to another time and place.

With the season completed, Geoff starts to turn off the lights and pack everything up. Before they leave, Max asks Geoff, "Hey, whatever happened to Mack?"

Geoff turns to face his buddy even as Robert Daly mindlessly types on his keyboard. "Mack? He got locked up in a nuthouse; hopefully he'll stay there." Then in a more regretful voice he says to Max, "Hey, sorry for bringing in a deranged psycho who wanted to kill you."

Max smiles and pats his buddy on the shoulder, "That's alright, we all make mistakes; just don't do it a second time."

_Meanwhile_

Mack is currently sitting in a cell in Arkham Asylum wearing a strait jacket. At present he's sitting next to the Joker and singing _If I were a Rich Man_.

Mack's voice is slightly off key but he actually sings alright.

_If I were a rich man,_

_Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum._

_All day long I'd biddy biddy bum._

_If I were a wealthy man._

A moment later the Joker interrupts Mack, "Do you wanna know how I got these scars?"

In reply, Mack head-butts the Joker with his bald head and keeps singing. The Joker just laughs as his nose bleeds; he laughs at Mack's lack of sanity.

_wouldn't have to work hard._

_Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum._

_If I were a biddy biddy rich,_

_Yidle-diddle-didle-didle man_

Announcer: _And that concludes this season of Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior. Tune in next time as Umbrella's criminal mastermind Albert Wesker goes up against expert monster hunter Gabriel Van Helsing. _

_Until then, read and review and be happy :D_

* * *

On a side note, Theet was the Doctor's nickname when he was a kid. I sincerely hope you enjoyed this match and that you're not too mad as to who won.  
Also, Tony Jay is one of my favourite voice actors so I couldn't resist putting him in here because he's the least likely person to be the dark voice. That line about "places you can't possibly find," is a reference to the legacy of Kane games, where Tony Jay voiced the Elder God.  
I'm the Master of the Boot and I wish you well :D


	18. Van Helsing vs Wesker

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior: Van Helsing vs. Albert Wesker

Disclaimer: I do not own Van Helsing or anything of Resident Evil nor do I own deadliest warrior. This is a work of fanfiction online and I make no revenue from it. If you try to sue I will set Heisenberg on you.

* * *

Announcer: _Gabriel Van Helsing_

A man appears before the camera in black leather coat, large hat and the lower half of his face is obscured by his turtleneck. In his hands he has two large revolvers that he points at the camera.

_The church's greatest defender against demons and monsters takes on perhaps the greatest monster of them all_

A man appears before the camera in black business attire with blonde hair. He stands in a dark room and as the lightning flashes, his eyes glow blood red behind his dark sunglasses.

Announcer: _Albert Wesker, great criminal mastermind and new head of the Umbrella Corporation. _

Wesker is shown battling Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine; thanks to genetic engineering Wesker moves at speeds faster than the human eye.

The screen starts to show various shots of warriors from history and fiction. Dramatic shots show experts wielding melee weapons, firing guns and demolishing dummies. Also a few shots are shown where the hosts screw up and blow up half the studio.

Announcer: _To find out, the history of war and modern science collide, as computer expert Max Geiger feeds combat data into his state of the art battle simulator_

Max appears before a computer panel, "I've built this computer system myself; we're pushing the envelope with regards to accuracy and science. This is as close as we'll ever get without these guys actually fighting."

_. _

_Biomedical engineer, Geoff Desmoulins, applies twenty-first century technology to unlock new data on arsenals of the past_

"If it shoots, we'll know about it," Geoff announces proudly while standing over a giant crate of shock patches. "If I stabs, maims or wounds we'll know about it."

_._

_And ER physician, Armand Dorian, dissects the trauma, and reveals the physical and psychological traits that shaped these legends of war._

Armand appears before the camera with his surgical gloves. "When you're looking at a couple of fighters, it's essential to know what they can do without their weapons. In Van Helsing's case he's the pinnacle of human fitness while Wesker is superhuman in his powers."

_This ground-breaking data, will be paired with historical research, and entered into an all-new digital combat engine._

The camera shows footage of Wesker and Van Helsing battling each other. As Wesker throws off his glasses, Van Helsing pulls out two handheld power saws.

_Two legendary combatants will be resurrected, history will be rewritten, but only one will be crowned. . ._

Wesker pulls a gun on Van Helsing just as the other man reaches for his coat pocket.

_**Deadliest Warrior!**_

Van Helsing Stats:

Name-Gabriel Van Helsing (?)

Age-unknown

Nationality-unknown

Weapons-double action revolvers, handheld buzz saws, automatic crossbow, sunlight bomb.

Additional equipment-grappling gun, hat

Albert Wesker Stats'

Name-Albert Artemis Wesker

Age-39

Nationality-American

Weapons-Beretta 92F custom "Samurai Edge", custom Steel Eagle 107c, M79 Grenade Launcher, Heckler and Koch SL8 prototype Sniper Rifle

Additional equipment-oroborous virus, sunglasses

Announcer: _These two warriors, separated by over a century but alike in their single minded drive to achieve their goals will clash like never before. To help us decide who is deadliest, a variety of external experts have been gathered specially. _

Before the camera appears a timid looking monk whose voice sounds suspiciously like the narrator.

"Hello," the monk nods with a nervous energy, "I'm Carl and I worked with Van Helsing as part of the order. I work to design most of his weapons that Van Helsing uses."

The Monk flashes what he thinks is a winning smile and winks awkwardly.

The camera flashes over to a woman with a sword chopping away at a practice dummy and delivering martial arts kicks to the throat.

Announcer: _Anna Valerius, last of her line and Romanian Royalty fought alongside Van Helsing in the battle to defeat Dracula and is one of the few people who can match Van Helsing in terms of sheer bravado. _

The woman Anna turns to the camera and sheathes her sword. "I don't know who this Wesker is, but a little blondie like him should stay at home and do the cooking and cleaning."

The woman's face is set into a firm frown and it's very obvious that she has balls of steel. "I know that Van Helsing will win this match because he's almost as tough as me."

Announcer: _But the Umbrella Corporation brings in some of the organization's heavy hitters to represent their most notorious member. _

An ancient old man appears wearing a suit and leaning back in a wheelchair. Despite his decrepit appearance, the old man's eyes are alert and shine coldly.

_As the founder of the Umbrella Corporation, Ozwell E. Spencer is the man who was behind the original Wesker project that created everyone's favourite video game villain. _

Spencer speaks; his voice is strained but his thoughts are lucid and quite malicious. "Wesker is the end result of a project begun many years ago under the wing of researcher Alex Wesker and myself."

The old man pauses for a deep breath and continues, "through use of the progenitor virus, the Wesker children were given superior mental and physical abilities; these abilities were then elevated to nearly god like stature with the introduction of the mystery virus developed by researcher William Birkin."

The old man stops once more for a hacking fit then composes himself, "Of all the Wesker children, only Albert survived and in this fight Albert will once more be the only survivor."

Announcer: _Joining Spencer is another of Umbrella's three founders, Dr. James Marcus. _

Alarmingly, Marcus appears about forty years younger than his actual age and looks to be wearing an outfit made from a potato sack—or something like that.

Though his voice is young, the age, wisdom and malice of his voice is quite apparent. "I was one of the founding pillars of Umbrella," he begins, "Spencer provided the capital while I provided the knowledge."

"After the events of _Resident Evil 0_, the Umbrella corporation was fatally wounded and only Wesker was able to survive . . . for a while at least."

Marcus smirks coldly and crosses his arms. "I myself trained Wesker in the ways of biology and science and I know what he's capable of. This fool Van Helsing doesn't stand a chance."

Quite suddenly, Marcus begins to vomit leaches all over the floor.

At their table full of sensors and weapons the hosts recoil as the leeches swarm towards them. Max begins to shriek like a little girl as one of the leaches gets on his shoe.

Armand frantically screams, "Somebody get some salt!"

Geoff however saves the day when he pulls out a couple of plastic juice bottle and dumps the contents all over the leaches. Instantly, the little T-virus infected monsters start to shriek and smoke as if they've been dumped in acid.

Satisfied that the leeches are dead, Geoff exhales and looks at the bottles he's holding. "Hey Armand, what is this stuff?"

Instantly, Armand grabs the bottle from Geoff and reads it for him. "This is DOX Cardio water. This is my own brand of commercially available health drink made from reservatol and polyphenol."

Max just looks at the bottles of health drink. "That stuff killed those leaches. Is that safe to drink?"

Armand is offended that they'd doubt his product. "This stuff has vital antioxidants that the human body needs; a single bottle has as many tannins and antioxidants as four hundred glasses of wine."

Geoff however dismisses his friend's product, "Yeah, just give that stuff to Robert or something, we've got work to do."

The camera then shifts to video game designer Robert Daly, who is totally oblivious to the score of leaches swarming all over his body and drinking his blood. Thousands of years from now, archaeologists will probably find Robert buried under hundreds of tons of rock, still typing on his damn laptop.

Announcer: _Each of the warriors brings different elements to the table, but who is the superior combatant?_

Max appears before the touch table, a deft flick of his fingers activates the cool machine and a _Deadliest Warrior _logo appears on it. "I'm giving my edge to Wesker on this match. Unlike Van Helsing he's more than human and he has a significant technological advantage. It's like you have two knights, but one has plate armour and one has chain mail."

Max crosses his arms, "Wesker is the guy with the plate armour."

Armand appears, throwing the bottle of DOX into the recycling box. "I agree with Max about Wesker being more than human but Van Helsing's weapons are far from primitive. The order which he belongs to had some of the most innovative geniuses in the world working for it."

The turns around and grabs his medical gloves, "Ancient does not mean primitive."

Geoff appears before his customary weapons rack. "I'm sorry but I disagree with Max. Wesker is good but Van Helsing has decades of experience hunting monsters, vampires, werewolves and assorted human killers. After killing Dracula Wesker should be nothing special."

Announcer: _To get the ball rolling we start off with Van Helsing's double action revolvers. _

Suddenly, Brother Carl appears before the camera with Van Helsing's pistols. Carl is trying to look cool but his shaking hands are failing miserably at the task.

Putting down one of the guns, Carl takes the other gun reverently and holds it up to the camera.

"I designed these guns myself," the monk remarks nervously but proudly, "they fire a .367 magnum cartridge though the adjustable cylinder can be remeasured to chamber a smaller round."

He holds up the ornate, black revolver sideways, "Along the handle here are various symbols of protection against evil." True to his word, the cross, the star of David and various other religious symbols protect the handle; ensuring that no demon or monster can use Van Helsing's guns against him.

As the camera zooms in on the finally crafted gun, Carl points to the part where the handle meets the cylinder and upper body of the gun. "Just along here the top assembly of the gun is mounted on a spring loaded mechanism; similar to an automatic pistols' slide assembly."

The camera zooms out and Carl explains the need for this feature. "The purpose of this is to reduce recoil from the heavy rounds and it highly effective at recoil reduction compared to other revolvers and larger calibre automatic pistols."

Marcus however is scornful of this weapons design. "That gun is needlessly complex, and Wesker's weapon holds twice as many bullets."

Carl is undaunted by the mutant Umbrella founder, "Well that's probably why Van Helsing carries two of them."

Announcer: _To test the practicality of Van Helsing's revolvers on the battlefield, an obstacle course has been set up with cover and moving targets. _

Three sets of targets have been set up. The first two are hidden behind a wall of sandbags and constantly pop up and down. Behind that two targets peek back and forth from behind a cinder block wall. Finally there are three stationary targets behind a barb wire fence.

Geoff explains the rules to Van Helsing's experts. "Okay, Carl, you will run twenty yards out and shoot the first set of targets. After those targets are gone you can then hide behind the first set of cover and take out the second targets. Once the second set of targets are done you can take out the third set. You will be timed."

Instantly, Carl seems confused and daunted. "He never said we would have to run. I thought we were just going to shoot at some paper."

Grumbling in Romanian, Anna curses and grabs the pistols and ammo from Carl.

Anna gets into position on the grass, kneeling down with a gun in each hand. Before she begins, she pops each gun with a speed loader. Unlike most revolvers, Van Helsing's guns hold seven shots each; though it's uncertain at this point whether that'll make for a winning edge.

Back at the testing table, Geoff and company stand with the Umbrella experts and Carl on the side.

Carl attempts to make small talk with Marcus. "So, what's your story?" the monk asks politely.

"I was murdered and brought back to life by an infected leach," Marcus replies casually.

Carl shuts up.

Then at long last, Geoff gives the countdown. "Anna, you fire in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . _Du-te!_"

Immediately, Anna raises her gun and fires off the first round. Smoke flies from the barrel and a thunderous boom rings out with the first shot. The moving targets peer mischievously out from behind cover.

Anna however won't take no for an answer; like a drunken prom date she's persistent.

_Bang!_

_Bang!_

_Bang! _

The first three shots she fires miss. Anna shoots with the right gun first, holding the left at her side.

_Bang!_

Fake blood flies as one dummy takes a large calibre magnum bullet to the throat. Before it can duck back behind cover again Anna shoots off another one and gets the dummy in the head.

Raising the left gun, Anna fires off three shots in rapid succession and gets one shot in the shoulder and two in the chest area.

Realizing that now is her chance; Anna springs to the first cover and knocks down the now still dummies with a pistol but to the head of each.

Leaning her gun on the sandbags, Anna takes careful aim at the next pair of targets who pop up like puppets at a show.

Firing her right gun twice, her first two shots miss while the third strikes a dummy in the jaw. Switching to the left gun, Anna fires twice at the other target; two bullets hit dead on, one both of them in the center of the chest.

Two more gunshots strike the second dummy in the head; the perfect double tap. Take that, _Zombie Land_!

Sprinting again, Anna runs at the third and final set of dummies. As she runs, old man Spencer watches Anna's ass with a set of binoculars; the dirty old man licks his lips as the sexy young Romanian woman sprints.

Leaping over the final sandbag barrier, Anna goes in guns blazing unleashing the last of her ammo into the two dummies, firing shots strategically into the hearts and brains of the dummies.

Technically she was supposed to shoot from afar but she doesn't look like she cares. When her ammo for the pistols runs out, Anna pulls out her sword and chops off the heads of both the dummies and shouts out a war cry in her native language that could scare the drill Sargent from _Fullmetal Jacket_.

With the test completed, the hosts walk forward to examine the damage. Spencer rolls along in his wheelchair, Brother Carl volunteering to push him along since Spencer doesn't trust Marcus.

Armand examines the first pair of dummies which are lying on the ground. His gloved hand points to the entry wound. "What kind of ammo do these guns use, Carl?" the surgeon asks.

Carl replies proudly to the question, "Van Helsing's custom made handguns use a .44 magnum round designed not by Elmer Keith as legend would have it, but by yours truly."

Marcus however has to burst Carl's bubble, "Elmer Keith invented the .357 magnum, idiot."

The monk blushes and mumbles something but can't come up with a proper retort. "Anyway, the gun uses hand loaded .44 magnum cartridges because much of the ammunition for taking down human targets just won't pass muster with an angry vampire or werewolf or gargoyle, who are built very sturdy."

With a kick of her boot, Anna flips over the two fallen dummies to reveal massive, massive exit wounds on the back. "It's a miracle that this gun didn't blow these dummies apart," she scoffs. She then turns a cold eye to Marcus, "Can you Umbrella superman survive a hit from these?"

"If you can hit him," Spencer retorts for his companion.

"At any rate," assess Armand, "both these guys are dead from a bullet to the head and two on the other guy to the center of the chest. Both dead as the wicked witch."

The gang then goes on to examine the second set of dummies. Armand points at the dummy which took a bullet to the throat. "With a round like the .44 magnum, this is more or less a functional decapitation. It's not just a heavy round, it's very high velocity; especially with the long barrels on Van Helsing's weapons that allow for greater muzzle velocity. As for the other guy, torso shots are same thing."

"Our weapon uses a hollow pointed bullet. The target's organs will be blasted into a bloody pulp," Anna announces.

Marcus smiles patronizingly at her, "Sounds dangerous; no, I really mean it."

The hot tempered Anna looks like she's going to punch Marcus square in the face, but reconsiders when the Umbrella founder in the potato sack belches out a leech that lands on Spencer. Immediately the old man starts to freak out and his wheelchair flips backwards.

As Carl and Max go to help him up, the show cuts to commercial.

_Across the screen the Ultimate Fighter Logo appears like a grand monument to combat and fighting. _

_**Commercial announcer: **__Tune in next week to Spike TV's Ultimate fighter as two fictional middleweights go head to head. _

_Two fighters appear on the screen, a fairly hard looking man with light blonde hair and blue eyes and an older man with piercing eyes, aquiline features and black hair with grey highlights. _

_**Commercial announcer: **__Watch as famous immortal Ra's Al Ghul defends his championship belt from Highlander immortal Connor McLeod. _

_Flashing across the screen are images Ra's Al Ghul KO-ing Revolver Ocelot and Connor McLeod smashing a steel chair over Shao Khan's head. _

_**Commercial Announcer: **__See it exclusively on Spike!_

Announcer: _And now we return to our regular programming. _

The group have rescued Spencer from the leach and now have gathered around the last pair of dummies.

"I want extra points for cutting of their heads."

Geoff tries to protest, "Uh sorry Anna, this is strictly a firearm test and we can't—

He's instantly cut off as Anna presses the edge of her sword to Geoff's throat. Seeing how his options are rather limited, Geoff decides to give the crazy woman what she wants.

Geoff gives a pained smile and waves his hand, indicating that Armand should keep doing his medical spiel while Max tries to talk some sense to Anna.

"Well," the Doctor concludes, "both targets are dead from head and heart shots. There wasn't a single survivor."

"That was alright," Spencer drawls lazily, "but we have a more modern and more accurate weapon with less recoil."

Announcer: _Coming up! Team Wesker fights back with a custom made pistol that delivers death with a two inch grouping. _

The camera suddenly features Wesker shooting the camera with his gun _James Bond _style.

In the same desert area for firearms testing Marcus stands with a bright shiny semi-automatic pistol. He's holding the weapon up like the hero on the cover of _Heavy Metal Magazine_.

Max stands back with his fellow hosts and like the nerd he is, totally idolizes the weapon. "Oh, shiny," Max coos like a baby.

Anna and Carl stand aside. Anna is thoroughly unimpressed while Carl is chatting with Armand over a bottle of DOX Cardio water. "Are you sure this isn't deadly?" the monk asks, unsure if the drink that Armand is selling is safe.

Spencer however launches into a little explanation of the gun. "During the winter of nineteen ninety-six, the Raccoon City Police Department commissioned the construction of a weapon for a handgun of the highest quality for the newly made STARS unit."

In response to Spencer's story, Marcus takes the gun and holds it up at various angles, like a gun salesman trying to show off all the sweet lines of his product. Max watches the gun with wide googly eyes.

"This gun is chambered for the nine millimetre luger cartridge and has a magazine capacity of fifteen rounds," Spencer continues his lecture, "It produces a two inch grouping at twenty-five yards with no variation over three thousand rounds and is ambidextrous and weighs thirty ounces unloaded."

Suddenly, Marcus takes the handgun and aims it at Spencer. The old man suddenly freezes like a deer in headlights. There is a long, awkward pause as Marcus pulls the trigger with the gun aimed at Spencer's head. The weapon is unloaded so nothing happens except a click.

Geoff sheepishly holds up a magazine of ammo and announces, "Uh, ammo's here, Marcus."

Marcus just smirks coldly and gives a bit more info on Wesker's gun, "Wesker has the most heavily modified of the Samurai Edge guns. It has a lower frame and the frame is replaced with stainless steel parts." He pulls back the slide to better appreciate the gun before letting it snap back into place. "Adding to the weapon's accessories are an inverted accessory rail on the underside of the gun and a skeleton hammer."

"In short," he surmises, "Our weapon has your weapon beat."

"We'll see about that!" Carl shakes a pallid fist at Marcus.

Soon it is time for testing to commence and the course of dummies has been set up. Everything is the same except that the last three dummies behind the barbed wire are dressed up as Carl, Anna and Van Helsing.

Geoff gives the signal, "Marcus, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . KICK SOME ASS!"

Marcus may be a former scientist but he wields the gun the way that Crocodile Dundee uses a knife. _Bang! Bang!_ The gun goes off and the shots miss. Marcus fires the gun two more times and is rewarded by getting a two inch grouping on the heads of one of the dummies with two shots between the eyes.

_Bang! _Marcus's next shot misses the dummy but only by a small distance. Firing two more shots, one grazes the skull of the dummy while a third gets it in the eye

The first set of targets have been eternally silenced; Marcus is ready to move. He sprints towards the second set of targets. Unfortunately he's not wearing any underwear under that potato sack. As he runs, the wind lifts the damn thing up and exposes his ass while he runs.

Geoff, Max and Armand all try to cover their eyes or look away. Carl mutters a prayer while Anna seems genuinely unaffected. Spencer is as blind as a bat due to his age and he starts to ask the three hosts what's wrong.

Marcus ducks for cover behind the first set of sandbags and mercifully the potato sack drops down and covers him up again. Shooting up, Marcus fires two shots that strike one dummy near the top of the skull.

He fires and just grazes the next dummy but a little patience and a keen eye puts two bullets into the dummy's heart.

Aiming the sights at the next target, Marcus slows down his breathing. He knows that he's being timed but he'd rather get an accurate shot. His patience is rewarded when a dummy takes a bullet right to the nose.

Marcus runs more and this time his exposed ass is pixelated as he runs.

Despite his pauses, Marcus is still taking less total time with his shooting than Anna did.

With the last three targets, Marcus stops as if he has all the time in the world.

_Bang! _Right in the heart.

Marcus breathes out as he squeezes the trigger. He breathes in.

_Bang!_

Right in the head. Marcus notices what a beautiful day it is. All he can see is the target on the clear blue sky and rust coloured desert background

_Bang! _

The dummy dressed as Van Helsing takes a bullet to the head, right in the mouth. He has also used the last of his ammo and the weapon's slide snaps back and stays there.

Marcus however chooses to go out with a bang, slipping a fresh magazine into the gun, he aims and literally blows the hat of the Van Helsing dummy's head.

Geoff hits the stopwatch and the test is over. All the hosts are clapping and Anna has a face like a storm cloud. Carl the monk tries to use a little levity. "Well, he was certainly speedy." Anna just glares at him and the monk retreats back into his shell.

Announcer: _It's time for the experts to evaluate the guns of these two patriots. _

The camera shows slow motion footage of Van Helsing's revolver strapped to a table and being fired through a speed measuring rig. The footage swaps over to Wesker's gun in the same position.

Geoff, Max and Armand stand around a table with the relevant data before them. "So what do we got?" Geoff asks his medical doctor.

"Well the first thing to note is that both guns held no survivors; each shooter was able to hit vital organs each time."

"But Van Helsing's gun had more misses," Geoff points out.

"That's true," Max concedes, "but purely from a mechanical standpoint, Van Helsing has the more accurate gun. With its eight inch barrel and more powerful cartridge, the revolver had a one and a quarter inch grouping at twenty five yards." Max pulls up some schematics of Anna and Marcus firing at stationary foam targets that didn't make to the final cut of the show. "The problem is that due to the increased recoil, it's harder for Van Helsing to control his gun after the first shot."

"Also something to consider is the weight of the guns," Armand points out, "While the weight of Van Helsing's revolver is needed to counteract some of the recoil of the large bullets, which does eventually tire you, which needs to be factored into the simulation." However the master surgeon still has one last point to make, "I will say though that Van Helsing's bullets are deadlier; delivering twice as much power as a .357 round when at full load. These bullets were meant to kill elk and even buffalo; Van Helsing will need that power if he's going to kill a superhuman being with highly dense bone and muscle."

Geoff shakes his head, "But Wesker only needs an ordinary bullet to kill Van Helsing."

The decision is anonymous. Though one man has the deadlier bullets, better handling and lighter carry give the day to Wesker.

Edge: Samurai Edge

Announcer: _Coming up! These two fighters unveil the melee weapons that enabled their respective fighters to cut and kill their way to Victory. _

The camera shows Marcus wielding a nasty looking knife. "This is the TOPS Steel Eagle 107c."

Spencer clears his throat, making it clear to Marcus that it's his turn to talk (glory hog.) "A knife with an overall length of thirteen inches and a blade length of seven inches, Wesker uses this tool most effectively even though in the _Resident Evil _games it is designated as a weak weapon."

AT this point Carl proudly interrupts, "I beat the whole first game using the knife only," only Max looks impressed at this achievement.

Spencer continues his explanation, as this is seemingly the only way that a crippled old man like him can contribute, "Wesker's weapon has a custom serrated edge and a combat sheath made of blended nylon. The blade itself is made of 1095 high carbon allow; giving it strength, flexibility and an edge that keeps."

Anna just looks at the blade Marcus holds and shakes her head. "You call that a knife? I call it a toothpick," boasts the Romanian woman.

Marcus smirks at her, "Say what you will my dear, but this knife has been the weapon of choice for Special Forces operatives for years.

"So," says Geoff with arms crossed, "How are you going to test this weapon?"

Without any warning, Marcus spins around and throws the knife. The razor sharp killing tool sails through the air like the lightning bolt of Zeus. Time slows down and then speeds up again as all eyes in the room watch the blade fly.

Max looks on with shock.

Geoff looks on with horror.

Armand pulls out his medical kit in slow motion.

Spencer points and laughs.

Then just like that, Robert Daly takes the knife to the lower chest. This finally seems to get him to stop typing on that fucking laptop.

Robert screams and falls out of his swivel chair. With his fading strength, Robert manages to pull himself up and look over the table, "I . . . didn't . . . lie about . . . being a . . . green beret," he hisses woefully before he drops to the floor unconscious.

Announcer: _While Marcus nearly killed Robert Daly with his blade, Robert did survive and make it to hospital thanks to quick thinking on the part of Doctor Armand Dorian. Anyway, it's not like he contributes much to the show. _

Back at the fight club, Armand is visibly disturbed. "Well, that was unpleasant," he observes.

Spencer merely chuckles in his wheelchair, "I assume that statement goes in favor of our weapon."

Max spins around in his own swivel chair as he inputs data into the computer. "Well that is one deadly and well-designed knife. It's well balanced and finely crafted . . . but—

The statement hands in the air as Carl suddenly rushes forward with what looks like a handheld buzz saw. Swinging the device forward, Carl slices Marcus's combat knife in half in a shower of sparks.

Max smiles as he sees the looks of astonishment on the faces of Spencer and Marcus, "But I think that in this case Van Helsing's hand buzz saw wins the day because it cut yours in half."

Carl smiles, "God wins the day, bitches,"

"Hey!" says Armand, "You're a monk, you shouldn't swear."

Carl brushes Armand off, "I'm only a friar, I can curse all I want—you bastard."

Announcer: _Elaborating on the design of the buzz saw is Deadliest warrior's own weapons master Dave Baker. _

Appearing in a cluttered workshop is an elderly man with a moustache and decades of weapons building experience. In his apron and welder's mask, Dave holds up a recreation of Van Helsing's famous saw weapon.

"Now, Van Helsing lived over a hundred years ago but plans of the weapons he used are still kept around by the holy order."

Dave then points to a hand saw that's been disassembled, "The design is remarkably simple. The user squeezes this handle repeatedly to power an electric motor that turns the blade; much like a hand powered flashlight. The teeth of the saw feature a diamond grit so that he can cut through metal or even stone and there is a small switch here to control speed and power of the saw blade."

Announcer: _The Buzz saw takes the day_

Edge: Hand held buzz saw

_But now testing moves into long range and the final battle pushes closer! _

The screen shows Van Helsing aiming his revolver at Wesker and pulling the trigger.

The hosts and crew are all gathered in a grassy field. Set up in advance are a fleet of foam dummies and one ballistics gel dummy sitting on top of a ballistics gel horse. The horse is a cool looking thing; through its gelatin flesh we can see synthetic organs and a large reservoir of fake blood. The gelatin figure on the horse has been given sunglasses just like Wesker wears.

Anna holds in her hands a very ornate looking crossbow that is a great deal more bulky than the standard crossbow. Underneath the main body of the crossbow is a magazine containing multiple bolts as well as a high pressure tank of some kind built into the stock.

Max looks over the crossbow with approval, "So Carl, what can you tell us about this weapon?"

Carl nods for a moment and then adjusts his monk (sorry) friar's habit. "Well this is my automatic crossbow. It uses compressed nitrogen to pull the string and can fire a forty round magazine at a rate of three hundred arrows per minute."

He holds up a rather bulky magazine, "The bolts are made of steel and feature a barbed head so that targets can't pull them out without significant damage to soft tissue. The magazine also houses spare nitrogen so that one always possesses a source of compressed nitrogen."

The monk smirks, "A work of certifiable genius if I do say so myself."

"But you did say so yourself," says Max,

"Yes, I know that," says Carl.

Back at the testing table, Geoff is ready to roll, "Max! Get your ass over here!"

The resident computer nerd hastily complies with his friend's wishes and things are set to go. Geoff gives the all ahead, "Anna, you fire in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . KILL!"

The firing selector of the automatic crossbow is set to full auto and auto full is what Anna does. The weapons spits out ten bolts in rapid succession, each one hitting the target on horseback. Ten bolts all strike in a tight band around the upper left chest—the area where the heart is located.

Thinking like a warrior, Anna goes for a spray of supressing fire. The machine-crossbow gives off a strange _thwap-thwap-thwap_ as it ejects its deadly steel bolts. The fifteen foam dummies aren't spared. Unlike a machinegun, the crossbow has no recoil so Anna can keep squeezing the trigger without repercussion.

Bolts of death speed across the gap in the blink of an eye and the foam dummies bleed.

Out of ammo, Anna grabs a fresh magazine and tries to put it into the weapon, only for it to get stuck. Slapping it a few times, the magazine finally slips into place and Anna finishes killing off the last of the foam dummies. The camera captures one such dummy taking a bolt right between the eyes.

In virtually no time at all, the crossbow is empty once more. Anna reloads a third time and with minimal trouble manages to reload.

This time Ana empties the magazine into the horseman and the horse, the bolts peppering the target and turning it into some kind of anthropomorphic porcupine. The horse fares no better; roughly five bolts dig deep into the equine skull and the remainder of the magazine lands a new home in the horse's chest and neck.

"Done!" Anna calls, only to be greeted by cheers of delight from the three hosts.

The hosts walk towards the grouping of foam dummies. "Wow," remarks Armand, "it's like a forest of the dead. Strolling up to the main target, he grabs a bolt and pulls it out of the chest cavity with some difficulty. The former ER doctor examines the now bloody crossbow bolt, "Well, you got six inches of penetration with this bolt; that's two more inches than the Ming Bee's nest, which until now was the deadliest warrior weapon on the show."

Geoff speaks, "According to earlier tests, the bolts in the automatic crossbow fly at a rate of two hundred and fifty miles per hour; nearly ten miles faster than the Nest of bees and with greater weight behind the projectile."

"Well the bolts I've designed are heavier than conventional arrows, so they will be less affected by wind," Carl elaborates. He takes the bloody bolt from Armand and points at the barbs on the head. "The barbs on this weapon are spring loaded, they only extend when the bolt strikes the target. Thus it starts out as an armor piercing bolt head and transforms into a hunting head."

"Very impressive, very impressive indeed," scoffs Spencer, "But there is a good reason that gunpowder displaced the crossbow

"Let the doctor do his work," Max cautions Spencer.

Meanwhile, Marcus looks like he's getting sweet on Anna. The mutated man wearing a potato sack sneaks up to her and gives her his best pickup line, "Hello madam, have you ever done sexual play with leeches?"

Anna clearly isn't interested, "Fuck off, you fucking worthless piece of shit! Before I kill you!"

But Marcus knows that when a woman says that, she really means yes.

Meanwhile, Armand continues to examine the horseman and horse. "He's taken multiple hits to the chest with these arrows; he's dead." He looks at the face of the gelatin man, one of the crossbow bolts has hit him in the eye and gone through his black sunglasses; how fitting it is.

"Now to inspect the horse." Without further ado, Armand starts to examine the gelatin man's ride. "Well, a horse's skull is approximately one half inch around the cranium and these bolts in some cases have gone right through the cranial area and gone right into the neck of the horse."

He points at the legs of the gelatin horse, "Well, these bolts have totally gone through the leg bones of this horse, so it's not only dead but it's crippled."

Armand and the crew start to scout the forest of deaf foam dummies. Armand walks past each one giving a verdict, "Bolt to the head; dead. Multiple bolts to the heart; dead. "Three bolts to the throat; do you really need me?"

The list goes on and on but of ten foam dummies only two weren't instant kills. These dummies were gut and liver shots, which are slow kills. So these last two dummies get to watch all their buddies die while they suffer in pain.

Announcer: _An impressive display, but can it match the destructive power of Wesker's Koch SL8 prototype Sniper Rifle?_

The team are back at the grassy field again, this time with a fresh new set of targets. This time instead of a gelatin horse, there is a ballistics gel dummy sitting on top of a motorcycle

Wielding the gun in this case is none other than Ozwell E. Spencer himself.

Geoff doesn't seem so sure, "Hey Spence, are you sure you can handle that gun?"

"What kind of imbecility is that?" the old man is outraged, "I can handle any firearm, just be sure to hold my wheelchair to keep it from rolling backwards."

Geoff shrugs, "Sure, if you can see through your cataracts that's fine by me."

While Geoff rolls Spencer's wheelchair into position, the announcer delivers a bit of info on this gun.

_Announcer: The Heckler and Koch LS8 is a sniper rifle available in Resident Evil 4. It takes up fourteen spaces in the player's inventory and can be purchased for thirty-five thousand pesetas from the Merchant_.

Spencer is ready to go; several sandbags have been placed behind Spencer's wheelchair so that he doesn't go rolling off. Marcus is already trying to kill him and the show doesn't need to add to the danger.

The main host gives the countdown, "Spencer, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Spencer raises the gun and peers down the scope. It's inhuman; with ten rapid fire shots he blows off the heads of the ten dummies. Each one is a perfect headshot. _Boom, headshot!_

Carl the friar gapes, "Dear Lord!"

Reloading his weapon, Spencer puts a bullet right between the gelatin man's eyes and with a second bullet, shoots the gas tank of the motorcycle, causing it to explode and shower everything in the vicinity to be showered in flames.

Even Anna is visibly impressed by this display of incredible carnage. It looks like that laser eye surgery that spencer got really paid off.

Geoff turns around to face his two pals and the Van Helsing experts. "Sorry guys, your weapon is great; at a hundred yards it's as accurate as a rifle but it just can't match Wesker's sniper rifle for power and accuracy."

Carl is horrified, "But you haven't even examined the bodies!"

"Everything is on fire," Armand explains, "And they were all headshots without exception."

"Hey, what's that?" Max asks.

Everyone turns to look, even Marcus and Spencer cast around an observant eye. In the far off distance, through the smoke and flames; there appears to be a man running towards them.

"Who is that?" asks Max.

"I don't know," replies Geoff.

During what seems like an agonizingly long time the figure in the distance runs closer and closer. Soon, the running man gets close enough for people to realize that he's got something in his hand.

Suddenly, through the fire and flames everyone can see who it is.

"It's Mack!" cries out Max. Yes, Richard "Mack" Machowitz is back from his stint at the insane asylum. Mack lost his mind after trying to assassinate Max in an attempt to steal his place on the show. Now it looks like he's out for revenge.

Mack runs through the field of burning motorcycle fuel like William Wallace in some Englishman's nightmare. His face is all painted blue and drool flies out of his mouth as he runs. On his head Mack is wearing a cheap Halloween wig and it threatens to fall off with each step. In either hand he has a hatchet and a nine millimetre handgun respectively.

At this point, Max begins to figuratively shit himself with fear while Geoff and Armand start screaming for him to run for it. Anna sees Mack and while she doesn't know who the man is, demands that Carl give her another magazine of bolts.

Suddenly before anything bad can happen tennis ball flies out of nowhere and hits Mack in the head. The crazy former special forces soldier is suddenly knocked off his feet and ends up hitting his head on a rock and knocking himself out.

Everyone is curious to see where the tennis ball came from. Far on a high green hill, armed with a miniature steam powered cannon made from copper piping and a wooden tube are the Mythbusters.

Jamie and Adam smile as their invention works this time around. That they knocked someone out isn't so bad seeing as how he was armed and obviously insane. Adam jumps in front of the camera as happy as a clam, "Stick THAT in your ass, Archimedes!"

"Now we go full scale," says Jamie evenly. Behind the boys on the other side of the valley is a giant steam powered cannon on the scale of Big Bertha and its aimed right at the Deadliest Warrior fight club.

Edge: Sniper rifle

Announcer: _Wesker took the edge with his more advanced weapon, but can he maintain the trend?_

The team are once more at a firing range. The only difference is that instead of being in a rocky desert or a grassy field, the team are standing on an asteroid hovering over a nebula in the alternate dimension of Xen.

Set some distance away is a small hut with three foam dummy figures set around it. Each dummy is rigged with a set of shock measurement patches which determine whether the shock received is disorienting or lethal.

Old man spencer sits once more with the weapon across his bony-as-hell lap. Marcus looms over him, looking pissed off that he didn't get to fire the explosive weapon.

Old man Spencer meanwhile explains the history of the gun. "This weapon was designed by the Umbrella Corporation during the Vietnam war. It is a single shot weapon that uses a high-low propulsion system to fire an explosive shell to an optimum range of three hundred and fifty meters."

"Preposterous," remarks Carl, "Umbrella did not invent that weapon."

Geoff however shushes the Monk. "Carl, let the man blow something up."

Spencer prepares for the shot. He takes his time with the grenade launcher in the same way that lesser men would take their time with a golf shot.

When he squeezes the trigger there is a loud, muted _thump_ and the magic happens. The projectile sails across the distance—and misses!

The grenade flies over the hut and blows up some kind of weird alien predatory tree which squeals in pain right before it dies.

Fumbling to reload, the process isn't made easy by the arthritis that Spencer is feeling. At last, after dropping the next grenade several times, Spencer finally manages to reload with the help of Max.

This time the grenade flies straight and true. The grenade lands right inside the straw hut where a foam dummy is holding a DVD copy of _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_. There is a fiery flash and straw and wood are thrown everywhere. Also thrown everywhere are pieces of the brony dummy and his DVD. The surrounding dummies placed farther away are merely tossed aside; hopefully with heavy injuries for Armand to decipher.

"Well, the guy in the hut was killed not only by a lethal shockwave effect but by shrapnel from the bomb."

The team walks to the next dummy after that fairly straightforward autopsy. The second dummy's diagnosis is similarly grim; he's dead from the shockwave but the shrapnel damage is only minor.

The third dummy however gets to go home to its kids; it's unharmed by either the shockwave or the shrapnel. It's not even disoriented.

The vista changes to that of the fight club. Marcus and Spencer square off with Anna and Carl. "We have a modern deadly weapon. What have you got that compares?" Sneers Marcus.

Carl the monk has an inappropriate amount of pride—but fuck it he's only a friar—"We have this!" He holds up a strange spherical device made of brass and glass. Inside the sphere are several strange colored chemicals and a few odd knobs and widgets. "I've been working on it for twelve years; compressed magma from Mt. Vesuvius combined with alkaline from the Gobi desert. One of a kind!"

Spencer just looks at the strange device, "And what does it do?"

"Well," says Carl, "why don't we show you."

Announcer: _Van Helsing's lethal sunlight bomb is capable of producing a light equal to the intensity of the sun. But can it, as its inventor claims "charbroil a heard of wildebeest?" Let's find out! _

Standing in the middle of a vast, grassy field the deadliest warrior team has assembled the greatest collection of meat carcasses known to man. Despite some death threats from various animal rights organizations and the threat of lawsuits, the team has put together some two thousand wildebeest carcasses, each one suspended on a metal frame. It'll be the world's biggest barbecue to date.

Announcer: _Assisting the team is world class chef Gordon Ramsay. _

Good old Gordon is as mad and bad as ever. He's helping the team set up the wildebeest carcasses and he's getting mad over Geoff's sloppy behavior. "Geoff, what did I say? What did I say!"

Geoff is visibly frightened of Gordon.

Gordon continues to tear Geoff a new one, "You don't put the meat thermometer in the thigh of the wildebeest, you fucking donkey! Are you fucking listening to me?"

While Gordon Ramsay destroys Geoff's self-esteem, Max talks before the camera. "Since we only have one sunlight bomb to work with, Carl is setting up the whole rig himself. We're testing with a fake sunlight bomb to work out any kinks and for when we use the real one; we plan to bring out an uroborous infected pig to test the weapon's effectiveness."

Behind Max is a giant metal box. Inside the box the cry of a mutated pig rings out and there is a terrible crash as the steel of the container buckles; the mutant pig is trying to get out.

Everything is soon set up. Everyone is hiding behind a protective barrier designed to shield people from a nuclear strike. The normally confident and outgoing Geoff is cowed by the still present Gordon Ramsay, who now has a kitchen knife with him.

Carl turns, holding a small remote control in his hands, "Alright everyone, this has to go perfectly. When I give the word, release the pig."

Anna stands by with another remote to release said pig. Amidst the herd of wildebeest carcasses the light bomb sits on a pedestal about twelve feet off the ground. The mutant pig is ready to be released; at any moment that metal container will rip apart like a soda can.

The situation grows tense, Carl stands before the camera, licking his lips nervously. "It took me eleven years to build that bomb. If it doesn't work I'm going to kill myself."

Grabbing the detonator and thumbing the switch, Carl takes the plunge, "Well, here goes nothing!"

"WAIT!" comes Geoff's screaming voice.

The monk jumps and fumbles with the detonator. "What's going on?"

"We forgot to set something up" Geoff exclaims, "Be back in five minutes.

Geoff runs out of the blast shield to do whatever it is he has to do.

Carl grows visibly agitated as Geoff heads off. By the time the head host of the show is back, he's about ready to burst from impatience. "Are you finished!"

"Whoa, take it easy," says Geoff. "We're good to go."

Carl's eyes light up with glee and excitement. This is the moment of truth. "Release the pig!" the friar shouts. On command, Armand hits an electronic control and the holding cell of the uroborous pig opens up.

Screaming out like a bat of hell, the infected pig's squeals like the bastard lovechild of John Carpenter's _Thing_ and a pack of bacon. The three hundred pound pig is foaming at the mouth and its whole body is wrapped with thick, black worm like appendages. It truly does look like a demon.

The infected pig starts to charge, knocking over wildebeest carcasses—and at that moment, Carl hits the button.

There is no boom. There is only a giant flash of light that is seen even through the thick high powered light filters.

Everyone just looks around with deer-in-headlights looks. Nobody is sure what was supposed to happen or even if anything went wrong.

Max is the first to break the silence. "Did it work?"

It is Anna who answers for him. She sniffs the air, "I smell burnt meat."

Walking out of the protective blast shield, the guys are greeted by an amazing sight. Before them is a vast field of what looks like piles of ash. Carl's eyes bulge as he looks on the scene of devastation that his device wrought.

They spot the infected pig; it's the biggest pile of charcoal in the killing field.

Marcus and Spencer can't believe what they're seeing. Carl tries not to look too much; but he doesn't try too hard.

"Wait, what's that?" Armand asks, pointing to what looks like a large block of concrete that stands alone; all the metal stands have been melted.

"That's what I was setting up to see if Van Helsing could survive," Geoff answers. The camera pans around behind the concrete monolith. Behind the mass of concrete is a gelatin dummy dressed like Van Helsing. Upon inspection, the dummy has no injuries except for the loss of three fingers where the construct got to close to the edge.

Announcer: _High speed analysis reveals just what happened. _

"Okay," begins Armand, "For exactly two thirds of a second that bomb released a burst of light equal to the intensity of the sun at its surface. So at its peak the bomb was giving off a blast of 5600 degrees Celsius. Molten lava is only 1700 degrees Celsius."

"It was like a laser but with a three hundred and sixty degree spread," says Max before the camera. "It was brief enough to incinerate flesh and metal but the thick concrete blocked the light. The air around the dummy heated up substantially but not very much. So if Van Helsing hides behind a thick enough surface he can survive the sunlight bomb."

"Not to mention that the uroborous form did nothing against the sunlight bomb," Geoff summarizes.

Edge: Sunlight bomb.

The camera shows a slow motion shot of Anna firing the grappling gun through a six foot oak trunk a from thousand yards away.

Follow that with a CGI generated image of Wesker in his uroborous form.

The three hosts gather around the computer table, Geoff goes first, "So light bomb dominated both the grenade launcher and the uroborous form. How was the grappling gun?"

"Well the grappling gun could damage the uroborous form but not kill him," Max surmises "when Wesker is in that form, he's almost indestructible and even a tank would have a hard time making him feel a sting."

"But that's why he has the sunlight bomb," Geoff states.

"So are we ready to go?" Geoff asks his crew

"No," says Max, "some of our tests were inaccurate and we're missing some important data but let's just do the simulation anyway?"

Before Max can hit the simulation button, Gordon Ramsay grabs him by the wrist and stops him. "Am I fucking hearing this? Am I fucking hearing this!" Gordon's anger boils over. "That you fuckwits are just going to fuck this up because you're too lazy to get your fucking shit together!"

Gordon Ramsay's swearing and cursing visibly terrifies the three hosts.

In a rage, Gordon grabs Max's laptop and smashes it on the floor. "What you three fuckers will do is go back and redo every last fucking test or I'll cut your fucking hearts out!"

Needing no further prompting the guys run off like scared little girls and do exactly as Gordon says.

As they run away, they leave behind Carl and Anna. There is an awkward pause between the Romanian warrior princess and the bookish friar, until Carl says, "Let's go get some fried chicken."

Announcer: _Well they deserved it; now let's fast forward to the simulation!_

"Here we go!" says Max, and the enter button is hit on his new laptop.

* * *

Simulation:

The setting is an Umbrella manufacturing facility located in the Carpathian Mountains. Clouds periodically cover up the full moon on this dark night and down a treacherous mountain road. The driver has to be special careful in this facility in the Russian side of the ancient Carpathian Mountains.

In the main control room of the Umbrella facility Albert Wesker watches with an expressionless face at a score of television monitors and computer screens. Across his sunglasses, a reflection of a whole galaxy of data scrolls past. He's the kingpin, the mastermind; from his twisted intellect everything else flows. Soon is army will rise and he will take what is rightfully his.

On one monitor, he watches as Jill and Chris fight their way through the dense forests, battling the trademark BOWs of Umbrella. But little does Wesker realize that tonight it's not Chris and Jill who will be his greatest threat.

High over the Umbrella facility, a man watches through a brass telescope; his long leather jack flutters in the wind and the brim of his hat shields his eyes. The man sees the Umbrella truck approach the main gate of the Umbrella research compound and he knows that the time to strike is now.

The lower half of his face obscured by his turtleneck, Gabriel Van Helsing prepares once more to kill the things that go bump in the night. Strapping an advanced looking crossbow to his back, Van Helsing grabs his grappling gun and fires a shot that sails into the night.

The doors of the umbrella facility open and due to a design flaw in the security system, the cameras go off line for just a second or two as the truck enters. This gives Van Helsing the window he needs to swing over the wall and land in the compound.

Van Helsing moves as one with the darkness; stealth is his game and he's a pro at it. Umbrella guards move to and fro; he's like a ghost to them, unseeable and untouchable. In a long hallway, a swipe from a bizarre steampunk device renders the cameras inoperative long enough for him to get by.

In his control room, Wesker notices the disabling of the security cameras; paranoia starts to set it.

Sneaking up behind a pair of guards in the Umbrella armory, Van Helsing slams the men's heads together, knocking them out instantly. A third guard goes to investigate the unconscious bodies but doesn't see Van Helsing anywhere. Before the guard can raise the alarm, the dark, faceless man appears behind him and puts the guard into a sleeper hold.

The prone guard grunted, moaned and finally passed into unconsciousness.

In the control room, Wesker loads a magazine into his custom Samurai Edge handgun; he wants to see if something is amiss. The plan is so close, no slacking can be tolerated.

In a well-lit corridor, Van Helsing shuts off the lights; the darkness is his natural element. After so many murders on his conscience, he feels exposed in the open and it's not a stain he's sure if he'll ever be fully rid of. His gloved hand holds one of his handheld buzz saws. Checking his pocket watch, he notices that it's almost time.

In the Umbrella armory, several packs of plastic explosive have been rigged to blow; testament to Van Helsing's skills with the weapons of his enemies. The explosives have been placed next to a long rack of rocket launchers and other explosive weaponry. The digital counter on the demolitions charge slowly dials down; 3 . . . 2. . . 2. . . .

The explosion reverberates through the whole base, men scream and are killed as the entire armory goes up in a blast. Shrapnel flies everywhere and the concussive force of the shockwave knocks over vehicles and shatters windows.

Under his glasses, Wesker's red eyes glow with a well buried hatred

Men scream in pain and try to get aid but Umbrella's mercenary army is thrown into chaos. Further adding to the bedlam is the fact that Van Helsing disabled the sprinkler system so now a fire is slowly burning through the whole facility with nothing to stop it.

While the facility burns, Van Helsing makes himself busy. Earlier when the bomb went off he used his hand saw to cut a hole in the walls; through the wall he entered a vent and climbed his way into Wesker's control room, now free of Wesker.

Quick as quicksilver, Van Helsing's fingers fly across the keyboard; displays change, numbers climb and fall while to the side of the massive supercomputer there is a data holding device.

Not daring to waste a second, Van Helsing grabs the data device once he has what he needs. He intends to make a quick getaway, but as the left hand of God his luck is fickle.

The double doors of the control room burst wide open and Van Helsing draws his revolver as fast as greased lightning.

Standing there in the doorway like the King of the Castle if Albert Wesker, and there is a thief in his lair.

The hammer on the revolver drops and a large calibre, high powered magnum bullet spits right in Wesker's direction, but the nefarious Umbrella madman moves aside with _Matrix _like swiftness; dodging a bullet.

Van Helsing fires his gun again and again but Wesker is too fast; pulling out the second revolver and firing that does little to stop Wesker.

Wesker draws his own Samurai Edge and makes what ought to be a nice clean kill shot through the eye and out the back of the skull. But as Wesker shoots, Van Helsing ducks his head to the side and the bullet misses.

Wesker is almost stunned. The man dodged a bullet; in a manner of speaking. It's like the guy has a Jedi sense or something. Wesker scowls; no matter though. He'll just use the knife to interrogate this mysterious man.

Grabbing his combat blade, Wesker lunges, but Van Helsing is already thinking ahead; unlike Chris and his ilk who are always just scrambling for survival. Firing the last shot from his left revolver, Van Helsing shoots the water sprinklers overhead, triggering a torrent of water.

Wesker is furious on the inside. Water means slippery floors and slippery floors means that he can't use his super speed on this man. Speaking of which, who is this man?

In the meantime, Van Helsing pops a speed loader into his weapon and ducks for cover behind one of the computer panels. Van Helsing can almost feel the air form the bullets as one stray shot disturbs a strand of his long chestnut hair and three bullet holes are added to his long coat. Luckily the long coat is good for breaking up his silhouette.

Wesker grabs his gun, going for a pistol/knife duel wield move. Van Helsing however pops up from behind cover like a pouncing wolf. Wesker is surprised by the masked assassin's choice of weapons; a crossbow of all things. It is an ornate crossbow, with a silver ram's head under the ejection port for bolts and fine engraving on the side of it. Under the body of the crossbow is an elaborate mechanism that Wesker doesn't fully understand.

Any man would have died, but when Van Helsing fires a bolt at Wesker, the Umbrella mastermind deflects it with his knife. Wesker get a nasty shock when the crossbow goes full auto.

Van Helsing kept his aim steady, using the distraction of his crossbow to manoeuvre around Wesker and into the Hallway.

Wesker deflects the steel arrows, but the fast moving projectiles are pushing him to the limit. The wet floor prevents him from dodging so he is forced to deflect. Shards of metal fly as his knife knocks the bolts out of the air. Wesker's knife moves like magic, defying the human eye and the laws of nature. As he raises his gun to return fire, an arrow penetrates his defenses and strikes him in the wrist. The lethal crossbow bolt stabs Wesker's wrist and prevents him from using his trigger finger.

In the shocked state of pain, Wesker's focus slips for just a millisecond or two and a bolt strikes him in the shoulder.

No more! This unknown rat will not lay a finger on Albert Wesker. The blonde madman's knife work resumes its previous invulnerable defense.

At last, Van Helsing reaches the door, just in time too for he's used up all the bolts in his weapon. Fleeing as fast as he can, Van Helsing finds out that Wesker is not the only one slowed down by the slippery floor. Water dripping down his hat and coat, drenching his hair, Van Helsing glistens in the harsh light of the Umbrella base.

The sprinklers are turned off. Puddles of water on the floor splash as Wesker's black boots storm down the hallway. Still to slippery for him to use super speed and his superhuman senses tell him that his enemy is not far behind.

Unfeeling as a robot, Wesker grabs the bolt from his wrist and pulls it through. Almost immediately, he feels the soothing sensation of cellular regeneration. He regrets tearing out the bolt in his shoulder, for the barbed head pulls away a great chunk of flesh and reopens a new wound on top of the old one. Yet it is of no consequence, for the damage is annoying but inconsequential.

Holstering his Samurai Edge, Wesker walks up to a weapons locker and pulls out a prototype sniper rifle. Handling the gun like a pro, Wesker locks and loads, pursuing his quarry with a single minded determination.

As he walks towards the nearest exit, he spots a lifeless body on the ground. The gas mask wearing Mercenary HUNK; he's got a crossbow bolt sticking out of the reflective lens of his gas mask.

Wesker' isn't the least bit sad about the death of HUNK. If anything, he's very thankful for all the years of service that the man provided and now worries about getting a replacement.

Looking outside a narrow ledge, Wesker sees Van Helsing escaping on some kind of grappling line. No matter; Wesker takes aim with his sniper rifle and pulls the trigger.

Van Helsing suddenly feels a sudden change in momentum as the sniper's bullet cuts cleanly through the high tension cable of his grappling gun.

His grappling gun now suddenly a useless lump of metal, the silent her plummets to the ground. All around, Umbrella personal are still trying to recover from the damage of the weapons explosion and do not even notice the falling man in black clothes.

In a dark room in the facility big enough to house an army, a gigantic vat full of obscure shapes starts to drain. Inside the vat are hundreds of Umbrella's—no—Wesker's new bio-organic weapons. In the seemingly endless room, thousand more of these vats come to life and start to drain, releasing their deadly contents ahead of the schedule Wesker had dictated.

Meanwhile, Wesker watches the unknown man fall but then fate gives the man a break. Van Helsing catches an electrical power cable in mid fall; he nearly dislocated his shoulder catching the wire but he makes hit.

Wesker is about to blast a hole through Van Helsing's eyes when the mercenary soldier of the Vatican aims his revolver at Wesker and fires.

Van Helsing is a good shot with just about anything that fires; he can hit a quarter at a thirty yards with his pistol. This shot he fires goes wide but it is enough to throw of Wesker's aim temporarily.

Wesker takes aim just as Van Helsing hoists himself up and actually stands on top of the taut electrical wire; Cirque du Solliel should be trying to recruit him.

Rather than run away, Van Helsing starts to run towards Wesker along the wire. His coordination and speed is impressive but he has to die.

Wesker stands impassive as Van Helsing fires his remaining revolver bullets at Wesker. The shots are wide by a matter of millimetres. One bullet flies by close enough to disturb Wesker's hair. Another just slightly chips the paint on the side of Wesker's slick black sunglasses. His last bullet flies at Wesker, right between the eyes, but the Umbrella mastermind is right on the nugget. With powers beyond mortal men, Wesker swats the bullet away from him like a tennis ball.

Wesker's wounds from the crossbow have totally healed and he's in the mood for some torture, so he decides to interrogate this mystery man. Wesker fires his gun and in the distance, Van Helsing stumbled and doubles over, nearly losing his balance on the wire. Wesker fires another shot and Van Helsing plunges as a gunshot nicks his foot and finally destroys his balance.

Carelessly, Wesker tosses the sniper rifle over his shoulder. A gun would be too quick for what he has in mind.

Amidst the burnt wreckage of the Umbrella base, Van Helsing stands. Directly beneath him is a small pool of blood and all around him are human screams and fire. It's a scene directly pulled from the Divine Comedy; and as he hears these human cries, Van Helsing becomes fully aware of the severity of his crimes.

As he starts to tend to his wounds with a small med kit, he hears Wesker's voice through the darkness and smoke.

"Who are you?" comes that sneering, "What's your name, stranger?"

Every time Wesker speaks it comes from a different location in this infernal vista. "There's no escape you know, not from me or from the forces I command."

Van Helsing stifles a cry of pain as he uses one of Carl's inventions to sterilize his gunshot wound by burning it. It's a shallow wound but it nicked an artery. It's not a hospital grade patch job but for now he's no longer in imminent danger of bleeding to death.

"Tell you what, if you come clean with me I just might offer you a job."

Van Helsing acts like he doesn't even hear Wesker's taunts. Then suddenly as he looks up, Wesker is standing right in front of him as if he'd teleported there.

Wesker expected his sudden appearance to startle the unknown man. But against all odds, Van Helsing just looks Wesker up and down and gives a small "hm" and adjusts his hat.

And he's not just faking calm; Wesker can hear that Van Helsing's heartbeat is as steady as the tick of a clock.

And for some reason, this just really get to Wesker; like an irritating mosquito bite he can't ignore.

Wesker first smirks a bit but as Van Helsing stares him down, that smirk turns into a scowl and Wesker grabs his enemy and throws him across the rubble strewn ground like a hockey puck.

"Enough games, whoever you are," Wesker snarls, "Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds is all I'll give you before I torture what I want to hear out of you." In conclusion, he draws his combat knife. Nothing like a little mutilation to get the job done.

Saying not a single word, Van Helsing reaches into his coat and pulls out two handheld devices. From each device extends circular saws that begin to whir and spin.

Wesker only looks at Van Helsing's peculiar weapons with only detaches curiosity before charging in for a swipe. He'll start slow, slice off an ear or something like that.

Van Helsing is fast though and skilled, he swipes his saws at Wesker and the Umbrella mastermind moves back as the circular saws slice at his jacket sleeve.

Wesker passes his knife from hand to hand. "You've been shot, yet you make no outcry and your speed is impressive."

Van Helsing says nothing, face concealed behind his turtleneck; his eyes glint brightly in the firelight. Again, his silence aggravates Wesker like a pebble in his shoe.

Van Helsing presses his attack, utilizing not only an advanced fighting system but the "it" factor, the survival instinct that gets men and women through the hardest circumstances breathing. He's faced over a hundred demons and monsters and slayed or captured them all. Van Helsing is a man with no past and for him to survive his enemy needs to have no future.

Wesker dances around Van Helsing's deadly melee weapons. Almost mockingly, he moves slowly enough for Van Helsing to see but never to hit.

Wesker tries to strike with his knife, but the whirring buzz saw cut the blade off right at the hilt. Catching the blade as it falls to the ground, Wesker has had enough.

Sprinting forward he grabs Van Helsing by the throat and lifts him up in the air. Van Helsing tries to slash at Wesker with his saws but Wesker stabs Van Helsing in the shoulder, missing any major arteries.

Wesker then knocks the saw out of one hand and pulls out the knife. He materializes with Van Helsing in his hand, slamming his enemy against a wall and pinning his sleeve to the wall so that he can't use his deadly hand weapon.

Van Helsing looks well and truly screwed; in the grip of a homicidal madman with superhuman strength and his arm is tied.

"Let's see who you really are," Wesker's eyes shone behind his glasses. Yet Van Helsing had a trick up his sleeve.

The buzz saw in his hand still spun. As it did, Van Helsing pressed a button on the side of it and the saw blade detached and flew at the nearest destructible thing—Wesker's head.

Caught completely off guard, Wesker is unable to dodge the flying saw blade and it strikes him in the skull, putting one inch diamond studded teeth into his brain. It's not a fatal wound by Wesker's eyes bulge as if he's been kicked in the ball sack.

Like any good hunter, Van Helsing has turned the tables and takes advantage of this temporary reversal of fortune. Ignoring the pain in his shoulder, Van Helsing ducks down and grabs his other saw.

Squeezing the handle, the deadly weapon instantly fires up. Wesker is still pulling the saw blade stuck in his brain and can't react in time.

Wesker roars in pain as Van Helsing slices off his right leg above the knee. Wesker falls and his amputated leg twitches and thrashes like the leg of a spider. As he gazes upon his missing limb, Wesker feels an odd sense of horror and mute disgust as he watches what was once part of him thrash mindlessly.

He reaches out a gloved hand to grab his leg, but Van Helsing shoots his leg away with his revolver.

Wesker grits his teeth. His convoluted mind, normally so full of plans and schemes and errant thoughts is suddenly empty. All that he can feel is a sense of seething, primitive rage; the exact same rage that drives so many of the T-virus mutants.

Albert goes for his gun, but once more Van Helsing has taken the lead. A hail of crossbow bolts strike Wesker and pepper him like a pincushion. This time he's unable to dodge or deflect the lethal metal bolts.

Agonizingly, Wesker can feel his organs and muscles ventilated and his limbs are pinned down as if with stakes. Yet Wesker will not fall, Wesker does not give up and Wesker does not forgive.

Van Helsing aims his gun at Wesker's head, ready to put him down like an animal when the ground shakes. The fire that Van Helsing started has reached some tanks of pure oxygen and those tanks are ready to burst from the heat. Seeing that there is no time, Van Helsing reloads his grappling gun and zooms away like Robin Hood.

Wesker grits his teeth and rips his pinned arm from the ground. Pulling out the bolts with his teeth, he tosses off his sunglasses and pulls a syringe from his coat. He injects himself just as the oxygen tanks explode and kill even more members of the Umbrella Mercenary army.

In the moonlit night, Chris and Jill watch he explosions from the cover of the Carpathian forest. They've been battling their way through droves of Umbrella's monsters in their search for Wesker. They are so close but now Chris and Jill have a dreadful feeling that a new player has entered the game.

Van Helsing stands in a clearing high on a rocky hill. He lost his medical kit in the battle with Wesker and hopefully he can find a town or something where he can get treatment. Putting a gloved hand over his shoulder, Van Helsing winces. When a man fights, the odds that he'll come out whole and intact is slim and when battling monsters those odds get exponentially worse. Each fight takes a physical and mental toll on Van Helsing and one day he just won't have anything left to give.

The crossbow was lost in the escape and he laments it; it was a fine weapon, both silent and accurate.

Yet the fight is not won, for at that moment, something jumps from the burning wreckage of the Umbrella base with the roaring fury of a virus born anger.

Van Helsing steps back to avoid being crushed as Wesker lands only feet from him.

Drawing his revolvers fully loaded, Van Helsing is horrified to see what Wesker has become. Mutated by the uroborous virus, massive black worms grow out of Wesker's army like mobile tumors. Both arms have been replaced by thick masses of tentacles with sharp shards of metal stuck within like some sort of organic battle axe.

Wesker swings out one vast tentacle arm of his. Van Helsing narrowly dodges but the rock behind him is obliterated by the force of the impact.

Wesker snarls at Van Helsing, sounding like a hungry werewolf. The main enemy of the Resident Evil Game series has never looked so bad.

Desperately, Van Helsing fires his revolvers, hitting Wesker in the chest and face. But even shooting Wesker in the head with his .44 calibre revolvers doesn't do anything except superficial damage.

Blood runs down Wesker's nightmarish face and he doesn't seem to notice or care.

Attempting to bring down this beast, Van Helsing takes his grappling gun and fires it right at Wesker's chest.

The infected madman grunts only slightly as a projectile as thick as a soda can go right through his chest.

Then Wesker laughs, a slow and sinister laugh; even Van Helsing can feel a spike of fear start to travel up his spine at that laughter. It's not a madman's laughter; it's the deliberate, sane laughter of a psychopath executing a checkmate.

Wesker raises a tentacle arm to crush Van Helsing and it will be a blow that Van Helsing cannot block or dodge. It looks like the end.

"Burn in hell," Wesker drawls, his voice just _dripping_ with pure hatred.

When all of the sudden Van Helsing drops his revolvers and from out of his jacket he pulls out a small remote control with a flashing red light on it.

Suddenly Wesker stops in mid strike. His glowing eyes focus on the equally red light. It winks on and off, almost hypnotizing Wesker.

"What is that?" he says in a voice more gravelly than usual.

Van Helsing is completely silent. The little red light casts a ghoulish cast to his hidden features and bright eyes.

"SPEAK, DAMN YOU!" Wesker bellows. And though his voice is loud enough to ruffle Van Helsing's hair, the mysterious assailant makes no sound.

Instead, Van Helsing's eyes slowly and deliberately turn to look behind Wesker.

Confused and even may, just possibly a little. . Intimidated; Wesker reluctantly looks behind him—and his eyes widen with horror.

Gathered on the hill where Van Helsing and Wesker face for the last time is the very Army that Wesker was building underneath the facility.

Crowded with blank expressions are a thousand androgynous persons, all with the same trademark uroborous infection as Wesker. Every last one of them is armed with all sorts of heavy weapons normally seen on tanks. A few of them are even carrying ballistic missiles on their backs.

A hundred thousand were build, only a fraction survived the infection but that fraction is the perfect army; obedient and as mighty as an army of a hundred million. Immune to pain, death, old age and utterly loyal.

They are now at the command of the remote control in Van Helsing's hand, and Wesker finally makes the connection. Between the remote and the army uroborous.

That's when the last shard of Wesker's sane mind finally snaps. "MY BABIES!"

Throwing a tantrum of nuclear proportions, Wesker swipes and narrowly misses Van Helsing, throwing him back a good distance.

Rolling head over heels, Van Helsing drops the remote control and it is snatched up by Wesker's slimy tentacles.

Grinning, Wesker presses the red glowing light.

The effect is immediate. The weapons of the uroborous army all lock and load . . . and they begin to attack Wesker.

Like a Zerg rush from StarCraft, the uroborous attack Wesker with claws, tentacles and modern machineguns and flamethrowers.

Wesker screams in frustration and rabid rage as he struggles to fight the army that he created.

Van Helsing beats a hasty retreat, trying to avoid being trampled by the stampede of infected figures who ignore him in favor of their objective.

Several of the army fire missiles, which go out and blast the Umbrella base to atoms. Nothing is left of the research and thanks to Van Helsing; a dagger has been forever driven through the heart of Umbrella.

With one last weapon in his arsenal, Van Helsing grabs the sunlight bomb and primes it.

Wesker frantically fights back his army, but for all his effort they're bringing him down like ants killing a grasshopper. Wesker designed his army too well and where once they would have brought him Victory now they are his ruin.

Clambering behind a rock, Van Helsing prays that he can get enough cover. If not, his death will not be mourned.

The sunlight bomb flies through the air—

Wesker fights his traitorous army, defiant to the last—

The sunlight bomb begins to glow—

It is noiseless and brief, but for just one second, it is like the sun was teleported onto the surface of the earth. Trees are blasted into nothing, the grass is obliterated and Wesker himself is consumed like dry grass.

Chris Redfield, veteran of a hundred battles and slayer of more monsters than anyone can count leads a now blind Jill Valentine through what was once thick Carpathian Mountains. The two of them were fighting BOWS in a cave when the sunlight bomb went off. Chris was unscathed by Jill was blinded. Her sight isn't returning, Chris fears that it may be permanent though he doesn't voice his suspicion.

Neither crusader against Umbrella has any idea what transpired. They reach the hill where Van Helsing and Wesker fought. As much as they've seen, it hasn't prepared them for the sight of an incinerated army, melted equipment and desolation so complete that the land may be barren for decades. It's as if God himself visited his Old Testament wrath down on this place, smiting the good and the bad alike.

Chris is at a loss for words. Near the top of the hill he can see a big pile of something that was once alive.

Then all of the sudden—

"Wait!" says Chris, reloading his gun.

"What is it? What is it, Christ?" Jill asks, trying to keep the fear of this new blindness out of her voice.

From the top of the hill, the clouds part and the moon is full. A light breeze starts to sweep away some of the smoke from the carcasses.

From out behind a particularly large rock steps a figure in a large, flowing coat or cape. Chris wants to call out to the man on the hill but watches in fascination. It's not long before the figure finds what he's looking for.

Van Helsing sees his hat, protected from the sun blast when it landed behind rocky cover. Good; he'd hate to lose that hat.

Looking at Wesker's charred remnants; Van Helsing crosses himself and says a prayer. "_Requisce in pace_." There is no sarcasm or gloating in his voice, nor judgement. He's just saying a prayer for the dead.

His respect for the dead is interrupted when he hears Chris Redfield call out, "Van Helsing!"

Chris knows who it is. After Wesker betrayed STARS, a new murderer arose to terrorize Europe. He killed targets of all demographics, men, women, black, white, poor, rich, strait, gay; all were slain at his hand. He was like a ghost; he left no finger prints or evidence of his crimes.

This new murderer was almost like Bigfoot, everyone saw him but nobody knew anything about him.

And even at this distance, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that Chris would mistake Van Helsing's iconic profile. What the most wanted man in Europe is doing here, Chris has no idea and he has no way of finding out.

With Jill blinded he has higher priorities, and Van Helsing is long gone by the time that Chris goes looking.

Where he went, nobody knows. Who is he, nobody cares; they just want his blood.

They chase him and he runs. He runs because he has to run. He's not a hero; he's a silent guardian. They'll hunt him because he can take it.

He's a silent guardian.

_Van Helsing is seen fleeing on a horse on the other side of the mountain_

He's the watchful protector of all.

_Hooves pound the damp earth trail as Russian Police led by Chris chase. _

A dark knight.

_Van Helsing climbs aboard a rundown ship in a Russian harbor, and before the screen goes black, he looks directly at the camera. _

_**VAN HELSING WINS!**_

_Epilogue_

Wesker's corpse smoulders in the cold Carpathian air. He's dead, but not fully dead. Something inside him is still alive and could grow, if it's given proper care.

Feet crunch on the ashen trail. Queen of Blades Sarah Kerrigan finds this incinerated vista most quaint. It's like Char during bikini season.

The main villain of _StarCraft_ looks over Wesker's corpse. "You can do everything right," she reflects, "You can make all the right moves, pull the right string and in the end, you can still fail."

Gingerly, she runs a hand down the charred mockery of Wesker's face, frozen in his final agonizing death.

Behind her, a pair of red glowing eyes appears and a powerful, dangerous, seductive voice speaks out. "You know what to do, my dear," says Tony Jay, voice actor and now cosmic threat.

"Of course," says Sarah with pained reluctance, "my master.

Stats:

Van Helsing: 692 kills

Twin Revolvers-57 kills

Automatic crossbow-38

Handheld buzz saws-31 kills

Sunlight bomb-566 kills

Albert Wesker: 308 kills

Samurai Edge Pistol-78 kills

Koch SL8 prototype Sniper Rifle-73 kills

Custom Steel Eagle 107c-6 kills

M79 Grenade Launcher-151 kills

Additional equipment:

Grappling gun-87 out of 100

Uroborous virus-95 out of 100

Max appears before the camera, "When it came to ability, Wesker has a lot of advantages in terms of speed and strength, but Van Helsing was able to overcome those abilities with his sunlight bomb."

Armand appears, "As good as Wesker's regeneration was, he couldn't handle the sunlight bomb. It was a game change and an instant kill."

Geoff then shows up, "Where Wesker prevailed was in his modern firearms and the stylishness of his garments. I think we have a winner."

Carl the friar seems pleased, "Well that is nice," he beams innocently, "I just spent the last half hour crying because I thought Van Helsing would lose."

Anna takes victory a little more seriously, "I knew that Van Helsing would win. I've seen Van Helsing fight and he's tougher than that blond worm."

Marcus and Spencer act a little different. While Marcus is ranting at the camera about how he's going to kill Spencer, Spencer activates a hidden trap which dumps a whole load of REDOX health drink on Marcus's head. The half man half leech screams and melts like the wicked witch of the west.

Spencer grins at his accomplishment. "At last! I've won this infernal chess game! Well Marcus you can just—

The old man stops and leans back; eyes wide open and mouth gaping.

Everyone is stunned at this blatant betrayal. It's the first time that two experts have died. Delicately, Armand checks Spencer's pulse. "He's dead; I think he may have had a massive shock or heart attack brought on by shock."

"Let's all go out for Pizza," Carl suggests awkwardly. Everyone gives him a dirty look.

* * *

And that' that! I'm so glad this is finished. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting but I wanted to do this right and my lazy ass got in the way.

The last little bit was from the movie Dark Knight, which I never liked that much but I thought those last lines were incredible; and they fit Van Helsing perfectly because he does kill.

Next match is a battle of Wizards, Voldemort vs Randall Flagg. There'll be so much evil I'll have to put down newspaper.

So thanks for reading, I love all of you :D


	19. Randall Flagg vs Lord Voldemort

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Randall Flagg vs. Voldemort

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or The Dark Tower series. I also do not own Mythbusters of any registered shit you see in here. I hope you enjoy :D

* * *

The three deadliest warrior hosts appear before the camera. "Okay," begins Geoff, "Today we have a battle of magic versus magic."

The camera changes to show a snake like man in black robes standing before the rubble of Hogwarts Castle.

"That's right," chirps Max, "And it's not a case of light versus dark but evil versus evil. Like Freddy versus Jason but on steroids and with magic wands."

The camera shifts to show a frightening man walking down a deserted highway at night; his gaze causes birds on a power line to die, glasses to shatter in waitresses hands and men to develop prostate cancer.

"When it comes to dark Wizards," says Armand, "you can't really top the sheer evil of Lord Voldemort and Randall Flagg."

"But who is deadliest?" says Geoff, "Now that is the question."

Announcer: _Voldemort!_

Shows the dark lord himself standing over the shattered remnants of the Potter household. He just murdered Harry's mom and he looks like he liked it.

_The Dark Wizard who so terrorized the wizarding world that even today his name is unspeakable. _

The Camera shows a sinister man wearing denim and cowboy boots, he grins as he transforms into a medieval sorcerer and holds up a sinister crystal ball of pink hue that threatens to suck out your soul.

Announcer: _Randall Flagg, an ever changing, ever plotting sorcerer on a quest to find the dark tower. _

Shows Flagg dressed in the black robes of a priest, laying down tarot cards for an equally mysterious gunslinger. The first card that comes up . . . is death.

_In his thousand year reign of terror, Flagg has killed for pleasure and profit; directly destroying civilizations and worlds. _

The screen changes to show footage of Flagg and Voldemort standing side by side with their wands drawn.

Announcer: _Using twenty-first century science, we can now decide which of these powerhouses of evil would prevail in a battle. _

A dark haired man appears before a cauldron.

Announcer: _Biomedical expert Geoff Desmoulins will handle the processing of data from this battle_.

"From a psychological perspective, these guys are a lot like Hernando Cortez and Ivan the Terrible," Geoff summarises, "I give my edge to Voldemort on this one because for him, murder and torture aren't a hobby; they're his career."

Announcer; _Former ER doctor, Armand Dorian, tries to kill us all with his DOX energy drink. Seriously, don't drink it._

Armand holds up a bottle of red energy drink, which supposedly has as much tannins as three hundred glasses of red wine. "Don't bash my drink!" she shouts.

"Anyway," Armand continues, "I have to go with Flagg on this one. Yes, Voldemort was saner than Flagg but Flagg was an infiltrator. He shows the signs of a classic Wall Street psychopath. He won people's trust and managed to destroy whole kingdoms because of it. He managed to destroy Gilead and the Association. Whereas Voldemort relied on grand acts of terrorism and propaganda of the deed. That underhanded nature is what is going to win Flagg this battle."

The camera pans around the studio in a mini helicopter shot to show a group of strange looking people practicing with weapons and magic spells. The camera settles on a greasy haired man with a hooked nose and black robes.

Announcer: _Former potions teacher and Death Eater Severus Snape was once one of Voldemort's most trusted spies. To this match he brings not only unique insight into the Dark Lord's mind but accurate assessment on the Dark Lord's enemies. _

"The Dark Lord is one who truly lusts for power; in his quest for it he crushed all those who opposed him while pursuing a fanatical but very practical master race ideology."

Severus explains, "The Dark Lord made use of several unforgiveable curses in his time, particularly the confundus curse. Hence, no one could be certain who served him of their own free will and who was coerced."

Announcer: _Team Flagg has an expert who is equally assured of his side's villainy. _

The man in question looks like a rough and ragged cowboy who's led a life of nothing but pain and hardship and it shows on his weathered face. "I know not the wicked ways of this so called Dark Lord, but I'm more than aware of the foul stench that surround my nemesis Walter O'Dim, or Martin Broadcloak, or Samir Duran or whatever he chooses to call himself."

The cowboy pulls out a hand rolled cigarette and lights it, "Only a true warrior could hope to prevail against such an enemy, and I only did so by the smallest margin."

At the same time, a woman standing next to Roland lets out a bone chilling cackle. She's a witch, from JK Rowling's Harry Potter Universe and she looks like she's graduated from the Azula School of Crazy Bitches with full honors.

"What do you know? Just a dusty relic of fallen Gilead!" her sentences are breathy and her words are strangely seductive. Roland is speechless at the sheer freakiness of Bellatrix Lestrange.

"Our dear Dark Lord is the greatest Wizard of all time!" she throws her arms in the air as if listening to music that no one else can hear. "Victory is ours!"

Roland just raises an eyebrow and puffs his cigarette, "I will walk that way," he says, before putting some distance between him and the crazy lady.

Announcer: _The final member of Team Flagg is none other than acclaimed author and confused amoral drug dealer Stephen King, who appeared as a self-insert during the final volumes of the Dark Tower series_.

Unassuming, bespectacled and somewhat Geeky, Stephen King looks decidedly unimpressive next to Snape's bat like countenance.

"You know, I've never seen anyone who acted as smarmily gay as you do," King says to Snape.

In response, Snape shouts, "_Expillarmus!_" The spell combined with a snap of his wand knocks back Stephen King into a gun rack, where he experiences a great deal of pain. The three hosts go to help up the author.

Announcer: _Both warriors in this case bring with them a powerful and devastating arsenal of magic spells and abilities as well as decades of experience. _

Voldemort:

Born: December 31st, 1926

True name: Tom Marvolo Riddle

Offensive Spells: Avada Kedavera, Fiendfyre, crucio

Defensive Spells: expillarmus, aqua scutum

Magical animals: basilisk, nagini

Special powers: apparition, parsel tongue

Randall Flagg:

True name: Walter Paddick

Born: ?

Aliases: Randall Flagg, Walter O'Dim, Richard Fry, Russell Faraday, Rudin Filaro, Frank Fontaine, Frank Gorland, Samir Duran, Colonel Ackerman . . . too many to list

Offensive Spells:transfiguration, killer tarot cards, controlled lightning

Defensive Spells: necromancy, illusion casting,

Magical animals: tunnel daemon, enthralled wolves

Special powers: shape shifting, dimensional travel

Announcer: _To get the ball rolling, we start off with offensive spells and team Voldemort takes first crack. _

The team is once more standing in the verdant green meadow where they do most of their outdoor testing that involves arrows and the less destructive single shot firearms.

Snape and Bellatrix seem to be arguing. "Damn you Severus!" hisses the rolling eyed crazy woman. "Why must you conduct the first trial? You are a traitor and you loved a mudblood!"

Severus merely brushes off Bellatrix, "Well Bella, first of all, you are very ugly." She narrows her eyes in fury but Snape has more for her. "Second, if you ever mention Lilly Everson in that context I shall kill with my bare hands." He sounds utterly calm and collected, "And thirdly I have the benefit of being outbred, with all the advantages that entails."

Stephen King watches the exchange with fascination, "Ouch," says the mousey writer, "She got served."

Roland just grunts noncommittally and adjusts his cowboy hat, preferring to keep his distance from the crazy witch.

Some distance away, looking very out of place is a giant spider the size of a hummer. The giant beast is kept at bay inside a giant, magically enchanted cage.

Geoff does a little bit of explaining, "What we have there is one of the giant spiders from the Great forest at Hogwart's castle's forbidden forest."

The screen shifts to a series of shots where the team fire assault weapons and even a rocket launcher at the spider to no avail.

"After trying out various muggle weapons on this creature," Geoff elaborates, "We'll see just how effective the killing curse is on it."

Geoff, Armand and Max all stand behind the protective glass, which will do absolutely nothing if the spider breaks lose and gets past Snape.

Armand talks into the camera, "Avada Kedavera is known as the killing curse and is the foremost of the unforgiveable curses; so named because it'll earn you a lifetime in Azkeban the Wizard's prison."

Armand turns around to grab some chips that are sitting on the sensor table while Max turns around and starts filling in blanks for his partner, "Avada Kedavera comes from Aramaic which means 'let it be destroyed'. Originally it referred to illness but the spell evolved to kill people, animals and monsters."

Snape stands ready before the caged spider.

"Snape!" Geoff shouts, "are you ready!"

Snape merely nods, not wanting to disgrace himself in front of the American fools.

And Geoff gives the customary countdown. "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . kill!"

The door on the spider's cage flies open and the big beast comes out. It doesn't even take two steps before Snape says the curse. "Avada Kedavera!"

A flash of green light, like a laser comes from his wand. And the instant it strikes the spider, it's all over. Like pulling the plug on the computer, the effect is instantaneous. The spider that shrugged off a rocket launcher and mundane muggle weapons just dies like that.

Somewhere at the Hogwarts School of witchcraft and Wizardry, Rubeus Hagrid sees events unfold on his seventeen inch TV. "Vincent!" he cries, for he knew that spider by name, "NOOOO!"

Announcer: _Deadliest Warrior Weapons maker David baker demonstrates the work behind Voldemort's wand. _

Kindly old man that he is, venerable smith David Baker shows us the wand that Tom Riddle used. "This is a thirteen and a half inch yew framework with a phoenix feather core."

The old man turns it around to show it to the camera. "I just happened to have taught Garrick Olivander everything he knows."

Back at the fight club, Snape is preparing to demonstrate the crucio spell. "This is a spell which is designed to cause searing agony. Like the killing curse, it is enormously draining for a magic user. My entire class of Gryffindor dunderheads could all say the name and I could not so much as feel a back ache."

At the same time, Stephen King has his own wand out and is shouting, "Crucio! Crucio! Crucio! . . ." over and over again at Snape.

Nothing happens and a moment later, Snape takes away Stephen King's wand. "Give me that, you blazing idiot!"

Stephen King shrinks away from the scary potions master, back to Roland's side.

Roland lights up another smoke, "Aye, a spell which can torture a man so. This shall be a potent weapon."

Snape stands before the camera, "I am not waiting for the countdown, I have places to be other than a ridiculous show like this."

At his side, Bellatrix nags in his ear. "Severus, you traitorous faggot! Let me do the crucio spell!" As a death eater the crucio curse was her speciality; her use of it caused Neville Longbottom's parents to go permanently insane.

Snape grits his teeth, "Bella, shut up."

Then without warning he fires the spell at Robert Daly, who is typing on his laptop. "Crucio!"

Robert suddenly starts convulsing as if he's having a seizure. For the first time ever he actually gets out of his swivel chair, he's in so much agony. And I thought his ass had fused to the seat via osmosis.

Robert convulses, foams and gurgles as the spell lights every pain receptor in his body on fire. The crucio curse is like having a starving hydralisk shoved up one's ass (a peppered hydralisk), a hot needle shoved into the urethra and then being given an acid bath and skullfucked at the same time. Multiply that by about fifteen thousand and you'll almost be as in much pain as crucio can deliver.

Roland Deschain, seeing how Robert is in agony, decides to help. "This witchcraft is monstrous," he says gravely and pulls out his revolver; intending to put Robert out of his misery like a horse with a broken leg.

Cocking the hammer, Roland takes his gun and shoots Robert twice. The heavy fifty calibre bullets strike Robert like a hammer and nearly topple him.

"We are so going to get sued for this," says Geoff just as Snape stops the crucio curse.

Robert, having been put through the worst pain of his life and shot twice by a gun whose barrels are made from the melted down alloy of Excalibur, drops dead like a sack of potatoes.

The camera shifts to show an ambulance speeding towards the fight club.

As paramedics haul away Robert, Bellatrix is laughing and clapping like a little girl at a magic show. "Bravo! Bravo!" she shouts. Laughing eerily, she praises the show, "I love American shows, I love violence and death." She is also a fan of _God of War_.

Snape tries to ignore Bellatrix. Instead he merely comments, "My, I think that may have been excessive."

Meanwhile, the raggedy and psychotic Bellatrix saunters over to Roland with a swagger that's meant to be seductive. "Hello, cowboy," he says playfully; she causes Stephen King to hide behind Roland. "Maybe when the show is over you and I can make hay while the sun shines?"

To make her point, Bellatrix takes her index and middle finger, puts either of them on her cheeks and starts flicking her tongue in and out in a highly suggestive way.

Roland's eyes just widen but he says nothing.

Announcer: _And now the final spell, fiendfyre, a dreadful spell which destroys everything in a sea of living flame. _

The crew has set up a gel dummy, replicating human flesh but Snape will have none of it. "Your safety preparations are highly inadequate," he complains coldly to Geoff, Armand and Max. "The fiendfyre spell is far too destructive to be done indoors."

Geoff shrugs, "Okay, we'll just have to take it outside."

Max agrees with his friend, "I'll get my stuff."

But then predictably things go wrong. Before anything more can be done, Stephen King points a magic wand at the gel dummy and shouts, "_Fyre frei_!"

And with that, all hell breaks loose. A huge billowing column of fire launches out of Stephen's wand, causing the author to panic and drop it.

As the preternatural flames billow and grow, they totally melt the gel dummy and start going out of all control. In seconds, they start to form giant flaming dragons, eagles, dinosaurs and even a Mack Machowitz made of fire.

It isn't long before the conflagration goes wildly out of control. Everyone is running like hell from the fiery beasts and Max is trying to get as much data from his computers before the fire lookalike of Mack goes at him with a fiery hatchet.

Armand is being chased in circles by a duo of fiery stallions and Geoff is using a fire extinguisher to hold back a cannibal-homunculus-crocodile machine made of flame.

"Everyone out, now!" Snape screams as the flames start to light his robes on fire. It's just like at that damn Quiddich match in the first book.

Announcer: _Even though the fire completely burned down the fight club no one was hurt and most of our data came out intact. Thus we'll be shacking up with the Mythbusters for the next few days. _

Mythbusters announcer: _Hey there friend, didn't expect to see you here again. _

Announcer: _Uh, not you_.

MB announcer: _Oh, still sore over last time? You know, we all know that you're actually David Wyndham. _

Announcer: _How dare you! _

MB announcer: _Let's dance, princess_

There's the sound of fisticuffs as the Deadliest Warrior crew talks with the Mythbusters, Jamie and Adam.

"Thanks guys," Geoff pours out gratitude and exhaustion to his two hosts. His hair is scorched and like Adam used to be, he's missing an eyebrow. "We'll try to stay out of your way."

"That's totally cool," says the bespectacled Adam.

"That's right," Jamie concurs behind his walrus moustache, "We'll be spending most of our time at Alameda testing out the myth that if Robin Williams travels faster than the speed of light he'll resurrect the Emperor of the Warhammer 40 K universe and simultaneously transform into his own grandmother."

Behind them, Robin Williams is strapped to the front of the Millennium Falcon, "Let's go ladies, we're burning daylight!" shouts the hyper comedian; who is eager to break the speed of light.

Announcer: _I think I lost a tooth . . . anyhow. We go now to test Randall Flagg's offensive spells! _

In M5, Roland Deschain appears with a magic wand of his own. "Though I may require a wand for this accursed magic, Flagg may do it with a wave of his hand."

With a flick of his wand, Roland transforms an Ak-47 on a table into a puppy.

Bellatrix laughs, "Child's play!" she mocks, forgetting her hots for Roland.

Roland fixes a grim smirk on his face. "Be careful what you speak of, for Flagg is a master of transfiguration."

To make his point, Roland waves his wand and says something that sounds like "_Ohai mark!_"

In an instant, Bellatrix convulses and is transformed into Tommy Wiseau, creator of one of the worst and most bizarre movies ever made. Unaware of her transformation, Bellatrix/Tommy protests his/her innocence.

"It's bullshit," she/he protests in that vague, unspecific foreign accent, "I did not torture the Longbottoms." Like everyone was expecting, Bella/Tommy conjures up a water bottle and throws it. "I did not torture them, I did naaaht!" Then, "Oh hi, Roland."

With a wave of his wand Roland turns Bellatrix back into her usual untanned, insane herself.

Shaking her head like a startled dog, Bellatrix checks herself all over. She recounts to herself, "So this Roland, is a murderer, abusive and no problem with hurting women." She looks up and grins with broken, yellow and stained teeth. "Where have you been all my life?"

Roland then does the unthinkable. "Well, I . . . I've never had a woman say those parts of me were attractive before."

Bella gives that insane smile of hers (seriously, the years in Azkeban have not been kind to her) "Well Master Roland, how many innocent people have you killed?"

Roland stutters, "Well, close to sixty, but I . . ."

Before Roland and Bellatrix can do it on camera Stephen King cuts in, "Okay, just go to commercial."

_Commercial Break_

_Warning: This commercial contains graphic content. In response to the cancellation of the Show Deadliest Warrior, the bloggers have all gone on strike and have become male strippers. _

_The screen starts showing a glimmering psychedelic field. A caption appears that reads, "Master of the Boot." Master of the Boot looks to be about twenty with dark brown hair and eyes. He's relatively fit and he's wearing a pink speedo and a flower in his hair. He smiles as he spins around the brass pole. It's like he's making love to it. _

_Soon, captions appear detailing the names of every blogger_

_Monopolyman aka Afanofsparta keeps his shirt on because this light brown haired college student is afraid to strip, and he can afford to lay off the Twinkies for a few weeks. He then uses a gun to extort money from the audience. _

_Ares is a Dutch man dressed like an eleventh century knight and requires two helpers to allow him to get properly naked. People scream in pain as he throws his armor this way and that but based on those sculpted abs it's worth it. Seriously, you could use him as a cheese grater_

_And the great blogger Vercingetorix has a great body, unfortunately he's stripping so slowly that he'll be done getting naked by next year. _

_You may return to your regularly scheduled programming_

Announcer: _And back to the show, where we test out Flagg's lethal tarot cards. _

Stephen King appears in the middle of a dusty pit area full of bones. Stephen gives a quick rundown of the cards. "During battle, Randall or Walter is capable of using these tarot cards to either predict the future or kill someone."

To make his point, Stephen draws out, "The sailor," he reads, pulling out a card showing a drowning sailor.

Then, seeing a lizard on a rock, Stephen throws the card at the unlucky reptile. Flying out, the card comes to life. A massive tidal wave sweeps out and engulfs the lizard and half the camera and sound crew, probably dragging them into their deaths as all the mass of water is drawn back into the card; which then falls to the ground.

Max and Geoff nod, while Armand cringes at the now dead camera and sound men stuck inside the card.

The next card is the lady of shadows, a two faced women with a single eye who is both crying and laughing. The guys have set up a pig carcass on a stand. Stephen throws the card at the pig. Snape looks on expectedly.

Without warning, black tentacles grab the pig and rip it off its hook. Deranged female laughter—or is it crying?—permeates the air and without warning, the pig is sucked into the card. Moments later, a veritable geyser of blood and shredded pork goes flying up into the air and the card once more falls silent.

Now the final card, Death, represented by a skeleton in knight's armor on horseback running over a king leisurely.

Stephen King throws the final tarot card at an M1-Abrams tank that's been conveniently donated to the show by a fan in the army. That fan's superior officers will be so pissed off.

In what looks like a flash of green light, the Tank crumbles into dust and thus the test ends.

Stephen stands self-satisfied, "And that concludes by Flagg is the deadliest dark sorcerer. Now if I can just . . ." He's about to pick up the Lady of the Shadows card when he sees that Bellatrix is having a conversation with it. Not wanting to tangle with Bella, he says, "Uh, let's wait for her to finish."

Snape appears before the camera, "Those cards were . . . adequate to defeat an ordinary enemy but you will find that the Dark Lord is far from an ordinary adversary. He is a powerful wizard rivalled only by Albus Dumbledore."

As he's finishing his speech, Snape gets hit by a bolt of directed lightning and collapses.

Off to the side, Stephen King smirks as he holds up his magic wand. Roland leans over to him, "You shouldn't have done that. He will kill you."

"What?" says Stephen, suddenly worried.

The scene shifts back to the three hosts

"So who took the offensive?" Max asks

"I've got to say that Voldemort wins this round," Geoff states, "Avada Kedavera gives him an instant kill and fiendfyre is pretty potent."

"That's true," Max concedes, "But the killing curse requires precise aiming and fiendfyre requires great concentration to control or else it kills the user."

"There's also the fact that the tarot cards can attack remotely, in case Flagg gets hit with crucio," Armand points out.

It's very clear to the three hosts. It wasn't easy but Lord Voldemort gets this one.

Edge: Voldemort

Announcer: _Coming up, the two foes test out their animal companions_

Back at M5 industries, the crew are fitting in quite well. They are being clean and respectful about staying at the Mythbusters place.

Roland has some leather gloves and is holding a wild wolf on a leash. The beast seems wary and tense so nobody makes any sudden moves.

"This is a gray wolf," Roland explains. He bears an uncanny resemblance to the four legged killing machine next to him; it turns Bellatrix on. "In my world these are some of the most common predators; plaguing farmers, hunters and unguarded children."

The wolf looks around, oblivious to what the humans are saying.

"This is a wild wolf," says Roland, "And Marten has been known to use them to perform his bidding."

Roland turns to Snape; having quashed his ego long ago Roland has no problems working with the rivals to achieve his ends. "Professor Snape, if you please."

Snape nods and waves his wand, "Of course." And like a flick of a light switch, Krusty the Klown appears in the middle of the workshop.

"Hey-hey!" shouts the greasy clown, only to realize that he's been teleported away. "The hell is this?" Krusty demands.

Roland smiles, "Husky, attack!" and he lets the wolf off its leash. Husky the wolf needs no prompting and without warning he pounces on Krusty and starts mauling him.

Naturally, Krusty starts screaming and rolling around as the wolf rips into him. It's all very heart warming.

Geoff seems thrilled by a clown getting ripped to shreds by a wild wolf and cheers alongside Bellatrix, while Max and Armand are a little more controlled.

Max winces, while Armand turns around and notices that a heavily injured Robert Daly is typing away on Jamie Hynaman's computer. "Jamie will be so pissed off," says Armand.

Mythbusters Announcer: _Meanwhile, while the Deadliest warrior boys have fun at M5, Jamie and Adam have run into trouble. _

The Millennium Falcon sits idle at the runway at Alameda. Robin Williams is still tied to the bow of the ship.

Presently, a few space marines and an Inquisitor from the Warhammer 40K universe have showed up and they don't like what Jamie and Adam are doing.

"What's the problem?" Jamie asks the Inquisitor.

"This is heresy!" says the big human in a suit of power armor who is ridiculously overpowered. "Moving Robin Williams at faster than the speed of light is blasphemy against the Emperor's law and the Imperium of man."

"So what else is heresy?" asks a curious Adam.

In response, the inquisitor pulls out a piece of parchment and unrolls it. It's a long list with a few thousand points but the first few read as such:

_By order of the Imperial Inquisition and the Ordo Malleus_

_Moving Robin Williams past the speed of light is heresy_

_Reading the Twilight series is heresy_

_Eating my sesame cake is heresy_

_Having diabeetus is heresy_

_Having a flat tire is heresy_

_Not having a flat tire is heresy_

_Tampering with the camera in the shower is heresy_

_Being gay is extra crispy heresy_

Adam is astounded by the incredibly arbitrary nature of the list. "That's a lot of heresy."

"Indeed," says the inquisitor, as the Space marines level their weapons. "And planning a heresy is also a heresy." He draws a massive gun. "Therefore you both will die without trail."

"Well, fuck you and the horse you rode in on," Jamie says with outrage. "Get em, buster!"

The space marines and inquisitor look around only to realize that Buster the dummy is pointing a canon at them. Inside the cannon is a Michael Cain impersonator. "I'm fake Michael Cain," says the man with a shitty cockney accent.

The Inquisitor's eyes widen with fear as Buster lights the fuse. One second later the cannon fires and Fake Michael Cain detonates, killing the Inquisitor, his men and their spaceship.

In joy, the Mythbusters give each other a high five.

Announcer: _And back at M5, we see the deadly power of Voldemort's pet snake Nagini_

David baker appears before the camera. He pulls out a vial of green liquid as the camera cuts to a shot of a giant snake ripping into a gel torso.

"This is a sample of venom from the now dead snake nagini." Says Dave. "This venom is a potent mix of anticoagulants, neurotoxins and several magic components which damage a human body in ways that science can't even understand."

"Wolves may be able to take Nagini in numbers but one bite from this snake and Flagg is done for."

Announcer: _but the really dangerous animals have yet to be revealed, like Voldemort's basilisk. _

The camera shows footage of the basilisk attacking students at Hogwarts in _The Chamber of Secrets_.

"To put it in simplest terms, a basilisk is the king of serpents. Hatched from a shell-less chicken's egg and incubated under a toad, this deadly serpent's glare can kill all those who make eye contact and possesses some of the most powerful venom known to the magical world; being able to destroy some of the most hardened magical objects," Snape explains, "The dark lord possessed the power of parseltongue, or the snake language and did command such a beast; even finding a replacement basilisk during the battle of Hogwarts."

"So how do you kill a basilisk?" Geoff wonders aloud.

"The crow of a cockerel is required to kill the basilisk for good or else some form of magic that is impossible to regenerate from. All else will only slow down the beast."

Off to the side, Stephen King is peering inside of a darkened containment chamber. "Well, we've got something better. Come have a look."

Max goes in for a look. The chamber is completely dark, not a bit of visible light; so he has to use a special night vision monitoring set to see what's inside. What's inside scares the shit out of him.

_SLAM!_

Max jumps back as something big and mean throws its weight against the side of the container.

Curious, Armand goes sin for a look as Max steps back in fright. Inside the container is something that looks superficially resembles a centipede.

Armand steps back at the frightening monster. Even in thermal vision it's ugly as sin.

"What is it?" asks Geoff in awe as he peers into the side of the tank.

"That is the demon in the dark," says Roland, "A creature from the Todash darkness, it nearly ate me and my companion for its evening meal."

Roland turns to Snape, "You say your king serpent kills with sight? Well, this creature has no eyes. Its only weakness is light. Even a small amount causes the creature to recoil."

Announcer: _To test out which creature is deadlier, Geoff has "borrowed" the Mythbusters stuff and used it to synthesize the hard yet flexible carapace of the tunnel demon as well as a replica basilisk mouth with working fangs. _

The scene changes to show Geoff finishing welding what looks like a giant mechanical snake mouth. "This thing is designed to close down with six thousand pounds of force." He points to the synthetic fangs that have reservoirs of real basilisk venom attached. "And these fangs will start pumping out venom when the bite meter goes down.

Max walks up to the snake mouth. He leans in, "Wow, Geoff, this is pretty amazing. I—

Max is suddenly cut off as the snake jaws clamp shut on him. He starts screaming for help as the pressure on the snake jaws build. Snape and Roland run forward to give aid, while Bellatrix laughs and claps and hopes that Max will die.

Suddenly from behind a crate, Mack Machowitz appears. "Die Max!" he seethes with fury.

"Stop him!" shout some security guards.

Mack growls with anger and runs into a doorway, but after he runs through the doorway vanishes and the guards are baffled.

Announcer: _Max is unharmed and so our test goes forward. _

Geoff stands before a synthetic replica of the tunnel daemon's outer shell. "This here was made by David Baker," He points to the inside of the tube shaped structure. "We've got an inner layer representing the blood vessels of the creature, then a layer of connective tissue and finally the hard outer shell. Can the basilisk bite through? Let's find out."

Snape takes Armand to the side and protests, "This test is highly inaccurate for our purposes. Can you not find a real basilisk?"

The answer is no, "Sorry, but after the shop burned down we practically have no budget left. Sorry, Snape."

Geoff stands with the _on _switch. "Okay, in three, two, one . . . bite!"

The metallic basilisk fangs clamp onto the armor and there is an ominous creak as the armor struggles to stand up to the mighty jaws.

Everyone watches with baited breath as the metallic jaws struggle. The pneumatic pistons press with all their might

With a signal from Geoff, a semi-injured Max hits a button and venom starts to pump through the fangs.

Geoff cranks the power on the snake jaws, pushing them to the limit of their structural integrity. However after nearly two minutes of this it's obvious that the jaws and venom of the basilisk are inadequate to defeat the armor of the tunnel daemon.

Announcer: _So the three hosts analyze the data gathered. _

"So tunnel daemon beats basilisk and wolves beat snake?" Max asks.

"I disagree," says Armand, "The wolves can kill Nagini but a single bite from her will kill Flagg. Also, Nagini is a horcrux and impossible to destroy by ordinary means."

"But any advantage that Voldemort takes from Nagini is destroyed by the tunnel daemon," Geoff puts in, "And Flagg is capable of casting darkness spells to reverse day and night. So he could use the daemon in any condition."

"It's clear to me," says Max.

Edge: Randall Flagg

Announcer: _Entering the next phase of testing special powers, tempers flare and rivalries clash. _

"Mr. Desmoulins," Roland walks up to Geoff.

"Yeah?" says Geoff.

"the witch Bellatrix has taken my guns and hidden them," Roland says dryly.

"Can't you get them back?"

Roland growls a bit and points over his shoulder with his thumb. Bellatrix cackles, flashing off his back teeth and lack of oral hygiene. In either hand are Roland's revolvers with their sandalwood handles. With a little coo, Bellatrix takes both guns and shoves them down her bra.

Yes, she shoves those cold steel guns between her withered, dried, botched-tattooed and scarred breasts. Azkaban has truly not been kind to her. To fix up those boobies Bellatrix will need some serious lotion . . . to start.

"Well good luck with that," Geoff tells Roland.

The scene shifts to a giant area outside in the parking lot outside of M5 industries. They've chosen to do these tests outside for fear of destroying all of Jamie and Adam's stuff indoors.

Before their eyes, Snape teleports back and forth across the parking lot, appearing on top of cars, on top of telephone poles and all about. "This is apparating," Snape explains between jumps. "This is a procedure wherein a wizard or witch uses magic to open a tube between spaces and dimensions and instantly transports to one areas from another."

Snape pops in and out of existence with a whip like crack. "While it can be blocked by anti-apparition charms, a skilled wizard like the Dark Lord will be able to break through such charms." We see Snape appear on top of the Empire State building, inside a nuclear bunker and even in a ladies bathroom.

Finally he appears back at the parking lot. He looks at Stephen King, "Now how do you respond, Mr. King?"

Stephen King smiles. "I respond by using a trick that Marten uses that I also use to escape my ex-wife." And with that, Stephen King spins on the spot like a ballerina and transforms into a perfect replica of harry potter. Snape's hackles raise at his most famous and most hated student.

Then, Stephen transforms into Albus Dumbledore, Severus Snape and most disturbingly of all, Lord Voldemort himself.

Stephen King then transforms back into himself. "Those disguises are so good I could get all the way into the ministry of magic without breaking a sweat. Hell, I could even turn into Lilly Potter and nobody would know the difference."

"_Avada Kedavera!_" Snape shouts and fires the curse at King. Stephen King shits himself and flinches, the curse deliberately passing only inches from his face.

Snape glares at King and then turns away, to see Roland debating whether or not to jam his hand into Bellatrix's cleavage and pull out his gun.

Roland's hand goes forward . . . and then it stops. He goes forward—and then he stops. And he goes forward and then . . .

Snape continues, "The Dark Lord is also a master of parseltongue, the language of Snakes."

At this point, Stephen King starts laughing at Snape. "Talking to snakes won't do Voldie any good in this fight. He might as well put up a white flag right now!"

But once again, Snape won't tolerate Stephen King's bullshit. Pulling a tape recorder out of his pocket, Snape hits the playa button and a weird hissing comes out. It's snake language for "_Kill Stephen King_."

On cue, hundreds of snakes of all size and species start to swarm on Sephen King. They come out of the grass and they come out of the sewers. A Giant anaconda even turns up out of nowhere and starts eating Stephen King.

Roland walks back to the camera while everyone is trying to keep Stephen King from being Snake chow.

Pulling out a piece of chalk, he walks to a wall and starts drawing. "One of Marten's abilities is to draw a doorway wherever he pleases." It's rather obvious that Roland is drawing a door. "These doors of his can go anywhere, even unto hell itself." Finishing off the door, Roland draws a door knob and opens it.

Max, Geoff and Armand don't see this since they're trying to shoot the giant anaconda that's trying to eat Stephen King, so only Snape is watching. The potions master nods at Roland's knowledge and professionalism.

Roland opens the door to reveal a vista of Hell from doom. As a big cyber demon wlaks towards them, Roland closes the door and opens it again. This time the door opens up to the inside of the Ishimura from Dead space. A necromorph runs at the team but Roland closes the door in time.

The process is repeated several more times. He opens the trans dimensional door to reveal Jurassic Park, the inside of the Spancer Mansion full of zombies, the swirling atomic hell of an exploding star and even Bikini Bottom.

SpongeBob gives his weird little laugh and Roland closes the door for the last time.

Snape strokes his chin thoughtfully. "These abilities are rather potent."

"Indeed," agrees Roland, "Though I would say that the match is fairly close."

"I believe that as impressive as this 'walkin dude's' powers are, in this category the Dark Lord comes ahead due to his apparition."

Roland nods, "Aye, we see things the same, Professor. Tell me, do you like riddles?"

Edge: Voldemort.

Announcer: _Stephen King is okay; he got all his shots on a trip to the Isle of Wight. Now, the final round of testing compares these two dark Wizard's defensive tactics. _

In the parking lot in front of the Mythbusters place, Roland points to Stephen King. "Marten has the ability to choose his visage but unlike the common witch or wizard he can transform into several things at once and spread his mind out among them."

Before our very eyes Stephen King transforms into a big flock of Ravens and starts to attack the camera crew. Men run screaming at the claws and beaks of the ravens and desert their posts.

The flock of Ravens swirls around, splitting into various parts before flying back together and turning into Stephen King. The geeky author smirks, "The advantage of this is that if one Raven gets hit by Avada Kedavera, you still survive because your intelligence is distributed, much like the horcruxes."

King adjusts his glasses, "Though if a raven is killed you will be injured, you could lose an hand or foot but you won't die. So take that, Mr. Killing Curse."

Roland pats his buddy on the back, "Aye, and Marten can also transform into locusts or a large carnivorous monster. For the best defense is a good offense."

Bellatrix laughs at Stephen King, "Look at the little man with a tiny dick, look at his pathetic parlor tricks."

In response to STehpen King's transformation, Bellatrix casts a transparent shield over herself.

Seeing this as his chance, Snape starts to fire curses, hexes and spells at Bellatrix's shield, to no effect. Every attack hits her spell and reverberates like a gong.

When Snape has attacked enough, Bella lowers the shield and it transforms into a large mass of water that splashes on the ground. "The _aqua scutum_ is a highly advanced defensive form. It'll block nearly anything except the killing curse. It can even shield from the confundus curse. The only problem is that you can't attack with it."

Snape interrupts Bellatrix. "The Dark Lord's other defensive power is expillarmus. A simple and easily mastered spell but good for physically knocking back other foes when one is wounded or concussed or in difficulty concentrating for more powerful attacks."

Announcer: _Both fighters bring in some rock solid defenses but Flagg has a defense that is also an offense_

The scene is set inside a graveyard in the middle of the night. There's a full moon outside and somewhere a wolf howls. Max is visibly scared in the center of the graveyard and frankly so does Stephen King.

The camera pans to allow us to see the inscriptions on various tombstones like

_Here lies Bevis: He never Scored_

And

_Deadliest Warrior TV Show: your time came too soon_

"I like the ambiance," says Snape conversationally but what purpose do we have for being brought here?"

"This," says Roland, "is one of Flagg's most potent and dangerous spells. It is his power of necromancy and the ability to control the dead that has confounded me time and time again; much like when he resurrected Nort the weed eater."

"Inferri," says Bellatrix in a confused voice.

"Nay, mam," Roland pulls out both guns in in preparation for the final number, "Not inferi. These beasts which Flagg resurrects have both mind and intelligce, but nothing of free will. Their former personalities remain intact as well as their abilities. Flagg uses them as meat shields."

Taking up position by a tomb stone, Roland cocks his revolvers. "These ghasts are impervious to most attacks. I can only kill them because my guns are made from the melted down blade of Excalibur. Likewise, fiendfyre and Avada Kedavera can dispatch them."

The team waits but they don't have to wait long. Soon, a sea of undead hands burst out from the ground, the hosts shudder and Stephen King starts to run like a little pussy.

Very soon it becomes clear that he has good reason to be running.

Bursting out of the ground are a horde of undead. At first glance they appear human, but looking closer you can see their sunken eyes and rigor mortis setting in. Even scarier, the undead start calling out, asking the cast and crew to have a picnic with them. Then all of the ghasts start pulling out kitchen knives and handguns. A few even draw wands for they were wizards in life.

Roland waits no longer and starts opening fire, using the tombstone as cover against bullets. Max, Armand and Geoff all have guns of their own and they shoot them sideways, in that lame so called gangsta style. But unlike Roland's bullets, theirs do nothing.

Bellatrix starts launching fire at the undead, but they don't even seem to notice. Several other curses and hexes don't even phase them but Avada Kedavera causes them to turn to dust. However this powerful spell is inadequate for crowd control when the crowd has no sense of self preservation.

Things look like they might get out of hand when Snape lays down the fiendfyre. Nearly all of the undead are burned to a crisp. A few who are wizards and witches rise above the flames but are shot down by Roland.

When all is said and done, Snape and Roland bow to each other. Then for no apparent reason, Roland's underwear flies off as if it's on a string.

Roland snaps up in surprise and grabs his backside. Turning around, he sees that Bellatrix has used her magic to snatch the tidy whities off of him. Roland can only wince in horror as Bellatrix sniffs his underwear.

Announcer: _And so now the Fight club has been rebuild and we can now leave the Mythbusters workshop until everything somehow manages to get destroyed again. But just so you know, Randall Flagg so took the edge here. _

Jamie and Adam have arrived back at M5 Industries to say goodbye to Max, Armand and Geoff. "Hey guys, thanks for showing up and keeping the place clean while we were away," Adam bids.

"Yeah," adds Jamie, "You cleaned up all your messes, because god knows Adam and I had enough stress out in Alameda."

Geoff speaks for himself and his crew, "Hey Jamie, it was our pleasure. What kind of trouble did you have?"

A voice comes from behind them, "Not so far, you tit-fucking heretics!" Everyone spins around to see an Inquisitor of the Ordo Heriticus with guns drawn and three other inquisitors backing him up. "You killed an Inquisitor and propelled Robin Williams beyond the speed of light. Also you use too much toilet paper; thus you must all die!" The Inquisitor and his friends raise their bolters and lasguns but Jamie and Adam stand fast. There's no way they're going to let some half-baked space fascists tell them what to do.

"You can eat shit and die!" Jamie proclaims. "Buster, hit it!"

Everyone turns to see Buster the dummy operating a large cannon. Jammed into the barrel of the cannon is a gasoline soaked raccoon.

The Inquisitor screams as Buster fires the cannon. The gasoline soaked raccoon instantly kills the Inquisitor and his narrow minded friends.

Grinning from ear to ear, Adam stands over the burning corpses of the Inquisition and says his creed proudly. "I reject your reality and substitute it with my own, motherfuckers!"

Mythbusters announcer: _And with that little trouble taken care of, the Deadliest Warrior boys are on their way once again_

Shows an animation of the three hosts jumping into a pickup truck and driving away.

Back at the fight club, everything is shiny and new, even the gun racks and weapons cases are in full condition. ,

Snape, Roland, Stephen King and Bellatrix all crowd around Max and his computer panels. Across the screens, green _Matrix_ like patterns dance to and fro like rain on a windshield .Punching in the right program, Max grabs a great big jack and holds it over a socket. "It's time," he grins, and plugs it in.

It has begun

Simulation:

_Somewhere in Great Britain, Hogwarts Castle_

The Battle for Hogwarts rages. The Castle of the four founders, which has stood for over a thousand years of wizard history, is now under attack.

Their numbers are seemingly endless. They are many and diverse but they are united in their obedience to the one true Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. It is Lord Voldemort alone of all the great Dark Wizards in history who deserves truly the title of Dark Lord.

Voldemort watches with cold, red eyes as his forces lay siege to the castle. Among his number there are wizards, giants, dementors and a hundred and one other creatures who have thrown in their lot with the cause.

At a first glance, Voldemort's pureblood supremacy policy might not look the best to attract such a diverse array of followers, but the ministry of Magic's years of abusing and reducing non-human magical beings to second class citizens is one weakness that Voldemort can exploit.

Spells rocket through the sky and smash against the wall. Hogwarts has many defenses. From a purely physical standpoint it has some of the finest defenses of any castle in Europe, magic or mundane. Yet the castle's magical defenses are a thousand times greater. There is no magical place safer in all of Europe. Yet the Dark Lord has prepared.

All around the castle, several moats have formed where earlier there was only grass. These moats are filled with molten lava, shark infested waters and even a muddy moat filled with ravenous graboids that snatch up any ground forces.

Superseding all of these defenses is a gigantic force field cast by the students and teachers of the school. The force field is like a great quilt, made of differing colors and textures but just the same it stands up to all magical attacks.

Giants hammer at the force field with hammers that weigh twenty tons. Dementors scale the shield like lizards on glass. Vampires claw at it with rabid fury and scores and scores of wizards fire hex after hex, curse after curse at it.

High above it all are Voldemort and his inner circle of followers, the Death Eaters. A circle of figures, all clad in black robes and wearing silver skull masks. They are the Dark Lord's inner circle, his most skilled and most loyal followers. Though some, like the Malfoys have begun to fall out of favor.

Voldemort watches the initial attack. Those wizards and witches down there are only cannon fodder, enthusiastic volunteers who have deluded themselves into thinking that they can earn a share in the glory of the pure blood wizard race when they themselves are barely better than the muggle swine.

Down by the wall, Wizards and witches fall by the score to spells cast from inside the protective bubble of Hogwarts castle. They are slowly cut down as their spells can do no damage to the shield of Hogwarts. The dementors twitch and fall to the ground as if electrocuted and the hammers of the giants go molten and burn their hands. The vampires fall back as bright laser like beams shoot from the shield and strike them down.

All of this is to weaken the shield. Send in the cannon fodder to test the waters and defenses.

One group of followers finds that the ground underneath them has turned into a massive trap door. They fall into a pit where they are impaled on twelve foot iron spikes; a little something installed by Godric Gryffindor.

Another trapdoor pit opens up and Voldemort's followers are drawn into a cyclone full of razor blades and broken glass. The attackers have the meat stripped from their bones in seconds.

As this occurs, an army of slow mutants charges into the fray. These shambling beasts are painfully stupid and spend nearly all their lives in pain; hence they have very little sense of self preservation.

They charge Highland style, with daggers, swords and enchanted shields to give them a fighting chance against magical opponents. They fall into the Hogwarts pit traps. However the mutants are numerous enough that they can actually clog up these traps built a thousand years ago by the founders.

From high on, Voldemort smells change in the wind. He can feel the shield flickering. The defenders, while well entrenched are too few; even with their numbers bolstered by traitorous students of the House Slytherin. The shield will fall sooner or later. All it needs is the right push in the right place.

Thus, the Dark Lord turns to his followers and upon one man in particular. It's not hard to know which man the Dark Lord silently addresses.

Among the ranks of the Death Eaters, he is the only one without a mask. For what need had Marten Broadcloak of a mask; to hide his crimes?

Broadcloack's long hair and moustache flutter in the wind. From behind their costumes, the Death Eaters look upon Marten with both jealousy and fear. They look on him with the emotions of the weak and cowardly.

Marten feels the envy and resentment and drinks it all in. They hate him because he's risen to the top as Voldemort's right hand man. And he gained that position with a combination of raw talent and unrelenting ass kissing. For the Dark Lord has a massive ego and treasures anything which will gratify it. Marten, for that is his current name; is not above a little brown nosing.

Marten knows what his employer desires and so he delivers.

Drawing a design in the air with his long but robust fingers, Marten soon creates a bow out of pure energy. Taking the energy bow in one hand, Marten reaches into his cloak and pulls out an arrow that seems to be made of human bone.

Instead of an arrow head, the arrow is tipped with the skull of a poisonous snake. Notching his bow, Marten is sure to take careful aim.

The winds blow and dark clouds cover the sky as Marten pulls back the string and lines up a shot. Really, it's just like golfing.

As the arrow flies, lightning cracks down from the heavens and slams into the shield. Cracks appear across the previously impervious defense. Inside the castle, the defenders of Hogwarts look up in fear as the shield cracks.

Through the cracks of the shield flies Marten's arrow. It flies straight and true until it buries itself in the eye of Neville Longbottom. With the gory shaft sticking out the back of his head, Luna Lovegood is splattered in Neville's blood and brains and she screams just as the boy she knew and loved falls dead.

From his distant vantage point, Broadcloak smiles; his face twisting into a most unpleasant thing. He scored first blood for their side.

Cracks appear all over the shield and the bone arrow does its work. Pulses come out of it like sound waves. They vibrate faster and faster until the great shield just shatters like a crystal goblet.

Marten cracks a smile at his master, Voldemort but Voldemort does not return the smile in turn. If anything, he seems annoyed by Marten's cheerful attitude. Never trust a man that is happy.

And so, the forces of the Dark Lord attack. And Marten smiles and takes a moment to stroke his dangling moustache. On a nearby tree he spots a bird, and easy as 1,2,3, he uses a simple spell to kill the chirping nuisance.

However, Marten has something deeper in mind. These Death Eaters are like like the cool kids crowd in high school. They all think they're hot shit but really they're just mindless peons. The only reason they kill is because of the same reason as the rest of the human race . . . peer pressure.

But as Marten joins the rest of the Death Eaters in battle to slaughter every living thing in Hogwarts.

_Later_

The invasion of Hogwarts has been . . . less than successful. Blood has been spilled on both sides, quite literally. The soles of the Dark Lord's feet are still sticky with blood.

Before him stands his most successful servant, Severus Snape. For years Snape has been his eyes and ears within Dumbledore's petty resistance. Now it's time for Snape to render one final service.

Voldemort's slitted eyes turn to wand he holds. "The Elder wand does not obey me, Severus."

"My lord," Snape bows, "You have done amazing things with this wand."

"I am an amazing Wizard," Voldemort sneers at his follower, "But the wand only obeys he who has defeated its last owner." In a disturbing moment, Voldemort's eyes blink with a transparent nictitating membrane. "And Dumbledore was the previous owner, and you killed him."

Realizing what is happening, a moment of shock appears on Snape's face but Voldemort is too good.

With a wave of his hand, the ground beneath them transforms into a giant spike that impales Snape.

Nagini the serpent starts to slither up to Snape, drawn by the scent of fresh meat. But suddenly, Voldemort turns the wand on her snake and shouts "Avada Kedavera!".

And in a flash of green light, not only is the snake killed but the horcrux hidden inside her is destroyed as well.

Voldemort turns around only to see . . . .himself?

Voldemort stands before "Voldemort" quaking with fury, "You would betray me of all people, _Marten_." The last word is ground out with such rage. For once, the cool and collected Dark Lord is about to lose it. His sharp teeth are bared and his clawed hands shine in the dim moonlight.

Most wizards and witches would piss themselves with fear to behold the great Lord Voldemort in such a state of rage, but to Randall Flagg it's all just a monstrous joke. Flagg grins, wearing Voldemort's looks and appearances. Grotesquely, he pushed out a bloated, infected tongue and licks his lips. "Marten, Flagg, Frank Fontaine, The Drode: I have many names." He laughs, a high tittering laugh that causes spiders in their webs to curl up and die. "This is just what muggles like to call identity theft."

Flagg however has shown a fatal weakness; hubris. Though he's stolen Voldemort's wand and copied his features, the old snake still can strike.

Just as Flagg raises the elder wand to give the killing curse, Voldemort reacts. "_Accio wand!_" he shouts. It's a summoning spell; very elementary but its' quick.

And before Randall can say "ka-tet" the wand flies out of his hands and into those of Voldemort.

"Avada Kedavera!" Voldemort shouts, but his enemy is one step ahead. Instantly, Flagg's body turns into a mass of blood eyed ravens. The birds caw and fly up in a single mass. They smash through the roof and reform back into the treacherous Voldemort/Flagg.

Nostrils filled with the smell of the kill, Flagg calls to the heavens and sends down a little present for little Tom Riddle. From the clouds, a massive bolt of lightning hits the small shack and blasts it into oblivion.

Flagg laughs in victory. He'd like to see some bastard put up a defensive spell strong enough to block an elemental force like the lightning.

Suddenly, Flagg's shrill laughter is cut off as he starts to scream in agony. Suddenly it's as if every torment he's visited on others in his unnaturally long life is catching up to him. Flagg plummets to the ground like a stone. Luckily, a thorn bush cushions his fall, and shreds the hell out of his skin in the process.

Suddenly, the pain stops and Flagg manages to get on his knees. He's bleeding and injured and before he can recover, the crucio curse hits him once more with full force. Flagg has to admit, nothing causes as much pain as this curse. While other forms of torture desensitise the nerves, this does not; you still feel as much pain five hours in as you do at the start. It's the closest thing to hell on earth you can imagine.

The torture stops once more and Flagg falls to the ground, still wearing the face of Lord Voldemort. As he lies on the ground, he starts to cry and then he starts to chuckle. He finds humor in this; and really, he's not afraid.

"Gah!" Flagg's laughter is cut short bu a foot placed firmly on his neck. Towering over him is lord Voldemort, sporting a cruel smirk of his own. He looks down at Flagg, pleased with just how small his enemy looks.

As Flagg continues to silently weep, he knows perfectly well the malicious intent in Voldemort's eyes. He knows it because he's felt the same thing a hundred million times over a billion crimes committed over the years.

Yet Flagg refuses to go silently in that good night. He's raped, he's murdered, he's even dressed up like a clown and terrorized Gotham City as an anarchist; if he dies now, then he'll have to regret not committing a million more terrible crimes.

From inside his sleeve, Flagg can feel his trusted tarot cards. "Do your worst, chicken shit," he taunts Voldemort.

"AVADA KEDAV—

"AH!" Flagg cries out in rage and fury as he throws his deadly tarot cards at the incestuous last son of Slytherin.

Voldemort cannot finish his spell as suddenly a two faced woman jumps off the card and lunges at him with a quad of daggers. Not a pair, a quad of daggers; four deadly daggers with their home in the enemy's heart.

With no time to react, Voldemort activates the _aqua _scutum spell. The shield vibrates like a gong as the two faced Lady of Shadows strikes. One face cries while the other laughs and for the first time Voldemort feels real fear as the four daggers shatter his shield.

Before the lady of shadows can kill the Dark Lord, Voldemort apparatus a safe distance away. Yet as any fool can tell you, when Randall Flagg is involved safety is an illusion.

Voldemort apparates some fifteen miles away but the card the sailor is waiting for him. In no time, the Dark Lord is swamped by a lethal tidal wave. Voldemort tries to scream but his lungs are filled with water. Clenching his wand tight, Voldemort activates the fiendfyre spell nonverbally; a feat only performed by the most skilled wizards.

Instantly, the water is full of fire beasts and serpents. The water turns to steam instantly and the sailor card is burned from the inside out.

Voldemort lets out a long, loud scream as the card is destroyed. Let that be a lesson to all who would fuck with the Dark Lord. For all who wish to attack the Dark Lord must do so by first climbing over the twenty foot tall high pile of corpses of previous attackers.

A loud and whistle turns Voldemort away from his latest kill. He sees the imposter, Marten, Flagg, whatever the fuck his name is.

One moment, Flagg is wearing Voldemort's face and in the next he transforms so that he looks exactly like Harry Potter. Everything is the same as Harry potter, even the scar. Still, Harry Potter never had such a look of naked greed and malice on his face; nor did Harry ever hold such sadism so close to his heart. "What's the matter, Tom," Flagg taunts his enemy wearing the face of the boy who lived, "Too kind and gentle to fight back?" he pretends to cringe and whimper as he says this.

Voldemort grinds his teeth until he's almost sure that they are going to crack into little pieces. He squeezes the Elder Wand so hard that it nearly breaks. Voldemort feels hate so strongly that it hurts him.

"_AVADA KEDAVERA!"_ he screams with all his might. Instead of a beam of light, it comes out as a great bolt of green light the size of a tree trunk.

Before it can hit, Flagg transforms into a swarm of locusts and flies away, though some of the locusts are destroyed.

The power of this killing curse is so great that vaporizes a tree and destroys the card the Lady of shadows.

Flagg transforms back into himself after transfiguring his body into a swarm of locusts; but he is wounded. Flagg's hand is missing. He bleeds and though the wound can be repaired through magic, Flagg feels molten fury at Voldemort. He intends to show that snake cunt who the real terror is. The gloves are off now.

Voldemort flies through the forbidden forest like an avatar of death. He is death, because the only way to beat death is to become death. You have to kill or be killed; law of the jungle.

As he flies through the forbidden forest to find the traitor Marten Broadcloak, Voldemort is attacked by a pack of wolves. A quick blast of fiendfyre quickly takes cares of the wolves and Voldemort keeps searching. No man has stood up to him so blatantly, not even Harry Potter.

For the moment, Voldemort doesn't care about his Death Eaters, those pathetic clingers on, nor the foolish boy who defied him, Potter; all he cares about is killing Flagg. All he cares about his killing the traitor.

Voldemort scans around the dark and forbidding forest. The shadows are thick and the area is full of magic creatures, so getting a lock on Flagg will be difficult

Flagg is hidden, daring his prey to come to him; but in this hunt the role of hunter and hunted are interchangeable. Who is hunting whom?

Voldemort lowers himself to the ground, like a cobra concealing itself from its prey. Ever so quietly he begins to hiss a message to the snakes.

His words, magnified by magic reach the ears of all the serpents in the great forest, including the king of all serpents.

Voldemort slithers in the grass like the creatue that he so loves.

Flagg himself is high up in a tree. He's back to looking exactly like Voldemort. Unlike Tim, Randall has managed to locate his quarry. But just as he's ready to deliver a killing blow, a snake bites Randall's hand.

It's a small snake, only a common garter snake; Flagg hisses ever so slightly; and for the Dark Lord he might as well have shouted his presence.

"Avada Kedavera!" A green bolt of light shoots out at the branch where Flagg is crouching.

Flagg dodges the shot and hits the tree he's standing on. The tree dies instantly, the leaves all fall off and the wood starts to rot.

The branch under Flagg breaks but as he falls he transforms into something that looks like it's half man and half thestral.

Swooping down like a hawk, long talons reach for Voldemort; ducking and diving to avoid spells and hexes.

Voldemort manages to apparate out of the way, but it was a close shave. He winces as he puts a hand to the massive gash across his chest. It's not serious but it's proof that he can be killed; and frankly that scares the shit out of poor Tom riddle.

Flagg's laughter rings through the forest, twice as loud now since he's turned himself into a flying demon. "Your horcruxes are all gone, Tom! Potter destroyed them."

Voldemort stares at his wound with disbelief.

Flagg's voice manages to snap Voldemort back into action. He hisses and poises himself to strike. He can already hear the call of his most lethal servant. Just let that fool Broadcloak babble a bit longer.

The demon-broadcloak launches himself at Voldemort with claws fully extended.

Without warning, something huge rips out of the ground and throws Marten off his flight plan. Slamming into the ground, Marten looks up to see a gigantic green pillar and just in the nick of time he covers his eyes with his hands.

The mighty basilisk rears up and roars, bearing its fangs for all to see. The one under the chamber of secrets was killed, but Voldemort just happened to find himself a new one and it has been quite faithful.

Flagg cowers before the hideous serpent, whose very eyes are lethal.

The monster starts to bow its head, intending to devour its master's enemy with one gulp but the Walkin' Dude had other plans.

Raising his hands, the world is suddenly shrouded in darkness. A black, impenetrable veil descends that no eye can pierce. It throws off the basilisk's aim just enough so that Flagg can avoid its gaping maw.

Focusing his keen senses, Voldemort can hear something approaching, something that seems to both slither and move along on multiple legs.

The tunnel demon slams into the basilisk with the force of an oncoming freight train. It's a hideous thing and just as fortunate that it's too dark to see it. It looks like the bastard lovechild of a centipede and a tumor with armor as thick as a battle tank.

The basilisk and the tunnel demon twist and writhe, trying to get leverage over the other. The basilisk bites and bites but the demons' thick exoskeleton blocks all efforts. The same cannot be said for the scales of the basilisk and the sharp mouthparts of the tunnel monstrosity. The tunnel dweller rips into the basilisk, inflicting deep but nonlethal wounds. Snake's blood showers the ground, poisoning all that it touches.

Basilisk venom splatters on the ground, actually causing small fires. This has an instant effect, as it causes the blind tunnel demon to writh and shy away from the light. The basilisk suddenly has a chance.

While these two titanic monstrosities fight it out, Voldemort and Flagg are battle tooth and tooth. Hexes and curses fly and the result of their battle carves a giant scar across the forbidden forest. Rocks are ground to dust, trees splinter into a trillion parts and the force of colliding spells causes mini black holes to form and this shreds the fabric of time and space.

It's narcissistic murdering psycho versus bloodthirsty sociopathic funny man. Only one will walk away.

Sparks fly and steel clashes. Both Voldemort and Flagg have conjured up their own swords and are now duelling in the air, on land and everywhere in-between. Two blades forged of dark magic clash against one another.

Two identical figures, only their facial expressions set them apart. Tom's face is alight with pure fury; he's the top dog defending his throne. Flagg's face is alight with glee. For him this is better than sex; no one lives forever so he may as well do as much damage as he can before he goes out. He longs only to spill blood, even the blood of the forces of chaos and darkness.

Flagg is able to get a lucky strike in. With one misstep on Voldemort's part, the Elder Wand is sliced in half.

Voldemort howls in horror; for he's always loved material possessions in a way that he's never loved people. Flagg screams in glee; for he loves nothing better than to smash something that's precious and/or beautiful.

Pushing in for the final deathblow, Voldemort takes the sword on both hands. The sword turns red hot and melts. From the molten slag of the sword comes a wave of fiendfyre which profligates and burns everything. The fiendfyre burns hotter than napalm and transforms the forest into hell on earth.

Smoke chokes the atmosphere and the great basilisk and tunnel demon are burnt to a crisp.

As he holds the fire in his hands, Voldemort's eyes bulge out. The blood vessels in his eyes rupture and he bites his lip hard enough to draw blood.

He walks from out of the fire. It neither burns him nor inconveniences him. All that he is missing is a pale horse, for he is death.

Randall Flagg, the man of a million names and no name at all strikes resplendent in his cowboy boot and denim glory.

His eyes are pitch black, like holes cut into a mask. They suck in all light and energy. His ragged, sucking breaths are the same as a dementor; sucking out all life, light and happiness from the world.

Randall says nothing; instead, he just raises his hands as if to say, "Is that all you got?"

Voldemort feels fear, he feels anger, he feels hate. He will destroy this vermin; it'll be as satisfying as flushing the toilet.

"THIS IS MY WORLD!" Voldemort screams not only to Flagg but to every single living soul on this desolate, shitty planet called earth. "MY WORLD!"

And in that moment of foaming at the mouth, unadulterated, stinking bestial rage; Lord Voldemort sees something that strikes terror into the very heart of his being.

There riding through the flames is the last tarot card: death.

It is a knight in black armor. No shiny plate for him; it's all clad in clinking chain mail and worn leather. The visor of his helmet is lifted, revealing a skull. Though it has no eyes, it looks directly at Tom Marvolo Riddle, last of the house of Slytherin.

The figure on the white horse raises its wand and with that, Lord Voldemort begs for his life. "I don't want to die!" he pleads.

"_Avada Kedavera_." Says _Death_ dispassionately.

There is a flash of green light . . .

It's over.

The fire dies, the body falls to the ground it's done. Do not pity the dead, pity the living.

Epilogue:

Flagg stands triumphant. After transfiguring himself to look exactly like good old Lord Voldie nobody suspects a thing. He has stolen the throne from Voldemort, the Dark Lord; and if little Harry Potter thinks that old snakeskin was bad, wait until they get a load of old Randall.

Still, Flagg really ought to thank Harry. For it was Flagg who pulled Harry's strings, allowing him to destroy the horcruxes undetected; doing Randall's dirty work.

Yet in the middle of his greatest triumph, Flagg feels a cold feeling take him. It's a horrible feeling and one that he's only too familiar with.

His master is calling him. Not the Crimson King, nor John Farson nor Emperor Mengsk. His real master is calling.

His master is the forgotten chaos God, the outcast god.

Few know his master's real name. Some call him the Dark Voice, some call him Malal. Even the four chaos gods do not know his true name and identity.

He is feared by even the most wicked, the most depraved and the least sane; and Randall Flagg is definitely afraid of his master. For the bonds are rarely forged voluntarily on the servant's part and are impossible to break. He was drawn to Flagg by his indiscriminate and chaotically destructive nature.

Flagg feels the same fear that gripped Voldemort when he saw _Death_. Tony Jay has got work for him to do.

_Somewhere in the 40K Universe_

"Raah! Warboss!" the green skinned Ork soldier bellows at said warboss. "There's a humie in our camp and e's killed about two 'undred of us."

"What!" shouts Warboss Grimskull, in a crude cockney accent, "Gett outta my way, you useless slag!"

The great big Ork boss charges down to the middle of the Ork base camp, where a figure stands atop an incinerated heap of ork corpses.

Flagg steps down from the heap to greet the Warboss; he's now assumed his Samir Duran form. "Greetings, Warboss Grimskull."

"Waaagh! Whaddya want?" Grimskull is not one for conversation.

"Simply," says Duran, "I could like to pay you five hundred euros to attack the Zerg Swarm."

Five 'undred euros?" Girmskull waves a giant mechanical claw at Duran, "You won't see penny one from me, you slag!"

"No, you fucking idiot," Duran insists, "I will be paying you, not the other way around."

Grimskull is at a loss, nobody's ever paid him for anything before. "Uhhhh . . . . can I get some Cheetos?"

Duran waves hand and a bowl of Cheetos magically appears, "As you wish."

Grimskull stares stupidly at Duran. "Right, the Zerg . . . . WAAAAGH!" He turns around and starts running . . . somewhere. He didn't even take the Cheetos with him.

Duran just groans. With any luck, these stupid orks will do their job.

_**RANDALL FLAGG WINS! **_

_**Fatality! **_

Stats:

Voldemort:467 kills

Defensive-expillarmus and aqua scutum: 0 kills

Offensive-Avadera Kedavera: 99 kills Crucio: 0 kills fiendfyre: 180 kills

Special powers-parsel tongue: 55 kills apparating: 0 kills

Animal companions-Nagini: 35 kills Basilisk:100 kills

Randall Flagg: 533 kills

Defensive-Necromancy: 173 kills illusion casting: 0 kills

Offensive-Deadly Tarot cards: 150 kills transfiguration:40 kills Controlled lightning:25 kills

Special Powers- shape shifting: 22 dimensional travel : 44 kills

Animal companions-wolves:29 kills tunnel demon: 150 kills

Geoff Desmoulins appears before the camera. "While Voldemort took the edge in offensive spells, for Flagg, every single spell in his arsenal was in some way offensive."

Armand appears next. "The power of necromancy factored heavily into Flagg's favor; a loyal army with no sense of self preservation. Also, the fact that his defenses were actually lethal was a big help to him."

Professor Snape shows up next. "I'm not the least bit disappointed," he admits. "I'm glad beyond measure that the Dark Lord is dead, both in real life and on this show."

Bellatrix does not share his sentiments. Instead of talking about her frustration, she moans and shrieks like a banshee, while using her wand to blow up shit that is very expensive.

Then like the idiot he is, Stephen King decides to taunt Bellatrix. "Hey skank, who's the greatest wizard of all time now?" He crosses his arms and adjusts his glasses.

Shrieking like a wild wounded animal, Bellatrix throws a spell on Stephen King. He screams as his body and soul are sucked into a nearby DVD copy of _Braking Dawn_ of the _Twilight _series.

The camera pans around to show Roland heading for the exit. "I am leaving. There is too much madness on this show." He turns around briefly, "Are you coming, Severus?"

"Coming, Roland," replies Snape. And the two head out to grab some burgers.

Announcer: _And that wraps up this show with the Death of Voldemort. Tune in next week as two Cartoon Icons duke it out! Mickey Mouse vs Peter Griffin!_

* * *

That's all folks. And do you know what the worst part of it was? in the simulation nI forgot to put in Flagg's dimensional travel and his illusion casting. Believe me, these both happen in the media he's in.

That said, I think that my testing was solid and my results made sense. If anything, I hope the fight seemed legitimate. If you disagree at all please don't hesitate to call me out on it. Also I'm still taking requests.

Also the scene with Grimskull and Samir Duran is a nod to my friend Deadliestfan, who on his blog posted an Alex Mercer versus Sarah Kerrigan match which is badass. It's better than my work. Check it out.

Love you all :D

Ta

Master of the Boot


	20. Peter Griffin vs Mickey Mouse

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Mickey Mouse vs. Peter Griffin

Disclaimer: I do not own family guy or Disney

* * *

The disclaimer appears on the screen and then appear the three hosts. "The debate between modern and new, pop and retro has always been around," says Geoff.

"And there's fewer new and popular shows than family guy," Armand supplies.

The screen flashes to show Peter Griffin. He gives us his trademark idiot laugh.

The scene changed back to the hosts. "Peter Griffin is very popular," says Max, "But what classic cartoon character would be worthy to take him in a fight?"

The screen changes to show a TV set. Bugs Bunny appears on it, "_What's up, Doc_?" he asks, right before the camera pans out and Goofy smashes the TV to pieces with a hammer.

Goofy looks at the camera as the remains of the TV sparks and sputters, "Bugs Bunny sucks, ahyuk-hyuk." He laughs merrily.

Announcer: _Mickey Mouse!_

Shows the epic mouse himself

_From King of the Kingdom hearts to fighting the phantom blot, he's done it all!_

Shows Mickey in Kingdom Hearts and fighting with his brother Oswald in _epic Mickey_.

Announcer: _Peter Griffin_

Shows Peter fighting the giant chicken

_The king of the school that says that cartoons aren't only for kids. _

The screen changes to show Mickey and Peter fighting to the death in a concrete pit.

Announcer: _Here at the fight club, we bring together war veterans, scientists and experts from across the globe. _

Geoff Desmoulins appears before the camera. "I've got to go with Peter on this one. Mickey was really something in the silent film era but in the modern age of rude, crude, un-PC cartoons a Disney guy like him has no chance."

Announcer: _Our biomedical expert, Geoff Desmoulins, and our computer expert, Max Geiger. _

The curly haired Max appears before the camera. "Geoff is totally wrong on this. Mickey has been around for over ninety years. He's stood the test of time and while he's a nice guy he can put up a fight and outwit the bad guys."

At that moment, Geoff smacks Max with a wooden spoon. "Ow! Fuck! What was that for?"

"You called me wrong," Geoff explains.

Announcer: _Former ER doctor and fight doctor Armand Dorian, provides the voice of reason_.

"There's a lot of reasons to be pro Peter and pro Mickey," the Doc explains. "Peter is has shown the ability to take a lot of punishment but with his obesity he could have a heart attack any moment. And Mickey is nimble but I'm not sure he has the power to take down Peter_._

Announcer: _Two of cartoon kind's greatest faces go head to head_

Mickey and Peter charge, Mickey's got a crowbar and Peter has a hatchet.

_All for the sake of deciding . . . who is_

_**THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!**_

Announcer: _Two famous cartoon characters are about to fight to the death and we're all cheerful about it_.

Geoff is all smiles as he handles an assault rifle. "Come on, we're all happy. Who wouldn't want to see Mickey Mouse get killed?"

One of the guest experts disagrees. Donald Duck, dressed in camo colored clothes and with military medals pinned to his chest starts to spaz at Geoff.

Announcer: _Donald Duck, a former US Marine and veteran of the Vietnam War stands by Mickey's side_.

When Donald speaks, it's almost impossible to tell what he's saying, this gets worse as his emotional state heats up. For viewer's convenience, Donald has subtitles for his words.

"_I served in Vietnam for three tours of duty before being wounded and being sent stateside._" The Duck rubs his throat, remembering long healed war wounds. "_Mickey was with the hippie movement, but he never spat on me or called me bay killer. Instead, he helped me kick my heroin habit_."

Announcer: _but Peter Griffin has on his side the ultimate evil child_

The infamous Stewie appears on camera with a battle-axe in his hands. "To be honest, I rather pity Mickey," Stewie explains. "The fat man may not be the cleverest fellow but I believe that he will still turn Mickey's testicles into his private property."

Behind Stewie, Brian Griffin appears drinking a martini. "I'm supporting Peter because he has practically no nervous system; he won't feel fear or pain and he can't back down. Mickey will kill him and he'll die by Peter's falling corpse." He's considerably less confident in Peter but still thinks Mickey will lose.

Announcer: _Because Goofy is a dumbass we've brought in Mickey's brother, Oswald the lucky rabbit to assist us. _

Oswald appears before the camera, very much looking like he's related to Mickey. He's got more of less the same animation style as Mickey, though with blue instead of red shorts and a very different tail.

"I've known about Mickey for a long time but we've only just met," says Oswald in a warbling, Frank Welker voice, "I admit he and I have issues but when the chips were down he stood by me and we kicked the phantom blot's ass. What Mickey has is that he'd die to do the right thing, while this other guy is taking our culture back to the fifties."

Mickey Mouse:

First Appearance: _Steamboat Willy_

Height: 3'6''

Species: mouse

Weapons: epic paintbrush, keyblade, sorcerer's hat, revolver.

Creator: Walt Disney

Peter Griffin:

First appearance: Family Guy

Height: 5'10

Species: Fat human bastard

Weapons: minigun, death's scythe, steroids, ass-fire

Geoff and the guy stand with the two sets of experts. Oswald and Donald versus Stewie and Brian. "So guys," says Geoff, "who starts first."

Donald steps forward, "_We start first, our team is better!_"

Stewie however has other ideas. "Whoa, Mr. Duck. I think you said that you're team has better but I'm afraid you haven't the right to say that. Anyway, we should go first given that our weapons will thrill the audiences more."

Oswald the rabbit speaks his mind, pushing Donald and Stewie apart. "Hold on ladies and germs, let's flip a coin for it."

Stewie and Donald eye each other before backing off and letting Geoff flip a coin.

Announcer: _And so we go with Mickey's mundane weapon, the Schofield revolver. _

Oswald the rabbit prepares he revolver, loading the gun while the guys set up the testing equipment at the firing range.

Meanwhile Stewie is trying to psych out Donald and it's working.

"Don't look at the camera," says Stewie. Donald tries to ignore the evil baby but all he hears is, "I said don't look at the camera.

Donald shoots Stewie a dirty look but the baby is undeterred.

"There's no point in looking at it. It just makes you look pathetic," Stewie informs him. "Viewer interest; now that's what determines camera focus, who the viewers love the most. In this case they won't even notice you. Did I mention I won an emmy?"

Finally Oswald has finished with the gun and he holds it up. "Gather around everyone, what I've got here is a .45 Smith and Wesson Schofield revolver."

Oswald expertly spins the gun around his finger. He's starting to look like a toon rabbit cousin of Revolver Ocelot. "In use by the United States Cavalry until the end of the Spanish American war, it's powerful and faster to reload than most side arms of its time. Our father Walt Disney used one of these to shoot at leftist college students."

Overhead, birds chip as everything is set to go. In true cartoon fashion, Oswald conjures up a cowboy outfit seemingly from nowhere and gets ready to fire.

Geoff gets the stop watch. "Oswald, are you ready to kick ass like a rabbit?"

"YEE-HAW!" Oswald shouts, ears sticking up through his hat.

With that, Max hits a switch and out of a machine flies a clay pigeon. The clay pigeon sails majestically into the sky before being blown to bits by Oswald's gun.

Several more clay pigeons fly out of the machine, coming fast and low, high and slow. Oswald shoots them all down like a true cartoon marksman.

When the shooting is done, Oswald spins the gun around like a pro and puts it back into the holster—

BANG!

Only for the fun to go off in his pants.

A look of intense pain comes over Oswald's face. "I hurt myself," he says.

Stewie just walks up to Oswald and gives him a pat. "Good job," he says dismissively, "Good work, now get out of here; you bother me."

Announcer: _the next weapon is one that's not only lethal but leaves a raunchy smell in the room_

Brian Griffin appears before the camera with a bottle of vodka. "Now you know that frat boys love fart jokes. Seth has done it to death on the show," he takes a pull of the booze and goes on. A bright smile cracks his face. "And now without further ado, we demonstrate Peter's ability to shoot fire out of his ass!"

Behind Brian, Stewie and weapons master David Baker pull back a curtain to reveal a giant plastic ass.

Stewie smiles and gives David a high five. "Let's give it up for Dave Baker."

Meanwhile, Donald nudges Max, "_What did you guys do before he arrived on the show?"_"

"What?" says Max.

Donald gets pissed, "_I said, what did you do for weapons before him_!"

"Oh," Max realizes, "Before David Baker we stole weapons from yard sales and museums and hoped they were accurate."

Donald looks at Max with disbelief, "_What?"_ he quacks.

Stewie stands showing off the giant plastic ass. "When Peter eats a ton of high fibre food like beans, he can literally shoot fire out of his anus by swallowing a bunch of flints."

The scene shifts and Stewie is shown with goggles and hardhat on while the ass is pointed at an unlucky gelatin dummy.

"Like they say in StarCraft," the baby grins, "Ready to fry."

And with the flick of a button a jet of flaming fart shoots at the dummy. It instantly melts and the same is said for the steel lighting fixtures behind it, which also melts.

Armand puts a hand over his mouth and coughs, "Jesus Christ, that stinks! Someone open a fucking window!"

Announcer: _After we burned about a thousand scented candles, the merits of both weapons were debated. _

"Well my appetite for fart jokes is dead," says Max. "I say we go with ass-fire."

"There's a problem with that," says Armand, "Peter is only able to pull a fart like that once every ten minutes on a good day. The Schofield has a much higher rate of fire."

"Plus the revolver has the added bonus of that you don't need to turn your back to use it," Geoff summarizes.

Edge: Schofield revolver

Announcer: _Coming up, the test of magic versus technology _

Everyone gathers around in the middle of the desert as Brian Griffin dresses in faux military gear and carries a great big chaingun with him. "This here is the M134 minigun. She fires six thousand rounds per minute and uses a rifle calibre 7.62 millimetre cartridge." Brian then adopts a false Russian accent, "It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon for twelve seconds."

He only keeps a straight face for a few minutes and then bursts out laughing. "Nah, not really. I was on a huge _Team Fortress 2_ kick this morning."

Brian then points at a car sitting out in the middle of the desert area. A giant bull's-eye has been painted on it. "Basically I'm going to go loco on that car out there with this minigun and then we'll see which weapon is deadlier.

Announcer: _And let the bodies hit the floor. _

Geoff gives the countdown. "Brian, you kill in 3 . . . 2. . . . 1 . . . FIRE!"

Brian continues to fire the minigun at the car. The old but sturdy used car suddenly becomes second cousin to holy Swiss cheese. Windows are blown out as if a bomb detonated nearby and soon fire and flames start to pop out of the hood right before the gas tank explodes.

There's a giant round of applause as the giant fireball subsides.

Everyone is cheering and yelling with joy but a nearly incomprehensible quacking voice cuts the festivities short.

"_Hey you assholes, this contest isn't over yet!_" Donald shouts at the crew and cast.

"What'd he say?" Max asks,

"I have no idea," says Geoff.

Donald Duck steps closer, having traded in his military uniform for his outfit from _Kingdom Hearts_. The temperamental duck also has the famous sorcerer's hat on his head. "_With this hat, Mickey will be able to kick some ass_."

Stewie laughs at this. "Oh indeed, just like it worked so well for him with all those fucking brooms."

Donald huffs and pushes the hat forward on his head. "_Oh yeah? Well just you wait, laughing boy!_"

At this, Oswald the Rabbit back up Donald. "Yeah Duck, what you said!" he hasn't a clue what the hell Donald said.

Without waiting for the stop watch, Donald raises both his hands and suddenly a hundred foot high stone column rises out of the dusty ground. Moving his arms around like a bender from _Avatar_ he summons lightning and storms. Bolts of atmospheric electricity hit several of the cameras and take them out of commission.

Then, laughing like a madman with a speech impediment, Donald raises up an army of brooms from the ground and sets them loose. The brooms charge until they reach an unsuspecting herd of cattle.

Like a swarm of hungry piranha, the brooms descend on the cows and rip them apart in a matter of seconds.

The victory of the hat however is short lived, as Brian has reloaded his minigun and is now firing bullets down upon the brooms. Suicidaly, the brooms charge Brian even as they are blown to splintery bits. However their fury is no match for the minigun and in moments they're reduced to matches.

Brian grins at looks gleefully at a fuming Donald. Smiling, he pulls a can of beer from his vest and cracks it open. He takes his time drinking it, letting Donald Simmer. Finally Brian laughs, "Might as well give up now, ducky."

Stewie wisely chooses this moment to step out of the way.

"_Oh yeah!"_ shouts the furious duck. And with n warning, he punches Brian Griffin in the groin as hard as he can.

Brian drops his beer and hits the floor, rolling in agony. Stewie just shakes his head. "That's what you get, man. Leave the taunting to the Pros."

Edge: Minigun

Announcer: _Tension is on the verge of exploding into a fiery firestorm as nobody can understand what Donald is saying_.

The camera changes to show Donald sitting in a car with Geoff, Max, Armand as well as the other guest hosts. Donald quacks and swears angrily out the driver's window as the vehicle is sitting in the drive through at McDonalds.

In the back of the car, Armand chats it up with Stewie, who is sitting in a baby seat. "So how do you like working on _Family guy_?" he asks.

Stewie shrugs. "Oh, it pays well. At first I had loads of fun playing up the evil baby angle but that was only a small part of my acting ability." He pauses and takes a drink from his sippy cup. "So I asked Seth if I could expand my acting. I must say, becoming a gay stereotype was not what I had in mind."

Announcer: _Next up is the Deadly Scythe of Death versus the mighty Keyblade_

Oswald the rabbit shows up in the studio, holding the majestic keyblade. Born of a union between Disney and Final Fantasy, this is a weapon of both great power and great beauty.

Oswald has a custom keyblade of his own now. The handle is shaped like a set of bunny ears and there are some carrot patterns filigreed in gold on the hilt. Swinging the blade around, Oswald explains about these noble weapons. "Now, don't let the lack of cutting edge fool you." The rabbit bounces up and down as he practices thrusts and parries with an imaginary enemy. "These are perfect weapons against magical enemies like Nobodies, heartless, vampires or anything like that."

Hopping happily with his weapon, Oswald leaps over to a gel dummy. "Now on mundane targets they still have the power of blunt trauma and they always channel magical attacks. See." With a flick of his wrist, Oswald strikes out at the head of the dummy. The skull is smashes like an egg on the pavement, skull fragments fly as far as twenty feet away and it's a functional decapitation. The strike is punctuated by a flash of magic light.

Stewie however has other plans, and walks onto the set with a giant scythe. "Hold on there, Bugs Bunny. We have a weapon that is far superior; the very weapon of choice by the deathly Grim Reaper himself!"

Oswald looks at the scythe and blinks. "But that's just an ordinary wooden scythe. I thought you were going to use the one from _Dante's Inferno_. The cool one," he clarifies.

Stewie pats the scythe along its handle, "Well she may not be flashy, but this fine scythe is the greatest implement of death ever created. And to illustrate the point, I've had the boys create a realistic test of its killing power."

The scene changes, Stewie is wearing now baby pants and a hoodie.

Announcer: _In a test of lethal power, Stewie will be set upon by forty zombies and he will then have to defend himself._

Geoff and the guys are setting up testing equipment. Max is getting his software ready while Geoff straps a motion and velocity sensor to Stewie's arm along with an identical sensor to the handle of the scythe, just below the blade.

Armand is standing next to Oswald. "So, I know you're the level headed one; so can I count on you to protect Stewie in case things go south?"

Oswald grins brightly and pops off one of his ears. That disembodied ear in his hands suddenly becomes shaped like a shotgun and Oswald pumps a shell into the firing chamber.

Stewie turns around and faces Oswald, "Just watch my back, bunny man, or else I shall be forced to come over there and tea bag you!" The evil baby is wearing a leather jacket for protective gear, as well as a pair of jeans and a football helmet. It's some pretty shoddy safety gear; he isn't even wearing any gloves.

Like the coming of the tides, Geoff inevitably gives the countdown on the stopwatch. "Stewie, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE ZOMBIES!"

"It's about fucking time," Stewie shouts with a throaty lust for battle. As a small army of shambling corpses is unleashed, this baby is ready for battle.

Not waiting for his foes, Stewie runs forward and cuts the first one across the legs. The ghoul falls to the ground, where its rotting hands try to grab for the baby. However Stewie stomps on the ghoul's head and then finishes it off with the butt of the scythe.

With a slice and a dice, a dozen and then half dozen zombies fall to the ground with their heads missing.

Back with the experts, Max recoils in horror as a severed zombie head lands on his computer platform. The expert flies backwards and falls out of his chair as the disembodied head snaps and groans. Luckily, Oswald blasts the thing like a ripe melon

Oswald grins and looks pleased with himself before realizing that computer expert Robert Daly is covered with gnawing zombie heads that are ripping his flesh. And despite the shredding of fat flesh by necrotic teeth and the blood, so much blood; Robert doesn't even seem to notice. He just keeps on typing.

So Oswald takes his shotgun ear and pops it back into place. He then pops off his rabbit's tail and twists it until it turns into a Billy club. Then he goes to smack the zombie heads off of Robert.

_Meanwhile in Arkham Asylum_

The guards stand ever vigilant in Arkham Asylum, despite the fact that a supervillain escapes every other week. Now this dangerous, dank and totally inadequate facility is housing Robert "Mack" Machowitz. Though Mack's guards are wearing heavy duty ear protection.

For the last six months, the lights in Mack's cell have burned out. So to light his cramped and dirty cell, Mack's taking to lighting it with a series of continuous explosions. Currently he's reading _War and Peace_ by the light of a big box of firecrackers and flash bang grenades.

While turning the page, Mack licks his thumb and pulls the pin out of another flash bang while lighting up another chain of Chinese firecrackers. The room is smoky and the giant flashes of light in his cell can be seen across Gotham City.

Mack has virtually no hearing left, due to the fact that he's had flash bang grenades and fireworks going off less than three feet from his ear. Actually, it's a miracle that he's even alive. Though he still spends all of his time working on ways to break out and finally kill Max.

_Back on track_

Stewie charges at the last zombie and slices it from hip to shoulder. "Ah! Who sent me these babies to fight!" he cries as he rips off his football helmet.

Stewie then turns to the camera and smiles. "Well you can watch the unlucky rabbit, but I'd say this weapons test is a forgone conclusion."

Jumping onto a table, Stewie hoists up his scythe in a victory stance. "There can be only one!" But as he pumps his arm into the air, the scythe hits one of the lights on the ceiling and Stewie is showered in broken glass and sparks.

Some of those sparks light his sleeve on fire and so Stewie yelps and starts to roll on the ground. Hurriedly, Geoff runs up to Stewie and starts spraying him with a garden hose.

The flames are quickly put out, though Geoff doesn't let up with the damn hose. Stewie is soon sputtering and shouting for Geoff to shut the fucking water down. Donald duck laughs in that quacking voice as this goes on.

After a quick commercial break, we're back on track

_Commercial break_

Commercial announcer: _Coming soon to a theater near you! The Tournament of Mortals_

The camera shows thirty one different fighters standing in a big group shot, who include some of the mightiest characters in fiction. Avatar Aang smiles next to bastardly Eldrad and Alucard tries to look down Azula's dress and Kerrigan makes out with Arthas.

_A battle between thirty one fighters who could all kill superman if they wanted to!_

Shows Thor fighting it out with Shadow the Hedgehog. Meanwhile, Dr. Who pokes the Hulk in the eye, three stooges style.

_And exclusively on Spike TV, we'll be interviewing not only the fighters but the rejects!_

Shows a scene of Devilman fighting the camera and film crew before tackling Aizen to the ground. Sinking his sharp teeth into the Shinigami's leg, Aizen cries out, "My leg my leeeg!"

_Coming to theaters near you and Spike TV! _

Announcer: _And now Oswald the Rabbit tests the lethal power of the keyblade!_

Like with Stewie before, Oswald is wearing some pretty haphazard safety gear; a leather jacket, a football helmet and some leather fingerless gloves.

Geoff gives the announcement, "In 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . REALEASE THE GOP!"

Oswald turns around and cocks an ear. What did Geoff mean?" "Don't you mean zombies?" the bunny calls out, just as somewhere a heavy iron door opens up.

"We ran out of zombies," Geoff explains, as something horrible and evil creeps closer.

Finally _they_ walk into the light. "We're going to have you fight the current crop of Republican presidential candidates."

Suddenly, Oswald is confronted by the likes of the worst of the Republican Party. Suddenly, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit feels like his luck has run out.

"Hi, I'm Rick Perry" says the first one, as he charges at Oswald like a sprinting cheetah, "And I'm not ashamed to admit I'm an asshole."

With a swipe of his keyblade, Oswald knocks off Rick's arms like Mr. Potato head. With a kick he knocks back Rick Perry while dealing with Michael Bachman, who looks like second cousin to a Tyranid. "If elected, I will rewrite American history." The keyblade knocks her back like some ghastly scarecrow.

Newt Gingrich charges at Oswald. He's in a particularly bad mood; he's just seen a black man who wasn't in jail, and he thinks that the Warhammer Universe isn't Grimdark enough. He charges at Oswald, who strikes him in the head.

Gingrich's head is splattered like a ripe melon, but he doesn't die. He just keeps on reaching and groping blindly for the rabbit.

Oswald quickly jumps up on Newt's shoulders. He doesn't shit down Newt's neck; that would actually elevate the man. Instead, he takes a lawn gnome and stuffs it feet first into the bloody neck hole.

In a horrifying display of US electoral policies, Newt's headless body mindlessly runs around with a ceramic garden gnome for a head.

A certain Texas governor charges at Oswald with a giant knife, however Oswald knocks his head off like a master.

Rick Santorum's head going flying through the air like a homerun where it then lands in a food processor where Max is about to make some smoothies.

Max recoils in horror as the living, severed head lands amidst a collection of ice cubes, banana slices and whey powder. This smoothie is forever ruined.

Santorum's severed head smiles, "I'm Rick Santorum, and I don't care about the economy."

Instantly upon hearing that, Max hits the maximum blend button. The host falls backwards in horror as he's showered in banana, brain, skull and ice cube fragments.

Oswald is tired and is panting. Stewie claps for the bunny. "Bravo. I know you're on the other team and the enemy but that was some delightful carnage."

"What happened to Ron Paul?" Brian asks.

Speak of the devil. Without any warning at all, Rep Ron Paul teleports into the fight club; only he's managed to also transform himself into a forty foot lizard man with eight arms.

"Free market," says Ron Paul before starting to launch fireballs at Oswald. Courageously, the tired bunny swats and deflects the oncoming fireballs just long enough for Geoff to pull out a minigun and abort the test.

As powerful as he is, dark wizard and lizard man Ron Paul is no match for a keyblade and a mingun at the same time. He drops dead and promptly crumbles into dust.

Promptly, Oswald starts to hell and argue with Geoff and the guys.

Announcer: _Later on, Oswald would successfully sue the show for lack of safety concerns. Oh well, I still get paid no matter what those assholes do. But coming up, Mickey's experts test his most powerful weapon!_

As Donald Duck prepares the paintbrush, Stewie is conspiring with Brian. "Brian, I'm going to create a flashback." The baby announces in a most evil fashion.

"A random flashback?" Brian asks.

Stewie giggles with sinister delight. "Not at all, I'm going to generate a very specific flashback about his war days."

Brian isn't so sure, he wants to win but he has to draw the line somewhere; lord knows that Stewie won't. "Uh Stewie, don't you think we ought to lay off about his war experiences. I don't like the guy any better than you do but I think he could go crazy."

"Oh Brian, that's half the fun."

As this happens, Donald Duck has the paintbrush and quacks at Brian and Stewie. "_What are you idiots up to?"_

This causes Max to laugh a bit at Donald's speech, but a mean look from the military uniform clad duck quickly shuts him up.

Stewie however springs into action. "Hey Donald, remember when you were in Vietnam?" And then the horrible, horrible flashback happens

_Donald Duck screams at his loudest as the Viet Cong tie him to a giant rotisserie in the middle of the jungle. The men ignore the duck's screams as they strip him naked and try to start the fire. _

_As Donald struggles, his bindings start to loosen a bit. _

_The leader of the Viet Cong stops the men and quickly starts to pluck Donald, which caused the Duck to scream in agony. _

_But in a burst of super-duck strength, Donald breaks free of his bindings and grabs the knife they were going to butcher him with and goes to town on the Vietnamese resistance fighters. _

In the real world, Donald goes ballistic. He sputters, coughs and starts rambling. "_Breaker, alpha tango, Charlie is all around, Charlie is all around. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy space marine! 12393928094938?"_

Eventually it becomes too much for the subtitles and a line of question marks form.

"Fucking run!" shouts Brian, and the three hosts run with him.

At this point, Stewie whips out his laser gun and aims it at the Duck. "You, poultry, let's go!" he taunts.

In response, Donald does more screaming and pulls out an M-60 heavy machinegun. "_ack-ack-ack!%(^*^(*%)"_ Donald screams before exchanging fire with Stewie.

Laser bolts and machine gun rounds fly all across the shop. Oswald casually shuffles towards the two duelling maniacs; he's protected by a picture of Jesus Christ taped to his face. Because no one would shoot Jesus except for radical Christians from Norway.

As Donald and Stewie cause thousands of dollars of property damage, Stewart shouts, "Victory is mine! Damn! It's been too long since I said that!"

And before they can kill each other, Oswald the Lucky Rabbit karate chops Donald on the back of the neck before pulling off his tail, which turns into a black brick. He takes the brick and throws it at Stewie, who catches it right between the eyes and goes down.

Oswald then turns to the camera. He removes the picture of Jesus taped to his face. "I know you guys were cancelled, but I really hope you come back on history channel."

Announcer: _Well, after that colossal goat-fuck everything is back to normal_

Donald Duck is quaking uncontrollably while wrapped in a blanket. An attractive looking intern is comforting him.

Meanwhile, Stewie has an icepack being held to his head while he sits down. "Brian," he says groggily, "I want you to take me to the hospital."

"Why?" asks Brian. After that fireworks show with Donald Duck he's not eager to help Stewie.

Stewie must be injured because he missed the sarcasm. "Because I'm bleeding badly and slightly concussed. I don't feel so good."

Announcer: _And so Oswald will test the Magic paintbrush_

Oswald hops around like the bunny he is. He's a hell of a lot more lively now that the shooting has stopped. "This here is the paintbrush!" he says, "It's a hog bristle brush, very good for oil painting and using turpentine with. In _Epic Mickey_, my brother Mickey was able to use this to both create and destroy."

The camera switches angles as Oswald stops hopping. "With the turpentine power, he could erase enemies and destroy objects. With the pain mode, he could create a way around things and turn enemies good."

Oswald starts to spin around the brush in an arc like a baton. "In short, this is the single most powerful weapon that a toon could wield."

Stewie and Brian are not impressed by the magic paintbrush. "Well," Stewie drawls in his British accent, "I suppose you could poke the fat man in the eye with it. Or paint yourself a white flag to surrender."

Brian may not be impressed but the duel with Stewie and Donald left his desire to piss off the other team on hold for the time being.

Announcer: _For this weapon, Oswald is being placed in an obstacle course where he will be forced to either create or destroy a way through his the various powers of the magic paintbrush. _

And so Oswald stands with the paintbrush, ready for danger. In front of him are a set of tires on the ground and beyond that is a wooden bridge into the rest of the obstacle course.

Master Geoff gives the countdown, "Oswald, run like Peter Rabbit in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1. . . DISNEY!"

Oswald hops forward with incredible speed, using the turpentine function of the brush to erase the tires from existence so that they don't interrupt his progress.

The obstacle course moves forward and there's a rickety wooden bridge over a chasm. As Oswald runs over the bridge, the creaky ropes break in half and the entire thing snaps in two. Luckily for the rabbit, a blast of paint creates a _Mario_ style platform that rises up and takes Oswald to the other side of the cliff.

There he continues to hop along his merry way until he reaches an abandoned building. Rather than use the turpentine to demolish it, Oswald gives it a new coat of paint and the building is as good as new. Opening the polished front door, Oswald runs in and then goes out the back where he's now wearing a _Warner Bros_ t-shirt and ball cap.

Oswald continues to hop until he hits a grassy field. Then from underground a series of machinegun turrets pop up and start shooting at Oswald.

The lucky rabbit throws up a steel wall using the paint function. He then uses the turpentine to erase the two machinegun turrets from existence.

Oswald grins, pleased with himself, until out of nowhere, a Protoss Colossus thunders onto the scene. The hundred and fifty foot tall alien war machine walks forward on four stilted legs; looking for all the world like one of WG Well's Martian fighting machines.

A Colossus is quite formidable; just one of them killed a thousand marines in power armor without breaking a sweat.

Mickey's brother however has his own plan for dealing with a bastard like this. Putting the paintbrush in his pocket, Oswald blows on his right thumb like a nozzle; causing his fist to grow to double the size of his body. He repeats this with his left hand until he's got two spiked fists the size of a small motorcycle each.

Oswald grins, as he turns towards the camera, we see that on each of his hands is written a word; "fear" on his left hand and "pain" on his right hand.

As he jumps forward there's a great deal of crashing and smashing until a hailstorm of Colossus machine parts comes raining down in the form of so much battered metal.

Upon seeing Oswald tear down a Colossus with his own toon powers, Max is unsure of Peter's ability to win. The computer nerd turns to Brian, "So, what have you got that can counter that?"

The alcoholic dog chuckles, "Well I'm sure I've got something."

The next scene takes place in in a boxing ring where a pig carcass, a brick wall, a gel torso and a foam dummy are all set up.

Brian stands in the middle of the ring while the three guys stand by the ropes and watch. Donald Duck seems to have recovered from now from PTSD and Stewie, though wearing a big bandage on his skull is looking much better. Looks like that brain swelling has gone down.

Brian stands in the center of the ring with a bottle of pills. Before the test can commence, he gives a warning. "Okay guys, I may get some serious 'roid rage so I advise you all to stay well back.

Stewie seems enthusiastic about it. "Well, here's hoping for some property destruction."

Donald quacks along in agreement; the animosity between them seems temporarily faded.

Brian takes a deep breath, as he's honestly afraid of what's going to happen when he takes the pills.

Everyone watches with baited breath as Brian opens the cap and pops a pill . . . then he swallows the entire bottle. The white anthro-dog then swallows the whole thing like a beer.

In less than thirty seconds, Brian roars like the incredible Hulk before leaning forward and flexing. As if by magic (cue Mr. Bean snort) Brian suddenly grows a highly unrealistic set of muscles. The white down now resembles one of the heavily muscled characters of _Dragonball Z_.

Moving forward like a god of destruction, Brian punches out the brick wall, causing shattered piece of brick and mortar to fly out everywhere.

With a left cross he throws a punch that utterly causes the pig carcass to burst into about a hundred gory pieces. Pig chunks fly everywhere and splat all over the wall.

He then stomps over to the gel torso and repeats the results. The thing explodes like it's been hit by a semi-truck.

A single punch from Brian turns the foam dummy into a cloud of dust and fake blood splatters everywhere.

Still in the grip of roid rage, Brian runs to the edge of the ring where Goofy is standing, munching on a bag of chips. Swearing like a sailor, Brian punches Goofy right in the mouth, knocking out all his teeth and sending him flying through a wall.

Announcer: _Though as devastating as the steroids are, it's no match for Mickey's paintbrush. _

Geoff and the guys appear discussing it. "Poor Goofy," says Max, "he'll be in the hospital for weeks."

"That's true, but it's nothing compared to Mickey's brush. It can change the whole environment and it could potentially erase peter."

"It's a no brianer," says Armand.

Edge: Mickey Mouse.

The three hosts and the two teams of experts stand around the computer. Oswald is eating a granola bar and he's getting crumbs on Max, who shoes the rabbit away.

Cracking his fingers, Max says, "Let's do it." And he hits the enter key

* * *

_Simulation: _

_Hollywood, abandoned district_

In an old industrial district of Los Angeles that's been abandoned since the thirties, an expensive white Aston Martin stops. The car doors open and out come a party of men. Among them are Roy Disney, Ted Turner and worst of all, notorious cartoonist and crime boss Walt Disney.

A fourth figure is with them; this figure is barely three feet tall and is obscured by a hood or robe of some kind. The diminutive figure stays close to Walt, like a dog heeling to hits master.

Walt and his gang start to make their way into the burnt out shell of a warehouse. "Ted, stay with the car," Walt orders his underling.

Walt, Roy and the third figure head deeper into the dark hallways and corridors of the warehouse. The place is surprisingly free of vagrants and other social detritus; unsurprising given who has taken control of this warehouse for the weekend.

Walt and the gang pass under row after row of flickering and often broken lights. Walt walks down the hallway. In his smart suit and dapper mustache he looks almost exactly like Andrew Ryan; another psycho capitalist with megalomaniacal tendencies.

After a long walk in the darkness, Walt and company are greeted by none other than the king of the frat boys, lord of random flashbacks, master of fart Jokes and a serial killer who murders brown haired women named Meg; none other than Seth McFarlane.

"Hey guys," says the jolly and cheerful McFarlane, "How's it hanging? How's Pixar saving your ass, Walt?"

Walt however has no time for pleasantries, "Where the money."

Seth laughs a bit, some of the warmth and friendliness leaving his eyes, "Ah, the money comes after."

"After what?" Walt demands.

"Come with me," Seth instructs, and soon the two evil animators head off to the main source of action.

It's a dingy and makeshift arena. A bar with watered down liquor has been set up and wealthy patrons of the scummy L. A. community are gathered here for a bit of blood sport.

In a depressed central pit, janitors are wiping up the blood from the corpse of a bald yellow skinned man.

Standing over said yellow corpse is a giant fat man wearing a gimp mask and bondage shirt. The leather and chains he's wearing do little to hide his corpulent body and his gimp mask can barely muffle that aggravating laugh of his.

"After you beat him," says Seth, "Our current champion; undefeated in twenty-five bouts."

Walt looks down at Peter Griffin, totally unimpressed.

"Care for a pizza? Or a snack?" Seth makes like the good host but Walt doesn't have any of it.

"We won't be here that long," Walt smirks before gesturing to the diminutive figure in a robe. "Mickey, come."

Mickey mouse trots over to Walt, where Roy Disney takes the hood off him. Mickey's eyes are cold and soulless and there's a metal collar around his neck. His expression is vacant.

Kneeling down to his servant, Walt presses a finger to the snap release of the collar. He looks Mickey in the eyes; his expression is unforgiving and merciless. Walt loves violence and he's about to get his fill tonight. "Get him," he orders his attack mouse before removing the collar.

With a snap, the collar around Mickey's neck comes off. Instantly, the Mouse's eyes come to life. A bestial fury comes across mickey's normally placid features. In this very moment, he's not a mouse; he's a pit-bull ready to kill.

Walt smiles at Mickey's killer expression. "Go get him, boy."

And with that, Mickey slowly walks down to the center of the pit, where the janitors have finally cleaned up the mess from the last fight.

There, the massive figure of Peter Griffin towers over the short and shabby character of Mickey.

Already the crowd is baying for blood, like a pack of dogs eager for the kill. The betting has started and already Seth stands to make a killing with his bookies.

Everyone is chanting, tempers are up and blood is flowing with adrenaline. Walt just leans against the metal safety rail causally, Mickey's collar in his hand.

In the fight pit, Peter is bellowing like a bull and waving his arms to try and intimidate his foe. Mickey simply looks up at Peter with hate filled eyes; like an ideal Jedi—or Sith rather—he's living entirely for the moment.

In a display of inhuman endurance, Peter grabs a couple of bricks off the ground and smashes them over his head. The bricks fly apart as they break on Peter's thick skull.

At last, everything teeters over the breaking point as Walt Disney cries out, "Rip his ass off!"

Like a giant behemoth, Peter lifts his heavy booted foot and tried to crush mickey with it. However in an amazing display of athletic and martial arts prowess, not only does Mickey evade the stomp meant to crush him, but he launches a crippling kick at Peter's knee.

Peter's eyes bulge as his knee pops and he falls to the ground.

Not letting up for even a second, Mickey starts to pummel Peter who is now at eye level with him.

Mickey's fists of fury strike like lightning. Peter's head bobs back and forth like a bag full of warm jello as Mickey rearranges hid face under the gimp mask.

After about five seconds of machine-gun fast punches, there's blood flowing under Peter's mask and he collapses onto his back and doesn't move.

The crowd gasps as the current champion is apparently beaten in under thirty seconds.

Seth McFarlane's eyes are now bulging in shock and he looks to Walt, to Mickey and back again as if he can't believe his eyes.

Walt just gives Seth a sardonic smirk. We all know who's the better animator. Slick old Uncle Walt just waves Mickey's collar in his hand and enjoys the victory.

BUT THE GAME'S NOT OVER YET!

Without any warning, Peter sits back up again and picks up Mickey over his head. Roaring like an angry wild boar, he throws Mickey at the walls of the pit, which are covered with barb wire for lack of safety reasons.

However with his catlike reflexes, Mickey plants his hands between the barbed wire and propels himself safely to the ground.

Now with some breathing room and the realization that this won't be a cakewalk, Peter roars and gets ready for round two. Grabbing his knee, he forces his dislocated joint to pop back into place.

Peter's eyes bulge as he forces his dislocated kneecap back to its rightful place and though it hurts like hell he immediately stands up on it; good as new!

Howling like a pissed off bear, Peter charges at his enemy. Likewise, Mickey goes at Peter like a spider monkey from hell.

Peter brings down a boot to smash at Mickey, but draws back to avoid another knee shot.

Mickey jumps up in the air over Peter, hammering the fat man with punches as the magic Mouse arcs over him. This is to no avail as Peter's thick blubber shields his vital organs from taking damage.

Mickey though has made a tactical mistake. Now he's standing behind Peter.

Fart time!

Dropping his pants, Peter shows his fat, saggy ass and promptly shoots fire out of his anus at Mickey.

A twenty foot jet of flaming methane and some sweet corn fly at Mickey. This guy leaves skid marks in his underpants as wide as two-lane highways.

Mickey however is ever the nimble one and cunningly dodges the blast of assfire.

Peter pulls up his pants and charges at Mickey again.

Up in the audience, the crowd is going wild as the agile mouse tries to find a hole in the impressive defenses of the fat, mentally retarded father. It's a battle of toon on toon and only one will survive.

Mickey jumps in the air, trying to get in a position where he can crush Peter's windpipe with a punch. Meanwhile, Peter is blocking remarkably effectively for a great lummox. He's like a bear swatting at salmon as he bats Mickey away from him like a deadly housefly.

It's like an aerial dogfight, where a fighter is harassing a bomber. The only question is whether the bomber's turret guns and thicker armor will be able to defeat the faster but less armed fighter.

"Do you mind if I spice up the format?" Seth asks Walt, shaking him out of his concentration.

Walt nods, suddenly suspicious of Seth, "It's your show." Unconsciously, Walt's hand goes to the gun in his pocket.

At this, Seth points to some key men and on cue, Stan Smith from American dad, Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown and Bart Simpson.

Mickey is still fighting off Peter when Bart flies at him and clobbers Mickey over the head with his skateboard.

Reeling from the blow, Mickey is suddenly accosted by Stan Smith who is tossing at him highly sophisticated CIA killing moves. Stan however can't touch a hair on Mickey.

Things however only get harder for Mickey as Quagmire lunges at him with a sharpened spoon.

Quagmire's run however is short lived as Peter grabs him and breaks him over his knee like a piece of dry kindling. If anybody's going to kill Mickey it's going to be him. He leaves the broken and dead Quagmire to go and fight Mickey.

Despite being hit over the head by a skateboard and fighting a delinquent Simpson boy, an overweight and uninteresting African-American man and a CIA agent, Mickey is holding his own against the competition.

Mickey delivers a kick upside Cleveland's head, throwing him off balance. At the same time, Mickey gives Stan an eye poke that bloodily gouges out his left eye. Screaming in pain, Stan trips over Bart's skateboard and bonks his head on the concrete floor.

Mickey then takes Stan's bloody eyeball and throws it at Bart, whose skateboard wheels jam under the eye and throw him off.

Mickey barely evades a fist from Peter, which strikes the concrete floor with just enough force to crack the concrete.

Peter grabs Mickey and tries to crush his ribcage like dry noodles.

Mickey feels the pressure under his ribs, but Walt's brainwashed him to be a one mouse killing machine. Mickey's an attack dog, he's been trained to rip out spines, stomp skull, destroy small joints and damage vital nerves and blood vessels.

Grabbing Peter's thumb, Mickey twists it as hard as he can; twisting it as an unnatural angle.

Peter gives a walrus bellow of shock as Mickey slips out of his hands like a bar of soap.

Suddenly, the Mouse is crawling all over Peter like a cockroach; striking at all of Peter's vital points. Here Peter's girth works against him as he can't reach Mickey when he's on his back.

Mickey hits a major nerve cluster in Peter's shoulder that totally and utterly paralyzes his right arm.

Sensing that he's on the ropes, Peter backs up, trampling over Bart and Stan both.

Up in the stands, Walt is starting to sweat even though it's quite cool in the pit. He isn't about to let this upstart twat Seth rig the game. He personally bet money on Mickey.

"Weapons!" Walt shouts, and grabs a keyblade from a wall cabinet and tosses a keyblade down into the pit.

All of the guests jump on this and start reaching for battle axes, broad swords, katanas and even the scythe of death.

Seth is suddenly now the one sweating, as he only stands to make a killing if Peter wins. He gives Walt a hate filled glare but Walt only smirks back at him from under his mustache.

Jumping off of Peter's back, Mickey lunges for the keyblade but Stan Smith grabs it first. Though unskilled with a sword, Stan swings at Mickey with lethal force.

From behind Mickey, he takes a painful blow from an animated broom. Bart's got the sorcerer's hat and he's summoning an army of brooms.

With a quick karate move, Mickey snaps the broom in half and rushes to find himself a good weapon.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mickey sees Cleveland aim a Schofield revolver at him.

Cleveland puts a bead on Mickey's head and fires, but the mouse closes the gap in a blur, kicking Cleveland in the stomach and disarming him of the pistol.

"No!" pleads Cleveland as Mickey crushes his Adams apple and crushes his skull with a blow the temple. Cleveland is dead.

Aiming the revolver, Mickey shoots Bart through the heart; the magician's heart drops the ground.

Mickey fires a bullet at Stan but the CIA man deflects it with the keyblade. A second strike dashes the revolver to pieces and Mickey picks up the Scythe of death to fight with.

Stan is good but he lacks Mickey's skills and the scythe gives Mickey superior reach.

Something has to give as Mickey stabs Stan in the foot with the Scythe. The American dad screams in pan and drops the keyblade.

Before Mickey can finish him off, a giant chunk of concrete flies at him, narrowly missing hitting Seth McFarlane.

Peter now has a Hulk like body of solid muscle from the steroids that Seth slipped him from before the fight.

Stan looks in horror as Peter charges at him. He looks up into the audience to see his wife Francine, who is screaming at him, "Die Stan! Burn in hell!" because honestly, she's taken too much shit from him over the years.

Francine squeals in glee as steroid-Peter grabs Stan and rips him in half. Entrails and blood fly everywhere; oh it's so beautiful.

Now it's only Peter and Mickey. Mickey is snarling like a rabid dog, but it's not the least bit comical.

Grabbing both the Magician's hat and the keyblade, Mickey charges at Peter.

The army of anthro-brooms that pop do nothing to stop Peter; he tramples them like so much matchwood. But out of the blue, a bolt of lightning zaps Peter; lighting up his skeleton like a Christmas tree. A gust of wind makes him cold and rain created by Mickey's magician's hat causes Peter to slip and lose his footing.

Alarmed and truly afraid for the first time, Peter reaches for a minigun on the ground.

A hail of bullets fly but Mickey is nowhere to be seen; the flying bullets create a cloud of concrete dust and the crowd goes wild. This is the best fight they've ever seen at Seth McFarlane's Deathmatch Cavalcade.

The gun stops its whining of death however as Mickey strikes unseen and bludgeons it with his keyblade. The minigun flies apart and Peter bellows like a bull; finally given to panic. In his steroid rage frantically rips up the ground and starts throwing it everywhere; desperately trying to stop the stinging fly.

Suddenly, Peter tries to step but meets only empty air. He falls some twenty feet and then—

_Schick!_ The sound of metal piercing flesh.

The crowd gasps, as concrete dust still obscures the sight. Who's won? What's happened? How did it happen?

Walt just smiles and checks his watch. The whole fight lasted all of . . . six minutes. Not bad for a day's work.

Seth McFarlane now had a look of dread on his face. Things did not at all go according to play.

As the dust settle, everyone sees Mickey with the magic paintbrush in his hand. He's standing there, like an angry attack dog without a victim.

As the air clears, everyone can see the giant spike pit that Mickey used the paintbrush to create.

Peter's now lifeless corpse is impaled on the spikes, blood flowing freely down the iron impalement pikes.

"I believe I'll have my money now," Walt tells Seth jovially, while Seth is still in shock at his champion losing.

"Mickey, come," Walt whistles.

Mickey comes to his master and with a click, the collar is back on. The violence that so totally consumed him before is now gone. He's just a placid slave of Walt Disney now. Walt feeds Mickey a small piece of cheese and his brother Roy puts the robe back on him. It's been a very good day.

As Walt and company are walking out again from the fight arena, Seth stops to give Walt his hard earned cash. Disney takes the large envelope of money without as much as a thank you.

By now Seth has regained his composure and he's all smiles and sunshine now. "I hope you'll be able to come back again. Next time for sure I'll be betting on your mouse."

Walt smirks, "Good, if you keep paying we'll be back."

"Though I gotta say," Seth asks, "How did you do it? I mean, how did you turn a mouse into a dog?"

For the first time, Walt truly smiles; and it's not pretty. "Like my sainted mother used to say; get em young enough," he looks down at Mickey with evil in his eyes, "and the possibilities are endless."

"I think he Jesuits said that," says Seth. "Nice trick with the collar though."

"And they got it from my mother," Walt explains,

And soon they're gone; and the dark voice has another toy to play with until it breaks.

_Meanwhile in Manhattan_

Dana Mercer, sister of Alex was almost fully recovered; and while her sociopathic brother attempted to spread the infection she spent her days recuperating in a full scale recreation of Notre Dame Cathedral from Paris.

Apparently upon gaining control of the swarm, Alex wanted to live in style so a gigantic recreation of a French Cathedral was what he had in mind.

Though when the Zerg invaded the planet last fall, Alex was at first glad because he thought the roofers were here to fix the leak; little did he know.

The prototype ended up fighting the Queen of blades, only to lose; and boy was he pissed off about it.

Dana heard footsteps, and saw Alex walking towards her with what looked like a bucket of ice-cream.

"I have my weapon now to defeat the Zerg Swarm, and by extension, that bitch Kerrigan."

Dana was confused, "You're going to hit her with a bucket of rocky road?"

"Of course not," snapped Alex. He held up the plastic bucket so that it hit the light. All around them the gargoyles seemed to be watching Dana; and for some reason it looked like there was a severed head in the bucket instead of ice-cream.

"For a hundred years, GENTEK kept Hitler's head on ice and now I'm going to revive him and forge him as the first soldier in what will be my unstoppable army."

Dana just looked at her brother in shock. There was no way he could be serious. He had to be on drugs; since she'd known for years that he was an avid meth cook and smoker. "Why?" that was the question.

"Why would you bring Hitler back, of all people?" she asked with wide eyes and disbelief.

Alex held up Hitler's frozen head with a smile, "Because Hitler was a righteous man; his great nation he did unify. To beat Kerrigan, I'll need an army without peer and he'll be my loyal general."

Well that concluded it. Dana had suspected it but her virus infected brother had gone completely and utterly insane.

"Now," said Alex in his most evil grin, "I'm about to go practice medicine."

**MICKEY MOUSE WINS!**

Final Tally:

Mickey Mouse-669 kills

Schofield revolver-8 kills

Magician's hat-49 kills

Keyblade-112 kills

Magic paintbrush-500 kills

Peter Griffin-331 kills

Assfire-13 kills

Death's Scythe-132 kills

Steroids-43 kills

Minigun-143 kills

"Well just to iterate, weapons like assfire and the revolver were important but they weren't really that big in the grand scheme of things," Geoff explains.

Max is up next, "The really game changer was the magic paintbrush; which as far as I'm concerned was an overpowered kill all ticket. It was the kiss of death to Peter."

"Another thing against Peter was his lack of intelligence and cardio problems," explains Armand, "he just had no endurance."

Stewie now appears before the camera. "Am I sad that Peter was killed?" He starts to burst out laughing, "I think you've got me pegged wrong if you do."

Brian is less jolly about it. "It sucks that Peter died, but this is Spike TV. If you want historical accuracy go to the History channel." And he's gone.

Donald puts his hands on his knees. "_I knew Mickey would win_," he quacks, "_He's too smart, too fast and he's got right on his side_." Suddenly, a studio lamp lands on Donald's head. Up in the rafters, Stewie has a good laugh at Donald throws a major fit, throwing aside the broken lamp like a leaf.

Meanwhile, David Baker the weapons maker is talking to Oswald. "So you're getting married."

"That's right," says Oswald, "Me and Bugs Bunny are getting married this September."

David Baker mulls over this news for a second. "Well, not only is that a same sex marriage but it's a Warner bros-Disney marriage; it'll be worse than the Montagues and the Capulets."

"Yeah, but it's love; you don't argue with love," says Oswald, who's looking forward to becoming Bugs Bunny's life partner.

"Well, I'm happy for you," explains David Baker.

Suddenly, the two of them turn to see Robert Daly, who's sitting in his damn chair typing. Suddenly, sparks start to fly from Robert's ears, first only a little and then a lot.

Then smoke starts to pour out of his nostrils and his head bursts into flame. Quickly, Robert's face melts, revealing the soulless robot underneath.

And that's all! School is over and I'll have much more time to write and play :D YES!

And next time on Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior, Science-fiction's greatest rednecks go toe to toe with Science-fiction's greatest freak shows.

I'm talking about Raynor's Raiders vs Mental's Horde. It's a fight of power armor vs headless kamikazes, armored machines versus endless swarms, rusty Terran firepower vs alien techno-magic and much more!

I'm the Master of the Boot and I hope you enjoyed

ta


	21. Raynor's Raiders vs Mental's Horde: pt 1

Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior

Raynor's Raiders vs. Mental's Horde Part 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, Serious Sam or StarCraft. Enjoy

Author's note: Due to the sheer number of units being tested I'm going to make this chapter a two parter. Next week we'll cover the rest of the units and then the fight scene. Also for those of you who don't know, Raynor's Raiders are the faction of humans led by Jim Raynor in Starcraft 2: Wings of Liberty. Mental is the main enemy of the Serious Sam First Person shooter games; which has our buddy Serious Sam fight against Mental's seemingly limitless army of demons, aliens and lunatics

* * *

The three hosts appear before the camera. "What's the best strategy video game ever made?" Max asks his buddies.

"StarCraft," reply Geoff and Armand together.

"Okay," Max continues, "What's the greatest first person shooter ever made of the old school?"

Geoff and Armand turn to each other and nod.

Announcer: _Raynor's Raiders!_

Shows an image of Jim Raynor standing over the burnt carcass of a Zerg hydralisk.

_Defenders of freedom and anarchistic rebels in a time of madness and tyranny_

Announcer: _But today they'll face an enemy deadlier and weirder than any before_

The screen suddenly has a headless man with bombs for hands charge at the screen while screaming "AAAAAAAAHHHH!" before blowing up in a shower of gore and shrapnel.

A logo for CroTeam flashes across the screen.

Announcer: _With his countless Legions, no other army in the universe is more feared than that of Mental's Horde_

Shows an army of cloned shotgunners and riflemen marching in the dusty Egyptian street.

_Totally loyal and lacking any sense of self preservation, they exist to serve the will of Lord Mental. _

The camera changes once more to show a line of marines aiming their rifles as a squad of demonic undead alien skeletons charge at them while flinging ball and chains.

_It's a fight against rusty, brutal Terran machinery against undead alien suicide attacks. _

_All in the fight to decide_

_**WHO**_

_**IS**_

_**DEADLIEST!**_

Once more we find ourselves transported into the familiar environment of the Deadliest Warrior Fight Club. There are weapons locked and ready to go, gelatin dummies aplenty and loads of pig carcasses. It's a blood fiend's wet dream; this place is.

Geoff appears before the camera, "now, before we just used to have five on five squad battles; but this time we'll be having an army on army battle. So instead of testing individual weapons we'll be testing classes of soldiers; infantry, armored units, air support, special units and so forth."

Armand appears before the camera. "Despite their power armor, Jim Raynor and his crew are only human. While mental's horde is composed of cyborgs, undead, aliens and powerful magicians. We're looking at a huge variety of enemies here."

Max appears before the camera in front of his computer panel. "We'll be dealing with a battle of thousands. I've had to overhaul the hell out of the computer program system."

Announcer: _to make the case for Raynor's raiders, we bring in two of James Raynor's most trusted men; Captain Mat Horner and Tychus Findlay, professional criminal, mercenary and welfare bum. _

Before the camera, a giant human in power armor stands. His visor opens up to reveal a heavily scarred man smoking a cigar. He spits out his half smoked stogie before starting the interview.

Interesting to note, his Southern Drawl rings out with a Houston accent. "Well killin' aliens has always been Jimmy and mine's bread and butta'. Ain't nothing that's gonna stop us from doin' it again."

Another man appears onscreen; he's a polished man in a captain's uniform and he lacks Tychus's Southern Accent. "Despite operating with limited resources and being outnumbered in almost every fight, Jim's always managed to pull through. He's smarter than he looks and he's got heart. Men would follow him into the jaws of Cerberus; I know I would."

Tychus then pushes Matt aside and hogs the camera. "In case ya'll were wonerin', Matt over here is one of them queer-sexuals."

"I am not!" Mat shouts, blushing beet red. He's farther into the closet than my winter wardrobe.

Announcer: _And for team Horde we have a pair of professionals who are just as crazy. _

A tall, buff human with dark hair and sunglasses appears on screen where he immediately starts parodying Warhammer 40K. "In the grim dark of the distant future, there is only white trash."

"Seriously," says Serious Sam, "When you said there'd be space marines I thought you meant the religious fanatics. These guys are like if George Lucas decided to do a remake of deliverance."

The other figure is a short green little alien by the name of Invader Zim. "Stupid Earth monkeys!" he shrilly screams. "The forces of Mental are far too great for an inferior race of worm-babies to defeat. Only the Mighty Irkens can defeat Mental!"

Serious Sam then taps Zim on the shoulder, "Uh, no need to shout, shorty."

"Disgusting Sam-beast, you will not address ZIM that way!" The hyper little alien screeches.

Sam just rolls his eyes behind his glasses. "Just in case you forgot, Mental Blew up your planet; that's why you're requesting asylum on Earth; dipshit."

Zim however would not tolerate Sam's sass. "SILENCE! You will pay for your insolence, earth-sodomite!"

Sam just groans, "I don't have time for this," and he walks away.

"You do not walk away from ZIM!"

But he did.

Raynor's raiders:

Infantry-marines, medics, marauders, reapers, spectres, firebats, SCV,

Land Vehicles-siege tank, vulture, goliath, Viking, Thor, warbound, Predator

Air Units-Viking, medevac drop ship, battle cruiser, Banshee, science vessel, raven, wraith

Mercenaries:

Hero Units: Jim Raynor, Tychus Findlay, Rory Swann, Dr. Stetman, Gabriel Tosh

Misc units-shredder, spider mines, Odin

Mental's Horde:

Infantry-Headless Rocketeer, Headless Kamikaze, Cloned Rifleman, Cloned Shotgunner, Kleer Skeleton, gnaar, Cucurbito the Pumpkin, beheaded Firecracker, Scrapjack, Juvenile Arachnoid

Heavy Units: Sirian werebull, biomechanoid major, biomechaniod minor, Highlander Aludran Reptiloid, Lava Golem, The Khnum, Adult Arachnoid,

Air Units: Scythian Witch Harpy, Witch Bride of Achriman, Alchor Class Warship, Technopolip,

Hero Units: Mordecai the Summoner, Ugh Zahn IV, Exotech Larva,

Misc units-Marsh Hopper, Mental's Pet Hamster,

Announcer: _Just to make things easy, we'll start off by testing the miscellaneous units_

At the famous desert bomb range, Serious Sam holds up a clear glass cage with a large, toad like organism inside of it. "Now this little fucker is a marsh hopper from Rigel Kentarus and I fucking hate him and all his little brothers and sisters."

Inside the cage, the marsh hopper croaks and pats at the glass with its front legs.

"Basically Mental uses these things like landmines. They defend their territory by jumping at enemies and exploding; thereby releasing the acid slime in their intestines."

"Death by toxic toad shit," Geoff remarks, "Very nasty."

"You wouldn't know the half of it," Sam grunts, "I still have PTSD flashbacks every time Kermit the frog appears on TV."

Zim stands with his arms crossed, "So how do the foolish Earth-dirt plan to test these puny toads?"

Geoff points to a figure out in the rocky soil. Made from terran neosteel is a cut-out of the Queen of blades; complete with cross eyes and a painted on frowney face. "That right there is made from neosteel with an incomplete coating of vanadium plating. That's basically what almost all Terran units are made from or armored in."

"Then let's kill earth-dweebs!" shouts Zim, who unintentionally revealed his reason for doing Mental's Horde.

Serious Sam then holds up a remote control.

"Sam, are you ready?" Geoff shouts.

"Any time, bro!" Sam calls out.

"Then in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . RELEASE THE TOADS!"

Sam hits a button on his remote control and the door on a giant glass cage opens up; releasing the deadly marsh hoppers. At the same time, a voice of the loudspeakers screams in a heavy metal scream "_WAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!"_

Immediately, the large, bulging eyes of the toad like creatures lock onto he neosteel cut-out of Kerrigan and they start to hop forward. _Croak, croak, croak_ they go as they hop forward.

The one on the front lines takes a big jump, hits the metal structure and goes _splat_! Green slime spews all over the Kerrigan cut-out.

Soon they all follow, croaking and exploding like ugly little banelings. The neosteel cut-out is coated in a pheromone mix that smells like a common predator on the marsh hopper's home planet. In less than fifteen seconds, roughly a hundred of the amphibian beasts have thrown themselves at the target like suicide bomber lemmings.

The guys go to inspect the neosteel target. Aside from being covered in slime, it seems to worse for the wear.

Tychus laughs and takes a pull on his cigar. "Well partnah, looks like you're all washed up. Ain't no way no damn toads is gonna take down Terran tech."

Serious Sam says nothing, instead, he walks up to the neosteel cut-out and kicks it; causing it to shatter like glass. He puts his hands on his hips and shakes his head at Tychus, "Really, Billy Bob Thornton, really? Go back to Alabamee, redneck."

While Tychus is gearing up to kick Sam's ass, Matt examines the neosteel in detail. "Well the regular armor has become highly brittle, like glass." He then picks up a vanadium coated piece and gives it a knock. "The vanadium has protected the neosteel somewhat, but if you look closer," he starts to take the piece and bend it, "It's suffering from heavy structural fatigue; something that could severely impact the armor on terran vehicles."

At that moment, Zim runs across the area screaming. Not far behind Zim, a marsh hopper croaks and jumps after him. Zim runs and the marsh hopper chases him. He runs back and forth and the toad like alien follows him like a dog.

"Oh, one of the marsh hoppers survived," says Max; just as the creature lands on Zim.

The three foot Irken is hardly a match for the bulky and compact marsh hopper. "Unhand me, DEMON! Zim shouts, his armored tongue flailing.

"What's it doing?" asks Geoff.

Everyone starts to cringe as marsh hopper begins to hump Zim, who starts screaming obscenities too vulgar to be heard outside an X-rated movie.

"I think he resembles the female of the species," Sam concludes.

"I saw somethin' like this in Canada," Tychus observes, "Only them dressed up like the King an' Queen of England."

Everyone turns to look at Tychus; they can only wonder in horror what kind of weird shit he's done in the past. "

"I'll help Zim," says Matt.

Announcer: _Coming up, the mighty Odin faces against Mental's Pet Hamster . . . did I just say that?_

The camera pans to show a dusty desert landscape. We briefly see a lizard on a rock which is then startled by vibrations in the ground.

Announcer: _The first of its kind, a super heavy experimental siege walker for prolonged combat missions—_

The vibrations in the ground grow louder and louder. Suddenly, a giant metal foot stomps in front of the camera.

_-this brilliant machine was stolen from Dominion scientists by Raynor and his boys and is now one of the deadliest pieces of equipment in the Raiders arsenal. _

The camera zooms in and Tychus grins in the cockpit. "This here is man's greatest creation. I have nea' constant orgasms eve'ry time I step in the cockpit."

"That's what my gay cousin says every time he gets lucky," Sam shouts from off to the side.

Tychus snarls at Sam, "Shut up!" he goes to fire a nuclear missile at Sam but the producer had that removed before they started filming.

The crew stand before the camera, while in the background the Odin moves like a metal mountain, shaking the landscape as it does.

Matt Horner explains how the test is going to proceed. "The Odin is a unit capable of both anti-air and anti-ground capabilities. Armed with an extremely destructive array of two twin-linked T800 cannons, shoulder mounted Hellfire missile pods and four 330mm howitzers on a near indestructible chassis the Odin is virtually an army unto itself; which I believe will be essential to fighting off the superior numbers of Mental's horde."

Announcer: _To test the Odin, a number of flying and ground units will be deployed against the mammoth machine. _

Remotely controlled, an entire fleet of defunct Protoss aircraft fill the sky. Overhead a mighty Arbiter class ship is surrounded by a cloud of smaller corsair fighter craft. On the ground, a number of similarly remote controlled Protoss dragoons march like an army of giant metal crabs.

On the ground, Matt Horner raises a flair gun up and fires into the air.

Tychus, who's been itching for some action, opens up with a barrage; a special move that unleashes a devastating concentration of firepower from the cannons on the Odin's back.

The fleet of protoss vehicles are quickly torn apart by this barrage. Shield go from green to red and buckle, armor plating is perforated. It's like an orchestra of firepower and Tychus is the conductor. Each bullet and shell is a note and the destruction that ensues is beauty that will stay with us forever.

Both Sam and Zim are blown away by this display. Sam's jaw is slack and he appears utterly dumbstruck by the weapon before him. Zim grins from ear to ear with a look of pure malevolence.

"Whoa," Sam gasps, "I'm getting a serious chubby for that thing."

"Think of all the filthy humans I could kill with that machine," Zim practically crows with delight.

Geoff and the experts stand around a table ready to decide. "I think I've seen enough," says Max. "The Odin is by itself equal to one of Mental's armies. With something like that, Jim Raynor has it in the bag."

"Hey guys," Serious Sam interrupts the meeting, "You should know that mental's pet hamster has escaped his cage."

"And that's not good," says Armand, "I've treated giant hamster damage in the past and it's nasty. The energy projectiles they fire are lethal and if you get close their bodies sprout deadly spines."

Suddenly the earth starts to shake, and everyone jumps out of the way just as a thirty foot high, seventy foot long hamster in a giant hamster ball made of spiked metal rolls through and tramples everything.

Inside the hamster ball of death, Mental's hamster peers at the world through eight red, glowing eyes. From out of its mouth it fires deadly green energy balls that fly at Mat Horner.

Panicking, Mat pulls out his handgun and starts to shoot at the projectiles but nothing happens. Running like mad, he fires his gun over his shoulder as the hamster ball barrels down on him like Indiana Jones's ball of death.

Hitting a switch frantically, Max activates the shredder units, mobile machines that throw up impenetrable radiation fields. The shredders automatically deactivate when Matt runs by but reactivates when he's out of range.

Unfortunately the giant hamster passes through when Matt does, thereby bypassing the deadly field of radiation.

However as Matt and the Hamster run past, several victims run into it. Several deer run into the faintly buzzing shredders and explode like eggs in the microwave. Deer entrails and blood fly all over the landscape.

On cue, a whole pack of marsh hoppers jump right into the field, perceiving the shredders to be lethal enemies. The toads blow up uselessly, their deadly acid slime not even touching the metal machines.

A swarm of bumblebees strikes the radiation field like an invisible windshield.

And to cap things off, Scratch and Grounder, Dr. Robotnik's evil henchmen strike the field and melt like plastic. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Luckily Tychus saves his ass. Another barrage from the Odin blasts that hamster ball to bits and launches Matt at least forty feet in the air where he lands in a giant vat of corn syrup.

Mental's Pet hamster fires a spray of energy balls at the Odin which burn holes it its armor but fail to do fatal damage to the machine.

Then, with a well-placed nuke, Tychus kills the insufferable fucker once and for all.

Without warning, Matt's head explodes up from the surface of the corn syrup vat. As he gasps for breath and contemplates that his outfit is ruined; he wonders what the hell a vat of corn syrup is doing in the middle of the desert.

Then, he looks up and sees Jamie Hynaman and Adam Savage looking down on him.

"Get out of our corn syrup, mother fucker," says Jamie.

"You heard the man," says Adam, who pulls out a Mossberg shotgun and pumps a shell into the chamber before aiming at a dumfounded Matt.

Edge in Misc units: Raynor's Raiders.

Announcer: _We break briefly to meet with Kieran Eliot to answer fan mail. _

The friendly Scottish announcer appears in a comfortable leather chair, with some fainmail in hand. "Hello and welcome to the Deadliest Warrior aftermath. Where we'll interview experts and hear fan's thoughts."

He opens the first envelope. "This first letter is from Kyle who writes, "In the episode Van Helsing vs Albert Wesker; Wesker' was totally dominated in the numbers by far. Why would that be?"

Kieran smiles, "Well Kyle, this is not the discovery channel; this is Spike TV, where inaccuracy and testosterone go hand in hand. In short, the show really fucked up."

"Next letter is from Sarah Kerrigan," he reads, "_Dear Master of the Boot, for making me lose the match with Anakin skywalker I will find unreal ways for you to die. Be seeing you soon. Signed, Sarah_."

Kieran laughs and smiles, "Well Master, you'd better grow a beard and learn to speak Swahili."

Announcer: _And now we return to test the largest and arguably most important category of fighters, the infantry. _

"Infantry are the core of every army that's every existed, since the first wars were fought," Matt Horner pontificates. "They're the stable point around which the other branches of armed forces fight. It's their job to sacrifice themselves ingloriously for their brothers and country and it's the infantry who does the hardest job."

"Enough yapping, pretty boy," mocks Sam, who leans on Matt with a minigun over his shoulder, "Your so called infantry is a bunch of backwards hicks whose parents met at a family reunion."

"We be good ol' boys in powa' armor with thousand round a minute rail guns," Tychus warns Sam; rapidly losing patience with the first person shooter hero. He holds up his rifle proudly, "This here is the C-14, a marine's best friend. She's got a thousand round magazine an' fires nine hun'dred rounds a minute."

He takes a step, towering over Serious Sam, "This armor of mine gives me the strength a' twenty men and mah stim packs make me fast as lightnin'."

"You ever watch the show _Rawhide?_" Serious Sam asks Tychus.

"It's mah favorite show. Why?"

"Because you just gotta keep them doggies rolling," and with that, Sam pokes Tychus in the eyes. Tychus howls in pain but before he can do anything else Sam donkey punches him across the jaw and knocks him out.

Announcer: _After some scuffling, Tychus is ready to roll_

Zooming in, the camera gives us a close-up of Tychus through his helmet; and the nasty bruise that Sam gave him. "This here baby ah call _Susan_. _Susan_ fires eight millimetre spikes at thirty rounds per second. Watch her purr,"

Geoff gives the signal, "in 3 . . . 2. . . 1 . . . REALSE THE TARGETS!"

Tychus flips off the safety of his rifle and kneels down behind a concrete barrier. Instantly, there's a flash of light as five headless men teleport in front of him. The beheaded soldiers of Mental give a growl

A burst of fire from the C-14 mows down the five beheaded soldiers like they're nothing. Wearing no amour, the techno zombies are more resistant to damage than a human but the ordnance of the gauss rifle is death to them.

As soon as the beheaded soldiers fall, there's another flash of light and five more enemies teleport. These enemies are strange alien animals with squat, gorilla like bodies and a large eye and mouth set in their chest.

The gnaar roar and charge at Tychus, their chipped yellow fangs gnash.

Announcer: _Omnivorous mammals from the planet Sirius, gnaar are trained war animals in Mental's army; where the green female is larger than the purple male. There have also been reports of limbless, flying gnaar and invisible ones as well. _

Using bursts of semi-automatic fire, Tychus guns down the smaller males. The beasts fall with a howl; like putting down a dog. The females last marginally longer but their unarmoured bodies are shredded by Tychus's gun.

Up in the air, a flying gnaar gnashes and growls at Tychus. Though it has no limbs or any other visible means of propulsion, it flies much faster than the others can run. S

Still, to Tychus it's like playing Duck Hunt; with a really fucking ugly duck. A spray of machinegun fire reduces the flying gnaar to meat.

Tychus laughs, but he doesn't see the invisible gnaar coming at him.

The big man in his power armor is chuckling when suddenly a blow to the midsection causes him to drop.

Tychus grunts, swears and is knocked to the ground as the gnaar goes wild on him like an angry gorilla.

"D'oh! Ah! GET OFF ME, YA FUCKER!" Tychus cries out, but the gnaar is only as intelligent as a stupid German shepherd so it doesn't halt its attack. Then before anyone can go in and help him, Tychus Rips out the gnaar's single eye, causing it to flail around blindly before dropping dead.

Tychus gets up and lights a cigar. Exhaling the smoke, he says, "Score." Gnarr: 0 Tychus: 1

The camera shifts to show Matt. "As you can see, the power armor is formidable. In the old days, it took almost twenty minutes for a marine to get his armor on. Now with modern advances and heavy drilling, Raynor's men can get power armor in in two minutes."

Zim however starts laughing at Matt. "Foolish dirt-baby! In two minutes ZIM could kill a HUNDRED space marines!"

"Why are you yelling?" Matt asks.

"ZIM does not KNOW!"

"It could be the sign of a brain tumor."

Announcer: _Jim answer to the dreaded Ghost, the Specter is a spec ops unit that can turn invisible and unleash psychic devastation on the enemy! _

The camera shows a large black Jamaican man with voodoo trinkets on him in a skin tight suit that totally rides up his ass. "I be Gabriel Tosh, mon; an' I be the leader of the spectres."

The dark man with frightening grey eyes explains further, "Spectres be da' future of spec ops and psychic warfare."

Armand approaches Tosh, "Well I'm familiar with the brainwave form patterns and other characteristics that make up ghosts; but how do you differ from ghosts?"

Tosh is offended by the comparison to ghosts, "The ghosts be going the way of the da' dodo, mon. We stronger in hand to hand; our reflexes are faster and our speed is greater."

Tosh turns around and holds his hand at a parked car and without any warning the car explodes.

"My fucking car!" Serious Sam screams. "You motherfucker, that was a classic hot-rod."

The black Haitian spectre ignores Sam, "Spectres can disable electronics and one of my calibre can blow stuff up."

Tosh spins around and then delivers a powerful martial arts kick to Zim. The green alien screams as he's thrown past the horizon by Tosh's mighty kick. "We use our psionic powers to boost our speed and battle prowess. We can cloak indefinitely and nobody can read our minds."

The grim looking spectre taps his temple, "Even the little girl Nova can't get into this melon, mon."

Announcer: _now Mental's horde strikes back at the marines with one of the most common and deadly of Mental's forces; the Kleer!_

Inside a large metal cage is an undead creature; a bone free skeleton that looks like part horse, part demon. It wears large metal pauldrons where its shoulders were when it was alive and its front limbs terminate in large bone scythes.

With every move it makes, its back hooves make a klip-klop noise. The beast makes no noise but rattles the cage in its attempts to break out.

Serious Sam is not at all worried about the beast; he walks up and kicks the cage where it's at. It lashes out at him with its claws but he jumps back nimbly. "This is a kleer," he tells to the camera, "They were a peaceful race living on their home world, Kleer; until Mental decided to dump ten billion gallons of napalm on their planet, burning everything to a cinder."

He chuckles darkly, "Yeah, Mental is a dick that way. Anyway, long story short these fuckers are fast, deadly but not too high on health. They either slash at you with their claws or they throw double balls and chains at you that can't be shot out of the air by any weapon."

Matt Horner seems horrified, Mental truly sounds like a villain who's earned his name.

"That's a lotta napalm," Tychus wryly remarks.

Announcer: _While everyone else hides in the safety of the concrete bunker, Invader Zim will attempt to corral the kleer and get it to attack a series of designated targets. _

Wearing a funky pair of goggles, Zim holds up a remote control. Grinning and laughing like a mad scientist, Zim presses a button on the remote control; causing a pink wave to hit the Kleer. In turn the beast's empty eye sockets turn from glowing red to glowing pink.

Another press of the button opens the cage, and when it does not attack Zim, the bombastic Irken shouts, "ATTACK, my minion!"

The kleer doesn't make a sound; instead it starts to run forward like a demonic horse skeleton. It hooves clop on the ground and it throws from out of nowhere a pair of chains with two heavy metal balls on either end.

The ball and chains sail through the air head over head and smash into the empty power armor of a marine. The helmet is instantly smashes in and the gel replica head inside is caved in. The balls also hit the armor but aside from denting it do no serous damage.

Undaunted, the kleer charges at the power armor, leaping the last distance with insane agility and tearing through the armor like a tin can. The marine's power armor only provide limited protection against the Kleer's scythe claws before it's torn open.

Zim then steers the kleer towards an empty set of medic's armor. The medic's armor lasts even less long than the marine, and though the claws can't scratch that large heavy shield; any medic inside that armor would have been fast disembowelled.

The Kleer runs at the armor of a firebat, but the heavy armor of the flamethrower wielding warrior is much more resistant than the marine or the medic. An automated blast of fire shoots out the nozzles but the skeletal kleer can't be harmed by heat or smoke inhalation.

"Useless beast! You betray Zim!" the Irken shouts, before making the Kleer turn on an empty SCV. The SCV has an even poorer chance than the medic. Kleer will obviously be useful to mental for early skirmishing.

Suddenly, the sound of a chainsaw fills the air and the kleer is cut in half by a chainsaw; the magic holding its bones together fails and it clatters to the ground in a hundred parts that can be easily be rebuilt by Mental's necromancers.

The camera is suddenly filled with a hideous monstrosity that looks like a lumberjack in overalls with a pumpkin for a head.

Up in the safety bunker, Tychus's eyes widen. "Grandpappy?" he's bewildered. Why does his grandfather have a pumpkin for a head?

Announcer: _That's a Cururbito, Tychus; a creature genetically engineered from a lumberjack, a smashing pumpkins album and a copy of the movie Deliverance_.

"what?" Tychus is confused.

"Deliverance!" shouts Sam, "I know it."

Back down in the rocky field, the Cucurbito lunges with its chainsaw at a set of reaper's armor, before he can cleave it in twain, the Reaper blasts off with his jetpack. "_Fear the reaper_," comes the chilling voice from inside the armor and then we realize it's not just an empty suit.

The Cucurbito gives chase but lacking any melee weapons it can do nothing against the Reaper. Firing his gauss pistols, the Reaper rips into the flesh of his enemy below and it doesn't take more than three or four shots to down the evil enemy, but just to make sure, the Reaper shoots Cucurbito in its pumpkin head.

When all of the sudden another Kleer jumps up and lunges at the Reaper. The jetpack wearing infantry soldier guns his pack and dodges by millimetres. Soon he and the Kleer are doing a deadly ballet; the undead skeleton can match the reaper's speed and can climb up cliffs cut cannot match his manoeuverability. And while the Kleer has much killing power, it has few hit points and soon the Reaper blasts the kleer to bones.

Zim then cries out! "Filthy Kleer! Why do you fail ZIM! FAIL!"

Announcer: _While the data was conclusive, we've yet to test Mental's most common minions, the cloned soldiers and the headless soldiers. _

Geoff stretches out, "Well that was bracing, let's break for coffee."

"I'm for that, after seeing all those mutants and freaks," Matt Horner concurs.

"It was like poetry in motion," Tychus muses. The big marine then turns to look at Serious Sam, who's drinking a bottle of Mr. Atriedes Spice beer. His whole body is suddenly filled with fury, "You be drinkin' my beer, boi?"

Sam is totally nonchalant, "Yup, I stole your beer; pussy."

Before a fight can break out, there's a chainsaw noise and like a nightmare out of hell, a rogue Cururbito kicks down the door of the protective bunker and attacks. Max screams like a little girl while Armand throws himself back as far as he can.

The pumpkin headed monster goes for Tychus first, but the Power armored marine is strong and he wrestles with the creature of the chainsaw. While everyone else exits the bunker, Tychus fights for his life against a chainsaw wielding maniac.

As they grapple, Tychus's face is basked in the eerie yellow glow coming from the jack-o-lantern atop Curubitio's head. The creature leans forward and says in Spanish, "_Tue s un hombre muerto, amigo." _

Tychus growls defiantly at the genetically engineered vegetable bastard on top of him. "Ain't no way I'm bein' taken out by a beaner!" And punches the monstrosity.

Cururbito is about to rise again when a multitude of bullets hits it in the heart and head, killing it. Matt stands behind Tychus with a smoking pistol and for once, Tychus is grateful that he was there. "Thanks, parnah." He says before looking around. "Where was Sam at?"

On cue, Sam pops his head from behind the busted door of the bunker, "I was hoping that it'd kill you, plus that beer I stole was tasty."

The camera changes to the laboratory of the amazing David Baker, Deadliest Warrior's own weapons master. Standing next to him are a series of decapitated bodies; the bodies are standing upright

"These here are Mental's headless rocketeers," David explains, "Each one of these is a beheaded Sirian soldier which was then fitted with a life control unit." He points to each one of the soldiers, indicated the flat metal device on the neck stump with a red eye camera.

He then points to the gun carried by each soldier, "This is their rocket gun, which fires slow moving low damage rockets. The advantage that they have is that each gun has a techno-magic ammo replenisher that allows each soldier to have infinite ammo; greatly reducing Mental's logistic difficulties."

Bake then turns around and fires a rocket gun at a plate of marine armor, the rockets explode against it but do little damage. "From the front, the rockets won't do much damage, but if they hit the rear of a marine's armor or the helmet that's another story."

With the same rocket gun, he shoots at a marine's armored faceplate and the rear of a marine's armor. The first shot cracks spiderwebs along the faceplate; a second blast destroys it and kills whoever would have worn that armor.

A shot to the back of the armor first does nothing, but a second and third shot mess with the exhaust vents in the back as well as other less durable equipment. The engines whine in the back plate and then go into standby mode.

"Now, while the headless Rocketeer is weak compared to the marine in all ways; they cost only a small amount of vespene gas for Mental to teleport them around the battlefield. So there's going to be a chance of a rear attack for these marines at any given time."

David then strolls over to a headless soldier that's holding a small chainsaw and more alarmingly a severed head. "This is the headless firecracker; used for crowd control and fighting against multiple enemies."

He knocks against the chainsaw, "This is a P-Lah chainsaw; powered by a fusion cell guaranteed to last a thousand years." He taps on the severed head the soldier holds. "This soldier uses his own head as a weapon, from the mouth if fires a spread of magic missiles that follow the ground until they hit something."

He then grabs a remote control of his work bench, "Each soldier has a life control unit; a device that replaces all the function of the head. The LCU is easy to reprogram and follows a basic programming for all headless units, ordering them to guard a location for up to weeks at a time or blindly attack. Headless soldiers, whether the rocketeer, the firecracker or the kamikaze. Also with some time and effort the headless soldiers can perform some very complex tasks."

He then points to a beheaded soldier who has his hands surgically replaced with bombs. "This here is the most famous of Serious Sam's enemies, the Beheaded Kamikaze. With two basic but powerful fragmentation bombs for hands, this enemy is easily able to kill a marine."

With a flick of the remote the headless soldiers come to life in a row; a firecracker, a rocketeer, a kamikaze and another rocketeer. Suddenly, the _Carameldansen_ starts to blast over the speakers and the four headless soldiers suddenly start dancing to it.

While the music plays, David Baker walks over to a pair of soldiers with red goggles and hideously damaged and burnt skin. "The cloned shotgunner and riflemen are similar in a lot of ways to the headless soldiers."

"Suffering from acid burns and heat damage, the clone is none the less a cheap an accurate soldier. The red goggles implanted in their heads allow them to see in dark and fog, as well as act as detector units that can see cloaked units but not burrowed ones."

David then points to the gun that the Cloned Rifleman carries and the shotgun that the cloned shotgunner carries. "These two soldiers are armed with a twelve gauge shotgun and an M29 Infantry Assault rifle. Now these soldiers can't do much against a marine, who's protected from small arms fire; but these guns can easily kill a medic or an SCV. So they're good early skirmishers and later game detectors."

This concludes David's lesson, and on cue, a headless kamikaze runs at him and blows up, taking out the camera.

Now Armand, Geoff and Max are ready to discuss who has more powerful infantry. "So what we've got here is rough and tough enemies of medium power versus suicide bombers and mindless freaks."

"Sounds like the zerg, but worse," Max concludes.

"Indeed, Raynor's units are stronger overall; especially with the marine but Mental's troops have a number of advantages." Armand says.

"That's right. With the ability to teleport, they can keep on whittling away at Raynor's numbers faster than he can train them in the barracks and the kleer provide fast and deadly units with great numbers."

"Pus, those Cucurbitos are a lot like protoss zealots, but scarier" Geoff points out, "It's close but Mental's greater variety of units allows him the flexibility to counter Raynor's ground units. For that, I'd give the edge to mental."

The camera quickly flashes to a cut of a giant fat monster with three faces that has rocket launchers for arms. The lumbering beast growls incoherently before firing its rockets at a suit of marauder armor half a mile away, blowing it to bits.

Serious Sam and Zim appear before the camera, "And you've just seen the scrapjack blow the shit out of that shitty marauder."

"A HIDEOUS, disgusting beast made from KIA units in Mental's army!" Zim shouts, "The beast's head is made from three other heads; allowing it from three different attacks—blind berserk rage to bland defense. This fat, disgusting Mental-beast has superior range and power to the Marauder." The Irken alien then laughs mightily, "RAHAHAHA! Inferior human soldier."

Zim's evil glee is short lived as a large monkey wrench flies through the air and hits him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

A distance away, Tychus smokes a cigar and looks at Sam with cold eyes. Sam promptly gives Tychus the finger.

Edge: Mental's Horde.

Announcer: _And now the battle takes to the skies as the two very different air forces collide!_

Serious Sam appears inside the Fight Club, painting a plastic model of the Enterprise D. "You know, I never really fought a lot of air units with mental. His was mostly a ground army. Plus I was a ground pounder, not a fly boy."

Announcer: _With ground forces out of the way,_

Shows footage of a terran firebat using its dual flamethrowers to burn a whole field of gelatin dummies.

_It's time to open up with a flying machine that's literally sixty-five million years old. _

In a jungle like environment, the crew stands ready. Behind them stand Matt, Tychus, Sam and Zim. Sam laughs from behind his sunglasses, "Yeah, she's a beaut, isn't she?'

Matt just shakes his head, "You can't be serious about this."

"I wonder what it tastes like?" Tychus wonders, visions of grills and marinara sauce dancing in his head.

"The beast STINKS!" Zim shouts.

Standing about thirty feet off in a cage is a cyborg quetzalcoatlus. The large Cretaceous era flying reptile is placid due to a cybernetic control mask around its face.

Announcer: _to explain the power of these majestic flying beast, we've brought Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin back from the dead. _

On cue, a zombie Steve Irwin appears with rotting flesh and immaculate kaki pants and shirt. "Hello boys and girls, Steve Irwin here." The friendly zombie turns around and points to the cybernetic pterosaur, "Now what we've got there is a quetzalcoatlus; largest of the flying dinosaurs, outfitted by Mental with cybernetic equipment to turn it into a long range bomber."

He runs up to the large creature, which is as tall as a giraffe and starts poking its feathery body with a stick. "Now this beast is a good five hundred pounds and Mental's augmented it with cybernetics to make it fly longer and faster. Just under the belly here is a bomb dispenser powered by a techno-magic ammo replenisher."

Steve then opens up the cage and climbs onto the quetzalcoatlus's back. "And because I never do things easy, I'm gonna take his mask off as I ride him!"

With a yank, Steven takes off the pterosaur's mask. Instantly, the large beast squawks and limbers out of its cage with surprising agility. It shakes its back and attempts to buck Steve off; only for the zombie Crocodile hunter to stay on.

The large, lumbering flying reptile starts to hobble forward on all fours before launching itself into the air with a powerful leap and flying.

Rapidly the enhanced pterosaur launches itself to three hundred miles per hour, but the zombie crocodile hunter hangs on.

With no small amount of resistance from the beast, Steven steers it towards a large field filled with terran equipment.

Grabbing a latch from the side of the monster, Steve pulls and immediately a load of black, circular bombs fall out from underneath the compartment strapped underneath it.

Empty suits of marine armor are blown to bits. A deactivated goliath is blasted asunder; the anti-aircraft mecha doesn't stand a chance. Lightly armored hellions burn like rice paper.

Heavily armored siege tanks don't fare much better; their thick armor only takes a few hits from the techno-magic bombs to be opened up like a tin can.

Only the mighty Thor fighting machine seems to stand a chance, though its heavy battleship grade plating is heavily battered. It alone survives the barrage bombardment of the quetzalcoatlus.

Laughing with glee, Steve Irwin throws himself off the back of the pterosaur and lands on the ground with a splat.

Everyone crowds around a zombie Steve Irwin, who now has no limbs and half his face is missing. "Crikey! Was that ever fun! I'm glad you blokes brought me back from the dead."

Geoff nods a little weirded out. "Sure, we'll have Tosh put you together."

Tosh nods as he decloaks, "I be your biggest fan, crocodile hunter."

Steve then waves a bloody stump. "Crickey, good on you. As soon as I get my arms I'll autograph your butterfly knife."

Tychus turns to the camera and laughs a bit. "Well, a flyin' lizard is sure pretty but we got something betta."

The space mercenary points up at the sky, "Right there."

"There's nothing there," says Max.

Tychus smiles and nods, "Of course, _now;_ but watch." He claps his hands . . . and nothing happens.

"You know, abuse of stimpacks is known to cause blindness or hallucinations," Armand suggests.

"No! It's there!" Tychus shouts. Everyone just stares at him with amusement or worry for his mental health. "There! Up there!"

At this, Matt groans and speaks into a communicator. "Quit screwing around and decloak."

Suddenly, a large aircraft powered by two large turbo fans on the side of it. Inside the cockpit, a female pilot with a large rack gazes at the camera. "This beauty here is the Banshee, otherwise known as the give-em-hell-ocopter."

On the ground Matt goes into some detail about the banshee. "Flying on low powered but inexpensive fans, the banshee is a craft designed exclusively for air to ground engagement using its barrages of Backlash air to ground missiles."

We get a pov from inside the cockpit of the banshee, the pilot rotates her craft and starts to pick a target.

Down below, Matt continues, "While it can't break orbit, it can be dropped from orbit and its cloaking function comes in handy.

In the cockpit, the banshee pilot grins, "Gotcha!"

A barrage of deadly missiles fly through the air and blow up a lone cabbage cart.

"No!" screams a lone cabbage merchant, "My cabbages!"

Announcer: _now rolling onto the really big guns_

From out of the sky comes a massive spaceship of Terran design.

_The Battle cruiser, the hardest hitting, biggest spaceship in the terran arsenal. _

The huge ship flies overhead, appearing over a massive section of the Sahara desert. Down below in the desert there are a collection of headless soldiers and kleer skeletons, just sitting idly by.

Without warning, the battleruiser opens fire with anti-infantry projectiles. The forces of mental down below have no chance. The weak headless soldiers and kleer are torn apart. Up in the sky, the flying gnaar attack; but they do little more than leave slobber on the armor of the battleship; they are easily picked off by anti-air defenses.

From out of the sky, a bunch of women with wings teleport; they are mostly nude and wearing weird looking helmets on their heads. The Scythian witch harpies fire energy balls at the battlecruiser, but only manage to do minimal damage.

Some of them do greater damage when they actually land on top of the battle cruiser and start beating up the anti-air defenses with their bare hands.

Down on the ground, Tychus whistles at the bird women. "Damn, them bird gals have some fine titties."

Matt doesn't take notice of his partner's loutish nature. "It's fascinating, they seem to be heavily trained in martial arts.

"Yup," Sam responds, "Scythian Witch Harpies; Mental cloned 'em from an extinct race of bird women. When they get injured enough they get on the ground and beat my ass. It's lucky I wear a cup to protect the family jewels."

However for all their blind ferocity the cloned harpies are torn apart by the anti-air defenses of the battlecruiser.

Onboard the ship, the drunken Russian captain laughs. "haha! This vodka must be getting to me because I'm seeing topless bird women." The captain laughs and blinks his cybernetic eye, "Hey, where is everybody?" He seems to be totally and utterly alone on the bridge.

A screen opens up on the panel before the Captain, revealing the face of Invader Zim.

"Ah!" the Captain screams, "A space demon! Someone get my gun!"

Zim however doesn't seem distressed by the Captain's panick. "Greetings, drunken earth slime. As part of this pathetic show's testing, your battleship will be shot down . . . WITH YOU IN IT!"

The captain gawks at Zim's announcement, "What? They didn't tell me that!"

Zim cackles, "Well, an earth captain does go down with their ship. RA-HAHAHAHAH!" The screen goes black.

Up in the sky, there's a flash of light as another battleship of alien design teleports in with its FTL system. A purple cobra like ship powers up its weapons to attack the Battlecruiser; which if it blows up will only kill the Captain.

A voiceover of Zim explains the craft's virtue: _The Alcor class battleship is the workhorse of Mental's fleet, acting both as a ground scorcher and a troop carrier. _

With that, the Alcor fires a beam of pure energy at the battlecruiser, which burns a deep glowing scar into the Terran gunmetal.

Zim voiceover: _The Alcor's energy weapon is capable of burning through solid steel at a rate of one foot per second and can split into three separate beams_.

Onboard the battlecruiser, the captain is cursing. "Shit-shit-shit!" before he finally grabs the manual controls and brings the full wrath of the battlecruiser on the alien warship.

Laser batteries seem to do little to the shields of the Alcor war vessel and the missile pods fire but do minimal damage to the Alcor, which despite being much smaller than the battlecruiser seems to be nearly as tough.

Onboard the captain is panicking until he remembers the Yamato cannon. Over the loudspeakers, the main computer speaks. "_Warning: Behemoth reactor in the red. Reactor failure in forty seconds." _

"Shut up, whore," he shouts at the computer as the Yamato cannon begins to charge.

It seems that the Alcor is winning when a giant blast from the Yamato turns the tables. The giant focused nuclear blast strikes the Alcor and rips through its energy shields and armor like they're not there. A whole section of the ship's been torn away, like a classroom dissection.

On the battlecruiser the captain laughs, "Ha-ah! Take that¸ _pustee_!" he swears in Russian.

Zim voiceover: _When the ship has taken enough damage, the controlling AI aboard the ship will use the FTL system to take it to safety_

And like that, the crippled Alcor class warship disappears in a flash of white light.

On the ground, Zim turns around and faces Matt, Tychus and the three hosts. "In conclusion: THE EARTHLINGS ARE DOOMED! MUAAHAHAHA!"

Just then, Tychus dumps a pitcher of beer on Zim's head, which caused his alien anatomy to burst into flames. Immediately, Zim starts to run around screaming while he's on fire. Nobody bothers to help him.

"Ya know," Tychus muses, "It's a waste of good beer but it was so worth it."

Announcer: _coming up, Mental's fields an air unit with powerful psionic abilities. _

The Deadliest Warrior team is now positioned in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere. Floating in the air and steadily chanting arcane spells of power is some kind of sexy alien woman with purple skin and six tentacles coming of her back. She's levitating about twenty feet off the ground and the air around her is slightly blury.

Standing in front of the corn, Sam explains, "This is the Witchbride of Achriman. She was originally a sorceress on the grand council but she was scammed by Mental's goon, Achriman; lord of darkness. By the time she realized that Mental was an enormous a-hole it was too late."

Tychus whistles, "I like a powerful woman."

Sam laughs, "Not this powerful; besides, that'd be cheating on your sister."

"Are you getting tired of these redneck jokes?" Matt asks Sam.

"Nope."

To demonstrate her power, the Witchbride teleports into another part of the cornfield where a terran Viking is standing on ground mode.

With the witch in sight, the automated systems kick in. The Viking goes from a ground walking machine to a flyer.

Immediately, the massive Gatling guns on the underside of the craft's wings fire one hundred calibre armor piercing explosive rounds at the Witchbride. However the bullets harmlessly bounce off the haze that's surrounding her.

The automated systems of the Viking then fire a burst of anti-air missiles at the witch but these two explode harmlessly in front of her.

Then, with a clench of her hands, the Viking implodes.

On the ground, Serious Sam explains, "This bitch is tough. She has an implode attack that does moderate damage to small units like yours truly; but on bigger and bigger units its more effective. She's got two weaknesses, she can only attack one target at a time and she needs line of sight to do it."

Zim then steps in. "The hideous Witchbride is able to teleport instantly anywhere across the battlefield and she is only vulnerable for a few seconds when she is casting her attack spells. Therefore, such a hideous creature would be useful against battlecruisers, Vikings or siege tanks and Thors but useless against marines or-

Suddenly, Zim is lifted in the air and a haze surrounds him. Zim begins to scream as the haze around him starts to crush him like a boa constrictor.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Sam hollers and runs towards the witch. "He didn't mean it when he called you hideous!" That however angers the Witchbride further and she drops Zim and starts to crush Sam. "Ah—fuck!" the man grits in pain as he tries to go for his gun but his reflexes are like he's caught in a tar pit.

"Hold on a minute," comes a familiar Caribbean accent. From out of nowhere, Gabriel tosh, Spectre extraordinaire, decloaks. "It's time to see if this witch can stand up to my little tricks."

The Witchbride starts chanting and begins to use its spell on Tosh, but the spectre activates his psionic shield. The powerful spell of the witch wears at the shield but Tosh has many tricks up his sleeve.

He unleashes his brain burst on the witch. A psionic attack strikes the witch, and her spell which totally overrode all physical attacks is useless. The witch shrieks in agony and her shield goes down.

Tosh then makes the kill with his massive Balisong rifle and blows the witch's head off. Her bloody corpse falls to the ground . . . and Tosh vanishes like a mist in the morning; cloaked again.

Announcer: _The Battlecruiser took a trouncing when it came to the deadly cutting beam of the Alcor Warship but the Terrans have a reply to that. . . the science vessel!_

From out of space, flies a large dome shaped spacecraft with a rotating transmitter dish on top of it.

A little window opens up on the corner of the screen and a scientist who looks like Mr. Burns from _The Simpsons_ appears. "Explorer reporting," he says in that Harry Shearer voice.

Matt Horner explains the craft, while a battered and damaged medevac ship pulls in, leaking fuel and smoking. "The science vessel has few direct methods of attack. It can irradiate targets but its primary function is to repair our mechanical units with its nano beam."

Matt speaks into the communicator, "Major, show them what you can do."

"Most definitely," replies the scientist in the affirmative. From out of the science vessel, a green beam shoots out; but rather than damaging the wounded medevac, it repairs it and in no time it's good as new.

The Major of the science vessel then turns to the control panel and presses a few buttons. "E equals mc . . . d'oh, let me get my notepad."

On the ground, teleport a number of headless soldiers. Suddenly, a blast of radiation comes from the science vessel and the headless soldiers all drop in unison as their nervous systems are overloaded.

Pressing a few more buttons, a green beam shoots out of the science vessel and projects a force field around the battlecruiser. Onboard the larger warship, the Russian captain hoots with glee. "Oh yeah!"

And just in time, the Alcor class warship appears again; but this time with the energy matrix in place the powerful energy beam hardly does any damage at all. And with a single Yamato blast, the Alcor is shot down for good.

On the ground Armand is feeling down, "I feel so useless today. We've been rushing through so much testing that I haven't had a chance to see any bodies. I never thought I'd say this but I miss examining chopped up pig carcasses."

Geoff gives his buddy a pat on the back, "It's okay pal; we'll get you something to do soon."

Zim just laughs, "Feeble earth-worms, your pathetic technology is nothing to ZIM!"

"Why do you keep yelling?" Matt asks the small green alien.

"Because ZIM is mighty; and ZIM has low level Tourette's syndrome."

"But you said earlier you didn't have Tourette's?" Matt's confused.

"FOOL! Zim is always confusing!"

Matt shakes his head. "You're not making any sense.

Suddenly a helicopter zooms in. It's a familiar Apache helicopter; the only difference from normal flying vehicles is that it's got several slimy tentacles sticking out of the cockpit instead of a pilot.

"The technopolip is a polyzoic entity cyber engineered by mental to take over fallen enemy units; especially useful when his army began to take heavy casualties."

Demonstrating its abilities, the technopolip opens fire with its machinegun on the newly repaired medevac ship and shoots it down with relative ease.

"A technopolip can repair the vehicle it's commandeered, so small arms fire is largely useless." Zim stops and screams, "THE HUMANS ARE DOOMED!"

To illustrate the point, Zim gestures to Sam, who then lights a cannon.

_BOOM!_

From out of the cannon fires a fleshy, multi-eyed technopolip like a cyber-lovecraftean nightmare. The beast flies through the air like a shell and then hits the downed Viking from earlier.

The Viking then turns around and fires on a terran wraith. The stealth craft stands no chance without its cloak up and is blown to smithereens, where it's burnt shell is then taken over by a second technopolip

There's a screech of metal and some tortured sounds but in thirty seconds (count them, it's exact) the Viking is rising now with multiple tentacles sticking out of it; ready for battle and ready to fire.

Announcer: _Mental has a powerful if eclectic air force, but the Terran's aren't beat yet. Jim Raynor has one last card to play in the battle for the skies. _

"The Raven!" Matt shouts, as a robotic winged aircraft looms overhead. "An AI controlled craft that combines the best aspects of surveillance drone and combat engineer. It's the primary support unit for Raynor's raiders and it can be found just about anywhere in the Kuprulu sector."

Tychus throws his support behind the robotic scout. "Yup, this bastard's brought us outta plenty ah' tight spots befo'."

Announcer: _To test the effectiveness of the Raven, we'll pit it against the technopolips as well as a few other units in Mental's army. _

Matt stands at a PC console, with the hot keys ready to control the Raven.

Geoff gives the countdown, "Matt, you go in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . FOR THE SWARM!"

The Raven takes off and the battle begins. Down on the ground, a small army of headless soldiers marches, firing their slow rocket projectiles as they do. Joining the headless troops are hatchling arachnoids; young versions of the famous scorpion like foes of serious Sam.

The arachnoids are as tall as a man and with a humanoid torso and head on a scorpion like body and with one claw surgically removed and replaced with a minigun with infinite ammo. The juvenile arachnoid screeches and starts to fire at the raven.

While the rockets of the headless rocketeers miss the Raven, the minigun on the three appearing hatchling arachnoids strikes their mark and does damage. Matt however is on the game. With a click of his mouse, the raven deploys an auto turret.

The robotic controlled machinegun turret opens fire as soon as it hits the ground. The headless troops fall easily. The young arachnoids are more resilient but they also don't last very long before they're taken out.

Three technopolips attack the raven next; these strange cybernetic monsters have coopted two apache helicopters (their default form) and a terran Viking.

The two helicopters start to fire missiles at the raven. On the ground, things are terse and Tychus clearly has a lot invested in this match emotionally. "Quick, hot key it! Hot key it! Dammit, it's the R key!'

"I know!" shouts Matt, losing his cool. "I play against the Koreans all the time."

From out of the raven's hold, three spherical objects pop out; these are the hunter seeker missiles. Seconds after that, Matt unleashes the point defense drone; which fires flak that destroys the incoming missiles. However that flak won't protect against bullets; which is where the homing missiles come in.

While taking a few seconds to launch, the objects that look like floating sea mines zip towards the three air units of Mental.

True to the design of this fine Terran machine, the three evil flyers are destroyed; but the battle is not over.

From over the horizon come an army of witch harpies. Half of them fall back and fire their magic projectiles at the ground turret and at the two more hunter seekers that the raven launches. The agile witches easily dodge the missile while their sisters shoot it down. Also the ground based automatic turret can't touch them.

Soon, the witch harpies are pummeling the raven and in under a minute the cloned alien women smash it into a burning pile of scrap metal.

Suddenly, a laser blast vaporizes one of the witch harpies. The bird women spin in a defensive pattern; much like a flock of birds as they're fired upon. They all scatter when a pod of missiles come their way. Many as killed but like nearly all of Mental's soldiers, the witch harpies have virtually no sense of self preservation.

They swarm around until the Wraith attack vessel is forced to decloak due to lack of energy. Once it does, it too is swarmed by the numerous bird like aliens.

Tychus and Matt watch with disappointment as the robotically controlled wraith is shot down. While good against large units, the agile Terran stealth fighter is much weaker against smaller enemies like the harpies.

Back at the fight club, the three hosts talk.

"I like the witch bride," says Max, "She's going to be deadly against the larger and heavier units that Raynor has; and with the backup of the harpies and ground units she'll be lethal."

"That's true," says Armand, "But I'm leaning for Raynor on this one. Mental's air force is lacking. It might have been good enough to destroy the earth in the time of Serious Sam but for the age of StarCraft it's sorely lacking. Not to mention that Jim Raynor's units are more durable and usually more intelligent."

"Yeah, I agree," Geoff iterates, "Jim Raynor's used to giant mobs of swarming enemies. He's even been outnumbered by the Protoss. He's going to feel right at home when Mental attacks."

Edge: Raynor's Raiders

Announcer: _That's all for part one, tune in next week as the ragtag forces of Jim Raynor take the pitiless screaming hordes of galactic Lord Mental head on. _

_And for now here's a message from out sponsors. _

The screen shows the _Spike TV _logo.

Captions: _from the studio that brought you Deadliest Warrior . . . _

The Spike logo fades away to reveal the _Nickelodeon _logo and a picture of Sweden's Charles XII.

_And the makers of Avatar: the Last Airbender and sponsored by the most badass monarch in European history; comes an episode of the award winning series, the Legend of Korra unlike anything seen before. _

The scene cuts to a still shot of the statue of Avatar Aang in in middle of the night. All is peaceful, all in calm in Republic city until—

A lonely figure walks down the gothic streets of Republic city. Viewers of the legend of Korra will recognize this as the bender hating madman, Amon.

The masked lunatic reaches into his coat and pulls out a remote control. In his smooth, snake like voice he hisses, "And here we go." He presses the button . . .

_BOOOM!_

The statue of Aang blows up and sadistic laugher rings out as it crumbles.

Fast paced music starts to play as Korra charges down a street riding her polar bear dog, naga; who has two miniguns strapped to her side that are firing full blast.

_Republic City is at war and even that Avatar can't stop the madness. _

Amon's equalist soldiers run through the rubble of destroyed city hall, firing their tommy guns at the metal bending policeforce.

_It's a tale of sex—_

Bolin and Mako are at a strip club, with two hot twin stripers making out. Mako looks uncomfortable but Bolin embraces his brother and shouts, "Yeah! TONIGHT!" All nipples are censored unfortunately

_Violence—_

Korra lands in the middle of a group of equalists and starts to throw moves that would make Jet Li Envious. The sexy Asami runs over Amon's lieutenant and backs him over in her satomobile before pulling out a revolver and shooting him in the head.

The normally placid Tenzin freaks out on an unseen person. "You wanna get nuts?" he screams before grabbing a bottle and smashing it over his head. "Then let's get nuts!" And airbends a butcher knife so it spins in the air.

The music picks up and a rapid set of images are show, Amon pulling out a sawn off shotgun and firing, Korra punching through a stone wall, Mako raining down fire on a swarm of zombies—

Korra appears before Team Avatar 2.0, "I need to get into the Avatar state." On cue, Asami pops the hood of her satomobile and Korra takes off her shirt to reveal that she's not wearing a bra; giving Mako and Bolin anime nosebleeds.

"Juice me," says Korra, right before she fastens a jumper cable to her left nipple and her tongue. Asami floors it, doing a sexy hair wave as he does.

The screen turns psychedelic colors as Korra is lit up like a Christmas tree.

_And guest starring everyone's favorite Fire Lord_

A wall is torn down as Korra is held prisoner a band of equalist armed with electric gloves and machetes.

It's none other than Fire Lord Zuko! He's tall, old and pissed; like Fu Manchu's firebending cousin. "Did I catch you fuckers at a bad time?" he asks before literally unleashing an ungodly firestorm upon Korra's foes.

_See the latest and greatest Avatar as she was meant to be seen; rated M for mature-only on Spike TV!_

Korra, in glowing Avatar state turns slowly towards the camera. Then, she gives the middle finger to the camera, before screaming like a human hurricane about to destroy everything.

Lightning flashes, and for a split second, Amon's mask is illuminated.

_See you soon, for equality. _

* * *

And that's it for part one :D Goddamn, it's so much easier doing it just a give on five squad battle. But when you've got each side with more than a dozen deadly and fascinating units a five on five battle just won't cut it.

And plus, Mental's army has got some of the craziest units to ever grace a video game; you just can't cut that out.

Now, for a little audience participation. In the battle simulation I'm going to have various secrets. In the Serious Sam games there are little secrets scattered all over the place for you to find that are either practical or silly. They can be secret health, secret ammo, secret stuff that puts you in a deadly trap with enemies or even sillier; like the secret Yodeller, the Secret Santa or my personal favorite, a secret that causes certain enemies to shrink to six inches tall and still do the same amount of damage.

So in short, suggest to me secrets if you want. And I'll consider putting them in. Send me all your secrets!

I love you all; this chapter has been so much fun to write. If you have any concerns or complaints, just tell me

Ta

Master of the Boot


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